The Ladies' Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness

by Hartley

Florence Hartley's insightful etiquette guide was first published in 1860, and yet her witty and useful advice on behaving like a lady often still rings true down the ages

What should you do if you notice a stranger's dress is tucked up at the back? What are you meant to say if you are offered food you don't like at a dinner party? And what ought you to wear if you're invited to a ball? If these questions baffle you, fear not, for help is at hand with this beautiful, nostalgic guide. You don't need to live in the 19th century to agree that it is rude to finish someone else's jokes. Whatever the situation, you'd would like to know how to be as ladylike as possible when seasick or the best color schemes for bridesmaids' dresses, this thorough and wide-ranging book will provide sensible and succinct guidance, as well as shed light into life in the 19th century. Did you know that you could spot a lady who had laced her corset too tightly from the lack of circulation making her nose go red? This beautiful guide also contains sections on how to behave at a hotel, conduct in the street, letter writing, and table etiquette.

Genres: Nonfiction, History, Self Help, Classics, Reference, Research, 19th Century

256 pages, Paperback

First published April 1, 1860

Reviews

[Hana · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am now the proud owner of a first edition of this book, published in Boston in 1875. On page 68 (the chapter about "Visiting") I found a carefully cut out column from a very, very old newspaper, apparently used as a bookmark.

At first, I wondered if the lady who had made it all the way to Chapter VII was planing a journey. There were listings for railway departures to Atlantic City, Cape May, Sea Isle City and Ocean City and an advertisement from the Phila. & Reading Ry. boasting "Engines Burn Hard Coal--No Smoke" followed by a time table for trains to New York.

But then I turned the newspaper clipping over and the poem I found gave me this tantalizing clue about why so many, many years ago, a young woman who lived in Boston might have started reading this book, and then perhaps, set it aside. Here is the first verse of five:

I've jest come here a-visitin' my daughter f'r a spell;
She lives upon an "anvenoo" 'n talks of bein' "swell".
We al'ays called her Susan Jane, but here t'me says she:
"I'm 'Mrs. James Delancy Smythe'--that's so high-toned y'see.
Somehow, it seems t''ve turned her head t' come down here 'n' live,
'N' talkin' of her country home's a thing she won't f'rgive,
That she's almost ashamed of me--'n' I'm her mother, too.

The book itself provides an interesting window into late 19th century manners. It is full of sensible advice, some of which is still useful: "A lady is never so well dressed as when you cannot remember what she wears", "Do not be too submissive to the dictates of fashion", "with the simplest materials, harmony of color, accurate fitting...and perfect neatness, she will always appear well dressed". Miss Hartley advises that one's feet should always be tidy...I wonder what she would think of flip-flops!

On conversation: "The art of conversation consists in the exercise of two fine qualities. You must originate, and you must sympathize; you must possess at the same time the habit of communicating and of listening attentively. The union is rare but irresistible. None but an excessively ill-bred person will allow her attention to wander from the person with whom she is conversing..."

On dinner company: "The greatest tact is displayed where the hostess makes each guest feel perfectly at ease. She will aid her husband both in leading and supporting the conversation and will see that no guest is left in silence from want of attention."

On conduct in the street: "If you wish to take an omnibus or car, see that it is not already full. If it is, do not get in. You will annoy other, and be uncomfortable yourself. It is best to carry change to pay [the fare], as you keep others waiting whilst the driver is making change, and it it apt to fall into the straw when passing from one hand to another...In taking your place in an omnibus or car, do so quietly, and then sit perfectly still. Do not change your place or move restlessly. Make room for others if you see that the opposite side is full." "Loud talking and laughing in the streets are excessively vulgar."

On accomplishments: "The young lady who comes modestly forward, when called upon as a performer, would cease to please, were she for an instant, to assume the air and confidence of a professional musician...there is an effort and a dash, which disgust in the lady who has bad taste enough to assume them."

It was a full-time job learning to be a lady in 1876!

[Simone Ramone · Rating 4 out of 5]

Simultaneously fascinating and terrifying.

As I read this, I often found myself comparing these incredibly detailed instructions with many of my ordinary 2018 behaviours.
For example, how I treat my low bred Irish servants, the topics of acceptable conversation at breakfast and the quality of my mourning clothes.

For some reason, I pictured the author as a cross between Lady Catherine De Bourgh and Margaret Whitlam. Dictatorial, yet genuine and full of common sense.

Should I ever find myself transported back in time to 1860, I could now probably make it through a smallish breakfast engagement before being socially ostracized or arrested.

[Prose And Petticoats]

"Observation, reading, and study, will form the groundwork for good powers of conversation, and the more you read, study, and see, the more varied and interesting will be your topics."

[Hanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Relaxing, enjoyable read for the old-fashioned at heart.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

What an interesting read. There are some very insightful looks in to the past. Some make you wish for the days of yore when common courtesy and manners were expected. Other advice makes you very grateful for the 21st century.

[Shara Vitone · Rating 4 out of 5]

A delightful glimpse into 19th century etiquette. Despite being published over 150 years ago this book still offers useful advice and is proof that a little common courtesy and good manners never go out of style.

[Allison S · Rating 4 out of 5]

Whispering 🚫
Talking about yourself 🚫
Wine at dinner 🚫
Addressing men by first name 🚫
Hair dye ("dirty decoction") 🚫

Being called an ill-bred woman ✅

I still enjoyed reading this LOL

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was first published in 1860 so it is obvious that it is outdated by now. However it was fun to compare the strict rules of Etiquette from then to the way of living now and some points made are for sure still valid today.

[Heather dennis · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not as funny as the gentleman's guide to etiquette.

I did nearly die of laughter when the book had to make a special point not to suck on the end of your parasol while strolling down the street.

