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Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now
After service in Vietnam, as a surgeon for the 11th Armored Cavalry Regiment in 1968-69, at the height of the war, Dr. Gordon Livingston returned to the U.S. and began work as a psychiatrist. In that capacity, he has listened to people talk about their lives-what works, what doesn’t, and the limitless ways (many of them self-inflicted) that people find to be unhappy. He is also a parent twice bereaved; in one thirteen-month period, he lost his eldest son to suicide, his youngest to leukemia. Out of a lifetime of experience, Gordon Livingston has extracted thirty bedrock truths: We are what we do. Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least. The perfect is the enemy of the good. Only bad things happen quickly. Forgiveness is a form of letting go, but they are not the same thing. The statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood traumas. Livingston illuminates these and twenty-four others in a series of carefully hewn, perfectly calibrated essays, many of which focus on our closest relationships and the things that we do to impede or, less frequently, enhance them. Again and again, these essays underscore that “we are what we do,” and that while there may be no escaping who we are, we have the capacity to face loss, misfortune, and regret and to move beyond them-that it is not too late. Full of things we may know but have not articulated to ourselves, Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart offers solace, guidance, and hope to everyone ready to become the person they’d most like to be.
192 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2004
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 542 reviews
May 29, 2008
Chicken Soup for the Soul … but Missing a Few Noodles
Dr. Gordon Livingston, psychiatrist, imparts his 30 pearls of wisdom in this short pithy book. He has had his share of suffering and scar tissue. Within a 13-month period, one of his sons committed suicide and another died in an accident. Plus, the guy got run over by a riderless snowmobile while standing in a lift line. Talk about “bad things happening to good people”!
My main misgiving is that each chapter seems to consist of preachy platitudes, verging on gas-baggery. The tone of the writing was off-putting to me, but I may be in the minority.
Like most forms of chicken soup, taking it won’t hurt and it may actually help.
Dr. Gordon Livingston, psychiatrist, imparts his 30 pearls of wisdom in this short pithy book. He has had his share of suffering and scar tissue. Within a 13-month period, one of his sons committed suicide and another died in an accident. Plus, the guy got run over by a riderless snowmobile while standing in a lift line. Talk about “bad things happening to good people”!
My main misgiving is that each chapter seems to consist of preachy platitudes, verging on gas-baggery. The tone of the writing was off-putting to me, but I may be in the minority.
Like most forms of chicken soup, taking it won’t hurt and it may actually help.
June 21, 2008
I though this would be an inspirational book, and I guess to some people it probably is. However, I found it kind of confusing. The chapter titles appeared to be about one thing, but in many cases the supporting text ended up in another, only vaguely related place entirely. I didn't personally get anything out of it, but I don't think it was written for introspective people at all so that's probably why.
June 30, 2010
Dr. Livingston is a practicing psychiatrist. His book provide outstanding insights into recognizing our problems and improving our life situation. It would be virtually impossible for anyone to read his book without recognizing themselves in it many times over. I have included my Amazon review of the book below:
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Insights into The Problems of Life: Help Is On The Way..., September 24, 2008
By Lawrence J Danks (New Jersey) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now (Paperback)
Few are immune to the problems of life. Some of them can truly affect us in negative ways. Dr. Livingston identifies many of these, and provides ways to deal with them effectively, by stimulating improved thinking and suggesting constructive remedies.
The book is a wonderful composite of professional advice from a medical doctor who is a practicing psychiatrist,combined with exceptional horse sense and straight talk, e.g., "We are responsible for most of what happens to us." As I reflected on my own 63 plus years, I thought that that just about summed it up. For many of us, there is no escaping that insight. Reading his book is analogous to having a wise and experienced uncle guide us through some of life's major problems and misapprehensions, suggesting to us how to make things better.
At the top of the list of what Dr. Livingston says we should try to nurture in our character and seek in our friends and lovers is kindness. He says this most desirable of virtues is key because it governs all the others, including a capacity for love and empathy. Such advice alone would probably help us eliminate a large number of other problems Dr. Livingston speaks about so effectively.
The author gets to the pith of things noting that happiness has three elemental requirements: something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to. He says if we have those things, it's hard to be unhappy. He has a wonderful definition of love: "We love someone when the importance of his/her needs and desires rises to the level of our own...That love is demonstrated behaviorally...And that true love requires of us to become totally vulnerable to another."
And here's a real eye opener about marriages: "It is the failure of expectations over time that causes relationships to dissolve." I've heard it described as their being an "unwritten contract" about expectations that were in place at the beginning of the marriage, such as each will take care of his/her health, not use drugs, drink to excess, not gain an inordinate amount of weight, will be loyal, share the workload, etc. Dr. Livingston says "While it takes two people to create a relationship, it only takes one to end it."
Dr. Livingston writes not just as one who is among the best of us, but also as one who is the rest of us. He has faced having to cope with personal challenges of his own, including the loss of two of his beloved children. No prospective reader should think that the author is speaking to us from an ivory tower. His own life experience and professional training have uniquely prepared him to help many people in a variety of problematic situations.
I have been helped by the wise counsel contained in his book and recognized myself on a number of occasions in his writings. I feel reasonably confident that any thoughtful reader would have the same experience. We may be tweaked by different things when reading the book, but be assured that if you choose to purchase it, that help is on the way.
Dr. Livingston also recognizes the practical limitations of his helpful profession: "It is misplaced kindness to offer only sympathy. It is hope that I'm really selling. If, after extended effort, I cannot persuade someone to buy, I am wasting both our time by continuing." If someone can't buy into seeing some light at the end of the tunnel after being given lots of help and support, no one is going to be able to help them, until they're willing to start trying to help themselves and to see the possibility of a better day, at least in the distance. It is clear from anyone who reads this book that Dr. Livingston is a highly skilled facilitator, but he is also clearly a realist. He essentially says that he and other professionals are not miracle workers, and that we are ultimately responsible for our own self improvement.
The book is full of truisms recognized clearly through experience by a wise counselor who doesn't have to speculate on their truth. "Relationship is under the control of the person that cares the least." He knows such things by professional daily experience with his clients. One of the great advantages of reading his book is that we can gain real wisdom that can help us directly in these and similar situations and can also suggest when professional help would be beneficial.
Lawrence J. Danks
Author:
- "Finding The Right Man For You"Your Unfinished Life"
- "Your Unfinished Life"
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars Insights into The Problems of Life: Help Is On The Way..., September 24, 2008
By Lawrence J Danks (New Jersey) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now (Paperback)
Few are immune to the problems of life. Some of them can truly affect us in negative ways. Dr. Livingston identifies many of these, and provides ways to deal with them effectively, by stimulating improved thinking and suggesting constructive remedies.
The book is a wonderful composite of professional advice from a medical doctor who is a practicing psychiatrist,combined with exceptional horse sense and straight talk, e.g., "We are responsible for most of what happens to us." As I reflected on my own 63 plus years, I thought that that just about summed it up. For many of us, there is no escaping that insight. Reading his book is analogous to having a wise and experienced uncle guide us through some of life's major problems and misapprehensions, suggesting to us how to make things better.
At the top of the list of what Dr. Livingston says we should try to nurture in our character and seek in our friends and lovers is kindness. He says this most desirable of virtues is key because it governs all the others, including a capacity for love and empathy. Such advice alone would probably help us eliminate a large number of other problems Dr. Livingston speaks about so effectively.
The author gets to the pith of things noting that happiness has three elemental requirements: something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to. He says if we have those things, it's hard to be unhappy. He has a wonderful definition of love: "We love someone when the importance of his/her needs and desires rises to the level of our own...That love is demonstrated behaviorally...And that true love requires of us to become totally vulnerable to another."
And here's a real eye opener about marriages: "It is the failure of expectations over time that causes relationships to dissolve." I've heard it described as their being an "unwritten contract" about expectations that were in place at the beginning of the marriage, such as each will take care of his/her health, not use drugs, drink to excess, not gain an inordinate amount of weight, will be loyal, share the workload, etc. Dr. Livingston says "While it takes two people to create a relationship, it only takes one to end it."
