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Do Ask, Do Tell: Queer Life, Love and Culture Laid Bare
'Bursting with empathy, understanding and humour. A crucial book for our community and allies.' Suzi Ruffell
What is a black cat lesbian? Is ‘aromantic’ a sexuality or a preference? How are bisexual and pansexual different? What’s it like to be queer and religious? Does Gen Z do darkrooms? How do you navigate life as a OAQ (Old Age Queer)? What does trans euphoria feel like? Why is nightlife so central to the community? What is camp today?
As queer people themselves, authors Lotte Jeffs and Stu Oakley knew they didn’t have all the answers, because their individual experience represents a single pixel of the rainbow. Do Ask, Do Tell is an unapologetically curious journey through the dazzling spectrum of queer life that will give people – queer, straight, cis and everything in-between – the confidence to say 'I don’t know'.
With humor, warmth, and radically open minds, Stu and Lotte tackle the questions you may have avoided asking for fear of getting it wrong. Covering everything from ageing to open relationships, darkrooms to Drag Kings, camp to carabinas, as well as the intricacies of gender and sexuality.
This insightful and provocative exploration challenges assumptions, shatters taboos, and opens up the conversation. Whether you’re seeking clarity for your cis straight self or deeper insight as a member of the community, this book is your guide to better understanding and celebrating the richness of queer life.
What is a black cat lesbian? Is ‘aromantic’ a sexuality or a preference? How are bisexual and pansexual different? What’s it like to be queer and religious? Does Gen Z do darkrooms? How do you navigate life as a OAQ (Old Age Queer)? What does trans euphoria feel like? Why is nightlife so central to the community? What is camp today?
As queer people themselves, authors Lotte Jeffs and Stu Oakley knew they didn’t have all the answers, because their individual experience represents a single pixel of the rainbow. Do Ask, Do Tell is an unapologetically curious journey through the dazzling spectrum of queer life that will give people – queer, straight, cis and everything in-between – the confidence to say 'I don’t know'.
With humor, warmth, and radically open minds, Stu and Lotte tackle the questions you may have avoided asking for fear of getting it wrong. Covering everything from ageing to open relationships, darkrooms to Drag Kings, camp to carabinas, as well as the intricacies of gender and sexuality.
This insightful and provocative exploration challenges assumptions, shatters taboos, and opens up the conversation. Whether you’re seeking clarity for your cis straight self or deeper insight as a member of the community, this book is your guide to better understanding and celebrating the richness of queer life.
- GenresNonfictionLGBTQueer
264 pages, Kindle Edition
Published May 29, 2025
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
May 5, 2025
Do Ask Do Tell: Queer Life, Love and Culture Laid Bare by Lotte Jeffs and Stu Oakley is a book that is very much one that does exactly what it says on the cover.
Lotte and Stuart are both members of the LGBTQIA community who realised after time out together, that there is still so much of the community both they and others may not know about. Whether it be generational things or simply a nuance that is commonly known in one area of the community and not in the other. The LGBTQIA community is both one and several after all and things don’t transfer over in terminology or necessity (and many other reasons.)
Through their initial conversations together, the two begin to interview friends and other members of the community to gain answers to varied amounts of questions that are relevant to many but may struggle on the where and the who to ask. I found the book to be one that is easy to engage with, and the way the interviews are relayed is informal and I liked how the person and setting is described so you as the reader could be sitting down with either Lotte or Stu as they talk.
You will learn all that you need to from the information they both bring to the book, whether it’s terminology for the types of lesbians or gay men there are out there or perhaps the ongoing issues with mental and emotional conflict many LGBTQIA members face between their place in their religion and who they are in regards to gender or sexual preference. As I say, there are many issues discussed and each is treated the same with the respect they deserve both to educate and be inclusive to all who pick up the book. We all have to begin somewhere when we begin our journey out of the closet so to speak (and sometimes when we step out again as many also do.)
I was particularly interested in the areas that cover being disabled and Queer in some form or another as that’s been as issue I’ve experienced in the last decade and how both media and the community welcome those who are disabled in one form or another, Members of the LGBTQIA community still don’t as a whole welcome and support disabled people and this, along with other books out there really highlight how far we have to go still.
This is an excellent read, and I am so glad to see books like this out there which will help a person feel they can further explore who and what they are, and also shed off some of the outdated stereotypes of certain aspects of being LGBTQIA.
