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Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy
A provocative, trauma-informed guide to post-monogamy—how to build liberated relationships rooted in empowerment, equity, and authenticity
With practical somatic exercises, reflection prompts and a relational toolkit—also includes a glossary of polyamory, non-monogamy, and alternative relationship terms
This book is for polyamorists who want to practice their non-monogamy with more feminism, more queerness, and more community building. It’s for monogamists who don’t want to do relationships on autopilot. It’s for everyone who dearly believes a better way to love and live exists. It’s for change makers who aspire to re-wild the ways we love.
An empowering guide to imagining (and living) better relationships, Radical Relating pushes back on the monogamy mandate. Author, somatic educator, and relationship coach Mel Cassidy explodes the often-unquestioned mainstream myths about the nuclear family those that tell us your soulmate must be your sole mate. That sex is the only yardstick of relational success. That self-sacrifice and self-denial are necessary trade-offs for security and partnership. That we need to ride the relationship escalator all the way up, or we’ll die alone.
In four sections, Cassidy explains the why, what, how, and where of the Radical Relating model.
Lay out clear-eyed analysis about why monogamy isn’t working and explain the harms of unquestioned internalized mono-normativity Offer Reflective Journaling prompts, Somatic Pauses, and practical wisdom for assembling your Relational Toolkit Explain the trauma-informed pillars of Radical Relating: Orientation, Resilience, Resolution, and Engagement Help you reorient to a new map for relating that’s queer, anarchist, and somatically integrated Help you build skills to understand and navigate your relationship landscape Explore the intersections of monogamy, colonialism, patriarchy, and capitalism and illuminate how monogamous relationship structures emerged with one goal in to consolidate capital Most books on non-monogamy focus on top-level logistics and play into beliefs that can inadvertently replicate oppressive structures. Radical Relating is it speaks to readers who want not only to open up their relationships or expand their sexual experiences, but claim a new and liberating ways to relate to each other, fulfill our authentic needs, and build true communities of care beyond monogamy.
With practical somatic exercises, reflection prompts and a relational toolkit—also includes a glossary of polyamory, non-monogamy, and alternative relationship terms
This book is for polyamorists who want to practice their non-monogamy with more feminism, more queerness, and more community building. It’s for monogamists who don’t want to do relationships on autopilot. It’s for everyone who dearly believes a better way to love and live exists. It’s for change makers who aspire to re-wild the ways we love.
An empowering guide to imagining (and living) better relationships, Radical Relating pushes back on the monogamy mandate. Author, somatic educator, and relationship coach Mel Cassidy explodes the often-unquestioned mainstream myths about the nuclear family those that tell us your soulmate must be your sole mate. That sex is the only yardstick of relational success. That self-sacrifice and self-denial are necessary trade-offs for security and partnership. That we need to ride the relationship escalator all the way up, or we’ll die alone.
In four sections, Cassidy explains the why, what, how, and where of the Radical Relating model.
Lay out clear-eyed analysis about why monogamy isn’t working and explain the harms of unquestioned internalized mono-normativity Offer Reflective Journaling prompts, Somatic Pauses, and practical wisdom for assembling your Relational Toolkit Explain the trauma-informed pillars of Radical Relating: Orientation, Resilience, Resolution, and Engagement Help you reorient to a new map for relating that’s queer, anarchist, and somatically integrated Help you build skills to understand and navigate your relationship landscape Explore the intersections of monogamy, colonialism, patriarchy, and capitalism and illuminate how monogamous relationship structures emerged with one goal in to consolidate capital Most books on non-monogamy focus on top-level logistics and play into beliefs that can inadvertently replicate oppressive structures. Radical Relating is it speaks to readers who want not only to open up their relationships or expand their sexual experiences, but claim a new and liberating ways to relate to each other, fulfill our authentic needs, and build true communities of care beyond monogamy.
320 pages, Paperback
Published September 16, 2025
About the author
Mel Cassidy
1 book18 followersMel Cassidy is a somatic relationship coach committed to the path of liberatory love and rewilding intimacy. They specialize in working with queer and questioning humans (and those who love them) exploring post-monogamous relationships—with a focus on polyamory, solo polyamory, and relationship anarchy.
They are of Irish, Greek, and Khorakhane Romani descent and have lived in 3 countries, across 3 continents. They currently live in British Columbia, Canada, and work with clients and students around the world.
They are of Irish, Greek, and Khorakhane Romani descent and have lived in 3 countries, across 3 continents. They currently live in British Columbia, Canada, and work with clients and students around the world.
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Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews
November 28, 2025
You can tell a lot of planning and thought went into this book. It's the most accessible and extensive book on polyamory I've read, drawing from trauma-sensitive somatic and polyvagal therapy, couples counselling, nonviolent communication, anarchoqueer and feminist principles of free love coupled with accountability. As someone who's gone through the fires of trauma, dissociation, and emotional dysregulation unto reactive paranoia, avoidance, suicidality, and explosive rage, these are the kinds of book that begin the journey to healing, leading readers to alternative paths more conducive to living. Tracing anger to terror to vulnerability, disrupting the shame/blame cycle associated with vulnerability and a blocked expression of needs, rebuilding trust in oneself and the other so that such needs can be communicated, and collaboratively working together to reach an outcome driven by empathy and shared goals rather than insecurity and ultimatums.
Embodied safety is a recurring motif throughout the book. A feeling of security and connection to one's body in relation to self-knowledge, validation, communication, and consent. I really appreciated this angle, because it connected insights from attachment to somatics to mindfulness. Anxiety isn't simply racing thoughts, but the calamity of a nervous system thrown into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Jealousy isn't merely driven by a cognitive distortion from the past, but a breakdown in communication that results in narcissistic self-withdrawal or borderline rage and blame. We learn our triggers by learning our bodies. A form of somatic comprehension, from the way we hold our bodies (still, fidgety, withdrawn, relaxed), to the way our emotions appear as heat, constriction/expansion, pain, colour, rhythmic movements at various bodily sites. To pause is to stall reactivity so that we may trace the reactions of an action pathway conditioned by trauma. It's a Buddhist sensibility reframed through emotion psychology that works to deepen desire, rather than rid us of it.
There's also a lot of practical info on polyamory, from setting relationship boundaries to resolving conflicts with one's partners and metamours. These sections draw heavily on nonviolent communication, which orients around needs. Mel draws out the parallels between nonviolent communication and anarchy. They argue that monogamy is founded on control of one's partner based in expectations grounded in white supremacy. The need to appear successful in a cisheternormative world (married, with children, in a career pathway, towards property ownership) obfuscates genuine communication and collaboration, due to the fear of social ostracisation. While there's nothing wrong with jealousy (it's a healthy indicator of how much you value your partner), white supremacist notions of fidelity manifest possessive jealousy—that gender gatekeeping bullshit whereby any relation your partner has with the opposite sex is seen as suspicious or traitorous. Implicit or explicit rules develop under such conditions, which are used to control people's behaviours. Genuine needs aren't expressed, distressing emotions aren't processed, reactive actions take hold (passive aggressive behaviour, guilt-tripping, accusations, brooding, dismissiveness), and relationships don't develop beyond surface signs of success.
