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Intimacy: A field guide to finding connection and feeling your deep desires – with foreword from Gillian Anderson
"A vital contribution to our understanding of intimacy both on screen and in life." Gillian Anderson | An Evening Standard 'Book to Watch' for 2025
From the initial spark of attraction when your eyes first meet, to spontaneously dancing together in the kitchen and falling asleep side by side - how do we create those intimate moments of connection?
As a pioneering Intimacy Coordinator, Ita O’Brien has choreographed some of the most groundbreaking, passionate and vulnerable intimate scenes onscreen. From Normal People to I May Destroy You, and in so many more productions, she has also made these scenes safer, more joyful and more empowering to perform in. No one knows intimacy, the power of true connection, better than her.
So, what can her work teach us about our own relationships, both with ourselves and others? How can we use her tools to discover what it is that we truly want in our intimate lives? And how can all of this create environments in which intimacy can take seed, grow and even thrive?
Combining embodied wisdom, behind-the-scenes stories and exercises for connection, Intimacy offers us a field guide to discovering our desires, communicating our needs, and cultivating truly intimate relationships at every stage of our lives.
From the initial spark of attraction when your eyes first meet, to spontaneously dancing together in the kitchen and falling asleep side by side - how do we create those intimate moments of connection?
As a pioneering Intimacy Coordinator, Ita O’Brien has choreographed some of the most groundbreaking, passionate and vulnerable intimate scenes onscreen. From Normal People to I May Destroy You, and in so many more productions, she has also made these scenes safer, more joyful and more empowering to perform in. No one knows intimacy, the power of true connection, better than her.
So, what can her work teach us about our own relationships, both with ourselves and others? How can we use her tools to discover what it is that we truly want in our intimate lives? And how can all of this create environments in which intimacy can take seed, grow and even thrive?
Combining embodied wisdom, behind-the-scenes stories and exercises for connection, Intimacy offers us a field guide to discovering our desires, communicating our needs, and cultivating truly intimate relationships at every stage of our lives.
- GenresNonfictionSelf Help
361 pages, Kindle Edition
Published June 5, 2025
20 people are currently reading
255 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 30 reviews
November 5, 2025
This book wasn't really like what I expected after seeing the cover and reading the description. I'm not saying I didn't like or enjoy it, I did, but there were just some things that didn't really click with me. For example, the body/physical exercises we're supposed to (or, actually, could) do, and the many film references. The movie and series references were actually good for examples, but since I haven't seen most of them, I felt a bit detached. Maybe there were just too many references overall. Either way, it's an okay book. Slightly misleading based on the title and description, but not bad at all.
June 5, 2025
I enjoyed this book but it’s more of a self help book how to deal with intimacy
As a pioneering Intimacy Coordinator, Ita O’Brien has choreographed some of the most groundbreaking, passionate and vulnerable intimate scenes onscreen. From Normal People to I May Destroy You, and in so many more productions, she has also made these scenes safer, more joyful and more empowering to perform in. No one knows intimacy, the power of true connection, better than her.
So, what can her work teach us about our own relationships, both with ourselves and others? How can we use her tools to discover what it is that we truly want in our intimate lives? And how can all of this create environments in which intimacy can take seed, grow and even thrive?
Combining embodied wisdom, behind-the-scenes stories and exercises for connection, Intimacy offers us a field guide to discovering our desires, communicating our needs, and cultivating truly intimate relationships at every stage of our lives.
As a pioneering Intimacy Coordinator, Ita O’Brien has choreographed some of the most groundbreaking, passionate and vulnerable intimate scenes onscreen. From Normal People to I May Destroy You, and in so many more productions, she has also made these scenes safer, more joyful and more empowering to perform in. No one knows intimacy, the power of true connection, better than her.
So, what can her work teach us about our own relationships, both with ourselves and others? How can we use her tools to discover what it is that we truly want in our intimate lives? And how can all of this create environments in which intimacy can take seed, grow and even thrive?
Combining embodied wisdom, behind-the-scenes stories and exercises for connection, Intimacy offers us a field guide to discovering our desires, communicating our needs, and cultivating truly intimate relationships at every stage of our lives.
May 30, 2025
A thoughtful and compassionate guide to deepening emotional and relational connection. Intimacy: A Field Guide to Finding Connection and Feeling Your Deep Desires offers a refreshing take on what it means to build intimacy, moving beyond the typical focus on romantic or sexual relationships. The author invites readers to explore intimacy as a practice rooted in presence, honesty and vulnerability.
What I appreciated most was the accessible and inclusive language. The book avoids assumptions and allows space for readers to define intimacy in their own terms. The reflective prompts were particularly useful, encouraging genuine self-exploration and helping me consider what I truly want from connection.
I gave four stars instead of five because some parts felt slightly repetitive, and I would have liked a broader range of examples or experiences to reflect different perspectives. That said, this is still a valuable and insightful read for anyone looking to strengthen their relationships and connect more deeply with themselves and others.
What I appreciated most was the accessible and inclusive language. The book avoids assumptions and allows space for readers to define intimacy in their own terms. The reflective prompts were particularly useful, encouraging genuine self-exploration and helping me consider what I truly want from connection.
I gave four stars instead of five because some parts felt slightly repetitive, and I would have liked a broader range of examples or experiences to reflect different perspectives. That said, this is still a valuable and insightful read for anyone looking to strengthen their relationships and connect more deeply with themselves and others.
