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560 pages, Hardcover
First published August 26, 2025
She knew before she turned around whom she would find at the door.
"Murdoch." [Alice] followed behind him, pathetic—but she didn't know where else to go. "Please don't hate me."
What had she done since they'd come to Hell? Lied, betrayed Peter, betrayed Elspeth, landed them all in this sorry mess.
“Christ,” said Peter. “Hell is a campus.”
“But she didn’t want to transfer elsewhere, she wanted a Cambridge degree. And she didn’t want any advisor, she wanted Professor Jacob Grimes, department chair, Nobel Prize laureate, and twice-elected president of the Royal Academy of Magick. She wanted the golden recommendation letter that opened every door. She wanted to be at the top of every pile. This meant Alice had to go to Hell, and she had to go today.”
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“Good jobs were vanishingly rare in academia. Alice very much wanted one. She wouldn't know what to do with herself otherwise. She had trained her entire life to do this one thing, and if she could not do it, then she had no reason to live.”
“She relished the thought that her adviser might be harsh, impatient, even cruel to others — for that made his attentions to her worth all the more.”
“You’ve barely lived,” said Peter. “There’s so much more to life—wouldn’t you like to try again?”
The undergraduates quivered.
“But magick—”
“But Cambridge—”
“The throne of the intellectual world,” said the more intact girl. “Privileged beyond belief.”
“It is the only rational choice,” declared the boy with glasses. He spoke with such authority, the other undergraduates seemed momentarily to shrink behind him, as if giving him permission to speak for the group. His voice deepened. He gestured as he spoke, in imitation of a professor. “You see, given the population on Earth it is overwhelmingly likely we will be reincarnated into lives under the poverty level. Most of the world population never go to school, let alone come to Cambridge. An unexamined life is not worth living, as Socrates tells us. Therefore to seek reincarnation is to gamble with overwhelmingly bad odds on a life not worth living. For instance, once reincarnated, we could end up doing something like—I don’t know, working rice paddies in China.”
“Milking cows in Arkansas,” agreed the more intact girl.
“Mining diamonds in Africa.”
“Now, look here,” said Alice. “That’s rather prejudiced—”
“Being an idiot.”
“Being an idiot!” All four Shades shuddered; a quivering mass of jelly. “Oh, the horror! Oh, to not be clever!” And one of them wailed, “What if you never learn to read!”
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