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Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves—and How to Find Our Way Back
From a clinical psychologist and expert in complex trauma recovery comes a powerful guide introducing fawning, an often-overlooked piece of the fight-flight-freeze reaction to trauma—explaining what it is, why it happens, and how to help survivors regain their voice and sense of self.
Most of us are familiar with the three Fs of trauma—flight, fight, or freeze. But psychologists have identified a fourth, extremely common (yet little-understood) fawning. Often conflated with “codependency” or “people pleasing,” fawning occurs when we inexplicably draw closer to a person or relationship that causes pain, rather than pulling away.
Fawning explains why we stay in bad jobs, fall into unhealthy partnerships, and seek out dysfunctional environments, even when it seems so obvious to others that we should go. And fawning can serve a purpose—it’s a protective response to an unsafe situation. But when fawning turns from an emergency coping mechanism into an everyday habit, it stops being useful and starts being a real problem.
The good we can break the pattern of chronic fawning for good, once we see it for the trauma response it is. Drawing on twenty years of clinical psychology work—as well as a lifetime of experience as a recovering fawner herself—Dr. Ingrid Clayton has written a groundbreaking book that brings this emerging concept into the mainstream conversation. Readers will learn WHY we fawn, HOW to recognize the signs of fawning (including taking blame, conflict avoidance, hypervigilance, and caretaking at the expense of ourselves), and WHAT we can do to successfully “unfawn” and finally be ourselves, in all our imperfect perfection.
A landmark book full of empathy and understanding, Fawning offers trauma survivors the vocabulary to discuss their experiences—and, in so doing, gives them the tools to finally heal.
Most of us are familiar with the three Fs of trauma—flight, fight, or freeze. But psychologists have identified a fourth, extremely common (yet little-understood) fawning. Often conflated with “codependency” or “people pleasing,” fawning occurs when we inexplicably draw closer to a person or relationship that causes pain, rather than pulling away.
Fawning explains why we stay in bad jobs, fall into unhealthy partnerships, and seek out dysfunctional environments, even when it seems so obvious to others that we should go. And fawning can serve a purpose—it’s a protective response to an unsafe situation. But when fawning turns from an emergency coping mechanism into an everyday habit, it stops being useful and starts being a real problem.
The good we can break the pattern of chronic fawning for good, once we see it for the trauma response it is. Drawing on twenty years of clinical psychology work—as well as a lifetime of experience as a recovering fawner herself—Dr. Ingrid Clayton has written a groundbreaking book that brings this emerging concept into the mainstream conversation. Readers will learn WHY we fawn, HOW to recognize the signs of fawning (including taking blame, conflict avoidance, hypervigilance, and caretaking at the expense of ourselves), and WHAT we can do to successfully “unfawn” and finally be ourselves, in all our imperfect perfection.
A landmark book full of empathy and understanding, Fawning offers trauma survivors the vocabulary to discuss their experiences—and, in so doing, gives them the tools to finally heal.
304 pages, Hardcover
First published September 9, 2025
665 people are currently reading
9046 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 186 reviews
July 1, 2025
Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves—and How to Find Our Way Back – A Revelatory Guide to Breaking Free from Invisible Chains
Rating: 4.7/5
Dr. Ingrid Clayton’s Fawning is a transformative exploration of one of trauma’s most insidious yet overlooked responses, offering both a lifeline to survivors and a paradigm shift for mental health discourse. As someone who has witnessed the toll of people-pleasing in loved ones (and recognized glimmers of it in myself), this book felt like turning on a light in a dimly understood corner of psychology—equal parts validating and galvanizing.
Why This Book Stands Out
Clayton elevates “fawning” from a misunderstood behavior to a legitimate trauma response, distinct from codependency or mere niceness. Her framework—rooted in 20 years of clinical practice and personal reckoning—demystifies why survivors cling to harmful dynamics (toxic jobs, abusive relationships) through meticulous analysis of hypervigilance, self-betrayal, and the “employer savior complex” of emotional labor. The chapter on “unfawning” (a term she coins to describe reclaiming agency) is revolutionary, blending somatic exercises with cognitive reframing to help readers disentangle survival instincts from identity.
Emotional Resonance & Personal Impact
Reading Fawning stirred a rollercoaster of reactions: recognition (examples of over-apologizing or absorbing blame hit painfully close to home), anger (at how societal norms reward self-erasure), and ultimately hope. Her admission that fawning can be adaptive until it isn’t softened my self-judgment, while case studies of clients breaking free—learning to say “no” without guilt—left me cheering. The section on how fawning manifests in marginalized communities (where safety hinges on appeasement) was particularly eye-opening, bridging individual trauma with systemic oppression.
Constructive Criticism
While Clayton’s clinical expertise shines, the book occasionally leans heavily on therapeutic jargon; a glossary or simplified summaries for lay readers would enhance accessibility. The focus on individual healing, though vital, could be balanced with more concrete strategies for addressing fawning’s societal triggers (e.g., workplace cultures that exploit “team players”).
Final Verdict
A landmark work that deserves shelf space alongside The Body Keeps the Score and CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Clayton doesn’t just name a silent struggle—she hands readers the tools to dismantle it.
Thank you to Edelweiss and Penguin Random House for the gifted copy. This book is a compass for anyone ready to trade approval for authenticity.
Pair with: Not Nice by Aziz Gazipura for assertiveness training, or What My Bones Know for a memoir complement.
For fans of: Gabor Maté’s trauma wisdom, Brené Brown’s vulnerability research, and Pete Walker’s CPTSD frameworks.
Rating: 4.7/5
Dr. Ingrid Clayton’s Fawning is a transformative exploration of one of trauma’s most insidious yet overlooked responses, offering both a lifeline to survivors and a paradigm shift for mental health discourse. As someone who has witnessed the toll of people-pleasing in loved ones (and recognized glimmers of it in myself), this book felt like turning on a light in a dimly understood corner of psychology—equal parts validating and galvanizing.
Why This Book Stands Out
Clayton elevates “fawning” from a misunderstood behavior to a legitimate trauma response, distinct from codependency or mere niceness. Her framework—rooted in 20 years of clinical practice and personal reckoning—demystifies why survivors cling to harmful dynamics (toxic jobs, abusive relationships) through meticulous analysis of hypervigilance, self-betrayal, and the “employer savior complex” of emotional labor. The chapter on “unfawning” (a term she coins to describe reclaiming agency) is revolutionary, blending somatic exercises with cognitive reframing to help readers disentangle survival instincts from identity.
Emotional Resonance & Personal Impact
Reading Fawning stirred a rollercoaster of reactions: recognition (examples of over-apologizing or absorbing blame hit painfully close to home), anger (at how societal norms reward self-erasure), and ultimately hope. Her admission that fawning can be adaptive until it isn’t softened my self-judgment, while case studies of clients breaking free—learning to say “no” without guilt—left me cheering. The section on how fawning manifests in marginalized communities (where safety hinges on appeasement) was particularly eye-opening, bridging individual trauma with systemic oppression.
Constructive Criticism
While Clayton’s clinical expertise shines, the book occasionally leans heavily on therapeutic jargon; a glossary or simplified summaries for lay readers would enhance accessibility. The focus on individual healing, though vital, could be balanced with more concrete strategies for addressing fawning’s societal triggers (e.g., workplace cultures that exploit “team players”).
Final Verdict
A landmark work that deserves shelf space alongside The Body Keeps the Score and CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Clayton doesn’t just name a silent struggle—she hands readers the tools to dismantle it.
Thank you to Edelweiss and Penguin Random House for the gifted copy. This book is a compass for anyone ready to trade approval for authenticity.
Pair with: Not Nice by Aziz Gazipura for assertiveness training, or What My Bones Know for a memoir complement.
For fans of: Gabor Maté’s trauma wisdom, Brené Brown’s vulnerability research, and Pete Walker’s CPTSD frameworks.
September 28, 2025
This was interesting and hit on a lot of good points. My issue with this was that the author used this book often as a platform to advertise her memoir. She talked A LOT about her own personal trauma and her experience with fawning. While I think that there is some value in self-disclosing, I don’t think that it should be happening for the majority of the book. I never read Dr. Clayton’s memoir, but I feel like I probably don’t need to because she talked about her own trauma so much in this book that I felt like I was listening to her own therapy sessions. Her story was interesting and she clearly went through a lot, but the book was advertised as “why the need to please makes us lose ourselves and how to find our way back.” I would’ve liked to read more about the psychology of fawning and actual strategies on how to work through it instead of her personal story woven throughout the book. It felt like this could’ve been a memoir to be honest and when I think back on what I’ve read, I can’t remember anything other than her own personal journey. I am disappointed.
September 17, 2025
I have never felt more seen in a book than I did reading Fawning 🤯 At times I felt as though Dr. Ingrid Clayton was speaking about me and my experiences. This book is well organized and contains a balance of technical information and relatable stories/case examples that made this a quicker read than I was expecting.
"Fawning" can sometimes be mistaken for people pleasing or codependency. It is supposed to be a protective response to an unsafe situation but it can become an unhealthy personality trait that individuals can struggle with. I found this book to be a helpful resource to learn about fawning and how to identify the behavior, emotions and thoughts surrounding this response. As the reader I feel like I have a better understand of my own behavior as well as habits I can incorporate to better my life.
I did start to feel like the chapters would become repetitive towards the end of each chapter (aka long chapters). But otherwise I really enjoyed this one
If you identify has an eldest daughter, people pleasing perfectionist I definitely recommend picking up a copy of this book (audiobook also recommended) 🧠 I always enjoy learning something new
"Fawning" can sometimes be mistaken for people pleasing or codependency. It is supposed to be a protective response to an unsafe situation but it can become an unhealthy personality trait that individuals can struggle with. I found this book to be a helpful resource to learn about fawning and how to identify the behavior, emotions and thoughts surrounding this response. As the reader I feel like I have a better understand of my own behavior as well as habits I can incorporate to better my life.