Lotte and Stuart are both members of the LGBTQIA community who realised after time out together, that there is still so much of the community both they and others may not know about. Whether it be generational things or simply a nuance that is commonly known in one area of the community and not in the other. The LGBTQIA community is both one and several after all and things don’t transfer over in terminology or necessity (and many other reasons.)
Through their initial conversations together, the two begin to interview friends and other members of the community to gain answers to varied amounts of questions that are relevant to many but may struggle on the where and the who to ask. I found the book to be one that is easy to engage with, and the way the interviews are relayed is informal and I liked how the person and setting is described so you as the reader could be sitting down with either Lotte or Stu as they talk.
You will learn all that you need to from the information they both bring to the book, whether it’s terminology for the types of lesbians or gay men there are out there or perhaps the ongoing issues with mental and emotional conflict many LGBTQIA members face between their place in their religion and who they are in regards to gender or sexual preference. As I say, there are many issues discussed and each is treated the same with the respect they deserve both to educate and be inclusive to all who pick up the book. We all have to begin somewhere when we begin our journey out of the closet so to speak (and sometimes when we step out again as many also do.)
I was particularly interested in the areas that cover being disabled and Queer in some form or another as that’s been as issue I’ve experienced in the last decade and how both media and the community welcome those who are disabled in one form or another, Members of the LGBTQIA community still don’t as a whole welcome and support disabled people and this, along with other books out there really highlight how far we have to go still.
This is an excellent read, and I am so glad to see books like this out there which will help a person feel they can further explore who and what they are, and also shed off some of the outdated stereotypes of certain aspects of being LGBTQIA.
Did Not Finish
April 19, 2026This isn't even 0 stars. This is negative stars. This is "I got this book for free as a gift and I feel like I've been overcharged." This is recycling material because no tree should have to be this.
I spent about an hour with Do Ask, Do Tell. I would like to never be aware of anything either author is ever doing again.
"What if they see this review?" Good, let them. I'd say it to them if I had the chance. But in reality, I don't think I'd want to be in the same space as either Lotte or Stu for any extended period of time to have that conversation.
Both authors come across like irritating home shopping network hosts and while Stu is a little better in his chapters, it's not by much. This is peak white people trying to show how educated and worldly they are without actually saying much at all.
I'd love to know what local bookshop this is that's absolutely bursting with lesbian literature. I'll be their number one customer.
Lotte's comment on pronouns on email signatures and her/their tongue in cheek 'Does that make me a terrible enby? A terrible ally?' But like, yeah it really does.
Also I was very confused about the reference in the introduction of the authors being both cis-gender but Lotte is using 'enby' here. Unless I have a deep misunderstanding of the definition of cis.
Here's the full email signature quote for those interested.
This is after previously saying the growth of different identity labels could be a good thing. Apparently not if it makes people have to add a new pronoun to their identity. It doesn't make you 'a terrible enby, a terrible ally', it just makes you kind of a bad person.
Stu's portion on what you should and shouldn't be asking trans people during their transition was quite frankly ridiculous. It boils down to: Do you ask cis people about their body? Their hormones? Their genitals?
Consequently I am baffled by the intended audience for this book.
The absolute last thing I will rant about that really set me off, and had me questioning who this book is for - because I'm not convinced it's for baby queers, or those looking to get a wider understanding of the queer world (but if you are please just go read literally anything else by someone in that label because this book is not it) - is the topic of sex in this book.
It starts by addressing the spectrum of asexuality, including grayace and demisexual. Awesome, cool, no issue there.
Later in the book we get.
Ending this same section with:
Tell me you don't value asexual identities without telling me you don't value asexual identities. Because we are in the queer umbrella, we are very present in the 'monogamous queer couple' identity. And we are completely ignored and erased from this particular discussion, which is wholly centred on allosexual queer couples.
Like I said, I spent an hour with this book and my take away points have been that literally anyone else could have written this and probably should have.
I spent about an hour with Do Ask, Do Tell. I would like to never be aware of anything either author is ever doing again.
"What if they see this review?" Good, let them. I'd say it to them if I had the chance. But in reality, I don't think I'd want to be in the same space as either Lotte or Stu for any extended period of time to have that conversation.
Both authors come across like irritating home shopping network hosts and while Stu is a little better in his chapters, it's not by much. This is peak white people trying to show how educated and worldly they are without actually saying much at all.
"Oh and you can't move for lesbian love stories in your local bookshop."
I'd love to know what local bookshop this is that's absolutely bursting with lesbian literature. I'll be their number one customer.
Lotte's comment on pronouns on email signatures and her/their tongue in cheek 'Does that make me a terrible enby? A terrible ally?' But like, yeah it really does.
