Untangling the Knot: Queer Voices on Marriage, Relationships & Identity

by Carter Sickels (Editor)

Untangling the Knot: Marriage, Relationships & Identity, an anthology of essays and creative nonfiction, delves past the mainstream focus on marriage equality beyond the knot to examine the broad scope of issues facing members of the LGBTQ community. The collection sheds light on what marriage equality actually means for queer communities.

By confronting the concept of tradition through personal discourse, this volume seeks to create conversation amongst the diverse members of the LGBTQ community and their straight allies to prompt a larger, grander, and more realistic vision of what marriage equality really means for those living in the United States. Untangling the Knot: Marriage, Relationships & Identity includes the voices of many individuals who are underrepresented in the modern discourse surrounding LGBTQ rights, and these unique perspectives may change the direction of that conversation for good.

Genres: Queer, Nonfiction, Essays, LGBT, Adult, Social Justice

248 pages, Paperback

First published February 28, 2015

About the author

Carter Sickels is the author of THE PRETTIEST STAR (Hub City Press, 2020) and THE EVENING HOUR (Bloomsbury 2012), an Oregon Book Award finalist and a Lambda Literary Award finalist. His essays and fiction have appeared or are forthcoming in various publications, including Guernica, Bellevue Literary Review, Green Mountains Review, and BuzzFeed. Carter is the recipient of the 2013 Lambda Literary Emerging Writer Award.

Reviews

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Untangling the Knot: Queer Voices on Marriage, Relationships, and Identity is a compilation of essays written by those who identify as queer and gender non-conforming on the subjects of marriage, family, and relationships, and it provides insightful commentary and necessary perspectives on the issues surrounding marriage equality. Although the book isn’t necessarily focused on Pacific Northwest issues, as most Ooligan Press titles do, it does feature authors from the northwest and from eastern Washington specifically. I found this particularly interesting because I have grown up near two of the locations mentioned (Waitsburg and Walla Walla, Washington) and I have often wondered about what it will take for the rural, conservative part of the state to accept and foster LGBTQ youth in the future generations. As a cisgender, heterosexual women who strives to be an ally to marginalized groups, this anthology was instrumental in giving me a better, more-rounded look into the many different ways marriage equality is viewed among those in the LGBTQ community. For instance, ever since voting to pass R-74 that legalized same-sex marriage in Washington, I thought this was a huge win for LGBTQ couples; however, the multitude of perspectives showcased in Untangling the Knot reveal otherwise and show a more nuanced debate behind the whole issue. Furthermore, this book’s discussion of what it means to be a family was enlightening, because it is all too often easy to think of the 1950s definition of family: man, wife, and biological children, when in reality this is rarely what makes up a family today. I’d recommend this book to anyone who wants to be an LGBTQ ally, or anyone simply thinking through what it means to be a family.

[Billie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not all of the essays worked for me stylistically, but each one provided me with a new perspective and new points to ponder. In the end, what I took from this book is that marriage equality is important, but it is by no means the most important and certainly not the only issue facing the LGBTQIA community. The Supreme Court's affirmation of marriage equality is an important step, but by no means should we, as a society, view the fight for equality as having been won--not for the LGBTQIA community, not for persons of color, not for women.

[Eileen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I remember the legalization of gay marriage in Oregon, coming a few years after the legalization in Washington, my own home state. I was 11 when Washington legalized, and 14 when Oregon followed suit; at 14, I was much more able to wonder at and recognize the world around me, but little literature on this part of the world was accessible to me at the time—if I wondered what gay relationships looked like, and what they meant for myself and for my society, I had to rely on an extremely small canon of novels and collected works. Small in comparison to nowadays, at least. In the month of June 2021, we are lucky to have books—and have access to books—that mark our important moments, and that shine a light on what for a very long time was (and in some cases does remain) reduced to stereotypes and cautionary tales. Legal or not, the "issue" of gay (or LGBT+) marriage—socially, politically, and personally—remains complex and nuanced, different from and similar to straight relationships in myriad ways. Untangling the Knot takes a deserved and investigative look at LGBT+ relationships, presenting many important and insightful stories from capable writers. It helps to fill a gap in our literature and thought, and to challenge and enrich our perceptions and expectations of LGBT+ relationships.

I think it's excellent and exciting to see a book like this from Ooligan, and even though it isn't a new release, it's just as relevant and important now as it ever could be.

