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Consent Laid Bare: Sex, Entitlement, and the Distortion of Desire
The game-changing book about sex and consent that every woman—and man—should read, a battle cry from a generation no longer prepared to stay silent.
When Chanel Contos asked followers on Instagram to share their stories of sexual assault, her post went viral. Almost 7,000 people provided testimonies. Virtually none of these incidents had been reported to authorities, and almost all of them were perpetrated by people the victims knew.
Why is sexual assault so widespread and rampant in an era of growing equality? Contos argues that when it comes to sex, we are still working with an outdated social contract that privileges men's pleasure at the expense of women's humanity.
Consent Laid Bare challenges the lingering inequality that reinforces this behavior, and questions whether consent is possible in a world where female sexuality has been hijacked and suppressed by influences such as porn, patriarchy, and male entitlement. It offers girls and women encouragement and advice to seek sex that is truly enjoyable and provides the information they need to enthusiastically consent. It also asks boys and men to become advocates for sex centered around intimacy rather than fueled by aggression.
When Chanel Contos asked followers on Instagram to share their stories of sexual assault, her post went viral. Almost 7,000 people provided testimonies. Virtually none of these incidents had been reported to authorities, and almost all of them were perpetrated by people the victims knew.
Why is sexual assault so widespread and rampant in an era of growing equality? Contos argues that when it comes to sex, we are still working with an outdated social contract that privileges men's pleasure at the expense of women's humanity.
Consent Laid Bare challenges the lingering inequality that reinforces this behavior, and questions whether consent is possible in a world where female sexuality has been hijacked and suppressed by influences such as porn, patriarchy, and male entitlement. It offers girls and women encouragement and advice to seek sex that is truly enjoyable and provides the information they need to enthusiastically consent. It also asks boys and men to become advocates for sex centered around intimacy rather than fueled by aggression.
288 pages, Hardcover
Published August 5, 2025
229 people are currently reading
3326 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 264 reviews
November 5, 2023
(2.5 stars)
Probably the wrong audience for this one, as I grew up in the wave of feminists who thought women should be able to use their bodies in any way they wanted, be that in pornography or as sex workers, as these were freedoms currently afforded to men. After writing about Andrea Dworkin and Catherine A. MacKinnon in my own undergraduate degree more than two decades ago, I guess I didn't expect them to still be the sources informing a 2023 book about consent. To me, 1981 feminism seems a very long time ago. So excuse me if I come off a bit bored with statements like, "I think that consuming porn is an anti-feminist act."
"In Denmark in 2012, a study found that 85 per cent of (both male and female) sex workers said they entered the industry for money" made me ask so what? Firstly, using a 2012 Nordic country reference for sex work is contextually inappropriate for Australia where (in NSW) decriminalisation has existed since 1995, and secondly, every job I have done across all industries I have worked in, I have also done for money. "A world where it’s normal for men to trade funds for sex affects women far beyond the boundaries of a brothel," while utilitarian, doesn't read like a good reason to limit some women's choices to me, I would rather have a world where we fight for all women to have the same range of options as men, including sex workers.
The lack of analysis of class and privilege is perhaps the bit about Consent Laid Bare that grated me. There is definitely a cultural difference between myself as working class and the privileged perspective of the author, Chanel Contos, and her book. "Where I grew up, most women over 40 have had some sort of cosmetic procedure, whether it’s Botox or lip fillers," isn't my reality, and thus the solutions proposed for the privileged group of young men who Contos dubs "entitled opportunists" didn't sit well for me. While I agree all young Australians are failed by inadequate consent education, I'm not convinced that "an entitled opportunist can be prevented by education on consent and being raised with empathy". Maybe an analysis of class would show these rapists behave differently, in a way we can't gloss over with consent education and empathy, when they rape outside of their social class...
Probably the wrong audience for this one, as I grew up in the wave of feminists who thought women should be able to use their bodies in any way they wanted, be that in pornography or as sex workers, as these were freedoms currently afforded to men. After writing about Andrea Dworkin and Catherine A. MacKinnon in my own undergraduate degree more than two decades ago, I guess I didn't expect them to still be the sources informing a 2023 book about consent. To me, 1981 feminism seems a very long time ago. So excuse me if I come off a bit bored with statements like, "I think that consuming porn is an anti-feminist act."
