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Being There: How to Love Those Who Are Hurting
MP3 CD Format Everyone has friends or family who suffer from sickness, disability, depression, or the death of a loved one.Often times, the people who love the hurting also struggle in their own unique ways. They tend to suffer in silence and without much support from others. Writing from the unique perspective of one who needs extra help on a daily basis, Dave Furman offers insight into the support, encouragement, and wisdom that people need when helping others. Furman draws on his own life experiences, examples from the Bible, and wisdom from Christians throughout history to address the heart and ministry of those who are called to serve others. Deeply personal and powerfully pastoral, this book points readers to the strength that only God can provide as they love those who are hurting. Afterword written by Gloria Furman, the author's wife.
1 pages, Audio CD
First published August 1, 2016
83 people are currently reading
973 people want to read
About the author
Dave Furman
3 books19 followersDave Furman (ThM, Dallas Theological Seminary) serves as the senior pastor of Redeemer Church of Dubai in the United Arab Emirates, which he planted in 2010. Dave and his wife, Gloria, have four children.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 114 reviews
November 19, 2017
This book is unique in that it addresses people who care for hurting people, unlike most books on suffering that address the direct sufferer. The first two chapters are on how the caregiver needs to care for themselves - grieving their own losses that come from caring for people who suffer, and knowing the gospel deeply. The rest of the book is how to care for people who hurt physically, emotionally, or mentally. The chapter on what not to do is especially good. Every Christian should read this book, pastors and elders should read it twice.
November 4, 2016
What a book. I learned so much and was challenged in many ways by it. Grateful for the honest, practical, and biblical advice Mr. Furman gives us in these pages.
November 29, 2016
The good news of God's saving grace in the gospel never gets old. And realizing we don't deserve it always leads us to worship. That's why we don't move on to the better message. There is no better news. You will get the strength to help the hurting only when you understand what God has done for you in the gospel.
I don't know about you but I don't do well in this area of the Christian life and this book was helpful in getting over myself and looking at the work of the gospel. We do need the gospel 24/7 to bring others to the gospel as well. It is by receiving the love of God and responding to the gospel that we can serve others for the gospel. Do you see a trend here...Gospel. Not to do more, try harder, stay on that treadmill of Christianity...but the gospel. Saturate yourself in that. We need more Christian books like this. It is a saturation of gospel.
It also gives you 10 things not to do when someone you love is suffering. I will share only one because I hope it will tease you to find out the other 9. This one resonated with me and it was number 1. Don't be the Fix it Person-where we have to fix everything. With every "not to"; a why is laid out that is refreshing. Good good stuff. Many times our encouragement only minimize's a persons pain.
Some of the quotes that I found encouraging.
Maybe you've also heard that God changes our hearts in prayer, and so that's why we pray. It is sometimes said that prayer doesn't actually do anything outside of ourselves, but we pray because it changes us. ...many times I find myself trying to change God's will to mine but prayer is designed to change my will to God's.
Paul told Peter that racism is not in line with the gospel. Racism is forgetting you are saved by Jesus' blood-not your blood. Peter had betrayed the truth that God doesn't treat us on the basis of race but saves us by grace alone.
I have to do a shout out for this as well. He has given the best example of the prosperity gospel that I have found. The prosperity gospel is basically what Martin Luther called a false theology of glory. That is, the belief that if you follow these instructions, then God will give you happiness. God becomes a buddy or a partner who exists to serve your needs. Salvation becomes not a matter of divine rescue from the judgment that is coming on the world but rather a matter of self-improvement in order to have your life here and now. It twists the truth because Christ came not bring earthly happiness but to save us from death and judgment, and he did so through suffering.
As always, the gospel gives us hope. A hope to help others and a hope when we fail. A hope to have faith and live in faith. It is a great journey to be on.
A Special Thank You to Crossway and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.
I don't know about you but I don't do well in this area of the Christian life and this book was helpful in getting over myself and looking at the work of the gospel. We do need the gospel 24/7 to bring others to the gospel as well. It is by receiving the love of God and responding to the gospel that we can serve others for the gospel. Do you see a trend here...Gospel. Not to do more, try harder, stay on that treadmill of Christianity...but the gospel. Saturate yourself in that. We need more Christian books like this. It is a saturation of gospel.
It also gives you 10 things not to do when someone you love is suffering. I will share only one because I hope it will tease you to find out the other 9. This one resonated with me and it was number 1. Don't be the Fix it Person-where we have to fix everything. With every "not to"; a why is laid out that is refreshing. Good good stuff. Many times our encouragement only minimize's a persons pain.
Some of the quotes that I found encouraging.
Maybe you've also heard that God changes our hearts in prayer, and so that's why we pray. It is sometimes said that prayer doesn't actually do anything outside of ourselves, but we pray because it changes us. ...many times I find myself trying to change God's will to mine but prayer is designed to change my will to God's.
Paul told Peter that racism is not in line with the gospel. Racism is forgetting you are saved by Jesus' blood-not your blood. Peter had betrayed the truth that God doesn't treat us on the basis of race but saves us by grace alone.
