Unrequited: Women and Romantic Obsession

by Lisa A. Phillips

Blending memoir, literary exposition, and revealing case studies, a powerful, surprising, and empathetic cultural and psychological exploration of one-sided romantic obsession

The summer Lisa A. Phillips turned thirty, she fell in love with someone who didn’t return her feelings. She soon became obsessed. She followed him around, called him compulsively, and talked about him endlessly. One desperate morning, after she snuck into his apartment building, he picked up a baseball bat to protect himself and began to dial 911. Her unrequited love had changed her from a sane, conscientious college teacher and radio reporter into someone she barely recognized—someone who was taking her yearning much too far.

In Unrequited, Lisa A. Phillips explores the tremendous force of obsessive love in women’s lives. She argues that it needs to be understood, respected, and channeled for personal growth—yet it also has the potential to go terribly awry. Interweaving her own story with frank interviews and in-depth research in science, psychology, cultural history, and literature, Phillips describes how romantic obsession takes root, grows, and strongly influences our thoughts and behaviors.

Going beyond images of creepy, fatally attracted psychos, male fantasies of unbridled female desire, and the platitudes of self-help books, Phillips reveals a powerful, troubling, and surprisingly common phenomenon. As she illuminates this mysterious psychological experience, placing it in a rich and nuanced context, she offers compelling insights to help any woman who have experienced unrequited obsessive love and been mystified and troubled by its grip.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Memoir, Feminism, Relationships, Womens

304 pages, Hardcover

First published January 27, 2015

Reviews

[Charlene · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have read so many disappointing psychology oriented books where the authors claim to be experts but rely on bad studies and have a generally poor ability to engage in critical thinking. This book by phillips was, without question, better than a lot of what I have read about narcissism and obsession.

Phillips uses her own experience as an obsessed stalker type to examine why women become obsessed. She provides incredible references to literature (at times I felt like I was back in some of the best courses I had in college, pouring over Greek and Roman mythology in order to understand why society is the way it is), a summary of psychological and criminological studies, case studies, and interviews. The book is incredibly well written and Phillips comes off as a person who is not an expert, but rather someone who did an incredible amount of research to understand her own experience.

I recommend this book to individuals who like neuroscience, stalking, criminology, psychology, obsession, narcissism, OCD, the history of love/feminine identity, mythology, narratives on being a stupid girl, and the like.

Surprisingly good

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a well-done and non-judgmental book about unrequited love. I definitely think it would be helpful to any women currently suffering from romantic obsession. I'm not currently having that problem, but I have in the past, 4 times to be exact, starting in high school. I think this book would have been great for me to have read during any of those obsessions, but even now that I'm post-obsession and I have a great long-term boyfriend who I'm sure loves me as much as I love him, I was glad to have read this book and revisited some of my past experiences.

I wasn't expecting this book to have been so PITTSBURGHISH! The author's romantic obsession that she wrote about took place in Pittsburgh, PA, where I once lived myself. In fact, she writes about a time when she checked herself into the UPMC psychiatric ward during her obsession and the phychiatric resident there told her it was not uncommon for women to check themselves in over unrequited love. Incredibly, one of my own 4 romantic obsessions I ever had was over a UPMC psychiatric resident doctor I dated back then. That seemed like too amazing of a coincidence for me not to bring up. That guy totally sucked, I'm so appalled at myself for ever thinking that he and I were the right match. But I would say that his cruelty helped me overcome my desire for cruel men. I learned from this book that such lessons are one of the good things that can come from an unrequited love.

If you enjoyed learning a bit about one of my own romantic obsessions and want to hear more such stories, read this book. It also covers history, psychology, and just a touch of self-help.

[Z · Rating 3 out of 5]

Well and thoughtfully researched; the author provides historical perspective on obsessive love in literature and popular culture, as well as medicine and psychology. The section on brain science (the feeling of ‘reward’ and pleasure) was particularly interesting. The personal narratives of both the women involved in obsessive love and the objects of their affection vary in length but each story makes its point. Educators or group discussion leaders could use the author’s examination of sexism and the ways it affects male victims’ situation -- even when a situation is obviously dangerous, the general societal response may be disbelief, sarcasm, or statements that the object of stalking should be flattered or take sexual advantage of a woman -- to begin important classroom discussions on gender, ethics, and law. As a librarian, I’d recommend Unrequited for academic libraries (as supplemental reading for gender studies, sociology, and psychology courses - perhaps criminal justice as well, although that’s not my area) and for public libraries. Book groups may also want to consider Unrequited.

