Jump to ratings and reviews
Rate this book

Miss Melville #1

Miss Melville Regrets

Rate this book
Good breeding simply doesn't pay the rent anymore.

And while Miss Melville has bucketloads of breeding, she finds herself somewhat...lacking, shall we say, when it comes to finances. Distinctly lacking. Her rich friends are no help; they think "broke" means having to buy a smaller yacht. What is an impoverished gentlewoman to do?

Become a killer for hire, of course. But Miss Melville (who prefers the term "hitwoman") doesn't take just any job, no matter how well paid. That kind of sordid money-grubbing is beneath contempt. No, she reserves her talents for those who...let's say those who really deserve them. It's true, her ancestors would roll in their graves at the thought of Miss Melville working—and for a paycheck, my dear! But finger sandwiches and opera tickets don't come One does what one must.

312 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 1986

5 people are currently reading
331 people want to read

About the author

Evelyn E. Smith

182 books21 followers
Evelyn E. Smith was an American author of Science Fiction. During the 1950s, her works appeared regularly in magazines such as Galaxy and Fantastic Universe. In the 1980s, she wrote a number of novels featuring the character Miss Melville, a middle-aged assassin.

She also wrote as Delphine C. Lyons and Christopher Grimm.

Ratings & Reviews

What do you think?
Rate this book

Friends & Following

Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!

Community Reviews

5 stars
67 (28%)
4 stars
78 (33%)
3 stars
77 (32%)
2 stars
14 (5%)
1 star
0 (0%)
Displaying 1 - 30 of 51 reviews
Profile Image for Freda.
79 reviews
December 26, 2016
There needs to be more books about middle aged lady assassins who gatecrash charity dos.
Profile Image for Wealhtheow.
2,465 reviews607 followers
January 27, 2010
Susan Melville grew up the privileged, wealthy daughter of New York blue-bloods, assured of her comfortable place in Society. But it's the 1980s, and the city has changed since Wharton's era. The Melville money is gone and Susan's rent-controlled apartment is being sold out from under her to form condos. In despair, she sneaks into a party with the object of committing suicide. But as she pulls her father's gun from her purse, she questions why she should die and the unscrupulous businessman who bought her building should live. Filled with righteous indignation, she shoots him.

To her surprise, she is hustled out of the room by a young man before anyone even realizes a murder has occurred. He badgers her to tell him who hired her; she is amazed to discover that he is an assassin, and he assumes she is as well. And thus begins Miss Melville's career as a hired killer. No one notices a middle-aged woman in slightly shabby clothes, and years of recreational shooting have given her fantastic aim. Her self-assurred poise and wealthy connections give her just the edge she needs. And to her pleasure, her experiences as an assassin make the many little indignities and annoyances of her former life laughably managable.

But then she starts to wonder if perhaps, she has gotten just a little trigger happy. And besides, she wants to be an artist, not a killer...

Miss Melville is sensible, pragmatic, and extremely snobby in a ladylike sort of way. Her supporting characters are uniquely dotty (if not particularly believable). And 1908s New York is presented with flair and not a little bit of artistic license. A fast, fun read.
Profile Image for Mike (the Paladin).
3,148 reviews2,176 followers
March 18, 2018
Well... I was on the fence between 3 and 4 stars here as there are parts of the book I was a little bored with. These are mostly the intermediate chapters about the foibles fastidious problems on Miss Melville concerning her family, friends and emotions. However without these there would be a significant loss of plot exposition so, okay they got a bit slow at times but there were also some humorous breaks in that so, readable.

See Miss Melville was brought up wealth and is a very proper person. When finding herself virtually penniless as an (almost) middle-aged lady with no way out of that predicament, well there seems only one way out.

She add appealed to...well to a certain acquaintance (relation?) for help and he'd managed to actually gloat a bit leaving Miss Melville no better off. So as there is a dinner with the said "acquaintance" as main speaker she decides she'll kill herself there to, you know ruin his night. However as he give a self-serving hypocritical speech it occurs to Miss Melville, "why should I kill myself?" So...she shoots him, and is subsequently offered a "job" as an assassin.

Of course there's much more to the story and it's told with a certain humor Evelyn E. Smith's tongue being firmly planted if her cheek.

Pretty good, I'll go 4 stars and recommend you try it for yourself.

