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Shy: A Memoir
It’s a shy word, a timid little word that begs to remain unnoticed. Only three letters long, and it begins with an exhortation to silence. Shhh.
There’s no authority in it, no control. It’s a blushing, hunching word; a nervous, knock-kneed, wallflower word. A word for children, not grown-ups, because surely grown-ups grow out of shyness.
Don’t they?
SIAN PRIOR has maintained a career in the public eye for more than twenty years. For far longer than that she has suffered from excruciating shyness, only partly alleviated by the security she finds with her famous partner Tom.
Eventually, after bolting from a party in a state of near-panic, she decides to learn about the science of social anxiety. But soon other questions intrude. About grief, intimacy, self-perception and fear; loss and longing and the consequences of love.
Then Tom says he is leaving.
Frank, provocative, remarkable in its clarity and beautifully written—Shy is a book you will be thinking and talking about long after you read the final page.
There’s no authority in it, no control. It’s a blushing, hunching word; a nervous, knock-kneed, wallflower word. A word for children, not grown-ups, because surely grown-ups grow out of shyness.
Don’t they?
SIAN PRIOR has maintained a career in the public eye for more than twenty years. For far longer than that she has suffered from excruciating shyness, only partly alleviated by the security she finds with her famous partner Tom.
Eventually, after bolting from a party in a state of near-panic, she decides to learn about the science of social anxiety. But soon other questions intrude. About grief, intimacy, self-perception and fear; loss and longing and the consequences of love.
Then Tom says he is leaving.
Frank, provocative, remarkable in its clarity and beautifully written—Shy is a book you will be thinking and talking about long after you read the final page.
252 pages, Paperback
First published May 28, 2014
14 people are currently reading
397 people want to read
About the author
Sian Prior
4 books5 followersSian Prior is a journalist and broadcaster specialising in the arts and popular culture, a media consultant, and a teacher at universities and writers centres. She has a second career as a musician and recording artist.
Sian lives in Melbourne. Shy: A Memoir is her first book.
Sian lives in Melbourne. Shy: A Memoir is her first book.
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June 20, 2014
This review is brought to you by Wild Colonial Girl blog
SHYNESS IS NICE: THE BEAUTY OF INARTICULATION
At the recent Sydney Writers’ Festival, David Marr did a wonderfully incisive interview with Christos Tsiolkas, author of Dead Europe, The Slap and, most recently, Barracuda. Throughout the session, in response to Marr’s questions, Tsiolkas took many minutes to speak, occasionally with his head in his hands as if trying to squeeze out the answers. The loud silence filled the room. But when he finally was able to seize the words, his ideas were rich in detail, nuanced, worth waiting for. Marr quipped that ‘he writes loudly and speaks quietly’.
As I waited patiently for Tsiolkas to frame himself, I realised how rare this was: the chance to see a writer composing, having the courage to be uncertain, to not reach for the quick answer, to feel, as Tsiolkas said, a ‘real sense of responsibility … to what language means’. While Tsiolkas initially saw his writing as an effective way to channel rage (against himself, against others), he also wanted to fight off the ‘bad habit’ of being nice. Marr responded: ‘But you are nice, aren’t you!’ Being a writer, and performing in public, is so often about trying to reconcile these contradictory forces.
In her memoir Shy, Sian Prior uses this perceived dualism as a literary device. She intertwines the thoughts of Shy Sian (the interior monologue of a woman whose hands shake at parties, who’s always on the periphery, who runs for cover when things get too rough) with Professional Sian (the radio announcer and interviewer; the teacher; the activist; confident in front of crowds). When Prior takes to the stage or the street, she’s always anxious her shy version will seep through, but Ms Professional usually comes to the rescue. The whole book is searching for what Prior is really afraid of. Rejection? Grief? Being alone? Vulnerabilty?
"If you’re feeling shy, you’re worried about something. If you’re a persistent worrier, you’re anxious. If you’re anxious, your mind enters into a pact with your body, sending it into the world with an armoury of self-protective physical responses. Danger! The adrenaline, the sweating, the rapid breathing, all preparing your body to run. Ensuring your hands will shake but your legs will move faster when you need to take off. Except that you’re never sure why you needed to take off so fast in the first place."
What Tsiolkas does, in those long moments of public hesitation, is let us in, share some hidden part of him. These days, there is much pressure on writers to be perfectionists in all aspects of their lives. Not only on the page but under the spotlight too. To have the right answers. To be funny. To give the audience what they want. To be entertaining. But vulnerability can be a powerful thing.
In Brene Brown’s very popular TED talk (over 15 million hits) on vulnerabilty, she interprets shame as the ‘fear of disconnection’. While Prior in her memoir may be keen to do all the research and categorisation (shyness vs introversion vs social anxiety), the residue of her writing, the success of her book, is when she meditates on loneliness and what it means to feel ashamed, to wear a mask in public — and how she tries, often unsuccessfully, to get beyond the ‘I’m not good enough’ to build relationships with others.