I did start to feel like the chapters would become repetitive towards the end of each chapter (aka long chapters). But otherwise I really enjoyed this one
If you identify has an eldest daughter, people pleasing perfectionist I definitely recommend picking up a copy of this book (audiobook also recommended) 🧠 I always enjoy learning something new
September 5, 2025
I posted this at my work:
I'm reading Fawning by Dr. Ingrid Clayton. I love reading nonfiction psychology books (so if you need any 600s suggestions!). This book is actually fascinating. I got it as an ARC on Libro FM and the narrator is pretty great too (which I cannot say for most nonfiction audiobooks). Fawning is about the 4th stress response. So there is flight, fright and and freeze. Fawn is the (kind of) newest one. Psychologists have always kind of known about it but it hadn't really been studied yet, mainly because of patriarchal systems of oppression. But fawning is, instead of running away from a threat or hiding, you kind of kiss up to it to keep yourself safe. FASCINATING. She tells stories from her own life as well as stories from her patients (with permission and name changes). She also has an Instagram (and probably TikTok) that are pretty popular. Her explanations are thorough, very relatable and easy to understand, thoughtful, and make you want to save quotes.... from a nonfiction book... about psychology.
I'm reading Fawning by Dr. Ingrid Clayton. I love reading nonfiction psychology books (so if you need any 600s suggestions!). This book is actually fascinating. I got it as an ARC on Libro FM and the narrator is pretty great too (which I cannot say for most nonfiction audiobooks). Fawning is about the 4th stress response. So there is flight, fright and and freeze. Fawn is the (kind of) newest one. Psychologists have always kind of known about it but it hadn't really been studied yet, mainly because of patriarchal systems of oppression. But fawning is, instead of running away from a threat or hiding, you kind of kiss up to it to keep yourself safe. FASCINATING. She tells stories from her own life as well as stories from her patients (with permission and name changes). She also has an Instagram (and probably TikTok) that are pretty popular. Her explanations are thorough, very relatable and easy to understand, thoughtful, and make you want to save quotes.... from a nonfiction book... about psychology.
January 9, 2026
Such a great resource for clinical practice or for anyone that turns to fawning rather than fight/flight/freeze.
Notes I took:
I feel safety in my smallness
Being alone relieves me from the burden of fawning
Just existing feels assertive to a fawner
Learning to take up space is learning to be in discomfort
Be a boulder in the river letting the river go around you rather than carrying you away
Fawning, care taking can be leaning in or appeasement is leaning away
Boundaries help us find our No
Trying to meet everyone else's needs as self care for not having needs met. Boundary setting is not saving people or solving their problems or putting out their fires.
Enlarge ability to tolerate discomfort.
I won't be more responsible for your life than you!
Setting boundaries is speaking up for your needs. You decide who gets in to your life rather than letting everyone in and then managing the damage
Notes I took:
I feel safety in my smallness
Being alone relieves me from the burden of fawning
Just existing feels assertive to a fawner
Learning to take up space is learning to be in discomfort
Be a boulder in the river letting the river go around you rather than carrying you away
Fawning, care taking can be leaning in or appeasement is leaning away
Boundaries help us find our No
Trying to meet everyone else's needs as self care for not having needs met. Boundary setting is not saving people or solving their problems or putting out their fires.
Enlarge ability to tolerate discomfort.
I won't be more responsible for your life than you!
Setting boundaries is speaking up for your needs. You decide who gets in to your life rather than letting everyone in and then managing the damage
September 23, 2025
Very surprised this has received such accolades. My guess is that it’s mostly coming from people outside of the psych world who are feeling seen and validated by some of Dr. Clayton’s anecdotes and are thus praising the book as a whole… This actually got worse for me as it went on. Not that I expected this to paint some all-encompassing picture of fawning (its etiology, its response, etc.) but I didn’t expect such a one-note tale. I’m honestly not sure that you couldn’t swap out the title and every other instauration of “fawning” with “people pleaser” and have the same (and probably more accurate) book. This missed huge varieties in how fawning manifests in a damaging way.
January 23, 2026
4.5⭐️
The author illustrates what fawning is, how it develops, and ways we can step out of it by using examples of (consenting) clients and her own life. I thought this had some great explanations and the examples were really enlightening and added to the explanation.
Overall, I feel like I came out of this with a better understanding of fawning, unmasking, and feel more confident in understanding the many ways that big and little t traumas can come about and impact a person.
I like that she did talk a bit about how other elements like racism can complicate people's relationship to fawning. It isn't a huge part of it so it could have been more, but it is acknowledged and books more specifically about that are cited and discussed. However, I do think that it would have been nice to see similar discussion or mention of autism/neurodivergence. I do think that the fawning response is really key in a fair amount of neurodivergent masking, so it would be nice to see something that talks about them both in tandem.
That being said, this was not presented as THE book on fawning -- just a good explanation and a starting point for coming into yourself and letting go of that response. So my comments aren't a negative per se, just an element I thought about while reading.
The author illustrates what fawning is, how it develops, and ways we can step out of it by using examples of (consenting) clients and her own life. I thought this had some great explanations and the examples were really enlightening and added to the explanation.
Overall, I feel like I came out of this with a better understanding of fawning, unmasking, and feel more confident in understanding the many ways that big and little t traumas can come about and impact a person.
I like that she did talk a bit about how other elements like racism can complicate people's relationship to fawning. It isn't a huge part of it so it could have been more, but it is acknowledged and books more specifically about that are cited and discussed. However, I do think that it would have been nice to see similar discussion or mention of autism/neurodivergence. I do think that the fawning response is really key in a fair amount of neurodivergent masking, so it would be nice to see something that talks about them both in tandem.
That being said, this was not presented as THE book on fawning -- just a good explanation and a starting point for coming into yourself and letting go of that response. So my comments aren't a negative per se, just an element I thought about while reading.
September 27, 2025
I wish I could inject this book into the veins of every single mental health professional!
December 19, 2025
As someone who has struggled with people-pleasing, fawning, and an inability to say no, this book was a must-read for me. The author, a clinical psychologist, shares stories from her clients and weaves them into her own personal struggles and battles with fawning. Self-help books are very hit or miss for me. I’m obsessed with trying to improve my mental health, looking for ways to gain insight and knowledge, and have a better sense of self. This is why I seek out so many self-help books. However, sometimes they can get bogged down in the details and can be too clinical and hard to get into, but this book works because it has a personal touch to it.
I became very emotional during certain chapters of the book, as I felt seen and heard by the author. She’s a magnificent writer who is empathetic, smart, and very talented. She knows how to tell a story and she kept me engaged for about 75% of the book. 25% of the book didn’t fully connect with me, as I felt it was meandering at times. Overall, though, this book inspired me to take stock of my life, not be afraid to take up space, and to evaluate the relationships in my life and how I come across. It’s a nearly perfect book, and I really wanted to give it five stars, but it did lose me for a little while there. In the end, if you find yourself exhausted from making others happy, putting them first, and ignoring your own needs, like myself, you will find a lot in this book that you will connect with and relate to, and it will give you helpful and practical tips on how to live an authentic and meaningful life.
I became very emotional during certain chapters of the book, as I felt seen and heard by the author. She’s a magnificent writer who is empathetic, smart, and very talented. She knows how to tell a story and she kept me engaged for about 75% of the book. 25% of the book didn’t fully connect with me, as I felt it was meandering at times. Overall, though, this book inspired me to take stock of my life, not be afraid to take up space, and to evaluate the relationships in my life and how I come across. It’s a nearly perfect book, and I really wanted to give it five stars, but it did lose me for a little while there. In the end, if you find yourself exhausted from making others happy, putting them first, and ignoring your own needs, like myself, you will find a lot in this book that you will connect with and relate to, and it will give you helpful and practical tips on how to live an authentic and meaningful life.
November 19, 2025
Wow! Like a weighted blanket and faith that a really good hug is coming soon...
P7 Pete Walker […] defined fawning as ”a response to a threat by becoming more appealing to the threat.” Fawners mirror or mirge with someone else’s desires or expectations, to defuse conflict rather than confront it directly.
P8 Essentially, we abandon ourselves when we fawn – our needs, values, and opinions –and this reinforces our vulnerability.
P10 We’ve learned that interpersonal safety nets are for other people, that unconditional love is either a myth or our job to uphold. Consequently, we often become hyper-independent. Unable to lean into healthy relational support, we have to figure it our for ourselves. So we do. […] We swallow it down, pretend everything is fine, and continue fawning for perpetual safety – an exhausting and lonely endeavor.
P11 This is the most heartbreaking component of fawning. We lose the connection to ourselves. […] Fawning is a common coping mechanism for those dealing with continuing relational trauma.
P18 The hyperarousal aspect of fawning has us instinctively managing the moods and states of those ”in charge.” We lean into the very relationships that are causing us harm […] The hypoarousal of fawning numbs our connection to self, our broader sense of agency, and often our ability to feel the effects of the abuse at all.
P19 […] the traumatized body does not forget and is stuck in a state of anticipating – sensing potential danger even when no real danger can be found.
P20 […] many of us confuse our trauma responses for personality. We literally don’t know where we end and where unconscious trauma response begins.
P22 Fawning happens when we are in a double bind, when there are real consequences for not fawning. We can’t address every need simultaneously, so the body has to choose. We choose safety over self. […] which means we cannot identify or act on red flags. […] Merging with distorted views erodes our self-trust and our sense of self altogether.
P27 We need to take back the realities of healthy dependency and caregiving.
P28-9 […] codependency and people-pleasing were ourbest attempts to name something important with the inforomation we had at the time. They were conceived of and grew up alongside our understanding of relational trauma. But until now they weren’t in conversation. Consequently, they weren’t trauma informed.
P30 […] sets up the rescuer dynamic as a proxy for secure attachment. We learn that safety and connection happen only when we prioritize someone else’s needs.
P32 Healing happens when we honor the ways we learned to protect ourselves. When we stop focusing on the imperfections of our coping mechanisms […] Then, and only then, will those old protectors step aside, allowing space for another way.
P38 When we learn to unfawn, we learn to detach from our old ways of people-pleasing and tune in to the self we had to abandon long ago.
P48 Additionally, many parents with dysregulated nervous systems can’t tolerate their child’s full range of emotion.
P62 I could choose myself over my need for her to choose me.
P75 Fawnsters don’t often realize when they’re fawning. […] This is particularly true when fawning stems from childhood trauma, where we weren’t consciously responding to threat as much as were were orienting toward safety, connection, and security. Our focus was on what we were gaining [….]
P76 Getting smaller through fawning is basically solving a math problem. It’s proportional. The relationship is a cup, and if someone else is taking up 80 percent, we need to figure out how to live in the 20 percent that’s left.
P78 Minimization is protective. When you see an animal crouching down, you don’t think, Gee, that squirrel has a self-esteem problem.
