The Opposite of Settling: How to Get Everything You Want Out of Love and Life Without Losing Your Spark

by Case Kenny

Forget settling or “settling down”—you deserve a love that upgrades every aspect of your life. A love that empowers you to get hotter, happier, and more fulfilled . . . together.

The host of the podcast New Mindset, Who Dis? helps you find a partnership that fills your life with “can you believe we did that?” moments, where “let’s book a flight and go” is as common as “I love you.”

Are you looking for a love that offers you clarity, not confusion? Does it feel like love has gotten too complicated? Does the sea of dating rules and expectations make you feel overwhelmed?

Case Kenny, host of the New Mindset, Who Dis? podcast and author of That’s Bold of You, brings you The Opposite of Settling—a blend of practical mindfulness, evidence-based research, and undiluted optimism—to help you find a love that expands your world. Case guides you toward finding and building a relationship that empowers you to be independent, vibrant, and in love. The book offers you the tools

Navigate the complexities of modern dating with confidence and an unbothered mindset Find a connection that feels like home yet pushes you toward a fuller and more vibrant lifeRecognize and attract relationships that elevate your life instead of weighing or “settling” you downLet go of fear-based dating habits and find a love that enhances your sense of independence
The Opposite of Settling isn’t just about finding someone; it's about finding more of yourself in the process. Case’s concept of “settling up” (the opposite of “settling down”) offers an energizing affirmation of love, leaving you feeling lighter, unburdened of rules and expectations, and on the path to finding a relationship where you both look at each other and think, "Yup, that's my kind of weird.”

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Relationships, Personal Growth, Psychology, Romance

272 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 19, 2025

Reviews

[Cara]

Does this author get paid by the word, or what? Every single thing he says, he has to say at least five times in a row, and then give a bunch of redundant examples. These are not complex concepts. Even skimming, it’s really starting to drive me nuts.

…

All right, I give up. DNF

[Nicholas Moryl · Rating 2 out of 5]

There’s a few good ideas here, but the book is maddeningly repetitive. It could be a third of the length without losing anything—and would in fact be much improved.

It’s a shame, because the core messages are quite good. They’re just not presented well.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book had a bunch of quotable quotes and introduced some interesting lenses to think about what a strong relationship can look like. Kenny’s thesis is that rather than “settling down,” you should “settle up” into a relationship that enhances your life and “brings joy rather than relief” and “clarity, not confusion.”

At times, he seemed to be writing from the perspective of someone with fear of commitment/avoidant attachment, which is different than the perspective of someone with a scarcity mindset (I imagine the latter might comprise a larger share of his readership), but there were some interesting overlaps. It’s a little hard to be told not to settle when none of us really has any guarantee there is something better out there, but I liked his metaphor of a highway that always has another exit coming up anyway.

Kenny encourages his readers to be honest with ourselves, lean into what makes us unique, and let go of what doesn’t align. He emphasizes a “perfect love for an imperfect person” and defines “soulmate” as “someone who helps you break free from patterns,” which was an interesting, growth-focused angle. He reminds us that relationships can make us feel more lonely than actually being alone, and celebrates the willingness to be open and kind (with some nice framing that “loneliness is proof that your innate search for connection is still intact”). There are also some good reminders that relationships that end are explorations of compatibility rather than measures of your value.

This book had its hokey moments (and wasn’t exactly revolutionary), but I still found it to be helpful and thought-provoking and am glad I read it!

[Anna · Rating 2 out of 5]

It’s decent content but nothing new or that I don’t already think. Just validation over and over again. Like someone else said- this guys sort of just repeats himself over and over.

[Jason · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has helped me take an honest look at how I show up in relationships. I just finished it, but I am already planning to go back through it and take my time. Highly recommend. Especially if you're at a transition point in a relationship.

[*Layali* · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like the premise and the motivation behind what the author is trying to convey, but this was terribly repetitive throughout most of the book. Overall, it was fine.

[Nikki14 · Rating 1 out of 5]

Meandering nonsense.

I have never read so many words that say nothing.

[Roni Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5

[Maureen Seitz · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was my first audiobook and first self-help book in a while, and I picked a good one! I related to a lot of Case's thoughts and found myself scribbling down notes to remember in the future. I would recommend this to any single 30-something.

[Valerie Patterson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Will definitely read again!!!!

[Sio · Rating 3 out of 5]

First finish of 2026. I think my expectations for this were higher than what I encountered.

Overall I like this and it does give you a lot of context with solidly referenced research to support it. It is easy to read and remember things, which is what made it such a pleasant journey.

The only downside, to me at least, was the fact that the writing style felt very repetitive. The author would frequently mention the same thing time after time to make a point and underpin their goal of the chapter but after a while it just started to annoy me. It felt like someone was lecturing me on life. Also, you have quotes in between that serve the same purpose.

Again, would recommend it but not as a top read, just as a side quest if you need something to fill your time.