It’s something I’m all too familiar with. A year ago, my first novel was released. It’s about a 14-year-old girl caught between the private and public worlds. It’s about characters who fail to connect. But most of all, it’s about the grey area: those gaps between what the characters want to do and say, and what they actually manage. As the time came for the book to be released, there was the slow dawn of dread: that I would have to stand up in public and articulate. In the past I had quit jobs, taken to my bed, manipulated and evaded, to avoid exposing myself. I had stayed in my comfort zone. Behind words. A computer screen. Like Prior I had run from a party in my teens, a panic attack in the car, paralysed. I had called on Professional Kirsten many a time, to various degrees of success. But I had never stood up for myself.
It wasn’t looking good. The first call came out for radio interviews, appearances at bookshops, public readings. The fear in my guts started to bleed out. My brain quickly sought angles and innovative ways to say no. Like Prior, I was a master of the what ifs. But then it finally came to me. If I couldn’t stand up and talk about my own book, where could I go? I know! I could be cultivated as mysterious, hermit-like, Patrick White. Who was I kidding? A debut author can’t do that these days. Perhaps that was the problem. Like Prior, I was shy and mysterious — even to myself. I gave myself a pep talk. I had chosen this career as a writer. I had been lucky to be able to do it. The process, and the result, was a joy to me. It was something to share. And in the end it came down to six very small and extraordinarily powerful words: ‘Whatever I do is good enough.’ No what ifs. No buts. No calling in sick. Leave it at that.
Tara Moss’s memoir, The Fictional Woman, is a good companion piece to Shy, and shares some of Prior’s themes: how pain is written in and on the body; how others’ perceptions can be elevated above your own; how beauty can be worn as a shield; and how science, stats and semi-truths can be interweaved to make a compelling narrative. But in both these books, what it all comes down to is sharp writing. While Moss’s book is themed around common (mis)conceptions, Prior uses wonderful sleight-of-hand to draw me in and push me away: lists, short chapters, vivid description, strong characterisation, positing herself as the unreliable narrator, juxtaposing the two Sians in interviews, bold statements, wry humour, and the charm (and betrayal) of falling in and out of love:
"On the computer screen we could be nutty, nuanced, nonchalant. Nothing seemed to be at stake, nothing required except to entertain each other with words. We told each other stories from our past, we compared our reactions to novels we’d read, we even offered tidbits of regret about past relationships. Writing to Tom, I felt weightless. And in one of those early emails, when I confessed to being shy, he simply replied: As Morrissey says, shyness is nice. I felt like I’d been found."
A year on from releasing just_a_girl, a piece of my identity has clicked into place too. The Land of Writers is where I feel I belong. Writers are weird, shy, crazy, eloquent, bumbling, provocative, curious, fringe dwellers — and often drink too much. Just like everyone else I like, really. As I challenge myself on the festival circuit, many writers have come up to me, confessed their own fears, keen for guidance. They’re shy. They’d rather be looking on. It doesn’t come naturally to them. They want to run. I feel their pain. But I can now point to Tsiolkas and Prior and Moss. Do I think any less of them (as writers, as people?) now I see their vulnerable side? Do I judge them critically, knowing what I do? In reality, it’s exactly the opposite. What remains is enormous respect — and a desire to know more about them (as writers, as people). Just read any blog about how to cope with mental illness, how to move through grief, how to come out as an introvert (via Susan Cain), and go to the comments section. People want to see the inarticulate, the not-so-slick, the grasping for meaning; it’s what generates passion and compassion in the reader.
Sian Prior’s memoir may not be a how-to or reveal-all, but it does connect. It dares me to challenge my own perceptions, see beneath the surface, and come out the other end, shyness intact. She has a talk on shyness coming up at the Wheeler Centre tonight. I hope it’s Shy Sian rather than Professional Sian who turns up on the night.
A version of this article originally appeared at the Wheeler Centre’s daily blog.
SHYNESS IS NICE: THE BEAUTY OF INARTICULATION
At the recent Sydney Writers’ Festival, David Marr did a wonderfully incisive interview with Christos Tsiolkas, author of Dead Europe, The Slap and, most recently, Barracuda. Throughout the session, in response to Marr’s questions, Tsiolkas took many minutes to speak, occasionally with his head in his hands as if trying to squeeze out the answers. The loud silence filled the room. But when he finally was able to seize the words, his ideas were rich in detail, nuanced, worth waiting for. Marr quipped that ‘he writes loudly and speaks quietly’.
As I waited patiently for Tsiolkas to frame himself, I realised how rare this was: the chance to see a writer composing, having the courage to be uncertain, to not reach for the quick answer, to feel, as Tsiolkas said, a ‘real sense of responsibility … to what language means’. While Tsiolkas initially saw his writing as an effective way to channel rage (against himself, against others), he also wanted to fight off the ‘bad habit’ of being nice. Marr responded: ‘But you are nice, aren’t you!’ Being a writer, and performing in public, is so often about trying to reconcile these contradictory forces.
In her memoir Shy, Sian Prior uses this perceived dualism as a literary device. She intertwines the thoughts of Shy Sian (the interior monologue of a woman whose hands shake at parties, who’s always on the periphery, who runs for cover when things get too rough) with Professional Sian (the radio announcer and interviewer; the teacher; the activist; confident in front of crowds). When Prior takes to the stage or the street, she’s always anxious her shy version will seep through, but Ms Professional usually comes to the rescue. The whole book is searching for what Prior is really afraid of. Rejection? Grief? Being alone? Vulnerabilty?