P79 […] fawning is a relational trauma response – dependent on the relationship we are in at the time. […] On a scale of ”de-escalate abuse” to ”raise your self-esteem” … de-escalation wins every time.
P80 […] when it comes to anxiety and relational trauma, the cure is rarely about cultivating more calm through breath work or mindfulness; it’s about needing relational safety.
P81 Our fawning is masking our anxiety, managing it through caretaking, appeasing, or blending in. […] Reciprocal relationships are often a foreign experience for fawners.
P82 Due to anxiety, fawners overfunction and overcommit. […] Recall that the act of fawning includes both a merging with preceived expectations and a disconnection with ourselves. This overriding of greater authenticity […]. Fawners are in fact looking for ourselves, outside of ourselves, and it makes us dizzy, confused, and incredibly anxious because there are as many opinions as there are bodies. […]
Perfectionism, in truth, is anxiety masquerading as discipline. (margins)
P83 So many fawners are longing for validation, to be seen, and it seems safe to do it through success, achievement, some obvious marker of our worthiness. […] in order to heal, we have to feel. [….] Because ultimately this is the path to gaining actual self-trust. To finding solid ground.
P86 Judging us for the ways in which our nervous systems were hijacked is not only abhorrent but simply doesn’t help. […] Only when shame has been diminished can we reduce chronic fawning and its consequences.
P88 Healthy conflict involves tolerating some upset, but most fawners don’t know what healthy conflict feels like.
P90 When fawning becomes our go-to trauma response, it’s not just our fight response that gets dropped. It’s our ability to notice or feel conflict at all.
P95 Relational trauma survivors are often called ”old souls,” as though our adultlike attitudes and skill sets come from a past life rather than the necessity of our present-day childhoods.
P97 Fawners have learned that they are the only ones in their family/relationship who can take care of business, metabolize distress. […] There is one theme underneath almost all the signs of fawning: the need to be chosen, the need for external validation, the need to be rescued or picked. This is in fact a counterpoint to self-abandonment. If there is less of me, I need more of you.
P100 We feel stuck in relationships, solely focused on the other person, not understanding how we are stuck in our own patterns of dysfunction. […] I was seeking the solution outside of myself. Trying to solve my dysregulation by attempting to regulate others.
P101 We are hardwired to grow in relationship with others. And we’re just trying to get those fundamental attachment needs met now. The truth is, though, we are often trying to do it with unavailable people. […] healing can absolutely happen in relationship. But it often requires two people who are longing for that, choosing it consciously. It doesn’t happen by the simple fact of being in relationship.
[…] We are brilliant caretakers. […] We are creative and compassionate and willing to go to any lengths. And when we turn all of that back on ourselves, to rescue all the parts of us that we lost along the way, we can finally get free.
P103 […] we needed to lie because honesty invited annihilation. How we had to pretend to be something we weren’t because a greater relational need was at stake.
P108 Particularly when the roots of self-deception are from childhood, being able to stop lying is part of the rescue mission we must go on. WE must go back to the parts of ourselves that are stuck in time and let them know: I AM HERE. You are safe with me.
P110 She was trying to solve a relational problem by taking all the blame.
P113 This shift, from I need [this other person] to save me to Maybe I can save myself can be so hard for trauma survivors to even conceive of, because for so many years, we did need others. We needed our parents.
P115 from Mother Hunger […] “A safe relationship with one trustworthy adult is the cure. Once a safe relationship is established, trauma work might not even be necessary, because attachment healing is trauma healing.
P116 Patrick Teahan […] “A definitive symptom of childhood trauma is trying to get a difficult person to be good to us.”
P117 We’re oriented toward the need we are attempting to meet, not the sacrifices we make to get there.
P119 […] trauma bonding occurs from intermittent reinforcement, creating a hormonal attachment to the person causing us harm.
P123 I didn’t yet understand how adrenaline from a fight-or-flight response mimics the feelings of sexual desire. Elevated heart rate and blood pressure blur the lines between terror and attraction.
P128 Now I understand those particular sparks I’d once thought were essential in a new relationship were better at predicting insanity than healthy chemistry. […] With Yancy, there were no games. In fact, I often joked he had no game.
[…] it’s possible to find a new place within ourselves to call home.
P132 Sacrificing relational harmony, even in relationships we no longer want, feels terrifying, so fawners stay.
P136 We are establishing ourselves as forces of nature. Prioritizing loving relationships with ourselves and with others, because we have finally found safety within.
P143 She didn’t have the language or awareness to tune in to her body, so the answers weren’t available. All of Mia’s focus was external. She knew what everyone else was thinking, what they were feeling, what they wanted her to fix.
P147 […] so often our greatest trauma isn’t the thing that happened to us, but the lack of a safe place to turn. It’s feeling alone with our wounds.
P151 The work of unfawning is about building a new relationship to ourselves, establishing both trust and connection. We must reset our compass from an external orientation to one focused on ourselves as the authority.
P153 An important part of trauma healing is moving away from a strictly cognitive relationship with ourselves, centered in the brain – what we know, or what we think we know – toward what we are sensing, feeling, dreaming, intuiting in our bodies.
P154 Unresolved trauma further disconnects us, making the past feel intrusive, removing us from the experience of right now. [description of SE orienting]
P156 When we learn to attune to others, we look outside of ourselves for answers. […] ask yourself, What do I notice? What might I need?
P161 I thought I needed to stay in a broken relationship to be whole.
P166 The fact is, we will get triggered, and our lives are not meant to be in service of avoiding them.
P167-8 […] strategies aimed at parenting weren’t solving the real problem: my dysregulation. […] And those of us with an overactive fawn response might unconsciously want our children to fawn. […] it can feel like our children won’t be safe in the world without learning to appease, get quiet, and comply, all under the guise of respect.
P174 […] he’s too busy thinking what someone else might think or how he should respond if they ask. So a part of Davis’ trauma healing and ultimately his unfawning is making it safe to know what he is feeling.
P176 Unfawning is an expansion. We are broadening our vision to see more choices and have greater flexibility. […] We don’t have to tell stories that erase aspects of ourselves or of our reality.
P177 There will still be contexts where fawning is appropriate. Just as a fight response is appropriate at times but not all the time.
P178 A major component of unfawning is learning to quell the constant arousal, regulating our nervous system in order to foster more internal safety. […] We often need space in between the instinct to fawn and the discovery of how we actually feel.
P183 We are not fixing ourselves but being with ourselves. […] Fawners are habituated to regulate others in an attempt to regulate ourselves: gaining others’ approval, making them happy so we can be happy. Part of the paradigm shift is finding our center, our safety, without the middleman.
P184 […] Am I in danger, or is this discomfort? […] We aren’t meant to avoid discomfort; we are growing our capacity to tolerate it.
P185 For years, many of us have bypassed our deeper feelings through our trauma responses. Additionally, in trauma that stems from childhood, we weren’t developmentally capable of processing overwhelming feelings, so they’ve remained untouched ever since. Luckily, we have the capacity to process them now. We just need to know how.
P186 So finding a therapist is trauma informed is a must. Finding someone who is trauma trained is ideal. That means they have specific bottom-up trauma modalities in their tool kit.
P197 […] modalities in trauma healing: […] we need to trust the truth in our bodies so we can begin to reclaim it. We need to let the feelings come. Discover that we can feel them. Allow natural processes to finally resolve.
P198 No one quite understands why EMDR works. One theory is that bilateral stimulation mimics REM sleep, helping the body process and consolidate memories and emotions. Another is that it encourages better communication between the right and left hemispheres of the brain.
P200 The idea in EMDR is to notice what you notice. It’s not about telling a story; it’s being an audience member of your own mind and body. […] No more […] resistance.
P201 She’d become internally safe enough to contain it and was finally able to process what had happened. […] EMDR purged what her eating disorder was always trying to but never could.
P202 Other forms of bilateral stimulation are drumming, dancing, and even walking.
P203 […] psychedelic […] The theme among all these medicines […] is they allow people to access difficult memories without the same emotional charge.
P204 Like so much other unfinished business, trauma inhibits our ability to grieve […] the wounds in our lives, much less all the time we lost trying to avoid them.
P205 Grieving drops us into reality. This can be painful, but it’s also where we have real choices. […] Fawners have felt invisible and undeserving for so long, but grieving can restore our voices. It opens the door to a healthy fight response where we build our capacity for anger and asserting ourselves. It holds the seeds of reciprocal relationships. […] My clients and I have discovered our healing often entails leaving a trauma-bonded relationship.
P206 […] the debilitating pain that no one was coming to save her. […] When we wake up to how fawning is no longer working, when we realize the person or situation that we thought would save us is gone or will never do what we thought they would, we feel a complete loss of hope. Unbelievable despair.
[…] We’ve had to grieve not just what happened in the past, but also the loss of self the original wounding required. We must grieve the fact that the people who were meant to be closest to us, to love us the most, hurt us the most.
[…] a part of us is dying. The part that was fiercely protecting others. Fighting for them and abandoning us. In facing what feels like disloyalty to ourselves and others, we become more honest than we ever were before, and this begins our rebirth.
P208 Rituals can be a profound way to mark transitions and honor grief. They can hold aspects of the grieving process and make it visible while we are building our new sense of self. […] To live in reality. Not the magical thinking of a child’s mind, but the full expanse of what it means to be human.
P210 In essence, reparenting is parenting ourselves. It’s becoming the parent we needed back then. When we can provide the care and nurturance we always deserved, our needs can finally be met. […]
While there is no such thing as perfect parenting, the fact is that children need co-regulation. Parents bounce babies because they literally can’t self-soothe.
[…] We allow ourselves to put down our stories and admit what our childhood was really like. This doesn’t have to be about blame, it’s about clarity.
P211 <> […] lots of trauma work feels like inner child work, as the core is related to seeing and soothing ourselves.
P212 She needed a loving, capable presence to help get her unstuck, and that loving presence was her.
P213 A key part of healing trauma means we become the person we needed as a child. This means showing up for them, connecting with them, loving them, and letting them feel that they are no longer alone.
P223 Rather than always orienting ourselves toward others, we practice letting others lean in toward us if they are able. And if they choose not to – well, that’s good information, too, that allows us to make informed choices from there.
P224 A key aspect of unfawning, then, is cultivating a new relationship with […] anger […]
P225 We don’t sacrifice ourselves to anger, impulsively reacting in a rage. We learn to feel our anger and be in relationship with it.
