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Intimacy: A field guide to finding connection and feeling your deep desires
From the initial spark of attraction when your eyes first meet, to spontaneously dancing together in the kitchen and falling asleep side by side - how do we create those intimate moments of connection?
As a pioneering Intimacy Coordinator, Ita O’Brien has choreographed some of the most groundbreaking, passionate and vulnerable intimate scenes onscreen. From Normal People to I May Destroy You, and in so many more productions, she has also made these scenes safer, more joyful and more empowering to perform in. No one knows intimacy, the power of true connection, better than her.
So, what can her work teach us about our own relationships, both with ourselves and others? How can we use her tools to discover what it is that we truly want in our intimate lives? And how can all of this create environments in which intimacy can take seed, grow and even thrive?
Combining embodied wisdom, behind-the-scenes stories and exercises for connection, Intimacy offers us a field guide to discovering our desires, communicating our needs, and cultivating truly intimate relationships at every stage of our lives.
As a pioneering Intimacy Coordinator, Ita O’Brien has choreographed some of the most groundbreaking, passionate and vulnerable intimate scenes onscreen. From Normal People to I May Destroy You, and in so many more productions, she has also made these scenes safer, more joyful and more empowering to perform in. No one knows intimacy, the power of true connection, better than her.
So, what can her work teach us about our own relationships, both with ourselves and others? How can we use her tools to discover what it is that we truly want in our intimate lives? And how can all of this create environments in which intimacy can take seed, grow and even thrive?
Combining embodied wisdom, behind-the-scenes stories and exercises for connection, Intimacy offers us a field guide to discovering our desires, communicating our needs, and cultivating truly intimate relationships at every stage of our lives.
361 pages, Kindle Edition
Published June 5, 2025
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 48 reviews
October 23, 2025
This book wasn't really like what I expected after seeing the cover and reading the description. I'm not saying I didn't like or enjoy it, I did, but there were just some things that didn't really click with me. For example, the body/physical exercises we're supposed to (or, actually, could) do, and the many film references. The movie and series references were actually good for examples, but since I haven't seen most of them, I felt a bit detached. Maybe there were just too many references overall. Either way, it's an okay book. Slightly misleading based on the title and description, but not bad at all.
June 4, 2025
I enjoyed this book but it’s more of a self help book how to deal with intimacy
As a pioneering Intimacy Coordinator, Ita O’Brien has choreographed some of the most groundbreaking, passionate and vulnerable intimate scenes onscreen. From Normal People to I May Destroy You, and in so many more productions, she has also made these scenes safer, more joyful and more empowering to perform in. No one knows intimacy, the power of true connection, better than her.
So, what can her work teach us about our own relationships, both with ourselves and others? How can we use her tools to discover what it is that we truly want in our intimate lives? And how can all of this create environments in which intimacy can take seed, grow and even thrive?
Combining embodied wisdom, behind-the-scenes stories and exercises for connection, Intimacy offers us a field guide to discovering our desires, communicating our needs, and cultivating truly intimate relationships at every stage of our lives.
As a pioneering Intimacy Coordinator, Ita O’Brien has choreographed some of the most groundbreaking, passionate and vulnerable intimate scenes onscreen. From Normal People to I May Destroy You, and in so many more productions, she has also made these scenes safer, more joyful and more empowering to perform in. No one knows intimacy, the power of true connection, better than her.
So, what can her work teach us about our own relationships, both with ourselves and others? How can we use her tools to discover what it is that we truly want in our intimate lives? And how can all of this create environments in which intimacy can take seed, grow and even thrive?
Combining embodied wisdom, behind-the-scenes stories and exercises for connection, Intimacy offers us a field guide to discovering our desires, communicating our needs, and cultivating truly intimate relationships at every stage of our lives.
May 30, 2025
A thoughtful and compassionate guide to deepening emotional and relational connection. Intimacy: A Field Guide to Finding Connection and Feeling Your Deep Desires offers a refreshing take on what it means to build intimacy, moving beyond the typical focus on romantic or sexual relationships. The author invites readers to explore intimacy as a practice rooted in presence, honesty and vulnerability.
What I appreciated most was the accessible and inclusive language. The book avoids assumptions and allows space for readers to define intimacy in their own terms. The reflective prompts were particularly useful, encouraging genuine self-exploration and helping me consider what I truly want from connection.
I gave four stars instead of five because some parts felt slightly repetitive, and I would have liked a broader range of examples or experiences to reflect different perspectives. That said, this is still a valuable and insightful read for anyone looking to strengthen their relationships and connect more deeply with themselves and others.
What I appreciated most was the accessible and inclusive language. The book avoids assumptions and allows space for readers to define intimacy in their own terms. The reflective prompts were particularly useful, encouraging genuine self-exploration and helping me consider what I truly want from connection.
I gave four stars instead of five because some parts felt slightly repetitive, and I would have liked a broader range of examples or experiences to reflect different perspectives. That said, this is still a valuable and insightful read for anyone looking to strengthen their relationships and connect more deeply with themselves and others.
April 21, 2025
Review copy from NetGalley.
A bit of a mixed bag here, we have anecdotes from O'Brien working on sets as a performer and as an intimacy co-ordinator, which I enjoyed. There are also sections about female sexuality and debunking myths around arousal, which I have read before in other books, but I still think that this is helpful information. There are a lot of sections that unfortunately, are pure psuedoscience that are presented as fact. I had to roll my eyes at some of the exercises in here, it's just not my kind of thing at all.
On the plus side, O'Brien devotes the last section to sexuality in older people, an often ignored part of life, which I appreciated.
A bit of a mixed bag here, we have anecdotes from O'Brien working on sets as a performer and as an intimacy co-ordinator, which I enjoyed. There are also sections about female sexuality and debunking myths around arousal, which I have read before in other books, but I still think that this is helpful information. There are a lot of sections that unfortunately, are pure psuedoscience that are presented as fact. I had to roll my eyes at some of the exercises in here, it's just not my kind of thing at all.
On the plus side, O'Brien devotes the last section to sexuality in older people, an often ignored part of life, which I appreciated.