"In Denmark in 2012, a study found that 85 per cent of (both male and female) sex workers said they entered the industry for money" made me ask so what? Firstly, using a 2012 Nordic country reference for sex work is contextually inappropriate for Australia where (in NSW) decriminalisation has existed since 1995, and secondly, every job I have done across all industries I have worked in, I have also done for money. "A world where it’s normal for men to trade funds for sex affects women far beyond the boundaries of a brothel," while utilitarian, doesn't read like a good reason to limit some women's choices to me, I would rather have a world where we fight for all women to have the same range of options as men, including sex workers.
The lack of analysis of class and privilege is perhaps the bit about Consent Laid Bare that grated me. There is definitely a cultural difference between myself as working class and the privileged perspective of the author, Chanel Contos, and her book. "Where I grew up, most women over 40 have had some sort of cosmetic procedure, whether it’s Botox or lip fillers," isn't my reality, and thus the solutions proposed for the privileged group of young men who Contos dubs "entitled opportunists" didn't sit well for me. While I agree all young Australians are failed by inadequate consent education, I'm not convinced that "an entitled opportunist can be prevented by education on consent and being raised with empathy". Maybe an analysis of class would show these rapists behave differently, in a way we can't gloss over with consent education and empathy, when they rape outside of their social class...
May 3, 2024
Okay, wow. Even after reading it, I find myself re-reading pages, hunting for quotes and using Chanel’s expertise in all my studies.
I have been a huge fan of Chanel’s work for years, admiring her indomitable attitude. She speaks directly to high school students, in a language that is so effortlessly understood, no political or legal jargon needed.
This was a fabulous journey down misogyny lane. It was a perfect book. I was in utter and absolute shock after reading it, it taught me so much about sexism and misogyny and rape culture.. everyone - EVERYONE should read this book right now. It should be stocked on all the shelves at every primary and secondary school.
It is only through learning and engaging in this iconic pieces of literature that we CAN change the culture of sexism that perpetuates sexual assault and violence against women.
Another bonus - the writing is beautiful and big, so not only can people sitting behind you read it as well, but it is so nice on the eyes to not be holding the book awkwardly to see the words.
My favourite quote is “all men suffer from the actions of bad men.” Ugh shes AMAZING!
I have been a huge fan of Chanel’s work for years, admiring her indomitable attitude. She speaks directly to high school students, in a language that is so effortlessly understood, no political or legal jargon needed.
This was a fabulous journey down misogyny lane. It was a perfect book. I was in utter and absolute shock after reading it, it taught me so much about sexism and misogyny and rape culture.. everyone - EVERYONE should read this book right now. It should be stocked on all the shelves at every primary and secondary school.
It is only through learning and engaging in this iconic pieces of literature that we CAN change the culture of sexism that perpetuates sexual assault and violence against women.
Another bonus - the writing is beautiful and big, so not only can people sitting behind you read it as well, but it is so nice on the eyes to not be holding the book awkwardly to see the words.
My favourite quote is “all men suffer from the actions of bad men.” Ugh shes AMAZING!
January 1, 2024
Read this book.
You do not have to agree with everything written in this book, but you do need to come with an open mind, a willingness to learn and to be challenged.
Heads up it is written in an extremely heteronormative way. Chanel acknowledges this. As a white, straight, cis-woman this book resinated with me. So I do need to acknowledge my privilege here.
However, I feel as though everyone will get something out of this book. You should feel uncomfortable, you should be reflective, you need to process a lot here. I haven’t ever felt so pessimistic and so optimistic simultaneously before.
I tried to read this slowly to properly digest what I was reading, but I think naturally I raced through this read for a few reasons - self reflection, learning and processing unresolved trauma is taxing. I had to force myself to stop after chapters and think deeply about the implications of what I had just read. I journaled, I paced the house, I reflected. Random moments that I hadn’t previously given thought popped into my head. I think we suppress a lot to protect ourselves and others. Also to protect our fragile sense of ‘am I good person?’
Thank you Chanel for writing this book. Thank you for the final chapter that I can share with my family (specifically my brothers and dad), my friends and future partners. Thank you for validating and articulating my deepest unthought thoughts. Thank you for challenging my misogynistic values, beliefs, thoughts, words and actions. Thank you for giving me this book.