"If you’re feeling shy, you’re worried about something. If you’re a persistent worrier, you’re anxious. If you’re anxious, your mind enters into a pact with your body, sending it into the world with an armoury of self-protective physical responses. Danger! The adrenaline, the sweating, the rapid breathing, all preparing your body to run. Ensuring your hands will shake but your legs will move faster when you need to take off. Except that you’re never sure why you needed to take off so fast in the first place."
What Tsiolkas does, in those long moments of public hesitation, is let us in, share some hidden part of him. These days, there is much pressure on writers to be perfectionists in all aspects of their lives. Not only on the page but under the spotlight too. To have the right answers. To be funny. To give the audience what they want. To be entertaining. But vulnerability can be a powerful thing.
In Brene Brown’s very popular TED talk (over 15 million hits) on vulnerabilty, she interprets shame as the ‘fear of disconnection’. While Prior in her memoir may be keen to do all the research and categorisation (shyness vs introversion vs social anxiety), the residue of her writing, the success of her book, is when she meditates on loneliness and what it means to feel ashamed, to wear a mask in public — and how she tries, often unsuccessfully, to get beyond the ‘I’m not good enough’ to build relationships with others.
It’s something I’m all too familiar with. A year ago, my first novel was released. It’s about a 14-year-old girl caught between the private and public worlds. It’s about characters who fail to connect. But most of all, it’s about the grey area: those gaps between what the characters want to do and say, and what they actually manage. As the time came for the book to be released, there was the slow dawn of dread: that I would have to stand up in public and articulate. In the past I had quit jobs, taken to my bed, manipulated and evaded, to avoid exposing myself. I had stayed in my comfort zone. Behind words. A computer screen. Like Prior I had run from a party in my teens, a panic attack in the car, paralysed. I had called on Professional Kirsten many a time, to various degrees of success. But I had never stood up for myself.
It wasn’t looking good. The first call came out for radio interviews, appearances at bookshops, public readings. The fear in my guts started to bleed out. My brain quickly sought angles and innovative ways to say no. Like Prior, I was a master of the what ifs. But then it finally came to me. If I couldn’t stand up and talk about my own book, where could I go? I know! I could be cultivated as mysterious, hermit-like, Patrick White. Who was I kidding? A debut author can’t do that these days. Perhaps that was the problem. Like Prior, I was shy and mysterious — even to myself. I gave myself a pep talk. I had chosen this career as a writer. I had been lucky to be able to do it. The process, and the result, was a joy to me. It was something to share. And in the end it came down to six very small and extraordinarily powerful words: ‘Whatever I do is good enough.’ No what ifs. No buts. No calling in sick. Leave it at that.
Tara Moss’s memoir, The Fictional Woman, is a good companion piece to Shy, and shares some of Prior’s themes: how pain is written in and on the body; how others’ perceptions can be elevated above your own; how beauty can be worn as a shield; and how science, stats and semi-truths can be interweaved to make a compelling narrative. But in both these books, what it all comes down to is sharp writing. While Moss’s book is themed around common (mis)conceptions, Prior uses wonderful sleight-of-hand to draw me in and push me away: lists, short chapters, vivid description, strong characterisation, positing herself as the unreliable narrator, juxtaposing the two Sians in interviews, bold statements, wry humour, and the charm (and betrayal) of falling in and out of love:
"On the computer screen we could be nutty, nuanced, nonchalant. Nothing seemed to be at stake, nothing required except to entertain each other with words. We told each other stories from our past, we compared our reactions to novels we’d read, we even offered tidbits of regret about past relationships. Writing to Tom, I felt weightless. And in one of those early emails, when I confessed to being shy, he simply replied: As Morrissey says, shyness is nice. I felt like I’d been found."
A year on from releasing just_a_girl, a piece of my identity has clicked into place too. The Land of Writers is where I feel I belong. Writers are weird, shy, crazy, eloquent, bumbling, provocative, curious, fringe dwellers — and often drink too much. Just like everyone else I like, really. As I challenge myself on the festival circuit, many writers have come up to me, confessed their own fears, keen for guidance. They’re shy. They’d rather be looking on. It doesn’t come naturally to them. They want to run. I feel their pain. But I can now point to Tsiolkas and Prior and Moss. Do I think any less of them (as writers, as people?) now I see their vulnerable side? Do I judge them critically, knowing what I do? In reality, it’s exactly the opposite. What remains is enormous respect — and a desire to know more about them (as writers, as people). Just read any blog about how to cope with mental illness, how to move through grief, how to come out as an introvert (via Susan Cain), and go to the comments section. People want to see the inarticulate, the not-so-slick, the grasping for meaning; it’s what generates passion and compassion in the reader.
Sian Prior’s memoir may not be a how-to or reveal-all, but it does connect. It dares me to challenge my own perceptions, see beneath the surface, and come out the other end, shyness intact. She has a talk on shyness coming up at the Wheeler Centre tonight. I hope it’s Shy Sian rather than Professional Sian who turns up on the night.
A version of this article originally appeared at the Wheeler Centre’s daily blog.
July 24, 2018
Sian Prior is accomplished. She’s a journalist and broadcaster, a professional media consultant, a published writer of fiction and non fiction, a host and public speaker, and a teacher at universities and writers centres. She’s also a singer, clarinettist and choral conductor.
