2023/109
Was he handsome or not? Perhaps his big, green eyes that usually lit up his features, or maybe his genuine, contagious smile—he used to smile even when his eyes showed the sadness in his soul—were the cause of my falling head over heels for him. I met him the first day in Greek class during my second year in college (2015); that day it never crossed my mind that he would become someone I used to care for. We were not even friends about one year after, but rather just two classmates whose passion for the Greek language and culture was beyond explanation, nor did I imagine he would be into guys as well. It was not until the end of our second semester when I bumped into him while going to the subway. He was going there too, apparently was late for a dentist appointment or something of that kind. He was carrying a book in his hands, I noticed. 'Stephen King?,' I said, after a long pause when neither he nor I were able to strike up a conversation. 'I have only read It, and it took me almost six months to finally finish it. A good book, don't you think?' 'Absolutely! Oswaldo,' he said, 'I never thought you would be into SK. I'm reading this, halfway through it, but taking my time.' As soon as he said that, he showed me a paperback edition of Cujo and I took it, then proceeded to read the blurb. 'I have noticed that you always have a book with you, M., I wish I could read as much as you do, you know, it seems like a nice hobby,' said I. Before we arrived at the subway station he had told me he had read 35-ish King's books, apparently his favorite author, and that he could recommend some of his novels to kick off my own journey having read It, 'see you later, Oswaldo, are you going into the station? I'm going this way.' Later that day, for some reason I couldn't explain back then I knew he would become someone special to me; I wasn't sure why or how, but I somehow knew it. I had started to feel something for him.
It was by the end of our fourth semester, and after what it seemed a genuine friendship between the two of us—not only had I asked for his number and talked to him via Facebook, iMessage, and whatnot, but we had also had some face-to-face conversations for the past ten months, sometimes randomly, and at times eating a snack before class, doing some homework in the library, and the like—that he told me he was Jewish. It was completely out of the blue; we hadn't been talking about anything that might've led us to that particular topic. He just said it while waiting outside of the building where we took class together. 'I must confess I'm such an ignorant person regarding Jewish people; the only thing I know is that they are super rich,' I laughed, thinking I had just told the perfect joke. 'That is... very stereotypical, Oswaldo, though it is true. I mean, my parents are rich, not me, but whatever,' M. said, smiling as he always did. 'The thing is that my mother can't bear the idea of my being gay, she has never been able to accept it, and our relationship has been very dry ever since I told her. She found out, actually, but in the end nothing changed.' 'So sorry to hear that. For what it's worth, my coming out to my parents was not all "color de rosa"[1] at the beginning, I mean, eventually they supported me through this, but my mother thought I might be confused as I was 15 when I told them. I guess it's always difficult for our parents somehow. But, does your mother not accepting your being gay have something to do with being Jewish?' He didn't respond at once, but after a moment he said 'yeah, I guess so. She cares about things that are too banal, for me at least. For instance, I couldn't eat pork growing up, then I didn't care, I tried it, my mother found out and was mad at me for weeks. She takes Jewish life too seriously, which is not how it works for me. I guess being Jewish and gay is not a good combination after all.' No sooner had he said that, chuckling, than our professor Anny, a cheerful woman from Πειραιάς who always greeted her students with a friendly grin on her face, suddenly arrived at the place we were and after saying 'γεια σας παιδιά!' went directly to our classroom. We followed her and said no word on the topic we were concerned about. We had no words to say.
Later in winter that year, one very cold day when living in Mexico City seemed the worst decision I could've ever made, we were in Greek class, when suddenly Anny said: 'Παιδιά, θα ήθελα να δούμε τον διάλογο στην σελίδα --- στο βιβλίο μας, πρέπει να το διαβάσετε με τον συμμαθητή σας δίπλα σας. Αρχίζουμε;'[2] Fortunately for me, I happened to be seated next to M. that day. In the middle of our activity, I asked him a stupid question, or it seemed to be a stupid one back then: 'so, you don't celebrate Christmas, do you?' I had said to M. that Christmas is for me the most special tradition and the best one ever created—no discussion allowed—and that singing carols was a thing at home, especially back in the day when I was a little child. Sometimes my mother and I would sing carols with other people in our block, carrying candles while roaming the streets of our little town. Only the moon and our candles to guide our path. Hardly had I asked my question when M. stared at me as if saying "what's wrong with this guy." 'My family doesn't celebrate it per se, as for me, I usually celebrate with friends and with my boyfriend, ex-boyfriend actually. I used to spend Christmas with him and his family, but now I'm just chilling at home, having dinner, and watching movies. Not that much. Are you going to ask me now if I had my own Bar mitzvah? If we celebrate Hanukkah? The Sabbath? The Jewish New Year? Seriously, what's wrong with you?'
