Turtleface and Beyond: Stories

by Arthur Bradford

A finalist for the 2016 Oregon Book Awards

Darkly funny stories by the man David Sedaris calls "the most outlandish and energetic writer I can think of" Paddling down a remote, meandering river, Georgie's friend Otto decides to do something both spectacular and He scales a sandy cliff that rises from the water and runs down its steep face, preparing for a triumphant running dive. As his friends look on, they watch something awful Otto lands with an odd smack and knocks himself unconscious, blood spilling from his nose and mouth. Georgie arrives on the scene first and sees a small turtle, its shell cracked, floating just below the water's surface.
Otto and the turtle survive the collision, though both need help, and Georgie finds his compassions torn. This title story sets the tone for the rest of Arthur Bradford's Turtleface and Beyond , a strangely funny collection featuring prosthetically limbed lovers, a snakebitten hitchhiker turned wedding crasher, a lawyer at the end of his rope, a ménage à trois at Thailand's Resort Tik Tok, and a whole host of near disasters, narrow escapes, and complicated victories, all narrated by Georgie, who struggles with his poor decisions but finds redemption in the telling of each of his tales. Big-hearted and hilariously high-fueled, Turtleface and Beyond marks the return of a beloved and unforgettable voice in fiction.

Genres: Short Stories, Fiction, Humor

208 pages, Hardcover

First published February 3, 2015

Reviews

[Melki · Rating 5 out of 5]

Going off to try LSD in the woods, having unprotected sex with a crazy person, chucking it all to live on a beach in Thailand, using a chipper shredder...

Yeah, it seemed like a good idea at the time.


Trust me. It wasn't.

Lucky for us, Bradford's character, Georgie, doesn't spend a lot of time thinking about consequences before he jumps into situations, and his lack of poor judgement leads to his having many quirky misadventures thrust upon him. He's the hapless star of most of these stories about amputees, turtles, ex-lovers, hermits and really big dogs. And if your sense of humor is anything like mine, you're going to love them.

Every one of these tales made me go Ew!, then laugh uproariously.

Oddly enough, that's the perfect combination in my book.

This one kept me grinning and is the first book of the year to win a space on my coveted "Best of 2015" shelf.

[Kevin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really funny stories narrated by a hapless, likable guy which a penchant for slapsticky bad decisions. Some of it has a really pulpy feel to it as well, like Jim Thompson writing comedy, especially some of the sexual innuendos. Bradford is also great at the casual conversational tone, like a natural storyteller. Highly enjoyable stuff.

[🐴 🍖]

beavis, 30, having escaped butthead's sphere of influence following high school, pens a memoir of his aimless twenties.

[Mary Anne · Rating 2 out of 5]

I won a copy of this through a GoodReads sweepstakes.

Each story of this collection is narrated by Georgie, a peripatetic and kind of feckless young man. A handful of characters appear in more than one story. The prose in each story flows smoothly and easily. The characters and situations are determinedly quirky and often entertainingly weird.

Unfortunately, the whole collection seems to be a lot of style and not a lot of substance. Rather than fully developed stories, most of the pieces in this book feel more like vignettes, or moments in time, lacking in dramatic tension or character development. The stories, as a whole, appear to be attempting to describe Georgie's life adventures. But over the course of the collection, Georgie doesn't really seem to change or grow or even devolve. Even in the last story, which opens with a statement from Georgie about meeting the person who would change his life, leaves the reader unclear about what changes Georgie actually made. Or, indeed, why he would have been so powerfully affected by this character, more than any oddballs he's met.

The quirkiness of situations and characters all seem just a bit too forced and over the top.

All this makes it sound like I hated this book, which I don't. It's a nice light read that goes by smoothly and cheerfully. But at the end, I was just left with wondering "what was the point" of any of this book? It's all frothed milk and no espresso.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This collection of stories can be categorized as dark comedy and I have to admit that I laughed out loud at the stories many times. The author’s subtle and ironic wit permeates all of the tales. In the title story, “Turtleface,” Otto dives off of a cliff into a river and sustains a disfiguring facial injury. It turns out that he hit a turtle when he entered the water. Georgie, the narrator of the stories, finds the injured turtle, spends $800 to nurse the turtle back to health, and keeps it in a pool in his apartment.

Although all of the stories stand alone as individual narratives, they are all focused around episodes in the life of Georgie. He has many adventures and makes irresponsible decisions that lead to comical, and sometimes tragic, outcomes. He loses part of his leg in a wood chipper, lives in a communal farmhouse full of hippies one winter in Vermont and buys a house with a mysterious metal box that sits in the backyard.