When I heard about her book, 'Shy, A Memoir', I felt drawn to the story of someone who, despite her shyness, has spent a significant amount of her professional life in the public eye. I was also intrigued because I’m someone who feels self-conscious and tongue-tied when out socially or meeting strangers, but I can pull on my professional persona when I must.
This review has taken me a couple of weeks to write as there’s so much in this book. It’s a personal memoir on shyness, yes, but it’s also the story of a girl who never knew her father, of a young woman drawn to men who needed rescuing, and of a mature woman facing middle age without a partner. It’s even more than that—it is a well-researched essay on shyness, with quotes from experts, including her mother, psychologist Margot Prior, and others. She also provides a reading list at the end.
The book opens after the break-up of the relationship with ‘Tom’. Sian is removing the mirror from the bedroom they’d shared. I couldn’t help wondering why she’d returned to their home to take a mirror, of all things. ‘I’ve been learning a lot about fear lately,’ Sian writes, and goes on to talk about catoptrophobia, the fear of mirrors, or of reflections in mirrors. Being afraid of one’s own image.
And we see that Sian is changing …
I was particularly moved by the chapter on the death of Sian’s father when she was three months’ old. This stayed with me as I read, the child whose father drowned whilst trying to save another swimmer. I loved this passage:
This book is told with honesty and rawness, and you trust the narrator. Sian doesn’t shy (pardon the pun) away from her mistakes. Here she is writing about Julia Gillard admission to being shy.
In response to Gillard’s confession, Sian wrote what she thought was a cool, clinical opinion piece for the newspapers, arguing that admitting to this was a political mistake. She suggested shyness was seen as a feminine thing, that admitting it would provoke further bullying, and that Gillard would be seen as unfit to lead.
The next day, her email inbox overflowed with rebukes:
The only detail Sian keeps secret is the identity of Tom, because he is famous and she felt it would influence the reading of her story. I have no idea who dates whom, so I didn’t learn who ‘Tom’ was until after I’d read the book. I’m glad I didn’t know because it would have affected my reading of the story, and as it was I just read it as a relationship break-up and a shy person trying to pull the threads back together and be single again.
The relationship ended while Sian was writing the book, and by the end, the reader sees a different person, one who’s been through a life-changing event, one who has been forced to search deeply and find something within herself in order to keep going. One senses this is not the book she set out to write, not what she foresaw in her future, but that she’s come out the better for it.
The story is not told chronologically. It alternates between research, childhood memoir, and more recent events, but it flows and the reader never feel as if it jumps about.
Shy is a deep account of Sian’s life to date. It’s the story of her personal journey to learn about herself, to examine her life and try to make sense of it, to discover who she is and why. It’s an insightful, intelligent book, and at the end there is a sense that Sian is accepting of her shyness as part of who she is. Maybe, it’s not a flaw after all …
When I heard about her book, 'Shy, A Memoir', I felt drawn to the story of someone who, despite her shyness, has spent a significant amount of her professional life in the public eye. I was also intrigued because I’m someone who feels self-conscious and tongue-tied when out socially or meeting strangers, but I can pull on my professional persona when I must.
This review has taken me a couple of weeks to write as there’s so much in this book. It’s a personal memoir on shyness, yes, but it’s also the story of a girl who never knew her father, of a young woman drawn to men who needed rescuing, and of a mature woman facing middle age without a partner. It’s even more than that—it is a well-researched essay on shyness, with quotes from experts, including her mother, psychologist Margot Prior, and others. She also provides a reading list at the end.
The book opens after the break-up of the relationship with ‘Tom’. Sian is removing the mirror from the bedroom they’d shared. I couldn’t help wondering why she’d returned to their home to take a mirror, of all things. ‘I’ve been learning a lot about fear lately,’ Sian writes, and goes on to talk about catoptrophobia, the fear of mirrors, or of reflections in mirrors. Being afraid of one’s own image.
‘I wonder if there’s a different term to describe a fear of the reflections to be found in mirrors that no longer reflect you.’
And we see that Sian is changing …
I was particularly moved by the chapter on the death of Sian’s father when she was three months’ old. This stayed with me as I read, the child whose father drowned whilst trying to save another swimmer. I loved this passage:
‘There were two of them leading the way to the water’s edge, young ones, feeling immortal. I picture them hopping over the waves, their pale musicians’ arms flapping at the froth under the scudding clouds. Then quickly sucked out beyond the shallows by the furtive rip. Arms flapping harder now, salt water leaping into their mouths. Frog-legs kicking. Frog-voices croaking uselessly under the roar of the breakers.’
This book is told with honesty and rawness, and you trust the narrator. Sian doesn’t shy (pardon the pun) away from her mistakes. Here she is writing about Julia Gillard admission to being shy.
‘Reading the prurient, patronising headlines, I found myself squirming with a mixture of empathy and disapproval. Why did you let them see you cry? Why admit this publicly? What good could possibly come of it?‘
In response to Gillard’s confession, Sian wrote what she thought was a cool, clinical opinion piece for the newspapers, arguing that admitting to this was a political mistake. She suggested shyness was seen as a feminine thing, that admitting it would provoke further bullying, and that Gillard would be seen as unfit to lead.