[Tatiana · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the things I love about books is the ability to read all the thoughts you've had but written elegantly, clearly, and with all the backup facts. Oh, and that lovely feeling of knowing you're not alone, that the HRC's mighty sphere of influence doesn't speak for all of us, that there are people still fighting for the idea that marriage can and should be only one option of officially recognized relationships and that queers and trans people don't all have to fit in a box we never wanted. And for reals, creating legal hierarchy of relationships is idiotic, non-socialized medicine is asinine, and I should be able to get my brother health insurance, or give my best friend my cats when I die without 30 forms and bureaucratic nightmares.

[Roberta · Rating 5 out of 5]

Originally posted on Roberta's Literary Ramblings

Equality doesn’t stop at marriage, and this collection of short stories written by under-represented voices in the LGBTQ community bring this fact out into the open. Edited by Carter Sickles, and with stories by Ariel Gore, Trish Bendix and many other talented LGBTQ writers, this anthology brings to our attention the many obstacles that are still to come in the fight for equality.

While we celebrate the fact that marriage equality is quickly gaining its footing in most states, this anthology points out that the fight is not over. Many in the LGBTQ community have had to fight for a voice in the growing LGBTQ conversation and this books allows those voices to speak out.

In the struggle to convince Americans that families that consist of lesbian and gay couples are, “just like straight couples,” we have ignored the fact that not all families function in the “traditional” format, and in fact, many don’t. And don’t want to. Making the assumption that all families want to function in the same way does more harm than good, and while it is amazing that many gay couples are now able to be married like they have always wanted, there are many others who are forced to ask, “Well, what about us?”

This eye-opening collection will make you question your own assumptions of how families work in today’s society and ask some important questions. How can we better able help families who do not fit into the traditional framework of “family” with healthcare benefits? How can I help change how society views transsexuals, not just at home, but in the workplace?

No matter how much you believe you know about the lives of those in the LGBTQ community, you will learn something new from this book. Whether it be difficulties in finding and keeping employment for transsexuals because of discrimination or how complicated the healthcare system can be to navigate for non-traditional families, there is so much to learn within its pages.

I would recommend this book not only to those in the LGBTQ community, but to their allies. I recommend it to anybody who believes in equality for all. And then I recommend that you share what you learn from this book with those who are not allies and possibly change their minds.

[Jess · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gay marriage has been one of the defining fights of the gay rights movement, and this book brings honest, insightful commentary about that topic from the people whose opinions on this subject matter the most: The LGBTQ community. It's not so cut and dry, and the opinions are diverse - you may not expect them to be regarding the topic - and each of these writings gives the reader a lot to think about life, marriage, culture, domestic partnership, and what it means to be queer today. This book is an important read, especially in today's political climate, and is a valuable addition to any collection.

[Alyssa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Untangling the Knot is a worthwhile read. Just because the LGBTQ community gets marriage equality does not fix all of their issues. It will not fix how people view them and it will not change the prejudices they encounter. This anthology is a must read, especially after everything that has happened this year. Each essay/ story is moving.

[Pj Zettle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This collection of essays is a vital mix of personal meditation, critical inquiry, and history that zooms in on the affective relationship between the institutions of families and queer individuals. The collection is various in its form, which is important, considering the richness and variety of experiences and perspectives is essential to the unpacking of queer cultural resistance. The collection shines when it embraces hybridity in all shapes; never quite being critical research, never quite being a memoir, never quite reaching one stable ending. The willingness for this collection to move into the territory of vulnerability, of the critical assessment of one's own experiences, allows for a richness in content that opens doors for further research and consideration. For example, the idea of a "queer" familial structure in opposition to models of patriarchy that are embedded within the traditional nuclear family may seem foreign to some, but after reading about the idea in this collection, it may seem downright logical. Furthermore, the connections between the LGBTQ movement in its different iterations and other movements for civil rights (Feminist, Black Power), especially in the legal world, provides a very important context for the fights that activists face. Overall, this book is not only an interesting and captivating read, but also a brutally relevant one.

