What Matters Most: Lessons the Dying Teach Us About Living

by Diane Button

A profound, heartfelt, and inspiring exploration into living a meaningful life, filled with passion, joy, gratitude, and peace.

AN OPEN FIELD PUBLICATION FROM MARIA SHRIVER

In her unique work as a death doula, Diane Button has had the privilege of guiding clients to a peaceful transition for almost two decades. Each client has imparted wisdom that has left an indelible mark, offering her profound reflections and clarity of what it means to both live well and die well. Now, Diane invites you to share in this journey, offering insights that illuminate the path to a fulfilling life.

This poignant collection of stories highlights the powerful lessons Diane has learned from her “wisdom keepers,” revealing the core elements that contribute to a deep, purposeful existence. Each chapter shares the emotional story of an individual—like Floyd, whose weekly doctor visits show us how small acts of kindness can have a lasting impact, or Rosie, the spirited six-year-old who turns every day into a celebration—illustrating the beauty and fragility of life. Through these heartfelt narratives, readers are encouraged to reassess their priorities, nurture their connections, and pursue their passions with renewed urgency and appreciation.

The book culminates with Diane’s six reflective questions, along with other practical tools designed to help readers apply these timeless insights to their own lives. What Matters Most is a heartwarming, honest exploration of how to make the most of the precious time we are given.

Genres: Nonfiction, Death, Self Help

256 pages, Hardcover

Published September 16, 2025

Reviews

[Sarah Jensen · Rating 5 out of 5]

What Matters Most: Lessons the Dying Teach Us About Living – A Luminous Guide to Embracing Life’s Fragility
Rating: 4.8/5

Diane Button’s What Matters Most is a tender yet unflinching meditation on mortality and meaning, distilled through the wisdom of those nearing life’s end. As someone who often avoids “life lesson” narratives for fear of cliché, this book disarmed me with its raw authenticity—leaving me both emotionally stirred and intellectually galvanized.

Why This Book Shines
Button’s dual lens as a death doula and storyteller elevates this beyond typical self-help fare. Her wisdom keepers (a term brimming with reverence) offer not platitudes but hard-won truths: Floyd’s devotion to small kindnesses and Rosie’s defiant joy in the face of illness reframe purpose as a daily practice, not a grand destination. The six reflective questions at the book’s close—tools honed over 20 years of bedside grace—are worth the price alone, bridging existential musings to actionable change.

Emotional Resonance & Revelations
Reading this felt like witnessing a thousand sunsets—each story bittersweet, illuminating shadows we often ignore. Button’s prose avoids saccharine sentimentality; her account of a veteran reconciling with estranged family pierced my armor, while the chapter on unfinished business sparked urgent introspection about my own relationships. The recurring theme of gratitude as rebellion against despair lingered long after reading, challenging my cynicism about living in the moment.

Constructive Criticism
While the narratives are profound, the book’s structure occasionally leans episodic—a deeper synthesis of themes (e.g., how cultural attitudes shape deathbed regrets) could strengthen its academic rigor. The focus on individual transformation might benefit from acknowledging systemic barriers to living well (e.g., healthcare inequities affecting end-of-life care).

Final Verdict
A masterpiece in the vein of When Breath Becomes Air and The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, with Maria Shriver’s imprint lending it compassionate heft. Button doesn’t just share stories; she hands readers a mirror to confront their own priorities.

Thank you to Edelweiss and Penguin Random House for the gifted copy. This book is a sacred conversation—one that demands to be revisited.

Pair with: Being Mortal by Atul Gawande for clinical context, or Tuesdays with Morrie for a memoir counterpart.

For fans of: Rachel Naomi Remen’s Kitchen Table Wisdom, Parker Palmer’s reflective grace, and Oliver Sacks’ humanity.

[Sarah Cupitt · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are things we can do right now to set ourselves up for a good death

Diane Button works as an end-of-life doula, or “death doula,” accompanying people in their final days

notes:
- “When I die…I’ll really miss…mint jelly.” Everyone chuckled. And when Button’s grandfather passed away a few days later, he had a smile on his face.
- In order to learn more about the process of dying, Button decided to do a master’s degree in counseling psychology. And as she worked on her thesis, doing research on what makes a meaningful life, things started to click. She focused on people aged 75 or older who felt that they’d had fulfilling lives, and were ready to die in peace.
- From her research, Button learned what matters most in life – love, relationships, kindness.
- t’s a privilege to be invited to the bedside of someone who’s dying.
- When someone is facing death, priorities change, and they realize that there’s no time to waste. They want to focus on what really matters – things like love, meaning, and forgiveness.
- When Button and Floyd left the doctor’s office, he was smiling once again. “I like her,” said Floyd. “I try to be friendly to everyone I meet, but she’s the only one here who even looks at me.”
- That’s when it struck Button – the visit to the doctor’s office was probably one of the highlights of Floyd’s week. These brief social interactions mattered to him, as they allowed him to feel seen and heard.