June 5, 2025
Thank you to Ebury Publishing, Penguin Random House, Ebury Press, the author and NetGalley for DRC in return for an honest review
This is a very strange book. One that isn't easily categorised. On various websites its genre has been defined as 'Health, Mind & Body', 'Nonfiction (Adult)', 'Romance', 'Television (Books)' and 'Marriage & Relationships'. It seems to be an odd hybrid of part Self-help book and part memoir.
In recent years, a new role has opened up within the Arts, that of Intimacy Co-Ordinator. What the heck does that mean? you ask. Well following in the wake of #MeToo and #TimesUp the entertainment sector has stepped up to try and make intimate scenes more comfortable and less intimidating for the actors involved. This job title may make people snigger but it has actually been a welcomed role by those in the business. In the past many actors especially females felt they were being exploited on set. The role of an Intimacy Co-Ordinator is now intrinsic to a modern day working enviroment. Advocating for the actors, ensuring consent and setting protocols. There is so much time and effort put into choreographing fight and dance scenes, surely it's a no-brainer that the same care and attention should be taken for those more intimate scenes as well.
Ita O’Brien is considered a pioneer in the evolution of the emerging field of Intimacy Co-ordination for stage and screen in recent years. Her most noteworthy productions being 'Normal People' (BBC/Hulu), 'I may destroy you' (BBC/HBO) and 'Sex Education' (Netflix).
O'Brien suggests that the information and advice she gives to onscreen couples could also translate over to couples in real life. While she doesn’t actually offer relationship advice directly to couples, she believes her work equips people with the language, awareness and tools to build more ethical, consensual, and emotionally safe relationships. Whilst I would say this book is essential reading for those within the acting profession, as it offers clear guidance on how to handle intimate scenes with care, I would advise those seeking marriage guidance to look elsewhere.
#Intimacy #NetGalley
This is a very strange book. One that isn't easily categorised. On various websites its genre has been defined as 'Health, Mind & Body', 'Nonfiction (Adult)', 'Romance', 'Television (Books)' and 'Marriage & Relationships'. It seems to be an odd hybrid of part Self-help book and part memoir.
In recent years, a new role has opened up within the Arts, that of Intimacy Co-Ordinator. What the heck does that mean? you ask. Well following in the wake of #MeToo and #TimesUp the entertainment sector has stepped up to try and make intimate scenes more comfortable and less intimidating for the actors involved. This job title may make people snigger but it has actually been a welcomed role by those in the business. In the past many actors especially females felt they were being exploited on set. The role of an Intimacy Co-Ordinator is now intrinsic to a modern day working enviroment. Advocating for the actors, ensuring consent and setting protocols. There is so much time and effort put into choreographing fight and dance scenes, surely it's a no-brainer that the same care and attention should be taken for those more intimate scenes as well.
Ita O’Brien is considered a pioneer in the evolution of the emerging field of Intimacy Co-ordination for stage and screen in recent years. Her most noteworthy productions being 'Normal People' (BBC/Hulu), 'I may destroy you' (BBC/HBO) and 'Sex Education' (Netflix).
O'Brien suggests that the information and advice she gives to onscreen couples could also translate over to couples in real life. While she doesn’t actually offer relationship advice directly to couples, she believes her work equips people with the language, awareness and tools to build more ethical, consensual, and emotionally safe relationships. Whilst I would say this book is essential reading for those within the acting profession, as it offers clear guidance on how to handle intimate scenes with care, I would advise those seeking marriage guidance to look elsewhere.
#Intimacy #NetGalley
April 21, 2025
Review copy from NetGalley.
A bit of a mixed bag here, we have anecdotes from O'Brien working on sets as a performer and as an intimacy co-ordinator, which I enjoyed. There are also sections about female sexuality and debunking myths around arousal, which I have read before in other books, but I still think that this is helpful information. There are a lot of sections that unfortunately, are pure psuedoscience that are presented as fact. I had to roll my eyes at some of the exercises in here, it's just not my kind of thing at all.
On the plus side, O'Brien devotes the last section to sexuality in older people, an often ignored part of life, which I appreciated.
A bit of a mixed bag here, we have anecdotes from O'Brien working on sets as a performer and as an intimacy co-ordinator, which I enjoyed. There are also sections about female sexuality and debunking myths around arousal, which I have read before in other books, but I still think that this is helpful information. There are a lot of sections that unfortunately, are pure psuedoscience that are presented as fact. I had to roll my eyes at some of the exercises in here, it's just not my kind of thing at all.
On the plus side, O'Brien devotes the last section to sexuality in older people, an often ignored part of life, which I appreciated.
April 16, 2025
Both an interesting and empowering read that explores intimacy in all its forms.
It offers practical insights into how we can all foster meaningful relationships and connections at any stage in life, highlighting open communication and transparency above all else.
Ita O’Brien you icon.
It offers practical insights into how we can all foster meaningful relationships and connections at any stage in life, highlighting open communication and transparency above all else.
Ita O’Brien you icon.
April 16, 2025
Thank you to Net Galley and Ebury Publishing for a free e-ARC of 'Intimacy: A field guide to finding connection and feeling your deep desires' by Ita O'Brien.
"In each sphere of intimacy, the willingness to be open and honest is everything. The underlying theme of this book, my work and my life is the need for open communication and transparency"
I wasn't sure what to expect from this ARC but I was intrigued by a foreword from Gillian Anderson, as well as to potentially learn more about intimacy coordinators and potential life lessons that could be translated from their work.