[Hanna Ziegler · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's not the book I expected to read, not even close, but the experience was better for the surprise. What I expected was a discussion on why everyone in the LGBTQ community is or should be advocating ferociously for the right to marry. There are elements of that here, people wanting it for a variety of reasons, but what I had NOT expected was to spend most of the book reading about why people DIDN'T want it. In hindsight, I shouldn't have been surprised by the range of opinions that fill these pages. How many times have we all been told that everything is a spectrum, with an infinite amount of points separating what we consider to be binary and opposing ideas? How often have I myself used the argument? (The answer: a lot.) Despite what should have been obvious to me at the beginning, this book really opened my eyes, all starting with the first essay, a conversation about family unlike any I'd heard or read before. It takes the 'found family' that I myself know and love and expands it in directions that can only be defined as 'complicated'. I never knew how necessary that conversation was until this book sat me down and had it with me, and I know more than a few people who would benefit from having that conversation with this book.

[Katie Fairchild · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Untangling the Knot" is a beautiful, eye-opening collection of essays from queer folks looking at the political and social stigma surrounding same-sex marriage. While same-sex marriage is now legal nationwide, many of these essays were penned before the decision came down, giving a unique set of perspectives from not only those who strongly believe in the right to marry but also those who were opposed to it for some reason or another. There's a specific emphasis on voices who fall through the cracks, and this wide variety of voices paints a larger picture of the modern LGBTQ+ community than the standard gay, often male, almost certainly white image of queerness that is so present in modern media.

As a young queer woman, a lot of the essays ring true to me, but perhaps nothing describes the modern queer struggle more than this quote by Pamela Helberg: "Coming out isn’t just a one-time event. Coming out happens over and over and over again, every day, every week, every month."

[Julie Swearingen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Untangling the Knot is a beautiful compilation of essays that offers wonderful perspectives on issues that are as relevant today as they were when published in 2015. In fact, they are even more so, given our current political climate. I found myself connecting to the authors of these essays in ways I wasn't expecting: feeling like the misunderstood tomboy, wanting to explore relationships that may be considered outside the norm, and not wanting to get married because "it's what people do." In this connection, these authors were then able to help me understand the differences they are exploring, so that we can be better allies to these communities.
I especially loved "We Are Not “Just Like Everyone Else” How the Gay Marriage Movement Fails Queer Families." The authors "atypical" family feels like the family we all should strive for: people who love and are loved, whether by blood or choice.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Untangling the Knot gives voice to members of the LGBTQ community and their experiences, ranging from childhood to adulthood. It puts into perspective the triumphs following marriage equality and the pitfalls that remains within the lasting stigmatization of the queer experience. I recommend this book to anyone (in or outside the LGBTQ spectrum) who wishes to gain an understanding of what it is like to be queer in America.

[Jessie Wheeler · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some were better written than others.

[Andrea Stoeckel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Considering everything that has happened since this book was compiled,and as LGBTQIA2S myself,at 65 I see this as first person histories and am glad to have read it. Highly Recommended 5/5

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wish there had been more polyamorous and disability representation in this book.

[Brandon Sanford · Rating 4 out of 5]