June 5, 2025
Thank you to Ebury Publishing, Penguin Random House, Ebury Press, the author and NetGalley for DRC in return for an honest review
This is a very strange book. One that isn't easily categorised. On various websites its genre has been defined as 'Health, Mind & Body', 'Nonfiction (Adult)', 'Romance', 'Television (Books)' and 'Marriage & Relationships'. It seems to be an odd hybrid of part Self-help book and part memoir.
In recent years, a new role has opened up within the Arts, that of Intimacy Co-Ordinator. What the heck does that mean? you ask. Well following in the wake of #MeToo and #TimesUp the entertainment sector has stepped up to try and make intimate scenes more comfortable and less intimidating for the actors involved. This job title may make people snigger but it has actually been a welcomed role by those in the business. In the past many actors especially females felt they were being exploited on set. The role of an Intimacy Co-Ordinator is now intrinsic to a modern day working enviroment. Advocating for the actors, ensuring consent and setting protocols. There is so much time and effort put into choreographing fight and dance scenes, surely it's a no-brainer that the same care and attention should be taken for those more intimate scenes as well.
Ita O’Brien is considered a pioneer in the evolution of the emerging field of Intimacy Co-ordination for stage and screen in recent years. Her most noteworthy productions being 'Normal People' (BBC/Hulu), 'I may destroy you' (BBC/HBO) and 'Sex Education' (Netflix).
O'Brien suggests that the information and advice she gives to onscreen couples could also translate over to couples in real life. While she doesn’t actually offer relationship advice directly to couples, she believes her work equips people with the language, awareness and tools to build more ethical, consensual, and emotionally safe relationships. Whilst I would say this book is essential reading for those within the acting profession, as it offers clear guidance on how to handle intimate scenes with care, I would advise those seeking marriage guidance to look elsewhere.
#Intimacy #NetGalley
This is a very strange book. One that isn't easily categorised. On various websites its genre has been defined as 'Health, Mind & Body', 'Nonfiction (Adult)', 'Romance', 'Television (Books)' and 'Marriage & Relationships'. It seems to be an odd hybrid of part Self-help book and part memoir.
In recent years, a new role has opened up within the Arts, that of Intimacy Co-Ordinator. What the heck does that mean? you ask. Well following in the wake of #MeToo and #TimesUp the entertainment sector has stepped up to try and make intimate scenes more comfortable and less intimidating for the actors involved. This job title may make people snigger but it has actually been a welcomed role by those in the business. In the past many actors especially females felt they were being exploited on set. The role of an Intimacy Co-Ordinator is now intrinsic to a modern day working enviroment. Advocating for the actors, ensuring consent and setting protocols. There is so much time and effort put into choreographing fight and dance scenes, surely it's a no-brainer that the same care and attention should be taken for those more intimate scenes as well.
Ita O’Brien is considered a pioneer in the evolution of the emerging field of Intimacy Co-ordination for stage and screen in recent years. Her most noteworthy productions being 'Normal People' (BBC/Hulu), 'I may destroy you' (BBC/HBO) and 'Sex Education' (Netflix).
O'Brien suggests that the information and advice she gives to onscreen couples could also translate over to couples in real life. While she doesn’t actually offer relationship advice directly to couples, she believes her work equips people with the language, awareness and tools to build more ethical, consensual, and emotionally safe relationships. Whilst I would say this book is essential reading for those within the acting profession, as it offers clear guidance on how to handle intimate scenes with care, I would advise those seeking marriage guidance to look elsewhere.
#Intimacy #NetGalley
January 31, 2026
For me, this book was 25% “oh, I didn’t know that/I hadn’t thought of it that way” and 75% “yep yep, good reminder.” Ita O’Brien comes at the topic from a lot of different angles, inspired by her own career and by people whose work she appreciates.
I liked that not every chapter was just about sex. In fact, a lot of the book was about non-sexual intimacy. The book was very inclusive of different types of relationships and different seasons of life.
Thank you to NetGalley and to The Dial Press for an eARC of this book! This is my honest review.
I liked that not every chapter was just about sex. In fact, a lot of the book was about non-sexual intimacy. The book was very inclusive of different types of relationships and different seasons of life.
Thank you to NetGalley and to The Dial Press for an eARC of this book! This is my honest review.
April 16, 2025
Both an interesting and empowering read that explores intimacy in all its forms.
It offers practical insights into how we can all foster meaningful relationships and connections at any stage in life, highlighting open communication and transparency above all else.
Ita O’Brien you icon.
It offers practical insights into how we can all foster meaningful relationships and connections at any stage in life, highlighting open communication and transparency above all else.
Ita O’Brien you icon.
March 26, 2026
thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for the advanced digital copy.
this book is available now.
-
ita o'brien's intimacy is one of those books that feels a little difficult to pin down, sitting somewhere between memoir, industry insight, and self help guide. going in, i was most interested in her work as an intimacy coordinator on projects like Normal People and I May Destroy You, and unsurprisingly, those sections were where the book felt the most alive. when o'brien pulls back the curtain on what it actually means to choreograph intimate scenes, advocate for actors, and create spaces rooted in consent and communication, the book becomes genuinely compelling.
there's something really valuable about seeing intimacy treated with the same care and intentionality as a fight scene or a dance sequence. especially in the current cultural moment, where conversations about safety on set are still evolving, this book feels like a necessary reminder that those protections are not excessive, they are essential. i couldn't help but think about the broader discourse around intimacy coordinators and how easily their work is dismissed, when in reality, o'brien makes a strong case for why we should all be thinking more critically about consent, boundaries, and care not just on screen, but in our everyday relationships.
that said, the book leans heavily into its self help structure, and that's where it started to lose me. there are a number of exercises scattered throughout meant to help readers connect more deeply with their own desires and bodies. i can see how they might be useful for some, especially if you are newer to that kind of reflective or embodied practice, but personally, i found myself skimming them. they interrupted the flow of what i was actually invested in, which was o’brien's firsthand experiences and the tangible applications of her work.
there's also a sense of repetition that creeps in as the book goes on, with certain ideas around communication, openness, and presence being reiterated without always adding new layers. while the messaging is thoughtful and clearly rooted in care, it sometimes feels like it circles the same points rather than expanding them in more nuanced or varied ways.
one of the more frustrating aspects, though, is how narrowly the book defines intimacy at times. despite moments of inclusivity, the overall framework feels quite heteronormative, with limited space given to queer and trans experiences. intimacy is deeply shaped by identity, and it would have strengthened the book to see more intentional engagement with those perspectives, especially given how much the author emphasizes the importance of honoring individual boundaries and desires. similarly, while the book is broadly sex positive, it doesn't meaningfully account for asexual experiences, which feels like a missed opportunity in a text that is so focused on redefining what connection can look like.
overall, intimacy is at its best when it is grounded in o'brien's lived experience and industry knowledge. those moments offer a fascinating and important look at a role that is still widely misunderstood. as a self help guide, it may resonate more with readers looking for structured exercises and gentle prompts toward self exploration. for me, though, it was the behind the scenes stories and the larger conversation about safety, consent, and care that made it worth reading.
this book is available now.