Mel's argument about white supremacy and monogamy is convincing, but as the book progressed I felt frustrated with their constant references to it. Anything connected to enforced monogamy, perfectionism (appearing successful), possessive jealousy, middleclass propriety (avoidance of conflict), and so on, were explained as a result of white supremacy. I was raised by Chinese parents, and I felt all these pressures growing up. My mother was obsessed with me finding a wife, buying a house, and having children. My dad pressured me into career paths associated with economic success. At home they would get into screaming matches, but in public pretend we were a happy family. I was sent to therapy for a decade, while my parents did fucking nothing to address their problems. They were the pinnacle of Mel's definition of monogamy, but I'm pretty damn sure it had nothing to do with white supremacy, because these attitudes have existed in China for hundreds—if not thousands—of years. A mixture of saving face, confuscian paternalism, and lowerclass trauma. By making white supremacy the primary cause of monogamy, Mel inadvertently deploys the noble savage trope, making other cultures seem more emancipatory than they are. I have Asian friends who can attest that our countries of origin are just as bad—if not worse—than white supremacist America. Countries where women and afabs are property to be married off, so they're no longer a drain on the family. Countries with deep histories of fascism and race purges, caste and class violence, religious authoritarianism, and elite male paternalism.
I think Mel is a great relationship counsellor, but an irresponsible scholar. They've done amazing work untangling themselves from white supremacist systems of control, but they've also universalised their experience of white supremacy and monogamy (a universalising tendency I see in a lot Americentric literature). The kinds of control mechanisms Mel sees in monogamy can result from any unequal society organised along hierarchical lines, whereby status is achieved through conformity. Conformity to the one true path doesn't just lead to excruciating relationships—it is a tool of class warfare, whether along lines of wealth, race, gender, or capacity. In an unequal society, conformity reproduces inequality. Rather than default to white supremacy, I wish Mel dived deeper into anarchy as an analytic tool, as well as a community-building tool. Something to trace one's trauma back to its cultural roots, rather than to hegemonic answers provided by authoritative experts.
This is a warm and approachable guide to polyamory, but I wish it were more sensitive to experiences outside of America, and more radical in its analysis of monogamy.
Embodied safety is a recurring motif throughout the book. A feeling of security and connection to one's body in relation to self-knowledge, validation, communication, and consent. I really appreciated this angle, because it connected insights from attachment to somatics to mindfulness. Anxiety isn't simply racing thoughts, but the calamity of a nervous system thrown into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Jealousy isn't merely driven by a cognitive distortion from the past, but a breakdown in communication that results in narcissistic self-withdrawal or borderline rage and blame. We learn our triggers by learning our bodies. A form of somatic comprehension, from the way we hold our bodies (still, fidgety, withdrawn, relaxed), to the way our emotions appear as heat, constriction/expansion, pain, colour, rhythmic movements at various bodily sites. To pause is to stall reactivity so that we may trace the reactions of an action pathway conditioned by trauma. It's a Buddhist sensibility reframed through emotion psychology that works to deepen desire, rather than rid us of it.
There's also a lot of practical info on polyamory, from setting relationship boundaries to resolving conflicts with one's partners and metamours. These sections draw heavily on nonviolent communication, which orients around needs. Mel draws out the parallels between nonviolent communication and anarchy. They argue that monogamy is founded on control of one's partner based in expectations grounded in white supremacy. The need to appear successful in a cisheternormative world (married, with children, in a career pathway, towards property ownership) obfuscates genuine communication and collaboration, due to the fear of social ostracisation. While there's nothing wrong with jealousy (it's a healthy indicator of how much you value your partner), white supremacist notions of fidelity manifest possessive jealousy—that gender gatekeeping bullshit whereby any relation your partner has with the opposite sex is seen as suspicious or traitorous. Implicit or explicit rules develop under such conditions, which are used to control people's behaviours. Genuine needs aren't expressed, distressing emotions aren't processed, reactive actions take hold (passive aggressive behaviour, guilt-tripping, accusations, brooding, dismissiveness), and relationships don't develop beyond surface signs of success.
Mel's argument about white supremacy and monogamy is convincing, but as the book progressed I felt frustrated with their constant references to it. Anything connected to enforced monogamy, perfectionism (appearing successful), possessive jealousy, middleclass propriety (avoidance of conflict), and so on, were explained as a result of white supremacy. I was raised by Chinese parents, and I felt all these pressures growing up. My mother was obsessed with me finding a wife, buying a house, and having children. My dad pressured me into career paths associated with economic success. At home they would get into screaming matches, but in public pretend we were a happy family. I was sent to therapy for a decade, while my parents did fucking nothing to address their problems. They were the pinnacle of Mel's definition of monogamy, but I'm pretty damn sure it had nothing to do with white supremacy, because these attitudes have existed in China for hundreds—if not thousands—of years. A mixture of saving face, confuscian paternalism, and lowerclass trauma. By making white supremacy the primary cause of monogamy, Mel inadvertently deploys the noble savage trope, making other cultures seem more emancipatory than they are. I have Asian friends who can attest that our countries of origin are just as bad—if not worse—than white supremacist America. Countries where women and afabs are property to be married off, so they're no longer a drain on the family. Countries with deep histories of fascism and race purges, caste and class violence, religious authoritarianism, and elite male paternalism.
I think Mel is a great relationship counsellor, but an irresponsible scholar. They've done amazing work untangling themselves from white supremacist systems of control, but they've also universalised their experience of white supremacy and monogamy (a universalising tendency I see in a lot Americentric literature). The kinds of control mechanisms Mel sees in monogamy can result from any unequal society organised along hierarchical lines, whereby status is achieved through conformity. Conformity to the one true path doesn't just lead to excruciating relationships—it is a tool of class warfare, whether along lines of wealth, race, gender, or capacity. In an unequal society, conformity reproduces inequality. Rather than default to white supremacy, I wish Mel dived deeper into anarchy as an analytic tool, as well as a community-building tool. Something to trace one's trauma back to its cultural roots, rather than to hegemonic answers provided by authoritative experts.
This is a warm and approachable guide to polyamory, but I wish it were more sensitive to experiences outside of America, and more radical in its analysis of monogamy.
October 5, 2025
This was "Love in a F*cked up world" meets "Polysecure." I think it is a great book for teaching the basics of polyamory while also encouraging less partner-focused practice and more community building in abolitionist principles. Unlike Love in a F*cked up world there wasn't as much focus on the romance myth but rather our monogamy-centric culture. A lot of it was review for me personally - though I did really like the 4 quadrants on needs that your community meets, that was extremely useful for me. I also really enjoyed some of the reflection questions, and the somatic exercises. I wish all nonfiction books had somatic exercises, moments to just check in with your body as you're processing new and sometimes difficult material.
A few critiques - first, the author doesn't acknowledge their privileges as much. They do talk a bit about their own experiences and identities but I always appreciate when an author recognizes that they are navigating ENM space / relationships with privilege, especially as a white person. I did appreciate that this book did highlight many Black feminist and indigenous practices, including historical non monogamous practices. But again, even though there is a history of non monogamous practice, it wasn't always ethical and sometimes contained many power dynamics that were oppressive within the relationships.
I appreciate that it was written accessibly but I do wonder if it's at the cost of being a bit vague at times. The author speaks a lot about having compassion, empathy, etc and I wonder if that is something useful to other people, whereas I find it more useful to focus on concrete practices (which the book does still name).
