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How to Live #2
Hoe we breken: Omgaan met tegenslagen in het leven
‘Dit is geen boek over psychische aandoeningen. Dit is een boek over jou en mij en wat er gebeurt als we over onze grenzen worden geduwd.’ – Vincent Deary
Tegenslagen horen bij het leven. Maar wanneer er te veel dingen tegelijk misgaan, of we te maken krijgen met langdurige perioden van moeilijkheden of onzekerheid, breken we. De wereld krimpt tot niets anders dan onze dagelijkse bezigheden, we worden ongelukkig en raken uitgeput. De regulerende mechanismen die ons helpen door het leven te bewegen, raken zozeer belast dat ze haperen en het bijna begeven.
Gelukkig zijn we ook gemaakt om te beven, om de turbulentie van het leven aan te kunnen. Vaak is verandering de manier om hiermee om te gaan. Terwijl we ons aanpassen, schudden onze systemen op hun grondvesten. Dat kost energie en vraagt bewuste aandacht en zorg.
Door een beter begrip te krijgen van wat er met ons gebeurt als we voor moeilijke situaties staan, strategieën te geven om daarmee om te gaan, en een stevig pleidooi te houden voor de kracht van rust en herstel, helpt Vincent Deary ons een pad uit te stippelen om door moeilijke tijden te navigeren.
Tegenslagen horen bij het leven. Maar wanneer er te veel dingen tegelijk misgaan, of we te maken krijgen met langdurige perioden van moeilijkheden of onzekerheid, breken we. De wereld krimpt tot niets anders dan onze dagelijkse bezigheden, we worden ongelukkig en raken uitgeput. De regulerende mechanismen die ons helpen door het leven te bewegen, raken zozeer belast dat ze haperen en het bijna begeven.
Gelukkig zijn we ook gemaakt om te beven, om de turbulentie van het leven aan te kunnen. Vaak is verandering de manier om hiermee om te gaan. Terwijl we ons aanpassen, schudden onze systemen op hun grondvesten. Dat kost energie en vraagt bewuste aandacht en zorg.
Door een beter begrip te krijgen van wat er met ons gebeurt als we voor moeilijke situaties staan, strategieën te geven om daarmee om te gaan, en een stevig pleidooi te houden voor de kracht van rust en herstel, helpt Vincent Deary ons een pad uit te stippelen om door moeilijke tijden te navigeren.
320 pages, Paperback
Published November 18, 2024
83 people are currently reading
2709 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 32 reviews
July 15, 2024
Vincent Deary describes himself as neurotic. He's also professor of applied health psychology at Northumbria University researching fresh interventions for, amongst others, cancer survivors and fear of falling in older adults. He also works as a clinician at UK's first trans-diagnostic Fatigue Clinic. Well credentialled then to draw from his own experiences as well as multiple other sources for his compassionate and insightful book 'How We Break' which offers an illustrative account of how many of us 'tremble and break'. And goes on to explore how we can be alert to our unique signs of trembling so we don't break, as well as how to emerge if we do.
Deary makes the point that it's not always the big trauma stuff in life (a cancer diagnosis, a marriage breakdown, the death of a close friend) that causes us to falter but often a series of little t's that pile on top of each other until, to mix metaphors, there's a final straw breaking the camel's back.
Of course, he admits, there are some who ride the ups and downs of life with seeming ease but there are others - capable, driven, dedicated - who seem to have life sorted until suddenly - and unexpectedly to themselves and others - they break. And then there are life's worriers.....and Deary is one.
Comfortingly (for many readers) Deary argues that some of us are 'inscribed' very early on with a tendency to be anxious, stressed, even fearful worriers: perhaps due to pre-partum conditions we might be 'born trembling', then there's the family 'weather' or feeling and being different and attracting the attention of bullies and having a sense of not belonging. Such folk, like Deary himself, are more likely to build up and carry what he terms an allostatic load ('when the wear and tear of of navigating life' becomes too much) and a tendency to break more easily than others. As illustration, Deary describes his own uneasy childhood (About the misfit group he belonged to as a schoolboy: 'I remember either entertaining them, charming them, or making them feel ok. This was a set of skills I had learned to use to survive home'). And more recently in an interview with Radio NZ National's fellow-Scot Susie Ferguson, Deary also tells of being diagnosed with a post-Covid viral condition resulting in a year of breakdown and recovery (fortunately it was his sabbatical year). Seeing the irony and humour, he ruefully quoted, 'Physician, heal thyself'.