Yeah even you other macho guys, I mean it is about an assassin...
Profile Image for J. Boo.
770 reviews30 followers
July 20, 2016
An upper-crust lady d'un certain age accidentally finds herself a career as an assassin. Read -- and enjoyed -- when I was a teenager, and occasionally vaguely thought of since. I'd forgotten the title but not the plot. But while digging up information about Evelyn Smith, a riotously funny author of science fiction short stories in 1950s Galaxy magazines (available now on Gutenberg!), I serendipitously discovered that the author of these was the same as the author of that, and Miss Melville Regrets is the title.
Profile Image for Evelyn.
Author 1 book33 followers
July 8, 2022
I bought three books by Ms. Smith at a local used book sale. When I went to read one, I found that I had books 2 through 4 of a series. I decided to buy the first book online to start at the beginning. This book was so funny and wonderful to read. Susan Melville, a middle-aged woman of a once prominent family, has come upon bad times. She still has her old-fashioned sense of manners and lady-like behavior, but little money. She eventually falls into the habit of wearing her old formal wear and "crashing" charity events for a little adventure and some free buffet food. When her rent-controlled New York apartment is threatened by a co-op, she becomes depressed and a little desperate. By a series of events, she finds herself at a dinner where her repulsive landlord is to give a speech. Suddenly, in a change of heart, she takes the fun from her handbag, ostensibly to commit a very public suicide, and instead points it at her nemesis, her landlord. She subsequently finds herself being considered as a potential employee of a company that kills nasty people for hire. Will she get the job? Will she be good at it? Susan's life becomes a whirlwind of unbelievable situations. She manages to survive, and provides a lot of entertaining reading for anyone going along for the ride. I laughed out loud way too often at this story!
Profile Image for Debbie.
1,087 reviews19 followers
August 7, 2022
The entire time I read Miss Melville Regrets, I kept picturing Helen Mirren as Miss Melville. Miss Melville is an older woman of impeccable breeding and social standing. Due to financial difficulties, she needs to find some sort of employment. After crashing a party given by her obnoxious landlord, she surprises herself by standing up and shooting him after he made several heartless remarks about homeless people. She is rescued by Alex Tabor, the hired assassin who was supposed to kill the cruel landlord. She starts working for Alex’s boss as a hired assassin. Although there is quite a bit of murder, none of it is graphic. It reminded me of 1950’s TV – people just neatly keeled over dead after being shot. And Miss Melville has standards. She only shoots people who deserve it.
This was so much fun! I can’t wait to see what Miss Melville is up to in the next book – Miss Melville Returns.
Profile Image for Donna Veal.
16 reviews1 follower
March 5, 2018
I loved this book! I wasn’t really prepared for the quick turn it took and found myself itching to find out what happened next! Well written and I adored the humor! It had me laughing out loud! I’m a Miss Melville fan!
Profile Image for Kaethe.
6,572 reviews531 followers
October 6, 2019
Apparently suffering from acute nostalgia, I have lately found myself remembering books last read thirty years ago, and thinking of them fondly, and wondering were they really that good?

Yes.

Susan Melville is a middle-aged artist and Manhattan blueblood, without a job, without a fortune, in a rent-controlled apartment going coop with nothing left to sell and no hope. So she takes the only reasonable offer she's received. And now she kills bad people. Only bad people. Very bad people.

It's a comedy of manners with a charming heroine and a marvelous ending. And of course I enjoy it, now that I am also a woman of a certain age. Where Prizzi's Honor or Get Shorty went for a certain cool style, Miss Melville evokes a traditional vibe that would still feel at home in Southern Living.

A fun start to my Halloween reading.

Edited to add: Murder Most Foul, indeed
Profile Image for L B.
244 reviews
June 26, 2022
An old favorite that needs to be published as an e-book.
Profile Image for April.
560 reviews
May 24, 2021
I'm still working diligently through the To Be Read pile. This one came to me when a local library was cleaning out some stock. I'm certain that I must have chosen it for that electric pink cover that lured me, and the intriguing title. I am so glad that I found this book because it is such a fun romp of a read. It's hysterical, but has a lot of heart, too. The characters are intriguing and really have you rooting for them. And the ending is a nice little surprise.

Miss Melville is a woman of a certain age. She used to be a woman of means, but her father ran off with the family fortune. She supports herself as an art teacher, but when the school closes, Miss Melville finds herself in a bit of a cash crunch. Her boyfriend is off in South America studying a native tribe. Her paintings aren't selling. And her apartment is now going co-op. Desperate, Miss Melville decides to end it all in a most extraordinary way. Her landlord is the honored guest at a benefit dinner at the Museum of American Art. She plans to give him a piece of her mind and then execute herself in front of the crowd. At the last moment, however, she decides that she would much rather get rid of her landlord than herself, and so she shoots him. A mysterious man helps her flee the scene, and then presents her with a most curious proposal: he wants her to become an a hired killer. He tells her that women of her age and breeding blend in with the crowd, and cause little notice. That fact coupled with her shooting skills make her the perfect would-be-assassin. And thus, Miss Melville's new career is born. We follow her along this new career path, and then to is shocking and intriguing end.