I attended the book launch for Untangling the Knot. Ben Anderson-Nathe was the first to read, just as his is the first essay to launch the novel. His reading was a rant stridently accusing every supporter of the gay marriage equality movement of failing queer families. I was impressed with his arrogance, anger, and entitlement. To paraphrase someone, it was as if he were to run through a cancer benefit screaming at the top of his lungs “this isn’t my disease, so you shouldn’t support it!” Anderson-Nathe’s sole concern is his family: If the political movement doesn’t target his situation specifically, it’s worthless. If a person were to disagree with Anderson-Nathe about how to proceed pursuing gay rights, then that person is “discriminatory.”
This is a terrible story with which to begin Untangling the Knot, because it doesn’t represent what the book--a collection of essays analyzing marriage and queer identity--is really about.
Most of the stories and essays are heartfelt explorations of how the institution of marriage has impacted the author. Some are joyous, or at least bittersweet; many have been wounded by the institution of marriage and seek to understand their place in it, or question the current marriage structure. There are others like Anderson-Nathe’s essay that don’t have any tolerance for social issues that don’t specifically address the author’s life and issues, or which blame marriage equality with a number of imaginary sins, such as DeFelippis’ article, which seems to blame the marriage equality movement for states getting rid of domestic partnership (a more reasonable essay would have targeted the ire at the state governments that are actually changing the laws). Still, several of the essays brought me close to tears; some because I have lived that experience in my own way; some because these strangers in strange situations made me feel their pain, and I hurt for them. Some of my favorites: Gore’s “We Were a Pretty Picture,” which looks at patriarchy, misogyny and divorce; Royster’s “Changing My Mind,” which shows both the bad and good of marriage; Rice’s “We’re Not Going Anywhere,” which ends with two paragraphs that will eternally make my heart ache and my eyes to tear; Romero’s “Allegiance to Scarcity,” which looks at the culture of marriage in Mexico; and Pham’s “Bê Ðê Pride,” which tells the story of how Pham’s family has dealt with homosexuality and of Vietnam’s progression on gay rights.
To return to the book launch, I left the event talking with my partner about Anderson-Nathe’s reading and how it pissed us off. To be fair, this does have worth: we were talking about the issues Anderson-Nathe wanted us to talk about, and just because we disliked Anderson-Nathe, we still discussed topics with an open mind. But I would not expect everyone to look past the anger and consider the issues, and when I recently bought a copy of the book for a friend of mine, I felt the need to give it to her with a disclaimer: not all the essays are full of hate and anger; look past them, give the book a chance.
And I repeat that disclaimer here: many of the essays contained within Untangling the Knot are antagonist. I would have rather the essay collection taken a tone of celebration for what seems to me a miracle; growing up, I certainly never thought I would have the right to marry during my lifetime. I would have liked the essays to ask, “What next?” instead of pointing fingers and assigning blame to other queer families about how they aren’t valuing the right things; about how they’re not queer in the right way. But forgive the anger you encounter. It’s understandable. And these are voices that need to be heard.

[Jasmine Gower · Rating 5 out of 5]

Untangling the Knot is a collection of essays by queer authors written in response to the marriage equality movement, specifically addressing the ways in which that movement has failed queer communities. For the sake of context: the forward of this book specifies it was published shortly after same-sex marriage was legalized in Oregon (the state in which the publisher is located.) I am writing this in 2017, after the federal Supreme Court ruling legalizing same-sex marriage. I’m also queer and using the term “same-sex marriage” here specifically because the wording of the Supreme Court’s ruling is not actually inclusive of queer folk like myself, so I have a difficult time conceptualizing the ruling as a defense of “marriage equality.”

That said, Untangling the Knot’s critiques of the marriage equality movement from multiple queer perspectives are fascinating reads on the failures of the movement that seem almost prophetic even in only a few years’ retrospect. From matters of health care, polyamory, transmisogyny, and bullying, these different essays address a number of issues that pose very immediate dangers to queer Americans that have been pushed aside in the race to achieve access to legal marriage for (overwhelmingly white, cisgender, upper-class, abled) queer folks. With about 25 essays included, the style, themes, and writing quality of each essay naturally differs, but they are all accessible reads and profound commentary in their own right.

I was particularly struck by the first essay, Ben Anderson-Nathe’s “We Are Not ‘Just Like Everyone Else’”, which draws attention to the marriage equality movement’s focus on mimicking heteronormative performances of marital unions, and Ryka Aoki’s “Sakura, Ayame, and a Cotton Judogi”, which explores how the marriage equality movement’s mission is unrelatable and inaccessible to the author as an Asian trans woman and survivor of child abuse, and to anyone else who does not define their queerness by their desire to marry. These two essays were both beautifully written, emotionally unfiltered, and compassionately and logically dissected the marriage equality movement’s motives and disregard for queer communities that are not served by their movement’s goals. This line for Aoki’s piece, I feel, elegantly summarizes the central thesis of Untangling the Knot: “Even when the LGBTQ mother ship rises toward its goal of total marriage equality, there will still be everyone who is unwilling, unable, or who have created different way to express love or commitment or trust. And they will still be queer.”

As anti-queer politics in America increasingly turn away from opposing marriage equality and focus their assaults on transgender issues, Untangling the Knot is a required reading for queer Americans and their allies who need to understand what battles for queer communities still need to be fought.

[Kyra · Rating 4 out of 5]

I recently finished reading Untangling the Knot: Queer Voices on Marriage, Relationships & Identity. It's an anthology of essays written by members of the LGBTQ community that shed light on issues that are just as important, if not more important, than marriage equality. If you're thinking to yourself, "I'm not gay, so it won't resonate with me," then I encourage you to reconsider. Take it from me.

