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Pretending to be Normal: Living with Asperger's Syndrome
Pretending to be Normal tells the story of a woman who, after years of self-doubt and self-denial, learned to embrace her Asperger's syndrome traits with thanksgiving and joy. Chronicling her life from her earliest memories through her life as a university lecturer, writer, wife and mother, Liane Holliday Willey shares, with insight and warmth, the daily struggles and challenges that face many of those who have Asperger's Syndrome. Pretending to be Normal invites its readers to welcome the Asperger community with open acceptance, for it makes it clear that, more often than not, they are capable, viable, interesting and kind people who simply find unique ways to exhibit those qualities. The last part of the book consists of a series of substantial appendices which provide helpful coping strategies and guidance, based on the author's own experience, for a range of situations. This positive and humane book will provide not only insight into the Asperger world which will prove invaluable for the professionals who work with people with Asperger's Syndrome, but also hope and encouragement for other people with Asperger's Syndrome, their families, and their friends.
176 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1999
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 137 reviews
March 5, 2016
Over the past four years I've devoted a bit of time to study and research Asperger's Syndrome. I realized I could relate to the traits and quirks and routines of others on the autism spectrum. Yet it wasn't easy to get my diagnosis - there's still not enough awareness, even among mental health folks, of autism and Asperger's Syndrome in women and girls.
I feel, as Liane Holliday says, "Why, I wondered, did everyone refuse to accept my words as fact and not fiction? Why was I getting so much opposition? Why were my observations being discounted as so unimportant and unreliable?" So now, I feel quite fortunate that women like Liane are writing books to not only bring awareness to the world, but also to help those of us with a diagnosis. This book is both a memoir and a guide to life.
Though every Aspie is a unique individual, there are many commonalities: a love of information and organization, details, routines, obsessive thinking (that's focus), logical and literal-mindedness, the often unbearableness of eye contact, a love of solitude and time to recharge...And the exhaustion we experience from feeling we have to hide who we are to fit in - "In fact, living with one foot in neurotypical land and one in Aspieland, is very stressful and exhausting." I'm glad the author is choosing to pretend a little less. She is an inspiration to me.
This book is not only helpful and inspiring for those with an AS diagnosis, but for anyone who wants to learn more about what life is like for a woman with Asperger's Syndrome. Oh to have had this when I was younger!
Thank you to Jessica Kinsgley Publishers and NetGalley for the opportunity to read and review an advance copy of this book!
I feel, as Liane Holliday says, "Why, I wondered, did everyone refuse to accept my words as fact and not fiction? Why was I getting so much opposition? Why were my observations being discounted as so unimportant and unreliable?" So now, I feel quite fortunate that women like Liane are writing books to not only bring awareness to the world, but also to help those of us with a diagnosis. This book is both a memoir and a guide to life.
Though every Aspie is a unique individual, there are many commonalities: a love of information and organization, details, routines, obsessive thinking (that's focus), logical and literal-mindedness, the often unbearableness of eye contact, a love of solitude and time to recharge...And the exhaustion we experience from feeling we have to hide who we are to fit in - "In fact, living with one foot in neurotypical land and one in Aspieland, is very stressful and exhausting." I'm glad the author is choosing to pretend a little less. She is an inspiration to me.
This book is not only helpful and inspiring for those with an AS diagnosis, but for anyone who wants to learn more about what life is like for a woman with Asperger's Syndrome. Oh to have had this when I was younger!
Thank you to Jessica Kinsgley Publishers and NetGalley for the opportunity to read and review an advance copy of this book!
December 27, 2008
This book was a quick read and a great insight into the world of Asperger's Syndrome. Since I currently have a student with AS in my classroom it was very helpful for me to get a look into what might be going on inside her head and strategies for working more effectively with her.
December 4, 2015
2.5 stars. I really wanted to love this book, but I didn't. It was kind of interesting to read Willey's experience growing up as an undiagnosed Aspie, but I never felt invested in her story - it all felt very distant. Reading this felt similar to how reading Temple Grandin feels to me - I always retain (or am kept at?) an academic distance. Cynthia Kim's Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate: A User Guide to an Asperger Life was much more my speed. YMMV.
June 18, 2018
First off, once again this is an older book that uses the term Asperger's throughout. The book was originally published in 1999, but a few more chapters were added and it was republished in 2014. (I read the updated version.)
Honestly I found it a little hard to get through. Unlike Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate, (which I reviewed here) it was pretty much entirely memoir, and didn't really speak to the reader as if trying to have a conversation at all. It just told Willey's story. Which is fine, it just wasn't what I was expecting after reading Nerdy. The appendices are the only place that have tips and tricks for dealing with the neurotypical world as an autistic person, but there wasn't really anything new or unique there.
I also just don't think I like her writing style as much as I did the writing style in Nerdy, but that's such a personal thing. It's hard to make a recommendation based on that. Autistic people vary so widely in where their strengths and weaknesses are that it's difficult to say which books will be useful to which people, in general.