Still glad I read the book because I did get one helpful concept out of it as I named before, and it at least confirmed some of the things I already knew and continued to give me more language around it. Not a particularly mind-blowing book but an affirming read :)
A few critiques - first, the author doesn't acknowledge their privileges as much. They do talk a bit about their own experiences and identities but I always appreciate when an author recognizes that they are navigating ENM space / relationships with privilege, especially as a white person. I did appreciate that this book did highlight many Black feminist and indigenous practices, including historical non monogamous practices. But again, even though there is a history of non monogamous practice, it wasn't always ethical and sometimes contained many power dynamics that were oppressive within the relationships.
I appreciate that it was written accessibly but I do wonder if it's at the cost of being a bit vague at times. The author speaks a lot about having compassion, empathy, etc and I wonder if that is something useful to other people, whereas I find it more useful to focus on concrete practices (which the book does still name).
Still glad I read the book because I did get one helpful concept out of it as I named before, and it at least confirmed some of the things I already knew and continued to give me more language around it. Not a particularly mind-blowing book but an affirming read :)
September 18, 2025
Excellent. This book is accessible, but doesn't shy away from more complex concepts. It has a strong representation of the full spectrum of polyam relationships and provides excellent advice and recommendations throughout for activities and journaling activities. I dislike somatic therapy in general so I didn't vibe with a good chunk, but that's solely my preference.
The chapter on compersion is easily one of the best I've seen. The separation of intellectual compersion from emotional compersion and erotic compersion was a helpful separation for me. I had really only considered emotional compersion when using the term. I also love the quadrants of intimacy and the focus the author places on platonic relationships throughout.
While this is unlikely to be the first book I recommend to folks on the topic, I will definitely be recommending it to others.
The chapter on compersion is easily one of the best I've seen. The separation of intellectual compersion from emotional compersion and erotic compersion was a helpful separation for me. I had really only considered emotional compersion when using the term. I also love the quadrants of intimacy and the focus the author places on platonic relationships throughout.
While this is unlikely to be the first book I recommend to folks on the topic, I will definitely be recommending it to others.
October 16, 2025
Radical Relating has been added to a list of books I highly recommend for non monogamy/polyamory. Mel Cassidy doesn’t just touch on deeper topics, but REALLY gets far in there. I’m truly not a big reader and it can take me a while to get through books even that I’m enjoying — but I can honestly say that I didn’t want to put this book down.
I’m very fond of Cassidy’s work overall and was excited for this to be released. The somatic pauses and journaling prompts throughout were a lovely touch and I could feel the calmness while reading.
Much of this book goes well beyond Polyamory 101 level. Breaking free of mono-normativity and incorporating anarchy along with queerness are topics that could benefit all and not only those interested in or already practicing non monogamy. I feel Cassidy’s book should be on all polyamory must read lists.
Tell a friend!
I’m very fond of Cassidy’s work overall and was excited for this to be released. The somatic pauses and journaling prompts throughout were a lovely touch and I could feel the calmness while reading.
Much of this book goes well beyond Polyamory 101 level. Breaking free of mono-normativity and incorporating anarchy along with queerness are topics that could benefit all and not only those interested in or already practicing non monogamy. I feel Cassidy’s book should be on all polyamory must read lists.
Tell a friend!
July 31, 2026
Radical and transformative in that provided so much language and structure to make a feeling something that could be turned into actions that meaningfully change the way I maintain my relationships. Wish it had more empirical examples and narrative, and a little heavy with leftist criticism of the oppressive , modern West vs the ancient, druidic indigenous and East, but good stuff
February 20, 2026
Loved this book. So many great questions to figure out how you want relationships to look like for you. Probably my new go to book for newly non-monogamous people
November 24, 2025
One of the better books on nonmonogamy I’ve read. It takes a different cultural approach as compared to psychological (Polysecure) or lived experience (Open).
August 2, 2025
Book Review: Radical Relating: A Queer and Polyamory-Informed Guide to Love Beyond the Myth of Monogamy by Mel Cassidy
Rating: 4.9/5
A Revolutionary Blueprint for Post-Monogamous Love
Mel Cassidy’s Radical Relating is a seismic shift in relationship literature—a trauma-informed, somatically grounded manifesto that dismantles the “monogamy mandate” while offering tangible tools for building liberated connections. Unlike conventional polyamory guides focused on logistics, Cassidy interrogates how capitalism, colonialism, and patriarchy infect even alternative relationships, urging readers to “re-wild the ways we love” through queer and anarchist frameworks.
As someone aware of both monogamous and non-monogamous dynamics, I was struck by Cassidy’s unflinching analysis of how “internalized mono-normativity” breeds relational trauma, particularly their somatic exercises for tracking bodily responses to jealousy or insecurity. The Relational Ecology Mapping exercise (a standout tool) helped me visualize relationship connections as a living ecosystem rather than a hierarchy, sparking profound self-awareness.
Cassidy’s prose balances academic rigor with radical tenderness. Their critique of the relationship escalator (the assumption that partnerships must progress toward cohabitation/marriage) resonated deeply, as did their call to center “communities of care” over dyadic coupling. The glossary of polyamory terms—from compersion to relationship anarchy—is invaluable for newcomers and seasoned practitioners alike.
Constructive Criticism
While the book excels in theory, some practical sections (e.g., the Four Quadrants Model) could benefit from more case studies to illustrate real-world applications. Additionally, the intersectional lens, though robust, occasionally sidelines class disparities in access to non-monogamous communities. A future edition might explore how economic precarity impacts relational freedom.
Summary Takeaways:
- The Bell Hooks of polyamory—a feminist, decolonial masterclass in loving beyond ownership.
- Somatic meets subversive: Cassidy turns jealousy into a roadmap for collective healing.
- For readers who’ve asked: Why does non-monogamy still feel oppressive? This book holds answers.
- A trauma-informed compass for navigating love after monogamy’s collapse.
- Queer, anarchist, and unapologetically messy—the antidote to ‘poly bro’ culture.
Gratitude
Thank you to Edelweiss and North Atlantic Books for the advance copy. Cassidy’s work is a beacon for those reorienting to a new map for relating—one where autonomy and intimacy aren’t mutually exclusive.
Final Verdict: A visionary, intersectional guide that transcends the polyamory genre. Essential for therapists, activists, and anyone craving relationships rooted in equity over escalators.
Why Read It? To discover how radical relating begins not with rules—but with dismantling the systems in our bodies and beds.
Rating: 4.9/5
A Revolutionary Blueprint for Post-Monogamous Love
Mel Cassidy’s Radical Relating is a seismic shift in relationship literature—a trauma-informed, somatically grounded manifesto that dismantles the “monogamy mandate” while offering tangible tools for building liberated connections. Unlike conventional polyamory guides focused on logistics, Cassidy interrogates how capitalism, colonialism, and patriarchy infect even alternative relationships, urging readers to “re-wild the ways we love” through queer and anarchist frameworks.
As someone aware of both monogamous and non-monogamous dynamics, I was struck by Cassidy’s unflinching analysis of how “internalized mono-normativity” breeds relational trauma, particularly their somatic exercises for tracking bodily responses to jealousy or insecurity. The Relational Ecology Mapping exercise (a standout tool) helped me visualize relationship connections as a living ecosystem rather than a hierarchy, sparking profound self-awareness.