However theres a few sections I think people may like for things other than etiquette.

In the section that talks about achievements at the end it goes into a lot of detail about knitting and crocheting. Mainly about different popular types of garments and the popular way to knit them. So if you want some info on period piece knitting this is a good reference.

At the end of the book there is a "receipts" section. Despite how it sounds its instructions for different health care products for the time and how to make them yourself. So also if you are interested in Victorian era products this is a good area to reference.

[NeuroDicey HomeschoolLife · Rating 1 out of 5]

Have you ever wondered if you should acknowledge your servant's existence at a dinner party? Do you think you are being too lenient with your servants by doing things for yourself when they are sick, or by letting them see their newborn infants? This book will answer all your questions as you sit on the porch drinking sweet tea while watching the slaves work your fields.

[Kathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Absolutely delightful! A real glimpse into the mores and attitudes of 19th century upper-crust America. I admit I skimmed the recipes for various toiletries. The attitudes toward servants and others of "lower class" were fascinating, if a bit disturbing.

[Amber Hardisty · Rating 3 out of 5]

A fun slice of History.

[Loulou · Rating 4 out of 5]

I bought this book as the perfect souvenir from 'Chatsworth House' in England [sometimes known in movies as 'Pemberley']
What ever else should I read about after visiting that fine establishment but how a lady should conduct herself in polite society?
Enjoyed the book immensely and have always wanted a collection of notes on the established rules for correct manners, dress, deportment and conversation during dinners, carriage rides, street promenades and balls.
Very thorough, with its attention to detail: At the dinner table, "avoid leaning back lazily in your chair" and "do not blow your soup. Wait until it cools."
And there is also; "avoid crossing a ballroom alone and never run, even if you wish to cross it quickly.""While you maintain a cheerful deportment, avoid loud talking and laughing, and still more carefully, avoid any action or gesture that may attract attention and make you conspicuous."
One really cannot beat the English for putting together great expressions through the use of verbosity.

[Phoebe · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone with a highly romanticised view of the world, and a love for antiquated etiquette, I greatly enjoyed this book. It offers a wonderful look into the social expectations and mishaps of the nineteenth century, and - at times - affords one a slight giggle at a few of the do's and don't's.

Some of the chapters - namely those on marriage and courting - did not feel relevant at all to myself, however to others at the 'marriage' point in their lives, I'm sure there may be a few pointers (or even just brief tidbits of history one might find interesting!).

Sections such as those on letter writing and hosting remain somewhat relevant today, and there are certainly some aspects I will strive to take on board and apply to my own twenty-first century life.

All in all, an interesting read - definitely a must for those with a love and appreciation of the older things in life.

[Tricia · Rating 5 out of 5]

When read as a window into the past and a guide to glean modern principles of politeness, this book is a fabulous read. I actually learned a ton, and Mrs. Hartley's style sometimes had me laughing out loud.

[Alexandra Chauran · Rating 5 out of 5]

Holy lead makeup, Batman, use caution when choosing recipes from this book! However, this book was utterly fascinating. It's amazing how many cultural niceties are still relevant, juxtaposed with interesting archaic acts and artifacts.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting fun read. Great insight into American society in the 1860’s. Some advice still applicable today. ‘..Therefore avoid saying upon paper what you would not say with your tongue.’ Swap paper with social media as advice for today’s generation.

[Kit Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enjoyed it

I love reading about the old manners and customs. I wish I had morning calls to make and balls to plan.

[Big H · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good information. I feel like some of the ideas presented could be repackaged for both genders for modern times--good etiquette is important for everyone at every time.

[Kamryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was very helpful in my Victorian research, especially since it was written in the era. It does tend to be redundant, but the kindle version is free and it's good to keep on hand.

[Zoe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really interesting read.

[Anna Rodnishcheva · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesting and kind book

[Susanna Ives]

Used for researching Victorian travel.

http://susannaives.com/wordpress/2020...

[Liv Gomes · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fun to read! About 50% of this was still relevant and 50% wasn't. Learned a little and had fun reading about how things have changed.

[Maria Grecea · Rating 2 out of 5]

I almost felt as though I was reading fiction, though unfortunately this was the reality of many at one point. I can't hold it against the book since I knew going in that I would not agree with the points it makes but I was still interested enough to keep on reading. If you're also curious about the topic I would recommend it- I rate based on my enjoyment rather than the worth or objective quality of the novel and I can't say this was particularly fun, though I don't think anyone is going in with that expectation.

[J Blondie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Interesting

It’s very interesting to see what was expected of women and how much of it I was still taught as a child being that I was born in 1981. I found a word used in location 2690 “scurf”; this word was used by my late grandfather. I never heard anyone besides him and my mother use it. In conversations over the years with various friends, they had never heard the word. So, to see it written in a book, especially one written about etiquette made me smile. It brought back memories.

[Elizabeth Camacho · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book, originally published in 1860, has managed to call me poor, pretentious, well bred, and ill bred, all at the same time. A worthy read for anyone who loves the mid-Victorian era. I'm not the greatest fan of the way it's laid out, but that could very well just be a problem with the edition I have.

[S.]

From now on, I will use the phrase "consumption-seeker" to refer to that group of lovely Sheffielders in strapless frocks and shorts loitering outside Aslan's Kebab at 10pm in the middle of December.

[Az H · Rating 4 out of 5]

some parts of this book (like ballroom etiquette and how to keep you handkerchiefs and collars new looking) are 99% useless now but many many many parts were so important and useful in daily life; regardless of gender, despite the title.

[Jocelyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well thanks, etiquette book. "Avoid lounging attitudes, they are indelicate, except in your own private apartment. Nothing but ill health will excuse them before company, and a lady had better keep her room if she is too feeble to sit up in the drawing-room."