So - it's worth reading for yet another viewpoint on being autistic, and there are several parts on parenting as an autistic woman, so autistic parents might get more use out of the book than I did, as a childless spouse of an autistic man. But I personally did not like it nearly as much as Nerdy or The Journal of Best Practices (Reviewed here).
You can find all my reviews at Goddess in the Stacks.
Honestly I found it a little hard to get through. Unlike Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate, (which I reviewed here) it was pretty much entirely memoir, and didn't really speak to the reader as if trying to have a conversation at all. It just told Willey's story. Which is fine, it just wasn't what I was expecting after reading Nerdy. The appendices are the only place that have tips and tricks for dealing with the neurotypical world as an autistic person, but there wasn't really anything new or unique there.
I also just don't think I like her writing style as much as I did the writing style in Nerdy, but that's such a personal thing. It's hard to make a recommendation based on that. Autistic people vary so widely in where their strengths and weaknesses are that it's difficult to say which books will be useful to which people, in general.
So - it's worth reading for yet another viewpoint on being autistic, and there are several parts on parenting as an autistic woman, so autistic parents might get more use out of the book than I did, as a childless spouse of an autistic man. But I personally did not like it nearly as much as Nerdy or The Journal of Best Practices (Reviewed here).
You can find all my reviews at Goddess in the Stacks.
May 13, 2010
Willey has Asperger’s syndrome, but never knew it until her daughter was diagnosed with it. She knew she was different from most people, and that some things were harder for her, but that was as far as it went. She was a high achiever in school, went through college and got her doctorate, married and had children. Asperger’s did not stop her, and now, knowing why she is different, her past makes sense to her. This is her story of what life is like with Asperger’s.
This is a very short book- shorter than any of the other books on living with Asperger’s that I’ve read- and because of this there is a lack of detail about how she felt growing up and how she dealt with the challenges of not being neurotypical. I almost had the feeling that she didn’t really feel that her Asperger’s was a big deal. She has a very supportive family, both by birth and by marriage, and a few good friends, and that helps a lot when dealing with any health challenge.
While her personal story is interesting, the heart of the book are the appendices, brief articles on how to make one’s life easier when one has Asperger’s. Included are good ways to explain to the people around you, how to decide which people to tell, specific suggestions for getting through college with the various problems that come along with Asperger’s, employment issues, keeping your home life in order, how to deal with sensory perception problems, and suggestions for the non-Asperger’s who care about someone on the spectrum. This section is a short but packed full of useful information like a jewel box of hints.
Recommended for anyone with Asperger’s and anyone with someone with it in their life.
This is a very short book- shorter than any of the other books on living with Asperger’s that I’ve read- and because of this there is a lack of detail about how she felt growing up and how she dealt with the challenges of not being neurotypical. I almost had the feeling that she didn’t really feel that her Asperger’s was a big deal. She has a very supportive family, both by birth and by marriage, and a few good friends, and that helps a lot when dealing with any health challenge.
While her personal story is interesting, the heart of the book are the appendices, brief articles on how to make one’s life easier when one has Asperger’s. Included are good ways to explain to the people around you, how to decide which people to tell, specific suggestions for getting through college with the various problems that come along with Asperger’s, employment issues, keeping your home life in order, how to deal with sensory perception problems, and suggestions for the non-Asperger’s who care about someone on the spectrum. This section is a short but packed full of useful information like a jewel box of hints.
Recommended for anyone with Asperger’s and anyone with someone with it in their life.
June 26, 2015
Brilliantly enlightening
This is an invaluable insight into the crass and unacceptable ways that people with autism can be treated and the difficulties in development that those with autism face. As a mother and wife to Aspergers individuals I crave to learn all I can so as to understand my husband and son. It is through knowledge that we can gain acceptance.
This is an invaluable insight into the crass and unacceptable ways that people with autism can be treated and the difficulties in development that those with autism face. As a mother and wife to Aspergers individuals I crave to learn all I can so as to understand my husband and son. It is through knowledge that we can gain acceptance.
August 7, 2011
This is a book about Asperger's syndrome penned by one suffering from it. However the author's Asperger's syndrome was not diagnosed (if it ever was) until one of her own children received this diagnosis.
What shall I say? The author is exceedingly articulate and expresses in detail whatever she wants to say. The book was a bit too intense for me (who apparently have many of the symptoms of AS as do practically all of the reviewers on this site.) She tells us about the problems she had in her childhood and later in life. She is apparently extremely extrovert and has difficulty in refraining from immediately blurting out her opinions, and indeed enjoys talking in front of a group. Though I have seen elsewhere that some AS sufferers have the opposite problem and talk very little. She doesn't mention this fact however, and I feel that one of the minuses of the book is that it is so subjective.