I was speechless. I couldn't even give him a proper answer. What was I thinking? Asking random questions just because he is Jewish? I could tell why he was so angry, so upset that I might be asking this and that. I knew he didn't like the idea of being Jewish, not because he was ashamed of being who he was, but because of that he and his family were not that close. One day he told me about his father. 'He doesn't live with us,' he said, looking at the horizon one afternoon while we were in Las Islas, the beautiful, central gardens of our college. 'He left a long time ago when I was eight, probably nine. I see him only a few times during the year. Three, four times, maybe. He has another family, and it's none of my business.' That was the story, then. An estranged father and a mother who couldn't even look his son straight in the eye. I wanted to hug him so badly, but I couldn't. On the one hand, I was very much into him those days, I wanted us to be more than just friends, maybe not lovers, but I wanted him to see me as someone you can rely on; alas, it was not possible for any of us. On the other hand, I just hoped to forget that I had some feelings for him, not romantic ones, just feelings. I wanted to get rid of them before it was too late for me, for us; I was also broken, and I knew I couldn't help him, as much as I knew he couldn't help me either.
When reading Daniel Deronda I couldn't help but remember my friend M. as George Eliot introduces some characters who are dealing with the fact that they are Jewish. I saw how, in the story, people might be so judgmental about it, how they are so rude to people just because of the fact of being Jewish. 'That's why I never said to people that I'm Jewish,' M. told me the day after I asked that stupid question. 'Because either people look at me as though I were an outlandish piece of s**t, or they ask me questions, albeit amicably, as though I were an outlandish piece of s**t. I just don't like that. I'm not asking you questions about your Catholic life, am I?' 'Actually I'm not religious, but I get your point. I'm sorry. It must be difficult, and I promise I won't ask anything related to that again.' A promise I kept until the last time we talked.
Eliot is not only able to perfectly depict her characters and their storylines, but also she manages to create a very complex world in Daniel Deronda, where many plots converge in the same path, with not only one, but two main characters. Daniel Deronda, who is a young man trying to find out who he is and where he is at this point in life, and Gwendolen Harleth, a 'spoiled child'[3] who is so ahead of her time, but whose decisions might lead her life in the wrong direction. Reading—listening to[4]—their stories is one of the best experiences, literature-wise, I've had this year, and Daniel Deronda has definitely become my favorite George Eliot novel thus far. As far as Victorian books go, it is furthermore one of the most enjoyable readings, mainly because Eliot's narrative is at its finest. She definitely pulled it off.
In the summer of 2018, when we were about to take our final exam and conclude our Greek course after three years, M. told me there would be a bar mitzvah ceremony in two weeks, it would be his second cousin's. Our friendship had been fading away in the past months, perhaps in the past year, and we were not even as close as we used to be in the middle of our Greek adventure. He invited me, I guess just because he felt he owed me something after all these years of friendship. I thought it was that way because his invitation came out of the blue after many days of dead silence between us. I was also sure he knew about my feelings for him the previous year, but we never talked about it. Anyhow, I couldn't make it. I had to leave Mexico City and go to Buenos Aires within a month, and my life was upside down at that time. I wish I could go and see what this tradition is like by myself, but alas, it is not possible. That was, perhaps, one of the last times I saw M.—maybe the last one—that I can recollect; at least I didn't see him after taking our exam that day, our last day in that classroom that had been our 'Greek home' for the past three years, a starry night in June that I still remember so vividly and that reminds me of him—we don't have many starry nights in Mexico City, that's why they are so special. By the day I'm typing this review, I have neither seen nor heard from my dear friend, but I guess by now it would be too late to say 'γεια σου, τι κάνεις;' to him again. Clearly and unmistakably, he was handsome indeed.
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[1] a Spanish saying that means, albeit not literally, 'sunshine and rainbows.'
[2] 'Guys, I'd like you to go to the dialogue on page ---- in our book, you must read it with your classmate who is next to you. Shall we start?'
[3] Whether she is a spoiled child or not is up to the reader. We had a very good discussion on this topic in our book club, where two people concluded she was indeed a spoiled child and two said she wasn't. Let's find it out.
[4] Audiobook recommendation: the one narrated by Jill Tanner. A hidden gem on Audible.
My rating on a scale of 1 to 5:
Quality of writing [5/5]
Pace [4/5]
Plot development [4.5/5]
Characters [5/5]
Enjoyability [5/5]
Insightfulness [5/5]
Easy of reading [4.5/5]
Photos/Illustrations [N/A]
Total [33/7] = 4.71