Untangling the Knot: Queer Voices on Marriage, Relationships & Identity discusses topics that I wish more people were aware of. Some authors discuss the reality that families do not have to be nuclear, that they most certainly can be, as Ben Anderson-Nathe puts it, "deliberately and deliciously not like everyone else's." It's a relief to read that I am not alone in believing that marriage is not the biggest issue at hand, that relationships do not have to fit a "traditional" structure, nor do we have to fight to make them conform to antiquated beliefs and values, to normalize our beloved relationships. More importantly, many essays recognize and stress there are other issues that need to be addressed, some examples, as Fabian Romero lists, are teen homelessness, healthcare, and violence towards transgender men and women. Other authors discuss the challenging and life-threatening years when being gay could mean ending up institutionalized, beaten to death, or ostracized. Where I'm from, if you were different, you were a target. In some places, you still are. I have friends that waited until they moved out of the state to come out or to live their lives the way they'd always wanted to but couldn't. Just because it is legal for those of the same sex to marry, doesn't mean that long-standing hatred will immediately change. As Pamela Helberg puts it, you "need more than just the law on [your] side."

Untangling the Knot doesn't argue that marriage equality isn't important or beneficial. The essays challenge the reader--queer or straight--to acknowledge that there are issues plaguing the LGBTQ communities other than marriage equality. It encourages the reader to consider that while marriage is a desire for some, for others it isn't a concern at all. Walking down the street holding hands with their partner and not fearing for their lives is a more immediate desire than having the state recognize their relationship as legitimate. Having healthcare coverage when you're sick and potentially dying, and/or providing shelters for queer youths when they are kicked out of their homes, are issues that are often times overlooked. Untangling the Knot is a book that all should read, regardless of they ways in which you identify yourself.

[Gloria Mulvihill · Rating 4 out of 5]

This books comes in a timely manner--marriage equality is finally coming to pass in many states here in the US and across the world. Those who identify as something other than straight are finally being given the respect and consideration they deserve.

Or are they?

I must admit that I went into this book with completely different expectations than what was actually delivered. I have long been a strong proponent for marriage equality for those in the LGBTQ community. My illusions of happy matrimony for all were blurred with the introduction, and completely dismantled after the first story. I was struck by the honesty in the introduction, where Carter Sickels writes that this collection, while a positive effort and contribution, still has much work to be done. Sickels points out that a wider demographic must be reached.Their opinions and thoughts must be heard. Yet, the collection is one more step, one more piece of education, of support, for a community that desperately needs to be heard.

Here, we have those in this community who are begging us to consider those who might not be part of the traditional "nuclear" family, or perhaps don't wish to be considered "married" in the sense that a straight couple would be. What the authors of this book are arguing for is fair treatment and recognition for the fact that not all families are built the same. This does not make them any less important, any less loving or any less deserving of the many benefits that the US gives to couples who have been deemed legally bound. Marriage as an institution works for many people, yet for a large population its strict confines prevent a significant other from receiving health benefits, from parenting their children, from visiting their loved ones in a hospital or nursing home, and so much more.

What these authors and these stories do is present a wide spread of stories and opinions on a topic that the media and politics likes to present as an either-or: you are either against marriage equality, or you are for it. Just as gender doesn't exist in the dualistic sense that we have been molded and taught since birth, a loving family can exist outside of a traditional marriage. And that is ok. It is wonderful and inspiring.

The fear, harassment, judgement, bullying that many in this community still feel is evident in these stories. Yet these are also tales full of hope, love, and dreams. Please do pick this book up, read it, read it again, share it with a friend, your family. It is truly a phenomenal collection.

[Lena Baisden-tankut · Rating 5 out of 5]

Untangling the Knot is a collection of LGBTQ essays that presents an array of supporting and dissenting stances on the struggle for marriage equality from writers within queer communities. From political to personal, this collection illustrates the consequences of non-dominant groups conforming to the dominant institution of marriage: who is affected, whose goals are supported and who is further marginalized in the process.

My favorite essay is the first: Ben Anderson-Nathe’s “We are not ‘Just Like Everyone Else.’” Anderson-Nathe begins the essay by depicting an event he attended supporting the “final frontier of gay equality: marriage.” He explains that marriage equality is predicated on the concept that gay relationships are the same as straight relationships and to recognize one but not the other is discriminatory. Anderson-Nathe yanks the rug out from under this argument: he writes, “My queer family is most certainly not ‘just like any other.’” He continues, “We have developed creative and adaptive structures for our relationships and families—partly out of necessity and partly out of the freedom that comes from being outside the parameters of that which is ‘normal.’”