We are led to understand from the book that AS sufferers have difficulty in creating and keeping friends, and on the whole in cooperating with others. They generally do not feel a need to create strong relationships with others. They have difficulty with social relations as a whole, in knowing the "right" things to do and say. Loud noises ans sharp lights are found disturbing, this leading to a lack of desire to frequent public places or attend parties or events attracting a large number of people.
What I found remarkable was that the author did manage to create and retain some few good friends, who have been of indispensable help to her. I feel that she has been extremely blessed in this respect, taking her "handicap" into consideration. She has also found an understanding, compatible partner and given birth to three children.
She had difficulty in orienting herself, for example, finding her way about the university she attended or maneuvering shopping malls. She likes rules and like me, especially when I was younger, has difficulty in understanding or accepting that when people say they will do certain things in a certain time frame they don't do them.
This book has been an eye-opener for me, in that it has helped me to recognize my own Asperger characteristics and to show me that I am not alone with all this. I now better understand the perfectionistic side to my nature and why I hate spelling mistakes and the like. I also better understand my need to read everything in a book, preferably skipping nothing, though I did manage to skip a few of the appendices in this book which I didn't feel were relevant to me.
Some qualities of "Aspies" are that they are honest, direct ("say it like it is") and loyal friends if their friends can accept the fact that they are different and "hold out". "Aspies" don't necessarily lack empathy, I certainly don't, and they/we can be extremely helpful by nature.
I would diagnose Detective Monk in the popular TV-series as being an extreme example of an "Aspie" (though his OCD symptoms are those most generally recognizable). He often has difficulty in being empathic or recognizing the needs of others, but in the end he helps them anyway, even at the risk of his life. Of course he is a fictional character, but must have been modelled on some real-life person.
To sum up, this book is extremely useful for those of us who ourselves have AS characteristics, and for those who need help to understand us. Though it must be pointed out that all the characteristics of the author are not shared by all other "Aspies".
What shall I say? The author is exceedingly articulate and expresses in detail whatever she wants to say. The book was a bit too intense for me (who apparently have many of the symptoms of AS as do practically all of the reviewers on this site.) She tells us about the problems she had in her childhood and later in life. She is apparently extremely extrovert and has difficulty in refraining from immediately blurting out her opinions, and indeed enjoys talking in front of a group. Though I have seen elsewhere that some AS sufferers have the opposite problem and talk very little. She doesn't mention this fact however, and I feel that one of the minuses of the book is that it is so subjective.
We are led to understand from the book that AS sufferers have difficulty in creating and keeping friends, and on the whole in cooperating with others. They generally do not feel a need to create strong relationships with others. They have difficulty with social relations as a whole, in knowing the "right" things to do and say. Loud noises ans sharp lights are found disturbing, this leading to a lack of desire to frequent public places or attend parties or events attracting a large number of people.
What I found remarkable was that the author did manage to create and retain some few good friends, who have been of indispensable help to her. I feel that she has been extremely blessed in this respect, taking her "handicap" into consideration. She has also found an understanding, compatible partner and given birth to three children.
She had difficulty in orienting herself, for example, finding her way about the university she attended or maneuvering shopping malls. She likes rules and like me, especially when I was younger, has difficulty in understanding or accepting that when people say they will do certain things in a certain time frame they don't do them.
This book has been an eye-opener for me, in that it has helped me to recognize my own Asperger characteristics and to show me that I am not alone with all this. I now better understand the perfectionistic side to my nature and why I hate spelling mistakes and the like. I also better understand my need to read everything in a book, preferably skipping nothing, though I did manage to skip a few of the appendices in this book which I didn't feel were relevant to me.
Some qualities of "Aspies" are that they are honest, direct ("say it like it is") and loyal friends if their friends can accept the fact that they are different and "hold out". "Aspies" don't necessarily lack empathy, I certainly don't, and they/we can be extremely helpful by nature.
I would diagnose Detective Monk in the popular TV-series as being an extreme example of an "Aspie" (though his OCD symptoms are those most generally recognizable). He often has difficulty in being empathic or recognizing the needs of others, but in the end he helps them anyway, even at the risk of his life. Of course he is a fictional character, but must have been modelled on some real-life person.
To sum up, this book is extremely useful for those of us who ourselves have AS characteristics, and for those who need help to understand us. Though it must be pointed out that all the characteristics of the author are not shared by all other "Aspies".
June 13, 2022
As someone with Aspergers, I honestly thought this was quite a bleak read, but I'm having a hard time describing why without sounding nitpicky. It *is* harder existing in this world with Aspergers, but I felt like this book's description of it made it sound like a wholly bad thing. My brain is wired differently, but it's not wired inherently worse.
I also felt like the sections about relying completely on her husband and daughters felt more like they were saying "I am helpless on my own" rather than "it's okay to ask for and accept help from your loved ones and those around you".