[Marie-e · Rating 5 out of 5]

Almost everyone has been through a relationship breakup. While some bounce back easily after an ending and go on about their lives with better understanding, others seem to get stuck on an obsessive path. Those folks may resort to stalking their love interest, retaliating in ways intended to hurt them, or engaging in other forms of undesirable behaviors.

‘Unrequited: Women and Romantic Obsession’ by Lisa Phillips, gives both sides of the relationship exposure and clarity. It deeply delves into the unrequited lover’s side and the multiple forms this subject has taken throughout history in literature, the arts, psychology, and other fields. It also examines the physiology of 'falling in love' and how ‘limerence’ as a pathology shares significant features with OCD and substance addiction. There is a constant craving that cannot be fully satisfied. When obsession has taken place in the mind and body of an unrequited lover, no matter what the rejecter does, nothing will be right unless he returns his love completely to the one who seeks it.

Preoccupying oneself over a former beloved after being rejected can happen. How to get over it constructively without hurting others in the process is part and parcel what this author aims to share. Phillips gives voice to those beneficial options.

To this reader, respecting one’s choice to walk away from a relationship should be a right we all respect, even when it takes effort. In the end, as the author says, for the unrequited lover, “rejection is mercy”. I enjoyed the book a lot.

[Colleen · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars. I don't think it's worth reading too closely unless you are currently in the grip of a romantic obsession and need some misery-company (it is very skimmable). Otherwise, here's the TLDR: When it’s not creepy or violent, romantic obsession is often seen as noble in men; for women, it’s usually seen as pathetic, at least until it hits “psycho bitch” levels, at which point it’s considered crazy (Fatal Attraction). That's unfair to everyone because it demeans women at multiple levels and trivializes the effects extreme obsession can have on the “beloved”, be they male or female (invasion of privacy, stalking, etc.). (Although it's noteworthy that she doesn't interview any women who committed (or admitted to) anything remotely crime-like.) She also points out that romantic obsessions tend to have less to do with the beloved than the obsessed. So basically, there’s nothing new here. I didn’t find the weaving of literature and psychology to be particularly compelling (I already knew about the research on love as addiction) and her arguments seem not so much arguments as they are obvious states of affair.

[Peacegal · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars --Female stalking is a phenomenon that we rarely hear about. However, the author, a reformed stalker, has collected numerous fascinating stories on the subject. Not all of the "unrequited" relationships were of a romantic nature, and not all involve men as the target. All involved bizarre behavior that often left the perpetrators stunned by what they had done.

In between these examples, Phillips periodically takes us on a fascinating trip around the human brain to understand how alarming behavior can become a twisted sort of addiction and reward for the pursuer.

I also appreciated reading for the first time the true story of Lisa Marie Nowak, the NASA captain infamous for her bizarrely staged attack on her ex and his girlfriend. Before reading this book, I and many others knew her only as the "astro-nut" of TV jokes. I actually felt pity for her after reading this.

[Ace · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lisa A. Phillip’s Unrequited blends well-researched case studies with her own very personal story in this nonfiction/memoir that grapples with the power of obsessive, unrequited love. Phillips approaches this subject with both sympathy and frankness: while she empathizes with “the unwanted woman,” she never coddles; unlike many dating books, she examines the difficult nuances of both being the unwanted lover and the beloved. She details how both male and female stalkers are treated. Most impressively, Phillips intertwines her own story with research in such a way that owns up to her actions – she accepts what she did and never tries to justify it. This book is a fascinating read for anyone interested in psychology, gender studies, or love.