Dr. Livingston writes not just as one who is among the best of us, but also as one who is the rest of us. He has faced having to cope with personal challenges of his own, including the loss of two of his beloved children. No prospective reader should think that the author is speaking to us from an ivory tower. His own life experience and professional training have uniquely prepared him to help many people in a variety of problematic situations.
I have been helped by the wise counsel contained in his book and recognized myself on a number of occasions in his writings. I feel reasonably confident that any thoughtful reader would have the same experience. We may be tweaked by different things when reading the book, but be assured that if you choose to purchase it, that help is on the way.
Dr. Livingston also recognizes the practical limitations of his helpful profession: "It is misplaced kindness to offer only sympathy. It is hope that I'm really selling. If, after extended effort, I cannot persuade someone to buy, I am wasting both our time by continuing." If someone can't buy into seeing some light at the end of the tunnel after being given lots of help and support, no one is going to be able to help them, until they're willing to start trying to help themselves and to see the possibility of a better day, at least in the distance. It is clear from anyone who reads this book that Dr. Livingston is a highly skilled facilitator, but he is also clearly a realist. He essentially says that he and other professionals are not miracle workers, and that we are ultimately responsible for our own self improvement.
The book is full of truisms recognized clearly through experience by a wise counselor who doesn't have to speculate on their truth. "Relationship is under the control of the person that cares the least." He knows such things by professional daily experience with his clients. One of the great advantages of reading his book is that we can gain real wisdom that can help us directly in these and similar situations and can also suggest when professional help would be beneficial.
Lawrence J. Danks
Author:
- "Finding The Right Man For You"Your Unfinished Life"
- "Your Unfinished Life"
July 21, 2016
This is a terrific book, packed with wisdom. Moreover, it's an easy read, in thirty bite-sized nuggets. No word of a lie: this book will help you make sense of your life - from past to present - and to move on and make the most of it.
Without spoiling it for you, the author has had quite an incredible life and - unlike in so many similar books - he doesn't ram it down your throat. Tbe extraordinary and heartbreaking setbacks he's faced in his life are mentioned in passing, and he shares what he's learnt from his thirty years as a psychiatrist.
I read it one or two chapters at a time. It's that kind of book. I'm sure I'll come back to it, and I've already recommended it to a few friends.
Without spoiling it for you, the author has had quite an incredible life and - unlike in so many similar books - he doesn't ram it down your throat. Tbe extraordinary and heartbreaking setbacks he's faced in his life are mentioned in passing, and he shares what he's learnt from his thirty years as a psychiatrist.
I read it one or two chapters at a time. It's that kind of book. I'm sure I'll come back to it, and I've already recommended it to a few friends.
June 30, 2019
A good read for sure. In few chapters, the title and main body seems a little un-correlated. But even the titles of each chapter gave me something to think about, and in a good way. Unlike a lot of such books, this one did not seem to be written in a preachy manner which was nice. It was more like looking into the author's view of life and what he learned from his experiences and others'. A lot of those points were already learnt from my experiences as well, so it was good to see how different experiences can lead us to similar conclusions about life.
April 18, 2009
"Out of a lifetime of experience, Livingston has extracted thirty bedrock truths: We are what we do. Any relationship is under the control of the person who cares the least. The perfect is the enemy of the good. Only bad things happen quickly. Forgiveness is a form of letting go, but they are not the same thing. The statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood traumas. Livingston illuminates these and twenty-four others in perfectly calibrated essays, many of which emphasize our closest relationships and the things that we do to impede or enhance them. These writings underscore that "we are what we do," and that while there may be no escaping who we are, we have the capacity to face loss, misfortune, and regret, and to move beyond them. "
October 26, 2018
I wanted to like this book because the table of contents looked intriguing. It was an easy read with each of the 30 chapters covering different topics. The chapter titles were the best thing about the book. Livingston's conclusions are written in a binary way as if there are only two options for behavior: taking responsibility vs. a negative behavior from some facet of life that's written in the extreme. That's it, people are doing one or the other.
Some of these conclusions were offensive and some dangerous in my opinion. For instance, some examples of what it looks like when people aren't taking responsibility for their actions are: people with ADHD are really just procrastinators, old people - they're always complaining (yes, he wrote this several times and concluded that's why nobody, even their family, wants to be around them), feminists - forcing a change in the social contract that they'll do the housework, and the worst one was about people who are suicidal - they're obviously angry or selfish and should be confronted about that.
I read the book to the end because I didn't feel like I could give an honest review if I didn't but I considered putting it down after some of these all or nothing observations. No, I didn't need to read these 30 things, and yes, I do take responsibility for myself.
There were some gems tucked here and there. Also, the parts of the book where he shared how his own story has impacted his viewpoint--that was good. He should have done more of that. As it's written, it's very condescending.
Some of these conclusions were offensive and some dangerous in my opinion. For instance, some examples of what it looks like when people aren't taking responsibility for their actions are: people with ADHD are really just procrastinators, old people - they're always complaining (yes, he wrote this several times and concluded that's why nobody, even their family, wants to be around them), feminists - forcing a change in the social contract that they'll do the housework, and the worst one was about people who are suicidal - they're obviously angry or selfish and should be confronted about that.
I read the book to the end because I didn't feel like I could give an honest review if I didn't but I considered putting it down after some of these all or nothing observations. No, I didn't need to read these 30 things, and yes, I do take responsibility for myself.
There were some gems tucked here and there. Also, the parts of the book where he shared how his own story has impacted his viewpoint--that was good. He should have done more of that. As it's written, it's very condescending.
October 31, 2014
A book of wisdom.
Rather than to write my book review, I prefer to jot some notes to myself on important points in my own interpretation/ digestion, with the complement of quotes and title of the chapters in the book, (which are brilliant quotes in themselves that hit the nail on the head).
Here is the summary for my personal future reference in helping and reminding me to become >>Not too late smart, Not too soon old.<<
Chap. 1: "If the map doesn't agree with the ground, the map is wrong."! Too often, I get stuck because the general advise, believe, attitude which I try to comply are wrong, or irrelevant, or unsuitable for me!
Chap. 2: "we are what we are" - "In judging other people we need to pay attention not to what they promise but to how they behave."(p.7). Quite often, "When all is said and done, more is said than done," (p.7).
"we are always talking about what we want, what we intend. Theses ate dreams and wishes and are of little value in changing our mood." (p.7).
"3 components of Happiness are: something to do, someone to love, something to look forward to." (p.9)
"Feelings of love ... Are noticeable... In the amount and quality of the time we are willing to give them"(p.10)
Chap. 16: "Not all who wander are lost." - Though a straight line appears to confounding geometry. Often it is the dalliances and the detours that define us."(p.90).
In Chap 21, an interesting reference to one of our life search (or stop?!): "Long ago Joan Baez sang, "You go running off in search of the perfect stranger..." The name of the song was "Fountain of Sorrow."" (p.114)
There are 30 chapters in the book. Each chapter contains wisdom, some I share profoundly, which I know, remember, and commit to them with my heart.
There's something for everyone.
January 26, 2014
This tiny book packs a wallop. The author, Dr. Gordon Livingston, is a psychiatrist and a Vietnam veteran. He has also survived the death of two of his kids: one six-year-old son died of complications related to leukemia, and a son in his early 20s with bipolar disorder killed himself.
Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart is not about these tragedies, though Dr. Livingston alludes to these events and what he was able to learn from them. It is a collection of truths about human behavior that he has absorbed into his system over his decades as a physician and a shrink. His book is simple, clear, and unflinching. It's also a completely lovely experience. And if even one of his "thirty true things" resonates with you, it's worth your time.
A beautiful read.
Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart is not about these tragedies, though Dr. Livingston alludes to these events and what he was able to learn from them. It is a collection of truths about human behavior that he has absorbed into his system over his decades as a physician and a shrink. His book is simple, clear, and unflinching. It's also a completely lovely experience. And if even one of his "thirty true things" resonates with you, it's worth your time.