And I know this is an old book, and the understanding of autism has changed a lot over the years, but I also didn't like how she referred to her Asperger's traits as "fading away" as an adult - that's not how Asperger's works at all. Our brains are wired differently, and that doesn't change. While it's true that it can be harder to compensate for sensory issues and problems with cognitive abilities in times of stress, that's not the same as saying that your Asperger traits are "fading" in times of less stress.
Overall, though, I think much of the reason I didn't like this book was because I didn't relate to the author's description of her Asperger's at all, which made the book's sweeping statements about "all Aspies" all the more grating.
I also felt like the sections about relying completely on her husband and daughters felt more like they were saying "I am helpless on my own" rather than "it's okay to ask for and accept help from your loved ones and those around you".
And I know this is an old book, and the understanding of autism has changed a lot over the years, but I also didn't like how she referred to her Asperger's traits as "fading away" as an adult - that's not how Asperger's works at all. Our brains are wired differently, and that doesn't change. While it's true that it can be harder to compensate for sensory issues and problems with cognitive abilities in times of stress, that's not the same as saying that your Asperger traits are "fading" in times of less stress.
Overall, though, I think much of the reason I didn't like this book was because I didn't relate to the author's description of her Asperger's at all, which made the book's sweeping statements about "all Aspies" all the more grating.
July 9, 2011
Good book. A bit of light reading with some interesting thoughts. The title was awesome: "Pretending to be Normal". Ahhh......seems like the perfect description of my life in general. LOL. Gosh, when I think back........When was I not pretending to be normal? LOL.
One favorite quote: "Too often those with AS get lost in a world of discouragement and damaged self-esteem, and in that world there are few avenues for happiness. I try, at every opportunity I am given, to show both my daughter and myself that so long as we are soundly willing, we can find a way to create good things for ourselves - no matter what."
Another favorite passage: "I want my girls to find reasons to enjoy all the people in their lives, even if it means they have to tap into every creative well in their soul, to do so. I want them to truly, way down deep in their hearts, know that all people..........are worthy, viable and exceptional beings who have much to give and even more to share. So long as my family knows who I am, I am rather content. As to others, well, their opinions tend to matter less and less to me. Nonetheless, I do try to help those who need to know me well, see that I simply move to my own music."
One favorite quote: "Too often those with AS get lost in a world of discouragement and damaged self-esteem, and in that world there are few avenues for happiness. I try, at every opportunity I am given, to show both my daughter and myself that so long as we are soundly willing, we can find a way to create good things for ourselves - no matter what."
Another favorite passage: "I want my girls to find reasons to enjoy all the people in their lives, even if it means they have to tap into every creative well in their soul, to do so. I want them to truly, way down deep in their hearts, know that all people..........are worthy, viable and exceptional beings who have much to give and even more to share. So long as my family knows who I am, I am rather content. As to others, well, their opinions tend to matter less and less to me. Nonetheless, I do try to help those who need to know me well, see that I simply move to my own music."
July 29, 2016
5 Stars
Another very good book. I thought I might have a hard time with it, spending some time getting used to her way of writing, but then I got further in and thoughts about my own life hit me.
Were Twirling Naked helped me toward acceptance, this book gave me the practical tools I'm going to use to make my days easier and the road a little less rocky. It has a nice help section in the end and some of her techniques I think will be very valuable to me too. I do wish I knew this when I was in school, but the principles are there for me to apply in every day life too.
Another very good book. I thought I might have a hard time with it, spending some time getting used to her way of writing, but then I got further in and thoughts about my own life hit me.
Were Twirling Naked helped me toward acceptance, this book gave me the practical tools I'm going to use to make my days easier and the road a little less rocky. It has a nice help section in the end and some of her techniques I think will be very valuable to me too. I do wish I knew this when I was in school, but the principles are there for me to apply in every day life too.
August 4, 2017
By giving this 4 stars, I am not trying to pretend that I really liked this book, but rather to express my respect for the effort and courage it took to write.
Certainly its heartening to know that actual progress has been made in identifying a broader and more realistic definition of normal, and that
it is sometimes possible for people identified as abnormal to be in fact normal as heck in their desires.
Certainly its heartening to know that actual progress has been made in identifying a broader and more realistic definition of normal, and that
it is sometimes possible for people identified as abnormal to be in fact normal as heck in their desires.
January 31, 2010
I found this book to be very interesting, though frustrating. Unless I missed it, Liane doesn't make it clear if she was actually disgnosed with Aspergers, or even if her daughter was, or whether they have self-diagnosed from their reading of the subject.
This doesn't help me be clear about what Aspergers is. An awful lot of Liane's descriptions of the problems that she suffers rang bells with me, either of problems I have, or that people close to me have. So where is the line drawn between neuro-typical and AS?