Some things have never sat right with me and I feel seen and heard and understood on the pages in this book.
As a woman, an educator, a daughter, a sister, an aunty, a friend. As a human being living in our patriarchal society, thankyou.
You do not have to agree with everything written in this book, but you do need to come with an open mind, a willingness to learn and to be challenged.
Heads up it is written in an extremely heteronormative way. Chanel acknowledges this. As a white, straight, cis-woman this book resinated with me. So I do need to acknowledge my privilege here.
However, I feel as though everyone will get something out of this book. You should feel uncomfortable, you should be reflective, you need to process a lot here. I haven’t ever felt so pessimistic and so optimistic simultaneously before.
I tried to read this slowly to properly digest what I was reading, but I think naturally I raced through this read for a few reasons - self reflection, learning and processing unresolved trauma is taxing. I had to force myself to stop after chapters and think deeply about the implications of what I had just read. I journaled, I paced the house, I reflected. Random moments that I hadn’t previously given thought popped into my head. I think we suppress a lot to protect ourselves and others. Also to protect our fragile sense of ‘am I good person?’
Thank you Chanel for writing this book. Thank you for the final chapter that I can share with my family (specifically my brothers and dad), my friends and future partners. Thank you for validating and articulating my deepest unthought thoughts. Thank you for challenging my misogynistic values, beliefs, thoughts, words and actions. Thank you for giving me this book.
Some things have never sat right with me and I feel seen and heard and understood on the pages in this book.
As a woman, an educator, a daughter, a sister, an aunty, a friend. As a human being living in our patriarchal society, thankyou.
October 2, 2023
Confronting, but an absolute must-read and very readable. The content of this book is uncomfortable at times, but it needs to be- consent and all its intricacies can be difficult to talk about, and Contos challenges us to recognise and challenge our ingrained responses and beliefs, as well as the societal systems that enforce behaviours we may not recognise as non consensual/assault.
This book and it's content should absolutely have a place in secondary education, and even as an adult woman I found this a powerful and eye opening read. If you read one non-fiction book this year make it this one!
This book and it's content should absolutely have a place in secondary education, and even as an adult woman I found this a powerful and eye opening read. If you read one non-fiction book this year make it this one!
October 13, 2023
Hope this book gets read by those that need to read it. Stuff that lots of young women already know but I still learnt quite a few things too. Feel like it’s really within elite private school + privilege framework but I think that’s what the author wants to target anyway so fine but wonder if it would resonate with others. Very impressive lady nonetheless
January 1, 2024
For the women who are drawn towards this book, I do think it covers a lot of discourse on feminism and sexual violence that they may have already been exposed to- this is not to say I didn’t learn anything new. However, I do think this is a must - read for all men. Contos explores the nuances of the spectrum of sexual violence and importantly highlights how assault doesn’t have to be an irreparably damaging act for it to be wrong. She addresses misconceptions regarding victims responses/ behaviour after assault and the well-meaning yet self-centring reactions loved ones may provide. Contos is very empathetic towards all who suffer as a result of the lack of effective consent education in this culture and I feel that she does a very good job in encouraging accountability from perpetrators. I also liked the way she explored the different forms of accountability. The book explores a few other topics that feed rape culture, but I feel the introduction and the ending - that primarily focused on the core issue of consent - were the strongest parts of the book. I do think directly involving a diverse range of perspectives from sex workers would have added to Contos’ sections on sex work and pornography.
I agree that affirmative consent is an ongoing mutual agreement and requires all parties to address each other with respect and empathy. When people engage in this manner, they are more likely to pay attention to nuances in communication that suggest that a “yes” may be coming from a place of feeling (external or internal) pressure or perhaps they may recognise more ‘subtle’ forms of non-consent. Contos mentions that verbal consent is not the only way of ensuring affirmative consent and body language can also be used in interpretation of enthusiasm. However l think when speaking about body language as a way of recognising consent, it must also be communicated that body language can be misinterpreted (even within a respectful situation) or can also be perceived in the context of a fawn response.
It is impressive to see the amount of effort Contos is putting into ensuring the future of holistic consent education from a young age.