P227 Leaning into healthy anger provides a gateway to appropriate response. We turn from how others might be impacted to what we actually need. […] Part of learning a healthy fight response mean feeling the boiling point we’ve been avoiding for good reason.
P228 Unfawning […] doesn’t mean we stop considering other people’s needs; it means our needs matter, too.
P231 Compensating for neglect, invisibility, and never having our needs met, we’ve attempted to meet everyone else’s needs as the route to self-care.
P242 I finally realized that if I had to choose (and I did), I would rather have me in my life than her in my life. […] I was breaking a cycle, doing the brave and brutal work of healing trauma. […] I never realized that staying in relationship with a mother who saw me as broken made me believe I actually was.
P246 It’s that we each feel responsible for ourselves and for the quality of our relationship. […] It allows us to have an actual partnership where each take up space.
P253 Unfawning is about welcoming ourselves to the party. […] We remember that we can have a say, that we are allowed a seat at the table. This allows us to exhale, sink into our bodies, and finally be ourselves.
P256 […] the metaphorical file folders she has for all her loved ones. They contain all the ideas she has for how they might improve their lives. […] When she realized that maybe it was time to let go of all those files, she was like, “Well, now what will I do with my days?” But that is exactly the point. When we let go of managing others, we can start to make a file folder for ourselves.
P7 Pete Walker […] defined fawning as ”a response to a threat by becoming more appealing to the threat.” Fawners mirror or mirge with someone else’s desires or expectations, to defuse conflict rather than confront it directly.
P8 Essentially, we abandon ourselves when we fawn – our needs, values, and opinions –and this reinforces our vulnerability.
P10 We’ve learned that interpersonal safety nets are for other people, that unconditional love is either a myth or our job to uphold. Consequently, we often become hyper-independent. Unable to lean into healthy relational support, we have to figure it our for ourselves. So we do. […] We swallow it down, pretend everything is fine, and continue fawning for perpetual safety – an exhausting and lonely endeavor.
P11 This is the most heartbreaking component of fawning. We lose the connection to ourselves. […] Fawning is a common coping mechanism for those dealing with continuing relational trauma.
P18 The hyperarousal aspect of fawning has us instinctively managing the moods and states of those ”in charge.” We lean into the very relationships that are causing us harm […] The hypoarousal of fawning numbs our connection to self, our broader sense of agency, and often our ability to feel the effects of the abuse at all.
P19 […] the traumatized body does not forget and is stuck in a state of anticipating – sensing potential danger even when no real danger can be found.
P20 […] many of us confuse our trauma responses for personality. We literally don’t know where we end and where unconscious trauma response begins.
P22 Fawning happens when we are in a double bind, when there are real consequences for not fawning. We can’t address every need simultaneously, so the body has to choose. We choose safety over self. […] which means we cannot identify or act on red flags. […] Merging with distorted views erodes our self-trust and our sense of self altogether.
P27 We need to take back the realities of healthy dependency and caregiving.
P28-9 […] codependency and people-pleasing were ourbest attempts to name something important with the inforomation we had at the time. They were conceived of and grew up alongside our understanding of relational trauma. But until now they weren’t in conversation. Consequently, they weren’t trauma informed.
P30 […] sets up the rescuer dynamic as a proxy for secure attachment. We learn that safety and connection happen only when we prioritize someone else’s needs.
P32 Healing happens when we honor the ways we learned to protect ourselves. When we stop focusing on the imperfections of our coping mechanisms […] Then, and only then, will those old protectors step aside, allowing space for another way.
P38 When we learn to unfawn, we learn to detach from our old ways of people-pleasing and tune in to the self we had to abandon long ago.
P48 Additionally, many parents with dysregulated nervous systems can’t tolerate their child’s full range of emotion.
P62 I could choose myself over my need for her to choose me.
P75 Fawnsters don’t often realize when they’re fawning. […] This is particularly true when fawning stems from childhood trauma, where we weren’t consciously responding to threat as much as were were orienting toward safety, connection, and security. Our focus was on what we were gaining [….]
P76 Getting smaller through fawning is basically solving a math problem. It’s proportional. The relationship is a cup, and if someone else is taking up 80 percent, we need to figure out how to live in the 20 percent that’s left.
P78 Minimization is protective. When you see an animal crouching down, you don’t think, Gee, that squirrel has a self-esteem problem.
P79 […] fawning is a relational trauma response – dependent on the relationship we are in at the time. […] On a scale of ”de-escalate abuse” to ”raise your self-esteem” … de-escalation wins every time.
P80 […] when it comes to anxiety and relational trauma, the cure is rarely about cultivating more calm through breath work or mindfulness; it’s about needing relational safety.
P81 Our fawning is masking our anxiety, managing it through caretaking, appeasing, or blending in. […] Reciprocal relationships are often a foreign experience for fawners.
P82 Due to anxiety, fawners overfunction and overcommit. […] Recall that the act of fawning includes both a merging with preceived expectations and a disconnection with ourselves. This overriding of greater authenticity […]. Fawners are in fact looking for ourselves, outside of ourselves, and it makes us dizzy, confused, and incredibly anxious because there are as many opinions as there are bodies. […]
Perfectionism, in truth, is anxiety masquerading as discipline. (margins)
P83 So many fawners are longing for validation, to be seen, and it seems safe to do it through success, achievement, some obvious marker of our worthiness. […] in order to heal, we have to feel. [….] Because ultimately this is the path to gaining actual self-trust. To finding solid ground.
P86 Judging us for the ways in which our nervous systems were hijacked is not only abhorrent but simply doesn’t help. […] Only when shame has been diminished can we reduce chronic fawning and its consequences.
P88 Healthy conflict involves tolerating some upset, but most fawners don’t know what healthy conflict feels like.
P90 When fawning becomes our go-to trauma response, it’s not just our fight response that gets dropped. It’s our ability to notice or feel conflict at all.
P95 Relational trauma survivors are often called ”old souls,” as though our adultlike attitudes and skill sets come from a past life rather than the necessity of our present-day childhoods.
P97 Fawners have learned that they are the only ones in their family/relationship who can take care of business, metabolize distress. […] There is one theme underneath almost all the signs of fawning: the need to be chosen, the need for external validation, the need to be rescued or picked. This is in fact a counterpoint to self-abandonment. If there is less of me, I need more of you.
P100 We feel stuck in relationships, solely focused on the other person, not understanding how we are stuck in our own patterns of dysfunction. […] I was seeking the solution outside of myself. Trying to solve my dysregulation by attempting to regulate others.
P101 We are hardwired to grow in relationship with others. And we’re just trying to get those fundamental attachment needs met now. The truth is, though, we are often trying to do it with unavailable people. […] healing can absolutely happen in relationship. But it often requires two people who are longing for that, choosing it consciously. It doesn’t happen by the simple fact of being in relationship.
[…] We are brilliant caretakers. […] We are creative and compassionate and willing to go to any lengths. And when we turn all of that back on ourselves, to rescue all the parts of us that we lost along the way, we can finally get free.
P103 […] we needed to lie because honesty invited annihilation. How we had to pretend to be something we weren’t because a greater relational need was at stake.
P108 Particularly when the roots of self-deception are from childhood, being able to stop lying is part of the rescue mission we must go on. WE must go back to the parts of ourselves that are stuck in time and let them know: I AM HERE. You are safe with me.
P110 She was trying to solve a relational problem by taking all the blame.
P113 This shift, from I need [this other person] to save me to Maybe I can save myself can be so hard for trauma survivors to even conceive of, because for so many years, we did need others. We needed our parents.
P115 from Mother Hunger […] “A safe relationship with one trustworthy adult is the cure. Once a safe relationship is established, trauma work might not even be necessary, because attachment healing is trauma healing.
P116 Patrick Teahan […] “A definitive symptom of childhood trauma is trying to get a difficult person to be good to us.”
P117 We’re oriented toward the need we are attempting to meet, not the sacrifices we make to get there.
P119 […] trauma bonding occurs from intermittent reinforcement, creating a hormonal attachment to the person causing us harm.
P123 I didn’t yet understand how adrenaline from a fight-or-flight response mimics the feelings of sexual desire. Elevated heart rate and blood pressure blur the lines between terror and attraction.
P128 Now I understand those particular sparks I’d once thought were essential in a new relationship were better at predicting insanity than healthy chemistry. […] With Yancy, there were no games. In fact, I often joked he had no game.
[…] it’s possible to find a new place within ourselves to call home.
P132 Sacrificing relational harmony, even in relationships we no longer want, feels terrifying, so fawners stay.
P136 We are establishing ourselves as forces of nature. Prioritizing loving relationships with ourselves and with others, because we have finally found safety within.
P143 She didn’t have the language or awareness to tune in to her body, so the answers weren’t available. All of Mia’s focus was external. She knew what everyone else was thinking, what they were feeling, what they wanted her to fix.
P147 […] so often our greatest trauma isn’t the thing that happened to us, but the lack of a safe place to turn. It’s feeling alone with our wounds.
P151 The work of unfawning is about building a new relationship to ourselves, establishing both trust and connection. We must reset our compass from an external orientation to one focused on ourselves as the authority.
P153 An important part of trauma healing is moving away from a strictly cognitive relationship with ourselves, centered in the brain – what we know, or what we think we know – toward what we are sensing, feeling, dreaming, intuiting in our bodies.
P154 Unresolved trauma further disconnects us, making the past feel intrusive, removing us from the experience of right now. [description of SE orienting]
P156 When we learn to attune to others, we look outside of ourselves for answers. […] ask yourself, What do I notice? What might I need?
P161 I thought I needed to stay in a broken relationship to be whole.
P166 The fact is, we will get triggered, and our lives are not meant to be in service of avoiding them.
P167-8 […] strategies aimed at parenting weren’t solving the real problem: my dysregulation. […] And those of us with an overactive fawn response might unconsciously want our children to fawn. […] it can feel like our children won’t be safe in the world without learning to appease, get quiet, and comply, all under the guise of respect.
P174 […] he’s too busy thinking what someone else might think or how he should respond if they ask. So a part of Davis’ trauma healing and ultimately his unfawning is making it safe to know what he is feeling.
P176 Unfawning is an expansion. We are broadening our vision to see more choices and have greater flexibility. […] We don’t have to tell stories that erase aspects of ourselves or of our reality.
P177 There will still be contexts where fawning is appropriate. Just as a fight response is appropriate at times but not all the time.
