Vastikud inimesed

by Jay Carter, Tanel Saimre (Translator)

Kas vastikud inimesed on sulle haiget teinud, sind petnud, alandanud? Näiteks sinu ülemus, ema-isa või abikaasa? Kes ta ka poleks, ta on alavääristaja, kes toitub sinu eneseväärikusest, ängistusest ja õnnetusest. Raamatu autor pakub aastakümnete pikkuse praktiseerija- ja vaatlejakogemuse põhjal väljatöötatud juhised mürgiste inimsuhete vältimiseks. Otsese kõnepruugi, päriselust võetud näidete ning terve mõistuse abil annab dr Carter sulle vajalikud teadmised, et:- tuvastada alavääristajad- kaitsta oma vaimset tervist- huumori abil pääseda süüdistusmängudest- üle saada kahtlustest- lõpetada enesepiitsutamine- jagu saada vaimsetest riiukukkedest- näha situatsiooni tervikuna

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Relationships, Ebooks, Communication

104 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1989

About the author

Dr. Carter has made over 100 appearances on national television and radio in the USA, Canada, Australia, and United Kingdom (BBC-TV in London), including the "Larry King Show", and the "Montel Williams Show". He consulted with Reader's Digest for an article on "Mean People", and has consulted with the Oprah Winfrey Show. He has appeared in Oprah magazine and Cosmopolitan several times. He was a talk show host on Berks Community TV for four years.

Psychologist, Best Selling Author, Speaker, and Film Maker (awards for "Bipolar Light" and the "Bully Caterpillar" pilot film), Dr. Carter is a professional speaker doing seminars and workshops for organizations around the country. He is the author of the best selling book, "Nasty People", which has sold over one million copies in the USA and around the world. His new book is the "Complete Idiots Guide to Bipolar Disorder" via Alpha Books (Penguin Group)

Dr. Carter is a sought after speaker. He is a regular speaker for Cross Country Education (see web site link) where his audience are Social Workers, Counselors, Educators, Medical Doctors, Nurses, Nurse Practitioners, and Psychologists. He has appeared before colleges, universities, and institutions like Loyola University, Temple University, United Way, IBM, the Association of University Women, and Union Carbide. He was on the board of directors for the Sexual Assault Resource Center and Women in Crisis (Battered Women). He was on the PA subcommittee for Government Drug and Alcohol Services. He is past president of the Berks Area Psychological Society. He was an executive manager for IBM Corporation. He is currently working on a full feature animated film, expanding the award-winning "Bully Caterpillar" story.


He does regular workshops on:

- "Bipolar: A New Slant"

- " The Executive Functions, Leadership and Charisma"

- "Bullies"

- "Anger Management"

- "Dealing with Difficult Personalities"



Jay's workshops have made positive changes in thousands of personal and professional lives. His workshops are down to earth and meant for any audience. He is entertaining as well as enlightening, with a great sense of humor.


Publications

- Nasty People (personality and verbal/emotional abuse), self-help, McGraw-Hill, NY, Revised 2003

- Nasty Men (personality and abuse), psychology/self-help, McGraw-Hill, NY, 1993

- Nasty Women (personality) self help, McGraw-Hill, NY, 2003

-Nasty Bosses (self help), McGraw-Hill, NY, 2004

- Taking the Bully by the Horns by Kathy Noll with Jay Carter (How kids can deal with difficult kids), self-help ages 10-15, Unicorn Press, 1998 (see website link to purchase this book and to gather data from a website or do a search on "Taking the Bully", or contact Kathy Noll at www.kathynoll.com .

- Butterflies Don't Land on Manure (A fictionalized book. New age. Romance, adventure, enlightenment) Unicorn Press, 1998

- The Bully Caterpillar (A story book for the Inner Child) Unicorn Press, 2002

- Bipolar: "The Elements of Bipolar Disorder" A Practical Guide, 2010

- Self Analysis: A Bootcamp Kickbutt Approach, Unicorn Press, (1979, 2006) Available on LuLu.com

- The Executive Function: Unlock Your Potential, Unicorn Press, 2006 Available on LuLu.com

-Complete Idiots Guide to Understanding Bipolar Disorder (self help), Alpha Books, NY, 2009


Diplomate Status

- Diplomate fellow candidate in Pharmacology sponsored by the Prescribing Psychologists Register

- Certification in Psychoactive Substance Abuse Disorders by the APA Board of Governors

- Retired Diplomate in Forensic Psychology by the American College of Forensic Examiners (ACFE)

Reviews

[Mostafa Galal · Rating 3 out of 5]

كتاب جيد يقدم نصائح عملية للتعامل مع فئات معينة من البشر ريما نقابلها كثيرا في حياتنا اليومية تقلل دوماً من شأن الآخرين وقيمة أعمالهم وجهودهم

[Bren fall in love with the sea. · Rating 3 out of 5]

“Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong. —LEO BUSCAGLIA”
― Jay Carter, Nasty People

I actually somewhat enjoyed this book even though I felt a bit frustrated, not because it was not good or important but because it was shorter than I'd have liked.