"The trouble is that the screen image of a dominant man and a submissive woman reinforces and creates inequalities. It limits our ability to see ourselves and each other occupying spaces outside of those roles"
In a way, I did learn a lot from this book - especially about film and TV and the work of intimacy coordinators in this sector. I found the exploration of the relationship between what we see on the screen and it's impact on 'real life' and vice versa really interesting. For example, the stereotype of what intimacy looks like and how it plays out, the impact of connectivity and smart phones, the increasing widespread availability of porn, and expectations around body image. I also enjoyed Ita talking about specific shows and scenes she worked on and the process of how they came to be/how she worked with the actors. These parts were really illuminating!
"In the absence of easily accessible, healthy education around sexual content, some people turn to pornography as their place to learn what sexual activity should be. The porn industry is inadvertently choreographing our sexual encounters, obscuring what we might want for ourselves."
Another interesting part of this book, which the first half comprised of, was outlining the importance of connecting to your own body through the techniques of mindfulness and grounding. There were lots of exercises in the book which were useful for beginners to these kinds of techniques. I found some of them very relaxing and valuable, however others were not for me! There are some beautiful illustrations in 'Intimacy', with many usefully depicting how to sit/move etc. My only difficulty with practical exercises with this ARC was that I would have found it much easier to follow the book as an audio for those - but that's a personal preference.
"Our culture worships the harmony phase, but a good relationship thrives on surviving the mess. The work of intimacy is the collision of imperfections and how we manage those"
In terms of what I thought could be improved:
- A LOT of this book felt extremely heteronormative and cisgender-focused. I appreciated the author's mentions about queer shows she worked on and the research she did for these, however the book is permeated with heteronormative or gender essentialist assumptions. For example, 'women's sexual organs align with their endocrine gland which is why their sexual energy is so often emotional'; 'kissing is more important to women than men'; 'biologically young men are on the lookout for a suitable mate who will continue the line and will respond to signals in terms of body and attraction and women look for a male with strong genes who can protect and provide'. I had to pause and shut my gaping mouth a few times reading some of these sentences! A lot of these statements were also made without any references or suggestions as to what the author was basing them on.
- There were many descriptions of bodies that were cisgender-focused, without a consideration that it might not apply to everyone. Ita mentions briefly an awareness of 'gender fluidity and gender expression' but only very briefly. Similarly, there was (perhaps some well intentioned, but) questionable terminology used such as 'someone who identifies as a man'. I strongly felt that more research around and consultation with the transgender community would have been beneficial for for this book.
- At times, it felt like 'Intimacy' jumped around and I wondered where the chapter was going. Each chapter had a general theme but at times it felt like we were meandering around the point or were taken on a tangent.
In general, perhaps the fault is with me for assuming an intimacy coordinator would be a little more 'progressive' in terms of language and messages at times. I understand that most of the issues I have were most likely well intentioned, I just would have appreciated a little more research/consultation and referencing.
"In each sphere of intimacy, the willingness to be open and honest is everything. The underlying theme of this book, my work and my life is the need for open communication and transparency"
I wasn't sure what to expect from this ARC but I was intrigued by a foreword from Gillian Anderson, as well as to potentially learn more about intimacy coordinators and potential life lessons that could be translated from their work.
"The trouble is that the screen image of a dominant man and a submissive woman reinforces and creates inequalities. It limits our ability to see ourselves and each other occupying spaces outside of those roles"
In a way, I did learn a lot from this book - especially about film and TV and the work of intimacy coordinators in this sector. I found the exploration of the relationship between what we see on the screen and it's impact on 'real life' and vice versa really interesting. For example, the stereotype of what intimacy looks like and how it plays out, the impact of connectivity and smart phones, the increasing widespread availability of porn, and expectations around body image. I also enjoyed Ita talking about specific shows and scenes she worked on and the process of how they came to be/how she worked with the actors. These parts were really illuminating!
"In the absence of easily accessible, healthy education around sexual content, some people turn to pornography as their place to learn what sexual activity should be. The porn industry is inadvertently choreographing our sexual encounters, obscuring what we might want for ourselves."
Another interesting part of this book, which the first half comprised of, was outlining the importance of connecting to your own body through the techniques of mindfulness and grounding. There were lots of exercises in the book which were useful for beginners to these kinds of techniques. I found some of them very relaxing and valuable, however others were not for me! There are some beautiful illustrations in 'Intimacy', with many usefully depicting how to sit/move etc. My only difficulty with practical exercises with this ARC was that I would have found it much easier to follow the book as an audio for those - but that's a personal preference.
"Our culture worships the harmony phase, but a good relationship thrives on surviving the mess. The work of intimacy is the collision of imperfections and how we manage those"
In terms of what I thought could be improved:
- A LOT of this book felt extremely heteronormative and cisgender-focused. I appreciated the author's mentions about queer shows she worked on and the research she did for these, however the book is permeated with heteronormative or gender essentialist assumptions. For example, 'women's sexual organs align with their endocrine gland which is why their sexual energy is so often emotional'; 'kissing is more important to women than men'; 'biologically young men are on the lookout for a suitable mate who will continue the line and will respond to signals in terms of body and attraction and women look for a male with strong genes who can protect and provide'. I had to pause and shut my gaping mouth a few times reading some of these sentences! A lot of these statements were also made without any references or suggestions as to what the author was basing them on.
- There were many descriptions of bodies that were cisgender-focused, without a consideration that it might not apply to everyone. Ita mentions briefly an awareness of 'gender fluidity and gender expression' but only very briefly. Similarly, there was (perhaps some well intentioned, but) questionable terminology used such as 'someone who identifies as a man'. I strongly felt that more research around and consultation with the transgender community would have been beneficial for for this book.