P178 A major component of unfawning is learning to quell the constant arousal, regulating our nervous system in order to foster more internal safety. […] We often need space in between the instinct to fawn and the discovery of how we actually feel.
P183 We are not fixing ourselves but being with ourselves. […] Fawners are habituated to regulate others in an attempt to regulate ourselves: gaining others’ approval, making them happy so we can be happy. Part of the paradigm shift is finding our center, our safety, without the middleman.
P184 […] Am I in danger, or is this discomfort? […] We aren’t meant to avoid discomfort; we are growing our capacity to tolerate it.
P185 For years, many of us have bypassed our deeper feelings through our trauma responses. Additionally, in trauma that stems from childhood, we weren’t developmentally capable of processing overwhelming feelings, so they’ve remained untouched ever since. Luckily, we have the capacity to process them now. We just need to know how.
P186 So finding a therapist is trauma informed is a must. Finding someone who is trauma trained is ideal. That means they have specific bottom-up trauma modalities in their tool kit.
P197 […] modalities in trauma healing: […] we need to trust the truth in our bodies so we can begin to reclaim it. We need to let the feelings come. Discover that we can feel them. Allow natural processes to finally resolve.
P198 No one quite understands why EMDR works. One theory is that bilateral stimulation mimics REM sleep, helping the body process and consolidate memories and emotions. Another is that it encourages better communication between the right and left hemispheres of the brain.
P200 The idea in EMDR is to notice what you notice. It’s not about telling a story; it’s being an audience member of your own mind and body. […] No more […] resistance.
P201 She’d become internally safe enough to contain it and was finally able to process what had happened. […] EMDR purged what her eating disorder was always trying to but never could.
P202 Other forms of bilateral stimulation are drumming, dancing, and even walking.
P203 […] psychedelic […] The theme among all these medicines […] is they allow people to access difficult memories without the same emotional charge.
P204 Like so much other unfinished business, trauma inhibits our ability to grieve […] the wounds in our lives, much less all the time we lost trying to avoid them.
P205 Grieving drops us into reality. This can be painful, but it’s also where we have real choices. […] Fawners have felt invisible and undeserving for so long, but grieving can restore our voices. It opens the door to a healthy fight response where we build our capacity for anger and asserting ourselves. It holds the seeds of reciprocal relationships. […] My clients and I have discovered our healing often entails leaving a trauma-bonded relationship.
P206 […] the debilitating pain that no one was coming to save her. […] When we wake up to how fawning is no longer working, when we realize the person or situation that we thought would save us is gone or will never do what we thought they would, we feel a complete loss of hope. Unbelievable despair.
[…] We’ve had to grieve not just what happened in the past, but also the loss of self the original wounding required. We must grieve the fact that the people who were meant to be closest to us, to love us the most, hurt us the most.
[…] a part of us is dying. The part that was fiercely protecting others. Fighting for them and abandoning us. In facing what feels like disloyalty to ourselves and others, we become more honest than we ever were before, and this begins our rebirth.
P208 Rituals can be a profound way to mark transitions and honor grief. They can hold aspects of the grieving process and make it visible while we are building our new sense of self. […] To live in reality. Not the magical thinking of a child’s mind, but the full expanse of what it means to be human.
P210 In essence, reparenting is parenting ourselves. It’s becoming the parent we needed back then. When we can provide the care and nurturance we always deserved, our needs can finally be met. […]
While there is no such thing as perfect parenting, the fact is that children need co-regulation. Parents bounce babies because they literally can’t self-soothe.
[…] We allow ourselves to put down our stories and admit what our childhood was really like. This doesn’t have to be about blame, it’s about clarity.
P211 <> […] lots of trauma work feels like inner child work, as the core is related to seeing and soothing ourselves.
P212 She needed a loving, capable presence to help get her unstuck, and that loving presence was her.
P213 A key part of healing trauma means we become the person we needed as a child. This means showing up for them, connecting with them, loving them, and letting them feel that they are no longer alone.
P223 Rather than always orienting ourselves toward others, we practice letting others lean in toward us if they are able. And if they choose not to – well, that’s good information, too, that allows us to make informed choices from there.
P224 A key aspect of unfawning, then, is cultivating a new relationship with […] anger […]
P225 We don’t sacrifice ourselves to anger, impulsively reacting in a rage. We learn to feel our anger and be in relationship with it.
P227 Leaning into healthy anger provides a gateway to appropriate response. We turn from how others might be impacted to what we actually need. […] Part of learning a healthy fight response mean feeling the boiling point we’ve been avoiding for good reason.
P228 Unfawning […] doesn’t mean we stop considering other people’s needs; it means our needs matter, too.
P231 Compensating for neglect, invisibility, and never having our needs met, we’ve attempted to meet everyone else’s needs as the route to self-care.
P242 I finally realized that if I had to choose (and I did), I would rather have me in my life than her in my life. […] I was breaking a cycle, doing the brave and brutal work of healing trauma. […] I never realized that staying in relationship with a mother who saw me as broken made me believe I actually was.
P246 It’s that we each feel responsible for ourselves and for the quality of our relationship. […] It allows us to have an actual partnership where each take up space.
P253 Unfawning is about welcoming ourselves to the party. […] We remember that we can have a say, that we are allowed a seat at the table. This allows us to exhale, sink into our bodies, and finally be ourselves.
P256 […] the metaphorical file folders she has for all her loved ones. They contain all the ideas she has for how they might improve their lives. […] When she realized that maybe it was time to let go of all those files, she was like, “Well, now what will I do with my days?” But that is exactly the point. When we let go of managing others, we can start to make a file folder for ourselves.
January 23, 2026
This book is part of an amazing conversation about a newly recognized FOURTH trauma response beyond fight, flight, and freeze. I see so much fawning in my work and I’m so excited we’re talking about it!
I love the deep dive into CPTSD as a concept and how it creates space for nuance in ongoing relational trauma and stress. The emphasis on “how did this once protect you” is crucial for creating space for change WITHOUT starting from a point of shame. I love the body work and that there are some real, concrete steps towards internal and external work included in this book.
I think there is some more space for hard truths around fawning and dishonesty in the book. The final chapters do mention relation harm FROM fawning, but some earlier chapters seem to breeze over the impact of dishonesty in appeasement - even if it’s a longer protective mechanism.
I love the deep dive into CPTSD as a concept and how it creates space for nuance in ongoing relational trauma and stress. The emphasis on “how did this once protect you” is crucial for creating space for change WITHOUT starting from a point of shame. I love the body work and that there are some real, concrete steps towards internal and external work included in this book.
I think there is some more space for hard truths around fawning and dishonesty in the book. The final chapters do mention relation harm FROM fawning, but some earlier chapters seem to breeze over the impact of dishonesty in appeasement - even if it’s a longer protective mechanism.
November 14, 2025
I wish I would have had this book years ago.
December 21, 2025
Whether you are a professional or a layperson, this is a useful resource. Dr. Ingrid does a great job at showing why the fawn response develops and becomes automatic. Stylistically, it reads more like memoir and less like a guidebook with practical suggestions. I still found it eye-opening and worth the read. 4.5 stars rounded up
January 12, 2026
I first heard about fawning in my own therapy. I wanted to learn more and stumbled upon this book. There is no perfect self-help book but reading this was like looking into a mirror (whether I wanted to look or not) and I have recommended it to several people including my therapist!
October 12, 2025
Read through chapter 4 & do not intend to finish.
Read
November 17, 2025This would have been more relevant for me a few years ago, but nonetheless a very readable and engaging book that crystallised some things for me. Would def recommend to folks prone to people pleasing and fawning.
Read
November 17, 2025In "Fawning: Finding Your Way Back from the Need to Please", Ingrid Clayton explores a survival pattern that often hides beneath outward competence and kindness: the instinct to appease others at the expense of oneself. Many people live their entire lives saying yes when they want to say no, downplaying their own needs, or staying in relationships that quietly erode their sense of self. Clayton examines this reflex not as a flaw in character but as a deeply embedded trauma response. She reveals why attempts to simply 'be assertive ' or 'set boundaries’ often fail for those who fawn, and she offers a clearer understanding of why this pattern develops and how to slowly unwind it. By presenting real stories, psychological insight, and body-based tools for change, the book lays out a path back to authenticity and self-trust.
Clayton begins by introducing the idea that fawning is a fourth trauma response that exists alongside fight, flight, and freeze. Unlike ordinary people-pleasing, fawning is involuntary. It is what happens when the mind and body sense that submission is the safest available option. Through her own adolescent experience - being trapped in a hot tub with a predatory stepfather - she illustrates how fawning emerges when neither confrontation nor escape is possible. At thirteen, she didn’t consciously choose to act cheerful; her nervous system adopted the only strategy that offered protection. This moment becomes emblematic of how children raised in unsafe or unpredictable environments learn to sacrifice their needs, voice, and boundaries in order to maintain proximity to those they depend on. Because this adaptation can look like compliance, politeness, or emotional maturity, society often mistakes it for strength. Yet beneath the surface lies fear. Clayton introduces examples like Anthony, the high-achieving attorney whose entire identity was formed around external validation, and whose moment of awakening came only when he accidentally overheard his parents insult him with casual cruelty. His story, like hers, underscores that fawning can disguise itself as high functioning, ambition, or generosity, even as it erodes the self from within.
The book goes on to show how fawning is not simply a personal issue but a behavior supported and reinforced by the systems around us. Hierarchies - social, corporate, cultural - often reward those who stay agreeable, compliant, and nonconfrontational. Clayton uses examples such as Dax Shepard’s childhood instinct to appease a violent man and describes how his later physical growth gave him the literal ability to respond differently. Most people never experience such a dramatic shift in power. Women, people of color, and those who have grown up in emotionally volatile households face additional pressure to adapt their behavior to the expectations of others. Francis, one of the individuals Clayton highlights, learned early that managing her mother’s emotions kept her safe, and later found herself repeating this same emotional labor with a volatile partner. Her eventual refusal to obey one of his demands caused an explosion of anger that clarified the truth: their relationship depended on her compliance. Through stories like these, the book explains why telling someone to 'stop being a people-pleaser ' is ineffective. People who fawn are often performing necessary roles within the systems around them, and changing the behavior may require reexamining entire relational structures.