As you can see from the title, this book is a frame of reference in how to deal with nasty and mean people and how to spot them and how to protect yourself from them. I speak specifically of people who hurt and wound verbally on purpose.

If you are anything like me, you've met many of them.


I loaned this book to someone who read it and then said "it didn't help". But I actually really did enjoy it to a degree.

It will not magically change your life and/or make everything perfect but it is skillful in identifying different types of toxic people and giving you some skills to deal with them. It is also great at giving examples and a glimmer into the minds of these people. And it does this in a book that is quite short.

And again that is my biggest dislike. I really wish it had been longer because I feel the writing here is both sensitive and intelligent and so much more it could have gone into depth about but because of it's length, I suppose it didn't.

Nasty people was better than I expected it to be and is a quick read and not a bad one at all.

[Robin Loves Reading · Rating 4 out of 5]

SELECTED QUOTES:

Invalidation is what I used to call “putting other people down to bring yourself up.”

Only 1 percent of us intentionally spreads this misery to manipulate and control others. Twenty percent of us do it semiconsciously as a defense mechanism. The rest of us do it only occasionally, usually unconsciously and unintentionally.

The invalidator is underhanded, and the person being invalidated is often unsuspecting except for knowing that he feels bad.

The invalidator may persist in invalidating you until you succumb.

An invalidator will pick out the qualities about you that are most important to you and then tear them apart.

An invalidator will listen to you share something that you don’t like about yourself and then later use it against you.

If she really thinks you are onto her, she may apologize and then not invalidate you again … until later when you are unsuspecting.

(Hitler) never killed anyone face to face but got his followers to do it.

The more clever invalidators don’t use their powers until it’s absolutely necessary.

The invalidator can appear to be quite friendly for a very long time.

Then he will just make you look bad in front of everyone for a long time.

He might do all this with information you told him about yourself in confidence, when he so endearingly listened to you.

The invalidator has many methods at his or her disposal, including uncertainty; projection; generalization; judgment; manipulation; sneak attack; double message; cutting communication; building you up, cutting you down; and the double bind.

For example, the invalidator will suddenly become understanding, lovable, and very nice to you. Things will remain this way until you become trusting.

The invalidator puts you in a position where you are wrong if you do and wrong if you don’t.

But he saved up this extreme type of threat, only calling on it on special occasions when he needed a large portion of control.

I have never met a conscious invalidator who was not narcissistic. The rest of us don’t mean to be narcissistic and we don’t mean to invalidate.

In his least obvious personality, the invalidator appears to be your good buddy. He always has some negative thing to tell you “in good faith.” He loves to be “honest” and “truthful.”

He gossips about you behind your back and is secretly jealous of you.

He pays you compliments that are really double messages, insinuating that you are paranoid if you confront him on his double messages.

He might become enraged when you did something against his will or against his opinion.



MY THOUGHTS:

This review is written based on social media experiences that I have seen over the past nine months. Before I begin this review, I just want to indirectly quote something I heard: Who are you more apt to believe? Ten people telling you about one person, or one person telling you about ten people?

When bullying - and yes - this is why I read this book - occurs, exclusion, lies and defamation of character happens. In this book by Jay Carter, people who attack other people are not referred to as bullies, but as invalidators, as the above quotes show. One thing the author does is to compare these invalidators to Hitler. More directly, they are often narcissistic. They are often sociopaths.

Before I go on, I just want to highly recommend anyone on any side of this issue go to Amazon and purchase this book. My views on this matter will come as close to this book as possible. As a matter of fact, as a reviewer, that is the way I write reviews. Simply put.

However, I mentioned that I read this book based on my experiences. So, there will be a personal flair to this review.

One section of this book is called "Portrait of an Invalidator". Here, Hitler's history is briefly relayed. He is the perfect example of a controlling invalidator. As a young man, he was a beautiful artist, a writer, and saved many lives in the army. However, at some point, as history clearly shows, the man changed. There is no point in me stating what he did. The entire world knows. So, then, why include him in this book? In this review?