- At times, it felt like 'Intimacy' jumped around and I wondered where the chapter was going. Each chapter had a general theme but at times it felt like we were meandering around the point or were taken on a tangent.
In general, perhaps the fault is with me for assuming an intimacy coordinator would be a little more 'progressive' in terms of language and messages at times. I understand that most of the issues I have were most likely well intentioned, I just would have appreciated a little more research/consultation and referencing.
July 16, 2025
Ita O’Brien’s Intimacy is a thoughtful, compassionate, and refreshingly practical guide to deepening connection—not just with romantic or sexual partners, but with ourselves and others in all areas of life.
Drawing from her pioneering work as an Intimacy Coordinator on productions like Normal People and I May Destroy You, O’Brien combines professional insight with emotional intelligence to deliver a book that is both deeply personal and widely relatable.
If you're worried this is a textbook for those in the entertainment industry don’t be.
While it offers fascinating behind-the-scenes glimpses into the world of film, television and theatre intimacy coordination, the real heart of this book lies in its universal messages: how we understand consent, define our boundaries, cultivate connection, and communicate our needs.
This book covers it all, and does so with warmth, clarity, and inclusivity.
What I appreciated most was the accessible and affirming tone.
O’Brien avoids prescriptive advice and allows space for readers to define intimacy on their own terms.
Her language is inclusive and sex-positive, making this an empowering read for people of all genders, orientations, and relationship styles.
The book is also body-positive, encouraging us to embrace our desires and take ownership of our intimate lives.
The reflective prompts included throughout are genuinely helpful for self-exploration, and they pushed me to consider what I truly want from connection whether romantic, platonic, or internal.
I found myself thinking not just about my relationships with others, but about my relationship with myself, too.
The sections that delve into O’Brien’s work on screen intimacy were a real highlight.
These real-life case studies how intimate scenes are choreographed, how actors are supported, and how consent is embedded into the creative process; were not only interesting but also illuminating in showing how the media we consume shapes our perceptions of intimacy.
Topics like the impact of porn, the role of smart phones, body image expectations, and societal scripts around intimacy are handled with nuance and care.
I gave the book four stars instead of five only because some themes felt slightly repetitive in places, and I would have appreciated a broader range of personal anecdotes or voices. But this is a minor flaw in what is otherwise a powerful and engaging read.
And really, if Gillian Anderson is prepared to write the foreword, you know you’re onto a good thing and this book absolutely did not disappoint.
Whether you're looking to strengthen your relationships, better understand your desires, or simply build a more authentic connection with yourself, Ita O’Brien offers the tools and insight to help you get there.
A must-read for anyone who cares about connection, communication, and consent.
I'd like to take the time to try out some of the exercises with my husband when we have child-free time I think it would be illuminating for us both.
With thanks to NetGalley and the publishers for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
Drawing from her pioneering work as an Intimacy Coordinator on productions like Normal People and I May Destroy You, O’Brien combines professional insight with emotional intelligence to deliver a book that is both deeply personal and widely relatable.
If you're worried this is a textbook for those in the entertainment industry don’t be.
While it offers fascinating behind-the-scenes glimpses into the world of film, television and theatre intimacy coordination, the real heart of this book lies in its universal messages: how we understand consent, define our boundaries, cultivate connection, and communicate our needs.
This book covers it all, and does so with warmth, clarity, and inclusivity.
What I appreciated most was the accessible and affirming tone.
O’Brien avoids prescriptive advice and allows space for readers to define intimacy on their own terms.
Her language is inclusive and sex-positive, making this an empowering read for people of all genders, orientations, and relationship styles.
The book is also body-positive, encouraging us to embrace our desires and take ownership of our intimate lives.
The reflective prompts included throughout are genuinely helpful for self-exploration, and they pushed me to consider what I truly want from connection whether romantic, platonic, or internal.
I found myself thinking not just about my relationships with others, but about my relationship with myself, too.
The sections that delve into O’Brien’s work on screen intimacy were a real highlight.
These real-life case studies how intimate scenes are choreographed, how actors are supported, and how consent is embedded into the creative process; were not only interesting but also illuminating in showing how the media we consume shapes our perceptions of intimacy.
Topics like the impact of porn, the role of smart phones, body image expectations, and societal scripts around intimacy are handled with nuance and care.
I gave the book four stars instead of five only because some themes felt slightly repetitive in places, and I would have appreciated a broader range of personal anecdotes or voices. But this is a minor flaw in what is otherwise a powerful and engaging read.
And really, if Gillian Anderson is prepared to write the foreword, you know you’re onto a good thing and this book absolutely did not disappoint.
Whether you're looking to strengthen your relationships, better understand your desires, or simply build a more authentic connection with yourself, Ita O’Brien offers the tools and insight to help you get there.
A must-read for anyone who cares about connection, communication, and consent.
I'd like to take the time to try out some of the exercises with my husband when we have child-free time I think it would be illuminating for us both.
With thanks to NetGalley and the publishers for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
September 24, 2025
My thanks to the Publishers via NetGalley for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
This book is not the sort of book that I usually read. I chose it to fulfil a reading challenge ~ A book in a genre that you wouldn't normally read. I don't tend to read many non fiction books like this as it's a self help style of book, but on reading the book it's so much more than just a self help book.
The author draws on her experiences as an Intimacy Coordinator. She has been instrumental in working with actors both on and off screen, discussing with them what might be expected of them during intimate scenes on screen and how they might cope with it, emotionally, physically, etc. She has helped with the choreographing of the scenes of many series, etc.
The book is a jumbled mix that jumps between the graphic intimate sections and the personal experiences that she has had in her working life.