A different example is the case of Anne (actually a composite of several of his patients as is Sami), a driven, hard working, resourceful, empathetic worker. Always ON. Things started to go badly when a new boss instituted a regime of 'continuous improvement', unsurprisingly with a cut back on support staff. Anne was experiencing what Deary terms 'the ambient hum of menace'. The final straw was the insulting offer of resiliency training when, as she came to realise, it was the system that was broke not her. It's an example that NZ (and probably elsewhere) readers are all too familiar with - continual underfunding in all key essential areas, the expectation to work 'smarter' (do more for less). Cue: an almost biblical exodus of nurses for the promise of a better life in Australia.
Rather than being a complete disaster for 'Anne' Deary details how she was encouraged compassionately to reflect on her life and values and the disconnect between those and the expectations of the job. Deary shows how, with empathetic counseling, a new person or new sense of self can emerge from the ashes of a breakdown, how a person can learn compassion for themselves, create a new story about themselves without relinquishing their core self and values.
The notion of ON ness and OFF ness is key to recognising what's fuelling an individual's allostatic load and the importance of pressing the off button, identifying the things that define a person's off ness in order to revitalise, refill the batteries in order to find a renewed stability/calm.
In 'How We Break' (a sequel to 'How We Live' but can be read separately and a third book is planned) Deary calls upon both his own research and that of others together with a rich and a refreshingly eclectic range of knowledge and wisdom - ancient and modern - for the formulation of his ideas and thinking: from a line from 'Dune' ('There was no mercy where there could be no stopping') to biblical text ('He feeds on ashes; a deluded mind has led him astray, and he cannot save himself or say, "is not this thing in my right hand a fraud?"), from Buddhist and Taoist traditions to Hilary Mantel ('Beneath every history, another history') from Terry Pratchett ('People think that stories are shaped by people. In fact, it's the other way around') to Tarot cards.... you get the idea. It makes for lively reading and sheds further light into the writer and his interests.
Structurally 'How We Break' is divided into 2 parts; Trembling and Breaking (and rebuilding). Each part is bookended by a summary of points to be discussed and then questions for the reader to ponder on their own life, a sort of self-therapy check-in. There's no index (why not?) and it doesn't fall into the easy-to-read self help book category nor is it steeped in too much academia- talk but it does require a certain amount of worthwhile attention and application.
'How We Break' reflects its author: it is a compassionate and generally hopeful book (though he does concede that a few individuals become so mired in their angst that recovery isn't viewed as a possibility). Deary's book gives us permission to be who we are (neurotic, anxious or high functioning but unconsciously overloaded), stresses the need to be kind to ourselves, to recognise what makes us tremble and being aware of what triggers, for us, our allostatic load so we can catch ourselves before we fall. And a fall/break isn't necessarily the end but can promise new beginning, a tweaked, more intact, easeful personal story. 5 stars
Deary makes the point that it's not always the big trauma stuff in life (a cancer diagnosis, a marriage breakdown, the death of a close friend) that causes us to falter but often a series of little t's that pile on top of each other until, to mix metaphors, there's a final straw breaking the camel's back.
Of course, he admits, there are some who ride the ups and downs of life with seeming ease but there are others - capable, driven, dedicated - who seem to have life sorted until suddenly - and unexpectedly to themselves and others - they break. And then there are life's worriers.....and Deary is one.