Clayton then turns to the subtle signs of fawning that can be difficult to detect because they often masquerade as virtues. Self-erasure is common: minimizing one’s needs, smoothing conflict before it occurs, apologizing reflexively, or changing one’s personality to match the environment. She describes people who become emotional contortionists, taking up as little space as possible because doing otherwise once resulted in punishment. Grace’s story - being physically assaulted by her father for choosing her preferred pizza topping - illustrates how quickly a child can learn that personal preferences carry danger. As an adult, she still panics around simple choices because her body remembers the consequences of having an opinion. The book emphasizes that these symptoms are not signs of weakness but lingering echoes of environments where safety depended on invisibility.
Healing begins with awareness, and Clayton presents various practices that help people shift from automatic appeasement to conscious choice. A crucial theme is the idea that the body must be involved in recovery. Many survivors intellectually understand their trauma but continue to react from deeply stored physical memory. The story of Sadie, who had extensive knowledge about eating disorders yet remained trapped in her patterns, demonstrates this mind-body divide. Her transformation occurred only when she engaged in somatic processing through EMDR. By incorporating bilateral tapping and letting bodily sensations guide her, she accessed and released the emotional burdens her thinking mind could not address. Clayton explains why body-based modalities - long exhaled breathing, grounding exercises, gentle movement, and sensory awareness - help regulate the nervous system and create enough internal safety to make new choices.
Another essential component of healing is reconnecting with one’s internal compass. Clayton encourages practices like Orienting, which involves consciously taking in one’s physical surroundings to signal to the nervous system that immediate danger is not present. She also discusses resourcing, the practice of asking oneself what the body needs in the moment - food, rest, movement, solitude - and following that internal guidance. These practices begin to loosen the grip of automatic appeasement by reminding survivors that their needs matter and can be attended to. Clayton includes examples like Francis, who discovered a newfound sense of freedom and identity when spending an entire weekend alone for the first time. Moments of solitude, self-directed time, and intentional decision-making help individuals differentiate between who they are and who they have been told to be.
The book also highlights how healing can disrupt long-standing relationships. Clayton does not sugarcoat the reality that some people are invested in the compliant version of us. Lily’s experience with her friend Ava - who reacted with hostility when Lily withheld private details about her dating life - shows how setting even small boundaries can reveal unhealthy dynamics. The ending of that friendship was painful but necessary, illustrating the truth that not all relationships can withstand a person’s return to themselves. Clayton stresses that healthy anger, though often frightening to those who fawn, is a natural and vital emotion. Reclaiming anger allows individuals to sense when something is wrong and to protect themselves through appropriate boundaries.
Ultimately, "Fawning: Finding Your Way Back from the Need to Please" teaches that the goal is not to eliminate protective instincts but to regain the ability to choose. Fawning may have been essential for survival once, but healing invites a broader range of responses - assertiveness, authenticity, self-direction, and connection grounded in mutual respect. Clayton’s work provides both understanding and practical guidance for anyone who has lived their life tuned to others’ needs while suppressing their own. Her message is a hopeful one: with awareness, somatic healing, and courageous boundary-setting, it is possible to step out of automatic appeasement and return to a life shaped by genuine self-trust.
Clayton begins by introducing the idea that fawning is a fourth trauma response that exists alongside fight, flight, and freeze. Unlike ordinary people-pleasing, fawning is involuntary. It is what happens when the mind and body sense that submission is the safest available option. Through her own adolescent experience - being trapped in a hot tub with a predatory stepfather - she illustrates how fawning emerges when neither confrontation nor escape is possible. At thirteen, she didn’t consciously choose to act cheerful; her nervous system adopted the only strategy that offered protection. This moment becomes emblematic of how children raised in unsafe or unpredictable environments learn to sacrifice their needs, voice, and boundaries in order to maintain proximity to those they depend on. Because this adaptation can look like compliance, politeness, or emotional maturity, society often mistakes it for strength. Yet beneath the surface lies fear. Clayton introduces examples like Anthony, the high-achieving attorney whose entire identity was formed around external validation, and whose moment of awakening came only when he accidentally overheard his parents insult him with casual cruelty. His story, like hers, underscores that fawning can disguise itself as high functioning, ambition, or generosity, even as it erodes the self from within.
The book goes on to show how fawning is not simply a personal issue but a behavior supported and reinforced by the systems around us. Hierarchies - social, corporate, cultural - often reward those who stay agreeable, compliant, and nonconfrontational. Clayton uses examples such as Dax Shepard’s childhood instinct to appease a violent man and describes how his later physical growth gave him the literal ability to respond differently. Most people never experience such a dramatic shift in power. Women, people of color, and those who have grown up in emotionally volatile households face additional pressure to adapt their behavior to the expectations of others. Francis, one of the individuals Clayton highlights, learned early that managing her mother’s emotions kept her safe, and later found herself repeating this same emotional labor with a volatile partner. Her eventual refusal to obey one of his demands caused an explosion of anger that clarified the truth: their relationship depended on her compliance. Through stories like these, the book explains why telling someone to 'stop being a people-pleaser ' is ineffective. People who fawn are often performing necessary roles within the systems around them, and changing the behavior may require reexamining entire relational structures.
Clayton then turns to the subtle signs of fawning that can be difficult to detect because they often masquerade as virtues. Self-erasure is common: minimizing one’s needs, smoothing conflict before it occurs, apologizing reflexively, or changing one’s personality to match the environment. She describes people who become emotional contortionists, taking up as little space as possible because doing otherwise once resulted in punishment. Grace’s story - being physically assaulted by her father for choosing her preferred pizza topping - illustrates how quickly a child can learn that personal preferences carry danger. As an adult, she still panics around simple choices because her body remembers the consequences of having an opinion. The book emphasizes that these symptoms are not signs of weakness but lingering echoes of environments where safety depended on invisibility.
Healing begins with awareness, and Clayton presents various practices that help people shift from automatic appeasement to conscious choice. A crucial theme is the idea that the body must be involved in recovery. Many survivors intellectually understand their trauma but continue to react from deeply stored physical memory. The story of Sadie, who had extensive knowledge about eating disorders yet remained trapped in her patterns, demonstrates this mind-body divide. Her transformation occurred only when she engaged in somatic processing through EMDR. By incorporating bilateral tapping and letting bodily sensations guide her, she accessed and released the emotional burdens her thinking mind could not address. Clayton explains why body-based modalities - long exhaled breathing, grounding exercises, gentle movement, and sensory awareness - help regulate the nervous system and create enough internal safety to make new choices.
Another essential component of healing is reconnecting with one’s internal compass. Clayton encourages practices like Orienting, which involves consciously taking in one’s physical surroundings to signal to the nervous system that immediate danger is not present. She also discusses resourcing, the practice of asking oneself what the body needs in the moment - food, rest, movement, solitude - and following that internal guidance. These practices begin to loosen the grip of automatic appeasement by reminding survivors that their needs matter and can be attended to. Clayton includes examples like Francis, who discovered a newfound sense of freedom and identity when spending an entire weekend alone for the first time. Moments of solitude, self-directed time, and intentional decision-making help individuals differentiate between who they are and who they have been told to be.
The book also highlights how healing can disrupt long-standing relationships. Clayton does not sugarcoat the reality that some people are invested in the compliant version of us. Lily’s experience with her friend Ava - who reacted with hostility when Lily withheld private details about her dating life - shows how setting even small boundaries can reveal unhealthy dynamics. The ending of that friendship was painful but necessary, illustrating the truth that not all relationships can withstand a person’s return to themselves. Clayton stresses that healthy anger, though often frightening to those who fawn, is a natural and vital emotion. Reclaiming anger allows individuals to sense when something is wrong and to protect themselves through appropriate boundaries.
Ultimately, "Fawning: Finding Your Way Back from the Need to Please" teaches that the goal is not to eliminate protective instincts but to regain the ability to choose. Fawning may have been essential for survival once, but healing invites a broader range of responses - assertiveness, authenticity, self-direction, and connection grounded in mutual respect. Clayton’s work provides both understanding and practical guidance for anyone who has lived their life tuned to others’ needs while suppressing their own. Her message is a hopeful one: with awareness, somatic healing, and courageous boundary-setting, it is possible to step out of automatic appeasement and return to a life shaped by genuine self-trust.
December 5, 2025
This is a great book! I rated it a 3 only because I don't think it's super revolutionary for those who previously were or are currently in therapy. It has a lot of great reminders though! I liked the individual stories to help show what fawning is. It is a great book and a great starter for those who have not done therapy.
September 17, 2025
5 stars.
Full disclosure, Ingrid is a childhood friend and I adore her and would read anything she wrote and -sidenote-would listen to her read anything, and would pay large amounts of money to listen to hear sing anything.
That said, I have been looking forward to this release because I follow Ingrid's professional instagram and have been on my own therapeutic journey to heal my complex childhood trauma. I've witnessed Ingrid's awakening as she has navigated her personal healing path and been keenly interested in her research and experience working with clients healing their trauma. I had never heard of Fawning and even as I learned snippets from her social media, wasn't clear that it was a descriptor of my behavior.
This book is wonderful as a gateway to learning and understanding behaviors that may have benefitted us as children but perhaps are hindering us as adults. I've already suggested to my therapist as well as many of my friends who are either on self-growth paths or who have complex trauma on their own that they pick up this book.
A phenomenal work. Bravo.
Full disclosure, Ingrid is a childhood friend and I adore her and would read anything she wrote and -sidenote-would listen to her read anything, and would pay large amounts of money to listen to hear sing anything.
That said, I have been looking forward to this release because I follow Ingrid's professional instagram and have been on my own therapeutic journey to heal my complex childhood trauma. I've witnessed Ingrid's awakening as she has navigated her personal healing path and been keenly interested in her research and experience working with clients healing their trauma. I had never heard of Fawning and even as I learned snippets from her social media, wasn't clear that it was a descriptor of my behavior.
This book is wonderful as a gateway to learning and understanding behaviors that may have benefitted us as children but perhaps are hindering us as adults. I've already suggested to my therapist as well as many of my friends who are either on self-growth paths or who have complex trauma on their own that they pick up this book.
A phenomenal work. Bravo.
January 6, 2026
Ingrid Clayton's Fawning reminds me of the other solid pop psychology books that have come out the past decade or so. Another trauma discussion that millennials are attempting to take back. There's another psychology term that needs comeuppance since it's been neglected. So while power still has control over these words and diagnoses, there's enough social progress that one form of stifled vulnerability becomes more acknowledgeable to a generation.
