A Christmas Queef

by Asher Dark

Get ready for the most outrageous Christmas story you’ll ever read! 🎄💨

No villain is safe when Sally Claus decides to bring justice to the naughty list.

Packed with dark humor, glittery chaos, and over-the-top gore, A Christmas Queef is a hilariously twisted holiday horror that’s equal parts shocking and satisfying.

Not your typical Christmas tale—this one’s got blood, guts, and a little magic. Perfect for fans of splatterpunk with a festive twist!

Genres: Splatterpunk, Horror

48 pages, Kindle Edition

Published December 20, 2024

Reviews

[Veronica ☠️ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Christmas is coming, and so is Sally Claus! Being Santa Claus' cousin, Sally also has magic. Santa brings presents to good boys and girls, while Sally brings revenge and queefs to the ones who hurt the most innocent. Santa gives her extra magic on Christmas Eve so she can do her job right. Along side with her white reindeer, Glitzy and her elf bestie Tina, it's time to go to work!

It's a busy night for Sally! When she finds her victims, she opens wide, queefs away, and a present pops out. That present is filled with something her victims have always wanted, but with a twist! If you're on Santa's naughty list, expect a visit from Sally!

This was such a fun story. Asher's humour is unmatched, and her stories are always so much fun! I loved the Claus' backstory and how they got to the North Pole. I thought that was a nice touch. All our favourite Christmas characters are here: Santa Claus, his reindeer, frosty, elves! Sally's heart and queefs are always in the right place. The explosion at the end was beautiful! An Easter egg from one of Ashers' other books is in here, and I enjoyed that. If you're looking for a funny, get you in your feels, and short Christmas book, this one's it! Merry Creepmas 🎅

[lolly Storm sparrow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Christmas Carnage!!!

Oh my days! This was hilarious and heinous. Once again Asher tells us a story in her no nonsense way. Which I personally have come to love.
Be good this year or Sally's queefing quim will yield a gift for you.

[Xtina Reads · Rating 5 out of 5]

I went in blind and omg did I have fun!!! I love a unique and creative Xmas tale and Sally Claus delivered!!! (Hehe 🎁)

Merry Fucking Triggers! (Xmas violence, Xmas coochie)

[mamaket · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was most certainly not a silent night.....

Love me some Sally Claus!! A Christmas Queef was such a fun read that was hilarious while still keeping it nice and nasty. This was definitely an auto read for me bc I love Asher's work, she did not disappoint with this one.

Sally serves justice by the form of queefs and "gifts" in the best way to punish those on her naughty list.

[Kimberly Nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

Review time!

A Christmas Queef by Asher Dark

This was such a fun book to listen to! It’s not as naughty as you’d think, but still quite naughty… in a morally good way. 😂 Extremely unique and well worth the time! Thank you for letting me listen to this gem. 🖤

🩸🩸🩸🩸/5

[★彡MeganReads彡★ · Rating 4 out of 5]

FIRST OFF!……Unique story plot

SECOND….This was comical Yet horrifying!

Let me clarify (comical towards the bad men victims). I sincerely felt no remorse for the BASTARDS. I enjoyed this fun quick little read!

THIRDLY…the cover photo is what really reeled me in to read..so GREAT JOB goes to the illustrator as well.

PLEASE CAUTION YOURSELF…there are triggers.

[C.A. Baynam · Rating 5 out of 5]

Asher Dark’s A Christmas Queef is a rollercoaster of hilarity, absurdity, and gore. It’s outrageous, irreverent, and totally unlike anything I’ve encountered in extreme horror. This book is a must-read if you’re looking for a festive splatterpunk fever dream that’ll leave you laughing and cringing in equal measure. 🎄🩸💨

The story follows Sally Claus, Santa’s vengeful cousin from the Winter Courts, who uses her one night of magical empowerment on Christmas Eve to deliver justice (in the most bizarre ways imaginable) to the worst criminals. From abusive parents to dark web predators, no one is safe from Sally’s unique style of punishment.