Georgie also encounters strange and sometimes sad people in his adventures. He lives in interesting and varied places, from Thailand to New York City. Georgie also has a string of interesting jobs which include working in a legal library, writing short stories for magazines and cleaning up in a nursing home. All of these elements are adroitly combined to make TURTLEFACE AND BEYOND an entertaining and clever collection of short stories.

For more reviews visit my blog: www.thebookbindersdaughter.com

[Kiki · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this in a couple of days, these are a straightforward read despite the meandering kookiness that pervades them. I enjoyed them but am left unsatisfied. Maybe that's just the nature of short stories for me, they're.....short. But the lack of deeper reflection in these makes them light fare, snack reading. The protagonist is someone to whom things happen, (not someone who makes things happen) and i like his non-reactive, go-with-it manner overall, but i need more! I think I got tired of only seeing life through Georgie's desultory, white, male gaze. Perhaps if these were made into a film the visual element could fill them out. Surprised that these seemed 'hilarious' to people.
Liked these better than Dogwalker though.

[Tuck · Rating 4 out of 5]

humorous connected short stories set mostly in "southern" usa. bradford has another funny one in dogwalkers, this turtleface is even better Dogwalker
subject heading is eccentrics and eccentricities ; fiction.

[LindaJ^ · Rating 2 out of 5]

These 12 short stories are easy to read. Sarah Vowell and David Sedaris, both of whom write books that make me laugh out loud, wrote blurbs lauding the author for the book jacket. I however laughed not even once. For the most part, I find these stories to be sad - about people who are not only down on their luck but are mostly unlikeable.

[Jackson Hamelund · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 Stars. Many unique stories that are little adulty but still good to read (no pun intended). Arthur Bradford came to work with my class and he was very nice and told me my stories were very funny which made me happy. He is a wonderful Author and I've only read 1 and 1/2 of his books, they are funny and I want to read more.

[Eli Carey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved reading Turtle Face and Beyond. I've always been a huge fan of short story books so I was excited when I found this book. But I never expected such a twist to the short story structure. Instead of having multiple story's about completely different things, this book follows the character Georgie through his crazy life experiences. You never know what you are going to get out of a chapter because Branford does such a good job of telling a very original story. This book is a must read for anyone who enjoys the short story book formula.

[Matt Fernandes · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book was wonderful, although I don't think you could call it a book. Because it was a bunch of stories. The stories were great and somewhat interesting. I didn't think it would be that interesting of a book. But I was surprised. Each story has something to do with the other, they all connect in one way. It's cool to see it that way.

[P · Rating 2 out of 5]

Short stories that are mostly about stupid youthful behavior. Bad choices and decisions that are made by the 'scampish' Georgie and his friends. They are supposed to be amusing in a charming manner but when the ORDERLY story started, it became tiring. The 'boys will be boys' behavior became a stale topic. It becomes repulsive when Georgie is working in a mental institution as an orderly. He starts by saying he knows he was irresponsible to flirt w a patient, but he couldn't help it because she was pretty and older. (*So sure... that makes it kinda her fault* because Georgie has only been in one sexual relationship, & he needs to practice) She seemed ok with sex, and didn't appear 'mental', just nervous. He knew she was medicated, but he was attracted to her. They have sex regularly, she becomes pregnant. He admits he doesn't love her, but feels responsible. (Reading this made my skin crawl; such a *decent* guy) He urges her to have an abortion, she refuses. He doesn't want a child w her but urges her to quit smoking and steals prenatal vitamins from a pharmacy. (*how thoughtful*, still doesn't redeem him from raping a patient tho) She starts miscarrying; Georgie blocks the door to the bathroom, not allowing anyone to enter for hours. Since he interfered with security, he was fired. For his silence on the matter he was only terminated with the reason of personal differences. He wonders if the baby would have been 'normal' had it survived; but doubts that idea, because of 'bad genes'. He supposes the child could have never been raised right, but still would have been beautiful and strong anyways.
In the next chapter Georgie refers to the whole incident as 'a stupid indiscretion' and leaves town.
The cavalier attitude of events is disturbing.
Georgie just waltzes away from his irresponsible (criminal) choices and onto the next adventure! Oh, well... That Georgie! What a character! Ha ha ha...
I'm tired of books like this. Published in 2014, and promoted as comparable to David Sedaris, this crap really isn't amusing or humorous, and shouldn't be considered as light reading for entertainment.
Sorry, Arthur Bradford, your book is rubbish.
EDIT: I was feeling I had been a bit too harsh in the above comment, so I flipped thru book to find something nice to add... but then RESORT TIC TOK brought back all the disgust I was feeling for this book. The passage when Georgie is excited because he partakes in a threesom was repulsive. Greta brings her toddler daughter along for the Ménage à trois and expects her to sleep in corner. Of course, the kid wakes up and watches; Georgie is aware the toddler is watching when he jerks off onto Malka's face. Then the toddler watches Georgie jerk off on to her mom's face. This involving of a toddler in sex is disgusting.