I agree that affirmative consent is an ongoing mutual agreement and requires all parties to address each other with respect and empathy. When people engage in this manner, they are more likely to pay attention to nuances in communication that suggest that a “yes” may be coming from a place of feeling (external or internal) pressure or perhaps they may recognise more ‘subtle’ forms of non-consent. Contos mentions that verbal consent is not the only way of ensuring affirmative consent and body language can also be used in interpretation of enthusiasm. However l think when speaking about body language as a way of recognising consent, it must also be communicated that body language can be misinterpreted (even within a respectful situation) or can also be perceived in the context of a fawn response.
It is impressive to see the amount of effort Contos is putting into ensuring the future of holistic consent education from a young age.
February 28, 2024
This is pretty much a required read in my opinion for every man. Even as a young progressive guy, without constant exposure to feminist lens', it can be easy to lose awareness of just how widespread these issues are.
I think the part that caught me the most off-guard is the section on Fawning, that being the response that many women have to perceived dangerous situations is that they will, rather than saying no and pulling themselves out of a situation, instead go along with whatever is happening for fear of what the consequences might be, should she instate boundaries. I think this issue in particular highlights why it is that men need to engage with these ideas because it is only by *everyone* becoming aware of how these scenarios actually play out, that is the difference between how they might appear on the surface vs what is going on in the mind of the people involved, can we make change happen.
In the spirit of the book I will also freely admit that there have been a couple of occasions when I can look back disappointedly at my behavior, but only by acknowledging those times and actually putting in the effort of thinking them through how you have made people feel, and what led to that scenario, can any improvement can be made, so I simply hope that other men can do the same.
I think the part that caught me the most off-guard is the section on Fawning, that being the response that many women have to perceived dangerous situations is that they will, rather than saying no and pulling themselves out of a situation, instead go along with whatever is happening for fear of what the consequences might be, should she instate boundaries. I think this issue in particular highlights why it is that men need to engage with these ideas because it is only by *everyone* becoming aware of how these scenarios actually play out, that is the difference between how they might appear on the surface vs what is going on in the mind of the people involved, can we make change happen.
In the spirit of the book I will also freely admit that there have been a couple of occasions when I can look back disappointedly at my behavior, but only by acknowledging those times and actually putting in the effort of thinking them through how you have made people feel, and what led to that scenario, can any improvement can be made, so I simply hope that other men can do the same.
August 14, 2025
I recommend that literally everyone in my life reads this, especially women. The most contemporary look at sex and relationships and how they are affected by sexism and capitalism. Read this and dump your shitty boyfriend.
December 23, 2023
Best book I have ever read. Everyone on the planet needs to read this book and then read it again. If they did I truly believe the world would be a better place.
September 19, 2024
This book was so eye opening, yes I knew a fair amount about consent before starting this book but seeing all the statistics next to it while reading was shocking to me. How women are 27 times more likely to get sexually assaulted than men or how a prison sentence for a man gets lowered (when he has killed his ex-girlfriend) just because she got over him quickly since our society sees it as a good excuse. He will get a sentence that fits the term manslaughter. However, if a woman kills her abuser (which is most likely when he’s not looking since it is one of the only times when she’s able to overpower him) she will be sentenced with first (or sometimes second) degree murder.
Chanel Contos has fought for making lessons on consent available in Australia. I think that The Netherlands needs to follow in their footsteps, if even just one person learns what consent is and will not accidentally sexually assault someone else (which, if uneducated, is pretty easy since you don’t know where the barriers lie) I will see it as a win. Every step counts, even the little ones.
4.5⭐️
Okeeeee, ik heb dit boek bijna een jaar geleden gelezen en ik denk er oprecht nog dagelijks aan en dat wilde ik graag even melden
oh en ik heb hier ook mn godsdienst verslag op gebaseerd!
Chanel Contos has fought for making lessons on consent available in Australia. I think that The Netherlands needs to follow in their footsteps, if even just one person learns what consent is and will not accidentally sexually assault someone else (which, if uneducated, is pretty easy since you don’t know where the barriers lie) I will see it as a win. Every step counts, even the little ones.
4.5⭐️
Okeeeee, ik heb dit boek bijna een jaar geleden gelezen en ik denk er oprecht nog dagelijks aan en dat wilde ik graag even melden
oh en ik heb hier ook mn godsdienst verslag op gebaseerd!