-
ita o'brien's intimacy is one of those books that feels a little difficult to pin down, sitting somewhere between memoir, industry insight, and self help guide. going in, i was most interested in her work as an intimacy coordinator on projects like Normal People and I May Destroy You, and unsurprisingly, those sections were where the book felt the most alive. when o'brien pulls back the curtain on what it actually means to choreograph intimate scenes, advocate for actors, and create spaces rooted in consent and communication, the book becomes genuinely compelling.
there's something really valuable about seeing intimacy treated with the same care and intentionality as a fight scene or a dance sequence. especially in the current cultural moment, where conversations about safety on set are still evolving, this book feels like a necessary reminder that those protections are not excessive, they are essential. i couldn't help but think about the broader discourse around intimacy coordinators and how easily their work is dismissed, when in reality, o'brien makes a strong case for why we should all be thinking more critically about consent, boundaries, and care not just on screen, but in our everyday relationships.
that said, the book leans heavily into its self help structure, and that's where it started to lose me. there are a number of exercises scattered throughout meant to help readers connect more deeply with their own desires and bodies. i can see how they might be useful for some, especially if you are newer to that kind of reflective or embodied practice, but personally, i found myself skimming them. they interrupted the flow of what i was actually invested in, which was o’brien's firsthand experiences and the tangible applications of her work.
there's also a sense of repetition that creeps in as the book goes on, with certain ideas around communication, openness, and presence being reiterated without always adding new layers. while the messaging is thoughtful and clearly rooted in care, it sometimes feels like it circles the same points rather than expanding them in more nuanced or varied ways.
one of the more frustrating aspects, though, is how narrowly the book defines intimacy at times. despite moments of inclusivity, the overall framework feels quite heteronormative, with limited space given to queer and trans experiences. intimacy is deeply shaped by identity, and it would have strengthened the book to see more intentional engagement with those perspectives, especially given how much the author emphasizes the importance of honoring individual boundaries and desires. similarly, while the book is broadly sex positive, it doesn't meaningfully account for asexual experiences, which feels like a missed opportunity in a text that is so focused on redefining what connection can look like.
overall, intimacy is at its best when it is grounded in o'brien's lived experience and industry knowledge. those moments offer a fascinating and important look at a role that is still widely misunderstood. as a self help guide, it may resonate more with readers looking for structured exercises and gentle prompts toward self exploration. for me, though, it was the behind the scenes stories and the larger conversation about safety, consent, and care that made it worth reading.
January 4, 2026
A compassionate perspective on intimacy and how to deal with it in your own life provided by a professional intimacy coordinator. The pages are dripping with professionalism, which is a totally interesting lens to look through for this topic. I found myself more interested in hearing about the work O’Brien has done to change the way intimacy is handled in media than the actual “workbook” aspect with advice and exercises. Lots of interesting information that could be beneficial to many, especially if intimacy and vulnerability in their day-to-day are new territory.
3.75 Stars
3.75 Stars
April 11, 2026
Pros: Great somatic exercises, good tips for building emotional connection & communication skills, and a chapter for the elderly. Cons: The show references were fatiguing and I felt uncomfortable with some of the content. Nonetheless, I super appreciated O'Brien's concerns about the porn industry distorting our understanding of true intimacy. It was a worthwhile read. 3.5 stars
September 7, 2026
Overall found this very useful and insightful for my intimacy coordination work.
August 3, 2025
2.75 stars - felt like I was reading a first draft; wanted way more anecdotes and less self-help
April 16, 2025
Thank you to Net Galley and Ebury Publishing for a free e-ARC of 'Intimacy: A field guide to finding connection and feeling your deep desires' by Ita O'Brien.
"In each sphere of intimacy, the willingness to be open and honest is everything. The underlying theme of this book, my work and my life is the need for open communication and transparency"
I wasn't sure what to expect from this ARC but I was intrigued by a foreword from Gillian Anderson, as well as to potentially learn more about intimacy coordinators and potential life lessons that could be translated from their work.
"The trouble is that the screen image of a dominant man and a submissive woman reinforces and creates inequalities. It limits our ability to see ourselves and each other occupying spaces outside of those roles"
In a way, I did learn a lot from this book - especially about film and TV and the work of intimacy coordinators in this sector. I found the exploration of the relationship between what we see on the screen and it's impact on 'real life' and vice versa really interesting. For example, the stereotype of what intimacy looks like and how it plays out, the impact of connectivity and smart phones, the increasing widespread availability of porn, and expectations around body image. I also enjoyed Ita talking about specific shows and scenes she worked on and the process of how they came to be/how she worked with the actors. These parts were really illuminating!
"In the absence of easily accessible, healthy education around sexual content, some people turn to pornography as their place to learn what sexual activity should be. The porn industry is inadvertently choreographing our sexual encounters, obscuring what we might want for ourselves."
Another interesting part of this book, which the first half comprised of, was outlining the importance of connecting to your own body through the techniques of mindfulness and grounding. There were lots of exercises in the book which were useful for beginners to these kinds of techniques. I found some of them very relaxing and valuable, however others were not for me! There are some beautiful illustrations in 'Intimacy', with many usefully depicting how to sit/move etc. My only difficulty with practical exercises with this ARC was that I would have found it much easier to follow the book as an audio for those - but that's a personal preference.