Anderson-Nathe contrasts his family to those of “two-person, monogamous, economically independent relationships.” When he was an adolescent, his father came out as a gay man, his biological parents divorced but stayed active in each other's lives, and his father moved in with the man Anderson-Nathe called his stepfather. His father and stepfather ended their relationship after a few years but continued to live together and support each other financially and emotionally. In 1995, his father passed away and when his stepfather became ill a year later without access to healthcare, his mother--in a long-term relationship with another man--married his stepfather to share her health benefits. As an adult, Anderson-Nathe has created a family unit that reflects the same degree of creativity and adaptation to support his many loved ones.

While Anderson-Nathe's powerful essay (I was moved to tears in one particular section) stands out to me, all of the twenty-five authors share poignant writings on the marriage equality movement. It's enough to make you ask what exactly we are fighting for and who is really winning.

[Annabeth Leong · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wanted a book like this to exist so badly, and I was so excited to find it. This is a collection of essays that seeks to go beyond the simplistic "Love Wins" message that I've seen all over the place since marriage equality was instated throughout the U.S. I knew from the first line that this would discuss and engage with a lot of the discomfort I feel about how the marriage equality movement has played out in popular culture.

I have had a number of conversations with people who think that civil rights for queer people have been achieved because of that Supreme Court decision, so I know there are at least some people who have that impression. If so, they should read this book and get a fuller view of the landscape. For those who already know that marriage doesn't solve everything, who may have questions about marriage as an institution, who may want to think more about trans issues, race issues, class issues, bi issues, polyamory, and so on, this is also a great book to read.

I thought the collection splendidly avoided the echo chamber effect that can come about in collections of political works. All the authors are thinking beyond the obvious implications of same sex marriage, but they don't agree with each other, and their viewpoints are very diverse. That made this a compelling read throughout.

The editor notes in the introduction that trans women and people of color are underrepresented in the collection... and then I found myself pleasantly surprised by how many essays were written by trans women and people of color. It probably says something sad about the state of anthologies in general that what could be called underrepresented by the editor actually felt like rich diversity compared to what I'm used to reading.

I found myself constantly checking the contributor's notes to see if the authors had written other work or longer work, and I have a long list of books I now want to read. This book has introduced me to a lot of interesting thinkers and lyrical writers. While some pieces are dry, nonfiction takes on the subject, for the most part each piece is deeply poetic, which very much enhances the philosophical and political points being made.

I really needed this book.

[Kellie Doherty · Rating 5 out of 5]

Untangling the Knot is a powerful book. It’s one that spans generations and screams at the norms society demanded. It shows how complex families are, how different we all are, and how the norms can’t define everyone. It shows us the truth about how not much in this world is simple, or easy.

But love is.

The stories in this book bare this truth again and again and again. One after another, the stories tell us that, while the LGBTQIA world is different than the heterosexual, the love between two people, or three, or ten, is still the same.

Marriage isn’t an end goal for the people in this book; it’s just the beginning, just a small step towards true equality. The words show all the emotions of growing up in a small town that rejects homosexuality, of growing up poor, of growing up being different than everyone else and of being shamed for it.

While I liked each of the stories for individual reasons—“We Are Not ‘Just Like Everyone Else’” by Ben Anderson-Nathe showed me how different and loved his family is from the traditional unit; “Changing My Mind” by Francesca T. Roy showed me how a photograph can take a person back so many years to their youth and how it can connect with their present; and “We Have Cancer” by Meg Stone showed me the true power of the word “we”—it is the last story of the book, “Turbo” by Mel Wells that I can truly connect with.

“Turbo” story contains both sadness and joy, depression and hope, conformity and individuality. A personal story written in a voice so clear and so well woven that I could not help but smile at the ending. It reminded me of my own youth, in a small subtle way. I will not give anything away but know that it was a joy to read.

I’ll say it again—this book is powerful. It contains honesty and sincerity, and a hard look at how marriage isn’t the end. I would definitely recommend anyone interested in family, in LGBTQIA rights, and in love itself.