[Evie Daines · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book very useful in a time of navigating the dating market as well.
Although there was a lot of repetition throughout the book, there is a lot of self-help talk which I wouldn’t say typically appears in your usual readings.
I also found myself actively pausing and thinking about different scenarios and using the prompts, which I very rarely do when reading self-help as I tend to just enjoy the flow of thoughts.
I would prefer some more bullet point summaries rather than conversational.

[Vijeta · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to this as an audiobook. Just hearing Case’s soothing voice makes it wonderful to read as audio. He provides so many insights about everything - dating, finding yourself and being true to oneself. I liked the journal prompts that made me think about my life and the suggestions to be “unbothered” and uniquely you. It was a great read. 100% recommend listening to it! The only reason I didn’t give it 5 stars was because he repeats a lot of the same stuff over again. Which is great to really hammer it in to your mind but also makes it repetitive.

[Sebastián · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love Case's thoughts. I've followed him on Instagram for a while, and consumed his podcast. The things he says are genuinely life changing...

But this book is ridiculously repetitive. The amount of times I read something just to realize that he said the exact same thing a couple paragraphs ago is overly frustrating. This book could be so much shorter if it had been proofread for redundance... seriously.

This is a great book, but it's one to be read quite fast if you don't want to dwell over how two sentences back to back say the exact same thing, just backwards.

[Dani · Rating 3 out of 5]

You can feel the author’s sincerity and heart in this book, and there are some lovely concepts presented. However, it’s a difficult read given that it’s poorly written, extremely repetitive, and lacks structure. You don’t actually finish the book knowing how to find a relationship where you’re not settling. There isn’t a roadmap for finding it or recognizing it, though there are tips buried in the text along the way. Despite it being difficult to read with this writing style, overall I enjoyed it. He’s a guy I could definitely have a cup of coffee with and raw honest conversation.

[Sojel Singh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes I loved this one. I just went through this with a guy who was emotional unavailable. I did end it. I’m glad I did. Glad it wasn’t serious enough that feelings were too involved. I did observe him the last two weeks and I had a feeling he want going to step up. He wasn’t initiating dates or phone calls and my best friend makes more effort than he did. Im open to love where I feel valued! Thank you, next!

[Nicki Hinkle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is perfect for those who feel they’re not getting back as much as they’re putting into personal relationships.

Remember your worth. You are amazing and if someone doesn’t make you feel that way, they are not “for you” and you should untether yourselves. Preferably before any further damage to the relationship or the humans occurs.

DO NOT SETTLE. There is a lid for every Tupperware container. FIND YOUR MATCH!

#somebodybettermatchyourfreak

[Bayu Ahmad · Rating 5 out of 5]

I like how the book helps demystify core concepts surrounding love and romance, such as what soulmate(s) means and the ultimate goal of a romantic partnership. The book can indeed be repetitive, but I do think it works for this type of content where repetition helps reinforce/reframe ideas in your brain.

[maddy · Rating 4 out of 5]

it felt very “is this fucking play about us sometimes” in a sense of i already live my life this way so it didn’t really apply to me as much as i thought, but! i do think it would benefit people who maybe don’t have a lot of faith when it comes to love and living your life with a more optimistic mindset (this is not to say i am not depressed, because those two facts coexist for me and my life)

[Kimberley · Rating 5 out of 5]

Jillian Tureki got me onto Case and I waited eagerly for his book. His view on being the silly, witty, authentic human that you are was a beautiful message and gave me hope that my person is out there. And his lessons in building confidence and enjoying YOUR life are important when you live in a world where everyone’s life looks a little too perfect.

[Sydney Ward · Rating 2 out of 5]

I should have known this wouldn't be very good when he acknowledged that he is a straight white man writing about love. I think the target audience for this book is men because most of this was redundant for me. it was also extremely cringe when he quoted his most liked Instagram post, reddits' opinion on love, and Dr. who's opinion.

[Amy Richardson · Rating 4 out of 5]

There were parts of the book that were incredibly healing for me and I so appreciate that. It also helped me increase gratitude for the things I’ve learned in past relationships. I will say… around 60% through this book it starts to get repetitive and I found myself skimming the pages.

[Sade Nelson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Omg! Omg! When I say this book is as close to the Atomic Habits as you get, I mean just that. I haven’t given a book a 5-star rating in a while. Mr. Kenny really put his all into this book. The first two chapters were a bit slow, but chapters 3 and beyond were interesting and informative. I couldn’t get enough. This is definitely my favorite book this year.

[Tamara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good points and examples but pretty repetitive…

[Amanda Dinkelman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love the sentiment and the message. It is rather repetitive, but sometimes it takes repeating to get things to stick in your brain.

[Hannah Strauss · Rating 3 out of 5]

Audiobook

[Alina Kasparsons · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars - read this as an audiobook

[Laura Viggiano · Rating 1 out of 5]

I tried but he says that same thing soooo many times that I didn’t see the point of wasting more time on it.

[Jorelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked the earlier chapters a lot. Later chapters felt redundant and was just added to pad the books length.

[Anandi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quite an informative read with easy to follow tips.