He was a clever, clever man. People believed him. People were swayed by him. In some ways he kept his own hands clean by having people carry out all of his acts. He was the ultimate puppet master. There are people today who have an obsessive need to be in control, to manipulate people, situations and environments. In so doing, people's lives can be destroyed, sometimes with very few words. Lives can be decimated by telling people lies about others, by gathering people together so that they can spread these lies further.

Another way people can be hurt is by attacks, and these attacks are often subtle. Other times, the attacks are direct, especially when a direct incident carefully orchestrated can play out, making a single person look bad in front of a lot of people. When done right, several people can change their view of a single person based on a single event.

In some cases, truths can be used against people. Someone may genuinely confide in someone. That someone has another friend. They genuinely, sometimes unwittingly, share confidences. If the person that they are sharing with is an invalidator, as it were, it can be quite easy to destroy someone's reputation.

In one of the quotes above, an invalidator's methods are many. These include judgment, manipulation, inclusion, buddying up and then cutting someone down. Sadly, the victim if such actions may never see it coming.

Then there are people who see it happening. Clearly. They see victims being set up. Being hurt. But because the chief invalidator has developed a high level of power, fear creeps in and people are afraid to speak up. If they do, they know for a fact that they themselves will become a victim.

Lastly, people's values begin to change. They may, on their own, never intend to hurt another person. But, they begin to be swept up, influenced. Before they know it, gradualism has become part of their fiber. By then, it is too late to change what is happening, so they go along with actions that make them feel uncomfortable.

What can be done? For one thing, victims must learn to know their own value, their own strengths. They know the truth about themselves. Do they need to prove their truth? Their worth? They really don't, but often become so desperate that they will try their darndest to prove their innocence. As difficult as it is, they must become strong enough not to be hurt by Nasty People.

The other thing that can be done? It is not becoming an invalidator. Step away. Do not become a nasty person. Once one becomes a nasty person, an invalidator, a bully, that reputation will be very hard to shake off.


MY FINAL THOUGHTS:

Let's stop walking on eggshells. Protect ourselves. Watch our associations, our friendships. Take care of US, take care of our families. Know our own truth.

The next self-help book in my sights:

[Hekait_noor · Rating 3 out of 5]

"أن الضعفاء فقط هم الذين يتصفون بالقسوة، أما الرقة فلا يمكن توقعها إلا من الأقوياء فحسب."

ليو بوسكاليا


كتاب مفيد في عصرنا هذا ..

[Lucy Wightman · Rating 4 out of 5]

A friend for over 30 years gave me this book and I almost threw it out after a cursory read. I steer away from “self-help” books, since most of them are boring, regurgitated versions of what we already know, and, for me, what I am often too lazy to implement.

On second glance, I liked four things about this small book, and the first was its size. The second was the author’s bold disagreement with fixed labels, more specifically, his refusal to subscribe to things like “personality disorders.” The third was the importance of anyone’s potential to act as an “Invalidator.” The fourth are that he offers simple reminders as solutions. For example, when a person is projecting (in the more primitive sense this is when someone unconsciously barfs all their garbage on top of you, all over you) that is the time when you can learn about who they are. Oh yeah… like the word, it is a projection onto a screen (you, me) of part of who they are.

Nasty people are, for Carter, individuals who invalidate others. He keeps the narrow focus throughout. Of course there are multiple faces of “nasty,” and I kind of like the word.

This is not a blame book. In fact, Carter writes about how our response to someone who chronically invalidates our experience, words and feelings is to blame them. This simply disempowers us. When we allow invalidation to work, we are equally responsible because, he says, if invalidation did not work no one would do it.

The process starts when the person being invalidated starts to feel kind of funny, uncomfortable, bad in a general, vague way. Things like sarcasm and subtle put-downs creep in, then exaggerations of small truths are presented in black and white terms. Self-observed confessions in moments of vulnerability are eventually used against you. If you confront the person they act as if you are crazy, and dreaming up the intonations and anger in their messages.

The invalidator’s methods can be conscious or unconscious because this person is really just very scared. Some of the scenarios are to keep the relationship in a state of uncertainty, projection, generalizing, judging and criticizing, sneak attacks, and double messages. Asking to hear your thoughts then cutting off communication by interrupting you, or refusing to speak with you at all. Walking out during a conversation leaves you with “a logjam of unfinished thoughts in your mind.”