"Our culture worships the harmony phase, but a good relationship thrives on surviving the mess. The work of intimacy is the collision of imperfections and how we manage those"
In terms of what I thought could be improved:
- A LOT of this book felt extremely heteronormative and cisgender-focused. I appreciated the author's mentions about queer shows she worked on and the research she did for these, however the book is permeated with heteronormative or gender essentialist assumptions. For example, 'women's sexual organs align with their endocrine gland which is why their sexual energy is so often emotional'; 'kissing is more important to women than men'; 'biologically young men are on the lookout for a suitable mate who will continue the line and will respond to signals in terms of body and attraction and women look for a male with strong genes who can protect and provide'. I had to pause and shut my gaping mouth a few times reading some of these sentences! A lot of these statements were also made without any references or suggestions as to what the author was basing them on.
- There were many descriptions of bodies that were cisgender-focused, without a consideration that it might not apply to everyone. Ita mentions briefly an awareness of 'gender fluidity and gender expression' but only very briefly. Similarly, there was (perhaps some well intentioned, but) questionable terminology used such as 'someone who identifies as a man'. I strongly felt that more research around and consultation with the transgender community would have been beneficial for for this book.
- At times, it felt like 'Intimacy' jumped around and I wondered where the chapter was going. Each chapter had a general theme but at times it felt like we were meandering around the point or were taken on a tangent.
In general, perhaps the fault is with me for assuming an intimacy coordinator would be a little more 'progressive' in terms of language and messages at times. I understand that most of the issues I have were most likely well intentioned, I just would have appreciated a little more research/consultation and referencing.
"In each sphere of intimacy, the willingness to be open and honest is everything. The underlying theme of this book, my work and my life is the need for open communication and transparency"
I wasn't sure what to expect from this ARC but I was intrigued by a foreword from Gillian Anderson, as well as to potentially learn more about intimacy coordinators and potential life lessons that could be translated from their work.
"The trouble is that the screen image of a dominant man and a submissive woman reinforces and creates inequalities. It limits our ability to see ourselves and each other occupying spaces outside of those roles"
In a way, I did learn a lot from this book - especially about film and TV and the work of intimacy coordinators in this sector. I found the exploration of the relationship between what we see on the screen and it's impact on 'real life' and vice versa really interesting. For example, the stereotype of what intimacy looks like and how it plays out, the impact of connectivity and smart phones, the increasing widespread availability of porn, and expectations around body image. I also enjoyed Ita talking about specific shows and scenes she worked on and the process of how they came to be/how she worked with the actors. These parts were really illuminating!
"In the absence of easily accessible, healthy education around sexual content, some people turn to pornography as their place to learn what sexual activity should be. The porn industry is inadvertently choreographing our sexual encounters, obscuring what we might want for ourselves."
Another interesting part of this book, which the first half comprised of, was outlining the importance of connecting to your own body through the techniques of mindfulness and grounding. There were lots of exercises in the book which were useful for beginners to these kinds of techniques. I found some of them very relaxing and valuable, however others were not for me! There are some beautiful illustrations in 'Intimacy', with many usefully depicting how to sit/move etc. My only difficulty with practical exercises with this ARC was that I would have found it much easier to follow the book as an audio for those - but that's a personal preference.
"Our culture worships the harmony phase, but a good relationship thrives on surviving the mess. The work of intimacy is the collision of imperfections and how we manage those"
In terms of what I thought could be improved:
- A LOT of this book felt extremely heteronormative and cisgender-focused. I appreciated the author's mentions about queer shows she worked on and the research she did for these, however the book is permeated with heteronormative or gender essentialist assumptions. For example, 'women's sexual organs align with their endocrine gland which is why their sexual energy is so often emotional'; 'kissing is more important to women than men'; 'biologically young men are on the lookout for a suitable mate who will continue the line and will respond to signals in terms of body and attraction and women look for a male with strong genes who can protect and provide'. I had to pause and shut my gaping mouth a few times reading some of these sentences! A lot of these statements were also made without any references or suggestions as to what the author was basing them on.
- There were many descriptions of bodies that were cisgender-focused, without a consideration that it might not apply to everyone. Ita mentions briefly an awareness of 'gender fluidity and gender expression' but only very briefly. Similarly, there was (perhaps some well intentioned, but) questionable terminology used such as 'someone who identifies as a man'. I strongly felt that more research around and consultation with the transgender community would have been beneficial for for this book.
- At times, it felt like 'Intimacy' jumped around and I wondered where the chapter was going. Each chapter had a general theme but at times it felt like we were meandering around the point or were taken on a tangent.
In general, perhaps the fault is with me for assuming an intimacy coordinator would be a little more 'progressive' in terms of language and messages at times. I understand that most of the issues I have were most likely well intentioned, I just would have appreciated a little more research/consultation and referencing.
July 15, 2025
Ita O’Brien’s Intimacy is a thoughtful, compassionate, and refreshingly practical guide to deepening connection—not just with romantic or sexual partners, but with ourselves and others in all areas of life.
Drawing from her pioneering work as an Intimacy Coordinator on productions like Normal People and I May Destroy You, O’Brien combines professional insight with emotional intelligence to deliver a book that is both deeply personal and widely relatable.
If you're worried this is a textbook for those in the entertainment industry don’t be.
While it offers fascinating behind-the-scenes glimpses into the world of film, television and theatre intimacy coordination, the real heart of this book lies in its universal messages: how we understand consent, define our boundaries, cultivate connection, and communicate our needs.
This book covers it all, and does so with warmth, clarity, and inclusivity.
What I appreciated most was the accessible and affirming tone.
O’Brien avoids prescriptive advice and allows space for readers to define intimacy on their own terms.
Her language is inclusive and sex-positive, making this an empowering read for people of all genders, orientations, and relationship styles.
The book is also body-positive, encouraging us to embrace our desires and take ownership of our intimate lives.
The reflective prompts included throughout are genuinely helpful for self-exploration, and they pushed me to consider what I truly want from connection whether romantic, platonic, or internal.
I found myself thinking not just about my relationships with others, but about my relationship with myself, too.
The sections that delve into O’Brien’s work on screen intimacy were a real highlight.
These real-life case studies how intimate scenes are choreographed, how actors are supported, and how consent is embedded into the creative process; were not only interesting but also illuminating in showing how the media we consume shapes our perceptions of intimacy.