The next day, her email inbox overflowed with rebukes:
‘As I forced myself to read through all the angry email responses, two ideas collided in my mind …
1. Shyness is a form of weakness (deep down, I had always believed this)
2. Women are weaker than men (deep down, I had never believed this)
… and produced a third idea:
3. My very clever opinion piece wasn’t about the prime minister. It was about me. And maybe it was another piece in the puzzle.’
The only detail Sian keeps secret is the identity of Tom, because he is famous and she felt it would influence the reading of her story. I have no idea who dates whom, so I didn’t learn who ‘Tom’ was until after I’d read the book. I’m glad I didn’t know because it would have affected my reading of the story, and as it was I just read it as a relationship break-up and a shy person trying to pull the threads back together and be single again.
The relationship ended while Sian was writing the book, and by the end, the reader sees a different person, one who’s been through a life-changing event, one who has been forced to search deeply and find something within herself in order to keep going. One senses this is not the book she set out to write, not what she foresaw in her future, but that she’s come out the better for it.
The story is not told chronologically. It alternates between research, childhood memoir, and more recent events, but it flows and the reader never feel as if it jumps about.
Shy is a deep account of Sian’s life to date. It’s the story of her personal journey to learn about herself, to examine her life and try to make sense of it, to discover who she is and why. It’s an insightful, intelligent book, and at the end there is a sense that Sian is accepting of her shyness as part of who she is. Maybe, it’s not a flaw after all …
“Shy. It’s such a shy word; a timid little word that begs to remain unnoticed. Only three letters long and it begins with an exhortation to silence: ‘shhh‘.”
May 27, 2014
Shy: A Memoir is the first book by Australian journalist, broadcaster media consultant and teacher, Sian Prior. Since 1980, when the DSM III recognised social anxiety, shyness has been accepted as a form of this disorder, situated on a spectrum that ranges from mild anxiety to social phobia. Sian Prior has suffered from shyness for as long as she can remember, but it was the overwhelming need, when she was in her forties, to escape from a party that finally stimulated her to research this often debilitating condition. Her research, together with candid accounts of Sian’s own experiences, form the bulk of this memoir. This highly personal aspect gives the reader a remarkable insight into the plight of those who suffer from this unenviable affliction, but also a revealing look at the rest of us. (“Why do we remember our failures and sufferings so much better than our pleasures and triumphs?” could equally apply to the unafflicted.) Prior explores the various definitions of shyness, as well as attitudes to shyness, and explains the difference between shyness and introversion. The contradiction arising from the fact that shy people are often successful in very public roles is also examined: Prior depicts Shy Sian and Professional Sian as virtually different people. Prior found that “shyness was sometimes interpreted by others as haughtiness or a lack of interest…” Pride, shame, loneliness, fear of rejection and bullying in relation to shyness are all considered, but Prior also notes the association of shyness with empathy and caring. Also appearing in this memoir are some interesting support characters: psychologist and mother, Professor Margot, the imaginary Magazine Woman, fearless grandmother Peg, Mr Hippy Shoulder Bag, musician, father and posthumous hero Glen, partner Tom (an alias for a well-known musician and performer), grandfather Stan and his printing press, Professor Ron, Julia Gillard and Charles Darwin. While the subject matter could have proved heavy going, Prior tells her story with wit, humour and some wonderfully descriptive prose. “Anxiety can be contagious, leaping from person to person” and “…the West Indian boys who played in the steel drum band would be swaying in a ragged line, brown arms waving over the metal pans like card-trick magicians, conjuring the sound of shy church bells seduced by calypso” and “What strange sort of holiday was I packing for here? A holiday on an island of grief” are just a few examples. This memoir is interesting and thought-provoking, and is an exceptional debut
October 20, 2014
I heard Sian Prior speak, and on the basis of this, was very intrigued and decided to buy and read her book. And I'm glad I did. It's an interesting exploration of key moments and emotional reactions in her life, with a determination to make sense of the anxiety, or shyness, that would overtake her generally in social, less structured settings. I can relate to this, and have many memories of similar, voiceless, wordless, clumsy social gatherings as a young child through to recent times. The way she drew these events was very real. The style of writing is quite unusual, moving from interviews (sometimes between the different personas she sees in herself, sometimes constructed from discussions with others, to recalling memories. And it is also a book about relating and relationships - as so much of shyness exists as an interaction with another, or many others.
Referenced throughout is her most recent and long term relationship with a singer / songwriter she calls 'Tom' (and who I will continue to, as the book is more about her relationship and her self with him than a memoir of him specifically). In that, I could hear and feel the pain of betrayal when the relationship ended, and he chose to write about it. We have two versions of what happened - what we have read in this memoir, and what is played out in the songs that he subsequently writes - the betrayal is apparent not only in the abandonment but also the reconfiguring of fact.
As she says 'Sometimes the truth slips away between the gaps in the stories we tell ourselves. Sometimes we push it through the gaps ourselves so we can make better stories. Reshape the characters. Make them more interesting, more heroic, more loveable. More deserving of sympathy. Less likely to be rejected'. (can we all relate to doing this from time to time?)