A beautiful read.
August 3, 2007
Sentimental blather. I read a review of this and thought it sounded interesting. It wasn't. Perhaps I should just give self-help books a wide berth -- they really seem to annoy me.
December 9, 2009
Maybe it's because I'm a psychologist/counselor in training, but I didn't like this book as much as I thought I would, perhaps because it's from a psychiatrist's point of view? Psychiatrists don't usually do psychotherapy...so this book coming from a psychiatrist seemed odd to me. While some of what his chapter titles (or the 30 things you need to know now) were good and important, the actual chapters didn't always seem so related to what he was saying and were full of his own experiences. He makes many of his suggestions sound like hard fact, when I don't think they are.
Interesting book, but I don't think I would recommend it to everyone. And I don't think I needed to know those 30 things now.
Interesting book, but I don't think I would recommend it to everyone. And I don't think I needed to know those 30 things now.
November 18, 2007
Recommended to: introspective people who want to change their life in subtle or large ways
i picked this up on a whim the other night, and had finished it before i went to bed. it's a very light read, but filled with some interesting insights.
"people often come to me asking for medication. they are tired of their sad mood fatigue, and loss of interest in things that previously gave them pleasure... Here is what i tell them: the good news is that we have effective treatments for the symptoms of depression: the bad news is that medication will not make you happy. happiness is not simply the absence of despair. it is an affirmative state in which our lives have both meaning and pleasure."
the concept of the book is that a psychiatrist with a pretty tragic life of his own is giving his insights as to what patterns he's observed in his patients and himself. wishing he'd realized these things earlier in life, he decided to make a list of the top 30 things he things people need to realize about life and themselves.
i actually found some of the most interesting parts of the book to be about how to raise children and how it is to become elderly, and why relationships (especially marriage) dissolve.
the stuff that applied to me the most were small tips on day to day life, such as:
* we are what we do
* only bad things happen quickly
* there is nothing more pointless, or common, than doing the same things and expecting different results.
* notice what you forget
* plan, don't wish
he supports each little chapter title with an anecdote. some of these are clearly cathartic exercises for himself, and i had a hard time figuring out what to pull out and apply to my own life. but like i said, he's had a crazy life and that's interesting to read about in its own right.
the other interesting aspect of the book is he mentions from time to time the type of things he has found useful to ask people as their therapist.
* what's next?
* how's that working?
* what are you saving yourself for?
* what is the biggest chance you have ever taken?
* what are you looking forward to?
* how will this decision make you feel about yourself?
i found this interesting since so much of the trouble with trying to help someone change their life is the risk of them becoming defensive. these questions seemed useful for introspective purposes as well.
i picked this up on a whim the other night, and had finished it before i went to bed. it's a very light read, but filled with some interesting insights.
"people often come to me asking for medication. they are tired of their sad mood fatigue, and loss of interest in things that previously gave them pleasure... Here is what i tell them: the good news is that we have effective treatments for the symptoms of depression: the bad news is that medication will not make you happy. happiness is not simply the absence of despair. it is an affirmative state in which our lives have both meaning and pleasure."
the concept of the book is that a psychiatrist with a pretty tragic life of his own is giving his insights as to what patterns he's observed in his patients and himself. wishing he'd realized these things earlier in life, he decided to make a list of the top 30 things he things people need to realize about life and themselves.
i actually found some of the most interesting parts of the book to be about how to raise children and how it is to become elderly, and why relationships (especially marriage) dissolve.
the stuff that applied to me the most were small tips on day to day life, such as:
* we are what we do
* only bad things happen quickly
* there is nothing more pointless, or common, than doing the same things and expecting different results.
* notice what you forget
* plan, don't wish
he supports each little chapter title with an anecdote. some of these are clearly cathartic exercises for himself, and i had a hard time figuring out what to pull out and apply to my own life. but like i said, he's had a crazy life and that's interesting to read about in its own right.
the other interesting aspect of the book is he mentions from time to time the type of things he has found useful to ask people as their therapist.
* what's next?
* how's that working?
* what are you saving yourself for?
* what is the biggest chance you have ever taken?
* what are you looking forward to?
* how will this decision make you feel about yourself?
i found this interesting since so much of the trouble with trying to help someone change their life is the risk of them becoming defensive. these questions seemed useful for introspective purposes as well.
January 7, 2018
Quite a beautiful little book. Like a rainy day, somewhat sad but necessary and beautiful. Not really a self-help book but a collection of 30 mini essays or thoughts from a man well in tune with grief, his own and that of many others. For someone like me that abhores bumper sticker maxims ("life is like a box of chocolates...." really) this book gracefully avoided them. For someone tired of platitudes about how failure is the best teacher, why you deserve love or how a positive attitude/prayer/meditation/good habits is the key to wealth and happiness, this book was refreshingly direct, lacking the hundreds of silly testimonials and sales pitches of almost every wisdom enhancing text out there in the style of say, Dr. Phil. Can this tome be synthesized? Well, considering how blessedly short it is, I'd say 'no' but the idea is that one dies in the end and that the pursuit of happiness is a risky (failure is the norm but cynicism is usually just an excuse) , slow (unlike on movies and TV, things take a lot more time to improve than to deteriorate) , seldom attempted business. A business we often postpone indefinitely due to fear and the myriad other reasons that do help us, yes, "help us" - we get a lot out of mileage out of our diseases and feelings- to shift responsibility away. I'd say the core of the book goes back to discern our legitimate painful despair and then get on with living almost as a matter of choice. I think the author also takes issue with a lot of the common crutches that we use these days to become passive, from calling addictions a 'disease' -which they are but also create a permanent expectation of an outside cure- to "resolutions" to improve our lives in big bold steps instead on dwelling in smaller manageable moments , to the noxious culture of competition and the symbols of success or the absolute lunacy that goes on when choosing a partner. About this, his reflections on marriage I found dead on. Despite the "sobering" thoughts, it is a book that invites to keep fighting without attachment or remorse. Worth rereading.
December 25, 2011
Livingston provides provocative insights into 30 topics, drawing from his personal life history and his professional experience as a psychiatrist. The subtitle -- whether composed by Livingston or more likely his publisher -- "Thirty True Things You Need to Know" overreaches and even conflicts with what I take to be Livingston's outlook. His theses should not be read so much as "truths," but rather as psychological and philosophical ors d'ouerves to chew on before sitting down to the main course, which should consist of the reader's reaction to Livingston's statements. Instead of accepting Livingston's statements as if they were handed down from a deity, they should stimulate reflection, thought and discussion. That said, I suspect every reader will find some things they already know, some things they've forgotten and needed to be reminded about and some new ideas that will make them thankful they read this stimulating treatise.
April 10, 2020
Reviewing the table of contents, this book is made up of 30 chapters with titles like, "Not All Who Wander Are Lost" and "It's a poor idea to lie to yourself". Each chapter is a short essay, which I hoped would add detail and meaning to the platitudes. In almost all cases, they were not. By the time I had read 4 pages of essay, I was trying to recall how what I read tied back to the chapter title.
On the good side, there were some interesting stories, but this book doesn't live up to the subtitle, "Thirty true things you need to know now."
On the good side, there were some interesting stories, but this book doesn't live up to the subtitle, "Thirty true things you need to know now."
December 4, 2021
Quite interesting in parts but like its title “too soon old” and a bit dated now with several references to Vietnam. Think there are better books of its type out there now.
April 1, 2019
On the whole the things Livingston has to say about living happily as you age make sense.
Be kind to ourselves and others, avoid being grumpy, learning to let go the sense of duty that drives many of us and do things that give you and others pleasure.
BUT, and it's a very big BUT, he is strongly committed to the idea that we are what we do; the what we think and say don't matter. In a world where ideas have led, and are leading, to bullying, discrimination and wholesale murder, this is massive over-simplification.