My problem is that I do not particularly believe that there is a line. I think if one in 100 people have Aspergers then Aspergers itself must be in the realms of normal, because most people can count more than 100 others in our circle of family, friends and acquaintances. I also think that instead of it being neuro-typical people over here, who can do x, y and z, and AS people over there, who cannot, it must be more like a scale, with people on the outer limits who were either definitely AS, or definityely NT, and everyone else filling in somewhere in the middle. People struggling with x or y, or/and z. I would guess from the books that I have been reading that I am closer to the AS side, at least in certain situations. In a lot of ways I am like Liane, though in some ways I am more AS (friendships seem to be easier for her) and in some areas less (I rarely get lost - if getting lost is an AS trait).
Reading this book has helped me see what might be AS traits, and I think that is a good thing. We should all accept ourselves as we are, but that is easier to say than do. This book might help me to do it!
This doesn't help me be clear about what Aspergers is. An awful lot of Liane's descriptions of the problems that she suffers rang bells with me, either of problems I have, or that people close to me have. So where is the line drawn between neuro-typical and AS?
My problem is that I do not particularly believe that there is a line. I think if one in 100 people have Aspergers then Aspergers itself must be in the realms of normal, because most people can count more than 100 others in our circle of family, friends and acquaintances. I also think that instead of it being neuro-typical people over here, who can do x, y and z, and AS people over there, who cannot, it must be more like a scale, with people on the outer limits who were either definitely AS, or definityely NT, and everyone else filling in somewhere in the middle. People struggling with x or y, or/and z. I would guess from the books that I have been reading that I am closer to the AS side, at least in certain situations. In a lot of ways I am like Liane, though in some ways I am more AS (friendships seem to be easier for her) and in some areas less (I rarely get lost - if getting lost is an AS trait).
Reading this book has helped me see what might be AS traits, and I think that is a good thing. We should all accept ourselves as we are, but that is easier to say than do. This book might help me to do it!
February 4, 2012
This book was written by a woman who was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome as an adult after her daughter was diagnosed with the same condition. It should be an essential on the reading list of someone who truly wants to understand Aspeger's Syndrome. It may be useful to read books written by psychologists and "experts" on the topic, but a study of the syndrome cannot be complete without looking at it through the eyes of a true expert--one who actually has Asperger's.
"Pretending to be Normal" is very compelling and reads like a novel. It illustrates first-hand experiences of what it is like to struggle with the various aspects associated with the autism spectrum, coping methods, and misunderstandings.
"Pretending to be Normal" is very compelling and reads like a novel. It illustrates first-hand experiences of what it is like to struggle with the various aspects associated with the autism spectrum, coping methods, and misunderstandings.
May 7, 2016
I have really mixed feelings about this book. I found the memoir aspects very enlightening, and identified with a lot of her quirks (often things which I had no idea were characteristics of autism/Asperger's). On the other hand, her advice, although presented as general, seemed quite particular to her specific struggles. Plus there's something about her use of the term "residual" that really rubs me the wrong way, as if she's claiming to celebrate her neurodivergence while still trying to get rid of it. Perhaps that's partly due to the bulk of the book being quite old... but then perhaps it should have been more thoroughly revised and not simply expanded. At any rate, much of it is still a potentially enlightening portrait of what it can be like to grow up and live with different wiring.
November 29, 2017
Amazing..because..I recognized so many people in this book. People everywhere..I am recommending this book to EVERYONE..especially to those that 'have gifted' children!! Not always is that an easy thing to be labelled with.... To many people..'gifted' means that that child 'has it easy'..'oh so smart'..and then..'why is that kid acting out..he/she is so smart'!! What does that mean anyways??
I had so many pages marked off..and had to stop myself from reading this line, this paragraph, this example..out loud to anyone that was sitting by me.
Before I go on and on..just read this book..everyone..please.
I had so many pages marked off..and had to stop myself from reading this line, this paragraph, this example..out loud to anyone that was sitting by me.
Before I go on and on..just read this book..everyone..please.
March 3, 2008
This book was a fast and good read. It gave me an insight into how a person with Asperger's Syndrome really sees the world and deals with situations around them. Even though there is criticism of the author writing a book so far from when the events happened I believe she explained the events well and even if she didn't remember the exact events to a T, she still never forgot how she felt at the time the events happened and how she dealt with them. I think the author does a great job explaining her feelings. I recommend this book to anyone that wants to read about Asperger's Syndrome.
January 3, 2021
I'm sure this is just a product of it's time, and time in the disability activism world a=is changing fast... but I HATED this book. As an autistic adult myself it felt like a heap of internalised ableism and I couldn't get past the first few chapters. Sorry :(
April 1, 2016
An interesting read in the life of someone with ASD.
November 24, 2021
Pretty outdated
March 17, 2021
Mostly autobiographical with a few hints and tips in appendices. This is supposed to be a classic text for Aspergers/autism spectrum disorder in women. I found there was much I could relate to, and it was interesting to read, nevertheless the picture it painted was mainly one of impairment (on a scale much more severe than anything I have experienced) with little about the positive aspects of the condition.