I'm sure many (all?) readers have also experienced perceived / actual abandonment and disloyalty to some degree, but to have it occur in publicly circulated writing - that is of even more intense punishment to people who have difficulties with self confidence and shyness. It is a brave writer to cover this topic, and to cover it so insightfully is a great achievement. It adds to the understanding of the emotional challenges of shyness - but also of the strength of those who struggle through, and in some cases, rise above it.
Referenced throughout is her most recent and long term relationship with a singer / songwriter she calls 'Tom' (and who I will continue to, as the book is more about her relationship and her self with him than a memoir of him specifically). In that, I could hear and feel the pain of betrayal when the relationship ended, and he chose to write about it. We have two versions of what happened - what we have read in this memoir, and what is played out in the songs that he subsequently writes - the betrayal is apparent not only in the abandonment but also the reconfiguring of fact.
As she says 'Sometimes the truth slips away between the gaps in the stories we tell ourselves. Sometimes we push it through the gaps ourselves so we can make better stories. Reshape the characters. Make them more interesting, more heroic, more loveable. More deserving of sympathy. Less likely to be rejected'. (can we all relate to doing this from time to time?)
I'm sure many (all?) readers have also experienced perceived / actual abandonment and disloyalty to some degree, but to have it occur in publicly circulated writing - that is of even more intense punishment to people who have difficulties with self confidence and shyness. It is a brave writer to cover this topic, and to cover it so insightfully is a great achievement. It adds to the understanding of the emotional challenges of shyness - but also of the strength of those who struggle through, and in some cases, rise above it.
March 18, 2017
I was asked to read this book for my local book club and to be honest if it was not for that I would have thrown the book out after the first chapter. For someone who claims to be Shy Sian sure comes across as someone who is able to put them self out there time after time, right from a child going off to music camp. I was not surprised at someone from the music camp after listening to a radio interview with Sian writing to her and saying she did not come across that way to her while at camp. It makes me wonder is Sian really shy of does she just want to think she is shy.
January 28, 2016
I’ve always thought of myself as being shy and as a teenager, I used to make myself do things to try to combat the feeling of shyness. I’d make myself ask questions in the regular Year Level forums that we had at boarding school. I went in a local musical when I was in Year 9. Despite these manoeuvres, I still think I am slightly shy. One of the first stories that Prior tells in this book is one about arriving at a birthday party, and, despite the fact that her partner was there, feeling panicky and fleeing from the celebration. I have done this. It took me years to properly say goodbye to people when leaving a party; to acknowledge to myself that people would WANT to say goodbye and that it was OK to leave. Like Sian, I’ve done a lot of things that require a public persona- from teaching secondary age kids for a long time to presenting workshops to adults to facilitating stuff at large scale conferences. Somehow this is do-a-ble but I still blush big time when I run into someone unexpectedly in the street.
Prior’s book is a meditation on her own shyness and on what people have come to believe about this state. In the course of researching for the book, her relationship of ten years with musician Paul Kelly broke up, and so the book is also an exploration of this. This part is a tricky thing. It’s part of the (OK voyeuristic) reason I wanted to read the book. Prior calls him “Tom” in the book – she says that she does not want his fame to be a distraction for those readers unaware of who she’s referring to. But like me, I bet there were a lot of readers who picked up the book at least partly for this reason. There’s grief and anger underpinning the narrative that takes it beyond what it otherwise would have been – a longish New Yorker-style essay on shyness.
I liked a lot of the musings. For example, her research included the work of Gavin and Whitty who found that internet users feel less aware of “being socially evaluated, which in turn allowed these individuals to reveal intimate details about themselves while maintaining distance and personal space.” (from ‘Cyberspace Romance: the Psychology of Online Relationships’.) I liked too, the idea of “bundling” where young American women in colonial times would invite a suitor to go to bed with them fully clothed (and sometimes with a barrier in between) to explore the possibility of potential connection and intimacy. I liked reading about the difference between introversion and shyness. I now don’t think I’m so shy but I know I’m introverted. I enjoyed this book: I think she worked at being honest and self aware. Of course the irony for a shy person is that it is quite exposing....
Prior’s book is a meditation on her own shyness and on what people have come to believe about this state. In the course of researching for the book, her relationship of ten years with musician Paul Kelly broke up, and so the book is also an exploration of this. This part is a tricky thing. It’s part of the (OK voyeuristic) reason I wanted to read the book. Prior calls him “Tom” in the book – she says that she does not want his fame to be a distraction for those readers unaware of who she’s referring to. But like me, I bet there were a lot of readers who picked up the book at least partly for this reason. There’s grief and anger underpinning the narrative that takes it beyond what it otherwise would have been – a longish New Yorker-style essay on shyness.
I liked a lot of the musings. For example, her research included the work of Gavin and Whitty who found that internet users feel less aware of “being socially evaluated, which in turn allowed these individuals to reveal intimate details about themselves while maintaining distance and personal space.” (from ‘Cyberspace Romance: the Psychology of Online Relationships’.) I liked too, the idea of “bundling” where young American women in colonial times would invite a suitor to go to bed with them fully clothed (and sometimes with a barrier in between) to explore the possibility of potential connection and intimacy. I liked reading about the difference between introversion and shyness. I now don’t think I’m so shy but I know I’m introverted. I enjoyed this book: I think she worked at being honest and self aware. Of course the irony for a shy person is that it is quite exposing....