Be kind to ourselves and others, avoid being grumpy, learning to let go the sense of duty that drives many of us and do things that give you and others pleasure.
BUT, and it's a very big BUT, he is strongly committed to the idea that we are what we do; the what we think and say don't matter. In a world where ideas have led, and are leading, to bullying, discrimination and wholesale murder, this is massive over-simplification.
October 2, 2020
I really enjoyed reading this book slowly and remaining still with my thoughts while I processed his theories and observations. Gordon Livingston is an experienced psychiatrist and shares his unique upbringing into his profession and his observations in life and with his patients. This book made me reflect on some of the choices I’ve made and memories from my past, and gave me perspective to take a step back to learn from those experiences and grow in the future.
Here are some of my favourite quotes:
“That’s what real friends do: say the hard things that we need to know if we are to be stronger, better, more generous, more courageous, kinder.”
On “We are what we do”:
“Happiness is an affirmative state in which our lives have both meaning and pleasure.”
“Eighty percent of life is showing up.” - Woody Allen
“The three components of happiness are something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to.”
“We are entitled to receive only that which we are prepared to give [...] and why most of our dissatisfactions with others reflect limitations in ourselves.”
“If they say that doing things they do not feel like doing is difficult, I acknowledge this and ask if “difficult” means the same thing to them as “impossible”.”
“Any change requires that we try new things, risking always the possibility that we might fail. Another question I ask is: What are you saving yourself for?”
The paradox of perfection: “in some settings, notably in our intimate relationships, we gain control only by relinquishing it.”
On risk-aversion:
“What is the biggest chance you have ever taken?”
“The greatest risk is not taking any.”
“Only by embracing our mortality can we be happy in the time we have.”
“Everything we are afraid to try constitutes a limitation on what we are and could become.”
“The slowness with which productive change actually takes place does not play well in an impatient society.”
“Before we can do anything, we must be able to imagine it.”
“Confessions may indeed be good for the soul, but unless it is accompanied by altered behavior, it remains only words in the air.”
“To be happy is to take the risk of losing that happiness.”
“Patience and determination are among life’s primary virtues.”
“If we are to bear the awful weight of time with grace or acceptance, we have to come to terms with the losses that life inevitably imposes upon us [including the loss of our younger selves].”
“There are no maps to guide our most important searches; we must rely on hope, chance, intuition, and a willingness to be surprised.”
“What gives love its power is that it is shared.”
“Mistakes are a consequence of being human and constitute an essential element of trial and error learning. What is frustrating is the experience of making the same mistake repeatedly.”
“Nearly every human action is in some way an expression of how we think about ourselves.”
“The most damaging lies we tell ourselves involve promises. Good intentions are a distraction from the serious task of evaluating who we are and what we really want. If we spend our time imagining some ideal of beauty or self-improvement, it drains energy and distracts our attention from more serious and attainable objectives.”
“The truth may not make us free, but to lie to ourselves in the name of temporary comfort is the ultimate folly.”
“To lose that which means the most to us is a lesson in helplessness and humility and survival.”
“One of the things that define us is what we worry about.”
“Our primary task as parents is to convey to them [children] a sense of the world as an imperfect place in which it is possible, nevertheless, to be happy.”
“How can anyone be happy in such a world? [...] the real secret is selective attention. If we choose to focus our awareness and energy on those things and people that bring us pleasure and satisfaction, we have a very good chance of being happy.”
“To know someone fully and love them in spite of, even because of, their imperfections is an act that requires us to recognize and forgive.”
“We have the choice of accepting and enjoying what we have made of our lives.”
“What gives humor its power in our lives is that a capacity for laughter is one of the two characteristics that separate us from other animals.”
“Humor also is a form of sharing, an interpersonal exercise. To share laughter is a way of affirming that we are all in this lifeboat together.”
“Avoidance makes it worse; confrontation gradually improves it.”
“Every life contains losses. How we respond to them is what defines us.”
“Mental health is a function of choice. The more choices we are able to exercise, the happier we are likely to be.”
“Forgiveness is not something we do for others; it is a gift to ourselves. It exists at the intersection of love and justice.”
“If every misfortune can be blamed on someone else, we are relieved of the difficult task of examining our own contributory behavior or just accepting the reality that life is and has always been full of adversity. Most of all, by placing responsibility outside ourselves we miss out on the healing knowledge that what happens to us is not nearly as important as the attitude we adopt in response.”
“Coming to terms with our past is inevitably a process of forgiveness, of letting go [...] and it often seems impossible until the moment you do it.”
Here are some of my favourite quotes:
“That’s what real friends do: say the hard things that we need to know if we are to be stronger, better, more generous, more courageous, kinder.”
On “We are what we do”:
“Happiness is an affirmative state in which our lives have both meaning and pleasure.”
“Eighty percent of life is showing up.” - Woody Allen
“The three components of happiness are something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward to.”
“We are entitled to receive only that which we are prepared to give [...] and why most of our dissatisfactions with others reflect limitations in ourselves.”
“If they say that doing things they do not feel like doing is difficult, I acknowledge this and ask if “difficult” means the same thing to them as “impossible”.”
“Any change requires that we try new things, risking always the possibility that we might fail. Another question I ask is: What are you saving yourself for?”
The paradox of perfection: “in some settings, notably in our intimate relationships, we gain control only by relinquishing it.”
On risk-aversion:
“What is the biggest chance you have ever taken?”
“The greatest risk is not taking any.”
“Only by embracing our mortality can we be happy in the time we have.”
“Everything we are afraid to try constitutes a limitation on what we are and could become.”
“The slowness with which productive change actually takes place does not play well in an impatient society.”
“Before we can do anything, we must be able to imagine it.”
“Confessions may indeed be good for the soul, but unless it is accompanied by altered behavior, it remains only words in the air.”
“To be happy is to take the risk of losing that happiness.”
“Patience and determination are among life’s primary virtues.”
“If we are to bear the awful weight of time with grace or acceptance, we have to come to terms with the losses that life inevitably imposes upon us [including the loss of our younger selves].”
“There are no maps to guide our most important searches; we must rely on hope, chance, intuition, and a willingness to be surprised.”
“What gives love its power is that it is shared.”
“Mistakes are a consequence of being human and constitute an essential element of trial and error learning. What is frustrating is the experience of making the same mistake repeatedly.”
“Nearly every human action is in some way an expression of how we think about ourselves.”
“The most damaging lies we tell ourselves involve promises. Good intentions are a distraction from the serious task of evaluating who we are and what we really want. If we spend our time imagining some ideal of beauty or self-improvement, it drains energy and distracts our attention from more serious and attainable objectives.”
“The truth may not make us free, but to lie to ourselves in the name of temporary comfort is the ultimate folly.”
“To lose that which means the most to us is a lesson in helplessness and humility and survival.”
“One of the things that define us is what we worry about.”
“Our primary task as parents is to convey to them [children] a sense of the world as an imperfect place in which it is possible, nevertheless, to be happy.”
“How can anyone be happy in such a world? [...] the real secret is selective attention. If we choose to focus our awareness and energy on those things and people that bring us pleasure and satisfaction, we have a very good chance of being happy.”
“To know someone fully and love them in spite of, even because of, their imperfections is an act that requires us to recognize and forgive.”
“We have the choice of accepting and enjoying what we have made of our lives.”
“What gives humor its power in our lives is that a capacity for laughter is one of the two characteristics that separate us from other animals.”
“Humor also is a form of sharing, an interpersonal exercise. To share laughter is a way of affirming that we are all in this lifeboat together.”
“Avoidance makes it worse; confrontation gradually improves it.”
“Every life contains losses. How we respond to them is what defines us.”
“Mental health is a function of choice. The more choices we are able to exercise, the happier we are likely to be.”
“Forgiveness is not something we do for others; it is a gift to ourselves. It exists at the intersection of love and justice.”