Whilst, I did enjoy certain aspects of the book more than others. I feel that she could have been a little more structured in the way that it was written. I dipped in and out of it while reading it and certain parts of the book, did make me think about the relationships that we form with one another both emotionally and intimately, and how we learn to deal with the feelings of others while in a relationship..
Below are two quotes that spoke out to me for various reasons.
In the quote below the author is explaining about when she worked on an adaptation by Laure de Clermont-Tonnerre's 2022 film adaptation of Lady Chatterley's Lover written by D.H. Lawrence. The challenge was to choreograph the passion that developed between Lady Chatterley and the estate gamekeeper Mellors.
Quote 1
' This was a relationship that was so transgressive when the book was written in 1928 that it was only published iii an unexpurgated form in England in 1960, after a famous obscenity trial. Nowadays people aren't so shocked about a love affair across the class barriers, but the relationship is still the heart of the story. Both characters find liberation because of it, so the challenge was to find ways of showing each beat of its development on screen for the audience to understand its significance. '
The quote below is very poignant and made me think quite deeply about our lives and the lives of our female children and female grandchildren, et al. It's quite thought provoking really in my opinion.
Quote 2
' I always think it is a beautiful thing that a female baby in her mother's womb contains all the eggs that she will produce in her reproductive life. Effectively, if a woman gives birth to a girl, she is giving birth to the seed of her own grandchildren. Once those are used , that is it! That's one reason menopause is such a sharp process. Ovulation ends and hormone production drops over a relatively short period of time. It is really the end of something.'
This book is not the sort of book that I usually read. I chose it to fulfil a reading challenge ~ A book in a genre that you wouldn't normally read. I don't tend to read many non fiction books like this as it's a self help style of book, but on reading the book it's so much more than just a self help book.
The author draws on her experiences as an Intimacy Coordinator. She has been instrumental in working with actors both on and off screen, discussing with them what might be expected of them during intimate scenes on screen and how they might cope with it, emotionally, physically, etc. She has helped with the choreographing of the scenes of many series, etc.
The book is a jumbled mix that jumps between the graphic intimate sections and the personal experiences that she has had in her working life.
Whilst, I did enjoy certain aspects of the book more than others. I feel that she could have been a little more structured in the way that it was written. I dipped in and out of it while reading it and certain parts of the book, did make me think about the relationships that we form with one another both emotionally and intimately, and how we learn to deal with the feelings of others while in a relationship..
Below are two quotes that spoke out to me for various reasons.
In the quote below the author is explaining about when she worked on an adaptation by Laure de Clermont-Tonnerre's 2022 film adaptation of Lady Chatterley's Lover written by D.H. Lawrence. The challenge was to choreograph the passion that developed between Lady Chatterley and the estate gamekeeper Mellors.
Quote 1
' This was a relationship that was so transgressive when the book was written in 1928 that it was only published iii an unexpurgated form in England in 1960, after a famous obscenity trial. Nowadays people aren't so shocked about a love affair across the class barriers, but the relationship is still the heart of the story. Both characters find liberation because of it, so the challenge was to find ways of showing each beat of its development on screen for the audience to understand its significance. '
The quote below is very poignant and made me think quite deeply about our lives and the lives of our female children and female grandchildren, et al. It's quite thought provoking really in my opinion.
Quote 2
' I always think it is a beautiful thing that a female baby in her mother's womb contains all the eggs that she will produce in her reproductive life. Effectively, if a woman gives birth to a girl, she is giving birth to the seed of her own grandchildren. Once those are used , that is it! That's one reason menopause is such a sharp process. Ovulation ends and hormone production drops over a relatively short period of time. It is really the end of something.'
June 3, 2025
I was curious to read this book as I’ve always wondered what it would be like for actors to perform physically intimate scenes. I’ve always thought it must be very odd to get so close to colleagues. The book did give some very interesting insights into how actors work with an intimacy co-ordinator, but it wasn’t the main thrust of the narrative (apologies for the pun).
A hefty chunk of the book is pretty woo-woo. I’m not personally into things like chakras, gazing at myself in the mirror, or grounding, so I confess I skipped past those parts. However, people who are more interested in spirituality and who want to explore those aspects of themselves and their partner might enjoy them. I read an ARC which made it clear that there was an intention to add more illustrations to this section - I think these would probably be beneficial to readers.
The part of the book exploring how attitudes to sex have changed, how young people are being heavily influenced by violent pornography and toxic individuals online, and what can be done to address this, fascinated me. It felt like an important discussion, as did the chapters considering changing needs for sex and intimacy for older people. Perhaps that interest reflects my own life stage as a perimenopausal woman with children in their teens and twenties, as a writer about romantic relationships, and as a former educator. For me, this elevated the book to a solid 3.5 stars. It would have been higher if it had included more insights into what it’s like for actors to portray intimacy on stage and screen.
A hefty chunk of the book is pretty woo-woo. I’m not personally into things like chakras, gazing at myself in the mirror, or grounding, so I confess I skipped past those parts. However, people who are more interested in spirituality and who want to explore those aspects of themselves and their partner might enjoy them. I read an ARC which made it clear that there was an intention to add more illustrations to this section - I think these would probably be beneficial to readers.
The part of the book exploring how attitudes to sex have changed, how young people are being heavily influenced by violent pornography and toxic individuals online, and what can be done to address this, fascinated me. It felt like an important discussion, as did the chapters considering changing needs for sex and intimacy for older people. Perhaps that interest reflects my own life stage as a perimenopausal woman with children in their teens and twenties, as a writer about romantic relationships, and as a former educator. For me, this elevated the book to a solid 3.5 stars. It would have been higher if it had included more insights into what it’s like for actors to portray intimacy on stage and screen.
