Do Ask, Do Tell: Queer Life, Love and Culture Laid Bare

by Lotte Jeffs, Stuart Oakley

'Bursting with empathy, understanding and humour. A crucial book for our community and allies.' Suzi Ruffell

What is a black cat lesbian? Is ‘aromantic’ a sexuality or a preference? How are bisexual and pansexual different? What’s it like to be queer and religious? Does Gen Z do darkrooms? How do you navigate life as a OAQ (Old Age Queer)? What does trans euphoria feel like? Why is nightlife so central to the community? What is camp today?

As queer people themselves, authors Lotte Jeffs and Stu Oakley knew they didn’t have all the answers, because their individual experience represents a single pixel of the rainbow. Do Ask, Do Tell is an unapologetically curious journey through the dazzling spectrum of queer life that will give people – queer, straight, cis and everything in-between – the confidence to say 'I don’t know'.

With humor, warmth, and radically open minds, Stu and Lotte tackle the questions you may have avoided asking for fear of getting it wrong. Covering everything from ageing to open relationships, darkrooms to Drag Kings, camp to carabinas, as well as the intricacies of gender and sexuality.

This insightful and provocative exploration challenges assumptions, shatters taboos, and opens up the conversation. Whether you’re seeking clarity for your cis straight self or deeper insight as a member of the community, this book is your guide to better understanding and celebrating the richness of queer life.

Genres: Nonfiction, LGBT, Queer

262 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 29, 2025

Reviews

[Bee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Do Ask Do Tell: Queer Life, Love and Culture Laid Bare by Lotte Jeffs and Stu Oakley is a book that is very much one that does exactly what it says on the cover.

Lotte and Stuart are both members of the LGBTQIA community who realised after time out together, that there is still so much of the community both they and others may not know about. Whether it be generational things or simply a nuance that is commonly known in one area of the community and not in the other. The LGBTQIA community is both one and several after all and things don’t transfer over in terminology or necessity (and many other reasons.)

Through their initial conversations together, the two begin to interview friends and other members of the community to gain answers to varied amounts of questions that are relevant to many but may struggle on the where and the who to ask. I found the book to be one that is easy to engage with, and the way the interviews are relayed is informal and I liked how the person and setting is described so you as the reader could be sitting down with either Lotte or Stu as they talk.

You will learn all that you need to from the information they both bring to the book, whether it’s terminology for the types of lesbians or gay men there are out there or perhaps the ongoing issues with mental and emotional conflict many LGBTQIA members face between their place in their religion and who they are in regards to gender or sexual preference. As I say, there are many issues discussed and each is treated the same with the respect they deserve both to educate and be inclusive to all who pick up the book. We all have to begin somewhere when we begin our journey out of the closet so to speak (and sometimes when we step out again as many also do.)

I was particularly interested in the areas that cover being disabled and Queer in some form or another as that’s been as issue I’ve experienced in the last decade and how both media and the community welcome those who are disabled in one form or another, Members of the LGBTQIA community still don’t as a whole welcome and support disabled people and this, along with other books out there really highlight how far we have to go still.

This is an excellent read, and I am so glad to see books like this out there which will help a person feel they can further explore who and what they are, and also shed off some of the outdated stereotypes of certain aspects of being LGBTQIA.

[Ingrid · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book i have read on LGBTQIA+ issues. I loved how it was so validating of any identity even as it tackled many issues within the LGBTQIA+ community. The authors and interviewees are relatable and the tone is fun. It helped me get curious and explore. I'm glad they didn't skip any parts of the queer experience. I love the emphasis on unity in difference and subversion. This book gave me a lit to think about.

Some quotes:
"Queer is the horizon and never the shore"
"We are constantly seeking, travelling, becoming. We don't need to arrive"
"Am i nonbinary or have i just not found a performance of womanhood that suits me?"
"We are all queered by life.""if we are all queered by life than us queers surely know how to live"
"I dont need permission to think of myself differently. I don't need to prove myself. I can quietly evolve into my selfhood"

I recommend this to any queer person and any non-queer that wants to know more about the community.

[may · Rating 3 out of 5]

‘Queerness is always the horizon, never the shore.’ To me this means we are constantly seeking, travelling, becoming. We move. We don’t need to arrive. That for me has been hugely freeing in my own thinking and understanding of myself as queer.

this book was such a fun informative wild ride into queerness with some very insightful takes that were mind-opening but again as a chronically online queer I kinda of felt it was a bit basic with a lot of notions that I was already aware of. could be a great read for a baby gay!

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book thoughtful, informative and honest. It explores a wide range of topics across queer life, including gender, sexuality, religion, ageing, nightlife and relationships, blending personal stories with reflections.

At times I found it a bit unclear which author was speaking, which made some sections slightly harder to follow. But the overall it encourages curiosity without trying to offer all the answers.

It acknowledges that there’s no single queer experience and encourages you to reflect, learn and listen. A useful and accessible read whether you’re part of the lgbtqi+ community or looking to better understand it.

[James · Rating 4 out of 5]

The writers weren't very likeable (annoying), but the content was interesting.

Given the title, I didn't it's UK-based, because obviously don't ask, don't tell was a US military thing in the 1990s. That was fine, but sort of reframed expectations for the book.

It's an interesting intro to queer culture from two white cis people who want to show off that they're smart and worldly, especially Lotte. The other one is more Pete Buttigieg gay. Some of their definitions of things are a little wonky, so don't believe everything you read.

I think the best thing I got out of it was learning that Hebden Bridge is a real place.

Overall, it has an audience, but I may not be it.

[Georgie B · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brilliant. Topics everyone can benefit from finding out more about

[Kim Ashworth · Rating 5 out of 5]

loved it. audiobook could have done with a couple more voices to read quotes as it was easy to forget who was speaking.

[Katie Lawlor · Rating 5 out of 5]

*proof copy*

there’s something in here for everyone to read about, explore, and learn from. i’d recommend this to literally everybody!