Comfortingly (for many readers) Deary argues that some of us are 'inscribed' very early on with a tendency to be anxious, stressed, even fearful worriers: perhaps due to pre-partum conditions we might be 'born trembling', then there's the family 'weather' or feeling and being different and attracting the attention of bullies and having a sense of not belonging. Such folk, like Deary himself, are more likely to build up and carry what he terms an allostatic load ('when the wear and tear of of navigating life' becomes too much) and a tendency to break more easily than others. As illustration, Deary describes his own uneasy childhood (About the misfit group he belonged to as a schoolboy: 'I remember either entertaining them, charming them, or making them feel ok. This was a set of skills I had learned to use to survive home'). And more recently in an interview with Radio NZ National's fellow-Scot Susie Ferguson, Deary also tells of being diagnosed with a post-Covid viral condition resulting in a year of breakdown and recovery (fortunately it was his sabbatical year). Seeing the irony and humour, he ruefully quoted, 'Physician, heal thyself'.
A different example is the case of Anne (actually a composite of several of his patients as is Sami), a driven, hard working, resourceful, empathetic worker. Always ON. Things started to go badly when a new boss instituted a regime of 'continuous improvement', unsurprisingly with a cut back on support staff. Anne was experiencing what Deary terms 'the ambient hum of menace'. The final straw was the insulting offer of resiliency training when, as she came to realise, it was the system that was broke not her. It's an example that NZ (and probably elsewhere) readers are all too familiar with - continual underfunding in all key essential areas, the expectation to work 'smarter' (do more for less). Cue: an almost biblical exodus of nurses for the promise of a better life in Australia.
Rather than being a complete disaster for 'Anne' Deary details how she was encouraged compassionately to reflect on her life and values and the disconnect between those and the expectations of the job. Deary shows how, with empathetic counseling, a new person or new sense of self can emerge from the ashes of a breakdown, how a person can learn compassion for themselves, create a new story about themselves without relinquishing their core self and values.
The notion of ON ness and OFF ness is key to recognising what's fuelling an individual's allostatic load and the importance of pressing the off button, identifying the things that define a person's off ness in order to revitalise, refill the batteries in order to find a renewed stability/calm.
In 'How We Break' (a sequel to 'How We Live' but can be read separately and a third book is planned) Deary calls upon both his own research and that of others together with a rich and a refreshingly eclectic range of knowledge and wisdom - ancient and modern - for the formulation of his ideas and thinking: from a line from 'Dune' ('There was no mercy where there could be no stopping') to biblical text ('He feeds on ashes; a deluded mind has led him astray, and he cannot save himself or say, "is not this thing in my right hand a fraud?"), from Buddhist and Taoist traditions to Hilary Mantel ('Beneath every history, another history') from Terry Pratchett ('People think that stories are shaped by people. In fact, it's the other way around') to Tarot cards.... you get the idea. It makes for lively reading and sheds further light into the writer and his interests.
Structurally 'How We Break' is divided into 2 parts; Trembling and Breaking (and rebuilding). Each part is bookended by a summary of points to be discussed and then questions for the reader to ponder on their own life, a sort of self-therapy check-in. There's no index (why not?) and it doesn't fall into the easy-to-read self help book category nor is it steeped in too much academia- talk but it does require a certain amount of worthwhile attention and application.
'How We Break' reflects its author: it is a compassionate and generally hopeful book (though he does concede that a few individuals become so mired in their angst that recovery isn't viewed as a possibility). Deary's book gives us permission to be who we are (neurotic, anxious or high functioning but unconsciously overloaded), stresses the need to be kind to ourselves, to recognise what makes us tremble and being aware of what triggers, for us, our allostatic load so we can catch ourselves before we fall. And a fall/break isn't necessarily the end but can promise new beginning, a tweaked, more intact, easeful personal story. 5 stars
April 24, 2024
What a beautiful book.
I didn't know it was possible for a non-fiction book to move me like this.
Professor Dreary writes with a profound understanding of the complexities of the human experience, while his tone radiates with unyielding kindness and compassion for the people depicted in this book. Somehow, this book is filled with an immense amount of information and yet, it never tired me. His beautiful storytelling took me on a journey, and I'm honestly not sure if I learned more or felt more.
I didn't know it was possible for a non-fiction book to move me like this.