🚨 Spoiler Alert 🚨
The book wastes no time setting its wild tone. Sally Claus doesn’t make toys—she makes vengeance. Her “Star of Vengeance” identifies the worst offenders based on children’s pleas for help, and she delivers punishment with... unconventional methods. Take the chapter where she uses Frosty the Snowman’s own melting anatomy to humiliate him for his past crimes. Or the iconic scene where she delivers a glittering, queef-produced Christmas present to a monstrous abuser—only for it to explode with cursed army men that destroy him from the inside out.

Sally is an unforgettable protagonist. She’s ruthless, witty, and chaotic. Her ability to turn trauma into power is genuinely empowering, even as the book leans heavily into campy, splatterpunk absurdity. The gore is over-the-top (we’re talking exploding genitalia and murderous toys), but it’s balanced with dark humor and moments of genuine emotional depth.

The villains are irredeemably awful, which makes their punishments all the more satisfying. Nathaniel Karloff, the book’s primary antagonist, is a dark web kingpin responsible for unspeakable atrocities. His demise at the hands of Sally’s magical army men is both grotesque and cathartic.

What I loved most is how the book doesn’t take itself too seriously. The ridiculous scenarios (like Sally queefing out holiday presents) somehow work within the bizarre logic of this world. It’s part horror, dark comedy, and Christmas satire—and somehow, it all comes together beautifully.

If you’re in the mood for something bold, brash, and completely out there, A Christmas Queef is a holiday horror gem. Just don’t expect a traditional Christmas tale—this one’s all blood, guts, and glittery chaos.

#ExtremeHorror #SplatterpunkChristmas #SallyClaus #HolidayHorror #RevengeDoneRight 🎄🩸💨

[Andrew Wilkes · Rating 5 out of 5]

We follow Sally Claus, the cousin of Santa. Sally has a very important job every Christmas Eve. She is a vengeful holiday fae spirit who exacts revenge of horrible human monsters who get sick pleasure out of the pain and suffering of the innocent. With the help of her right hand elf, Tina, and her gorgeous reindeer, Glitzy, Sally is about to make some sick fucks pay, this holiday. Whereas Santa has a magic bag, full of toys for good boys, and girls, Sally has a box full of pain for her victims. And, by box, we mean her cooch. See, Sally has a magical ability, enhanced by the bit of Christmas Magic that Santa allows her, every year. Sally can queef out anything the heart desires. Armed with her musical vagina, she sets out to make sure that she can save as many innocents as possible, but, this year, she has discovered the identity of a monster she has wanted to torture for some time, now, because, he was a main factor in the downfall of a captive that she feels like she had failed, many, many years ago. Will Sally exact revenge of the monster of all monsters? Will it make much of a difference, or, will she have to destroy more, next year, one queef at a time. This was a wild, intense holiday ride! I love a good revenge story, especially against those disgusting people who deserve it. There were bizarre elements to the story, that made it an absolute blast to read, and really holds your attention, throughout! This is one of my favorite Christmas reads, and, will more than likely make this a tradition, every winter season, to go back and reread. I highly recommend this, as this has made me want to check out more from Asher!
5🎄/5

[Phrique · Rating 5 out of 5]

Move over Dickens, Go Gargle Gogol, Eat a bag of Dickens Hoffman. Christmas Queef by Asher Dark is a new contender for the next classic Christmas story. This fanny fluttering fable did the unthinkable, it made me believe in Christmas again. Ok, not really but like…I burned myself out on Xmas horror last year and this is the one that pulled me back & let me finish strong with all the holiday horribleness I didn’t know I needed. Plus, again, that cover is a gift itself.

Quick synopsis:
Sally Claus is kin to a certain world famous ho ho ho, yet she doesn’t get the credit/notoriety she deserves. While the judgmental, jolly one is doling out gifts to the good, Sally is left to hand out the gifts to the bad & she’s not satisfied with just a lump of coal either. I could see that one being REALLY messy anyways. So while Santa has his sack, Sally has her own special receptacle that launches just what these villains deserve. You may not have known her name before this, but you won’t soon forget this firm believer in giving being better than receiving.