I highly recommend this book. You'll laugh, you'll feel for Miss Melville, and you'll even get a bit of a mystery in the shadowy boss.
Profile Image for Nora.
Author 5 books48 followers
January 18, 2022
I re-read this comedy/thriller of the 1980s and I loved it even more than I did when I was a young person. This novel is drenched to its core in '80s New York, and because it's so well-written, it's fascinating rather than dated because everything is explained properly. Young people will be able to understand what's going on when, for example, Miss Melville gets on the bus and drops her coins in the box and gets a paper transfer from the driver. Here is the New York of Crazy Eddie, rich people clipping coupons, and Central Park being too dangerous to walk in.

The main character Miss Melville is an artist living in genteel poverty in her rent-controlled apartment, but now the building is going co-op and she can't afford to buy her apartment. The author describes gentrification very vividly as "the colonial juggernaut." Through a series of strange mischances, Miss Melville first becomes an established party crasher and then begins a lucrative new career as an assassin. But she only murders awful people who deserve it. Miss Melville is a wonderful character because although she's snobbish and old-fashioned, she is great at shooting people and has a lot of plain common sense. For example, when her headmistress cousin complains that one of the parents at her school has had a "sex change," Miss Melville phlegmatically tells her, "Things like that are happening all over the world." Miss Melville also can't understand the strange "downtown" young artists, but she feels some sense of kinship with them. I have never read the other books in this series--I didn't even know it was a series--but I'm looking forward to it now.

82 reviews6 followers
January 11, 2021
This was an interesting read. This is the first in the series, and I had never read anything by the author.
I generally read mysteries, many of which are Cozies. I started this and found it to be interesting and well written, but not quite what I was expecting.
Miss Melville is a member of New York's high society, but after her father absconded with his money (and other people's money) twenty years before, she and her mother end up with enough to live on to begin with, but as the years go on, the cost of living goes up, and the money doesn't go as far, in spite of living in a rent controlled apartment.
Miss Melville is offered a job as Art Teacher in a school one of her relatives starts, but after many years the cousin decides to close the school, leaving Miss Melville without much of an income. She ends up accidentally crashing a fund-raising party, and meets several people who crash parties on regular basis. They give her advice on party crashing, and she begins to do it regularly, as it supplements her money by providing many meals per week. And then something unexpected happened...
I enjoyed this story. The book grabbed my interest fairly quickly, and nearing the end I found myself staying up late to finish it. I look forward to reading others in the series.

This is number 1 in my ATY in 52 books challenge.

There are no gory death scenes, and I can't recall any bad language.
Profile Image for Rebecca Davis.
41 reviews17 followers
October 26, 2014
It's a shame this book is no longer in print (or at least, I think it is no longer in print, I could be wrong, it wouldn't be the first time) because the premise is so unique. A middle-aged woman who takes up a career of being an assassin (but only of "bad" people). I first read this book in my 20's and then reread it a couple of years ago and still enjoyed it immensely, although I'm now older than the character and kinda resent the idea that middle-aged women become "invisible" and thus can shoot people with impunity because no one will remember what they looked like. I'm hoping that conceit is no longer true, you know, the "invisible" part. Of course, in this age of phones with built-in cameras, someone would have snapped her photo so this book could never be written today. Or maybe no one would bother to snap her photo?
Profile Image for Lynda.
2,497 reviews121 followers
May 31, 2009
This is one of my favorite mysteries. I love Miss Melville, a member of "real" NY blue bloods, who has fallen on hard times. She makes ends meet by crashing weddings and posh events for food. Then she accidently kills an assassin's target and he recruits her as a pro. Delightful.
Profile Image for Lynn.
3,045 reviews85 followers
March 12, 2012
This was a delightful mystery, well written, good plot ---very good! “Nothing ever does turn out the way you imagine it, she thought “When your dreams come true, too often you find out that they were nightmares all along.” Page 269 Did order the other books in this series.
Profile Image for Tonya Mathis.
1,138 reviews21 followers
January 5, 2017
I enjoyed reading this book. I could see in my minds eye a movie/tv show as I read. I plan on getting more of the books in this series, such a fun read.
Profile Image for Serena.
3,259 reviews71 followers
September 8, 2017
My Rating System:
* couldn't finish, ** wouldn't recommend, *** would recommend, **** would read again, ***** have read again.
425 reviews7 followers
September 9, 2017
I read this sometime in the 70's. I thought it was very funny. I don't think I have run across anything quite like it since.
Profile Image for Connie Mollo.
403 reviews3 followers
September 17, 2017
Fun book to read. What I would call a cozy mystery only the main character; Miss Melville is an assassin. The adventure begins with the first chapter. Quick easy reading and humorous.
Profile Image for Margaux Tatin Blanc.
169 reviews
Read
April 29, 2020
I had not read this novel, the first one in the series of the Miss Melville books, since 1986 when it was published... And it was such a time travel capsule... It was so wonderful... and I enjoyed it even more than when i read it the first time as now I am a middle aged woman like Miss Melville and I feel that, like her, I could go back to party crashing as people do not notice the middle aged and aging women! Of course I would be a boring party crasher enjoying the free booze and the free food, the lovely setting and leaving with the floral centerpiece, but I would not shoot the star of the event...
But she does this with such flourish and such art... And she never eliminates people who are not "bad people"
Miss Melville being the heiress of a long line of Melville rich in traditions and famous people but very cash poor... she is an artist, and part of a world that already does not exist in 1986... she is definitely the type who gets nosebleed below 42nd street... she hates the idea of going to Union Square!!
And the galleries downtown (SOHO) are just starting to be famous and respected...
She does all her party crashing and murders in famous private clubs and museums... there are definite KEYS to all this, but I won't spoil the book as finding the real person, the real club or museum, behind the very closely named person or organization, is definitely part of the fun!
So if you were in NY in the 80s, you will love it... and if you were not then you will discover a totally funny, humorous, extraordinary character... and love it...
Profile Image for Julia.
1,188 reviews37 followers
August 17, 2024
I originally read this as a paperback in the 1980s. (I thought it was as a teenager, but the publication date is later.)

