4.5⭐️
This was SUCH A GOOD READ I literally could not put it down!!! It’s so far out of the bubble of what I usually read but I’m all about broadening my reading horizons in ‘24 and I am so glad I did because this was truly a joy to read :)
This entire cast of characters is so incredibly complex and Emily does a fantastic job of conveying them through Teddy's eyes in all her states of being 🥹 Teddy is not the most reliable narrator, particularly because almost all of the novel is her recounting the events of the past 6 months to intimidating men interrogating her, but what she is is an incredibly resilient woman who’s been dealt bad cards over and over again and she’s really just doing her best whilst navigating a new country, marriage, scheming government officials, and all the secrets she’s carrying with her- their weight and the perceived weight of them if ever found out.
To be completely fair, I wasn’t sure how I felt about her at first, but I think that was intentional on the author's part. The more we learnt about her, though, the more my heart went out to her and the more gentle I was with my judgement of her choices. She really was just doing her best, trying to juggle the depressive moods and the lingering survival habits that come with growing up in the environment she did; of trying so desperately to be the best version of herself and being smacked in the face with her limited ability to achieve that be it because of mental health, financial restrictions, or just the fact that she was imagining an idealised and likely impossible version of a woman who did not exist and never would. It was heartbreaking to see her go through this cycle of feeling better, reaching too far, and falling even lower than when she started. But in her own words, she never gave up. That resilience and ability to bounce back made reading this such an experience; to be in her head through these events and see her problem solve- even if her choices and actions were chaotic at best and dangerous at worst. 🥲❣️
The pacing of this book was SO WELL DONE!!! I was completely gripped from the very first page to the very end, the way each chapter shed new meaning onto things we previously understood differently, the way secrets unravelled, the way her paranoia caught up to her, the scheming of literally all the men around her. I absolutely loved how this timeline played out, how the events were timed relative to one another, how they were worked into the setting of art and culture, of times past and times still to come. It was fascinating the way it bounced between events of the past and those still to come, the way Teddy's own hindsight created a contrast between the Teddy we're listening to and the one she's telling us about. Getting to know Teddy as much as she allowed (because I’m still not convinced we know the full story, she’s definitely got more of herself still squirrelled away and to be honest, I love that for her) was a joy and sometimes really bloody stressful watching her walk into an obviously terrible decision,, but she’s a survivor and she’s made it this far so who am I to criticise. 😭🏃🏻♀️
The parallels with classical art/ mythology were so so so good- potentially my favourite thing after the pacing and ending.
Exhibits 1 through 4:
"It may seem convenient that I passed through those places on that particular day, those monuments to the deaths of wicked women, but it would have been the same if I'd followed the photographer on any other route through Rome. The city has always been strewn with them, poisoners and seductresses, witches. And now I had joined that ill-fated sisterhood."
"I remembered reading a story about Ancient Greece, or Sparta, I think it was, when I was a child, about a boy who had stolen a fox cub from a rich man and hidden it under his shirt. When people questioned him, he refused to admit that he'd taken the pup, and the animal grew hungry and frightened and gnawed all the way through his belly, the boy continuing to deny all the while that he'd ever done anything wrong, until he fell down dead. That's how it felt, for the first few days. A lie gnawing you to the bone."
"...everything which plagued me was a product of my own character, was the result of something internal that had grown in crooked, like a bucked tooth. You can understand how they would think it was only a matter of cutting. it out. You could see how someone might imagine it was like scraping barnacles off a ship, or rust from an old nail. Like hacking and chipping away at a block of marble until it takes on a more perfect form, becomes a more perfect woman."
"I understood now that I would always be afraid. If I accepted their help, if I kept trying to hide, I would spend the rest of my life slicing away at myself, trying to fit, trying to become smooth and polished and perfect, and one day I would find a fatal flaw in the marble and a crack would open up, and that would be the end of me.
And I didn't want it to be. I wanted to live."
I mean??????? She ate that UP !! 😫😫😫
I also really loved how Teddy could go from a seemingly frivolous person with no care in the world beyond the next bag she'll buy to someone with such deeply felt, complex emotional experiences. She swings so violently between wanting to be better to do better (often times for David's approval or that of her social circle) to not caring at all and thinking it would be better to just lay her head down and let her world crash and burn, that it would be forgiven if you occasionally lost track of just how much she wanted to live and experience the world-
"I always thought I would give up; I would make an assessment and decide it was better to die quietly and calmly than to go out into the cold and walk until my feet were bloodied and my hands were frostbitten.
But here I was with this pain in my chest, with my heart pounding away like a pigeon in a wire cage, hands shaking, hardly having slept in three days, running on coffee and pills and, I suppose, the deep-fried organs of sheep and cows from a few days earlier, and when I drank water it tasted like batteries in my mouth, but I was still walking, and I understood. I would've snapped the sinews of my compatriots with my teeth, I would have cracked their bones and eaten the marrow, if I'd had to. I would have cried, and wailed, and shaken my fist, and I definitely would have vomited all over the pristine, Arctic ice, but I would have done it.
It may sound strange, but when I look back, I'm proudest of this: that I hadn't given up yet."
This was such a visceral, grotesque, but ultimately powerful passage that I think really is the closest we'll get to understanding Teddy fully. The courage for her to even admit that she's proud of something she's done/achieved is monumental in the face of all the rejection and condemnation that she received growing up and until this point. It beautifully coveys both the lengths she's willing to go to to come out - maybe not on top but definitely in one piece- the other side of misfortunes, and her softness- her childlike sensitivity to the world and its harshness.
The atmosphere, interrogation/retelling format were massive highlights and really brought this story together in a wonderful way!! I love that the ending isn’t a clean cut resolution, at least not emotionally for Teddy- she's not suddenly cured or the perfect Hollywood blonde she wanted to be for so long, but it felt real and so satisfyingly full circle,, I really was rooting for her the whole time 🥹❣️
If you’re looking for scandal, glitz, espionage, a whole lot of emotional turbulence, beautifully crafted links to art and mythology in 1960’s Rome?? Pick this up you’ll love it!!
Thank you so much 4thestate for this proof copy <3