April 23, 2019
It seems rare to find a book about Asperger's Syndrome in adults, but this one is one of the rares and it is a good one, it is very informative specially for those who were diagnosed recently, it's nice to know you are not the only "strange", there's a lot like you out there. It's very pleasant to discover more about yourself and in the experiences in this book you will find see yourselves in the stories.
April 11, 2022
An educational and easy-to-digest book on a woman's life as a special and gifted child up until getting diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome in her adulthood. It felt very honest and made me evaluate ways to hopefully create a more accessible environment to those who have a different experience due to their unique development condition.
October 14, 2023
I short, concise book on Aspergers, particularly as it affects many women. Lots of great practical advice, too.
September 24, 2019
If you are looking for Asperger's bios to read, as I currently am and as is probabaly (I speculate) quite the trend amongst the wave of mid-life females that are starting to wake up to their own undiagnosed Asperger's, then this book will certainly cross your path. I've noticed how health professionals concerned with Asperger's often make reference to it. It was certainly one of the earliest I added to my own "to read" list when I gleaned that first incling that I was one of a whole generation of undiagnosed females who had spent their entire lives to-date exhausting and bewildering themselves to fake normalcy in a nuerotypcial world. I was just about to read it at last when I watched a contemporary movie about a young man with Asperger's and there it was again; a virtual advert for the book in the scene when the young woman wanting to get to know her good-looking Asperger's neighbour seeks advice about what Asperger's is and is directed to this book.
So, yes, certainly, I would say this is a "must-read" along the path of self-exploration. Yet again (as in the case of a number of female Asperger's writers), I found hugely relatable passages in LHW's account of her pre-diagnosed life, not least her experiences through school and university. I have underlined almost as much as in some other recently completed books and intend to go through all my notes for a review once I've completed some other reading as this book has certainy helped to direct my enquiries and, as ever, offered the sense of spending time with a relatable compatriot for the few days it took for me to complete it. I did enjoy the journey through her experiences!
The one thing I would add, however (and the missing star from my review), is that I am glad this was not the first book I picked up on the topic and here's the reason why. The first couple of books I read on this female adult asperger's topic left me feeling like I was air punching whilst shouting "ra ra ra" and doing a happy jig at just how good they made me feel about claiming and reinterpreting these traits to which I had newly found the key...and this is just so important. My entire stance on Asperger's, even before reading other peoples' accounts, is that it is a collection of gifts, not a measure of brokeness and these books only encouraged me along, which was what I wanted (even needed) from them.
I was aware that Pretending to be Normal was a breakthrough book, published in the 1990s and so I was prepared for that context to have an impact on its tone since attitudes to Asperger's have evolved quite a lot since that time. I should qualify, they have evolved amongst those who have it whereas, in the establishment world of psycho-bable, they have only regressed to the point that "Asperger's" as its own definition has been abolished and is no longer a recognised medical term!
I also noted that LHW had updated this edition and so I was hopeful that the addition of an update would refect the more positive stance I like to think is now shared amongst the growing number of women who own, even flaunt, their Apserger's traits. Instead, I found a rather jaded add-on in which LHW feels things have not greatly improved, although she has changed her stance from advising that we continue to pretend normalcy to where she now recommends being open about our Asperger's to anyone with whom we have more than a passing relationship (she does provide some very useful guidelines on how to handle this, in different contexts from family to school and work etc, at the back of the book). This is an opinion that I share and I am so glad she updated her conclusion to state this since the very title "Pretending to be Normal" rattles me in that context. Surely, the very moment of diagnosis is the moment when you cease to have to pretend any longer?
That said, I still found the overall conclusion a little dour and with little sense of "what next" to offer me as someone wanting to embrace this aspect of myself in a more dynamic way. For me, it is not quite enough to hide muself away and live life quietly and inoffensively on my terms; I want to contribute to the great big pot of positivity around Asperger's and this is something I hope to bring to my own book in the making, having noticed how its absence left me feeling rather flat in this one.
I would still urge you to read this book....read it, take from it what is useful and relatable but then, for heavens sake, don't make that the end of your journey but dive into as many other books by adult women Asperger's writers as you can, especially those who realised later on in their lives since (if you are anything like me) you will find bits and pieces of yourself in every story. I did find myself in this one for sure, but I choose to take my own ending a few yards further towards the positive.
So, yes, certainly, I would say this is a "must-read" along the path of self-exploration. Yet again (as in the case of a number of female Asperger's writers), I found hugely relatable passages in LHW's account of her pre-diagnosed life, not least her experiences through school and university. I have underlined almost as much as in some other recently completed books and intend to go through all my notes for a review once I've completed some other reading as this book has certainy helped to direct my enquiries and, as ever, offered the sense of spending time with a relatable compatriot for the few days it took for me to complete it. I did enjoy the journey through her experiences!