November 19, 2023
I seriously INHALED this book. I’d consider myself an avid reader of feminist and gender equity literature and can find sometimes that the tone and themes of the books quite similar or repetitive without necessarily posing newer takes/challenging any of my own feminist ideology. This book did, in a brilliant way. Chanel introduced me to some concepts I hadn’t considered in my own musings, and actually poses solutions that are plausible and tangible realities. A fantastic book that I’m already handing off to my partner and other people in my life as a “must-read”.
November 28, 2023
Brilliant book, clearly and intelligently explains just how endemic toxic masculinity is in our society, which then perpetuates violence. Genuinely terrifying to think of the men from my high school who assaulted women who are now in positions of power.
December 18, 2023
Anti porn, anti sex work drivel that harks back to the reductiveness of Dworkin. Takes quotes from interesting and fantastic feminist books like Right to Sex completely out of context. Give this one a miss and actually just read Right to Sex instead!
June 1, 2024
Easiest 5 star book I have read. This was such an informative and helpful book, I have learnt a lot about things I myself have done and things that have been done to me. It has made me very self conscious to what people around me do and say and has given me the confidence to talk about this topic more openly with the people I trust.
December 19, 2024
this needs to be essential reading in schools, communities, everywhere.
this book lays down the foundation of consent, sex and rape culture in Australia, and does so succinctly and to-the-point. it is a highly relevant read that I will recommend to anyone and everyone, because everyone can get something from it.
this book lays down the foundation of consent, sex and rape culture in Australia, and does so succinctly and to-the-point. it is a highly relevant read that I will recommend to anyone and everyone, because everyone can get something from it.
April 25, 2024
I feel somehow unequipped to adequately express my thoughts about this book and the issues raised. I do not, of course, mean to say that I disagree with the author. Far from it, in fact. Contos has written an impressive, incisive, challenging yet emotionally mature book about a very important and ongoing problem. It perfectly complements her 'Teach Us Consent' campaign, providing a loud call to attention for women, a call to action for parents and teachers (of both boys and girls of future generations), and a call to accountability, responsibility and empathy for men.
It was a hard book to read. For every time I thought to myself (with likely a misplaced sense of self-approval): "I'm glad I'm not one of these guys", there was another time where I found myself thinking : "Oh my God, I am/was guilty of this" or "How do I know I wouldn't have been like that, if circumstances were different and I wasn't married, if I wasn't such a shy and timid piece of shit, and had I ever been convinced that somehow men are entitled to sex and women's bodies.
Sidenote: While this book does predictably tick a number of boxes that would lead me, typically, to label it a left-wing book, I have decided not to put it on my "lefty-rubbish" shelf because at this point, issues surrounding consent, sexual equality and "rape culture" (read the book if the phrase still strikes you as startlingly dumb and exaggerated, as it once did for me) should not be a partisan political concern, but a human one.
It was a hard book to read. For every time I thought to myself (with likely a misplaced sense of self-approval): "I'm glad I'm not one of these guys", there was another time where I found myself thinking : "Oh my God, I am/was guilty of this" or "How do I know I wouldn't have been like that, if circumstances were different and I wasn't married, if I wasn't such a shy and timid piece of shit, and had I ever been convinced that somehow men are entitled to sex and women's bodies.
Sidenote: While this book does predictably tick a number of boxes that would lead me, typically, to label it a left-wing book, I have decided not to put it on my "lefty-rubbish" shelf because at this point, issues surrounding consent, sexual equality and "rape culture" (read the book if the phrase still strikes you as startlingly dumb and exaggerated, as it once did for me) should not be a partisan political concern, but a human one.
November 25, 2025
Cliches aside, I do truly believe that this is a book that everyone should read. It has highlighted the harsh and damning reality of the world we live in and how it enables men to treat women as, as referenced, not human. It has given me and will no doubt give many people, particularly men, not only a lot to reflect on but guidance in how how to act upon the realisations that come about after reading.