Topics like the impact of porn, the role of smart phones, body image expectations, and societal scripts around intimacy are handled with nuance and care.
I gave the book four stars instead of five only because some themes felt slightly repetitive in places, and I would have appreciated a broader range of personal anecdotes or voices. But this is a minor flaw in what is otherwise a powerful and engaging read.
And really, if Gillian Anderson is prepared to write the foreword, you know you’re onto a good thing and this book absolutely did not disappoint.
Whether you're looking to strengthen your relationships, better understand your desires, or simply build a more authentic connection with yourself, Ita O’Brien offers the tools and insight to help you get there.
A must-read for anyone who cares about connection, communication, and consent.
I'd like to take the time to try out some of the exercises with my husband when we have child-free time I think it would be illuminating for us both.
With thanks to NetGalley and the publishers for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
Drawing from her pioneering work as an Intimacy Coordinator on productions like Normal People and I May Destroy You, O’Brien combines professional insight with emotional intelligence to deliver a book that is both deeply personal and widely relatable.
If you're worried this is a textbook for those in the entertainment industry don’t be.
While it offers fascinating behind-the-scenes glimpses into the world of film, television and theatre intimacy coordination, the real heart of this book lies in its universal messages: how we understand consent, define our boundaries, cultivate connection, and communicate our needs.
This book covers it all, and does so with warmth, clarity, and inclusivity.
What I appreciated most was the accessible and affirming tone.
O’Brien avoids prescriptive advice and allows space for readers to define intimacy on their own terms.
Her language is inclusive and sex-positive, making this an empowering read for people of all genders, orientations, and relationship styles.
The book is also body-positive, encouraging us to embrace our desires and take ownership of our intimate lives.
The reflective prompts included throughout are genuinely helpful for self-exploration, and they pushed me to consider what I truly want from connection whether romantic, platonic, or internal.
I found myself thinking not just about my relationships with others, but about my relationship with myself, too.
The sections that delve into O’Brien’s work on screen intimacy were a real highlight.
These real-life case studies how intimate scenes are choreographed, how actors are supported, and how consent is embedded into the creative process; were not only interesting but also illuminating in showing how the media we consume shapes our perceptions of intimacy.
Topics like the impact of porn, the role of smart phones, body image expectations, and societal scripts around intimacy are handled with nuance and care.
I gave the book four stars instead of five only because some themes felt slightly repetitive in places, and I would have appreciated a broader range of personal anecdotes or voices. But this is a minor flaw in what is otherwise a powerful and engaging read.
And really, if Gillian Anderson is prepared to write the foreword, you know you’re onto a good thing and this book absolutely did not disappoint.
Whether you're looking to strengthen your relationships, better understand your desires, or simply build a more authentic connection with yourself, Ita O’Brien offers the tools and insight to help you get there.
A must-read for anyone who cares about connection, communication, and consent.
I'd like to take the time to try out some of the exercises with my husband when we have child-free time I think it would be illuminating for us both.
With thanks to NetGalley and the publishers for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
September 22, 2025
My thanks to the Publishers via NetGalley for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
This book is not the sort of book that I usually read. I chose it to fulfil a reading challenge ~ A book in a genre that you wouldn't normally read. I don't tend to read many non fiction books like this as it's a self help style of book, but on reading the book it's so much more than just a self help book.
The author draws on her experiences as an Intimacy Coordinator. She has been instrumental in working with actors both on and off screen, discussing with them what might be expected of them during intimate scenes on screen and how they might cope with it, emotionally, physically, etc. She has helped with the choreographing of the scenes of many series, etc.
The book is a jumbled mix that jumps between the graphic intimate sections and the personal experiences that she has had in her working life.
Whilst, I did enjoy certain aspects of the book more than others. I feel that she could have been a little more structured in the way that it was written. I dipped in and out of it while reading it and certain parts of the book, did make me think about the relationships that we form with one another both emotionally and intimately, and how we learn to deal with the feelings of others while in a relationship..
Below are two quotes that spoke out to me for various reasons.
In the quote below the author is explaining about when she worked on an adaptation by Laure de Clermont-Tonnerre's 2022 film adaptation of Lady Chatterley's Lover written by D.H. Lawrence. The challenge was to choreograph the passion that developed between Lady Chatterley and the estate gamekeeper Mellors.
Quote 1
' This was a relationship that was so transgressive when the book was written in 1928 that it was only published iii an unexpurgated form in England in 1960, after a famous obscenity trial. Nowadays people aren't so shocked about a love affair across the class barriers, but the relationship is still the heart of the story. Both characters find liberation because of it, so the challenge was to find ways of showing each beat of its development on screen for the audience to understand its significance. '
The quote below is very poignant and made me think quite deeply about our lives and the lives of our female children and female grandchildren, et al. It's quite thought provoking really in my opinion.
Quote 2
' I always think it is a beautiful thing that a female baby in her mother's womb contains all the eggs that she will produce in her reproductive life. Effectively, if a woman gives birth to a girl, she is giving birth to the seed of her own grandchildren. Once those are used , that is it! That's one reason menopause is such a sharp process. Ovulation ends and hormone production drops over a relatively short period of time. It is really the end of something.'
This book is not the sort of book that I usually read. I chose it to fulfil a reading challenge ~ A book in a genre that you wouldn't normally read. I don't tend to read many non fiction books like this as it's a self help style of book, but on reading the book it's so much more than just a self help book.
The author draws on her experiences as an Intimacy Coordinator. She has been instrumental in working with actors both on and off screen, discussing with them what might be expected of them during intimate scenes on screen and how they might cope with it, emotionally, physically, etc. She has helped with the choreographing of the scenes of many series, etc.
The book is a jumbled mix that jumps between the graphic intimate sections and the personal experiences that she has had in her working life.
Whilst, I did enjoy certain aspects of the book more than others. I feel that she could have been a little more structured in the way that it was written. I dipped in and out of it while reading it and certain parts of the book, did make me think about the relationships that we form with one another both emotionally and intimately, and how we learn to deal with the feelings of others while in a relationship..
Below are two quotes that spoke out to me for various reasons.