[Molly H. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Based on the title, one might assume this collection is only for queer individuals. However, the unique and varied perspectives on marriage and families contain nuggets of truth for everyone to consider. Each writer in this collection possesses a strong voice and writes candidly about their interpretation on the above topics. Not every contributor is gung-ho for the traditional interpretation of family, but every single one makes their argument in a way that allows the reader to consider what they’re saying without pushing the ideas away entirely. In a world where many children are being raised by divorced parents, this collection allows for alternative understandings of family, one that can bring members of that family and complete strangers to a place of empathy. (My comparison to divorced families does not mean I’m implying LGBTQ families are not whole in any way, but simply indicates that many families no longer fit the traditional cookie-cutter mold.)

One of my favorite essays in the piece was Ben Anderson-Nathe’s “We Are Not ‘Just Like Everyone Else’: How the Gay Marriage Movement Fails Queer Families”. Not every essay agrees with this viewpoint, but Anderson-Nathe’s sets the throughline that queer families and individuals are different than the discussions about their rights want them to be, discussions that often attempt to shoehorn them into heteronormative interpretations. Even if a queer couple wants to get married, the movement can and should (and often does) strive first for acceptance for non-heteronormative individuals, couples, and families in a world where folks can’t get over their discomfort of a trans person using the same restroom as them.

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Untangling the Knot: Queer Voices on Marriage, Relationships & Identity (Paperback)
by Carter Sickels

from the library

Contents:
Introduction / Carter Sickels --

We are not "just like everyone else" : how the gay marriage movement fails queer families / Ben Anderson-Nathe --
Holding hands in pocatello / Pamela Helberg --

The gay revolution will be televised : viewer discretion is advised / Emanuel Xavier --
We were a pretty picture / Ariel Gore --

Marriage throws a monkey wrench / Jeanne Cordova --
Changing my mind / Francesca Royster --

The days of the phoenix and the emerald city / Casey Plett --
Erasure / Irish Bendix --

We're not going anywhere / Chelsea Rice --
Sakura, ayame, and a cotton judogi / Ryka Aoki --

The boys club / Tucker Garcia --
Allegiance to scarcity : marriage and liberation / Fabian Romero --
Six-point win / Penny Guisinger --

Bê ê pride / Minh Pham --
Wedding bells are breaking up that old gang of mine : the loss of legal protections for LGBT families in the wake of gay marriage victories / Joseph DeFelippis --

We have cancer / Meg Stone --
A diagram of my family / BR Sanders --

Shaping bronx queer activism / Charles Rice-Gonzalez --
It's complicated : a trans perspective on the marriage debate / Jackson and Kristopher Schultz -- The empire builder / A.M. O'Malley --
Unequal wedding / Regina Sewell --
In a small town, nothing goes wrong / Everett Maroon --
Beyond having / Sailor Holladay --
When outlaws marry / Judith Barrington --
Turbo / Mel Wells.

[Cora Wigen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Untangling the Knot: Queer Voices on Marriage, Relationships, & Identity brings together the voices and stories of individuals from across the entire spectrum of queer society. It collects the varied experiences of dozens of queer individuals into a compendium that refuses to focus on the most well-known issue in the queer community: marriage. Instead, each story highlights the struggles that queer individuals and families go through as they attempt to carve a place for themselves in society. This variation in stories, created by the various author’s life experiences, lends incredible strength to the overall book.

There are many LGBTQ stories out there and many of them are brilliantly written pieces of work. But most are from a single perspective and deal with a single issue in the queer community, often the most popular issue—that of marriage. While the current trend of state’s legalizing gay marriage has given many queers opportunities that they never would have had, many of the stories in Untangling the Knot focus on alternative issues, including healthcare, families made up of more than two parents, and trans culture. There are more variations of family than the traditional father/mother/children (or in the case of the LGBTQ community father/father/children or mother/mother/children) dichotomy. There are so many stories from the LGBTQ community just waiting to be told; stories of struggle, of love, and family that Untangling the Knot gives voice to.

[Alyssa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Untangling the Knot: Queer Voices on Marriage, Relationships, & Identity is an anthology focused on the issue of same-sex marriage and all the peripheral anxieties, complications, and considerations that accompany how we think about it. At the core of the collection is the reality that achieving social justice is not, as one might hope, as simple as passing one series of legislations.