Cassidy’s prose balances academic rigor with radical tenderness. Their critique of the relationship escalator (the assumption that partnerships must progress toward cohabitation/marriage) resonated deeply, as did their call to center “communities of care” over dyadic coupling. The glossary of polyamory terms—from compersion to relationship anarchy—is invaluable for newcomers and seasoned practitioners alike.
Constructive Criticism
While the book excels in theory, some practical sections (e.g., the Four Quadrants Model) could benefit from more case studies to illustrate real-world applications. Additionally, the intersectional lens, though robust, occasionally sidelines class disparities in access to non-monogamous communities. A future edition might explore how economic precarity impacts relational freedom.
Summary Takeaways:
- The Bell Hooks of polyamory—a feminist, decolonial masterclass in loving beyond ownership.
- Somatic meets subversive: Cassidy turns jealousy into a roadmap for collective healing.
- For readers who’ve asked: Why does non-monogamy still feel oppressive? This book holds answers.
- A trauma-informed compass for navigating love after monogamy’s collapse.
- Queer, anarchist, and unapologetically messy—the antidote to ‘poly bro’ culture.
Gratitude
Thank you to Edelweiss and North Atlantic Books for the advance copy. Cassidy’s work is a beacon for those reorienting to a new map for relating—one where autonomy and intimacy aren’t mutually exclusive.
Final Verdict: A visionary, intersectional guide that transcends the polyamory genre. Essential for therapists, activists, and anyone craving relationships rooted in equity over escalators.
Why Read It? To discover how radical relating begins not with rules—but with dismantling the systems in our bodies and beds.
May 27, 2026
This book was incredible! So many wonderful words of wisdom, tools, & ways of challenging norms. Highly highly recommend to anyone who wants to do any kind of relating outside of what society prescribes, regardless of type of relationship or how dramatically outside the norm you want to operate. I really believe anyone & everyone can get some good info, tools, & ideas out of this book!
January 1, 2026
Radical Relating has been added to a list of books I highly recommend for non monogamy/polyamory. Mel Cassidy doesn’t just touch on deeper topics, but REALLY gets far in there. I’m truly not a big reader and it can take me a while to get through books even that I’m enjoying — but I can honestly say that I didn’t want to put this book down.
I’m very fond of Cassidy’s work overall and was excited for this to be released. The somatic pauses and journal prompts throughout were a lovely touch and I could feel the calmness while reading.
Much of this book goes well beyond Polyamory 101 level. Breaking free of mono-normativity and incorporating anarchy along with queerness are topics that could benefit all and not only those interested in or already practicing non monogamy. I feel Cassidy’s book should be on all polyamory must read lists.
Disclaimer: this is a duplicate review as I can no longer access my previous account and want to add the prior review to this account for consistency.
I’m very fond of Cassidy’s work overall and was excited for this to be released. The somatic pauses and journal prompts throughout were a lovely touch and I could feel the calmness while reading.
Much of this book goes well beyond Polyamory 101 level. Breaking free of mono-normativity and incorporating anarchy along with queerness are topics that could benefit all and not only those interested in or already practicing non monogamy. I feel Cassidy’s book should be on all polyamory must read lists.
Disclaimer: this is a duplicate review as I can no longer access my previous account and want to add the prior review to this account for consistency.
September 18, 2026
Chapter 3: Post-monogomy
- Post-monogamous feminism as intersection of human rights, socialisim, feminishm, intersectionality, queer politics,
- Somewhat confusing arguing feminism vs white supremacy culture
- “arnacule”:“Monogamy in this economy?”
What Exactly Is Post-Monogamy? - not the default
Obstacles to Post-Monogamy
- White supremacy culture: racism, ableism, misogyny
- Personal change: repair, collaboration, “tapestry of experiences”
- Starting point self care
The Monogamy Hangover
- Social safety, emotional security, economic stable
- Challenge is threatening and shows up w/ anger, sadness, depression, rage, grief (bargaining, denial, doubt, panic)
- Why we seek relationships: Relationship escalator, “the one,” personal value tied to relationship, safety in partnership
- “Lock things down” w/ children, joint investments, obligations, love-bombing for transactionality
- What we want from them: permanence, telepathy
- Where we hope they will go: merging, forever no matter the cost
- How we engage in them / measuring success: perfectionism, sex equals success, self-sacrifice
- Perfectionism only partially rooted in white supremacy for Asian cultures
- Yes for immigrant survival
- No for family recognition through achievement, authoritative parenting
Embracing Post-Monogamy: Hope
Chapter 4: Becoming Trauma-Informed
- Intense experience, but also overwhelm coping mechanisms, events moving too fast to process, confusion/feeling lost in relationships
- Fall back to mono-normativity
What Is Trauma?
- “Trauma can be understood as a consequence of adverse or disruptive experiences that happen without the support to cope with, process, and integrate them”
- So many reasons for trauma: systemic, intergenerational, personal
- Not a contest
- Love hope: “With access to resources–such as community, friendship, skilled healers and therapists, and time–they can live that's a pain from their past does not cast shadows over their present”
- Trauma as Disruption: Triggers/Activation; Also lacking context to understand whether safe or not
- Travel analogy hits home
- Trauma as Relational Rupture: attachment, breakups, “time traveled,” separate from self
- Trauma as Grief:
- opposite of NRE
- Grief of leaving monogamy
- Supporting Partner threw a breakup
- losing a metamor
- polyam configuration not possible
- while communal living
- multiple breakups at once
Self-Protective Responses in Relationships
- Help when unsafe
- Nervous system stimulation:
- Connection: Empathy, Fight, flight,
- Disconnection: Fawn, freeze
- Flight
- Feel flight in lower back!
- Avoidance of conflict, withholding info, rush through things, distracting
- Fight
- Feels like shifting weight
- stubbornness, scheduling inflexibility, no compromise, lack of compassion,
- Freeze
- Forgetting, daydreaming, compartimentalization
- Fawn
- Avoid freeze
- capitulating, telling only what others comfortable knowing, empty reassurances
- Windows of capacity: ease, joy, pleasant
- familiar surroundings, music, tv, people
Trauma-Informed, Not Just Trauma Aware
- Other’s traumas: overwhelm, fear; may dismiss, minimize, or gaslight
- Challenge when unfamiliar with trauma
- Instead: compassion, patience, space, autonomy, loving, mutually respectful, honors somatic experience of safety
Chapter 6: Pillars of Trauma-Informed Relating
Orienting (Safety)
- Ground feet
- Attention out
- Nourishing senses
- Map it out: Neighborhood with landmarks (w/o street names)
Resilience (Allow re-engage in present)
- what makes feel disconnected or connected
- what to notice when feeling disconnected / remind of connection
Resolution (Healing)
- Freeze: curl/uncurl, warmth
- Flight: move lower body
- Fight: move upper body
Engagement (Consistent practice)
- Checkins
- Relationship agreements
- Activities together
- Heart: music, animals, loved ones
- Mind: games, books, podcast
- Body: walk, dance, chores, massage
- Spirit: Ritual, art, cook
Chapter 7. Queerness and Anarchy
Q: Do you identify with Anarchism as mutual aid or Intentional Relationships / RA?