[Kelsie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Awkward Encounters in Bradford's New Release

Arthur Bradford's newest collection of short stories, Turtleface and Beyond, presents a dozen absurd stories in a hauntingly relatable fashion. He shies away from no taboo, and his stories cover topics including the mentally ill, drug use, profanity, the sex industry and deviating from societal norms.
The titular story, “Turtleface,” chronicles the consequences of one bombastic man's attempt to impress his female companions by diving from a cliff. His act of courage is thwarted, though, by the presence of an innocent turtle (later called “Charlotte”), who breaks both his fall and his face. Both suffer injuries, and the less courageous by-standing friend is left to reconcile the differences between all parties involved.
This author's favorite, “Lost Limbs,” features a failed date between a woman with a prosthetic arm and a fully able-bodied man. When the man later loses a leg due to a work injury, the two reunite for another date, which ends in catastrophe.
Bradford's characters are all misguided and unsympathetic (a la John Kennedy Toole's Ignatius J. Reilly), yet recognizable in a, “He sounds just like that asshole at work!” or “I sat next to that guy on the train yesterday!” kind of way. The author's real talent lies in taking absurd encounters between strangers and acquaintances and pushing social courtesies to the limit. How far would you go for a man on the side of the street? What if he'd been bitten by a venomous snake? Does it make a difference? What about an ex who's fallen into a laughable relationship – is it your place to interfere? (Any normal human would resoundingly say, “Hell, no!”)
Throughout the collection, Bradford's characters return again and again to the moral conundrum of under what circumstances am I my brother's keeper? Though none of the characters prove to be exemplary role-models, they at least leave the reader wondering, “What would I have done?” And, after all, to leave the reader thinking, is a great success for any writer.

[Sabra Embury · Rating 4 out of 5]

How far would you go for a man who collapses at you from the side of the street? What if he’d been bitten by a poisonous snake and asked you to suck out the venom? What if you were late to a wedding horribly underdressed? Would you ask to borrow his tie? In fiction as in life, there will be no easy answers—but Arthur Bradford’s Turtleface and Beyond puts on a good show regardless.

Read more at the L Magazine http://www.thelmagazine.com/2015/01/w...

[Arjun · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny, smart, sad, and funnier. How funny can normal be? Are you a loser if you know you're a loser? Is the loss of a limb humorous? How about two people with missing limbs dating? How about the loss of a job? Or a family? Or a threesome gone wrong on a beach in Thailand? Or being punched in the face more than once? Comedy really IS tragedy that happens to someone else. A joyous collection of hard to describe interconnected stories. Highly entertaining. And highly recommended

[Carrie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Loved these stories! Bradford has a very simple, clear writing style that makes his fiction very readable and enjoyable. Don't let the simplicity fool you-very sophisticated and thought out. Title story was my favorite, laying out the foundation for stories that gracefully deal with topics such as romance, aging, disability, and courage.

[Valerie Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

There is a simplicity and playfulness to these quirky stories that I really enjoyed. And when I say simplicity, I don't mean stupid. I just mean Bradford worked hard to make these stories accessible and fun to read.

[Bill Landau · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am not often a fan of short stories but I loved every single one of these tales. Each was about a different set of people and scenarios, but they are all entertaining and somehow make a very cohesive collection.

[Michael Jantz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best short stories I have read in a long time.

[Tony · Rating 3 out of 5]

Never heard of Bradford before stumbling across this collection of 12 short stories (10 of which previously appeared in various lit publications like Tin House, McSweeny's, etc...). The stories are very much of a piece -- unified by a sort of dark, deadpan humor mixed with a kind of mumblecore vibe, and animals often present as supporting players in the plot. 

The protagonist is generally a young white man who's got a sort of feckless approach to stumbling through the world. In many of the stories he's named (Georgie) and others it's implied it's the same guy -- events from some stories are referred to in other ones, etc... To a large extent, you're either in tune with the sensibility on offer, or you're not. And I can certainly imagine a lot of readers getting fed up with Georgie.

Reflecting back on having finished it a week ago, I suppose it's fair to say that I more or less enjoyed the stories while finding them completely unmemorable. The humor is mildly dark, rather than truly wicked, and the stories largely fade out with a whimper, leaving little emotional impact. It's not bad stuff, it's just too one-note for me to be enthusiastic about. 