Professor Dreary writes with a profound understanding of the complexities of the human experience, while his tone radiates with unyielding kindness and compassion for the people depicted in this book. Somehow, this book is filled with an immense amount of information and yet, it never tired me. His beautiful storytelling took me on a journey, and I'm honestly not sure if I learned more or felt more.
January 11, 2026
❤️ Het bijzondere aan Hoe we breken van Vincent Deary is de mooie mix van psychologie, filosofie, verhalen van personen die Deary trof in de kliniek, en zijn persoonlijke ervaringen (waarbij hij zichzelf niet spaart) en ervaringen van de mensen om hem heen (familie, vrienden, geliefden). Juist door deze persoonlijke touch trof hij me recht in mijn hart. Het boek is zo raak en inspirerend, ook door de uiteenlopende verwijzingen naar literatuur, muziek, religie en film (van tarot tot Proust en van True Detective tot Kate Bush). Ik denk dat veel mensen iets aan dit boek kunnen hebben. Het zet aan tot denken en doen. Bovenal is het echt prachtig geschreven. Ik kan dus eigenlijk niet wachten tot het 3e deel van deze trilogie uitkomt!
December 26, 2024
Lots of food for thought and captures/empathsizes with the experiences of those with chronic illnesses particularly well. That said, it was a bit heavy on the anecdotal stories and could’ve benefitted from a heavier edit/more cuts. I found myself relating to a lot and finding words to describe my own experiences but not walking away with very clear insights or takeaways. Maybe it’s just because I got impatient at the end and skipped over some pages, oops.
July 13, 2025
The best book I've read to date about stress, its roots and sequelae. Also one of the most beautiful books I've read. It reads like poetry in parts and he blends deeply personal memoir with current science, philosophy and psychology seemingly without effort. It's a book that attempts (and I think succeeds) to understand human fragility with compassion, recognising that people "tremble and break" in very individual ways and offering, not self help, ten step improvement guides, but a way of accepting who each of us are and a chance for informed self-reflection.
I cannot recommend higly enough.
I cannot recommend higly enough.
December 18, 2024
Parts of this book are insightful and exactly what I hoped to learn. Then, other parts seemed tangential at best or unnecessary opining and waxing philosophically about irrelevant topics. I recommend reading if interested in the topic but be prepared to oscillate between deep digestion and swift skimming.
June 12, 2024
A bit drawn out. Might have been better as an article in a magazine. Some interesting concepts but seem to be repeated. I found it difficult to finish the book.
September 20, 2024
This one took me so long to read because I did not connect with it. I finished it in the hope that the end would bring everything together for me, but I still didn't unfortunately.
January 22, 2025
There's a bit too much of the cult of fragility here for me, but How We Break is beautifully written, often moving, and probably a useful corrective to leaning too far into resilience.
May 28, 2025
I studied Neuroscience in undergrad as one of my majors and this book reminded me of the common refrain in several of my classes: "it's not nature vs nurture, it's both" as well as the frequent reminder of needing to be holistic when considering a person's behavior and emotion. With that said, I really appreciated his integration of body and mind in understanding stress, trauma, and our breaking points. His assessment at the end of the book is a useful reflection tool to consider the load you carry at a baseline level and your day to day. I also found this assessment to be a good review and helped tie everything together that you read and may have forgotten as you read this book. His concepts of things like "how big your world is" and other concepts were quite useful ways to think about what are referred to as "protective factors" and "risk factors". Deary writes in a down to earth manner that I would say makes the research and concepts accessible to people not as familiar with psychology or neuroscience at an academic level.
That being said, sometimes the chapters felt a little long and had a few moments that drifted longer into monologue than I thought was necessary, but overall it was not a bad read. Compared to his first book, this is a much more refined and polished book. It is clear that Deary has matured as a writer in the ten years between writing How We Are and How We Break. Deary has his own style of writing that is not quite memoir, not quite self-help, and not quite academic that may be a little more unusual if you're used to reading one of these genres. But I welcome this more unique form of writing.