Q: Do you identify as queer, gender queer, or your flavor of relating being queer?
Q: Do you believe that “[Political factions] fear that sexual radicalness and an ongoing queering of relationships will threaten their power... Once you pull at one thread of the status quo, the whole tapestry begins to unravel. And if the tapestry of dominance culture—Including patriarchy, colonialism, and white supremacy culture—unravels, those who have hoarded power and resources will likely lose them.”
Chapter 8. The Relationship Landscape
- Landscape vs Escalator - changing with the season, nurturing, weeding
Understanding your ecology: the four quadrants model
- Also temperature, sunlight, animals, etc.
The four quadrants
- Emotional (how we relate in our hearts; share emotions; asymmetric): e.g. family, friends, shared experience havers
- Social (sharing thoughts and ideas, pysch safety): e.g. church, fandom, politics; sapiosexuality; ND4ND
- Erotic (sensuality and creativity, food, sex, music): e.g. inspirations
- Practical (space and wellbeing; disability): roommate, business partner
- Q: What’s your balance?
- Emotional: numerous therapist/healer friends
- Social: numerous polyam, queer, nd, fans, kinksters
- Erotic: working on increasing: lovers, foodies, fans
- Practical: independent + experts: lawyer friend, Health QPP, expats, covid conscious group
A note on spiritual relationships
- Varies: May be erotic, social, or emotional
The four quadrants in other forms
- Indigenous traditions: growth, wholeness, protection, nourishment
- Buddhist/Hinduism: “Earth (physical matter and practical things), water (fluid matter, both external and internal, including the fluids associated with emotions), fire (anything that produces warmth), and air (the breath, also expansion)... Ether (Spirit)”
- Somatics: mind, body, heart, and spirit
- Covey’s 4 intelligences: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual
- 4 Monogamies (Designer Relationships): Sexual, emotional, social, practical
- Chronic Illness: mental, emotional, physical, social
The four quadrants in practice
- Nourish: positive self-relationship, boundaries, attuning to ourselves, energy reserves
Chapter 9. The Layers Of Relating
- Gem: Traditional relating is relationship, intimacy, safety, awareness
Awareness - orienting; basing on what is vs assumptions
Safety - resilience; boundaries, understanding needs, individualization, responsiveness & attunement, erotic care & aftercare, followthrough, arriving on time
Intimacy NRE - healing; mutual trust and collaboration
Relationship ERE - healthy conflict; disentangling from enmeshment
- Emotional Presence vs Availability: being there for someone vs going through something together
The Necessary Fantasy - scaffolding while developing Relating
- Gem?: Slow dating = Radical relating
Chapter 10. The emotional quadrant
Expectations - emotionally understood
Obstacles
- single point of failure
- missing boundaries
- self sacrifice / avoidant
- grief / denial / self-denial / emotional bypassing / minimizing/gaslighting
- unfamiliarity/fear
Queering
- Greek: agape (unconditional), eros, philia, storge (familial), xenia(welcomingness), ludus(playfulness)
- Sanskrit: prema(unconditional), sneha (tender), kama (longing), rati (sensual), bhakti (devotion)
- Awareness, Safety, Intimacy, Relationship
- Post-monogamous feminism as intersection of human rights, socialisim, feminishm, intersectionality, queer politics,
- Somewhat confusing arguing feminism vs white supremacy culture
- “arnacule”:“Monogamy in this economy?”
What Exactly Is Post-Monogamy? - not the default
Obstacles to Post-Monogamy
- White supremacy culture: racism, ableism, misogyny
- Personal change: repair, collaboration, “tapestry of experiences”
- Starting point self care
The Monogamy Hangover
- Social safety, emotional security, economic stable
- Challenge is threatening and shows up w/ anger, sadness, depression, rage, grief (bargaining, denial, doubt, panic)
- Why we seek relationships: Relationship escalator, “the one,” personal value tied to relationship, safety in partnership
- “Lock things down” w/ children, joint investments, obligations, love-bombing for transactionality
- What we want from them: permanence, telepathy
- Where we hope they will go: merging, forever no matter the cost
- How we engage in them / measuring success: perfectionism, sex equals success, self-sacrifice
- Perfectionism only partially rooted in white supremacy for Asian cultures
- Yes for immigrant survival
- No for family recognition through achievement, authoritative parenting
Embracing Post-Monogamy: Hope
Chapter 4: Becoming Trauma-Informed
- Intense experience, but also overwhelm coping mechanisms, events moving too fast to process, confusion/feeling lost in relationships
- Fall back to mono-normativity
What Is Trauma?
- “Trauma can be understood as a consequence of adverse or disruptive experiences that happen without the support to cope with, process, and integrate them”
- So many reasons for trauma: systemic, intergenerational, personal
- Not a contest
- Love hope: “With access to resources–such as community, friendship, skilled healers and therapists, and time–they can live that's a pain from their past does not cast shadows over their present”
- Trauma as Disruption: Triggers/Activation; Also lacking context to understand whether safe or not
- Travel analogy hits home
- Trauma as Relational Rupture: attachment, breakups, “time traveled,” separate from self
- Trauma as Grief:
- opposite of NRE
- Grief of leaving monogamy
- Supporting Partner threw a breakup
- losing a metamor
- polyam configuration not possible
- while communal living
- multiple breakups at once
Self-Protective Responses in Relationships
- Help when unsafe
- Nervous system stimulation:
- Connection: Empathy, Fight, flight,
- Disconnection: Fawn, freeze
- Flight
- Feel flight in lower back!
- Avoidance of conflict, withholding info, rush through things, distracting
- Fight
- Feels like shifting weight
- stubbornness, scheduling inflexibility, no compromise, lack of compassion,
- Freeze
- Forgetting, daydreaming, compartimentalization
- Fawn
- Avoid freeze
- capitulating, telling only what others comfortable knowing, empty reassurances
- Windows of capacity: ease, joy, pleasant
- familiar surroundings, music, tv, people
Trauma-Informed, Not Just Trauma Aware
- Other’s traumas: overwhelm, fear; may dismiss, minimize, or gaslight
- Challenge when unfamiliar with trauma
- Instead: compassion, patience, space, autonomy, loving, mutually respectful, honors somatic experience of safety
Chapter 6: Pillars of Trauma-Informed Relating
Orienting (Safety)
- Ground feet
- Attention out
- Nourishing senses
- Map it out: Neighborhood with landmarks (w/o street names)
Resilience (Allow re-engage in present)
- what makes feel disconnected or connected
- what to notice when feeling disconnected / remind of connection
Resolution (Healing)
- Freeze: curl/uncurl, warmth
- Flight: move lower body
- Fight: move upper body
Engagement (Consistent practice)
- Checkins
- Relationship agreements
- Activities together
- Heart: music, animals, loved ones
- Mind: games, books, podcast
- Body: walk, dance, chores, massage
- Spirit: Ritual, art, cook
Chapter 7. Queerness and Anarchy
Q: Do you identify with Anarchism as mutual aid or Intentional Relationships / RA?
Q: Do you identify as queer, gender queer, or your flavor of relating being queer?