In the quote below the author is explaining about when she worked on an adaptation by Laure de Clermont-Tonnerre's 2022 film adaptation of Lady Chatterley's Lover written by D.H. Lawrence. The challenge was to choreograph the passion that developed between Lady Chatterley and the estate gamekeeper Mellors.
Quote 1
' This was a relationship that was so transgressive when the book was written in 1928 that it was only published iii an unexpurgated form in England in 1960, after a famous obscenity trial. Nowadays people aren't so shocked about a love affair across the class barriers, but the relationship is still the heart of the story. Both characters find liberation because of it, so the challenge was to find ways of showing each beat of its development on screen for the audience to understand its significance. '
The quote below is very poignant and made me think quite deeply about our lives and the lives of our female children and female grandchildren, et al. It's quite thought provoking really in my opinion.
Quote 2
' I always think it is a beautiful thing that a female baby in her mother's womb contains all the eggs that she will produce in her reproductive life. Effectively, if a woman gives birth to a girl, she is giving birth to the seed of her own grandchildren. Once those are used , that is it! That's one reason menopause is such a sharp process. Ovulation ends and hormone production drops over a relatively short period of time. It is really the end of something.'
June 3, 2025
I was curious to read this book as I’ve always wondered what it would be like for actors to perform physically intimate scenes. I’ve always thought it must be very odd to get so close to colleagues. The book did give some very interesting insights into how actors work with an intimacy co-ordinator, but it wasn’t the main thrust of the narrative (apologies for the pun).
A hefty chunk of the book is pretty woo-woo. I’m not personally into things like chakras, gazing at myself in the mirror, or grounding, so I confess I skipped past those parts. However, people who are more interested in spirituality and who want to explore those aspects of themselves and their partner might enjoy them. I read an ARC which made it clear that there was an intention to add more illustrations to this section - I think these would probably be beneficial to readers.
The part of the book exploring how attitudes to sex have changed, how young people are being heavily influenced by violent pornography and toxic individuals online, and what can be done to address this, fascinated me. It felt like an important discussion, as did the chapters considering changing needs for sex and intimacy for older people. Perhaps that interest reflects my own life stage as a perimenopausal woman with children in their teens and twenties, as a writer about romantic relationships, and as a former educator. For me, this elevated the book to a solid 3.5 stars. It would have been higher if it had included more insights into what it’s like for actors to portray intimacy on stage and screen.
A hefty chunk of the book is pretty woo-woo. I’m not personally into things like chakras, gazing at myself in the mirror, or grounding, so I confess I skipped past those parts. However, people who are more interested in spirituality and who want to explore those aspects of themselves and their partner might enjoy them. I read an ARC which made it clear that there was an intention to add more illustrations to this section - I think these would probably be beneficial to readers.
The part of the book exploring how attitudes to sex have changed, how young people are being heavily influenced by violent pornography and toxic individuals online, and what can be done to address this, fascinated me. It felt like an important discussion, as did the chapters considering changing needs for sex and intimacy for older people. Perhaps that interest reflects my own life stage as a perimenopausal woman with children in their teens and twenties, as a writer about romantic relationships, and as a former educator. For me, this elevated the book to a solid 3.5 stars. It would have been higher if it had included more insights into what it’s like for actors to portray intimacy on stage and screen.
March 3, 2026
Ever wondered how someone becomes an intimacy coordinator, and what that job actually looks like behind the scenes? I picked up Intimacy out of pure curiosity and walked away with so much more than I expected.
Ita O'Brien brings years of on set experience to the page, having worked on productions like Normal People, Sex Education, I May Destroy You, and Brave New World. But this isn’t just a behind the curtain look at film and television. It’s also a thoughtful exploration of boundaries, communication, consent, and self awareness.
Her voice is warm, direct, and refreshingly human. Reading it feels less like a formal guide and more like sitting across from a seasoned professional who’s generously sharing everything she’s learned. She explains how intimate scenes are carefully choreographed to protect actors while still delivering authentic emotion on screen, and then connects those same principles to real life relationships.
What surprised me most is how practical it all feels. This isn’t only for people in the industry. It’s for anyone interested in understanding their own needs, limits, and ways of connecting with others more intentionally.
Insightful, unique, and genuinely eye opening, this book offers a perspective you don’t often get to see and makes you rethink how intimacy is built, both on camera and off.
Ita O'Brien brings years of on set experience to the page, having worked on productions like Normal People, Sex Education, I May Destroy You, and Brave New World. But this isn’t just a behind the curtain look at film and television. It’s also a thoughtful exploration of boundaries, communication, consent, and self awareness.
Her voice is warm, direct, and refreshingly human. Reading it feels less like a formal guide and more like sitting across from a seasoned professional who’s generously sharing everything she’s learned. She explains how intimate scenes are carefully choreographed to protect actors while still delivering authentic emotion on screen, and then connects those same principles to real life relationships.
What surprised me most is how practical it all feels. This isn’t only for people in the industry. It’s for anyone interested in understanding their own needs, limits, and ways of connecting with others more intentionally.
Insightful, unique, and genuinely eye opening, this book offers a perspective you don’t often get to see and makes you rethink how intimacy is built, both on camera and off.
Review of advance copy received from Netgalley
I received an eARC of this book from NetGalley and the publisher, for which I thank them.
“Intimacy” is by Ita O’Brien. This book wasn’t quite what I expected from the summary. Ms. O’Brien is a highly regarding Intimacy Coordinator, a job that I strongly believe needs to be part of any movie/play/production where intimacy is involved (this came about after #MeToo/#TimesUp). I enjoyed reading about her work and how she goes about ensuring that everyone in the scene is comfortable with the actions. The memoir part of this book I found enjoyable, because I’m positive not many people wake up and decide “I’m going to be an intimacy coordinator,” and it’s rather fascinating. I wasn’t as enthralled by the non-memoir parts - while not bad, it wasn’t as interesting to me, which is sad because it felt like that was the point of this book. Breathing exercises may be good in general, but there seemed to be a lot of them. Also, and this is on me, I haven’t seen any of the movies/TV programs Ms. O’Brien used as examples in this book, so I was a bit lost at knowing what scenes to which she referred. I can see some people enjoying and learning from this book, but for me the strongest points were the memoir parts.