Not every piece in the anthology is centered around its author’s marriage--some focus on their parents’ relationships, some reflect on their coming out, and some of the most moving pieces discuss what they think about instead when they try to think about “marriage equality.” Though legalizing same-sex marriage has become a touchstone in the cultural understanding of LGBTQ rights, Untangling the Knot’s many clear voices remind us that equality doesn’t start and stop at being able to marry as we choose. People’s experiences with marriage are as wide and varied as the individuals themselves, and the book calls us to broaden our understanding of the subject.

The essays are deeply personal and moving, and provide an intimate look into the lives of others as they face down their demons and realize their innermost desires. Untangling the Knot is an excellent collection, and comes highly recommended as a way to put a very human identity to what can often feel like a distant or resolved political issue.

[Joanna Szabo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Untangling the Knot is one of the most important things I’ve read in a long time. In our current context, when even the rights of the LGBTQ* community that have already been won may be in danger, when our slow and steady march toward progress seems to be taking a sharp turn, it is voices like these that are essential. Untangling the Knot lifts voices up and outward, voices that are underrepresented and not usually heard—indeed, sometimes actively squashed. Sometimes, this book takes on a somewhat angry tone. Some essays focus on where the LGBT community and movement for equal rights has failed, and there is a certain amount of discord within that conversation. I wonder what those authors would write now—would they stand more united in the face of a greater threat?

Carter Sickels, who edited the book, wrote: “There is still so much work to be done.” This line, more than ever, is what struck me. This is partially because of my obsession with the musical Hamilton. Hamilton, nearing the end of Act 1 and in simultaneous joy at the birth of his son and deep despair over the loss of his best friend, says simply: “I have so much work to do.” That conflict of emotions rings true here in Untangling the Knot: a strange, sometimes painful mix between what has been won and what has been lost, all equally important.

[Alan Holley · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone who grew up in a very isolated and narrow-minded part of the country, I have known for quite some time now that I have a lot of learning to do when it comes to the issues facing the LGBTQ community. Though there's nothing (as a straight male) I can do to truly experience or identify with the struggles they face, I am thankful to this book for helping me to become more of an ally to their cause. Untangling the Knot is equal parts inspiring, educational, and heart-rending, with everything from scholarly research and statistics to narrative snapshots of everyday LGBTQ life. Right from the start, the book attempts to redefine the reader's conception of what is really going on within the LGBTQ controversy, with ideas stemming from "If you think marriage equality is all we are fighting for, think again." Most interesting to me was one author's exploration of family and how something so seemingly established may actually be in great need of change. Every author does an outstanding job of making their opinions accessible and engaging to read, and it would behoove us all as a society to engage in a dialogue with this text as soon as humanly possible. Untangling the Knot is a captivating, necessary read.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

The strength of Untangling the Knot lies in its unbridled representation of a multitude of voices. Published at a critical time in the lives of LGBTQ individuals--post-DOMA repeal, in the midst of the marriage equality movement--this compilation of voices brings to light critical issues in an honest, forthright manner. The variety adds to the complexity, as well as the legitimacy of the text as a whole, providing views from all areas of the spectrum (in terms of identity, as well as in terms of personal opinions). These are real people's lives, affected by real life issues, some of which can be bolstered by marriage but others which the marriage equality movement so passionately sweeps under the rug. The writing is tremendous, the order of chapters is captivating, and the subject matter is oh so important. I would highly recommend this text to those familiar with the LGBTQ community and its corresponding movements, and even more so to those with less exposure. Let this book explain it to you. Let this book do its job: promoting exposure and a comprehensive, captivating explanation that will leave you wanting more.

[Chelsea Lobey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I guess you could say I’m pretty lucky. I was born white, and heterosexual, and into a decently well-to-do family. We weren’t rich by any means, but as a kid I never had to worry if we were going to eat. I’m basically the definition of average. I’m the tall part of the bell curve.

I guess that’s lucky, because I've never had it very hard. I’ve never had to worry about how people think of me or if they’re judging me or looking down upon me because of my skin color or my sexuality, because I blend in with the norm.

Untangling the Knot: Queer Voices on Marriage, Relationships, & Identity has given me a direct look into what it’s like to not be average; to fall somewhere else on the bell curve. It is insightful, engaging, beautiful, and sometimes heartbreaking. It is also astonishingly honest. The writers of these essays pour their hearts and their whole selves onto the page, and the result is breathtaking.

I definitely recommend this book for all people; for those at the tall part of the bell curve and for those on the rest of it as well.