“If every misfortune can be blamed on someone else, we are relieved of the difficult task of examining our own contributory behavior or just accepting the reality that life is and has always been full of adversity. Most of all, by placing responsibility outside ourselves we miss out on the healing knowledge that what happens to us is not nearly as important as the attitude we adopt in response.”
“Coming to terms with our past is inevitably a process of forgiveness, of letting go [...] and it often seems impossible until the moment you do it.”
February 19, 2024
I liked, he had a lot of good points and a few stories about his professional psych and personal life experience. My main takeaways are 'feelings follow behavior' and we are extremely slow to turn knowledge into behavior. He had a few hot takes about everything being mental illness now and lack of accountability, whatever. Overall, some good lessons and might read more of him.
February 11, 2019
Some of these were trite; a few I flat out disagreed with; but the ones that were amazing were really amazing, and you can tell they come from a person who has endured some unspeakable losses. Worth the short read.
May 17, 2022
After reading this book I am going to throw it in the bin. It was published in 2005 and it has outdated and frankly wrong information in it regarding suicidal ideation. I include a quote below about suicide which I find is an absolutely disgusting point of view. I have a friend with a TBI who experiences suicidal thoughts as a result of the injury, and this is far from “self absorbed”. She is in real physical and mental pain and anguish. This book is terrible and I hope it is no longer being printed with these harmful words.
“People in despair are, naturally, intensely self absorbed. Suicide is the ultimate expression of this preoccupation with self. Instead of just expressing the sympathy and fear that suicidal people evoke in those around them, therapists included, I think it is
reasonable to confront them with the selfishness and anger implied in any act of self-destruction.”
“People in despair are, naturally, intensely self absorbed. Suicide is the ultimate expression of this preoccupation with self. Instead of just expressing the sympathy and fear that suicidal people evoke in those around them, therapists included, I think it is
reasonable to confront them with the selfishness and anger implied in any act of self-destruction.”
July 26, 2009
A short book with nice bits of wisdom. When I think of books like this, which focus on how to overcome personal issues, I think about books that take on our culture as a largely corrupting force.
Then I think: Which one wins: The impersonal cultural force or the personal drive to preserve your soul?
Then I think: Which one wins: The impersonal cultural force or the personal drive to preserve your soul?
October 14, 2014
There are various snippets of wisdom, nuggets tucked throughout the book. Perhaps it is a bit like psychotherapy itself in that what you bring to the book is more valuable than what is there. The 30 chapters are each based on a saying or quote. Livingston's essays based on those sayings or quotes are hit and miss. Still I found numerous things to think about throughout.
May 26, 2025
I was expecting more and so excited for this read. I agree with other reviews; this book was a little confusing as the chapter titles are only slightly covered in each chapter. The tone is off-putting, and the author comes off somewhat holier than thou.
June 18, 2022
The Author Gordon Livingston lived an interesting life. A West Point Graduate, Vietnam war veteran decorated for valor, Physician, Psychiatrist and in the later years a tree cutter. The book is full of insights and wisdom that comes from having lived a rich and varied life.
My notes
At the top of the list would be kindness, a willingness to give of oneself to another. This most desirable of virtues governs all the others, including a capacity for empathy and love
*****
The point is that love is demonstrated behaviorally. Once again we define who we are and who and what we care about, not by what we promise, but by what we do. I constantly redirect people’s attention to this. We are a verbal species, much given to the use of words to explain—and deceive. The worst deceptions, of course, are those we practice on ourselves. What we choose to believe is closely related to deeply felt needs—for example, the dream we all carry around inside us of perfect love, unqualified acceptance of the sort available only from a good mother. This desire makes us vulnerable to the worst forms of self-deception and disillusionment, an indulgence of the hope that we have at last found the person who will endlessly love us exactly as we are.
*****
When I hear someone say, “He does inconsiderate things, but I know he loves me,” I usually ask if it is possible to intentionally hurt someone we love. Would we do such a thing to ourselves? Can we love the truck that runs us over?
*****
This question, “What do I owe my parents?” frequently distorts people’s lives well into, and sometimes throughout, adulthood. In fact, our children owe us nothing. It was our decision to bring them into the world. If we loved them and provided for their needs it was our task as parents, not some selfless act. We knew from the beginning that we were raising them to leave us and it was always our obligation to help them do this unburdened by a sense of unending gratitude or perpetual debt.
*****
Before we can do anything, we must be able to imagine it. This sounds easy, but I find that many people do not make the link between behavior and feelings. I blame modern medicine and the advertising industry for much of this problem. We have become used to the idea that much of what we don’t like about ourselves and our lives can be quickly overcome with little effort on our part. The marketing of medications that favorably affect our mood, changing our appearance through plastic surgery, and self-improvement through consumption all play into the fantasy that happiness is for sale. Malcolm Forbes famously suggested that, “Anyone who thinks that money can’t buy happiness is shopping in the wrong places.”In fact, of course, such a belief only adds to our frustrations and renders our self-constructed prisons more secure. I think of this as a “lottery mentality.” There are those who justify gambling by invoking the notion of selling hope. Those people standing in line, spending money they cannot spare in a game they have no plausible shot at winning talk endlessly about how they will spend their millions. This is not “hope” in any realistic sense; it is dreaming. The characteristics that render each of us unique are seldom the products of rational choice. Sometimes, of course, we do choose to develop healthy practices. Regular exercise can be a life-enhancing routine. Our bad habits, however, tend to insinuate themselves over time and become extremely resistant to change, even when they threaten to destroy our lives.
*****
it is hard to imagine sudden good news. Virtually all the happiness-producing processes in our lives take time, usually a long time: learning new things, changing old behaviors, building satisfying relationships, raising children. This is why patience and determination are among life’s primary virtues.
*****
So here’s to the role of time, patience, and reflection in our lives. If we believe it is better to build than destroy, better to live and let live, better to be than to be seen, then we might have a chance, slowly, to find a satisfying way through life, this flicker of consciousness between two great silences.
*****
Though a straight line appears to be the shortest distance between two points, life has a way of confounding geometry. Often it is the dalliances and the detours that define us. There are no maps to guide our most important searches; we must rely on hope, chance, intuition, and a willingness to be surprised.
*****
One step up from the dangerous obsessions of the stalker is the love that will not die. This quality is frequently on display in battered women and those for whom a dead relationship is still the subject of endless contemplation—and conversation. I have heard a lot of stories that begin, “He hurt me, he left me, but I still love him.” It is as if proclaiming one’s undying devotion dignifies what could otherwise be mistaken for an unattractive masochism
*****
What gives love its power is that it is shared. When experienced alone, the feeling we are having may be intense, as is any form of loneliness, but it is not likely to persist or result in any useful behavior and is of limited interest to others. There is a mythical organization for singles, “Sex Without Partners,” that has a membership composed of many who suffer from unrequited love. Application is free and you can participate without leaving home.
*****
The reality behind these numbers is that we tend to be the same people, philosophically and behaviorally, at forty as we were at twenty. This doesn’t mean we have learned nothing in the intervening years. In fact, most people complete their educations in this time and become more successful occupationally. We just haven’t gained equivalent insight into who we are and why we choose the people we do.
*****
It is surprising how often the closest relationships in our lives come, over time, to resemble power struggles in which we become intimate enemies. Gone is the sense of shared fate, replaced by a daily battle in which the stakes appear to be a survival of self-respect that is somehow threatened by the person who knows us best. Who would want to live this way, in a state of hyper-alertness and competition for stakes that are obscure, even for the participants?
*****
And yet, when people are asked to stop making the disparaging comments that are at the root of much marital conflict, they shift responsibility for change from themselves to “the other” in a way reminiscent of international conflicts in which everyone wants peace, but no one wants to be the first to cease retaliation, fearing that it will just make them vulnerable.At the heart of such skepticism is mis
*****
trust. And so, it seems, is the case with many relationships. My argument in such situations is usually some variation on, “What have you got to lose by trying?” The response is often, “How long do I try?” A better question might be, “Why would I live with someone I don’t trust?” But this is seldom asked, since it brings up all the reasons that people coexist for years in unhappy relationships: money, concerns for children, fear of being alone, and simple inertia.The sad fact
*****
Authenticity is a prized ideal. Though required to play a variety of roles in our daily lives, we would like to see ourselves as having a relatively stable identity that expresses our core values over time. Most of us also place a lot of importance on the way we are seen by those whose opinions we respect.