If you bring up uncertainty you might get a response that puts it back on you, as in, “I never know what you are going to do next, I am walking on eggshells.” Then it is back to the drawing board to determine what it is we are doing wrong. Saying things in a negative tone can never be a proven thing of course, so if one reacts to the tone, you are then “in one of your moods again.”

Feeling trapped, overthinking and overfiguring in their absence, we come to doubt. Carter says to stop and not take it personally, that it is a game of sorts, with threats of disastrous effects on you, but that we are totally responsible for the outcome and reaction to the threats if we choose to participate.

The tables can turn where we become the invalidators, and hopefully, mutual recognition, correction and growth can occur, providing there are two adults who are real grown-ups involved.

Carter says that people who are capable of being so rotten are capable of being equally wonderful. He reminds us that nobody is demonic all the time, and that invalidators come from a place where this strategy was worked against them. Sadly though, the behavior of control that wins so many battles eventually leaves this person lonely and without closeness.

Carter writes about “Right/Wrong Dysfunction” and says that a healthy approach is, when we do something wrong, we react to being exposed or feel guilty, eventually taking responsibility and atoning. The person invalidating, when faced with the same situation, won’t feel guilt and instead justifies, blames and will not take responsibility. Not being able to atone, they disrespect and lower the other person in their eyes, when really they are feeling smaller and smaller themselves.

[Car · Rating 1 out of 5]

He lost me in the foreword at "Besides God, the captain of your soul should be you".

[Aisha Adnan · Rating 5 out of 5]

عميق جداً ....

[Sue · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating book; the title is an exaggeration since it's about all of us, in a way. The topic is 'invalidating' - putting people down, seeing ourselves as superior. The author claims that there is 1% of the population who are truly nasty and do this kind of thing deliberately. It's hard to believe the number is really that high. But he also points out that there are many people who do this kind of thing regularly - albeit not deliberately wanting to hurt anyone - and that probably everyone does so occasionally.

The book also looks at the 'victim' mentality in some people that allows invalidators to walk right over them. Overall, the book was very readable and quite thought-provoking.

[Amal · Rating 4 out of 5]

لفتني عنوان الكتاب بمُجرد أن وقع نظري عليه في المكتبة ورغم عدم معرفتي بمحتواه و انعدام معلوماتي عن كاتبه وهذة غالباً جوانب مُهمة في اختياري للكُتب ، قررتُ اقتناءه بسُرعة وبدون تردُد وضممتهُ لقائمة شراء طويلة من الكُتب الفلسفية والعلمية وكُتب الأجتماع والأدب ، وماشدني نحوه بالفعل أنهُ ضرب وتر هذة المُعظلة في حــياتي رغم أنني لستُ بضحية ولا أحب أن أكون كذلك ، لكن حُسن النية وكرم الأخلاق سيُعرضك للعديد من هوام سيئو الطباع كالحشرات المُزعجة التي تستصعبُ التخلص منها أو احتمالها في آن . إن "جاي كارتر "طبيب نفسي ومُختص بعلم النفس وهذا أضاف لكتابهُ وكلامه قيمة مُضاعفة لدي فهو لا يُنظّر ولا يُرتب الجمل على هواه ثم انهُ بطرحه للمُشكلة كأحد المُتضررين منها كسبب للبحث أمرٌ لطيف ذو قُرب للقارئ جالبٌ لاهتمامه، الكتاب لطيف في بدايته مُركز المعلومة لفت نظري لأمور رُبما كانت غائبة أو مشوشة قليلاً ، قيمتُ نفسي فيه والأخرين على حدٍ سواء ورُبما سيجعلني أقوى بمُجابهة المُحقرين والإطاحة بهُم ، أليست هذة هي فضيلة الحكمة الأولى وزادها الكُتب والقراءة ؟!
أن نكون أقوى وأنضج و وأعمقُ أثراً وتأثيراً .،
بالمُجمل الكتاب جيد وأفادني لم اندم لإقتنائه ، نقص تقيمهُ نجمة واحدة لبعض التكرار والملل الي اصابني في فصوله الأخيرة فقط .،

[Ahmed · Rating 3 out of 5]

الكتاب صغير الحجم جدا وفي رأيي هذا اهم ما يميزه،تستطيع إنهائه في جلسة واحدة.
افكار مركزة جدا وامثلة بسيطة بدون اي حشو او إطالة،حتي ان لم تكن من هواة القراءة فأنت تستطيع قراءة هذا الكتاب.
الاشخاص سيئو الطباع،كيف يمكنك التعامل معهم دون ان تكون واحدا منهم؟
لدينا جميعا هذه النوعية من الاشخاص،زميل عمل او جار او قريب،جميعنا لديه هذه المشكلة،من هنا تأتي اهمية هذا الكتاب.