[Melissa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this because it was recommended by the Crazy Ex-Girlfriend creators and as a lover of that show, I clearly wanted to read anything they find inspiring. If you love reading TVTropes and analyzing many literary and real life examples on the same theme, this will be passably interesting to you. While I think it has some good points around the historical and literary differences between male and female unrequited love and the associated behaviors, once the point is made, everything else is just variations on a theme.

[Julene · Rating 2 out of 5]

Having started and then put down this book several times, I think I've finally figured why it doesn't spark my interest: it's meant to be read by a woman in the midst of an unrequited romance, especially if she's leaning heavily towards The Crazy. It would've read better as a series of essays - it lacks flow, relies heavily on unsupported arguments and historical examples repeatedly used out of context. *le sigh* Well, you tried!

[Sean Beaudoin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really smart and interesting take on relationship dynamics. Obsession is such a relative term, and Phillips mines it for many original and startling insights. Very well studied and researched. This book should be read immediately. I've already bought two copies.

[Claire Handscombe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating and important. Why aren't more people talking about this book?

[Irene · Rating 1 out of 5]

The subject of this book was quite interesting, and I did take some valuable insights out of it, but overall I didn't like its approach.

[Shmelon · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was great! I bought this audiobook ages ago, when I must have been in the throes of a crush, but only got around to reading it now, when I decidedly am not. I’ve felt ashamed for most of my adult life for how intensely I crush on people, even though I’ve never come close to acting on my obsessions the way Phillips and many of the women she interviewed have. I really admire her and her interviewees for being so vulnerable, because it immediately relieved me of the shame I was carrying about my own thoughts, which were bothering nobody but me. And boy, were they bothering me a lot! This is the thing I’ve always hated about crushing: it feels like it’s sucking my time and energy and attention away from the things I’d rather be focused on, and it makes it hard for me to enjoy my life. This book was a great supplement to my thinking about that struggle.

A central idea that really stuck out: A romantic obsession or crush is never about the real human on the receiving end. It’s about something we want that we’ve linked to being with that person (maybe a house, social acceptance, career advancement, adventure, security). Obsession stems from seeing another person as a means to an end. So if we disentangle that knot, we get to see our crush as a real human being who may or may not actually be a good fit for us romantically, and we also get some valuable information about our own desires and values. Build your own damn house, girl!

[Bookworm · Rating 2 out of 5]

Best if you're currently experiencing this. There was some interesting information here, but otherwise this wasn't exactly a barn burner. You've likely experienced this or know someone who has really been into someone but who didn't return the feeling. And this title explores some of the behaviors of those who didn't, which often cross into the creepy and criminal (including by the author herself). The people involved, the circumstances, how it did not work out, how one party (sometimes both (dealt with the unrequited feelings), etc.
 
It got repetitive. Person A meets person B. Person B does not return the feelings for various reasons (not ready, bad relationship experience, just not interested, not the right time, etc.). Person A does not accept this and behaves in a manner that ranges from normal post-break up behavior to pathetic to outright criminal. Sometimes this results in criminal charges/restraining orders, etc. Sometimes not and Person B is left to coping and dealing.
 
The author mostly focuses on female targets, noting the gender differences, the perceptions from entities like the police, etc. In all honesty I found this more interesting in the reverse: when the stalker was female and the victim male. It was interesting to read some of the stories of the male victims who didn't want to press charges, who were afraid to approach the authorities at all, etc. and how gender roles/perceptions played into it. It was a bit of a pity that most (all? after awhile I just skimmed) of the stories involved  heterosexual couples.
 
But like a Goodreads review says, I felt the book never *really* got into the meat of stories like this. It was more about examples and the fallout. Even when examining her own behavior, I never felt the author delved deeply into the why and how. It could also be that I have no patience for this sort of thing and have never experienced it myself (either as the obsessed or as the target). Like many other reviews say, may be most helpful for someone actually going through this, but otherwise it's another forgettable pseudo-science book.

[Jaden Farley · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't finish this at around 50%

I liked how Phillips went into the historical depictions of women and men in "lovesickness" and how they are viewed differently. I also enjoyed some of the personal stories she interweaved throughout.

It just felt so repetitive? Maybe I didn't get far enough into the book, but I wish she would've gone into how to heal obsessive tendencies when romantically rejected and gone more into attachment theory.