Also I was very confused about the reference in the introduction of the authors being both cis-gender but Lotte is using 'enby' here. Unless I have a deep misunderstanding of the definition of cis.
Here's the full email signature quote for those interested.
I will say, though, that if your pronouns are E/Em/Eirs it might be a lot to ask of people to get this right and integrate it seamlessly into their vocabulary. With all the best will in the world, it's just a grammatical quagmire! Could we all just agree on they/them and shelve the zies and the xems for now? Does that make me a terrible enby? A terrible ally? Sorry. Maybe my dominant identity is grumpy elder millennial after all!
This is after previously saying the growth of different identity labels could be a good thing. Apparently not if it makes people have to add a new pronoun to their identity. It doesn't make you 'a terrible enby, a terrible ally', it just makes you kind of a bad person.
Stu's portion on what you should and shouldn't be asking trans people during their transition was quite frankly ridiculous. It boils down to: Do you ask cis people about their body? Their hormones? Their genitals?
Consequently I am baffled by the intended audience for this book.
The absolute last thing I will rant about that really set me off, and had me questioning who this book is for - because I'm not convinced it's for baby queers, or those looking to get a wider understanding of the queer world (but if you are please just go read literally anything else by someone in that label because this book is not it) - is the topic of sex in this book.
It starts by addressing the spectrum of asexuality, including grayace and demisexual. Awesome, cool, no issue there.
Later in the book we get.
Can monogamous queer couples still have great sex?
In my efforts to understand if it's true that queer people are more sexual I've gone deep, so to speak, with the idea that we are.
Ending this same section with:
So what is the answer? Do queer people have more sex? I think it's more that we value sex. We centre it, and as something that may have previously caused us shame, we are very good at finding the joy in it now. Whether that means saunas and sex clubs or snatched snogs when the kids aren't looking, there's no hierarchy. Anonymous sex isn't bad, monogamous sex good. Sex workers can be empowered and happy, while others, of course, may still be exploited. Grindr can be sweet and fulfilling sometimes, harsh and soulless at others. Maybe we are more sexual than straights, and that's ok. We shouldn't have to deny this side of ourselves to be accepted.
Tell me you don't value asexual identities without telling me you don't value asexual identities. Because we are in the queer umbrella, we are very present in the 'monogamous queer couple' identity. And we are completely ignored and erased from this particular discussion, which is wholly centred on allosexual queer couples.
Like I said, I spent an hour with this book and my take away points have been that literally anyone else could have written this and probably should have.
July 21, 2025
This is the best book i have read on LGBTQIA+ issues. I loved how it was so validating of any identity even as it tackled many issues within the LGBTQIA+ community. The authors and interviewees are relatable and the tone is fun. It helped me get curious and explore. I'm glad they didn't skip any parts of the queer experience. I love the emphasis on unity in difference and subversion. This book gave me a lit to think about.
Some quotes:
"Queer is the horizon and never the shore"
"We are constantly seeking, travelling, becoming. We don't need to arrive"
"Am i nonbinary or have i just not found a performance of womanhood that suits me?"
"We are all queered by life.""if we are all queered by life than us queers surely know how to live"
"I dont need permission to think of myself differently. I don't need to prove myself. I can quietly evolve into my selfhood"
I recommend this to any queer person and any non-queer that wants to know more about the community.
Some quotes:
"Queer is the horizon and never the shore"
"We are constantly seeking, travelling, becoming. We don't need to arrive"
"Am i nonbinary or have i just not found a performance of womanhood that suits me?"
"We are all queered by life.""if we are all queered by life than us queers surely know how to live"
"I dont need permission to think of myself differently. I don't need to prove myself. I can quietly evolve into my selfhood"
I recommend this to any queer person and any non-queer that wants to know more about the community.
June 8, 2025
‘Queerness is always the horizon, never the shore.’ To me this means we are constantly seeking, travelling, becoming. We move. We don’t need to arrive. That for me has been hugely freeing in my own thinking and understanding of myself as queer.
this book was such a fun informative wild ride into queerness with some very insightful takes that were mind-opening but again as a chronically online queer I kinda of felt it was a bit basic with a lot of notions that I was already aware of. could be a great read for a baby gay!
April 19, 2026
Tried reading it, but I was so appalled at the terrible advice, erasure, and self-centered attitude of the authors that I encouraged the friend who shared it to recycle the book. This professed attempt at knowledge sharing is largely just the authors, as one other reviewer put it, “want[ing] to show off that they’re worldly.” (The authors also seem to have some unexamined biases about certain queer identities that they should work on. Privately.)