Asher Dark has added another rung to the AsherVerse with this merry addition. Told in her signature combination of crude, dark humor paired with bloody comeuppance. This one had throwbacks to Xmas character origins, as well as some nice Easter eggs for past characters we still think about from other AsherVerse stories. Sally herself was a hoot, an instantly likable heroine you could root for. While this was a quick read, it packs a festive punch and also leaves space under the tree for more when Christmas comes parping back around again. 👀 I know what I’ll be asking for next year. 🤞🏽

[Shona · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️
I loved the festive gore 🤗

[Matthew Jon · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Christmas Queef Has More Up its Sleeve than Would Meet the Eye
Book Review: A Christmas Queef - Asher Dark
My Verdict: A campy erotic splatter fest with heart

I know this one is a little out of season, but if Daemon Manx can admit that he just took down his Christmas stuff, then I feel comfortable doing a late-season review of a Christmas horror book!
Occasionally you pick up a book right away because “Why not?!”
This one was another Angel Ramon recommendation when I said I was looking for horror at a steal. I saw the title, I searched it up, saw the cover, and damn near got it then and there, because it really was a steal. Before I got down corralling a list of all the great recommendations everyone was giving me, I ended up picking A Christmas Queef because, “Why the hell not?!”
I knew it was going to be funny, probably a little sexual, and probably a little gory. I was not yet aware of Dark at this time, so I wasn’t EXACTLY sure what I was getting myself into, but I figured the cover told me everything I needed to know. I don’t even think I read the description, to be honest.
There were a handful of books on my digital TBR, so I didn’t get to Dark’s Queef until recently. When I opened it up, I expected some silly good times and not much more than that. But what I got off the bat was a little whimsy, some good world-building, and more heart than I was ready for.
Dark’s voice here, or rather the voice of our protagonist, Sally Claus, takes on a certain punk rock bluntness while still painting a picture of an alternative North Pole that I found fun and easy to get lost in. Dark takes a certain manic glee in twisting and enhancing our once warm and lovely version of the North Pole to a place of dark fantasy.
I think that is what A Christmas Queef really is, a dark fantasy with some elements of extreme/splatter revenge horror. I am of the opinion that all fantasy is a kind of “power fantasy.” We mostly read it to see someone who seems normal achieve great power and then use that power to right some great wrong in the world. This is where A Christmas Queef really hit home for me. Sure, it’s a funny story with some humorous erotic elements. It’s fun.
Both the horror and the heart come from Sally’s motivation. Sally is Santa’s cousin. She has a job like his, where she goes out every Christmas, but where Santa brings presents, Sally brings death to those who hurt children. There is an earnestness and a bluntness when Dark approaches this subject. Sally Claus is a character that I think every hurt child would wish to truly exist.
Sally Claus is not the horror in this story. She is the hero, and certain kinds of people should be very afraid of her. The horror in this story comes from some intense places where the edges of society really lurk. Bad people are doing bad things, and that is putting it extremely lightly.
So here is where I am going to do that thing where I say, if the above sounds good to you and you don’t want to spoil the experience, STOP NOW. Just go get it. Last I checked, it is still a steal. It’s a fun read with more heart than I expected. It makes me want to check out more work by Dark.
For those that don’t mind spoiler-ish territory, I have just a little bit more to say. So, the basic premise and how the queefs come into the picture is pretty fun. Sally goes to these child predators and uses her seductive elf charms on them. While they are hypnotized and horned up, Sally passes gas through that glorious gash until a present pops out, basically birthing her target’s demise. Each present contains something different to kill the intended target. In one case, something happened with Furby that had me laughing at work.
The story has an interesting time balancing whimsy, gritty dark sexuality, horrors that harken back to real-life atrocities, and the heart of wanting to right those wrongs in the world. It is a little raw at times, but I like that punk rock approach of bluntness, extreme style, and heart.

[Angel Medina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've grown to enjoy Asher Darks as a twisted horror author and I mean that in a good way. This one was no exception. It's a splatterpunk title where Sally Claus decides to deliver 'justice' to those naughty men who used others to get where they were. It's filled with dark humor and has my favorite trope where the evil doers get exactly what they deserve.