I have to do a shout out for this as well. He has given the best example of the prosperity gospel that I have found. The prosperity gospel is basically what Martin Luther called a false theology of glory. That is, the belief that if you follow these instructions, then God will give you happiness. God becomes a buddy or a partner who exists to serve your needs. Salvation becomes not a matter of divine rescue from the judgment that is coming on the world but rather a matter of self-improvement in order to have your life here and now. It twists the truth because Christ came not bring earthly happiness but to save us from death and judgment, and he did so through suffering.
As always, the gospel gives us hope. A hope to help others and a hope when we fail. A hope to have faith and live in faith. It is a great journey to be on.
A Special Thank You to Crossway and Netgalley for the ARC and the opportunity to post an honest review.
March 28, 2017
I can't begin to express how great this book is. As I read it, I'm thinking of how poorly I'm doing. But as Furman reiterates in the conclusion, all of us will help the hurting and all of us will hurt the hurting but thank God Jesus is ultimately the one who comforts them perfectly. Soli Deo gloria!
I highly recommend this book to all pastors and all congregants. You will be greatly blessed by this book.
I highly recommend this book to all pastors and all congregants. You will be greatly blessed by this book.
October 25, 2016
Standing and Waiting with Those Who Suffer
The words of 17th century poet John Milton from On His Blindness, come to mind with every visit to my mother’s long-term care facility:
“They also serve who only stand and wait.”
I hope it’s true, and I’d love to report that in the midst of my waiting we have warm and meaningful conversations or that I push her wheelchair outside for sunshine and fresh air, but the truth is that she refuses to leave her room, and that for the duration of my visits, the t.v. is blaring infomercials and game shows. With every visit, I wonder if her life is enhanced at all by my presence. Of course, “standing and waiting” on behalf of my mother also includes advocating for her when her crankiness gets in the way of administrators hearing her real needs, calling health care providers, and bringing her treats, but, most of the time, I realize that I don’t know what to do in the face of her great need.
It is this awkward and frustrating sense of helplessness that often prevents people of faith from taking risks in serving those who are disabled or grieving or suffering in other ways. Being There by Dave Furman offers inspiration and advice from the perspective of the one being served. Readers who are familiar with his wife Gloria’s writing will remember that Dave is afflicted with a neurological condition which, over the past decade, has disabled his arms, caused chronic pain, and resulted in four major surgeries and a variety of tests, therapies, and prescriptions — none of which have been helpful.
With candor and realism, Dave shares his discouragement, his depression, and the impact his disability has had on his young family and on his ministry as a church planter on the Arabian peninsula. He warns readers of the danger inherent in playing the “if only” game, which goes like this:
Fill in the blank — If only ___________, then I’d be happy.
If only my arms were healthy.
If only I had more money.
If only my spouse were healed.
This is not a game that is exclusive to the disabled, and Dave quotes John Calvin, referencing our “idol-factory” hearts, for somewhere along the way he realized that pain-free living had become an idol to him.
Suffering is a group project, and those who care for the suffering have a unique need to come clean before God about their own grieving process. They need a marathon-level strength that is not their own in order to act, day after day, with selflessness toward one who is continually in need. The messy process of grieving over a loved one’s pain is hard work and is best done in community. Over and over, the Furmans urged: “Don’t walk this journey alone.”
The Psalms of Lament (particularly Psalm 88) give words for the hopelessness and for the sense that God is distant and uncaring. Three lessons emerge from the text:
It is possible that a believer may experience unrelieved suffering.
Our pain and suffering are not the final word, but remind us of the redemption to come.
The psalmist does not give up. Even in the midst of darkness, he prays.
Being There thrums with Gospel-based reassurance that not only does God not look away in our suffering, but the truth is that “the only person who sought God and truly did lose God’s face and did experience total darkness was Jesus” — and this was on our behalf. “Because Jesus was truly abandoned by God the Father, we will never be abandoned by God.” This is solid truth to encourage the heart of the suffering as well as the compassionate caregiver.
A highlight of Dave’s writing is the wide range of great authors and thinkers he quotes. For example, citing Thomas Chalmers on “The Expulsive Power of a New Affection,” Dave reminds readers that our love for the hurting comes out of new hearts based on resurrection-hope and because of what Jesus has already done for us — not because we are stellar servants or possess super stores of personal endurance.
Horatius Bonar’s Words to Winners of Souls applies to caregivers as thoroughly as to soul winners. “You must be much with Christ before you are anything for anybody else.”
Seventeenth century English Puritan John Flavel’s writing drives home the truth that only those with a healthy heart can really help the hurting. With this emphasis on a growing relationship with God in place, Being There moves on to some very practical components for helping the hurting and their caregivers:
Faithful friendship that offers silent presence, the fellowship of mutual burden bearing, loyalty over the long haul, the grace of lavish and ready forgiveness, and a willingness to use humor and lightheartedness to lift spirits.
Continual clinging to the hope offered in the gospel over all other possible sources of hope.
Selfless service that washes feet, honors the dignity of any image-bearer, humbly offers healing words, and shows up with specific and practical hands-on help.
Heartfelt prayer in the manner suggested by Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “True spiritual love will speak to Christ about a brother even more than to a brother about Christ.” This includes urging the hurting to draw strength from their own prayer life.