Q: Do you believe that “[Political factions] fear that sexual radicalness and an ongoing queering of relationships will threaten their power... Once you pull at one thread of the status quo, the whole tapestry begins to unravel. And if the tapestry of dominance culture—Including patriarchy, colonialism, and white supremacy culture—unravels, those who have hoarded power and resources will likely lose them.”
Chapter 8. The Relationship Landscape
- Landscape vs Escalator - changing with the season, nurturing, weeding
Understanding your ecology: the four quadrants model
- Also temperature, sunlight, animals, etc.
The four quadrants
- Emotional (how we relate in our hearts; share emotions; asymmetric): e.g. family, friends, shared experience havers
- Social (sharing thoughts and ideas, pysch safety): e.g. church, fandom, politics; sapiosexuality; ND4ND
- Erotic (sensuality and creativity, food, sex, music): e.g. inspirations
- Practical (space and wellbeing; disability): roommate, business partner
- Q: What’s your balance?
- Emotional: numerous therapist/healer friends
- Social: numerous polyam, queer, nd, fans, kinksters
- Erotic: working on increasing: lovers, foodies, fans
- Practical: independent + experts: lawyer friend, Health QPP, expats, covid conscious group
A note on spiritual relationships
- Varies: May be erotic, social, or emotional
The four quadrants in other forms
- Indigenous traditions: growth, wholeness, protection, nourishment
- Buddhist/Hinduism: “Earth (physical matter and practical things), water (fluid matter, both external and internal, including the fluids associated with emotions), fire (anything that produces warmth), and air (the breath, also expansion)... Ether (Spirit)”
- Somatics: mind, body, heart, and spirit
- Covey’s 4 intelligences: Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual
- 4 Monogamies (Designer Relationships): Sexual, emotional, social, practical
- Chronic Illness: mental, emotional, physical, social
The four quadrants in practice
- Nourish: positive self-relationship, boundaries, attuning to ourselves, energy reserves
Chapter 9. The Layers Of Relating
- Gem: Traditional relating is relationship, intimacy, safety, awareness
Awareness - orienting; basing on what is vs assumptions
Safety - resilience; boundaries, understanding needs, individualization, responsiveness & attunement, erotic care & aftercare, followthrough, arriving on time
Intimacy NRE - healing; mutual trust and collaboration
Relationship ERE - healthy conflict; disentangling from enmeshment
- Emotional Presence vs Availability: being there for someone vs going through something together
The Necessary Fantasy - scaffolding while developing Relating
- Gem?: Slow dating = Radical relating
Chapter 10. The emotional quadrant
Expectations - emotionally understood
Obstacles
- single point of failure
- missing boundaries
- self sacrifice / avoidant
- grief / denial / self-denial / emotional bypassing / minimizing/gaslighting
- unfamiliarity/fear
Queering
- Greek: agape (unconditional), eros, philia, storge (familial), xenia(welcomingness), ludus(playfulness)
- Sanskrit: prema(unconditional), sneha (tender), kama (longing), rati (sensual), bhakti (devotion)
- Awareness, Safety, Intimacy, Relationship
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 5, 2026
SO MUCH GOODNESS IN THIS BOOK.
Definitions of love, four quadrants of relationships, four layers of relating, discussion of distress and stress reactions, "courageous communication", and so much more.
I *especially* loved and appreciated how this book started out with a relatively deep dive of how colonialism, racism, patriarchy, misogyny, and ablism affect and are reflected in relationship structures. I don't want to say that I've "never" seen this mentioned in other texts, but I certainly have not seen such an informed and well-rounded take.
This book provides an incredible foundation not just for queer or polyamorous relationships, but tools and insight that can be used in any form of relationship (even just with yourself). HIGHLY recommend this reaad!
Definitions of love, four quadrants of relationships, four layers of relating, discussion of distress and stress reactions, "courageous communication", and so much more.
I *especially* loved and appreciated how this book started out with a relatively deep dive of how colonialism, racism, patriarchy, misogyny, and ablism affect and are reflected in relationship structures. I don't want to say that I've "never" seen this mentioned in other texts, but I certainly have not seen such an informed and well-rounded take.
This book provides an incredible foundation not just for queer or polyamorous relationships, but tools and insight that can be used in any form of relationship (even just with yourself). HIGHLY recommend this reaad!
February 15, 2026
This has got to be the best ENM guidebook I've ever read. It applies to all relationships, be they romantic, intimate, friendships, or more. It discusses different kinds of non-monogamy and offers ways to ethically move in all these relationships. It can easily be applied to monogamous relationships, too. I was going to pass the book on to another poly friend, but found myself annotating and bookmarking so much, I am going to get them their own and keep my own copy for reference. It's already sparked multiple healthy conversations between myself and my partners. There are few blueprints for these types of relating. It is part of the freedom of non-monogamy. . . but also, the fear and falling through space. This book helps. Can't recommend enough!
November 3, 2025
A poly book that focuses more on reimaging our relationships. Definitely some concrete steps and thoughts but less about the what to do and more on reforming our thoughts beyond monogamy. I especially appreciated the look at relationships beyond just the romantic and sexual.
December 15, 2025
“Instead of pursuing relationships in search of safety within systems that divide us, we’d seek out relationships as a means of collectively surviving and thriving.” (29)
May 20, 2026
This book suffers, I think, from an ill-defined audience. From the book's description (on the author's website), it's for the following:
At the same time, Cassidy does assume a certain pre-existing commitment to the principles underpinning relationship anarchy, decolonialism, and so on, building on that to tell the reader how they could live out these ideals more radically (at least in theory), and so I also wouldn't recommend this to my cishet nuclear-family monogamous friends as a way to understand my life and philosophy better, because it would be way too out there for them as a starting point. So my best guess is that the ideal audience for this book would be someone who is new to and excited about non-monogamy already or to living out their monogamy in a relationship anarchy kind of way. Which is a bit more narrow than what Cassidy has in mind, clearly.
Despite the challenges I had with the book as a whole, there were certainly lines throughout that stood out to me. Most of what I underlined were validations of my existing beliefs more than new ideas that opened my mind, but there's value in that as well. And there were two ideas that I'm still pondering as I leave this book: First, the idea of the "necessary fantasy" — that as long as you're not going so far into a fantasy that you disconnect from reality, moving a relationship into greater levels of intimacy (of any kind) actually does require you to first imagine a future for that relationship, and there's nothing inherently bad about creating that future fantasy. Second, in non-monogamy you might pause on moving forward with a new partner in a way that will cause discomfort for your existing partner(s), not until your existing partner(s) are comfortable with the situation, but until you have the capacity to hold space for their discomfort. In all the non-monogamy content that I've consumed dealing with the ever-present tension between autonomy and care for others, I don't think I've ever heard it framed precisely that way, and it was helpful.
This wasn't bad, per se, but I don't think I'd recommend it to many people. What I did take away didn't outweigh all the redundant content and vague philosophizing that I had to wade through to find the useful nuggets. That's a bummer, because I'd certainly welcome a book that took this kind of liberatory, trauma-informed approach and applied them to a multitude of real-life, challenging relational scenarios in the vein of Who Deserves Your Love.