“Intimacy” is by Ita O’Brien. This book wasn’t quite what I expected from the summary. Ms. O’Brien is a highly regarding Intimacy Coordinator, a job that I strongly believe needs to be part of any movie/play/production where intimacy is involved (this came about after #MeToo/#TimesUp). I enjoyed reading about her work and how she goes about ensuring that everyone in the scene is comfortable with the actions. The memoir part of this book I found enjoyable, because I’m positive not many people wake up and decide “I’m going to be an intimacy coordinator,” and it’s rather fascinating. I wasn’t as enthralled by the non-memoir parts - while not bad, it wasn’t as interesting to me, which is sad because it felt like that was the point of this book. Breathing exercises may be good in general, but there seemed to be a lot of them. Also, and this is on me, I haven’t seen any of the movies/TV programs Ms. O’Brien used as examples in this book, so I was a bit lost at knowing what scenes to which she referred. I can see some people enjoying and learning from this book, but for me the strongest points were the memoir parts.
April 12, 2025
Thanks to Ebury Publishing and NetGally for the opportunity to read and review this book.
This is a wonderfully put together book that gives the reader insight into some facets of the film and TV industry that we don't see (but I often wonder about when watching intimate scenes) and I really enjoyed getting an understanding of that.
This was also an empowering and emotional read as it walks through body and sex positivity, both how this is used in industry and how to apply that as individuals (and we should all be here for that).
There are practical exercises added throughout the book and they are a brilliant addition, making this feel like a workbook as much as anything else. And although my early copy was still awaiting final touches, I have no doubt the finished version will be great. (The illustrations were clear and inclusive, too (lots of body types shown) which was nice to see.)
If you're worried this is a text book for those in the industry, it's not - it contains so much that is important in relationships - consent, boundaries (my favourite) connection, communication, this book covers it all!
This is a wonderfully put together book that gives the reader insight into some facets of the film and TV industry that we don't see (but I often wonder about when watching intimate scenes) and I really enjoyed getting an understanding of that.
This was also an empowering and emotional read as it walks through body and sex positivity, both how this is used in industry and how to apply that as individuals (and we should all be here for that).
There are practical exercises added throughout the book and they are a brilliant addition, making this feel like a workbook as much as anything else. And although my early copy was still awaiting final touches, I have no doubt the finished version will be great. (The illustrations were clear and inclusive, too (lots of body types shown) which was nice to see.)
If you're worried this is a text book for those in the industry, it's not - it contains so much that is important in relationships - consent, boundaries (my favourite) connection, communication, this book covers it all!
January 11, 2026
What an informative read! I truly appreciate how detailed this was and how it went into such depth on intimacy. Not just focussing on the intimacy everyone assumes , but discussion about the intimacy of consent, family, acceptance and communication. I especially enjoyed chapter 7 and found it very informative and relatable. I liked all the exercises provided. I also think it is so important to discuss how toxic Hollywood really is. It creates such an unrealistic expectation of life and relationships and she talks about how damaging it is for both men and women to be objectified and the decline of confidence and acceptance within the limelight. She also discussed many actors that she has worked with, and it made me think more about how we really are all just human. It really was a great read. I gave it 3 stars just because it did get slow in many areas and I found myself losing interest. Overall though I learned a lot and did enjoy it.
Thank you to Random House | The Dial Press publishing for providing me an ARC via Netgalley in exchange for my review.
Thank you to Random House | The Dial Press publishing for providing me an ARC via Netgalley in exchange for my review.
April 12, 2025
For those who don’t know Ita O’Brien is a renowned intimacy coordinator working in film and television and the founder of Intimacy on Set focusing on providing safe, fair and dignified work environments during intimate scenes. She’s worked on a number of well known shows include Normal People and Sex Education.
Using her knowledge from her professional role, O’Brien has brought us this book to teach us about intimacy in personal relationships, desire and communication.
I thought this book was brilliant - if Gillian Anderson is prepared to provide a foreword, you know you’re onto a good thing and this book did not disappoint. The combination of real life and the behind the scenes peaks was great and kept my interest peaked throughout.
It’s sex positive and body positive and encourages all of us to take control or our desires and intimate relationships. It covers a broad range of important topics including consent and boundaries.
Using her knowledge from her professional role, O’Brien has brought us this book to teach us about intimacy in personal relationships, desire and communication.
I thought this book was brilliant - if Gillian Anderson is prepared to provide a foreword, you know you’re onto a good thing and this book did not disappoint. The combination of real life and the behind the scenes peaks was great and kept my interest peaked throughout.
It’s sex positive and body positive and encourages all of us to take control or our desires and intimate relationships. It covers a broad range of important topics including consent and boundaries.
April 5, 2025
Thank you to Ita O'Brien, Ebury Publishing and NetGalley for giving me early access to this book.
Intimacy is a deeply insightful and empowering read that dives headfirst into body and sex positivity—and I was so here for it. I’ve admired Ita O’Brien’s work for years, and this book only solidified that admiration. It’s honest, educational, and incredibly inclusive, celebrating every kind of body with beautiful visuals that actually reflect the real world.
The practical exercises added throughout the book are thoughtful, making the topic feel both approachable and personal. While I read an early copy, I’m genuinely excited to see how the final version shapes up. This book isn’t just for performers or professionals—it’s for anyone curious about connection, boundaries, and confidence in their own skin.
Intimacy is a deeply insightful and empowering read that dives headfirst into body and sex positivity—and I was so here for it. I’ve admired Ita O’Brien’s work for years, and this book only solidified that admiration. It’s honest, educational, and incredibly inclusive, celebrating every kind of body with beautiful visuals that actually reflect the real world.
The practical exercises added throughout the book are thoughtful, making the topic feel both approachable and personal. While I read an early copy, I’m genuinely excited to see how the final version shapes up. This book isn’t just for performers or professionals—it’s for anyone curious about connection, boundaries, and confidence in their own skin.
July 27, 2025
Thank you to the publishers and NetGalley for the ARC of this book.
This took me a while to read: I felt that I had to be in a certain frame of mind to fully focus on the message of the book.