Loving rebuke when it’s clear that hopes need realignment and fear is in the driver’s seat. Paul refers to it as “restoration” in the sense of putting a bone back in joint.
Avoidance of unhelpful patterns such as becoming the “fixer;” delivering a message of false hope; unsympathetic questioning, pushing, condemning, or comparing; and allowing the disability to become anyone’s main identity.
We are called to a life of what Paul Tripp describes as “intentionally intrusive relationships.” When we, as the Body of Christ, bear one another’s burdens in a culture of caring, we put the love of God on display and demonstrate our belief that He can provide strength to help us overcome obstacles and minister with love to those who are hurting. We can “stand and wait,” as we watch the grace of God prevail.
//
This book was provided by Crossway in exchange for my review. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
The words of 17th century poet John Milton from On His Blindness, come to mind with every visit to my mother’s long-term care facility:
“They also serve who only stand and wait.”
I hope it’s true, and I’d love to report that in the midst of my waiting we have warm and meaningful conversations or that I push her wheelchair outside for sunshine and fresh air, but the truth is that she refuses to leave her room, and that for the duration of my visits, the t.v. is blaring infomercials and game shows. With every visit, I wonder if her life is enhanced at all by my presence. Of course, “standing and waiting” on behalf of my mother also includes advocating for her when her crankiness gets in the way of administrators hearing her real needs, calling health care providers, and bringing her treats, but, most of the time, I realize that I don’t know what to do in the face of her great need.
It is this awkward and frustrating sense of helplessness that often prevents people of faith from taking risks in serving those who are disabled or grieving or suffering in other ways. Being There by Dave Furman offers inspiration and advice from the perspective of the one being served. Readers who are familiar with his wife Gloria’s writing will remember that Dave is afflicted with a neurological condition which, over the past decade, has disabled his arms, caused chronic pain, and resulted in four major surgeries and a variety of tests, therapies, and prescriptions — none of which have been helpful.
With candor and realism, Dave shares his discouragement, his depression, and the impact his disability has had on his young family and on his ministry as a church planter on the Arabian peninsula. He warns readers of the danger inherent in playing the “if only” game, which goes like this:
Fill in the blank — If only ___________, then I’d be happy.
If only my arms were healthy.
If only I had more money.
If only my spouse were healed.
This is not a game that is exclusive to the disabled, and Dave quotes John Calvin, referencing our “idol-factory” hearts, for somewhere along the way he realized that pain-free living had become an idol to him.
Suffering is a group project, and those who care for the suffering have a unique need to come clean before God about their own grieving process. They need a marathon-level strength that is not their own in order to act, day after day, with selflessness toward one who is continually in need. The messy process of grieving over a loved one’s pain is hard work and is best done in community. Over and over, the Furmans urged: “Don’t walk this journey alone.”
The Psalms of Lament (particularly Psalm 88) give words for the hopelessness and for the sense that God is distant and uncaring. Three lessons emerge from the text:
It is possible that a believer may experience unrelieved suffering.
Our pain and suffering are not the final word, but remind us of the redemption to come.
The psalmist does not give up. Even in the midst of darkness, he prays.
Being There thrums with Gospel-based reassurance that not only does God not look away in our suffering, but the truth is that “the only person who sought God and truly did lose God’s face and did experience total darkness was Jesus” — and this was on our behalf. “Because Jesus was truly abandoned by God the Father, we will never be abandoned by God.” This is solid truth to encourage the heart of the suffering as well as the compassionate caregiver.
A highlight of Dave’s writing is the wide range of great authors and thinkers he quotes. For example, citing Thomas Chalmers on “The Expulsive Power of a New Affection,” Dave reminds readers that our love for the hurting comes out of new hearts based on resurrection-hope and because of what Jesus has already done for us — not because we are stellar servants or possess super stores of personal endurance.
Horatius Bonar’s Words to Winners of Souls applies to caregivers as thoroughly as to soul winners. “You must be much with Christ before you are anything for anybody else.”
Seventeenth century English Puritan John Flavel’s writing drives home the truth that only those with a healthy heart can really help the hurting. With this emphasis on a growing relationship with God in place, Being There moves on to some very practical components for helping the hurting and their caregivers:
Faithful friendship that offers silent presence, the fellowship of mutual burden bearing, loyalty over the long haul, the grace of lavish and ready forgiveness, and a willingness to use humor and lightheartedness to lift spirits.
Continual clinging to the hope offered in the gospel over all other possible sources of hope.
Selfless service that washes feet, honors the dignity of any image-bearer, humbly offers healing words, and shows up with specific and practical hands-on help.
Heartfelt prayer in the manner suggested by Dietrich Bonhoeffer: “True spiritual love will speak to Christ about a brother even more than to a brother about Christ.” This includes urging the hurting to draw strength from their own prayer life.
Loving rebuke when it’s clear that hopes need realignment and fear is in the driver’s seat. Paul refers to it as “restoration” in the sense of putting a bone back in joint.
Avoidance of unhelpful patterns such as becoming the “fixer;” delivering a message of false hope; unsympathetic questioning, pushing, condemning, or comparing; and allowing the disability to become anyone’s main identity.