This book is for polyamorists who want to practice their non-monogamy with more feminism, more queerness, and more community building. It’s for monogamists who don’t want to do relationships on autopilot. It’s for everyone who dearly believes a better way to love and live exists. It’s for change makers who aspire to re-wild the ways we love.What this means in practice is that our little book club of polyamorous folks found much of this book to be retreading ground we've covered in multiple other books, except with a patina of references to being trauma-informed and dismantling white supremacy. The author talks in broad strokes about breaking down systems of oppression without a lot of tangible examples of what that actually looks like in practice. I heard them interviewed on Making Polyamory Work (one of my all-time favorite podcasts), and similarly there, it felt like Cassidy kept wanting to talk philosophy and trauma and colonialism, and Libby Sinback (the podcast host) had to bring them back to, "OK, but what would you tell this couple about their specific problem?"
At the same time, Cassidy does assume a certain pre-existing commitment to the principles underpinning relationship anarchy, decolonialism, and so on, building on that to tell the reader how they could live out these ideals more radically (at least in theory), and so I also wouldn't recommend this to my cishet nuclear-family monogamous friends as a way to understand my life and philosophy better, because it would be way too out there for them as a starting point. So my best guess is that the ideal audience for this book would be someone who is new to and excited about non-monogamy already or to living out their monogamy in a relationship anarchy kind of way. Which is a bit more narrow than what Cassidy has in mind, clearly.
Despite the challenges I had with the book as a whole, there were certainly lines throughout that stood out to me. Most of what I underlined were validations of my existing beliefs more than new ideas that opened my mind, but there's value in that as well. And there were two ideas that I'm still pondering as I leave this book: First, the idea of the "necessary fantasy" — that as long as you're not going so far into a fantasy that you disconnect from reality, moving a relationship into greater levels of intimacy (of any kind) actually does require you to first imagine a future for that relationship, and there's nothing inherently bad about creating that future fantasy. Second, in non-monogamy you might pause on moving forward with a new partner in a way that will cause discomfort for your existing partner(s), not until your existing partner(s) are comfortable with the situation, but until you have the capacity to hold space for their discomfort. In all the non-monogamy content that I've consumed dealing with the ever-present tension between autonomy and care for others, I don't think I've ever heard it framed precisely that way, and it was helpful.
This wasn't bad, per se, but I don't think I'd recommend it to many people. What I did take away didn't outweigh all the redundant content and vague philosophizing that I had to wade through to find the useful nuggets. That's a bummer, because I'd certainly welcome a book that took this kind of liberatory, trauma-informed approach and applied them to a multitude of real-life, challenging relational scenarios in the vein of Who Deserves Your Love.
August 7, 2026
One of the things I appreciated most about *Radical Relating* is that Mel Cassidy expands the conversation far beyond nonmonogamy. Although the book certainly speaks to people exploring relationship structures outside of monogamy, its central message is much broader: radical relating is about questioning inherited assumptions and intentionally creating relationships that reflect our values rather than simply reproducing the status quo.
What makes this book especially distinctive is the way Cassidy weaves together perspectives that are often absent from relationship books. The discussion of colonialism, patriarchy, capitalism, and white supremacy provides an important lens for understanding how larger social systems shape even our most intimate relationships. Rather than treating relationships as purely individual experiences, the book invites readers to consider the broader cultural forces that influence how we love, communicate, and build community.
I also appreciated the book's trauma-informed and somatic approach. The pauses for reflection encourage readers to notice their own responses while engaging with challenging material, making it easier to process difficult ideas with curiosity instead of defensiveness. The result is a book that feels both intellectually engaging and emotionally grounded.
The chapters exploring the four relational quadrants were among my favorites. They provide a thoughtful framework for increasing self-awareness and understanding our connections with others, while the practical relational toolkit offers concrete strategies for putting these ideas into practice. The courageous communication guide, in particular, is an excellent resource for anyone seeking to build relationships rooted in consent, honesty, and mutual care.
Ultimately, *Radical Relating* succeeds because it balances challenge with compassion. Cassidy encourages readers to rethink deeply held beliefs without prescribing a single "right" way to have relationships. Instead, the book offers a framework for building relationships that are more intentional, authentic, and liberatory. I expect I'll return to many of these ideas in the future.
What makes this book especially distinctive is the way Cassidy weaves together perspectives that are often absent from relationship books. The discussion of colonialism, patriarchy, capitalism, and white supremacy provides an important lens for understanding how larger social systems shape even our most intimate relationships. Rather than treating relationships as purely individual experiences, the book invites readers to consider the broader cultural forces that influence how we love, communicate, and build community.
I also appreciated the book's trauma-informed and somatic approach. The pauses for reflection encourage readers to notice their own responses while engaging with challenging material, making it easier to process difficult ideas with curiosity instead of defensiveness. The result is a book that feels both intellectually engaging and emotionally grounded.
The chapters exploring the four relational quadrants were among my favorites. They provide a thoughtful framework for increasing self-awareness and understanding our connections with others, while the practical relational toolkit offers concrete strategies for putting these ideas into practice. The courageous communication guide, in particular, is an excellent resource for anyone seeking to build relationships rooted in consent, honesty, and mutual care.
Ultimately, *Radical Relating* succeeds because it balances challenge with compassion. Cassidy encourages readers to rethink deeply held beliefs without prescribing a single "right" way to have relationships. Instead, the book offers a framework for building relationships that are more intentional, authentic, and liberatory. I expect I'll return to many of these ideas in the future.
October 12, 2025
As someone with a large platform in the polyamory education space (Decolonizing Love), I approached this book with cautious interest. Many people have asked for my thoughts, especially given the author's visibility and influence in the non-monogamy community.
I want to be transparent that my perspective is shaped by direct experiences with the author over the course of several years. These include repeated unsolicited critiques of my work, boundary-crossing communication even after clear requests to disengage, and public posts that closely mirrored my educational content, sometimes shortly after those ideas were dismissed in shared spaces.
At one point, the author participated in a coordinated attempt by several content creators to impose a specific moral framework onto my work under the guise of "community accountability." My requests for space and respectful disengagement were ignored, and the situation eventually escalated into personal attacks and a video that named and misrepresented me in ways I found harmful and disingenuous.
What complicates my response to this book is that it uses a vocabulary I once had hope for: radical relational ethics, somatics, anti-oppression language, but in a way that now reads as performance rather than embodied practice. Knowing what I know about the author's offline behavior, the content feels hollow, even when some points appear technically correct.
This review isn’t written lightly. I believe in accountability, and I also believe that if we’re going to explore transformative justice or community care, we need to model the values we claim to teach. I cannot recommend this book or the author’s broader work in good conscience, especially to readers seeking integrity in both theory and practice.
I want to be transparent that my perspective is shaped by direct experiences with the author over the course of several years. These include repeated unsolicited critiques of my work, boundary-crossing communication even after clear requests to disengage, and public posts that closely mirrored my educational content, sometimes shortly after those ideas were dismissed in shared spaces.
At one point, the author participated in a coordinated attempt by several content creators to impose a specific moral framework onto my work under the guise of "community accountability." My requests for space and respectful disengagement were ignored, and the situation eventually escalated into personal attacks and a video that named and misrepresented me in ways I found harmful and disingenuous.
What complicates my response to this book is that it uses a vocabulary I once had hope for: radical relational ethics, somatics, anti-oppression language, but in a way that now reads as performance rather than embodied practice. Knowing what I know about the author's offline behavior, the content feels hollow, even when some points appear technically correct.