[MB · Rating 5 out of 5]

The poetic phrase – “we’re all here to walk each other home,” perhaps a slight paraphrase of the original, played over and over in my mind as I read What Matters Most. By the end I recognized not only is that the work of the invaluable end of life doulas, but our life’s work as ordinary humans.
Compelling in its broad themes exploring relationships, forgiveness, compassion, love, kindness, regrets, introspection, What Matters Most beckons us to examine those aspects and more of our everyday life and to find meaning and purpose in what we do.
Through the poignant stories of those dying and their struggles to make peace internally and externally, we are invited to open our hearts, to listen, to sink into the stillness of another’s sacred last moments.
Thank you for gently pushing the door open to discussing what no one wants to talk about.

[Sarah Morris]

Great reminders!

[Caitlin Hanrahan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. You don’t have to be dying or even ill for it to be useful.

[Jung]

In "What Matters Most: Lessons the Dying Teach Us About Living", Diane Button invites readers to reflect on one of life’s most uncomfortable but illuminating questions: how do we want to feel when our life comes to an end? Drawing from her work as an end-of-life doula, Button has spent countless hours beside people in their final days, witnessing both peaceful deaths and deeply troubled ones. Through these experiences, she has come to believe that dying well is closely connected to how we live long before death arrives. Rather than waiting until the final chapter of life to seek clarity, Button encourages us to adopt attitudes and practices now that help us live with meaning, honesty, and emotional freedom.

Button’s path toward this work began with the death of her grandfather. In his final days, despite physical decline, he radiated calm and even humor, savoring familiar pleasures and sharing moments of warmth with his family. His peaceful passing sparked a question that would shape Button’s life: what allows someone to die without fear or regret? Seeking answers, she pursued advanced studies in counseling psychology and focused her research on older adults who felt satisfied with their lives and ready to let go. Patterns quickly emerged. Fulfillment rarely came from achievements or status, but from love, strong relationships, kindness, and a sense of inner peace. For some, spiritual or religious beliefs provided comfort, but emotional resolution mattered most. Button realized that her grandfather’s serenity came from being emotionally unburdened and deeply connected to those he loved.

This realization led her to hospice work and eventually to becoming a death doula, someone who supports individuals and families through the dying process. While many assume such work must be overwhelmingly sad, Button experiences it as meaningful and even joyful. Being present at the end of someone’s life offers a rare kind of honesty. When people know time is limited, superficial concerns fade away. What remains is a desire for connection, forgiveness, truth, and love. These moments reveal what truly matters, and Button believes these lessons are just as valuable for the living.

One of the people who profoundly shaped Button’s understanding was Floyd, an elderly man living alone after the death of his wife. As his health declined, Floyd struggled with loneliness more than fear of death. When Button listened to him speak about his life and marriage, his energy returned. He came alive through storytelling and shared memory. A visit to a medical clinic highlighted the importance of simple human acknowledgment. Most staff rushed past him, barely making eye contact, but one doctor took the time to listen, remember his history, and treat him as a person rather than a patient. That brief interaction lifted Floyd’s spirits. For Button, this moment underscored how powerful it is to truly see someone. Often, small gestures of attention and kindness can mean everything, especially to those nearing the end of life.

Another lesson came from Roger, a man in his eighties who had spent his life suppressing emotions. Dying of cancer, Roger insisted he was 'fine,' even as his family sensed otherwise. Button recognized that his emotional restraint wasn’t indifference but a way to protect both himself and his loved ones. He didn’t want to waste energy or burden others with his pain. Yet this silence only increased anxiety within the family. With Button’s support, Roger and his family finally spoke openly about fear, sadness, and exhaustion. Honest conversation created relief on all sides. When Roger later admitted how bad he truly felt, it wasn’t despair that followed but connection. His story illustrates the freedom that comes with emotional honesty and the damage caused by pretending everything is okay when it isn’t.

Button’s work also includes children, whose clarity can be especially heartbreaking and profound. Rosie, a six-year-old with terminal cancer, taught Button and her family a lesson about joy and presence. Rosie adored a special homemade paint known as 'pink glitter,' saved for rare occasions. When Button encouraged the family to use it freely, Rosie spent hours painting with delight. Those joyful moments became cherished memories, preserved in glittering handprints on the wall. Rosie’s story serves as a powerful reminder that waiting for the perfect moment often means missing the moment entirely. Life’s small pleasures are meant to be used, not stored away for a future that may never arrive.