[Kathleen · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was well-done. Author Lisa Phillips writes empathetically (and from some personal experience) about women who fall into a self-destructive pattern of romantic obsession. At the same time, she refuses to give them "a gender pass" and explains how one way she got over her strong (and not shared) romantic feelings for "B.," was by imaging that a man was acting the same way she was.

Personally, as a single woman I stayed away as soon as I realized I was an "unwanted woman," and, for that reason, I didn't feel a whole lot of empathy myself for some of the stories, although they were interesting to read. The cringe-factor is pretty high in this book, though I can recognize that it's well-researched and undoubtedly could be helpful to some. It's the kind of book that has some ideas that are worth sharing with daughters, providing you don't mind some coarse language.

[Karen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Parts of this book were interesting, but other parts annoyed me. Her examples were almost all about women who had obsessively pursued someone (usually men), as if obsession always meant actively pursuing someone. She talked about the effects on the women, but not much about what would make them susceptible to getting hung up on someone unavailable in the first place or to making bad decisions. And while her points about ways we can make unrequited love a learning experience were useful, it didn't quite square with her determination to prevent her daughter from ever feeling it (which seems like an obsession in itself). Ultimately, I felt like this wasn't a big enough topic for a full book.

[Carol · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think I chose this book by mistake as someone recommended a novel with a similar name. Regardless, I read it and found it very interesting to see how women who were aggressively pursuing men over the years are treated very differently than men doing the same. It was an interesting study.

[Dawn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nothing that you wouldn't expect but puts our obsession for love in perspective and makes any woman who has gone through this experience feel confident that others feel the same way. Kind of redundant yet reinforcing.

[Jami Lin · Rating 5 out of 5]

So fascinating, and the way she blends pop culture with exhaustive research and her own story is admirable.

[Kieran · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have a lot of mixed feelings and opinions about this book.
To start off with, I found this book because it was recommended to a woman who was having a difficult time getting over one of their exes. I decided to check it out because while I'm currently in a long term relationship with a loving man who I'm also engaged to, this was not always the case. As a person from a very abusive and traumatizing background, I would cope with it by becoming obsessively attached to men who were quite honestly awful people in hindsight. Apparently, many women unfortunately do this.

I'm going to start by talking about what I like and found useful about this book:

- The fact that the author is actually talking about something that affects women, that society doesn't want to acknowledge at all outside of misogynistic tropes about "crazy ex girlfriends" and "bunny boilers".

- The cultural/social/historical analysis sprinkled throughout the book, like the story about Galen diagnosing Iustus's wife with lovesickness, and how lovesickness in women is seen as a threat to patriarchal societies and women who stray from their husbands or engage in other "deviant" behavior are punished harshly while the men are typically let off with a slap on the wrist if even that. Or how male lovesickness is seen as something noble, while female lovesickness is seen as being pathetic. "No matter which role a woman plays in unrequited love, she is the problem. Feeling impossible desire disgraces her, and so does being its object."

- Acknowledging that many woman who become "obsessed" tend to have backgrounds of being abused or abandoned. After reading a lot of women's anecdotes as well as the author's, I have honestly felt less alone and guilty about my experiences. Especially since I never did anything like what many of the women in the anecdotes did, such as showing up at the house/apartment of their beloved.

What I don't like about the book:

- This book feels very much like a product of its time (mid 2010s) in regard to the undercurrent of milquetoast white liberal "it's just as bad as when women do it" feminism that runs through it. I feel like the author does not recognize the fact that many of these women, while they may have reacted poorly, were reacting to shitty, manipulative, and abusive behaviors from crappy men.
The fact that the author dedicated an entire chapter to trying to argue that female stalkers don't get taken seriously, is insane in and of itself but her examples are worse. While I have no love for Patricia, she very much got handed a restraining order for harassing her affair partner who cut her off, and in addition to the restraining order she was mocked and harassed by the police. There are scores of women who have male stalkers who have done much worse than what Patricia did, and they still can't get a restraining order, and the police definitely aren't cruising by their stalkers' houses just to mock them. A woman is far more likely to be attacked, raped, or killed by a man who is stalking her than a man is from a woman who is stalking him.