In case you are wondering, it is definitely not necessary to read How We Are before you read How We Break. Deary does mention this in the introduction of How We Break and as someone who has read both, I can confirm that this is actually the case. He covers the concepts from How We Are in this book as they come up with just the right amount of information necessary to understand what he is talking about and referring to.
That being said, sometimes the chapters felt a little long and had a few moments that drifted longer into monologue than I thought was necessary, but overall it was not a bad read. Compared to his first book, this is a much more refined and polished book. It is clear that Deary has matured as a writer in the ten years between writing How We Are and How We Break. Deary has his own style of writing that is not quite memoir, not quite self-help, and not quite academic that may be a little more unusual if you're used to reading one of these genres. But I welcome this more unique form of writing.
In case you are wondering, it is definitely not necessary to read How We Are before you read How We Break. Deary does mention this in the introduction of How We Break and as someone who has read both, I can confirm that this is actually the case. He covers the concepts from How We Are in this book as they come up with just the right amount of information necessary to understand what he is talking about and referring to.
September 21, 2024
In the course of my life I've tried various therapies. Some may have helped.
Psychotherapy - well how much time have you got? . . . It never ends.
CBT was wasted on me. It all seemed too straightforward, too simple. Just . . . change!
Over many years, anxiety, depression, fear and continual morbid rumination had become entrenched habits and my world grew smaller and smaller. Deary understands this pattern well.
God bless his mother Isobelle, whose suffering he describes as only a loving son can.
He focuses on ACT -- Acceptance and Committment Therapy.
Now acceptance - what a lovely word - seems to be the key to pretty much everything in life.
Deary is unafraid to reveal his own humanity.
His personal and professional stories added to the picture of how human beings unravel.
As I read I became increasingly aware of the way my own thoughts, the committee in my own head
sabotages me. And how I can switch them off. This is a huge learning for me!
I highly recommend this book to anyone who - despite outward appearances - is tired all the time.
I'm really looking forward to his third book in this How To Live series.
Deary refers to The Happiness Trap: Stop Struggling, Start Living by Dr. Russ Harris.
That is also an excellent read.
Psychotherapy - well how much time have you got? . . . It never ends.
CBT was wasted on me. It all seemed too straightforward, too simple. Just . . . change!
Over many years, anxiety, depression, fear and continual morbid rumination had become entrenched habits and my world grew smaller and smaller. Deary understands this pattern well.
God bless his mother Isobelle, whose suffering he describes as only a loving son can.
He focuses on ACT -- Acceptance and Committment Therapy.
Now acceptance - what a lovely word - seems to be the key to pretty much everything in life.
Deary is unafraid to reveal his own humanity.
His personal and professional stories added to the picture of how human beings unravel.
As I read I became increasingly aware of the way my own thoughts, the committee in my own head
sabotages me. And how I can switch them off. This is a huge learning for me!
I highly recommend this book to anyone who - despite outward appearances - is tired all the time.
I'm really looking forward to his third book in this How To Live series.
Deary refers to The Happiness Trap: Stop Struggling, Start Living by Dr. Russ Harris.
That is also an excellent read.
June 13, 2024
I feel a little conflicted about this book.
I think it’s a good partner read to The Body Keeps The Score. There is a decent amount of crossover between the two books.
This one leans a lot more heavily on personal anecdotes and philosophy, though. I can see how that would appeal to some, but I think it’s the reason I found this book to be less readable. Like, it all makes sense, but I wouldn’t say philosophy is one of my favorite things, so it loses me a bit in terms of interest.
As someone who deals with anxiety and depression, the book definitely still resonates. Spending your life attempting to explain or outsmart your fatigue is so insanely exhausting in its own right, seeing a book that validates it feels like such a breakthrough.
I liked the little metric section at the end where you can calculate your own score for how the world feels and how you manage it, and the reminders to rest seem so obvious but like, thank you for real I did need that to be repeated for me.
Overall it’s not a bad book. I think I just toe the line of being the wrong audience to truly love it (in that I steer away from self help and anything that remotely resembles it).