October 19, 2024
Woooo took me ages but finally got there in the end. Although a lot of the book covered and discussed topics and ideas I am
quite familiar with, I found it none the less validating, informative and conformational. I think that everyone should read this book, ESPECIALLY cis men and boys. I do think Contos discussed topics such as porn and sex work in ways some may not be ready for, so I think that going on with an open mind is sooo important. As important as reflecting upon and acknowledging the privileged elite context around much of the discussion of consent in the book. Overall SUCH AN IMPORTANT BOOK 🌟 READ IT 💖
quite familiar with, I found it none the less validating, informative and conformational. I think that everyone should read this book, ESPECIALLY cis men and boys. I do think Contos discussed topics such as porn and sex work in ways some may not be ready for, so I think that going on with an open mind is sooo important. As important as reflecting upon and acknowledging the privileged elite context around much of the discussion of consent in the book. Overall SUCH AN IMPORTANT BOOK 🌟 READ IT 💖
January 31, 2024
Covers a lot of material that most women would already be familiar with, but you never know which book will be someone’s introduction to this space so a bit of rehashing is never a bad thing. Definitely some new and thought provoking information in there too (I’m glad to put a name to ‘fawning’ behaviour).
Imo the biggest issue with this book is the limited perspective and almost complete disregard for intersectionality (first mentioned explicitly on page 224?!). There is a huge failure to address gender, class, sexuality, and particularly race in any meaningful way (especially when we consider that Indigenous Australians are 3x more likely to experience sexual violence). While sexual violence is clearly a gendered issue, leaving key interacting elements out of the discussion limits the impact of this book.
Despite these issues, I wish I could’ve read this when I was 15 (and I wish the boys around me could’ve read it too). Having this kind of language and education around informed consent is so desperately needed for young people and I am so grateful we have a champion in Chanel Contos.
P.S. I hope men read this book
Imo the biggest issue with this book is the limited perspective and almost complete disregard for intersectionality (first mentioned explicitly on page 224?!). There is a huge failure to address gender, class, sexuality, and particularly race in any meaningful way (especially when we consider that Indigenous Australians are 3x more likely to experience sexual violence). While sexual violence is clearly a gendered issue, leaving key interacting elements out of the discussion limits the impact of this book.
Despite these issues, I wish I could’ve read this when I was 15 (and I wish the boys around me could’ve read it too). Having this kind of language and education around informed consent is so desperately needed for young people and I am so grateful we have a champion in Chanel Contos.
P.S. I hope men read this book
February 8, 2024
An incredible resource of education for all ages. I wish I’d had this much earlier in life so that I could verbalise and understand what are now situations that I shouldn’t have been ok with.
October 28, 2025
shld b mandatory reading for everyone
December 31, 2023
Excellent. Chanel is a weapon, I hope everyone possible reads this. Thought provoking, intense, hard to accept but at the same time, so easy to digest, so relevant and important.
January 14, 2024
I wish I had this kind of advice as a teenager; but I also wish I could give it another star. Contas' writing is passionate and intelligent, but painfully naive and puritanical.
There are some great points here about putting the onus of young men to show empathy and compassion, and this is something that needs to be pursued very seriously; unfortunately, Contas' undercuts it all with her strangely outdated requirements for feminism - ignoring women's sexuality, being anti sex work, the "all p*rnography is bad" viewpoint with no insight into porn made by and for women, and a very naive conviction that ethical sex work can't exist; and making/ participating in/ watching *any* pornography is "an anti-feminist act".
Extending that argument - think about how many mainstream movies you've watched that were produced by Harvey Weinstein. We can't be *sure* that other movie producers aren't guilty of the same kind of crime; (of course they are) so is watching any movie an "anti-feminist act"?
This bizarre assertion really detracts from her message; and her "I won't accept a romantic partner who watches any porn" does not help with her assertion that she encourages "healthy" sexuality for women. Who's deciding what's "healthy" here? The colloquial modern 'snark' tone is annoying from any adult writer, and it couldn't be more out of place than in a book that's ostensibly for young men and boys.
All of this ends up detracting and diluting her most important points, and isn't helpful or particularly relevant to teaching consent to young straight men, and while we know that's the demographic that most needs consent education, the book is very heteronormative and ciscentric.
Contas' admiration for second wave radfems like Cath McKinnon and Andrea Dworkin (and, weirdly, right wing darling Naomi Wolf) are flat out odd. Outdated second wave feminism won't do anything to help improve consent culture in our internet 2.0 world, and all Contas' intersectionality comes across as lip service, belied by the books' SWERF & TERF tone.