This review isn’t written lightly. I believe in accountability, and I also believe that if we’re going to explore transformative justice or community care, we need to model the values we claim to teach. I cannot recommend this book or the author’s broader work in good conscience, especially to readers seeking integrity in both theory and practice.
October 15, 2025
I awaited this book with bated breath for a very long time. After having attended several courses, workshops, and coaching sessions with the author, I was keen to have a reference material, in their own words, that I could both re-read and reference.
Radical Relating exceeded my expectations - and reshaped them. A term that came to mind in reading Radical Relating was "self-interactive" as there were many opportunities to explore and connect with myself in new ways throughout the book.
There are few books that are as deep as they are accessible and this is one of them. If you're new to non-monogamy or interested in new ways to see it and yourself, this is a great resource.
One thing that struck me was how the mood of the writing fit the nature of the topic: If the topic was serious or reflective, the book felt slower, deliberate, and open. When the content was curious or joyful, I read it faster with a smile. I have read a number of "self-help" books and not many have brought my feelings along through the pages.
Radical Relating exceeded my expectations - and reshaped them. A term that came to mind in reading Radical Relating was "self-interactive" as there were many opportunities to explore and connect with myself in new ways throughout the book.
There are few books that are as deep as they are accessible and this is one of them. If you're new to non-monogamy or interested in new ways to see it and yourself, this is a great resource.
One thing that struck me was how the mood of the writing fit the nature of the topic: If the topic was serious or reflective, the book felt slower, deliberate, and open. When the content was curious or joyful, I read it faster with a smile. I have read a number of "self-help" books and not many have brought my feelings along through the pages.
March 8, 2026
Why do I buy and read so many self-helpish relationship books? Even though some of them are corny, I guess I feel like there are always a nugget are three that I can glean. Why do I read relationship books about queerness and polyamory, when I'm not sure what I am or what kind of relationship I like? I guess I feel like, whether you're polyamourous or not, the foundations of polyamourous relationships work well, no matter what. The constant, open and honest communication more than anything else.
Radical Relating felt kind of corny; partly because it's more of a beginner guide and partly because of the tone. It felt like it was written by someone who places themselves on a pedastel and is trying to teach us simps how to be in a relationship. I didn't feel myself thinking any new thoughts or looking at things any differently than before I had heard of this relationships. It also felt like the author was twisting some facts so that her thesis would make sense: that monogamy is a white supremacist tool for colonizing the rest of the world. This might partially be true, but it feels to me like someone living in a fantasy world where all other peoples were perfect and advanced, living in tune with nature.
I highlighted a few things that I thought might be beneficial, but looking over them now I think I was wrong. Either that or I'm just too lazy to write a full review about a book that I feel like was kind of a waste of time and money.
Radical Relating felt kind of corny; partly because it's more of a beginner guide and partly because of the tone. It felt like it was written by someone who places themselves on a pedastel and is trying to teach us simps how to be in a relationship. I didn't feel myself thinking any new thoughts or looking at things any differently than before I had heard of this relationships. It also felt like the author was twisting some facts so that her thesis would make sense: that monogamy is a white supremacist tool for colonizing the rest of the world. This might partially be true, but it feels to me like someone living in a fantasy world where all other peoples were perfect and advanced, living in tune with nature.
I highlighted a few things that I thought might be beneficial, but looking over them now I think I was wrong. Either that or I'm just too lazy to write a full review about a book that I feel like was kind of a waste of time and money.
June 29, 2026
A much-needed addition to the canon of guides for non-monogamy. I love that the author looks at alternative ways of relating from a more person-centred lense that emphasizes trauma-informed practices. Mel Cassidy's conceptualization of a relational landscape helps to expand our views of relating beyond that of romantic dyads or even romantic relationships and instead focuses on our relationship to various valences in the world and how they feed us. This book is meaningful and empowering in its intersectionality and acknowlegement that our context informs our needs in relationship in a way that other guides to non-monogamy do not. It escapes the proscriptive model of "this is how you do poly the right way" and instead encourages you to find the right way to do non-monogamy for you and your community.
August 6, 2026
Don’t let the title fool you. You don’t need to be queer or polyamorous to get a lot out of this book. The is a powerful exploration into patriarchal, capitalist, settle colonialist views of relationships and how to confront them and find better ways of relating, not only in erotic or romantic relationships but in all our relationships. I greatly appreciated the focus on the role of trauma and somatic experiencing. If you want stronger healthier relationships of any kind, I recommend this book.
June 30, 2026
Mel Cassidy draws on lived experience, trauma-informed training in somatics, and socio/cultural analysis to guide readers towards healthier more integrated relationships--with ourselves and each other.
By helping us understanding the systems we exist in, and the models we must transform to transform ourselves, Mel Cassidy does indeed create a wonderful and nourishing guide to relating radically, beyond monogamy.
By helping us understanding the systems we exist in, and the models we must transform to transform ourselves, Mel Cassidy does indeed create a wonderful and nourishing guide to relating radically, beyond monogamy.
June 30, 2026
After reading so many books about polyamory, open relationships, and non-monogamy, FINALLY a book that reflects MY way of loving and relating! If you have a big heart and love big, this book is for you. If you identify anywhere on the queer spectrum of gender or sexuality, read/listen to this book! I listened to the audible and post-it notes all over my hard copy.
January 7, 2026
4.75⭐️
Interesting and informative look at different relationship structures
Interesting and informative look at different relationship structures
January 20, 2026
I think this book is better read than listened to. The content is immense and there's not an easy way to flip back and forth for references
July 21, 2026
i picked this up for something newer than polysecure to prep a lecture and devoured it—this will be my new rec for clients who want to read more about nonmonogamy :)
October 8, 2025
This book is one of the best books on alternative relationships and non-monogamy I have read. I would highly recommend it to anyone wanting to explore relationships in ways that differ from Western societal expectations. It's not a book about opening up a monogamous relationship, it is an alternative way to explore the experience of relating to one or more people.
As others have commented, the relationship landscape divided up into four relational quadrants is quite helpful as an alternative to monogamous relationship models.
The chapter on compersion (finding joy in your partner's excitement, love or experiences with someone other than you) validated that it is not always easy to be joyful in your partner's experience with another. It takes a realistic look at the dark fears we might have about the security of our relationships and offers ways to navigate complex relational landscapes.
I also found the chapter on communicating and working through conflict (chapter 19) particularly helpful. You don't have to be non-monogamous or queer to appreciate this book. In fact, if you are monogamous and you read only chapter 19, you could really be doing yourself a favour when it comes to relationship conflicts. But it would be even more helpful to read the whole thing.
As others have commented, the relationship landscape divided up into four relational quadrants is quite helpful as an alternative to monogamous relationship models.
The chapter on compersion (finding joy in your partner's excitement, love or experiences with someone other than you) validated that it is not always easy to be joyful in your partner's experience with another. It takes a realistic look at the dark fears we might have about the security of our relationships and offers ways to navigate complex relational landscapes.
I also found the chapter on communicating and working through conflict (chapter 19) particularly helpful. You don't have to be non-monogamous or queer to appreciate this book. In fact, if you are monogamous and you read only chapter 19, you could really be doing yourself a favour when it comes to relationship conflicts. But it would be even more helpful to read the whole thing.
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