I think it’s a good partner read to The Body Keeps The Score. There is a decent amount of crossover between the two books.
This one leans a lot more heavily on personal anecdotes and philosophy, though. I can see how that would appeal to some, but I think it’s the reason I found this book to be less readable. Like, it all makes sense, but I wouldn’t say philosophy is one of my favorite things, so it loses me a bit in terms of interest.
As someone who deals with anxiety and depression, the book definitely still resonates. Spending your life attempting to explain or outsmart your fatigue is so insanely exhausting in its own right, seeing a book that validates it feels like such a breakthrough.
I liked the little metric section at the end where you can calculate your own score for how the world feels and how you manage it, and the reminders to rest seem so obvious but like, thank you for real I did need that to be repeated for me.
Overall it’s not a bad book. I think I just toe the line of being the wrong audience to truly love it (in that I steer away from self help and anything that remotely resembles it).
December 11, 2023
This is a book about trauma and the real negative psychological and physical effects it can have on all of us. However, this is also a book about hope and how we can reignite this hope through trauma recovery.
I did find it overly religious at times which seemed to alienate those that do not subscribe to the author's religious views
* Trigger warning: there were times when this book can feel overwhelming for trauma survivors, as it asks questions that are triggering.*
All in all, I enjoyed reading the stories in this book. There were relatable stories of life's difficulties and the human ability for recovery.
Thank you to NetGalley and Farrar, Straus and Giroux for this ARC!
I did find it overly religious at times which seemed to alienate those that do not subscribe to the author's religious views
* Trigger warning: there were times when this book can feel overwhelming for trauma survivors, as it asks questions that are triggering.*
All in all, I enjoyed reading the stories in this book. There were relatable stories of life's difficulties and the human ability for recovery.
Thank you to NetGalley and Farrar, Straus and Giroux for this ARC!
October 17, 2025
Since this is a book about feelings and souls clashing with the external struggles which constitute life, let me express what is just my personal feeling .
I listened to the audiobook in a bit of a tricky moment with insomnia and exhaustion (not the worst but still …) and this book just contributed to my low mood.
His voice, I found boring and, at times, depressing . The book is too long and dwell a lot in details that make the point unclear and the experience tiring rather than engaging .
I am sure he is an expert and very empathetic person but this book just didn’t get to me the way I wanted , and I struggled reaching the end.
Maybe I will read the other two but not now …. Not now
I listened to the audiobook in a bit of a tricky moment with insomnia and exhaustion (not the worst but still …) and this book just contributed to my low mood.
His voice, I found boring and, at times, depressing . The book is too long and dwell a lot in details that make the point unclear and the experience tiring rather than engaging .
I am sure he is an expert and very empathetic person but this book just didn’t get to me the way I wanted , and I struggled reaching the end.
Maybe I will read the other two but not now …. Not now
January 17, 2024
I was provided an advanced copy of this book by NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.
Vincent Deary's "How We Break: Navigating the Wear and Tear of Living" is a contemplative exploration of the human experience. With a blend of psychology and personal anecdotes, Deary delves into life's challenges, encouraging readers to embrace the complexities and find resilience in the face of adversity. While the introspective nature may be heavy for some, the book stands out as a valuable resource for those seeking a nuanced understanding of the wear and tear that accompanies living.
Vincent Deary's "How We Break: Navigating the Wear and Tear of Living" is a contemplative exploration of the human experience. With a blend of psychology and personal anecdotes, Deary delves into life's challenges, encouraging readers to embrace the complexities and find resilience in the face of adversity. While the introspective nature may be heavy for some, the book stands out as a valuable resource for those seeking a nuanced understanding of the wear and tear that accompanies living.
June 18, 2024
My rating for this book lies somewhere between a four and five. There is an abundance of important and interesting information on how our background and our challenges in life contribute to a breaking point. Well-placed, interesting anecdotes illustrate salient points. Sometimes the information gets very scientific and makes for heavy, difficult reading --even for me in spite of my inclination to like adacemic writing. The problem, paradoxically speaking is that the author does both so well that the book has two separate tones. The author's narration in the audiobook is superb.