In Stephanie Foo's What My Bones Know it was complex trauma. In this one we get one mental health professional's take on accountability...for the evolutionary psychology jargon newly imposed. You're no longer boxed into responding in a traumatic situation with fighting, flighting, or freezing. Like an emotional animal of some kind. Like Bambi basically. You are now permitted a fawning response! You can be judged as a person caught in an oppressive (sometimes hostile hunting) environment where the adrenaline of anxiety can be put to better use. And then again, do it yourself Beatrix Kiddo.
I didn't get put off by the beginning of this book although I was skeptical. I realized by the end it was an awkward but misunderstood strength of the authors to state her candor just so. It's that she wasn't going for pats on the back which made me trust her more. She starts out telling her story in an almost trivial way, focusing on details you can't help but get frustrated about. By the end it falls into place with more credibility. You slowly but surely intuit your role in her emotional agility as the book moves on.
Not sure if I'm like the rest of you, but when I listen to a shared trauma, I want, in one fell swoop, to be over and done with the broad strokes. And this is maybe where the sharing of trauma gets off to an awful start. I want the agency part to be easy. To size up its social importance and then like Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting to demand that person get back out there again since wow, you are in fact just the bigger (oftentimes not physically) person. You are better than me. I could most literally never do what you are doing right now.
If only grief were that easy. Instead it's like alright I'm getting out of this shitty situation. So who's coming with me?!! Followed by literally no one even thinking about coming with you. And so you're like fuckem' here we go anyway.
When you're caught in an abusive situation, the power of how your story is told by the abuser saturates everything. You kinda gotta take everyone in there down with you. Like, kinda, sorta, body slam style. Whether they like it or not. Because you are demanding power over the ring telling your story. Since power has to be taken, it won't be given...Or some other WWF reference.
Healing takes a long time when you're hit with the wrong chair. Even longer if your loved ones are unwilling to sit there with you. So as toxic as this book is for her mom and how haunted this situation will be by the book's success, this is the price of social progress yet again. It's a bloodbath.
Hopefully the next generation won't have to wrestle with this stuff. Certainly not WWF style. And thereby paving the way, you make your own history sound trivial in retrospect. What else could be hoped for? People, who are moving on with their own lives can't take way from the sharing of what you had to get off your chest. Hopefully by the end it's abundantly clear that a self-proclaimed fawner isn't doing this to take the easy way out, or to defame some other person they'd rather never have to acknowledge again in their lives.
If even that is unclear, then we know it's a language marketing problem. We live in super borderline times with social media dividing and conquering all forms of confidance. Gotta take accountability for your own feelings, since no one can do that for you...says both oppressor, and oppressed, and the Undertaker. You can't see his eyes when he does that weird thing. It's never the right time, which is why it's always the right time, to lay the smack down...Roland Barthes said something like that. Dude was literally hit by a laundry van and didn't make it. But good luck to you, I'll see you out there.
In Stephanie Foo's What My Bones Know it was complex trauma. In this one we get one mental health professional's take on accountability...for the evolutionary psychology jargon newly imposed. You're no longer boxed into responding in a traumatic situation with fighting, flighting, or freezing. Like an emotional animal of some kind. Like Bambi basically. You are now permitted a fawning response! You can be judged as a person caught in an oppressive (sometimes hostile hunting) environment where the adrenaline of anxiety can be put to better use. And then again, do it yourself Beatrix Kiddo.
I didn't get put off by the beginning of this book although I was skeptical. I realized by the end it was an awkward but misunderstood strength of the authors to state her candor just so. It's that she wasn't going for pats on the back which made me trust her more. She starts out telling her story in an almost trivial way, focusing on details you can't help but get frustrated about. By the end it falls into place with more credibility. You slowly but surely intuit your role in her emotional agility as the book moves on.
Not sure if I'm like the rest of you, but when I listen to a shared trauma, I want, in one fell swoop, to be over and done with the broad strokes. And this is maybe where the sharing of trauma gets off to an awful start. I want the agency part to be easy. To size up its social importance and then like Ben Affleck in Good Will Hunting to demand that person get back out there again since wow, you are in fact just the bigger (oftentimes not physically) person. You are better than me. I could most literally never do what you are doing right now.
If only grief were that easy. Instead it's like alright I'm getting out of this shitty situation. So who's coming with me?!! Followed by literally no one even thinking about coming with you. And so you're like fuckem' here we go anyway.
When you're caught in an abusive situation, the power of how your story is told by the abuser saturates everything. You kinda gotta take everyone in there down with you. Like, kinda, sorta, body slam style. Whether they like it or not. Because you are demanding power over the ring telling your story. Since power has to be taken, it won't be given...Or some other WWF reference.
Healing takes a long time when you're hit with the wrong chair. Even longer if your loved ones are unwilling to sit there with you. So as toxic as this book is for her mom and how haunted this situation will be by the book's success, this is the price of social progress yet again. It's a bloodbath.
Hopefully the next generation won't have to wrestle with this stuff. Certainly not WWF style. And thereby paving the way, you make your own history sound trivial in retrospect. What else could be hoped for? People, who are moving on with their own lives can't take way from the sharing of what you had to get off your chest. Hopefully by the end it's abundantly clear that a self-proclaimed fawner isn't doing this to take the easy way out, or to defame some other person they'd rather never have to acknowledge again in their lives.
If even that is unclear, then we know it's a language marketing problem. We live in super borderline times with social media dividing and conquering all forms of confidance. Gotta take accountability for your own feelings, since no one can do that for you...says both oppressor, and oppressed, and the Undertaker. You can't see his eyes when he does that weird thing. It's never the right time, which is why it's always the right time, to lay the smack down...Roland Barthes said something like that. Dude was literally hit by a laundry van and didn't make it. But good luck to you, I'll see you out there.
November 17, 2025
Worthwhile read - 4/5 stars
Notes from my phone
- fawning: enacting a subconscious trauma response that keeps you trapped in harmful patterns while appearing perfectly functional on the surface
- Most people know about our ingrained fight, flight, and freeze response when facing threats. But there's a fourth response called fawning, where we become more appealing to the very person or situation that’s harming us. But unlike regular people-pleasing, fawning isn’t a conscious choice – it’s an unconscious survival strategy
- Her options of response were limited. She couldn't fight him – he was twice her size; couldn't flee – she was a dependent child; and for some reason, didn't freeze. Instead, her body chose a fourth option: act normal and agreeable while internally terrified. She played along just enough to stay safe, appearing sweet and docile to her predator to manage his mood. She was fawning.
This pattern stems from what psychologists call complex trauma.
- Complex trauma stems not from a single dramatic event, but ongoing threats to our safety in relationships
- Your nervous system made the best choice available at the time. Healing begins with honoring these protective mechanisms while gradually expanding your capacity to be authentically yourself in relationships
- we find ourselves embedded in all kinds of social hierarchies that demand compliance.
Patriarchal systems reward traditionally "feminine" traits like deference and caretaking. Corporate cultures expect employees to be "team players" who don't rock the boat. Family systems often require children to manage their parents' emotions rather than the reverse.
- For people of color, the stakes are even higher. Code-switching – adjusting your entire presentation depending on your environment— becomes a daily necessity. You might need to appear "cool" and tough in one setting, then switch to accommodating small talk in another, never getting to be authentically yourself.
- Self-minimization is perhaps the most common pattern of fawners. They treat relationships like math problems: if someone else takes up 80 percent of the emotional space, they learn to survive in the remaining 20 percent. They justify others' harmful behavior, lower their expectations, and engage in magical thinking that things will improve "if only" they do more
- The pattern of shapeshifting follows naturally for fawners. They adopt different personalities in different contexts to meet perceived expectations.
- The unfawning process involves several key stages. First, you must reconnect with your healthy anger – that inner fire that signals “I'm not okay with this." Somatic practices like the ones described earlier can be a great path toward this. Many people who fawn are disconnected from their body and its natural emotions. Learning to feel and express anger safely, whether through physical movement, creative outlets, or direct communication, becomes essential
Notes from my phone
- fawning: enacting a subconscious trauma response that keeps you trapped in harmful patterns while appearing perfectly functional on the surface
- Most people know about our ingrained fight, flight, and freeze response when facing threats. But there's a fourth response called fawning, where we become more appealing to the very person or situation that’s harming us. But unlike regular people-pleasing, fawning isn’t a conscious choice – it’s an unconscious survival strategy
- Her options of response were limited. She couldn't fight him – he was twice her size; couldn't flee – she was a dependent child; and for some reason, didn't freeze. Instead, her body chose a fourth option: act normal and agreeable while internally terrified. She played along just enough to stay safe, appearing sweet and docile to her predator to manage his mood. She was fawning.
This pattern stems from what psychologists call complex trauma.
- Complex trauma stems not from a single dramatic event, but ongoing threats to our safety in relationships
- Your nervous system made the best choice available at the time. Healing begins with honoring these protective mechanisms while gradually expanding your capacity to be authentically yourself in relationships
- we find ourselves embedded in all kinds of social hierarchies that demand compliance.
Patriarchal systems reward traditionally "feminine" traits like deference and caretaking. Corporate cultures expect employees to be "team players" who don't rock the boat. Family systems often require children to manage their parents' emotions rather than the reverse.
- For people of color, the stakes are even higher. Code-switching – adjusting your entire presentation depending on your environment— becomes a daily necessity. You might need to appear "cool" and tough in one setting, then switch to accommodating small talk in another, never getting to be authentically yourself.
- Self-minimization is perhaps the most common pattern of fawners. They treat relationships like math problems: if someone else takes up 80 percent of the emotional space, they learn to survive in the remaining 20 percent. They justify others' harmful behavior, lower their expectations, and engage in magical thinking that things will improve "if only" they do more
- The pattern of shapeshifting follows naturally for fawners. They adopt different personalities in different contexts to meet perceived expectations.
- The unfawning process involves several key stages. First, you must reconnect with your healthy anger – that inner fire that signals “I'm not okay with this." Somatic practices like the ones described earlier can be a great path toward this. Many people who fawn are disconnected from their body and its natural emotions. Learning to feel and express anger safely, whether through physical movement, creative outlets, or direct communication, becomes essential
December 1, 2025
There are four types of stress responses; fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. Fawning is a new to me kind of response because I always assumed I was a flight person, but as it turns out, I'm a major fawner. In this book, Dr. Ingrid Clayton provides personal anecdotes, relatable case stories and examples, and technical information that explains what it is, how fawning is used unknowingly, and what we can do to overcome these tendencies.