[Cristina · Rating 2 out of 5]

Invalid book about Invalidators.

I can't believe that a psychologist wrote this book because it is based almost entirely on anecdotal evidence. He goes to great lengths in the beginninng to talk about how he did all this research on "invalidators" (aka the "nasty people") and became such an expert in identifying then and their techniques and later how to deal with them but I saw little of that in this book.

More than half is just talking about their technique -- but not even in context it's just so he can use the labels he gives them later. I found it to be useless because it was either things you know from common sense or so vague that I could only kind of grasp what he was saying. Perhaps if he had used more situations where they were used it would have been more relevant but he rarely does this at all in the book nor is it a consistent thread he refers back to. It changes all the time and the circumstances are everywhere so it became hard and pointless to keep track of them.

From then on it just gets vague and contradictory. He says that only "1%" of people are concious invalidators ...based on what research you ask ...oh because this is just something he "knows". Just like he knows that "20% are semi invalidators" ...are you kidding? If we only dealt with this in such low numbers we proabably wouldn't be reading this book. But the tendency to fit everything into his own personal view of the world doesn't stop there. He constantly uses anecodes from his own life as "proof" that people act this way (oh he won't get fully into it a sentence or two will suffice and then he moves on). Now I don't normally have a problem with this but a psychologist will use anecdotes as contextual proof with NO statistics or research at all I DO have a problem with. I felt he was applying his narrow view of the world to everyone and that isn't helpful ...it's just frustrating.

I kept reading to see if his techniques on how to deal with them would be worth anything but sadly no. If at all possible he even gets MORE vague. He continues to just keep labeling (a technique his is found of) and then gives a MASSIVE list of things you can do to possibly get over the invalidator but again not using it in context. It got to a point where I put the book down when he advices "If you use the invalidators methods against him, he will cave sooner than anyone. It's so obvious it's funny. You could 'win' if you utlitize tihs knowledge." I can't believe a psychologist would put that in a book period.

I have never not finished a book but this was such a huge waste of time and clearly I wasn't going to learn anything so I put it down. You may find a few insights here and there but there is no practical application to any of it. I sincerely doubt that this was an effective approach for anyone unless they wanted to play a practical joke on someone.

[Souad Je · Rating 3 out of 5]

التحقير من شأن الآخرين أو ما يُعرف بالتّنمر هو موضوع الكتاب، كلنا تعرضنا للتحقير من شأننا وكلنا أيضا حقّرنا من شأن أحدهم، سواء كنا على دراية بذلك أم لم تكن لدينا أدنى فكرة.. الكتاب يطرح الموضوع ويطرح بعض الطرق لمعالجة الحالة.. وأنا أقرأ الكتاب كنت أستذكر العديد من حالات التحقير، فمجتمعاتنا مليئة بهذا (المرض) حتى أخمص قدميها، في الأسرة، والمدرسة، والشارع، والمكتب، والمواصلات...إلخ، التعطش إلى السيطرة وفرض الرأي قد تكون حالات مرّ بها الفرد في السابق وهو الآن يجسدها مع الآخرين.. فالأبناء يتعرضون إلى السيطرة التي تعرض لها آباؤهم من قبل أجدادهم ،ورئيس قسم التسويق يُعامل مرؤوسيه باحتقار لأنه تعرض لذلك من قبل رئيسه، هكذا دواليك...
جاء في الكتاب: ...لكن تذكر أنه ما من وجود لمثل هذا الشّخص، بل هناك البشر والأفعال التي يقومون بها. أي شخص من الممكن أن يصبح محقّرا من شأن الآخرين، وكذلك يمكن لأي شخص أن يُقلع عن هذا السلوك.

[Aliya · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bought this book a few hours ago and finished reading it in about two hours.

This book was penned as a cathartic exercise. Carter states that he was a victim first and then when he studied psychology, he realized what was happening to him. He later put his findings in book form, to help people. This is probably true of any pop-psychology book, since humans are primarily emotionally motivated. This fact makes the book very readable, and very true to life. One can relate to the facts and situations presented.

This book can be a hard read for victims, because it touches raw nerves too often, but that is unavoidable and necessary for healing.