[Gus Degen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Turtleface and Beyond was a very interesting read. I chose this book off the shelf because the name was unique and sounded interesting. I really enjoyed the unique approach that the author Arthur Bradford took when writing this book, as he highlights the life of some lower class Americans who just live "weird" lives. All of these stories had really unpredictable twists and turns that made this book a page turner. I found myself always wondering what was going to happen next. I enjoyed that this book kept me on my toes and how creative all of the stories were. I particularly enjoyed the story called "The Box" where a man moved into a new house in the countryside and he noticed a box in his lawn that he figured was just an electrical box but he became curious when the box started making weird noises. Eventually following more weird noises from the box, the man decides to investigate and he cuts the lock on the box and opens it up to find a whole laboratory beneath his house. I found it very interesting how the stories were so short that most of them were pretty anticlimactic, but they were still really interesting to read.

[Phil reading_fastandslow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Arthur Bradford’s Turtleface and Beyond is a series of dispatches from a guy who keeps wandering into strange situations with nonchalance. The narrator, Georgie, has this guileless, morally bewildered way of recounting events that makes absurdity feel like common sense. These are stories where someone might casually lose a limb, crash a stranger’s wedding while bleeding from a snakebite, or wind up caring for both man and turtle after a freak accident.

Bradford’s prose has that accidental-seeming brilliance where everything feels tossed off until it quietly punches you in the gut. It’s shaggy and earnest. It’s not satire, exactly. There’s too much warmth. Too much interest in people doing the wrong thing for what they think are the right reasons.

My favorites in the collection - Turtleface, Lost Limbs, Snakebite, 217lb Dog - are sneakily funny and lingers as something touching on sadder truth (side note- I felt a similar way about the new movie Friendship). Even the weaker entries serve the voice, which is consistent throughout: a man with no real plan, stumbling through life with a remarkable loyalty to the weirdos around him.

[Mlhoganjr · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was 14 years before Arthur Bradford published a follow-up to Dogwalker, but after all that time the same surreal, absurd, sometimes nerve-wracking plots and tone still dominate these short stories. The narrator/main subject often satisfyingly gets what he deserves as he mostly stumbles from LSD trips (turned involuntary babysitting sessions) to weddings with copperhead snakebite victims hijacking the show to abandonment in a Thai resort. Each one of these chapters read like the most ridiculous stories someone's drinking or stoner buddy tells about their wild days, which makes me suspect the stories might be autobiographical. Mostly schadenfreude-funny but at times disgusting-funny too.

[sexynietzsche · Rating 4 out of 5]

Arthur is a bar local where I live and when I found out he is a writer, my interest was piqued. I wasn’t disappointed. His somewhat cavalier attitude in real life translates to the page well in these funny, odd stories, which are mostly about how the wrong people can ruin your day or your life. I’d recommend this to anyone who is looking for something quick to read that’s un-sentimental and grounded, and especially to anyone who struggles to connect with literature because these stories are good without attempting to read “into” it, in terms of metaphor or moral. The stories are all told from the same perspective and have a postcard quality to them which left me wondering how many were inspired by real events in Arthur’s life. Anyway, well done.

[Diana Kirk · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm reminded of Mark Twain here...and Steinbeck. Characters, characters, characters. This book has got characters and the subtle humor is delicious. The narrator is like a black lab, all goofy and loveable and the people he encounters along the way are just so real, so very much like people I've met over the years it felt like being a young vagabond all over again. This is a great book. Can't wait to read Dogwalker next.

[Bob · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is one of those books that someone much more intelligent than I recommended. I can see the people I grew up with as characters in this book. I also have a sense that this book offers more than I can appreciate. For me, I didn't get it. It was as if I told random stories of experiences with my friends. It's kind of like a Hunter S Thompson story for me. I can relate the stories, but I don't see the appeal to anyone outside of those who experienced them.

[Barbara Berendt · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very entertaining and idiosyncratic, typical of his work. Most of the stories focus on the protagonist’s marginal existence and a sort of casual acceptance of that, together with the narrative itself. To that extent I found it difficult to identify with him; it gnawed at me that he gave in to all the chaos even tho it was intentionally that way. I felt dissonance with the character’s internal voice versus his extreme passivity and a kind of emotional distance. Overall I liked Dogwalker more.

[Steph · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book had me rolling with laughter. The characters, for the most part, were relatively likeable. A few were slightly annoying, but that just gave the book extra character. All of the stories flowed well and the book itself was easy to read in a short amount of time. I would be interested in reading more from this author.

[Danger]

I don't read a lot of short stories but as I was pursuing the shelves at the library something about this book spoke to me. So I checked it out and read it and WOW I had such a great time with this collection. Funny and dark and human all at once. Just really great pragmatic writing. Loved it.

[Melskepko · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing. I really lol-ed