April 12, 2025
Thanks to Ebury Publishing and NetGally for the opportunity to read and review this book.
This is a wonderfully put together book that gives the reader insight into some facets of the film and TV industry that we don't see (but I often wonder about when watching intimate scenes) and I really enjoyed getting an understanding of that.
This was also an empowering and emotional read as it walks through body and sex positivity, both how this is used in industry and how to apply that as individuals (and we should all be here for that).
There are practical exercises added throughout the book and they are a brilliant addition, making this feel like a workbook as much as anything else. And although my early copy was still awaiting final touches, I have no doubt the finished version will be great. (The illustrations were clear and inclusive, too (lots of body types shown) which was nice to see.)
If you're worried this is a text book for those in the industry, it's not - it contains so much that is important in relationships - consent, boundaries (my favourite) connection, communication, this book covers it all!
This is a wonderfully put together book that gives the reader insight into some facets of the film and TV industry that we don't see (but I often wonder about when watching intimate scenes) and I really enjoyed getting an understanding of that.
This was also an empowering and emotional read as it walks through body and sex positivity, both how this is used in industry and how to apply that as individuals (and we should all be here for that).
There are practical exercises added throughout the book and they are a brilliant addition, making this feel like a workbook as much as anything else. And although my early copy was still awaiting final touches, I have no doubt the finished version will be great. (The illustrations were clear and inclusive, too (lots of body types shown) which was nice to see.)
If you're worried this is a text book for those in the industry, it's not - it contains so much that is important in relationships - consent, boundaries (my favourite) connection, communication, this book covers it all!
April 12, 2025
For those who don’t know Ita O’Brien is a renowned intimacy coordinator working in film and television and the founder of Intimacy on Set focusing on providing safe, fair and dignified work environments during intimate scenes. She’s worked on a number of well known shows include Normal People and Sex Education.
Using her knowledge from her professional role, O’Brien has brought us this book to teach us about intimacy in personal relationships, desire and communication.
I thought this book was brilliant - if Gillian Anderson is prepared to provide a foreword, you know you’re onto a good thing and this book did not disappoint. The combination of real life and the behind the scenes peaks was great and kept my interest peaked throughout.
It’s sex positive and body positive and encourages all of us to take control or our desires and intimate relationships. It covers a broad range of important topics including consent and boundaries.
Using her knowledge from her professional role, O’Brien has brought us this book to teach us about intimacy in personal relationships, desire and communication.
I thought this book was brilliant - if Gillian Anderson is prepared to provide a foreword, you know you’re onto a good thing and this book did not disappoint. The combination of real life and the behind the scenes peaks was great and kept my interest peaked throughout.
It’s sex positive and body positive and encourages all of us to take control or our desires and intimate relationships. It covers a broad range of important topics including consent and boundaries.
April 5, 2025
Thank you to Ita O'Brien, Ebury Publishing and NetGalley for giving me early access to this book.
Intimacy is a deeply insightful and empowering read that dives headfirst into body and sex positivity—and I was so here for it. I’ve admired Ita O’Brien’s work for years, and this book only solidified that admiration. It’s honest, educational, and incredibly inclusive, celebrating every kind of body with beautiful visuals that actually reflect the real world.
The practical exercises added throughout the book are thoughtful, making the topic feel both approachable and personal. While I read an early copy, I’m genuinely excited to see how the final version shapes up. This book isn’t just for performers or professionals—it’s for anyone curious about connection, boundaries, and confidence in their own skin.
Intimacy is a deeply insightful and empowering read that dives headfirst into body and sex positivity—and I was so here for it. I’ve admired Ita O’Brien’s work for years, and this book only solidified that admiration. It’s honest, educational, and incredibly inclusive, celebrating every kind of body with beautiful visuals that actually reflect the real world.
The practical exercises added throughout the book are thoughtful, making the topic feel both approachable and personal. While I read an early copy, I’m genuinely excited to see how the final version shapes up. This book isn’t just for performers or professionals—it’s for anyone curious about connection, boundaries, and confidence in their own skin.
July 27, 2025
Thank you to the publishers and NetGalley for the ARC of this book.
This took me a while to read: I felt that I had to be in a certain frame of mind to fully focus on the message of the book.
I would say this is a mix of educational and self-help. Using her past experiences, including that of intimacy co-ordinator, the author highlights how intimacy can take many forms, and how we are responsible for understanding our own needs and vocalising them (there are exercises in the book to help with this) It also highlighted that we need to be more open as a society about intimacy, and that we should not take our intimacy education from what we see in the media.
I found the book to be very insightful, would recommend to anyone that is learning to understand themselves more or to strengthen their relationships.
This took me a while to read: I felt that I had to be in a certain frame of mind to fully focus on the message of the book.
I would say this is a mix of educational and self-help. Using her past experiences, including that of intimacy co-ordinator, the author highlights how intimacy can take many forms, and how we are responsible for understanding our own needs and vocalising them (there are exercises in the book to help with this) It also highlighted that we need to be more open as a society about intimacy, and that we should not take our intimacy education from what we see in the media.
I found the book to be very insightful, would recommend to anyone that is learning to understand themselves more or to strengthen their relationships.
September 21, 2025
I unfortunately was disappointed by this book. Its main takeaways are: practice mindfulness and have open conversations with yourself and partners about desire and consent.