Beyond storytelling, Button offers practical ways to apply these lessons. One exercise involves imagining a final meal shared with the people you love most. By visualizing the setting, the faces, the atmosphere, and the emotions, people gain insight into what they value most deeply. Another practice, which Button calls the 'final checklist,' invites reflection on six essential questions: who matters most, what truly matters, what causes worry, what brings joy, what remains unsaid, and what has been left undone. These questions are simple, but answering them honestly can prompt meaningful change. They may inspire reconciliation, gratitude, or the courage to act on long-delayed desires.

Button acknowledges that not everything can be resolved. Some regrets remain, and some circumstances lie beyond our control. But even then, she emphasizes the importance of choosing our response. Finding comfort, peace, and acceptance is always possible, even in uncertainty. By regularly reflecting on what matters and aligning daily life with those values, we reduce the emotional weight we carry into the final stages of life.

In "What Matters Most: Lessons the Dying Teach Us About Living", Diane Button shows that death has much to teach us about how to live fully. Through stories of love, honesty, listening, and presence, she reveals that a good death is not something we prepare for at the last minute, but the natural result of a life lived with intention. By prioritizing relationships, speaking truthfully, savoring everyday joys, and letting go of what doesn’t matter, we give ourselves the chance to face the end with peace. Ultimately, "What Matters Most" reminds us that living well is the most powerful way to die well, and that the time to begin is now.

[Michael Johnston · Rating 4 out of 5]

Author Diane Button is an “end of life Doula”. In essence, someone who provides companionship and emotional and spiritual support to individuals who are dying. It is complex and difficult work (I was trained as an end of life Doula), but it’s also very powerful work both for the person nearing the end of their life and the Doula.

What Matters Most is a collection of stories from Button’s professional career, but more significantly, it’s also a collection of life lessons that she has learned from her clients over many years. Most of us take living for granted. We run errands, visit with family and friends, struggle with work deadlines, worry over the news of the day, etc. without ever looking around at the miracle that is life. But, as Button puts it, “The world looks different and priorities change when time is short and your future can be measured in days or weeks, rather than years.”

“The superficial and unimportant entrapments of life are stripped away, making space for what matters most,” she notes. “Priorities shift, values deepen, and some people change radically. Some of my clients say colors are more vibrant, people are more beautiful, and that they notice the simplicity of creation all around them. “

For all of us who tend to take everyday life for granted, Button’s narrative is a beautiful (and at times quite sad) reminder of what’s truly important in life. What things we should cherish while we’re still around and in good health and how to avoid regrets (or deal with them if we already have them). As she puts it, “In this book, I’d like to gently ask you, What about today? Are you wasting too much precious time, or speeding through life without pausing to ask yourself if you’re experiencing joy or finding meaning? Are you missing the moments?”

Written as a series of brief stories about clients who taught her important life lessons, Button tries to give us the wisdom of those who have lived a life and grappled with its meaning. Each brief chapter ends with a life lesson, that she encourages the reader to embrace in their daily lives. It is wisdom from those who have looked back at their life with deep reflection and many of the ideas are powerful reminders of our need to have gratitude and appreciate what we have.

There are lessons of acceptance, of the value of doing things that have meaning or make you happy while time still allows you to do so. Lessons about grief and about love, regret kindness and many more. While not every lesson felt profound or life altering, many did. Even those that felt less intense still provided thoughtful reminders of how life can best be lived in the moment while we still have time.

What Matters Most is often sad, but it’s also quite beautiful and profound. It’s more about life than dying, but it’s a reminder that none of us have unlimited time on this earth and Button’s learned life lessons are an encouragement to use the time we have wisely. As a narrative, it’s not as powerful as Mitch Albom’s book Tuesdays With Morrie (which I highly recommend), but many of the themes are the same and it can’t help but make the reader more self-reflective.

While I think that this is a book that everyone should read, the topics can be difficult for some. As Button notes at the beginning of the book, “Throughout this book, we address topics including death, dying, loss, and grief…. If you are grieving a recent loss, tending to your own heart might include avoiding reading other grief stores until you are ready.” I would add that for those who are grappling with life threatening illness, or have a loved one doing so, these stories can also be painful and challenging to read. A difficult reminder that those we love may not always be around. As Button notes, readers should consider their own emotional state before deciding to dive in.

With that said, four stars for a book filled with beautiful and compelling wisdom about life (and the heroic, important, and difficult work that end of life Doula’s do).

[Jennifer]

DNF at 94 pages

End-of-life care is close to my heart. I have experienced few moments in life as sacred as attending to and witnessing another’s transition from life to death with reverent presence and care. It is clear that Diane Button feels the same.