As with many self help books, it identifies the situation very well, and helps put things in perspective. However, it falls a tad short in offering tips to remedy the situation. This is not to say that no such tip is offered, no, not at all. The author does give tips, but I feel they left me wanting. A little more elaboration and a few more tips would have made this an amazing book. But it is still a very good book. It certainly makes one aware of one's blind spots and that is a huge accomplishment in itself.

I was put off by a subliminal theme of Judaism/Israel running in the book. The author brought up the crusades, 9/11 and the holocaust, which seemed to be imperceptibly making a case for continued Jewish/Israeli support, in the face of Palestinian genocide.

[John Trembly · Rating 4 out of 5]

essential reading for anyone who has a cunt of a boss.
Only gave it four stars because it doesn't endorse violence.

[Sandy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Short, clear and helpful in creative ways of dealing with people who are just not nice.

[Leslie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Explains why people bully, invalidate, and are mean...gave tips on how to respond to such people.

[Hanan Kamal · Rating 3 out of 5]

هل تعرضت للأذى، أو الخيانة، أو الحط من قدرتك من قبل؟ ربما كان رئيسك في العمل، أو أحد أقاربك، أو شريك حياتك هو الذي آذاك، وبغض النظر عن هوية الفاعل، فهو محقر من شأن الآخرين يقتات على تقديرك لذاتك، ومعاناتك النفسية، وتعاستك، ولكن يمكنك أن توقف سلسلة الإيذاء هذه، وأن تضع حدّاً للهجمات الخبيثة الموجهة صوبك دون اللجوء إلى أساليب بغيضة. ولكي يساعدك على الاحتفاظ بعقلك ورباطة جأشك عند التعامل مع أشخاص صعبي المراس، يقدم لك جاي كارتر في هذا الكتاب المحدث الأكثر مبيعاً خلاصة عشرات السنوات من الممارسة والمراقبة التي أهلته لتقديم أساليب معتمدة لتجنب العلائق الفاسدة

إن المحقر الحق سيقول أي شيء يضمن به بقاءك إلى جواره؛ لأنه يتعين عليه الإبقاء عليك, لكن لا لأنه يحبك, بل لأنه مدفوع للسيطرة عليك, ولأنك تشبع رغباته في التحكم والسلطة. إنه مضطر لتملكك لأنك تخدم أغراضه, لا لأنه يهتم لأمرك. إن اهتمامه بك ينحصر فقط في العثور على نقاط ضعفك وا��تركيز عليها, من أجل السيطرة عليك.

[julksa · Rating 5 out of 5]

9/10

[Tara · Rating 1 out of 5]

I have read a number of self-help books, specifically on how to change my behaviors when dealing with people who engage in unhealthy behaviors routinely. I found this book to be okay and share similar insight as other books in this category. The point I struggled with was the reasons he gave for unhealthy behaviors - a point he could not have addressed as many other books don't go into the 'why' people engage in unhealthy behaviors. The reasons he gave negate much of psychology and our understanding that people are different and have different degrees of dealing with their emotions. Yes, we are connected and have similar needs but the degrees in which people go about fulfilling the needs and the reasons behind it are vast and numerous and complex. He dwindles this aspect of humanity and maybe goes too far in simplification. I found other books on how to change behaviors in dealing with difficult people more helpful and informative.

[Paulette · Rating 5 out of 5]

Be careful, once you learn how to define the sick behavior that surrounds you, you may not like anyone! But, there is redemption in learning that the Invalidator is a personality not a person and you gain tools to learn how to deal with them.

[Georgia1263 · Rating 5 out of 5]

The only thing the author needed to mention is how to deal with nasty
people who think they're literary critics. You know, those people who give shitty reviews on book cuz they're insanely jealous of the author's success? Yeesh.

*cough* too many of those types on GR *cough, hack*

[Mohammad Alrasheed · Rating 4 out of 5]

ميزة هذا الكتاب أنه لا يقدم لك طريقة التعامل مع الأشخاص سيئو الطباع فقط (سماهم المؤلف: المحقرون من شأن الآخرين) بل يكشف لك الجوانب والدوافع النفسية لهؤلاء الأشخاص عند تحقيرهم من شأن الآخرين والإساءة لهم. ما يسهل عليك فهمهم وبالتالي أسلوب التعامل معهم والتصدي لهم. كتاب خفيف لكن مفيد وأسلوبه ماتع

[Alistair · Rating 2 out of 5]

IN PROGRESS

Contents

Acknowledgements ix
From a Student xi
From the Author xiii
Overview xix

1 THE INVALIDATOR 1
2 THE VICTIM - 43
3 THE CYCLE OF INVALIDATION - 57
4 WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT? 75
5 TO INVALIDATION: THE MECHANISM 97

[Kimberly · Rating 3 out of 5]

NOTES:
'Invalidation is what I used to call: “putting other people down to bring yourself up.”'