We are called to a life of what Paul Tripp describes as “intentionally intrusive relationships.” When we, as the Body of Christ, bear one another’s burdens in a culture of caring, we put the love of God on display and demonstrate our belief that He can provide strength to help us overcome obstacles and minister with love to those who are hurting. We can “stand and wait,” as we watch the grace of God prevail.
//
This book was provided by Crossway in exchange for my review. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 : “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”
April 16, 2024
Speaking from his experience of living with a painful, debilitating disability, Dave Furman shares biblical examples of friendship and deep care and practically relates them to real life, always pointing to the hope we have in Christ as being the ultimate source of comfort and joy despite circumstances. I was especially encouraged by his wife’s note at the end. Also speaking from her experience of full time caregiving for her family, she gives a gentle reminder that God equips us to do the work he has called us to, sometimes that is sacrificially caring for those who are suffering. When we look outward and upward, that job has eternal purpose.
March 6, 2024
This short book is wonderful. Listening to Dave Furman talk about ministering to those suffering in our midst was both encouraging and convicting for me. There are definitely ways I need to improve in showing love to others who are hurting. Furman is also solid on the gospel, not turning the book into a guilt fest or a legalistic to-do list, but showing how the love of Christ transforms us and enables us to do the often thankless tasks that our brothers and sisters need. I highly recommend this book.
February 25, 2023
“Jesus has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows, and now the Christian is to bear that same cross. We bear one another’s burdens in the church because Christ bore our burdens. When we say that we can’t afford the money or the time to help someone, what we mean is that we don’t want any of that person’s trial to interfere with our lives. We’re not living in light of Jesus as our burden-bearer. If you’re not willing to see yourself burdened by others, you haven’t fully understood Christ as the one who bore your burdens on the cross.”
“It’s easy to do things for others when we expect to receive something from them. But there is nothing distinctly Christian about serving in order to get acclaim, acknowledgement, or recognition.”
Truly one of the best and most convicting books about Christian service, love, and care that I’ve ever read. Dave not only communicates why it is that we serve in light of the gospel, but how, practically, with specific guidelines for what to do or say and what not to do or say! Cannot recommend enough!
“It’s easy to do things for others when we expect to receive something from them. But there is nothing distinctly Christian about serving in order to get acclaim, acknowledgement, or recognition.”
Truly one of the best and most convicting books about Christian service, love, and care that I’ve ever read. Dave not only communicates why it is that we serve in light of the gospel, but how, practically, with specific guidelines for what to do or say and what not to do or say! Cannot recommend enough!
July 25, 2023
Beautiful! Written from the perspective of someone who has and is going through pain and suffering, this book opened my eyes to a lot of things that I'd never thought of before. My view of what is helpful and what is hurtful has definitely been shifted. I'll be revisiting this in the future!
January 20, 2024
A really great book that explores suffering, and how we're to use the strength and gifts God gives us to love those around us through their suffering. It also explored how to talk about Jesus with both Christians and non-Christians alike without it being a bandaid slapped on the situation - how to actually be really thoughtful and helpful as we point them to the hope we have in Christ. I've been encouraged in light of our God who understands since Jesus suffered also. Would recommend this book to anyone, lots of great insights
January 8, 2017
A couple of months ago, I started doing some in depth writing on a Biblical, compassionate response to chronic pain or illness. Ironically, my writing came to an abrupt halt when the very thing I was writing about demanded that it should. I intend to pick that work, which is written from the perspective of the person who is ill, back up again in the coming months. In the meantime, while at a conference, I picked up Dave Furman's new book, Being There: How to Love Those Who Are Hurting. This small book--169 easy-to-read pages, is a treasure of information for those on the other side: The people who know and love the person hurting.
Pastor Dave Furman lives without the use of his arms due to a painful nerve disorder. This has given him keen insight into living with disability as well as compassionate care for the disabled and sick. We likely all have that thing that we find ourselves thinking "if only" about...For Pastor Furman, this was all about having healthy arms. A disability most often demands that your life and choices be dictated by your limitations. From experience I can tell you that this is frustrating and heart-breaking for the person who is ill, but it can also mean bewilderment for loved ones and on-lookers when they don't know how to respond to pain and illness that does not relent.
This book is an excellent help for those people, helping us to understand what to say, and (often more importantly) what not to say. It also helps to diagnose our heart motivations when we seek to help someone. Am I doing this so I can feel good about myself? Am I offering something I think I'm "good at" and ignoring the person's actual need? Have I sacrificed for this person as Christ would have me do, or am I trying to find a way to feel like I've given without my own life being disrupted? Have I met this person's need, or have I simply met my own desire to feel needed or like I've contributed?
My favorite chapter in the book is titled, "Hope for the Hard Conversations." Sometimes, chronically ill people and others who are suffering need to hear hard things. We need to be told that we've lost perspective, that we're being too demanding, that we are seeking our own comfort rather than God's glory, that it's not just our health that's missing the target but our heart too. The place from which to say these things is earned, and can not be assumed. But having earned that position through love, patience, friendship, and accountability, you as their friend and fellow heir in God's kingdom will need to know how to confront the heart attitudes of your suffering friend. This chapter contains a series of questions (originally written by David Powlison) that might be asked to help hurting people reorient what we're worshipping in that moment and get our focus back on Christ.