The one thing I would add, however (and the missing star from my review), is that I am glad this was not the first book I picked up on the topic and here's the reason why. The first couple of books I read on this female adult asperger's topic left me feeling like I was air punching whilst shouting "ra ra ra" and doing a happy jig at just how good they made me feel about claiming and reinterpreting these traits to which I had newly found the key...and this is just so important. My entire stance on Asperger's, even before reading other peoples' accounts, is that it is a collection of gifts, not a measure of brokeness and these books only encouraged me along, which was what I wanted (even needed) from them.
I was aware that Pretending to be Normal was a breakthrough book, published in the 1990s and so I was prepared for that context to have an impact on its tone since attitudes to Asperger's have evolved quite a lot since that time. I should qualify, they have evolved amongst those who have it whereas, in the establishment world of psycho-bable, they have only regressed to the point that "Asperger's" as its own definition has been abolished and is no longer a recognised medical term!
I also noted that LHW had updated this edition and so I was hopeful that the addition of an update would refect the more positive stance I like to think is now shared amongst the growing number of women who own, even flaunt, their Apserger's traits. Instead, I found a rather jaded add-on in which LHW feels things have not greatly improved, although she has changed her stance from advising that we continue to pretend normalcy to where she now recommends being open about our Asperger's to anyone with whom we have more than a passing relationship (she does provide some very useful guidelines on how to handle this, in different contexts from family to school and work etc, at the back of the book). This is an opinion that I share and I am so glad she updated her conclusion to state this since the very title "Pretending to be Normal" rattles me in that context. Surely, the very moment of diagnosis is the moment when you cease to have to pretend any longer?
That said, I still found the overall conclusion a little dour and with little sense of "what next" to offer me as someone wanting to embrace this aspect of myself in a more dynamic way. For me, it is not quite enough to hide muself away and live life quietly and inoffensively on my terms; I want to contribute to the great big pot of positivity around Asperger's and this is something I hope to bring to my own book in the making, having noticed how its absence left me feeling rather flat in this one.
I would still urge you to read this book....read it, take from it what is useful and relatable but then, for heavens sake, don't make that the end of your journey but dive into as many other books by adult women Asperger's writers as you can, especially those who realised later on in their lives since (if you are anything like me) you will find bits and pieces of yourself in every story. I did find myself in this one for sure, but I choose to take my own ending a few yards further towards the positive.
July 7, 2015
'Pretending To Be Normal' by is a non-fiction memoir that shows Liane Holliday-Willey's life growing up as a person with Asperger Syndrome. As I have recently completed a course in Asperger Syndrome, I wanted to read this book to get more of a feel of what it is like to experience it from someone with the condition themselves.
I was a bit apprehensive at first, as I had seen several bad reviews stating that it was not a good representation as she didn't have any obstacles to overcome. I have come to the conclusion that the people writing these reviews did not actually read the book.
I thought the book was well-written, incredibly informative and gave a real feel for life with Asperger Syndrome. Liane covered many different aspects of the condition, from home and school life, to getting a job, finding a partner and having a family of her own. She gave a very in-depth view of how her life has differed, both positively and negatively, and I can assure you that she has definitely encountered many struggles because of her Asperger Syndrome. It was inspiring to read, because she showed that it is possible for someone to learn the world around them and improve their social skills to a point where they can live an almost-typical life with a job and a family - something that I think a lot of people assume just can't happen.
I think everyone should read this book. It is insightful and helpful, and really educates the reader about Asperger Syndrome. As always, it's often not the individual person that is the issue but the neurotypical masses, and so if everyone were to pick up this book then perhaps the world would be an easier place for everyone.
I was a bit apprehensive at first, as I had seen several bad reviews stating that it was not a good representation as she didn't have any obstacles to overcome. I have come to the conclusion that the people writing these reviews did not actually read the book.
I thought the book was well-written, incredibly informative and gave a real feel for life with Asperger Syndrome. Liane covered many different aspects of the condition, from home and school life, to getting a job, finding a partner and having a family of her own. She gave a very in-depth view of how her life has differed, both positively and negatively, and I can assure you that she has definitely encountered many struggles because of her Asperger Syndrome. It was inspiring to read, because she showed that it is possible for someone to learn the world around them and improve their social skills to a point where they can live an almost-typical life with a job and a family - something that I think a lot of people assume just can't happen.
I think everyone should read this book. It is insightful and helpful, and really educates the reader about Asperger Syndrome. As always, it's often not the individual person that is the issue but the neurotypical masses, and so if everyone were to pick up this book then perhaps the world would be an easier place for everyone.
January 20, 2020
I enjoyed reading this view of an Asperger woman's life, and seeing a glimpse into the unique and challenging life she led. You really felt for her! (Yes, I know this term is obsolete with the DSM-V, but honestly everyone recognizes the term more than if I would say "Autism Spectrum Disorder Level 1").