There are a lot of really good inside jokes about NYC and museums, which I appreciated. There was one point near the beginning which I didn't appreciate, when one of the characters is describing her experience meeting a trans woman and blames the daughter's problems on how she was raised. I don't know if the author would still put that in if she were writing this today.

The main character is a middle-aged woman in New York who lives in a rent-controlled building that is going to be converted to co-op, but she can't afford to buy her apartment. The building is owned by the son of a family friend who is not sympathetic. To make ends meet, Miss Melville crashes museum and non-profit fundraisers where she can get free food and swag. .
Profile Image for Karin.
1,837 reviews35 followers
October 28, 2023
This book was mixed for me, so 3 stars is an average rating. Some parts were good, some parts were boring and the ending was rather unsatisfying, but there are four books in this series so I may well try the next one. The idea of this book was better than the execution--this was recommended to me by a GR friend.

In any event, this is a 1980s novel written by a primarily scifi writer (but this is not scifi) about a middle aged (one guesses based on various and sundry references) artist whose career never took off, Susan Melville, who becomes an assassin, but who will only assassinate people who have done horrible things and retains the right to turn down any job she where she doesn't feel that the intended victim deserves to die. In addition to offing people, she spends a great deal of time painting, among other things.
1,256 reviews
February 4, 2025
The premise of the book is excellent: A middle-aged blue-blood New Yorker runs short of money, learns to be a party crasher, and stumbles into the lucrative profession of assassin. Unfortunately, much of the book deals with Miss Melville's dealings with her acquaintances ("friends" might be overstating their relationships), and those parts dragged. The humor of the book was too dry to draw more than slight smiles from me. And the frequent references to television commercials guarantees that the book does not age well.
Profile Image for DocNora.
285 reviews3 followers
June 12, 2025
Don't understand the reviews. But then I don't understand what this world has come to these days.
This is a cut above the average modern 'best seller '. I adore Miss Melville, a lady after my own heart. The prose is elegant, witty, very charming and has a transatlantic' 'accent'. My favourite kind of murder mysteries are the Agatha Christie, Patricia Wentworth, Dorothy L Sayers, Margery Allingham golden age variety and this had an engaging 20's tone with a nostalgic 80's setting. A delightful and humourous read. Of course I bought the others in the series.
Profile Image for Krystal.
235 reviews
July 5, 2025
This is not my usual kind of book as it doesn't fully feel like a mystery. however, after reading the description on the back, I had to give it a try and I'm glad I did. What a blast from the past into the world of '80s, glitz and glam that I was a little too young to enjoy at the time. While our Miss Melville could be a bit petulant and irritating at times. she was overall a delightful character. the story was paced a little slow for a while but once I got into it I really got into it. I did guess some aspect of the ending but I was still pleased. It's a fun, rainy day read.
Profile Image for Amy.
3,066 reviews625 followers
January 25, 2026
Hollywood should stop remaking things and turn this into a movie instead.

The book was pitched to me as "Miss Marple if she was an assassin."

And yeah, that's not inaccurate. Miss Melville grew up in the upper crust of genteel society. Unfortunately, middle age finds her dwindled to obscurity and poverty. Of course, the obvious thing is to turn assassin!

Though it drags a little in the middle, this is an overall fun romp that will definitely appeal to fans of Mrs. Pollifax.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 51 reviews

Can't find what you're looking for?

Get help and learn more about the design.