*****
If we hazard our lives for another or for an ideal we are acting bravely. But as Sancho Panza observed to Don Quixote, “to die without good reason is the greatest sin.”
*****
Some estimates of marital infidelity by age forty place it at fifty to sixty-five percent of married men and thirty-five to forty-five percent of married women. In a society whose dominant expressed marital value is monogamy, these are numbers that indicate not just a high level of hypocrisy, but some serious dissatisfaction with our partners. What is it that people are looking for outside their marriages?
*****
It became an article of faith for feminists that no one relinquishes power willingly; it has to be seized. This attitude is not a prescription for increased closeness. When combined with an increase in the financial independence of women, it is perhaps not coincidental that one in two marriages now ends in divorce. In some ways this change appears to be a good thing. People are less likely to be trapped in unsatisfactory relationships. Any social development that increases our choices seems like an improvement, so why do we live with a sense that we have lost something important?First, there is the damage that is being inflicted on children. The comforting reassurance that it is better for them to adapt to parental separation than live in unhappy marriages has come to seem more like a rationalization for adults in pursuit of their own happiness. There is ample evidence that the dissolution of marriages results in tremendous insecurity and unhappiness for children, particularly since most of the time there is some level of bitterness and recrimination between their parents. That kids are able to cope in some way with their lives being turned upside down does not alter the devastation and disillusionment that most of them experience.
*****
Grief is a subject I have come to know well. Indeed it was the subject of my life for a long time. I wrote a book about it, trying to find my way around it. What I learned is that there is no way around it; you just have to go through it. In that journey I experienced hopelessness, contemplated suicide, and learned that I was not alone. Certain that there could be no comfort in words, I came to realize that words, my own and those of others, were all I had to frame my experience, first my despair and finally a fragile belief that my life still had meaning.
*****
Thirteen years later, my sons, though frozen in time, remain a living presence for me. I have, largely, forgiven myself for not being able to save them. I have reconciled myself to growing old without them. They will not, as I once confidently assumed, bury me. I have forsaken any belief in an orderly universe and a just God. But I have not relinquished my love for them nor my longing that, against all reason, I will see them again.
*****
The primary goal of parenting, beyond keeping our children safe and loved, is to convey to them a sense that it is possible to be happy in an uncertain world, to give them hope. We do this, of course, by example more than by anything we say to them. If we can demonstrate in our own lives qualities of commitment, determination, and optimism, then we have done our job and can use our books of child-rearing advice for doorstops or fireplace fuel. What we cannot do is expect that children who are constantly criticized, bullied, and lectured will think well of themselves and their futures.
*****
One of the things that define us is what we worry about. Life is full of uncertainty and random catastrophe. It is easy, therefore, to justify almost any anxiety. The list of fears that people carry with them is long and varied, and a function of the information with which we are bombarded.
*****
parents whose children are not doing well, who are on illegal drugs, in trouble with the law, or in some other way failing in their lives. These parents are beset with guilt (“What did we do wrong?”). Their child’s struggles reflect poorly on their own efforts. You seldom see a bumper sticker that reads, MY KID IS IN REHAB.To imagine that we are solely, or even primarily, responsible for the successes and failures of our children is a narcissistic myth. It is obvious that parents who abuse their children—physically, psychologically, or sexually—can inflict serious and lasting damage upon them. It does not follow, however, that parents who fulfill their primary obligation to love their children and provide a stable and nurturing environment for them to grow are responsible for the outcome of their kids’ efforts.
*****
Alternatively (and there are many alternatives), parents can adopt a less rigid, more optimistic assumption, namely that, given love and support, most children grow into happy, productive adults independent of whatever theory of parenting they were raised with. This more relaxed approach tries to set reasonable limits on children’s behavior, and is apt to provoke less confrontation and resentment. It is applied in the spirit of knowing that success in parenting is not dependent on a certainty that one is right or has all the answers. It is imperative not to hit kids since fear and violence are the primary lessons taught by corporal punishment.
*****
Nostalgia for an idealized past is common and usually harmless. Memory can, however, distort our attempts to come to terms with the present. When people speak wistfully of the way things used to be, it is almost always in contrast to what is happening now and reflects a kind of gloom about the future.In our memories, things were less expensive, crime less common, people more friendly and trustworthy, relationships more enduring, families closer, children more respectful, music better. My parents lived through the Great Depression. They lost their savings in a bank closure, lived hand to mouth through the 1930s. Yet, in their later years, even this experience took on a romantic hue as they recalled neighbors helping neighbors survive the shared adversity and contrasted it with the selfishness that they saw all around them in the modern world of their old age
*****
What happens as we try to come to terms with our pasts is that we see our lives as a process of continual disenchantment. We long for the security provided by the comforting illusions of our youth. We remember the breathless infatuation of first love; we regret the complications imposed by our mistakes, the compromises of our integrity, the roads not taken. The cumulative burdens of our imperfect lives are harder to bear as we weaken in body and spirit. Our yearning for the past is fueled by a selective memory of our younger selves.
*****
We are haunted by paths not taken, especially our missed opportunities for perfect love. As we age, our bodies betray us and our opinions can harden into calcified prejudice. And from this unenviable vantage point we look back on the Elysian fields of our youth when the possible outweighed the probable in our estimate of the future. It is this state we wish to regain and it is puzzling to us that our memories can be such a curse on the present.So, how best to recover hope when the western horizon of our lives looms increasingly close? We can cultivate religion with its promise of immortality and reunion with those we have lost. Or, we can concede a poor agnosticism and surrender ourselves to the unknown as we try to imagine some meaning in the ceaseless rhythms of existence: life and death, dream and despair, and the heartbreaking mystery of unanswered prayers.
*****
It is revealing to ask those in the grip of depression when was the last time they laughed aloud. It is even more useful to ask family members to try to recall the last time they saw the patient amused. I am accustomed to hearing answers ranging from months to years.
*****
To be able to experience fully the sadness and absurdity that life so often presents and still find reasons to go on is an act of courage abetted by our ability to both love and laugh. Above all, to tolerate the uncertainty we must feel in the face of the large questions of existence requires that we cultivate an ability to experience moments of pleasure. In this sense all humor is “gallows humor,” laughter in the face of death.
*****
Pessimists, like hypochondriacs, are right in the long run. Nobody gets out of here alive. But pessimism, like any attitude, contains within it a multitude of self-fulfilling prophecies. If we approach others in a suspicious or hostile way, they are likely to respond accordingly, thereby confirming our low expectations. Fortunately, the opposite is likewise true. As with any rule there are exceptions and those we encounter do not always mirror our attitudes. If habitual optimism cannot protect us against occasional disappointment, habitual pessimism is a close cousin of despair
*****
When I prayed for his life it was an act of desperation fueled by the hope that the religion of my youth might yet save what was most precious to me. When he died, a victim of random cell mutation within his otherwise perfect body, I was left with the conviction that no god who would allow such a thing to happen was worthy of a moment’s more of my contemplation. I envy those who can retain their faith through such a loss and even imagine a purpose to it. I cannot. But still, I hope for a reunion with the soul of my departed son, so what kind of Agnostic am I?
My notes
At the top of the list would be kindness, a willingness to give of oneself to another. This most desirable of virtues governs all the others, including a capacity for empathy and love
*****
The point is that love is demonstrated behaviorally. Once again we define who we are and who and what we care about, not by what we promise, but by what we do. I constantly redirect people’s attention to this. We are a verbal species, much given to the use of words to explain—and deceive. The worst deceptions, of course, are those we practice on ourselves. What we choose to believe is closely related to deeply felt needs—for example, the dream we all carry around inside us of perfect love, unqualified acceptance of the sort available only from a good mother. This desire makes us vulnerable to the worst forms of self-deception and disillusionment, an indulgence of the hope that we have at last found the person who will endlessly love us exactly as we are.