I would say this is a mix of educational and self-help. Using her past experiences, including that of intimacy co-ordinator, the author highlights how intimacy can take many forms, and how we are responsible for understanding our own needs and vocalising them (there are exercises in the book to help with this) It also highlighted that we need to be more open as a society about intimacy, and that we should not take our intimacy education from what we see in the media.
I found the book to be very insightful, would recommend to anyone that is learning to understand themselves more or to strengthen their relationships.
This took me a while to read: I felt that I had to be in a certain frame of mind to fully focus on the message of the book.
I would say this is a mix of educational and self-help. Using her past experiences, including that of intimacy co-ordinator, the author highlights how intimacy can take many forms, and how we are responsible for understanding our own needs and vocalising them (there are exercises in the book to help with this) It also highlighted that we need to be more open as a society about intimacy, and that we should not take our intimacy education from what we see in the media.
I found the book to be very insightful, would recommend to anyone that is learning to understand themselves more or to strengthen their relationships.
September 21, 2025
I unfortunately was disappointed by this book. Its main takeaways are: practice mindfulness and have open conversations with yourself and partners about desire and consent.
There was a lot of meandering writing and pseudoscience or outdated ideas that I was like...why? Examples include: men are attracted to someone that will will continue their bloodline and women want a provider; stuff around 'divine feminine/masculine'; grounding and electron flows. In the end I regret reading this book, and it read like a school essay to me. For things around intimacy and pleasure I would recommend Nakoski and Perel instead.
I did like her anecdotes about her work and details about how different intimate scenes were constructed and negotiated.
There was a lot of meandering writing and pseudoscience or outdated ideas that I was like...why? Examples include: men are attracted to someone that will will continue their bloodline and women want a provider; stuff around 'divine feminine/masculine'; grounding and electron flows. In the end I regret reading this book, and it read like a school essay to me. For things around intimacy and pleasure I would recommend Nakoski and Perel instead.
I did like her anecdotes about her work and details about how different intimate scenes were constructed and negotiated.
November 11, 2025
Interesting book by pioneer intimacy coordinator Ita O'Brien, who delves into the various forms of intimacy. She provides an overview of her process and helps readers understand how it was applied when filming certain films/shows (for example, to make intimate scenes more comfortable and less daunting for actors). She also suggests that her approach could be applied to the real world and demonstrates practical ways on how to do this, arming readers with techniques that will enable them to feel safer and more comfortable in their relationships.
A lot of the information presented is useful and enlightening, although it didn't feel like the book description accurately depicted what was inside it.
A lot of the information presented is useful and enlightening, although it didn't feel like the book description accurately depicted what was inside it.
Read
February 3, 2026weirdly marketed as a quasi self-help book that also details how intimacy is facilitated on screen. I wish it solely focused on the latter. alot of the information included I already knew and some were not laid out in the most beneficial way but I firmly believe in the timeline and ongoing development of intimacy coordination being documented and not dismissed. big use of quotes and information from online sources (especially from Florence Pugh! queen) and then some information that didn't have to be included. I did not expect to see the explanation of Chakras and breathing exercises (in a performance context) post-acting school. This also reminded me I need to watch I May Destroy You. I have been recommended this many times and I will get to it asap.
February 11, 2026
Thank you to NetGalley and the Dial Press for the ARC in exchange for an honest review.
This one was a bit tough for me but overall I am glad I read it and I’ve already recommended it to a number of my friends. As someone who falls on the asexual spectrum, I get a bit lost in books manly focused on sexual connection, but I’m aware that’s not the fault of the author. The stories of her work as an intimacy coordinator meant a really unique vantage point to her observations and recommendations. The pacing felt a bit off for me too, with some chapters/key points taking way more space and time than I felt they needed. So overall really good read that I acknowledge I’m just not the primary audience for.
This one was a bit tough for me but overall I am glad I read it and I’ve already recommended it to a number of my friends. As someone who falls on the asexual spectrum, I get a bit lost in books manly focused on sexual connection, but I’m aware that’s not the fault of the author. The stories of her work as an intimacy coordinator meant a really unique vantage point to her observations and recommendations. The pacing felt a bit off for me too, with some chapters/key points taking way more space and time than I felt they needed. So overall really good read that I acknowledge I’m just not the primary audience for.
May 8, 2026
I kept having this nagging feeling that the book doesn’t really know what it wants to be. There are some cool grounding exercises and a bit about movement studies, but overall the chapters mainly jump back and forth between anecdotes about O’Brien’s work experience as an intimacy coach on movie sets. It’s more of a compilation of what actors have said about working with her—really not a field guide at all. I can appreciate her aiming to highlight the need for better sex education for young people as well as realistic representation of intimacy in older age. However, if you’re interested in anything mentioned in this book, you can undoubtedly find more in-depth, dedicated work on that subject.
October 31, 2025
⭐️⭐️⭐️.5/5
Thank you to the author and netgalley for the ARC opportunity.
This book was not what I expected it to be! It definitely is hard to define in regards to category but it definitely was an interesting read.
O'Brien is an intimacy coordinator for actors and choreographs intimate scenes. This is a relatively new field she is an expert in and believes can be applied in real life.
Some of the writing felt repetitive and at times hard to follow in her thought process when it came to translating acting into real life.
Overall, it was an interesting topic but definitely not what I thought it would be.
Thank you to the author and netgalley for the ARC opportunity.
This book was not what I expected it to be! It definitely is hard to define in regards to category but it definitely was an interesting read.
O'Brien is an intimacy coordinator for actors and choreographs intimate scenes. This is a relatively new field she is an expert in and believes can be applied in real life.
Some of the writing felt repetitive and at times hard to follow in her thought process when it came to translating acting into real life.
Overall, it was an interesting topic but definitely not what I thought it would be.
September 14, 2025
Ita O’Brien’s Intimacy is a thoughtful and relatable book that really changed the way I think about closeness and boundaries. Drawing on her work as an intimacy coordinator, O’Brien explains how consent, trust, and communication are essential when portraying vulnerability, but also how these ideas apply to everyday life. I liked how accessible and honest her writing felt, making a serious subject easy to connect with. The book encouraged me to reflect on my own relationships and how I approach personal boundaries. It’s a short but powerful read that feels relevant to everyone.
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