October 27, 2014
An engaging memoir, mixing summaries of scientific research into shyness with anecdotes and memoir from her life. There's a lot to like here - Prior is ruthless about her own issues and clear-eyed about the ways in which she's made her life work around her chronic shyness. The book pivots on her break-up with her long-term boyfriend, leaving her without the social crutch that he represents. It's not always easy to completely believe Prior's issues given all the amazing things she's achieved, but she writes well and provides real insight into living with social anxiety.
August 2, 2015
3.5 stars.
I appreciated the existence of this book; makes a welcome literary change from much of the current self-help/popular psychology take on introversion. Related deeply to a great deal of Prior's exploration of her own shyness/social anxiety.
I appreciated the existence of this book; makes a welcome literary change from much of the current self-help/popular psychology take on introversion. Related deeply to a great deal of Prior's exploration of her own shyness/social anxiety.
December 31, 2014
has some research into social phobia or shyness but much maudlin over relationship ending with Paul Kelly.
October 24, 2019
Touching. Eloquent. Raw. Poetic. A beautiful, honest book about becoming comfortable in your own skin.
July 13, 2014
I’ve always considered myself to be a shy person, so when one of my sisters – who’s a good friend of the author’s sister – recommended ‘Shy’, I downloaded a copy onto my Kindle reader.
The author, an apparently confident and competent woman, has maintained a career in the public eye, working as an ABC presenter, newspaper columnist, lecturer and performer, and was also the partner of the popular musician Paul Kelly (called ‘Tom’ in the book).
The impetus for the book was curiosity about her experience at age 45 in going to a party, having a panic attack, and fleeing, leaving her partner behind. She decided to investigate, delving into the research and speaking with experts, including her mother. The result is an interesting and complex memoir – quite lively, revealing and courageous, and definitely not a self-help book. She also paints an unflattering portrait of ‘Tom’ and the breakdown of their relationship.
She notes that shyness is a temperament/trait that you’re born with and that there’s a stigma around those who fall at the more reserved end of the spectrum. Unlike those who are introverted or reserved, shy people are distressed by social anxiety as they want to connect with others. As a feminist, she felt she had to be strong and so perceived her shyness as a weakness. Over the years, she developed all sorts of strategies to deal with her shyness, and hid behind various personas such as “professional Sian”. Finding out the facts did not help her to eradicate her shyness, but did help her to stop being embarrassed by it and its associated symptoms.
Until reading this book, I thought I knew what ‘shy’ meant. I would now describe myself as “a little bit shy at times”.
The author, an apparently confident and competent woman, has maintained a career in the public eye, working as an ABC presenter, newspaper columnist, lecturer and performer, and was also the partner of the popular musician Paul Kelly (called ‘Tom’ in the book).
The impetus for the book was curiosity about her experience at age 45 in going to a party, having a panic attack, and fleeing, leaving her partner behind. She decided to investigate, delving into the research and speaking with experts, including her mother. The result is an interesting and complex memoir – quite lively, revealing and courageous, and definitely not a self-help book. She also paints an unflattering portrait of ‘Tom’ and the breakdown of their relationship.
She notes that shyness is a temperament/trait that you’re born with and that there’s a stigma around those who fall at the more reserved end of the spectrum. Unlike those who are introverted or reserved, shy people are distressed by social anxiety as they want to connect with others. As a feminist, she felt she had to be strong and so perceived her shyness as a weakness. Over the years, she developed all sorts of strategies to deal with her shyness, and hid behind various personas such as “professional Sian”. Finding out the facts did not help her to eradicate her shyness, but did help her to stop being embarrassed by it and its associated symptoms.
Until reading this book, I thought I knew what ‘shy’ meant. I would now describe myself as “a little bit shy at times”.
September 19, 2014
After disappearing for half an hour into the night during the wedding celebrations of my boyfriend's friends because I couldn't face any more interactions with strangers, this book definitely struck me close to the bone. Sometimes even a little too closely. Part memoir on her relationship, and subsequent break up, with a well know musician and part research project into the science and psychology behind shyness, I found this to be really interesting and insightful into some of my own behaviour attributes.
December 18, 2015
I found this memoir fascinating, both as an examination of shyness and social phobia and as a dissection of a relationship. Sian Prior delves into the meaning and history of the condition of shyness from an angle I've not thought of before, which gave me insights into my own shyness. Woven throughout the book is the gradual demise of her relationship with "Tom", who I think I can safely say is a thinly veiled pseudonym for musician, Paul Kelly. I really admired Prior for her frankness in discussing both these aspects of her life and the challenges that they posed.
August 22, 2017
A bit of an oddity this book. It's not really a memoir or an essay on what it is to be shy. I feel that the author is busting to talk about the split up with her famous musician boyfriend but doesn't want his story to take over hers. I think she might have done better to just let it all pour out. Give him a good kick in the balls -in a literary way- and just let it all hang out. All the misery and bitterness and anger and sadness and give the readers what they want - an expose of this little man's character flaws.
March 29, 2015
Sian Prior writes beautifully on her shyness and how it has impacted her life and her relationships. Part clinical analysis and part personal anecdotes, I probably connected more with the personal, it would be fascinating to understand more about how her very early experiences shaped her psyche.
It was interesting to see the distinction between shyness and introversion explored here, I can certainly relate to the latter and the explanation of the motivations for each seemed bang on.