However, she's not all bad, she also gives to kids who have been nice despite being tortured in their lives. It's a fun Christmas horror story with plenty of gore and guts.

It's a short read but boy does it pack quite the punch.

Ho, ho, ho... Merry Christmas everyone, but if you're naughty you might get more than just coal in your stocking!

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a wild, bizarre but incredibly fun and enjoyable read.

This story follows Santa's cousin Sally who, one day a year, wreaks havoc on all the people who are evil to children. It was wholesome, devastating and absolutely hilarious, all wrapped up nicely with a little bow.

I loved this so much! I read it all in one sitting, couldn't put it down! Anyone who's into the weirder reads, you gotta pick this one up! It had the perfect amount of world building, background story and character building for such a short story. I am beyond excited to jump into more works by Asher Dark!

Thank you so much to Booksprout and the author for and arc of this story!

[Willard Lawson Ray · Rating 5 out of 5]

I recently finished this hilarious little revenge Christmas story by Asher Dark and wow! What a ride!

This bizarre Christmas splatter comedy is a quintessential Asher Dark concoction of well written gore, dark humor and wtf moments. But don't let all that snowy cheer and carnage fool you, this story has a deep message and it delivers it right down your chimney!

The narrator of this audiobook absolutely delivers! His tone will lull you into the Christmas cheer, even through the scenes that have you clutching your snowballs!

[Tabatha_Reads_Books · Rating 5 out of 5]

ok now hear me out

Though the “queef” thing is kind of weird, it makes more sense when you read the story. I like the premise of the story and the purpose, I even enjoyed how the author wrote the gorey parts of the story. I am actually looking forward to a sequel or more stories from Sally Clause (even with the weird queefing thing).

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Christmas Queef is a super quick and super fun read. It follows Sally Claus on her Christmas Eve activities. Like her cousin Santa, Sally takes care of the children of the world. Instead of gifts and joy, Sally dishes out justice. This book packs a hell of a punch in minimal pages, and I can’t wait to see what Sally does next!

[sugarnsass_reads · Rating 3 out of 5]

Frosty, Santa, Rudolf, Sally and Glitzy. 🎄🎅🦌⛄️❄️ A holiday horror with bizarre, twisted, reimaginings of some beloved Christmas characters and their new friends. Sally Claus doles out gifts of just deserts from her magical ‘purse’ on Christmas Eve. Naughty Adults beware! Sally Claus is coming to town and she got game! Festive Folly Fun!!

[Brianna Bello · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was hilarious but also disgusting. I honestly LOVED it. I loved the concept. Sally is saving children from horrific acts. In a really weird way but thoroughly enjoyable. I will definitely be reading more of Asher’s books!

[Angelique Jordonna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Queefs and wet boxes, what's not to love. Oh, and helping those in need in the best way possible.A hero with the gift of queef. It's a fun little story that will have you laughing and perhaps gagging a bit.

[Elle and the Haunted Library · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this book. I honestly did not what i the world to expect but I laughed so hard I cried at some points because of how absolutely surprising this entire read was.

I received a free copy of this book and am voluntarily leaving a review.

[Lucille Bransfield · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ok… I love Christmas, I love horror, I love revenge books!!!! This is all that and more. For a quick novella it packs a punch. I bought this at Scares that Care presents Killer Pride. I hope I find this author again and eat up some more books.

[Bigbookgeek · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very sick, gross, and funny, this was a great Christmas story. Sally Claus, Santa’s cousin, goes out on Christmas Eve and enacts deadly vengeance on pedos! The title says it all, but leaves i to ou wondering just what the “Q” does. Check it out and see!

[Holly Arkle · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 ⭐-

I genuinely didn't expect much going into this, but I actually loved it! Hilarious in some parts, but also very brutal and full of female rage and an amazing revenge plot! Definitely check your trigger warnings before reading this but I really enjoyed this one!

[LADY BUGG]

What the hell did I just read 👀🤣

[Amethyst Maxey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you for the ARC. This novella was a quick read with a tad bit of gore and explicit content. It was fun mixing it with a holiday we all love; Christmas.