The invalidators can be particularly nasty characters if they get into positions of power. And they are always, in fact, striving for positions of power because they are “small Hitlers” with an obsessive need to control people and events.

Be careful who you depend on for your self-esteem. If you depend on others, the invalidator will shower you with compliments until you are totally dependent on him, then he will take you apart piece by piece until you are in his control.

Once you start looking anxiously and self-consciously at yourself, the invalidator will subtly draw your attention to your most negative qualities. This will make you feel weaker, more susceptible to control.

If she can get you to come down to her level and start worrying more, then she feels superior.

Every time you meet a situation, though you think at the time it is an impossibility and you go through the tortures of the damned, once you have met it and lived through it, you find that forever after you are freer than you were before. - Eleanor Roosevelt

To the invalidator: Every once in a while, you do something that will make a lasting scar on someone close to you. By the time you are done living your lifetime, the world is worse for your having been here.

Suppose you made use of a demonic archetype in which you were selfish and manipulative. Eventually you would really hurt someone, and then a natural remorse would tap you on the shoulder to remind you of your misdeeds. You might drop the selfish behavior and atone, get depressed, or get sick.

You use these mechanisms on a “buy now, pay later” plan. Sure, you can run around feeling carefree, not caring about others, for a while. But sooner or later you are going to end up alone and lonely. People eventually catch on, no matter how gregarious and fun-loving you are. Once people realize that you are completely taken up with yourself, they get turned off. Besides, there seems to be a natural law that eventually leads to the destruction of a person like you. After all, how can you remain a human being and constantly destroy your own foundations as a human being (empathy, caring, and conscience)?

If you repress remorse, you repress all feelings to that same degree. You also give up part of your ability to gauge how other people feel. So each time you repress real remorse, you die a little. You cannot lose touch with your own conscience without losing touch with others, because your conscience is the bridge that connects you to others. Empathy and conscience go hand in hand.

The worst thing that can happen is that you become so selfish that you mess up all of your relationships. You lose contact so badly that you can’t relate to other people at all. You lose your own feelings so that you can no longer experience love, beauty, friendship, or any of the meaningful experiences in life. You have to resort to booze, drugs, or degraded sex to feel anything at all.

When you detect an invalidator, whether it’s someone near you or you yourself, show a little compassion. This poor unfortunate soul is either in hell or on his way.

Attacking a person instead of attacking what that person is doing just doesn’t work in the long run.

But the victim who cannot and will not express any anger at all represses his anger and probably has to repress most of his other feelings along with it.

The only way out of this trap is to be able to listen, express anger constructively, be wrong, and change when the situation requires it.

Only the weak are cruel. Gentleness can only be expected from the strong. – Leo Buscaglia

Bullying is abuse that is allowed to go on in our society because we do not take the steps necessary to solve it as a systemic problem. If bullies were dealt with effectively as children, there would be a lot less invalidation in the world.

Sometimes someone who doesn’t feel good about herself will think you are better than she is, so she tries to make you look small.

Sometimes people can be so mean that it is best to just stay away from them.

To invalidation: My purpose will be love, and not destruction. This is the beginning of your end.

[Stefan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is about dealing with certain types of difficult people.
The book outlines the mechanics of the invalidator-invalidated relation with examples from different social contexts (co-work or boss, relationship, parent/child). It also touches on the contagious nature of invalidation, the fact that an invalidated person can turn into an invalidator.

There's also a classification of invalidators, and for each class there's details about the source of this behavior and what might be the reasons behind it.

I found interesting how the book mentions techniques of the invalidator, including projection, and that projection mirroring would work best as a response.

I liked that the book also gives some ways of approaching such situations.

All in all I think it was a good book for the type of topic it handles, but it doesn't seem like a exhaustive/complete exploration of the topic (probably not even possible in just 110 pages).
I don't really have something else to compare it to since this would be the first psychology book I go through, so I'll give it 4 stars.