My second favorite part of the book is titled, "Whatever You Do, Don't Do These Things." This will be incredibly helpful for those who want to "help" but might otherwise fumble their way through conversations and end up making things much worse. Much of what Pastor Furman wrote in this chapter has been on my own heart, and I commend this chapter and the one mentioned above to you especially.
The book ends with a letter from the author's wife, Gloria. It is touching to say the least, but this quote especially struck me: "Friend, you may think you are only refilling medication, filling out paperwork, or writing a note of encouragement, but this is a spiritual war."
I could not agree more. Friend, be ready to take up arms against the darkness that can quickly over-come the heart of a person who often believes hope is gone.
If you are already caring for a sick or disabled person, this book will encourage and strengthen you.
If you are thinking that you'd like to help, but fear bumbling things up or aren't sure what would actually be helpful, this book is an excellent place to start.
Pastor Dave Furman lives without the use of his arms due to a painful nerve disorder. This has given him keen insight into living with disability as well as compassionate care for the disabled and sick. We likely all have that thing that we find ourselves thinking "if only" about...For Pastor Furman, this was all about having healthy arms. A disability most often demands that your life and choices be dictated by your limitations. From experience I can tell you that this is frustrating and heart-breaking for the person who is ill, but it can also mean bewilderment for loved ones and on-lookers when they don't know how to respond to pain and illness that does not relent.
This book is an excellent help for those people, helping us to understand what to say, and (often more importantly) what not to say. It also helps to diagnose our heart motivations when we seek to help someone. Am I doing this so I can feel good about myself? Am I offering something I think I'm "good at" and ignoring the person's actual need? Have I sacrificed for this person as Christ would have me do, or am I trying to find a way to feel like I've given without my own life being disrupted? Have I met this person's need, or have I simply met my own desire to feel needed or like I've contributed?
My favorite chapter in the book is titled, "Hope for the Hard Conversations." Sometimes, chronically ill people and others who are suffering need to hear hard things. We need to be told that we've lost perspective, that we're being too demanding, that we are seeking our own comfort rather than God's glory, that it's not just our health that's missing the target but our heart too. The place from which to say these things is earned, and can not be assumed. But having earned that position through love, patience, friendship, and accountability, you as their friend and fellow heir in God's kingdom will need to know how to confront the heart attitudes of your suffering friend. This chapter contains a series of questions (originally written by David Powlison) that might be asked to help hurting people reorient what we're worshipping in that moment and get our focus back on Christ.
My second favorite part of the book is titled, "Whatever You Do, Don't Do These Things." This will be incredibly helpful for those who want to "help" but might otherwise fumble their way through conversations and end up making things much worse. Much of what Pastor Furman wrote in this chapter has been on my own heart, and I commend this chapter and the one mentioned above to you especially.
The book ends with a letter from the author's wife, Gloria. It is touching to say the least, but this quote especially struck me: "Friend, you may think you are only refilling medication, filling out paperwork, or writing a note of encouragement, but this is a spiritual war."
I could not agree more. Friend, be ready to take up arms against the darkness that can quickly over-come the heart of a person who often believes hope is gone.
If you are already caring for a sick or disabled person, this book will encourage and strengthen you.
If you are thinking that you'd like to help, but fear bumbling things up or aren't sure what would actually be helpful, this book is an excellent place to start.
October 4, 2018
When I think about "being there" for a person during a crisis, I think about a story mother told me. September 1, 1957 my mother's young handsome husband went wade fishing at Galveston. He stepped into a sink hole and drowned. He was in the prime of life. He was an avid outdoorsman. He was an excellent swimmer. Mother was at home fixing dinner and had baked a cake. She and their three children were waiting on him to return, and they'd sit down to eat as a family. He didn't return. Instead, a family friend came to the house to inform mother Walter had drowned. His body had not been recovered. Mother took to her bed. People came and went out of their home. Family cared for the three young children. Three days later his body was recovered. During the those three days mother stayed in bed. The sister of a friend sat beside mother on the bed. This woman never said a word, but mother knew she was there. Mother was comforted by the presence of another person who was quiet and calm.
In the book Being There, the above story I shared is an example of helping another person during a crisis, just quietly being there.
Dave Furman has a health crisis in his life. His story of the crisis, and the things he learned, is passed to the readers.
Furman is transparent in the stages he went through. For example, feeling sorry for self, the thoughts of, "if only."
He states, "weep honestly at the loss we've experienced." He is quick to remind us we have, "hope in our loss." What is that hope? God is always with us, He will not abandon us. Secondly, we have the hope that this life is not all there is, "pain and suffering are not the final word in our lives." We have the hope of eternity with Jesus Christ.
Page 37 held a gem. I loved this teaching: "We are armed with the Spirit of God." Don't be put off by friends who have "negative responses." Be forgiving. Be loving; and remember God's love and grace is never ending.
Chapter eight gives several examples of practical ways to help the suffering.
I read this book prior to another book, Walking with God through Pain and Suffering by Timothy Keller. Both books compliment one another because of a similar theme: the reality of real suffering in this life that is unavoidable.
In the book Being There, the above story I shared is an example of helping another person during a crisis, just quietly being there.