And though I’m clearly in the minority of reviewers here, I had to stop.

Every tender story felt canned—overshadowed by a persistent need to impart emotional and existential meaning, and to ensure the reader never forgets Button is the central character, interpreter, and driver of the experience. I found the broken record in my head growing louder and increasingly inescapable: show, don’t tell.

What Matters Most relies heavily on telling the reader what to think and take away rather than allowing meaning to emerge through the stories themselves. There are beautiful, poignant moments and lessons here, but they are repeatedly undercut by an insistence on explaining their significance and reinforcing the author’s wisdom and expertise*—leaving the patients’ lives and experiences feeling like sidebars to the lecture. There were too many times I wanted someone in the room to give her an errand to run, just so the moment and everyone in it could breathe.

If the stories were allowed to stand on their own, their impact would be far more moving and lasting. Show me what you experienced and trust that I will arrive at that knowing with you. The repeated reminders of her value and merits left me cautiously wincing and distrustful. I wish she’d let her prose mirror her vocation: a gentle guide and warm companion, spacious and gracious enough to allow the reader the full experience of each life lost and let go.

*

[Emanuela Tomova · Rating 4 out of 5]

What Matters Most е книга, която чаках да прочета с нетърпение. Авторката е дула в края на живота – човек, който подкрепя онези, които си отиват, и техните семейства в последните им дни. Самата професия е смиряваща, а в тази книга тя събира уроците, подарени ѝ от хората на прага между два свята.

И да, вътре има много истини. Повечето от тях всъщност ги знаем – или поне си мислим, че ги знаем – но рядко им обръщаме внимание. Все бързаме, все нямаме време, все ни липсва онзи момент на тишина и зрялост, в който да си признаем какво наистина има значение.

Книгата не е откровение в смисъл на нещо „ново“, но е напомняне. Нежно, честно и много човешко. От онези, които те карат да спреш за секунда и да подредиш приоритетите си малко по-осъзнато.

[Mark J · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an important book. I started it and stopped it twice because I struggled with the idea of death and dying. Some people may find the thought of having a “death doula,” someone who helps terminally ill clients pass on to the next world with dignity, an uncomfortable concept to grasp. But the book is actually about living well and finishing life well. I listened to the audiobook version and it was beautifully narrated. I highly recommend it.

[Robin · Rating 5 out of 5]

As an end-of-life doula, Button has captured the stories of over 25 persons and the lessons they passed on in their process of dying. If you are "new" to the field, you can savor the stories; if you are looking for a summary it is in the final "Tools for Living Well." Things worth thinking about for old and young about how we live our lives, even in the midst of today's challenges.

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really hard to rate, I understand why so far its been rated highly. I'm an introverted agnostic solo ager w/o much in the way of friends or family so was hard for me to relate many of the stories of people being surrounded by their family and friends. That said, I will likely hire a death doula when my time comes and that may be the only person there.

[Kristy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Death doula shares what she has learned from working with people at the end of their life. Surprisingly not sad. Includes practical advice on how to focus on what matters most so you won't have any unsettled regrets at the end of your life. Loved the recurring experience of ancestors greeting the dying.

[Tori · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really interesting to hear about the life of a death doula. The stories were poignant and heartfelt, but the “lessons” at the end of each story felt a little woo-woo. They were nice reminders to be present and your best self, but impossible to do all of them at the same time and still have time to think.

[Peggy B. Rubens · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is beautifully written and will touch your heart—I teared up three times while reading it on an airplane. I initially picked it up to prepare for end-of-life discussions with my mother, but it wound up being inspirational for my own life as well. Highly recommend.

[Anastasia Kuprina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautiful book on how to approach life with love, kindness and compassion

May we all love more deeply,
share our hearts more freely,
and remember that every day is a chance
to say “I love you” just one more time

[Luciano Elementi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helping each other is the resounding message throughout the book. It is well illustrated with pertinent and beautiful stories accompanied by the author's nice words. We are all here on this short journey, and we can make it count by spreading our compassionate values

[Sue Caulfield · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent read, and a good read no matter where you are on your journey. Button weaves together poignant stories from which all of us can learn something important. Highly recommend!!

[Pat · Rating 4 out of 5]

Written by a end-of-life doula about what she learned from her clients about living.

[Glo Fran · Rating 5 out of 5]

A definitely must read for all. Brings comfort and peace. Glad I was reading this book while a family member was at end of life.

[Kara Kopp · Rating 4 out of 5]

this was a book with a collection of stories/life lessons from the dying- it put so many things into perspective! it was an easy read and reminded me of chicken soup for the soul books.

[Krystal · Rating 4 out of 5]

nothing surprising, but I did enjoy it