TL: DR - the most important part actually relevant to improving consent culture is the very short chapter at the end titled 'Dear Boys and Men.' The rest is a report on epidemic misogynistic violence that any reader with interest in the subject will already be depressingly familiar with.
There are some great points here about putting the onus of young men to show empathy and compassion, and this is something that needs to be pursued very seriously; unfortunately, Contas' undercuts it all with her strangely outdated requirements for feminism - ignoring women's sexuality, being anti sex work, the "all p*rnography is bad" viewpoint with no insight into porn made by and for women, and a very naive conviction that ethical sex work can't exist; and making/ participating in/ watching *any* pornography is "an anti-feminist act".
Extending that argument - think about how many mainstream movies you've watched that were produced by Harvey Weinstein. We can't be *sure* that other movie producers aren't guilty of the same kind of crime; (of course they are) so is watching any movie an "anti-feminist act"?
This bizarre assertion really detracts from her message; and her "I won't accept a romantic partner who watches any porn" does not help with her assertion that she encourages "healthy" sexuality for women. Who's deciding what's "healthy" here? The colloquial modern 'snark' tone is annoying from any adult writer, and it couldn't be more out of place than in a book that's ostensibly for young men and boys.
All of this ends up detracting and diluting her most important points, and isn't helpful or particularly relevant to teaching consent to young straight men, and while we know that's the demographic that most needs consent education, the book is very heteronormative and ciscentric.
Contas' admiration for second wave radfems like Cath McKinnon and Andrea Dworkin (and, weirdly, right wing darling Naomi Wolf) are flat out odd. Outdated second wave feminism won't do anything to help improve consent culture in our internet 2.0 world, and all Contas' intersectionality comes across as lip service, belied by the books' SWERF & TERF tone.
TL: DR - the most important part actually relevant to improving consent culture is the very short chapter at the end titled 'Dear Boys and Men.' The rest is a report on epidemic misogynistic violence that any reader with interest in the subject will already be depressingly familiar with.
February 8, 2024
The first few and last few chapters of this book are the best as Contos starts and ends with some impressive aspirations about a more empathetic society where consent is not viewed as a transactional ‘event’ but rather a continuous state of being. I also appreciated the discussion of fawning as a survival response and the related limitations of the justice system.
I felt let down by various one-liners throughout the middle that seemed unfair, contradictory, empirically untrue or at least unsubstantiated. For example, I don’t agree that women are seldom turned on by a man’s body part in isolation because men are not objectified nor sexualised by women - and I don’t even think Contos believes this herself given that in the last chapter she acknowledges that women often make jokes about men’s height / size etc.
I was also a bit thrown by the ‘Men know how to act’ section where Contos says “It’s embarrassing for men that we keep pretending they are ignorant about what basic human decency looks like. Men are smarter than that and they do have the emotional capability to have confronting conversations”. Mere pages before this, I thought Contos took us through a compelling explanation about how most opportunistic rapists don’t understand what consent is, and lack empathy towards women because of how they’re socialised. I’m not saying this to justify the behaviour of men but to understand it and to propose solutions to the problem.
I might seem like I’m going out of my way to misunderstand Contos but I think if we want to come up with suitable solutions then we need to diagnose the problem correctly.
I felt let down by various one-liners throughout the middle that seemed unfair, contradictory, empirically untrue or at least unsubstantiated. For example, I don’t agree that women are seldom turned on by a man’s body part in isolation because men are not objectified nor sexualised by women - and I don’t even think Contos believes this herself given that in the last chapter she acknowledges that women often make jokes about men’s height / size etc.
I was also a bit thrown by the ‘Men know how to act’ section where Contos says “It’s embarrassing for men that we keep pretending they are ignorant about what basic human decency looks like. Men are smarter than that and they do have the emotional capability to have confronting conversations”. Mere pages before this, I thought Contos took us through a compelling explanation about how most opportunistic rapists don’t understand what consent is, and lack empathy towards women because of how they’re socialised. I’m not saying this to justify the behaviour of men but to understand it and to propose solutions to the problem.