*****
When I hear someone say, “He does inconsiderate things, but I know he loves me,” I usually ask if it is possible to intentionally hurt someone we love. Would we do such a thing to ourselves? Can we love the truck that runs us over?
*****
This question, “What do I owe my parents?” frequently distorts people’s lives well into, and sometimes throughout, adulthood. In fact, our children owe us nothing. It was our decision to bring them into the world. If we loved them and provided for their needs it was our task as parents, not some selfless act. We knew from the beginning that we were raising them to leave us and it was always our obligation to help them do this unburdened by a sense of unending gratitude or perpetual debt.
*****
Before we can do anything, we must be able to imagine it. This sounds easy, but I find that many people do not make the link between behavior and feelings. I blame modern medicine and the advertising industry for much of this problem. We have become used to the idea that much of what we don’t like about ourselves and our lives can be quickly overcome with little effort on our part. The marketing of medications that favorably affect our mood, changing our appearance through plastic surgery, and self-improvement through consumption all play into the fantasy that happiness is for sale. Malcolm Forbes famously suggested that, “Anyone who thinks that money can’t buy happiness is shopping in the wrong places.”In fact, of course, such a belief only adds to our frustrations and renders our self-constructed prisons more secure. I think of this as a “lottery mentality.” There are those who justify gambling by invoking the notion of selling hope. Those people standing in line, spending money they cannot spare in a game they have no plausible shot at winning talk endlessly about how they will spend their millions. This is not “hope” in any realistic sense; it is dreaming. The characteristics that render each of us unique are seldom the products of rational choice. Sometimes, of course, we do choose to develop healthy practices. Regular exercise can be a life-enhancing routine. Our bad habits, however, tend to insinuate themselves over time and become extremely resistant to change, even when they threaten to destroy our lives.
*****
it is hard to imagine sudden good news. Virtually all the happiness-producing processes in our lives take time, usually a long time: learning new things, changing old behaviors, building satisfying relationships, raising children. This is why patience and determination are among life’s primary virtues.
*****
So here’s to the role of time, patience, and reflection in our lives. If we believe it is better to build than destroy, better to live and let live, better to be than to be seen, then we might have a chance, slowly, to find a satisfying way through life, this flicker of consciousness between two great silences.
*****
Though a straight line appears to be the shortest distance between two points, life has a way of confounding geometry. Often it is the dalliances and the detours that define us. There are no maps to guide our most important searches; we must rely on hope, chance, intuition, and a willingness to be surprised.
*****
One step up from the dangerous obsessions of the stalker is the love that will not die. This quality is frequently on display in battered women and those for whom a dead relationship is still the subject of endless contemplation—and conversation. I have heard a lot of stories that begin, “He hurt me, he left me, but I still love him.” It is as if proclaiming one’s undying devotion dignifies what could otherwise be mistaken for an unattractive masochism
*****
What gives love its power is that it is shared. When experienced alone, the feeling we are having may be intense, as is any form of loneliness, but it is not likely to persist or result in any useful behavior and is of limited interest to others. There is a mythical organization for singles, “Sex Without Partners,” that has a membership composed of many who suffer from unrequited love. Application is free and you can participate without leaving home.
*****
The reality behind these numbers is that we tend to be the same people, philosophically and behaviorally, at forty as we were at twenty. This doesn’t mean we have learned nothing in the intervening years. In fact, most people complete their educations in this time and become more successful occupationally. We just haven’t gained equivalent insight into who we are and why we choose the people we do.
*****
It is surprising how often the closest relationships in our lives come, over time, to resemble power struggles in which we become intimate enemies. Gone is the sense of shared fate, replaced by a daily battle in which the stakes appear to be a survival of self-respect that is somehow threatened by the person who knows us best. Who would want to live this way, in a state of hyper-alertness and competition for stakes that are obscure, even for the participants?
*****
And yet, when people are asked to stop making the disparaging comments that are at the root of much marital conflict, they shift responsibility for change from themselves to “the other” in a way reminiscent of international conflicts in which everyone wants peace, but no one wants to be the first to cease retaliation, fearing that it will just make them vulnerable.At the heart of such skepticism is mis
*****
trust. And so, it seems, is the case with many relationships. My argument in such situations is usually some variation on, “What have you got to lose by trying?” The response is often, “How long do I try?” A better question might be, “Why would I live with someone I don’t trust?” But this is seldom asked, since it brings up all the reasons that people coexist for years in unhappy relationships: money, concerns for children, fear of being alone, and simple inertia.The sad fact
*****
Authenticity is a prized ideal. Though required to play a variety of roles in our daily lives, we would like to see ourselves as having a relatively stable identity that expresses our core values over time. Most of us also place a lot of importance on the way we are seen by those whose opinions we respect.
*****
If we hazard our lives for another or for an ideal we are acting bravely. But as Sancho Panza observed to Don Quixote, “to die without good reason is the greatest sin.”
*****
Some estimates of marital infidelity by age forty place it at fifty to sixty-five percent of married men and thirty-five to forty-five percent of married women. In a society whose dominant expressed marital value is monogamy, these are numbers that indicate not just a high level of hypocrisy, but some serious dissatisfaction with our partners. What is it that people are looking for outside their marriages?
*****
It became an article of faith for feminists that no one relinquishes power willingly; it has to be seized. This attitude is not a prescription for increased closeness. When combined with an increase in the financial independence of women, it is perhaps not coincidental that one in two marriages now ends in divorce. In some ways this change appears to be a good thing. People are less likely to be trapped in unsatisfactory relationships. Any social development that increases our choices seems like an improvement, so why do we live with a sense that we have lost something important?First, there is the damage that is being inflicted on children. The comforting reassurance that it is better for them to adapt to parental separation than live in unhappy marriages has come to seem more like a rationalization for adults in pursuit of their own happiness. There is ample evidence that the dissolution of marriages results in tremendous insecurity and unhappiness for children, particularly since most of the time there is some level of bitterness and recrimination between their parents. That kids are able to cope in some way with their lives being turned upside down does not alter the devastation and disillusionment that most of them experience.
*****
Grief is a subject I have come to know well. Indeed it was the subject of my life for a long time. I wrote a book about it, trying to find my way around it. What I learned is that there is no way around it; you just have to go through it. In that journey I experienced hopelessness, contemplated suicide, and learned that I was not alone. Certain that there could be no comfort in words, I came to realize that words, my own and those of others, were all I had to frame my experience, first my despair and finally a fragile belief that my life still had meaning.
*****
Thirteen years later, my sons, though frozen in time, remain a living presence for me. I have, largely, forgiven myself for not being able to save them. I have reconciled myself to growing old without them. They will not, as I once confidently assumed, bury me. I have forsaken any belief in an orderly universe and a just God. But I have not relinquished my love for them nor my longing that, against all reason, I will see them again.
*****
The primary goal of parenting, beyond keeping our children safe and loved, is to convey to them a sense that it is possible to be happy in an uncertain world, to give them hope. We do this, of course, by example more than by anything we say to them. If we can demonstrate in our own lives qualities of commitment, determination, and optimism, then we have done our job and can use our books of child-rearing advice for doorstops or fireplace fuel. What we cannot do is expect that children who are constantly criticized, bullied, and lectured will think well of themselves and their futures.
*****
One of the things that define us is what we worry about. Life is full of uncertainty and random catastrophe. It is easy, therefore, to justify almost any anxiety. The list of fears that people carry with them is long and varied, and a function of the information with which we are bombarded.