Dave Furman has a health crisis in his life. His story of the crisis, and the things he learned, is passed to the readers.
Furman is transparent in the stages he went through. For example, feeling sorry for self, the thoughts of, "if only."
He states, "weep honestly at the loss we've experienced." He is quick to remind us we have, "hope in our loss." What is that hope? God is always with us, He will not abandon us. Secondly, we have the hope that this life is not all there is, "pain and suffering are not the final word in our lives." We have the hope of eternity with Jesus Christ.
Page 37 held a gem. I loved this teaching: "We are armed with the Spirit of God." Don't be put off by friends who have "negative responses." Be forgiving. Be loving; and remember God's love and grace is never ending.
Chapter eight gives several examples of practical ways to help the suffering.
I read this book prior to another book, Walking with God through Pain and Suffering by Timothy Keller. Both books compliment one another because of a similar theme: the reality of real suffering in this life that is unavoidable.
September 14, 2016
This book is full of encouragement, wisdom, and practical advice on how to care for those around us who are suffering. Everyone would benefit from reading this book. Are you weary of caregiving for a family member? Read it. Have you been hurt by something said by someone who is suffering? Read it. Do you feel unappreciated because of something the person you are providing care for has done? Read it. Do you feel like those around you only say stupid things while trying to support you? Read it. Do you feel like you do not have time for a relationship with God and to also serve in the role of caregiver? Read it. This book will bless your soul and pump you up to continue to do what God has called you to do - bear the burdens of others. It will encourage you to examine yourself and speak wisdom into the life of the one suffering. Why can we care for others so selflessly? Because of the gospel and the author does an outstanding job of keeping the gospel at the center of the encouragement for the caregiver and the encouragement for the one suffering. The perspective of the author as one who is suffering is unique in that the book at times feels like a love letter to his wife - not the mushy type we are used to, but because he is recognizing how God has used her to give him care and grace in his suffering. Relationships centered on suffering are not easy, but because of God, they can be testimonies of God's gospel message to those on the outside looking in. I highly recommend this book to anyone who is currently caregiving or to anyone else because we should all give care to those suffering.
One word of advice - buy several physical copies of the book if ordering from Amazon and enjoy the lower priced Kindle version for yourself. I feel almost certain that you will think of several people that would be blessed by the book and it is handy to have a few copies on hand to hand out.
One word of advice - buy several physical copies of the book if ordering from Amazon and enjoy the lower priced Kindle version for yourself. I feel almost certain that you will think of several people that would be blessed by the book and it is handy to have a few copies on hand to hand out.
March 14, 2018
Se me perguntassem agora mesmo qual livro eu recomendaria a qualquer cristão, certamente seria esse. Tenho pensado bastante sobre o tema e o principal motivo de ter gasto tempo refletindo sobre o assunto foi que Deus, pela sua Graça, abriu meus olhos para o meu próprio pecado de indiferença para com aqueles que sofrem, de indiferença para com os relacionamentos. Em "Lado a Lado", Dave Furman explora de que forma nós podemos ajudar uns aos outros, ao mesmo tempo em que nos alimentamos da palavra de Deus, pois só podemos ajudar enquanto estivermos alicerçados nEle. Meu capítulo preferido foi o mais prático e objetivo: "O que quer que você faça, não faça essas coisas". Nele, Dave aborda 10 formas de NÃO tratar as pessoas que estão sofrendo, e me surpreendi ao ver que eu fazia muitas coisas que talvez pudessem piorar a situação das pessoas que eu estava querendo ajudar. Isso prova que fazer a coisa certa da forma errada pode prejudicar mais do que não fazer nada. Ressalto aqui a importância de estarmos unidos, como igreja local ou universal, atentos para as necessidades e sofrimentos dos nossos irmãos em Cristo (e dos descrentes também), de forma que possamos repassar o que recebemos: consolo, apoio e perdão.