September 18, 2024
This book does an excellent job of balancing the systemic and the individual in discussing how we break. It goes deep into the physiological processes that occur when we experience hardship but also talks about macroscopic effects like culture and ancestry. The author often asks questions to encourage the reader to reflect on their own situation and apply concepts from the book. I don't know how helpful it would be if in serious distress but I appreciate its perspective and plan to use some of the concepts myself as well as teach them to my children.
October 22, 2024
For someone interested in human connection and behaviour, this book is the right choice to pick and read. Beyond just a narrative of how humans as a species behave, Vincent Deary adopts an approach that includes case studies, critical evaluation of his observations, and his understanding of different schools of psychology and philosophy.
The knockout message of the book is that we have a limited potential to deal with the complexities life presents us with. If you have gone through the unpredictable strifes of life, this book is for you.
The knockout message of the book is that we have a limited potential to deal with the complexities life presents us with. If you have gone through the unpredictable strifes of life, this book is for you.
April 22, 2025
As another person has mentioned, this book could have been condensed massively. I wanted to love this book but this felt like a word-salad fuelled tangent. Had to put the book down to contemplate whether or not to continue twice. Got to chapter 6 and had to tap out. This had periods of clarity that describe basic psychological concepts, but most of this was unbearable to read. Author comes off as if he has something to prove by using a thesaurus to prove he’s intelligent.
Example: “We never didn’t see her creative passion.” Not kidding.
Example: “We never didn’t see her creative passion.” Not kidding.
April 27, 2025
I wasn’t sure what to expect when I picked this book up but, I have to say, it’s been a joy to engage with the ideas. I learnt a lot about therapy and how it works as well as our brains, lived experiences, memories and patterns of living. I read it because I was wondering if I was breaking and, reading the book helped me immeasurably. It’s definitely got wisdom and I have recommended it to many people since I started reading it. Hard to write a review though.
June 4, 2024
It was fine. The author knows what he is talking about and, I'm sure, has helped a lot of people at their clinic. It was 1 part healthy psychology principles, 1 part practical helps, and 1 part philosophical analogies to the problems. It was a good broad overview of what tears people down, from a psychology perspective.
February 27, 2025
Some good points in here but it's densely written. Too much jargon, too many analogies that obscure rather than clarify. The frequent reference to tarot cards didn't add much (and undermined the genuine evidence and research the arguments are based on).
December 13, 2025
Beautiful book. I learnt a lot and I'm grateful for the insights. Just no 5* because it is somewhat inaccessible due to many references to philosophy books and films. I read a lot of philosophy but couldn't always relate to the film remarks.
January 1, 2026
More scientific than I was expecting, but nevertheless, a thoughtful view into how and why we break down as humans. This book focuses on the importance of rest and restoration in order to thrive. I hope to implement some slower and kinder rhythms after reading this.
December 21, 2024
Deeply useful insights, though tends academic.
April 8, 2025
Could not get into this at all. The author uses 15 words when 2 would suffice and I found his tone as condescending as hell. Not for me.
June 5, 2025
4.5 stars
September 16, 2025
Important subject but frustratingly unclearly presented.
October 2, 2024
The more we avoid the difficult feelings the more likely we are to have them,
False alarm
False alarm
March 1, 2024
Another enlightening read from Professor Deary, and absolutely worth the wait. As with How We Are, How We Break is filled (for me) with lightbulb moments that often explained and/or validated some of my experiences and reactions to them. The story of Anne, in particular, resonated strongly, particular with regard to my relationship with my (previous) employment.
How We Break presents an artful and insightful combination of academic, clinical and personal knowledge and experience, and is thus accessible to, and applicable to, a diverse readership. I highly recommend this (and How We Are) to anyone interested in ‘the human condition’.
How We Break presents an artful and insightful combination of academic, clinical and personal knowledge and experience, and is thus accessible to, and applicable to, a diverse readership. I highly recommend this (and How We Are) to anyone interested in ‘the human condition’.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 32 reviews