- She describes her exes behavior as "confused and insensitive" rather than cruel. This is yet another way in which men dodge responsibility for behaving like scrotes, and get let off the hook by women who enable them. They never get assigned malice for their dickish behavior, they just get seen as poor little boys who are simply insensitive, ignorant, or confused, even when they're in their 40s and are well past the age of knowing better, like the author's target of obsession was. While I also think the author should have known better than to get with a taken man in the first place, her ex's behavior was incredibly cruel and manipulative towards both the author and his girlfriend. B sounds objectively, like a total loser, and the author is too busy flagellating herself and other abused women for their "narcissism" when they're rejected (or abused) to realize this.

Overall I'm still giving this book three stars because even though the author can simultaneously analyze how screwed over lovesick/"obsessed" women are in our society due to patriarchal standards while also somehow still falling into the misogynistic myth that women don't get held to the same standards when it comes to stalking/abuse/violence/etc, I am still happy that somebody has at least taken the time to explore this topic, and I can say that I got more good than bad out of reading this book, mostly from the cultural/social/biological/psychological analysis and feeling like I'm less broken and alone in how I felt when I was younger.

[Raizel · Rating 4 out of 5]

For me, picking this book up was a deeply personal choice. My first love at age 14 swept me into an obsessive stupor that lasted until I left for college at 18. It deprived me of my dignity. In many ways it felt like an addiction, so much so that I no longer enjoyed the fruits of pursuing, but I was compelled to continue to pursue.

I have spent the majority of my life at this point trying to understand what happened to me back then, and why it was so hard to get over, even when it effected my other relationships— familial, personal, and romantic. Even when it was clear the object of my desire wasn’t that into me. I learned I had this compulsion, this propensity, toward emotional intensity. It terrified me. I spent most of my late teens and twenties either avoiding deep attachment to others, or hyper-attaching to whoever my romantic partner was at the time. My experiences with romantic obsession alchemized into anxiety and avoidance of future rejection.

But, the experience of obsession in love also alchemized into my life’s purpose. It moved me forward. To distract myself from pain I focused on school. Due to my curiosity about what had taken me over, I studied hard and became a neuroscientist who today studies drug addiction. Without my teenage obsession, I may not have developed a deep personal motivation that propelled me into my life’s work and purpose.

The power of love, especially when it crosses that line into the transcendent, is mind-boggling. The author succeeded in what she set out to do: write the book she wished she’d had at the time of her obsessive love. For me, this was that book in a lot of ways. It’s not perfect but it was so refreshing to hear ideas I’ve had and observations I’ve felt reflected back as part of a larger contextual narrative. I wasn’t just some crazy girl, but experiencing something to which history has been no stranger. I kept highlighting passages like “yes! This!” Its words helped me reach a new plane of understanding about myself, my intense depth of feeling, and a new context for my girlhood obsession. Finally, it provided fresh ideas for how to wield the creative power of my emotional intensity into purpose.

[Omar Delawar · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book in one sentence:
How to not let your romantic obsession get the best of you

Impressions?
The author does a great job explaining the pitfalls of romantic obsession especially in women but she is a bit dry on solutions, and only provides a surface-level explanation of the "why" it happens. Namely, how upbringing and childhood trauma can have a huge influence and what to do in those scenarios. She also fails to connect romantic obsession with low self-esteem a psychological fact that has been known for decades. There were some great insights even for men. (See favorite quotes below).

Who should read it?
Women who are prone to romantic obsessions.

Favorite quote(s)?
"When men and women fall in love, they experience identical neurochemical and hormonal changes – that is, with one exception: testosterone. This hormone, associated with sex drive and aggression, goes up in women while it drops in men. In other words, when women are in love, their masculine side is heightened, filling them with a fighting spirit and making them just as determined as men to pursue their love interest."