It was interesting to see the distinction between shyness and introversion explored here, I can certainly relate to the latter and the explanation of the motivations for each seemed bang on.
Read
September 20, 2016Mingling personal accounts with research, Prior sets out to uncover what it means to be shy by putting herself at the centre of the experiment. Perhaps an unorthodox approach to dealing with her shyness, Prior candidly recounts periods of intense insecurity and anxiety.
Read more of our review here: https://www.writersedit.com/book-revi...
Read more of our review here: https://www.writersedit.com/book-revi...
July 8, 2014
I picked this up at the airport on the way to Brisbane and read it in a few days. It was beautifully written and insightful - a real insight into shyness and social anxiety. Got me thinking about myself and my family; I think there's a strong shy strand there. Highly recommended.
October 16, 2014
I loved this book. It's funny and sad at the same time. As a shy introvert I felt like the author had in some way read my mind. It was a validation of how I've felt for a long time. If you are shy or live with someone who is shy I would highly recommend reading it.
January 8, 2015
This is a passionate inquiry into what it means to be shy, how shyness manifests itself and what sufferers can do about it. More memoir than self-help book, it asks thoughtful questions and provides insight rather than providing glib answers.
June 24, 2014
Loved it. Read it in one night. Was not expecting to be so moved by the story. If you are shy, anxious or interested in social human behavior, then get a copy and read this book.
December 4, 2014
Sensitive and heartfelt: Sian is a lovely writer.
Her personal anecdotes are more interesting than the academic detours but it's a thoughtful meditation on a lifelong affliction.
Her personal anecdotes are more interesting than the academic detours but it's a thoughtful meditation on a lifelong affliction.
Read
August 4, 2015Rating and thoughts to follow
April 9, 2022
This was a very powerful memoir, probably one of the best I've read since I started bingeing on them last year. I think a large part of reader engagement with a non-fiction story comes from finding the personal connection, and Sian Prior tackling her life-long shyness (or, cutely, "Sian-ness") was the perfect hook for me. I'm not sure I'd call myself shy these days, and I seem to swing from introvert to ambivert depending on my energy levels and external factors, but a lot of Sian's story felt like my own, particularly her description of a professional self who shrugged on a cloak of confidence to hide the inner shyness. I've done exactly the same in past careers of teaching and visitor services work, donning a figurative costume (or in some work, a literal uniform) to transcend that shyness and succeed. I also thought a lot of what Prior described sounded like high-functioning autism as it presents in women, but she dismissed that possibility without much digging. Brilliantly written and thoroughly researched, and it may also make you more clear-eyed about a certain iconic Australian singer-songwriter. From little things, big things grow.
September 16, 2021
This is a beautifully written memoir of a classical musician, radio presenter, creative writing teacher, and environmental activist. Quite a lot of performance which can seem paradoxical in someone who is shy which is the theme of the book. It goes on a quest to find what shyness is and in this respect is a bit like a journalistic book of psychology. Sian reveals her own life quite obliquely but I think this is clever, because if you are shy you so often want to be invisible. Hiding behind - well research for a start. And her description of mirrors I can so identify with although I haven't actually unscrewed one from a wall, just know where they are and keep away. Her last chapter covers some of the omissions of what you would get in a normal memoir. It could be said that because it tries to do two things, it doesn't work, but I think it does and that's what helps to make it particularly interesting.
January 28, 2019
Oo I did like reading this book. It was insightful especially as it’s a curiosity to me how someone can be so accomplished and high achieving despite being shy. We are a large noisy family of loudmouths competing for centrestage except for one and with this one in mind I was keen for an understanding of what it is like to be shy and yet accomplishing. I found this book helpful in that regard.
It is an easy and likeable read which does not go too far into the science of shyness, this may be less than some readers want. It was all that I needed and enjoyable along the way.
It does seem to stop being a memoir about being shy towards the end, but I didn’t mind that at all.
It is an easy and likeable read which does not go too far into the science of shyness, this may be less than some readers want. It was all that I needed and enjoyable along the way.
It does seem to stop being a memoir about being shy towards the end, but I didn’t mind that at all.
December 25, 2019
I don’t know what I expected from this book, but whatever it was I didn’t get it. Perhaps I wanted a more personal version of the book “Quiet” by Susan Cain. But it was more a im-shy-asf (yes, of course you are) and I-broke-up-with-my-boyfriend-over-it.
Meh. Not entirely boring but not enough to make me like it either.
Meh. Not entirely boring but not enough to make me like it either.
January 8, 2023
“Shyness is fear of other people.
Fear of other people is social anxiety.
Social anxiety is the fear of being negatively evaluated.
But what is the final, the deepest, the most shameful fear
What happens if other people negatively evaluate us?
Shyness is fear of rejection.”
Fear of other people is social anxiety.
Social anxiety is the fear of being negatively evaluated.
But what is the final, the deepest, the most shameful fear
What happens if other people negatively evaluate us?
Shyness is fear of rejection.”
October 8, 2017
...and a half.
Could equally be titled 'Lovely'.
Could equally be titled 'Lovely'.
November 12, 2017
Fascinating, engrossing, insightful and such a guide to social anxiety.
January 17, 2020
self indulgent
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