[T X · Rating 5 out of 5]

كتاب أكثر من رائع. يتناول هذا الكتاب الشريحة من الأشخاص الذين يتسببون في الظاهرة التي أطلق عليها المؤلف في هذا الكتاب "التحقير من شأن الآخرين" أو بما يعرف أيضا ب(التنمر) يقول المؤلف أن الشخص المحقر من الشأن عبارة عن شخصية وليس شخصا. وأنهم مهووسون بالسيطرة, عادة ما يظهرون بمظهر العظمة, بينما هم يشعرون بالواقع بالنقص. الأنا لديهم متضخم, وتقديرهم لذواتهم متدني!

يؤكد المؤلف أن التحقير من الشأن يجدي على المدى القريب, لا على المدى البعيد, وأن التحقير من الشأن يدمر المحقر من شأن الآخرين فيقعون فريسة الإدمان الخمور والمخدرات, والجنس, والاكتئاب... مما يجعلهم هم الآخرون ضحايا يحتاجون للمساعدة والإنقاذ.

أيضا قدم الكتاب عدة نصائح للتصرف عندما تكون ضحية للمحقر من الشأن, سواء كان مديرك في العمل, أو شريكك في الحياة الزوجية, وغيرهم...
الكتاب قصير, سهل القراءة وممتع, تعمد المؤلف عدم الإسهاب مما يجعله كتابا مناسبا لجميع الأعمار والمستويات.

[No Name · Rating 4 out of 5]

كتاب رائع ...يعلمك كيف مواجهة المحقرين من شأن الأخرين بعدة طرق منها
1-المواجهة : وهي النضر للشخص بثبات والأبتسام مع أمالة الرأس قليلاً للأمام وبذالك سوف تحرج المحقر
2-كرر ذلك من فضلك: عند تحقير اي شخص من شأنك فقط قل له "كرر ذلك من فضلك" وسوف يرتبك أو يُحرج ولن يعيدها وهنالك عدد من المحقرين يقمو بتكرار ذلك وبدون خوف
3-عكس الأسقاط: سوف تفهمه في الكتاب ومثال على ذلك حين تسألك زوجتك "أختار أحد الخيارين أنا أو عملك" فقط لا تختار وقل لها "أنا لن أختار بل أختاري أنتِ"
4-كن صادقاً: كن صادقاً معه ومثال على ذلك حين يحرجك أمام الجميع قل له أمام الجميع "أنك تحرجني" فسوف يُحرج ويسكت أو يغادر المكان
5-أنفرد به: عند تحقيره لك فقط أنفرد به وتكلم معه فسوف يرتبك أو يُحرج ولا يقدر على الرد

[William Schnitz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Concepts of this book seem too simplistic and I felt a lot of pressure to pigeon hole people basically as bullies or victims. Then, about half-way through this otherwise easy read, Mr. Carter pulls the rug out from under the reader and it becomes much easier to accept his ideas. I see critique that this is all anecdotal but taken for what it is, I think there is validity to multiple anecdotes, experience and a concept built on that foundation. Maybe the foundation is not as solid as a text book or research, but used in concert with some reading on Jung and probably other psychology I suspect this can be a useful paradigm.

[Enjy Mosaad · Rating 4 out of 5]

ينخرط السواد الأعظم من الناس في السلوك التحقيري على غير وعي منهم بسبب النموذج المُقلِّد، وقد تعرضت تلك الفئة المسكينة غلى التحقير من شأهم في الماضي - عادةً على يد أحد من الأهل لم يستطيعوا إرضاؤه - ودون وعي منهم أو فهم لمشكلتهم يضحون محقرين من شأن الآخرين في أوقات مختلفة وغير متوقعة.

#الثلاث_خصال_المشتركة_في_المحقرين_من_شأن_الآخرين
الأنا (تضخم الذات) - التكبر - شعور في غير محله بالاستحقاق

إن تدمير ملكة التواصل التي حبانا بها الله أحد أشد الأشياء فتكًا وهي الدور الذي نلعبه عندما نسمح للآخرين بإجبارنا على الحد من قدراتنا التواصلية أو تشويهها بسبب خوفنا من التحقير من الشأن

[Sunita · Rating 5 out of 5]

My counselor gave me this book to read years ago and I loved it so much, I had to purchase a copy for my own personal library.

This book will help you reassess your personal relationships whether it’s with family, friends, coworkers and so forth. It’s an eye opening book that will reveal to you that you’re not crazy. This book talks about the different type of difficult people and may even reveal qualities about yourself. Overall, a great read to help you manage and control whom you choose to surround yourself with in your life.