Deixo aqui uma citação do livro que reflete bastante o assunto central:
"Quando dizemos que não temos condições de tempo ou dinheiro para ajudar alguém, o que queremos dizer é que não desejamos que os problemas daquela pessoa interfiram em nossas vidas. Não estamos vivendo à luz da vida de Jesus como exemplo de quem carrega o nosso fardo. Se você não está disposto a se ver sobrecarregado por causa de outros, você não entendeu completamente que Cristo é aquele que carregou os seus fardos na cruz." (Dave Furman, Lado a Lado: Como amar aqueles que estão sofrendo, p. 196)
Deixo aqui uma citação do livro que reflete bastante o assunto central:
"Quando dizemos que não temos condições de tempo ou dinheiro para ajudar alguém, o que queremos dizer é que não desejamos que os problemas daquela pessoa interfiram em nossas vidas. Não estamos vivendo à luz da vida de Jesus como exemplo de quem carrega o nosso fardo. Se você não está disposto a se ver sobrecarregado por causa de outros, você não entendeu completamente que Cristo é aquele que carregou os seus fardos na cruz." (Dave Furman, Lado a Lado: Como amar aqueles que estão sofrendo, p. 196)
January 7, 2018
Dave Furman é um pastor que sofre de uma doença em seus nervos nos braços que o impossibilita de fazer coisas simples como amarrar cadarços, girar maçanetas e até mesmo segurar seus filhos nos braços. Tendo que contar com sua mulher para tudo que exija o uso dos braços, muitas vezes eles sofreram com isso, além das críticas e olhares dos que desconhecem o problema, existiam as próprias lutas internas do casal. Por causa disso, o autor escreve esse livro cheio de relatos pessoais e de acontecimentos que ocorreram ao longo do seu ministério para nos orientar a como lidar com o sofrimento alheio de forma bíblica. É tocante a introdução onde Dave fala de seus problemas e suas lutas, mas onde ele também fala em como sua mulher tem sido uma auxiliadora idônea e fala da fidelidade de Deus em tudo na sua vida, inclusive no sofrimento. Um dos capítulos que mais me chamou atenção foi um onde ele aborda o que evitar quando aconselhamos pessoas que sofrem. Ele aborda 10 atitudes que são comuns de acontecerem, mas que em vez de ajudar a pessoa que precisa acabam atrapalhando o aconselhamento e podem piorar o sofrimento. Vale muito a pena lê-lo e aprender com ele
December 27, 2016
In my experience researching pain I usually come across one of three main players. The Drs that have sound theoretical advice, but fail to have the in-the-trenches experience to address the spiritual burden. The survivors of pain, who often find admirable and effective ways of overcoming their pain, but are not able to accurately map the solution in a way that others could successfully follow. Or the overly mystic and Unbiblically optimistic religious writers. Dave does a remarkable job at avoiding all of these.
The result is an extremely useful manual detailing what God expects from us when dealing with those who are hurting, as well as dealing with our own pain. As well as actually HELPING, which is far less prevalent than most realize.
If you have ever had a well meaning Christian tell you in your time of pain "when God closes a door, he opens a window", and briefly contemplated where That window was so you could push them out of it, don't give up on Gods plan. Read this book.
The result is an extremely useful manual detailing what God expects from us when dealing with those who are hurting, as well as dealing with our own pain. As well as actually HELPING, which is far less prevalent than most realize.
If you have ever had a well meaning Christian tell you in your time of pain "when God closes a door, he opens a window", and briefly contemplated where That window was so you could push them out of it, don't give up on Gods plan. Read this book.
August 19, 2016
We all wield a very powerful instrument in terms of ministering to the grieving. Handled recklessly we can do a lot of damage, but held with care we can be instruments of healing and hope. Dave helps us prepare and practice for the latter. Every page is laced with Good News and practical advice for anyone journeying through their own grief, or walking with a griever.
Dave’s vulnerability from the opening pages makes Being There both practical and accessible for a wide audience. Grief, itself, is emotionally draining enough, but grievers often carry the burden of having to coach others on how to help. Dave’s unique perspective will offer hope to the griever and practical help to the friend of those grieving. At the heart of the book, he addresses false gospels, lies of good news, that have no power to keep their promises, and replaces them with something so much sweeter — the source of everlasting hope, Jesus Christ.
Dave’s vulnerability from the opening pages makes Being There both practical and accessible for a wide audience. Grief, itself, is emotionally draining enough, but grievers often carry the burden of having to coach others on how to help. Dave’s unique perspective will offer hope to the griever and practical help to the friend of those grieving. At the heart of the book, he addresses false gospels, lies of good news, that have no power to keep their promises, and replaces them with something so much sweeter — the source of everlasting hope, Jesus Christ.
January 6, 2025
4.5 stars
This book is worth reading just for the first chapter, "Grieving Your Loss in Another's Pain". It's helpful and encouraging and so important.
A later chapter on things not to do in your attempts to help hurting people is also notably good.
Something I appreciated throughout the book is that friendship is not merely a footnote. What I so often see when someone is suffering is prayers and support for their family, and anyone else gets maaaaaybe a passing reference in a vague comment about "loved ones". Of course we should pray for and support family, but suffering reaches out farther than that, and friends can be deeply affected and in some cases may be carrying most or all the weight of helping. This book consistently and unflinchingly acknowledges that, and I'm grateful.
This book is worth reading just for the first chapter, "Grieving Your Loss in Another's Pain". It's helpful and encouraging and so important.
A later chapter on things not to do in your attempts to help hurting people is also notably good.
Something I appreciated throughout the book is that friendship is not merely a footnote. What I so often see when someone is suffering is prayers and support for their family, and anyone else gets maaaaaybe a passing reference in a vague comment about "loved ones". Of course we should pray for and support family, but suffering reaches out farther than that, and friends can be deeply affected and in some cases may be carrying most or all the weight of helping. This book consistently and unflinchingly acknowledges that, and I'm grateful.
July 9, 2016
This book finally exists. There are many books on suffering and talk to the individual who is suffering. This book however speaks to the people who are caring for the person suffering (be it a spouse, friend, family member, or fellow believer). The wisdom in this book cannot be overstated. The chapters "Having The Hard Conversation" and "10 Things Not To Do" are worth the whole book alone.
This book should be recommended reading everywhere, in all churches. May we help others without hurting them.
This book should be recommended reading everywhere, in all churches. May we help others without hurting them.