*****
parents whose children are not doing well, who are on illegal drugs, in trouble with the law, or in some other way failing in their lives. These parents are beset with guilt (“What did we do wrong?”). Their child’s struggles reflect poorly on their own efforts. You seldom see a bumper sticker that reads, MY KID IS IN REHAB.To imagine that we are solely, or even primarily, responsible for the successes and failures of our children is a narcissistic myth. It is obvious that parents who abuse their children—physically, psychologically, or sexually—can inflict serious and lasting damage upon them. It does not follow, however, that parents who fulfill their primary obligation to love their children and provide a stable and nurturing environment for them to grow are responsible for the outcome of their kids’ efforts.
*****
Alternatively (and there are many alternatives), parents can adopt a less rigid, more optimistic assumption, namely that, given love and support, most children grow into happy, productive adults independent of whatever theory of parenting they were raised with. This more relaxed approach tries to set reasonable limits on children’s behavior, and is apt to provoke less confrontation and resentment. It is applied in the spirit of knowing that success in parenting is not dependent on a certainty that one is right or has all the answers. It is imperative not to hit kids since fear and violence are the primary lessons taught by corporal punishment.
*****
Nostalgia for an idealized past is common and usually harmless. Memory can, however, distort our attempts to come to terms with the present. When people speak wistfully of the way things used to be, it is almost always in contrast to what is happening now and reflects a kind of gloom about the future.In our memories, things were less expensive, crime less common, people more friendly and trustworthy, relationships more enduring, families closer, children more respectful, music better. My parents lived through the Great Depression. They lost their savings in a bank closure, lived hand to mouth through the 1930s. Yet, in their later years, even this experience took on a romantic hue as they recalled neighbors helping neighbors survive the shared adversity and contrasted it with the selfishness that they saw all around them in the modern world of their old age
*****
What happens as we try to come to terms with our pasts is that we see our lives as a process of continual disenchantment. We long for the security provided by the comforting illusions of our youth. We remember the breathless infatuation of first love; we regret the complications imposed by our mistakes, the compromises of our integrity, the roads not taken. The cumulative burdens of our imperfect lives are harder to bear as we weaken in body and spirit. Our yearning for the past is fueled by a selective memory of our younger selves.
*****
We are haunted by paths not taken, especially our missed opportunities for perfect love. As we age, our bodies betray us and our opinions can harden into calcified prejudice. And from this unenviable vantage point we look back on the Elysian fields of our youth when the possible outweighed the probable in our estimate of the future. It is this state we wish to regain and it is puzzling to us that our memories can be such a curse on the present.So, how best to recover hope when the western horizon of our lives looms increasingly close? We can cultivate religion with its promise of immortality and reunion with those we have lost. Or, we can concede a poor agnosticism and surrender ourselves to the unknown as we try to imagine some meaning in the ceaseless rhythms of existence: life and death, dream and despair, and the heartbreaking mystery of unanswered prayers.
*****
It is revealing to ask those in the grip of depression when was the last time they laughed aloud. It is even more useful to ask family members to try to recall the last time they saw the patient amused. I am accustomed to hearing answers ranging from months to years.
*****
To be able to experience fully the sadness and absurdity that life so often presents and still find reasons to go on is an act of courage abetted by our ability to both love and laugh. Above all, to tolerate the uncertainty we must feel in the face of the large questions of existence requires that we cultivate an ability to experience moments of pleasure. In this sense all humor is “gallows humor,” laughter in the face of death.
*****
Pessimists, like hypochondriacs, are right in the long run. Nobody gets out of here alive. But pessimism, like any attitude, contains within it a multitude of self-fulfilling prophecies. If we approach others in a suspicious or hostile way, they are likely to respond accordingly, thereby confirming our low expectations. Fortunately, the opposite is likewise true. As with any rule there are exceptions and those we encounter do not always mirror our attitudes. If habitual optimism cannot protect us against occasional disappointment, habitual pessimism is a close cousin of despair
*****
When I prayed for his life it was an act of desperation fueled by the hope that the religion of my youth might yet save what was most precious to me. When he died, a victim of random cell mutation within his otherwise perfect body, I was left with the conviction that no god who would allow such a thing to happen was worthy of a moment’s more of my contemplation. I envy those who can retain their faith through such a loss and even imagine a purpose to it. I cannot. But still, I hope for a reunion with the soul of my departed son, so what kind of Agnostic am I?
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 19, 2024
Deixo aqui um excerto que gostei:
“Imaginar que somos apenas, ou mesmo principalmente, responsáveis pelos êxitos e pelos fracassos dos nossos filhos é uma atitude narcisista. É óbvio que os pais que abusam dos filhos física, psicológica ou sexualmente podem provocar-lhes danos graves e duradouros. Não deve deduzir-se, no entanto, que os pais que cumprem a sua obrigação de amar os filhos e proporcionar-lhes um ambiente estável e estimulante para crescerem são responsáveis pelo resultado dos seus esforços.
Como indivíduos autónomos, os nossos filhos são bem-sucedidos ou fracassam principalmente por causa das decisões, boas e más, que tomam na vida. Os pais podem tentar inculcar-lhes os valores e os comportamentos que consideram bons, mas é a forma como vivemos enquanto adultos que transmite aos nossos filhos aquilo por que nos regemos. Só eles decidem se optam por integrar esses valores nas suas vidas.”
“Imaginar que somos apenas, ou mesmo principalmente, responsáveis pelos êxitos e pelos fracassos dos nossos filhos é uma atitude narcisista. É óbvio que os pais que abusam dos filhos física, psicológica ou sexualmente podem provocar-lhes danos graves e duradouros. Não deve deduzir-se, no entanto, que os pais que cumprem a sua obrigação de amar os filhos e proporcionar-lhes um ambiente estável e estimulante para crescerem são responsáveis pelo resultado dos seus esforços.
Como indivíduos autónomos, os nossos filhos são bem-sucedidos ou fracassam principalmente por causa das decisões, boas e más, que tomam na vida. Os pais podem tentar inculcar-lhes os valores e os comportamentos que consideram bons, mas é a forma como vivemos enquanto adultos que transmite aos nossos filhos aquilo por que nos regemos. Só eles decidem se optam por integrar esses valores nas suas vidas.”
April 27, 2020
I found this quick read while taking inventory of my bookcase. The organization of the chapters and individual "lessons" seemed a bit haphazard and the majority related back to marital relationships and parenting. I do think Dr. Livingston demonstrates the delicate balance of being compassionate, while remaining honest and direct. It definitely prompts reflection, but in a gentle way. This all to say -- insightful, but not deeply moving (although you think it would be).
Favorite insight:
Only bad things happen quickly. "When we think about the things that alter our lives in a moment, nearly all of them are bad...Virtually all the happiness-producing processes in our lives take time, usually a long time: learning new things, changing old behaviors, building satisfying relationships, raising children."
Favorite insight:
Only bad things happen quickly. "When we think about the things that alter our lives in a moment, nearly all of them are bad...Virtually all the happiness-producing processes in our lives take time, usually a long time: learning new things, changing old behaviors, building satisfying relationships, raising children."
April 9, 2021
A beautifully encapsulating style of writing this author has.
This book uncovers some of life's often neglected realities (in his opinion), shedding light on them in a concise and practical way through chapters that do not necessarily correlate with one another.
The book has echoed greatly in me, I surely would love to pick it up again.
This book uncovers some of life's often neglected realities (in his opinion), shedding light on them in a concise and practical way through chapters that do not necessarily correlate with one another.
The book has echoed greatly in me, I surely would love to pick it up again.
May 13, 2025
This book is more like a diary for self-analysis of angry and understandably frustrated person that lost his children and now knows better to give advice on life and parenting strategies.
Spoiler alert!!!!………………..
Considering the circumstances, I’d better take advise from a person who’s child didn’t commit suicide from the drug abuse.
Spoiler alert!!!!………………..
Considering the circumstances, I’d better take advise from a person who’s child didn’t commit suicide from the drug abuse.
January 31, 2018
Summary book: https://www.nateliason.com/lessons/so...
List 30 things: http://www.thebridgemaker.com/wp-cont...
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