"Unrequited love can turn people into narcissists and masochists as they embody just this kind of self-centered behavior. For instance, a woman who has been rejected by her beloved might cease to even see the other person as she becomes completely consumed by her own romantic delusions and desires. She’ll experience the other person as an extension of herself and not as a separate individual. And, just like a textbook narcissist, she’ll be incapable of distinguishing her own desires from those of the other. As a result, she won’t be able to understand that her nightly 03:00 a.m. wake-up calls serve only herself; instead, she’ll believe that all her obsessive behaviors are sacrifices for her unrequited love."

Readability: Hard ----o Easy
Practicality: Low -o--- High
Insights: Few --o-- Many
Length: Long ---o- Short
Overall: Bad --o-- Amazing

[Gabriela · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book presents us with an unusual subject matter: the female romantic obsession, its historical and cultural causes, as well as its vivid, numerous depictions in pop culture. It contains examples from the everyday life (based on the author's own experiences) presented in an non-judgmental way and compares the treatment of "romantically obsessed" women with their male counterpart. It's really interesting to read how each gender receives totally different treatment, how people of both genders get "groomed" into certain social stereotypes and expected behaviors, how they are encouraged to act and feel in a certain way that actually might not be the best one there is. Women in this fragile state are seen as non-threatening and are given a gender pass while similar behavior demonstrated by men is scrutunized and strongly condemned. And there are two sides of each coin. A woman stalked by an "unrequited lover" receives much more serious treatment and protection than a man who happens to be in the same situation with a female stalker.
Each of us starts receiving social conditioning early in life and it's up to us to develop and see further ahead, beyond the societal norms and expectations that might influence us to develop harmful feelings and habits.

[HarryWales · Rating 2 out of 5]

A subject matter in the right hands could have been interesting. Think Lisa Phillips wrote it as a purge, rather than for reader benefit. Too much psycho babble from self important academics & psychiatrists. Where Lisa Phillips really fell down was in the case studies. A real journalist (not a teacher of journalism) would have delved deeper into the questionnaire responses and drew out more details that the reader would have found interesting. Lisa Phillips said she was too polite to question these girls further on the detail...........what??????
Again, Lisa Phillips wrote this book for herself. Certainly not for you.

[Krystle Simmons · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was going to be more of a memoir based on the blurb, but it was still interesting learning about how dating has changed over time and how there isn't really a set path one has to follow (dating then love then marriage).

Also, how women and men in unrequited love are viewed differently by society. She gave the example of astronaut Lisa Nowak, who drove 900 miles to confront her ex-lover's new girlfriend. Despite the seriousness the situation, the media mostly focused on the fact that she wore diapers on her journey to avoid having to take restroom breaks. Perhaps a male stalker would have been taken more seriously? Lots of interesting things to ponder after reading this.

[Emi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I very much enjoyed the thesis of this book.
*spoiler*
This book posits that romantic obsession, often viewed as damaging, ugly, and useless, can and should be viewed as a catalyst for growth. It states that the ideal a person projects onto someone is often something they are striving for, and can gain knowledge and experience in their pursuit of the object of their desire.

If you are looking for a handbook to get out of or prevent this situation, this book is of no help, except to assure you that you are not alone.

[Bella · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author demonstrates tremendous hutzpah (am I using it correctly?) so publicly sharing her particular experience with obsession. It is telling that I feel that way as I see my past romantic obsessions as something I’d better keep to myself to avoid stigma. I appreciate Lisa being a pioneer in that sense, for others (M or F) who might also have done something that invited a side eye or two from others.

[Jasmin · Rating 5 out of 5]

While I wasn’t quite the target audience for this book I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it. I wasn’t sure where the book was going but it turned out to have a good blend of history, narratives, and research that explains the treatment of women in romantic relationships, specifically while they are pursuing them. It gave me a new perspective and introduced more nuance than I thought it could. This book was very engaging and honestly insightful.

[Leezie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow did it take me a long time to finish but that wasn't the book's fault. It's such a fraught topic with so many stories that are crazy yet relatable.

I highly recommend for moms of teen girls to be able to head off the sometimes disastrous effects of crushes gone bad but also to educate on why it happens in the first place. It's also obvious (in a great way) that the author is a professor because it reads like a really great lecture across numerous fields of study.