There was a lot of meandering writing and pseudoscience or outdated ideas that I was like...why? Examples include: men are attracted to someone that will will continue their bloodline and women want a provider; stuff around 'divine feminine/masculine'; grounding and electron flows. In the end I regret reading this book, and it read like a school essay to me. For things around intimacy and pleasure I would recommend Nakoski and Perel instead.
I did like her anecdotes about her work and details about how different intimate scenes were constructed and negotiated.
There was a lot of meandering writing and pseudoscience or outdated ideas that I was like...why? Examples include: men are attracted to someone that will will continue their bloodline and women want a provider; stuff around 'divine feminine/masculine'; grounding and electron flows. In the end I regret reading this book, and it read like a school essay to me. For things around intimacy and pleasure I would recommend Nakoski and Perel instead.
I did like her anecdotes about her work and details about how different intimate scenes were constructed and negotiated.
November 11, 2025
Interesting book by pioneer intimacy coordinator Ita O'Brien, who delves into the various forms of intimacy. She provides an overview of her process and helps readers understand how it was applied when filming certain films/shows (for example, to make intimate scenes more comfortable and less daunting for actors). She also suggests that her approach could be applied to the real world and demonstrates practical ways on how to do this, arming readers with techniques that will enable them to feel safer and more comfortable in their relationships.
A lot of the information presented is useful and enlightening, although it didn't feel like the book description accurately depicted what was inside it.
A lot of the information presented is useful and enlightening, although it didn't feel like the book description accurately depicted what was inside it.
October 31, 2025
⭐️⭐️⭐️.5/5
Thank you to the author and netgalley for the ARC opportunity.
This book was not what I expected it to be! It definitely is hard to define in regards to category but it definitely was an interesting read.
O'Brien is an intimacy coordinator for actors and choreographs intimate scenes. This is a relatively new field she is an expert in and believes can be applied in real life.
Some of the writing felt repetitive and at times hard to follow in her thought process when it came to translating acting into real life.
Overall, it was an interesting topic but definitely not what I thought it would be.
Thank you to the author and netgalley for the ARC opportunity.
This book was not what I expected it to be! It definitely is hard to define in regards to category but it definitely was an interesting read.
O'Brien is an intimacy coordinator for actors and choreographs intimate scenes. This is a relatively new field she is an expert in and believes can be applied in real life.
Some of the writing felt repetitive and at times hard to follow in her thought process when it came to translating acting into real life.
Overall, it was an interesting topic but definitely not what I thought it would be.
September 14, 2025
Ita O’Brien’s Intimacy is a thoughtful and relatable book that really changed the way I think about closeness and boundaries. Drawing on her work as an intimacy coordinator, O’Brien explains how consent, trust, and communication are essential when portraying vulnerability, but also how these ideas apply to everyday life. I liked how accessible and honest her writing felt, making a serious subject easy to connect with. The book encouraged me to reflect on my own relationships and how I approach personal boundaries. It’s a short but powerful read that feels relevant to everyone.
November 1, 2025
Grateful ARC recipient
What an interesting and informative book. I must admit I had never given much consideration to how intimate scenes are planned for in media but the author's professional experience was hugely informative and - appropriately - carries over into how intimacy can be planned for in a relationship. I admit some of the approaches are a little holistic for my taste but I respect the approach and appreciated th author's explanation of how and when they have worked for her and her clients. A book to discuss with friends of mine who are better read than I am in this area.
What an interesting and informative book. I must admit I had never given much consideration to how intimate scenes are planned for in media but the author's professional experience was hugely informative and - appropriately - carries over into how intimacy can be planned for in a relationship. I admit some of the approaches are a little holistic for my taste but I respect the approach and appreciated th author's explanation of how and when they have worked for her and her clients. A book to discuss with friends of mine who are better read than I am in this area.
April 28, 2025
This book was much more substantial than I’d expected. Written by an industry-leading Intimacy Coordinator who created the ‘Intimacy On Set Guidelines’, this book also has a lot of tips on how her approach can be applied to one’s personal life. O’Brien also delves into how what we see on screen spills into our approach to intimate relationships, and provides advice on how educators can better equip future generations in this arena. A well-researched, useful and enlightening read.
June 18, 2025
This is an interesting, informative, practical book about intimacy. It describes history, culture and the experiences of the writer; Ita O'Brien, through her work as an Intimacy Co-ordinator.
It's part self help and part autobiography and I particularly enjoyed the exercises that are peppered throughout.
Overall, a 3* solid Good Read from me and I'm grateful to NetGalley and Penguin Random House for the opportunity to preview.
It's part self help and part autobiography and I particularly enjoyed the exercises that are peppered throughout.
Overall, a 3* solid Good Read from me and I'm grateful to NetGalley and Penguin Random House for the opportunity to preview.
May 10, 2025
This book will smash preconceptions.
Lifting the lid on what different ages perceive what their peers find acceptable sexual conduct and issues around consent.
Ita's journey as a teenage dancer to intimacy coordinator on major tv series and movies.
Exercises to ground and explore your own personal space. They will help you to find what you are comfortable with.
Lifting the lid on what different ages perceive what their peers find acceptable sexual conduct and issues around consent.
Ita's journey as a teenage dancer to intimacy coordinator on major tv series and movies.
Exercises to ground and explore your own personal space. They will help you to find what you are comfortable with.
August 7, 2025
Really like this book. There's a lot of information in here.
It would work as a coffee table book or a great gift. And I think there's a lot of personal information in here that can help deepen relationships.
And I think that's important. And I think this was dealt with in a compassionate and thoughtful way.