What I find most interesting is that this wasn't necessarily studied up until recently due to patriarchal systems of oppression.... Read that again.
This book shows us that fawning isn't a personal 'issue' but perhaps a behavior that's reinforced by systems around us. Be agreeable, don't rock the boat, just forget about it, it's in the past move on, be compliant, don't confront, etc. While I understand that 'being agreeable' is sometimes easy, it also oppresses our own personal feelings by doing what the other person(s) wants. It's taking care of someone else before yourself. But if you're catering to other people's needs before your own, how are you taking care of yourself and your own mental state?
I thought reading this around the holidays was actually the best time to read it. This book helped me understand what I do unknowingly that may be hurting me in the long run. I'm not saying I'm going to riot against every single tradition and event that I'm not 100% into, but it does help me mentally address what I can do to modify how I react to certain things.
This book has a lot of personal anecdotes from Dr. Clayton's upbringing that didn't always feel like it was something I could relate to, however, her responses to certain situations definitely were relatable. What I've found is that situations don't have to be similar, but responses are.
This book teaches to not eliminate protective instincts, but to regain the ability to choose for yourself. I thought Dr. Clayton provided excellent guidance for those who would like to work on their fawning tendencies. This book is filled with hope, healing, and guides to reinforce setting boundaries to return to your true, genuine self.
What I find most interesting is that this wasn't necessarily studied up until recently due to patriarchal systems of oppression.... Read that again.
This book shows us that fawning isn't a personal 'issue' but perhaps a behavior that's reinforced by systems around us. Be agreeable, don't rock the boat, just forget about it, it's in the past move on, be compliant, don't confront, etc. While I understand that 'being agreeable' is sometimes easy, it also oppresses our own personal feelings by doing what the other person(s) wants. It's taking care of someone else before yourself. But if you're catering to other people's needs before your own, how are you taking care of yourself and your own mental state?
I thought reading this around the holidays was actually the best time to read it. This book helped me understand what I do unknowingly that may be hurting me in the long run. I'm not saying I'm going to riot against every single tradition and event that I'm not 100% into, but it does help me mentally address what I can do to modify how I react to certain things.
This book has a lot of personal anecdotes from Dr. Clayton's upbringing that didn't always feel like it was something I could relate to, however, her responses to certain situations definitely were relatable. What I've found is that situations don't have to be similar, but responses are.
This book teaches to not eliminate protective instincts, but to regain the ability to choose for yourself. I thought Dr. Clayton provided excellent guidance for those who would like to work on their fawning tendencies. This book is filled with hope, healing, and guides to reinforce setting boundaries to return to your true, genuine self.
November 17, 2025
BLUF (Bottom Line Up Front)
I learned that “fawning” is a fourth trauma response people rationally use as a survival strategy I had never been taught to see.
Executive Summary
Ingrid Clayton documents how the fawn response emerges when a person under threat defaults to appeasement to secure safety. Core ideas include:
• Fawning functions alongside fight, flight, and freeze as a stress adaptation.
• Chronic appeasement reshapes identity, boundaries, and relational patterns.
• Recovery requires naming the pattern, locating its developmental roots, and practicing discomfort tolerance.
• Awareness of fawning in others allows for more accurate empathy and healthier boundaries.
Review
Clayton’s framing hits a blind spot most trauma discussions skip. I spent years adhering to the flight, fight, or freeze framework — yet I had missed that some students, colleagues, even friends weren’t avoiding conflict or lacking confidence or just sucking up. They were fawning. That distinction matters. I wonder if it’s only a serious trauma response, or whether there is a more nuanced, lower-stakes application, like talking to a professor about a grade.
The book made me see how often we misinterpret compliance as engagement. In design work, these are the learners who nod along, over-accommodate, and disappear the moment stakes rise. Clayton’s narrative maps the internal logic: appeasement feels safer than authenticity.
Personally, the concept exposed how quickly I rationalize others’ behaviors without understanding the survival math underneath. Recognizing fawning forces me to slow down, ask better questions, and stop assuming that quiet agreement equals true consent.
Similar Reads
• No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz — identity, protection, and internal survival strategies.
• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk — foundational trauma physiology.
Authorship Note: This review was co-authored using a time-saving GPT I built to help structure and refine my thoughts.
I learned that “fawning” is a fourth trauma response people rationally use as a survival strategy I had never been taught to see.
Executive Summary
Ingrid Clayton documents how the fawn response emerges when a person under threat defaults to appeasement to secure safety. Core ideas include:
• Fawning functions alongside fight, flight, and freeze as a stress adaptation.
• Chronic appeasement reshapes identity, boundaries, and relational patterns.
• Recovery requires naming the pattern, locating its developmental roots, and practicing discomfort tolerance.
• Awareness of fawning in others allows for more accurate empathy and healthier boundaries.
Review
Clayton’s framing hits a blind spot most trauma discussions skip. I spent years adhering to the flight, fight, or freeze framework — yet I had missed that some students, colleagues, even friends weren’t avoiding conflict or lacking confidence or just sucking up. They were fawning. That distinction matters. I wonder if it’s only a serious trauma response, or whether there is a more nuanced, lower-stakes application, like talking to a professor about a grade.
The book made me see how often we misinterpret compliance as engagement. In design work, these are the learners who nod along, over-accommodate, and disappear the moment stakes rise. Clayton’s narrative maps the internal logic: appeasement feels safer than authenticity.
Personally, the concept exposed how quickly I rationalize others’ behaviors without understanding the survival math underneath. Recognizing fawning forces me to slow down, ask better questions, and stop assuming that quiet agreement equals true consent.
Similar Reads
• No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz — identity, protection, and internal survival strategies.
• The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk — foundational trauma physiology.
Authorship Note: This review was co-authored using a time-saving GPT I built to help structure and refine my thoughts.
January 13, 2026
Dr. Ingrid Clayton did a thorough job covering the subject of fawning. A bit informational, a bit memoir, a bit of shared stories from her personal clients, and a bit of implementational routines made a great self help book! I especially resonated with her experience with her mother: I let my mother go for a few years and it was the best thing I have ever done for my mental health. How can parents be so cruelly blind and selfish?
“…and I felt the same way I always had. Like being with her was an obligation. Like my mom didn’t know me at all, but this is what it looked like to be a good daughter. You show up. You accept your mother’s limitations; privilege her wounds. You understand that she’s doing the best she can. Only now… I felt angry about it.”
My calling in life is to be a caretaker, and because of this book, I’ve figured out why I’m so damn good at it. I’m a professional fawner. I grew up and became the adult I needed as a child, and seemingly the adult my clients needed when they were children. Knowing what I know now, I’m not sure what my future looks like career-wise. But, going forth, I have a toolbox full of new tools because of Dr. Clayton. I’m excited to dive deeper into EMDR with my therapist about new subjects I wasn’t aware needed reflecting.
“When our fawning leans in the direction of caretaking, we’ve loaned out parts of ourselves as though we’re a hardware store. ‘How can I help you?’ ‘Have you tried this new tool?’ We’ve drawn up plans for others they know nothing about. Compensating for neglect, invisibility, and never having our needs met, we’ve attempted to meet everyone else’s needs as the route to self-care.”
I’m so glad I took the time to read this book, I’ll be recommending it to my closest friends and family! I’m looking forward to reading her memoir.
“…and I felt the same way I always had. Like being with her was an obligation. Like my mom didn’t know me at all, but this is what it looked like to be a good daughter. You show up. You accept your mother’s limitations; privilege her wounds. You understand that she’s doing the best she can. Only now… I felt angry about it.”
My calling in life is to be a caretaker, and because of this book, I’ve figured out why I’m so damn good at it. I’m a professional fawner. I grew up and became the adult I needed as a child, and seemingly the adult my clients needed when they were children. Knowing what I know now, I’m not sure what my future looks like career-wise. But, going forth, I have a toolbox full of new tools because of Dr. Clayton. I’m excited to dive deeper into EMDR with my therapist about new subjects I wasn’t aware needed reflecting.
“When our fawning leans in the direction of caretaking, we’ve loaned out parts of ourselves as though we’re a hardware store. ‘How can I help you?’ ‘Have you tried this new tool?’ We’ve drawn up plans for others they know nothing about. Compensating for neglect, invisibility, and never having our needs met, we’ve attempted to meet everyone else’s needs as the route to self-care.”
I’m so glad I took the time to read this book, I’ll be recommending it to my closest friends and family! I’m looking forward to reading her memoir.
September 11, 2025
I realized I’ve been fawning my entire life. Signs of fawning include minimizing oneself, hyper vigilance, anxiety and shame.
It can also include masking to fit situations.
We do this because of the need to be chosen, approved of and to hold onto our sense of safety.
Fawners are not lying about who we are, but trying to learn who we are and want to be, who we need to be to remain relationally safe while maintaining others’ perception of us.
This book was extremely relatable and included so many different real-person examples. Definitely worth reading
It can also include masking to fit situations.
We do this because of the need to be chosen, approved of and to hold onto our sense of safety.
Fawners are not lying about who we are, but trying to learn who we are and want to be, who we need to be to remain relationally safe while maintaining others’ perception of us.
This book was extremely relatable and included so many different real-person examples. Definitely worth reading
January 12, 2026
"The fawner’s intentions then were never to please or compulsively caretake. We were looking for power in situations where we were powerless."
"Living our lives in suspended alarm. Through this lens, we can see how many of us confuse our trauma responses for personality. We literally don’t know where we end and where unconscious trauma response begins."
"Codependency is often described as selfishness, a pathological need to be needed. But what is truer is that it’s a need to be safe, to belong, in a situation where healthy reciprocal relationships did not exist."
"Living our lives in suspended alarm. Through this lens, we can see how many of us confuse our trauma responses for personality. We literally don’t know where we end and where unconscious trauma response begins."
"Codependency is often described as selfishness, a pathological need to be needed. But what is truer is that it’s a need to be safe, to belong, in a situation where healthy reciprocal relationships did not exist."
January 9, 2026
this book answered so many of my own self critical questions. I cried while reading this from the patients stories and how I related so deeply to the majority of things discussed. Incredible book for information on the Fawn trauma response and everything related.
September 8, 2025
Fantastic
October 8, 2025
Some good truth to this book, but sometimes being high intellectualizer doesn’t help :(
Currently reading
October 26, 2025Page 54: But if we don’t allow ourselves to feel our anger, discomfort, and frustration, we can’t see our truth.… We remain stuck in disconnection, from ourselves and others.
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