However, as I read, I realized that it really was just one person's story and view of Aspergers. Just because Willey is on the spectrum does not mean that everyone on the spectrum will present in the same way. She seems to be quite extroverted, and therefore some of her ideas of what Aspie would do are different from what an introverted Aspie would do. Things that bothered her wouldn't bother some, and things that she could tolerate would be huge obstacles to others. So, for those NTs that decide to read this book, it is a good glimpse into *one* life...but just one. Tony Attwood is better at giving an all around picture of what different cases might look like.
Read more books. And, if you know someone with Asperger's and she is open about her diagnosis, ask her what her life experience has been, and person by person you might slowly start to understand.
However, as I read, I realized that it really was just one person's story and view of Aspergers. Just because Willey is on the spectrum does not mean that everyone on the spectrum will present in the same way. She seems to be quite extroverted, and therefore some of her ideas of what Aspie would do are different from what an introverted Aspie would do. Things that bothered her wouldn't bother some, and things that she could tolerate would be huge obstacles to others. So, for those NTs that decide to read this book, it is a good glimpse into *one* life...but just one. Tony Attwood is better at giving an all around picture of what different cases might look like.
Read more books. And, if you know someone with Asperger's and she is open about her diagnosis, ask her what her life experience has been, and person by person you might slowly start to understand.
October 15, 2015
As a Mom of a child with Asperger's Syndrome I read just about anything I can get my hands on so when I saw this available to borrow for free from Netgalley for an honest review, well, I borrowed it and read it. It wasn't far into this that I thought, wow, this must be depressing for those who are having difficulty managing their Autism. I'm guessing it was supposed to be inspirational, but it just felt like she's telling those they can do anything and that's not really true. The author makes everything sound easy, as though managing Autism is simple. Here's the issue, different people are different. Many things can affect how those who have Autism function - the degree of Autism they have, other medical issues, family, socioeconomic circumstances, the resources and supports available, personality, temperament, life circumstances, etc. So one person telling all others with Autism it's easy just seems over-simplistic, frightening, and possibly condescending. While interesting, I just don't know if it's helpful.
November 10, 2025
Not only is this book outdated, but it’s also harmful. This woman is an Aspie Supremacist, which does not bode well for higher support needs people. She preached through the whole thing that you can grow out of your Asperger’s (which isn’t even a diagnosis anymore, it’s all just autism), or that your traits can go away. That is harmful rhetoric. Autism is a lifelong disability that will always affect you. She preached it was just a difference, a superpower, which again, is harmful for those that actually struggle with it. Lawmakers need to see autism as a disability for us to be able to qualify for help that we very much need, and that would not happen if autism was just a “difference”. The writing was also stilted, awkward, and hard to read. Ok rant over 😅.
December 21, 2015
The beginning was interesting as I could relate to some of the struggles. I somewhat lost my interest in the very end, which was mostly about her family, as I couldn't relate and there weren't enough details about her daughter (to whom I could have related.)
It was still interesting in itself, though.
After the end, and an epilogue sharing the thoughts of the author some years after the initial publication of the book, there are some useful additional chapters with tips for autistic people. I have only read parts of those, but they are really useful; simply some tips implies the people you meet will be open-minded and respectful of your agency over your body (why is it so hard for neurotypicals to not treat people as objects they are entitled to touch to prove a point?), but most of them will be useful. Although there are other books sharing similar tips in a less succinct manner.
I look forward to reading the tips on studying; I'm happy of this purchase.
It was still interesting in itself, though.
After the end, and an epilogue sharing the thoughts of the author some years after the initial publication of the book, there are some useful additional chapters with tips for autistic people. I have only read parts of those, but they are really useful; simply some tips implies the people you meet will be open-minded and respectful of your agency over your body (why is it so hard for neurotypicals to not treat people as objects they are entitled to touch to prove a point?), but most of them will be useful. Although there are other books sharing similar tips in a less succinct manner.
I look forward to reading the tips on studying; I'm happy of this purchase.
July 30, 2008
Liane is a family friend and a great crusader for children and families with emotional disabilities. Her heart-rending account of what it was like to grow up with Asperger's Syndrome is a must read for any family who deals with with a family member who's been diagnosed with this form of high functioning Autism.
Liane allows the reader to walk a mile in her shoes and it's most enlightening and prepares you to be more sympathetic and empathetic for those that suffer with this syndrome. Parts of her story made me ache and weep for her and how much people are misunderstood when they are different.
Of course, Liane is not only an Aspie, but she's also a PhD so she fills her story with tips for coping for family members and those that are Aspies.
Liane allows the reader to walk a mile in her shoes and it's most enlightening and prepares you to be more sympathetic and empathetic for those that suffer with this syndrome. Parts of her story made me ache and weep for her and how much people are misunderstood when they are different.
Of course, Liane is not only an Aspie, but she's also a PhD so she fills her story with tips for coping for family members and those that are Aspies.
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