It would work as a coffee table book or a great gift. And I think there's a lot of personal information in here that can help deepen relationships.
And I think that's important. And I think this was dealt with in a compassionate and thoughtful way.
May 15, 2025
Fascinating insight into how lessons from Ita’s work as an intimacy coordinator can be taken into our real romantic lives. Exercises to try too. Shows how key it is to connect with our bodies (and talk to each other) – and to teach young people comprehensive sex education and porn literacy!
September 13, 2025
Very interesting! There was lots of useful information and exercises throughout the book. I do think it could have been a bit more inclusive as it felt very heteronormative, but overall it was a good read.
Thank you NetGalley for the copy!
Thank you NetGalley for the copy!
June 12, 2025
Fantastic book. Extremely informative. It guides us to discover our desires, communicate our needs and truly have intimate relationships. Thank you Netgalley
August 3, 2025
2.75 stars - felt like I was reading a first draft; wanted way more anecdotes and less self-help
September 30, 2025
This book is very interesting. I really enjoyed learning about O'Brien's work as an intimacy coordinator in England. It gives a great look into what they actually do. The issue I have is that the title doesn't match what is in the book. There are exercises to connect with your own body (which is an important part of intimacy) and only a tiny bit in a rush about combining with others. This is more a social commentary piece. And that would be bad if it wasn't sold as a "field guide" to feeling my "deepest desires". There is a lot of great information here that needs separate outlets.
I received an ARC through NetGalley; all opinions are my own.
I received an ARC through NetGalley; all opinions are my own.
July 22, 2025
If you listened to our episode on Want then you’ll know that we had mixed feelings on it. Possibly it suffered as a result of the high expectations we went into with and unfortunately I think this one falls into the same category.
Ita O’Brien is an intimacy coordinator extraordinaire… She’s been behind some of the most groundbreaking scenes in some teeny-tiny little shows you MAY have heard of, like Sex Education and Normal People, so I was intrigued by this non-fiction read. Described as a ‘field guide’ to discovering desires, communicating needs and cultivating truly intimate relationships it was an interesting premise so I was excited to learn!
If you’re after a juicy behind the scenes memoir about what Paul Mescal is like in the flesh then you’ll be disappointed… it’s structured more like a professional manifesto meets industry guide and to be fair it does tell you a lot. There’s some really fascinating insight into how intimacy coordination became an actual thing in film and TV (which, let’s be honest, it should have been all along), and I really appreciated O’Brien’s calm but passionate tone. You can tell she genuinely cares about making performance spaces safer and more respectful.
That said… this wasn’t the kind of page-turning non-fiction I was expecting. It’s quite academic in parts and gets a bit repetitive. I found myself zoning out at times. I wasn’t quite sure who it was written for… as someone who isn’t in the industry it felt more like something I’d read for a media studies course.
The proof copy we received did lack some finer details in the exercises that were included in each chapter which didn’t really allow me to get the full benefit from those sections. Possibly a finished copy would have left me feeling differently.
It’s obviously important, and thoughtfully done, but maybe not the most engaging read unless you’re already in the industry or aspire to be.
Ita O’Brien is an intimacy coordinator extraordinaire… She’s been behind some of the most groundbreaking scenes in some teeny-tiny little shows you MAY have heard of, like Sex Education and Normal People, so I was intrigued by this non-fiction read. Described as a ‘field guide’ to discovering desires, communicating needs and cultivating truly intimate relationships it was an interesting premise so I was excited to learn!
If you’re after a juicy behind the scenes memoir about what Paul Mescal is like in the flesh then you’ll be disappointed… it’s structured more like a professional manifesto meets industry guide and to be fair it does tell you a lot. There’s some really fascinating insight into how intimacy coordination became an actual thing in film and TV (which, let’s be honest, it should have been all along), and I really appreciated O’Brien’s calm but passionate tone. You can tell she genuinely cares about making performance spaces safer and more respectful.
That said… this wasn’t the kind of page-turning non-fiction I was expecting. It’s quite academic in parts and gets a bit repetitive. I found myself zoning out at times. I wasn’t quite sure who it was written for… as someone who isn’t in the industry it felt more like something I’d read for a media studies course.
The proof copy we received did lack some finer details in the exercises that were included in each chapter which didn’t really allow me to get the full benefit from those sections. Possibly a finished copy would have left me feeling differently.
It’s obviously important, and thoughtfully done, but maybe not the most engaging read unless you’re already in the industry or aspire to be.
July 4, 2025
Ita shares her experiences of being an intimacy coordination and what goes on behind the scenes in creating some of our favourite s*x scenes. It also provided a bit of social commentary and reflecting on what’s happened to intimacy for us as a society, from all things p*rn to how children are taught about s*x.
It also has lots of practical exercises, maybe not the kind you are thinking of 👀 but around breathing, body scans and connecting with yourself.
At times it felt a little unstructured and you weren’t sure what point she was going to make next. But that didn’t bother me, I was there for the ride and all of the issues she describes are so interconnected.
I found this a really enjoyable read. Lots of information and useful tips. I think the final version with all the finished visuals will be beautiful and I can’t wait to see it! 💓
I received a proof copy for review.
It also has lots of practical exercises, maybe not the kind you are thinking of 👀 but around breathing, body scans and connecting with yourself.
At times it felt a little unstructured and you weren’t sure what point she was going to make next. But that didn’t bother me, I was there for the ride and all of the issues she describes are so interconnected.
I found this a really enjoyable read. Lots of information and useful tips. I think the final version with all the finished visuals will be beautiful and I can’t wait to see it! 💓
I received a proof copy for review.
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