August 10, 2017
If you know anyone with chronic health problems, care for someone struggling with cancer or a disease, or have lost a loved one, you should read this book (so, I recommend it to everyone). All too often we enter situations where we don't know what to say or do for someone in pain. Even our well-intended actions can possibly cause more pain. I was encouraged by the thoughtfulness of this book as someone with chronic health problems, and I was also rebuked as someone who could be a better encouragement and help to others.
April 19, 2018
Highly recommend this book! The author writes with transparency as a sufferer and a caregiver. Stand out points - our need to grieve our own suffering as we suffer alongside others and suffering people need the same thing anyone needs...the gospel of Jesus Christ. The chapter on “what not to say to those who are suffering” was absolutely stellar and on target. I want to print that out and give it to everyone. Great book!
April 16, 2018
Being There by Dave Furman was a book that was extremely beneficial to read. It has wonderful insights on how to help your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ as they navigate physical and emotional pain. What I loved most about this book was that it acts as scripturally based guide on how to lovingly point others back to Christ, even in the midst of pain and sorrow.
November 25, 2016
Gospel centered book!
This was an excellent Gospel centered book on how to care for the hurting in your Church. I love how he used Scripture to show us how God empowers us with His grace, and gives practical wisdom on how care.
This was an excellent Gospel centered book on how to care for the hurting in your Church. I love how he used Scripture to show us how God empowers us with His grace, and gives practical wisdom on how care.
April 27, 2017
Being There is a really helpful, practical and honest book about how, as Christians, we can love and support those around us. Being There is full of biblical principles, personal anecdotes and gentle challenge. It was a joy to read and I would recommend it.
April 19, 2018
Excelente!
January 11, 2020
Excellent gospel-centered book on helping, loving and serving those who are hurting (emotionally or physically). The author, himself enduring a decade-long struggle with severe nerve pain in both arms, points the reader to the Gospel as the source and motivation to be able to love the hurting. Anyone interested in ministry, or in simply living out the 'one-anothers' of the gospel in the church should add this to their reading pile. The chapter entitled 'Whatever You Do, Don't Do These Things' alone is worth the price of the book. Anyone who has endured the insensitive words of people trying to 'help', but actually doing the opposite, will resonate with this list of ten no-no's! But, most of us will also see in those ten warnings, things that we ourselves have said or done! The book finishes with an afterward by the author's wife, who has been his primary care-giver, and is an author in her own right. This was really a fitting conclusion to the book, as she has described her failures, her hope, and the source of her strength in the years she has had to care for her husband (while also caring for her young children). It is realistic, and yet hopeful as well! All-in-all, a book worth reading (and re-reading).
May 5, 2024
This was a hard book for me to read. My hope was insight on how to better come alongside someone hurting without trite answers and offerings of help that were 'unhelpful'. I never want to be seen equal to Job's friends in the Bible. There was definitely ONE chapter that did that; "whatever you do, don't do these things" however, since my inner dialogue is "I didn't do enough" no matter how much I have done and I am only now learning to set boundaries. I found myself arguing with this book because it fed that old mindset of mine. That's me. Other people might find it very helpful. I liked this " ...be aware that there is a kind of listening that fails to concentrate on what someone is actually saying. " And later "...and we don't care about what they are really trying to communicate. It's easily noticeable when you are merely looking for a chance to speak" I could read this daily!!! And lastly, "that person may deserve discipline, but we are not the ones who decide or the ones who enact it" so great content if I wasn't fighting myself. 😂 There were also some great examples for people who work on Pastoral Care to better assist hurting people. Would I recommend it? Maybe with a warning if you are like me. Or maybe it was just what I needed for balance. 😊
December 17, 2019
This book was a real blessing. It’s strange how we forget all the unhelpful things we have been told or have been done when we are suffering and usually go right to those very things when we see someone else hurting. Getting into the mind of a person with constant physical and mental suffering gives great perspective of the hurting. The practical chapter on what not to do is truly worth the price of the book. My favorite thing about this book is that is starts with God and who He is which is where we should always begin.
September 2, 2023
A helpful read that the title nails. People in pain need you to be there for them, and for the long term. His humility came across and I appreciated his chapter on "whatever you do, dont do these things".
Quotes I found helpful:
"Our hope is grounded in the past, secure in the future, and available for us today".
"the goal of counselling is not simply to provide specific guidance for the person's problems but to uncover what the heart is worshipping and offer redemptive strategies for struggles".
"A ministry superhero is someone who serves selflessly, invites the compassion of others, and then rejects their help for the sake of pride".
Quotes I found helpful:
"Our hope is grounded in the past, secure in the future, and available for us today".
"the goal of counselling is not simply to provide specific guidance for the person's problems but to uncover what the heart is worshipping and offer redemptive strategies for struggles".
"A ministry superhero is someone who serves selflessly, invites the compassion of others, and then rejects their help for the sake of pride".
July 29, 2022
A very encouraging and practical guide on how to love those who are suffering (whether in large ways or small) while including ways that may be unhelpful for the one suffering. He also highlights the importance of the local church and the importance of serving one another as Christ has served us. I found this to be challenging, encouraging, and a good starting point on what questions to ask, how to respond to those suffering, and how to be Christ-like in my service to the local church.
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