I might seem like I’m going out of my way to misunderstand Contos but I think if we want to come up with suitable solutions then we need to diagnose the problem correctly.
July 3, 2024
first and foremost, i think everyone would benefit from reading this book.
that being said, it did take me over six months to get through this book. i very rarely say ‘get through’ when referring to reading a book, because i always enjoy the unique journey each one takes me on… but for this one, i really did have to grit my teeth and push through. not because it was a bad read at all, but because the topics the book so importantly covers - consent, r*pe culture, implicit patriarchal biases, women’s rights, and more - were incredible triggering. and while it made me feel heard and validated in my experiences and feelings of SA, it also opened up a lot of trauma and feelings of frustration about our society’s widely-held views of, and attitudes towards, women.
it does have quite a pessimistic tone to it, and by no means does it leave you feeling hopeful about the current state or future of consent education and r*pe culture. but i think that’s necessary. the author states it how it is, unashamedly calling acts out, demanding accountability, and giving us labels and vocabulary that women - and men - may have been conditioned not to acknowledge and/or use.
needless to say, i am very glad that i was brave enough to pick up and finish this book. i got a lot out of it.
that being said, it did take me over six months to get through this book. i very rarely say ‘get through’ when referring to reading a book, because i always enjoy the unique journey each one takes me on… but for this one, i really did have to grit my teeth and push through. not because it was a bad read at all, but because the topics the book so importantly covers - consent, r*pe culture, implicit patriarchal biases, women’s rights, and more - were incredible triggering. and while it made me feel heard and validated in my experiences and feelings of SA, it also opened up a lot of trauma and feelings of frustration about our society’s widely-held views of, and attitudes towards, women.
it does have quite a pessimistic tone to it, and by no means does it leave you feeling hopeful about the current state or future of consent education and r*pe culture. but i think that’s necessary. the author states it how it is, unashamedly calling acts out, demanding accountability, and giving us labels and vocabulary that women - and men - may have been conditioned not to acknowledge and/or use.
needless to say, i am very glad that i was brave enough to pick up and finish this book. i got a lot out of it.
November 16, 2023
4.5* very thought provoking. I did struggle a bit with the audiobook version as I find vocal fry hard to listen to. I’m not sure how completely generalisable the book is as some of the points raised are representative of Chanel’s experience going to an exclusive private school in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney. Eg not all women over 40 have had “work done” in the rest of Australia and the men she is referring to mostly go to exclusive boys schools. I also thought there may be some cherry picking of data to fit the view that made it feel like sexual assault is happening everywhere all of the time and it’s hard to find a partner who isn’t an entitled opportunist. That being said there were some excellent points raised about how culturally patriarchy really doesn’t help anyone and that if consent isn’t taught well we risk women and men not being aware of what actually constitutes sexual assault.
September 21, 2023
I read this in a day. It is exceptionally readable. I could imagine some people reading it getting frustrated or uncomfortable and wanting to put it down. If you do find yourself putting it down, ask a woman you know if what made you uncomfortable has happened to them.
I wish it had more strategies at the end, but the chapter for young men to read was very strong.
As parents, we need to stop letting our kids coerce us into buying ice creams or treats, because all young people need to hear and respect ‘no’s when they’re said to them.
I wish it had more strategies at the end, but the chapter for young men to read was very strong.
As parents, we need to stop letting our kids coerce us into buying ice creams or treats, because all young people need to hear and respect ‘no’s when they’re said to them.
October 23, 2023
This book was powerful, uncomfortable, searing, and important. Chanel demonstrates a clear case for consent education as the antidote to rape culture. She carefully explores the forces that allow rape culture to flourish and highlights how we have the power to change it (through education) !!!! I hope this book falls in the hands of those who need to read it. Ily Chanel
October 17, 2023
If I could give this book any more stars I would.
This truely encapsulates everything that it needs to regarding consent and misogyny. Contos delves into heavy topics with ease and helps uncover the deep rooted hate for women that coats the world that we live in.
An absolute MUST read.
This truely encapsulates everything that it needs to regarding consent and misogyny. Contos delves into heavy topics with ease and helps uncover the deep rooted hate for women that coats the world that we live in.
An absolute MUST read.
May 5, 2024
An emotional and life changing read. Politely asking every person in my life to read this book
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