Although there is an early bit on “Checking Our Privilege” the authors never actually seem to apply the idea to themselves, as throughout the book they center their own perspectives, identities, experiences—which they assume the reader shares. I don’t know who this book is meant to be for, aside from the authors themselves. Not only is it not for me, I wouldn’t give it to anyone I know, regardless of their identity or sexuality.
BTW: On what’s appropriate to ask a trans person, presumably directed to cis people, since the authors completely miss the mark here:
Remember that trans people are not unpaid educators eagerly awaiting your questions on trans bodies, lives, etc.
In general, *don’t ask people about their genitals* unless you’re their healthcare provider or are discussing sex you’re going to (consensually) have with them. Trans people have enough to deal with.
You can: Read books written by trans authors, asexual/demi/greysexual authors, disabled queer authors, by intersex authors, etc (not those who are trying to speak for us/them).
You can: pay attention to how the government and society are treating trans, intersex, and gender nonconforming people, and see what trans/intersex/GNC people are advocating for, and join their efforts when they want help.
Although there is an early bit on “Checking Our Privilege” the authors never actually seem to apply the idea to themselves, as throughout the book they center their own perspectives, identities, experiences—which they assume the reader shares. I don’t know who this book is meant to be for, aside from the authors themselves. Not only is it not for me, I wouldn’t give it to anyone I know, regardless of their identity or sexuality.
BTW: On what’s appropriate to ask a trans person, presumably directed to cis people, since the authors completely miss the mark here:
Remember that trans people are not unpaid educators eagerly awaiting your questions on trans bodies, lives, etc.
In general, *don’t ask people about their genitals* unless you’re their healthcare provider or are discussing sex you’re going to (consensually) have with them. Trans people have enough to deal with.
You can: Read books written by trans authors, asexual/demi/greysexual authors, disabled queer authors, by intersex authors, etc (not those who are trying to speak for us/them).
You can: pay attention to how the government and society are treating trans, intersex, and gender nonconforming people, and see what trans/intersex/GNC people are advocating for, and join their efforts when they want help.
July 19, 2025
I found this book thoughtful, informative and honest. It explores a wide range of topics across queer life, including gender, sexuality, religion, ageing, nightlife and relationships, blending personal stories with reflections.
At times I found it a bit unclear which author was speaking, which made some sections slightly harder to follow. But the overall it encourages curiosity without trying to offer all the answers.
It acknowledges that there’s no single queer experience and encourages you to reflect, learn and listen. A useful and accessible read whether you’re part of the lgbtqi+ community or looking to better understand it.
At times I found it a bit unclear which author was speaking, which made some sections slightly harder to follow. But the overall it encourages curiosity without trying to offer all the answers.
It acknowledges that there’s no single queer experience and encourages you to reflect, learn and listen. A useful and accessible read whether you’re part of the lgbtqi+ community or looking to better understand it.
September 10, 2025
The writers weren't very likeable (annoying), but the content was interesting.
Given the title, I didn't it's UK-based, because obviously don't ask, don't tell was a US military thing in the 1990s. That was fine, but sort of reframed expectations for the book.
It's an interesting intro to queer culture from two white cis people who want to show off that they're smart and worldly, especially Lotte. The other one is more Pete Buttigieg gay. Some of their definitions of things are a little wonky, so don't believe everything you read.
I think the best thing I got out of it was learning that Hebden Bridge is a real place.
Overall, it has an audience, but I may not be it.
Given the title, I didn't it's UK-based, because obviously don't ask, don't tell was a US military thing in the 1990s. That was fine, but sort of reframed expectations for the book.
It's an interesting intro to queer culture from two white cis people who want to show off that they're smart and worldly, especially Lotte. The other one is more Pete Buttigieg gay. Some of their definitions of things are a little wonky, so don't believe everything you read.
I think the best thing I got out of it was learning that Hebden Bridge is a real place.
Overall, it has an audience, but I may not be it.
July 3, 2025
Brilliant. Topics everyone can benefit from finding out more about
August 21, 2025
loved it. audiobook could have done with a couple more voices to read quotes as it was easy to forget who was speaking.
August 3, 2025
*proof copy*
there’s something in here for everyone to read about, explore, and learn from. i’d recommend this to literally everybody!
there’s something in here for everyone to read about, explore, and learn from. i’d recommend this to literally everybody!
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews