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166 pages, Paperback
Published July 15, 2025
Present again, there in that space as all those thoughts: the images of my father so many years prior, the bleached and ravaged land of Tunisia and the thought of Hamed’s jacket, stitched and restitched, re-patterned and reformed, all receded into the depths of my mind and upwards from beneath time’s black water, through the unending greyness from over the whitish and shorn hills and through the mist of spring rains, I appeared but only for a short period of time before I vanished again beneath the distant and echoing words of another elsewhere.
...
In this pendulous movement, from the daintiest of threads, between
absence and presence, between voice and erasure, I am reminded of people and spaces, names and dates, all as words to which I listened. And now, like those distant and ancient spirits from the East who once moved above gardens as ghostly stewards of the birds and the trees, I am free to float back through them. Floating so silently, without ever having to utter a word. Only to inspect, once more, those who lingered on the sharp edge of a shattering scream and a heavy silence before being erased forever by the dark clouds of oblivion...
I saw her as a little girl, who when she talked had to shake her head to still her thoughts, and who knew the stories so well of her mother and of her father. The same such stories that, over the years, have proliferated in me, and latched onto me; ones, as happens sometimes, that I cannot tear myself from; I cannot escape, no, they remain, even now, tangled in me and essentially so, as if they inexplicably sustain the very mechanism that causes each foot, each day to move in front of the other, and each breath to pull in only, at last, to release again.
When I think back to It, or rather when the images resurface in me thoughtlessly, the disturbance I felt at seeing the towers I now know related less to the immediate structural nature of them and more to the looming symbolism of refuge, endless corridors and hidden lives consigned to the silently suffocating margins of this world. The feelings of imposition and silence, more cognate than we think, are ones that have haunted me since and continue to, even now. I believe that this nauseate moment as a young boy was the source of these sparring powers that have beleaguered my thinking since.
Without admitting too much, Margaret was trying to express to me both that words are never enough to understand the entirety of a thing: pieces are left out or forgotten and the weight and intensity of the reality pales under the infirmity of words. Words are often not enough for the speaker either; not only as a tool of expression but also as a means of making sense of the object of expression. In speaking, the insensible is often rendered into further insensibility and the chaotic is given only a brief form that ultimately remains incomprehensible.
After some time frozen in that odd position, Margaret slowly sharpened upwards again like a burgeoning stalk and disappeared into another room for many minutes. I remained alone, devoid of clear thought, as in me a number of distorted fragments attempted to assemble into something linear but found themselves repeatedly unable. An immense noise eddied in me, stirring that which was dormant and concealed. As I tried to still the motion, distilling the vast, rapidly turning collage into static and individual images in order to tether together the untethered, I found my mind lapsing into the same guiltless paralysis I experienced when sat alone at the wake, watching drunken mourners weep and embrace on a dance floor, and when a photographer beckoned to me and snapped a picture with a bright flash that both momentarily and everlastingly blinded me to that which had unravelled behind me, as well as to all that lay ahead.