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Maži vaikai – dideli jausmai. Kaip tvarkytis su stipraus pykčio priepuoliais, jausmų audromis bei prieštaravimais ir užauginti emociškai intelektualius vaikus
Emocinės raidos ekspertės Alyssa Blask Campbell ir Lauren Stauble paruošė nepamainomą vadovą tėvams, padedantį ugdyti mažųjų emocinį intelektą – susidoroti su dideliais jausmais ir įveikti pykčio priepuolius, emocijų protrūkius, atsiskyrimo nerimą.
Autorių sukurtas revoliucinis emocijų apdorojimo bendradarbiaujant (EAB) metodas palengvino daugybės tėvų ir mokytojų gyvenimą. Knygoje „Maži vaikai – dideli jausmai“ pateikiami įgūdžiai padės įveikti kasdienes įtampą keliančias vaikų auklėjimo situacijas:
Sužinosite, ką daryti, kai vaikui prasideda pykčio priepuolis (visai ne tai, ką galvojate!).
Rasite naudingų patarimų, kaip susidoroti su įvairiais iššūkiais (kai atsisakoma eiti į mokyklą arba priešinamasi miego rutinai).
Suprasite, kaip reaguoti, kai vaikas mušasi arba kandžiojasi.
Išmoksite numatyti emocijų audras ir užbėgti joms už akių.
Visi besirūpinantieji vaikais, ypač nuo gimimo iki aštuonerių metų, šioje knygoje ras vertingų įžvalgų ir patarimų. Inovatyvus ir moksliniais tyrimais pagrįstas emocijų apdorojimo metodas moko vaikus savireguliacijos ir empatijos įgūdžių, stiprina tėvų ir vaikų tarpusavio santykius bei suteikia emocinio atsparumo ir ateities gerovės pagrindą.
Autorių sukurtas revoliucinis emocijų apdorojimo bendradarbiaujant (EAB) metodas palengvino daugybės tėvų ir mokytojų gyvenimą. Knygoje „Maži vaikai – dideli jausmai“ pateikiami įgūdžiai padės įveikti kasdienes įtampą keliančias vaikų auklėjimo situacijas:
Sužinosite, ką daryti, kai vaikui prasideda pykčio priepuolis (visai ne tai, ką galvojate!).
Rasite naudingų patarimų, kaip susidoroti su įvairiais iššūkiais (kai atsisakoma eiti į mokyklą arba priešinamasi miego rutinai).
Suprasite, kaip reaguoti, kai vaikas mušasi arba kandžiojasi.
Išmoksite numatyti emocijų audras ir užbėgti joms už akių.
Visi besirūpinantieji vaikais, ypač nuo gimimo iki aštuonerių metų, šioje knygoje ras vertingų įžvalgų ir patarimų. Inovatyvus ir moksliniais tyrimais pagrįstas emocijų apdorojimo metodas moko vaikus savireguliacijos ir empatijos įgūdžių, stiprina tėvų ir vaikų tarpusavio santykius bei suteikia emocinio atsparumo ir ateities gerovės pagrindą.
318 pages, Unknown Binding
Published January 1, 2024
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October 23, 2023
**Many thanks to NetGalley, William Morrow-Harvest, and to Alyssa Blask Campbell and Lauren Elizabeth Stauble for an ARC of this book! Now available as of 10.10!!**
"When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it's our job to share our calm, not to join their chaos."-L.R Knost
Okay, sure...but how exactly do we go about DOING that amidst screaming, tiny fists a' flying and little bodies flailing....not to MENTION people staring at you with that "Get your loud child out of this public place...and oh, maybe try a little PARENTING once you get home while you're at it" face?
While it sometimes takes a village, these two authors (and founders of Seed & Sow.org) take the reader on a journey through raising emotionally intelligent little ones: a trip that begins with parents examining their own psyches and upbringings and the way we were often taught to repress and hide our feelings for the comfort and others, and exploring their new methodology of Collective Emotion Processing (CEP) that encourages children to identify feelings, process needs, and to learn to communicate, even at the height of stress.
This book is split into three sections: the first deals with a broad conversation on Emotions and their significance, and the importance of self-awareness and self-regulation. how DO we want to raise our children? What do we want to be different in terms of processing and self-expression?
The best part of this first section for me were the examples provided of how to charge our batteries, either through proprioceptive sense (big body play) that can include a long hug, massage, going for a run, wearing a baby, jumping into a pile of pillows, etc. or recharging our vestibular system (ex. swinging, going upside down, bouncing on a yoga ball, etc.) Learning how to reset and recharge our nervous systems is an ESSENTIAL tool for getting out of a fight or flight response and back 'into our bodies,' and all of these strategies can be applied to children as well as adults. (All of these resources are also listed at the authors' website if you need a quick resource).
Part two is the meat and potatoes of the book and deals with Collaborative Emotion Processing. The process involves a wheel of mindfulness, with spokes including adult-child interactions, self-awareness, scientific knowledge, uncovering implicit bias, and self-care. This sounds like a LOT: and well, it is. We need to identify our feelings, what triggers the feelings, seek support through coping strategies, and solve the problem or let it go. (And if our child is the one experiencing the emotion...we need to help them through this process!) In essence when a big emotion arises, we need to determine if a child is in a state of dysregulation or not. If they are, it isn't the time to teach: we need to calm them first. If a child is hitting, it's tempting to say "We do not hit", but this alone will not teach the child not to hit. If we can determine their underlying feelings or needs and provide empathy, sometimes this alone is enough.
It's a tricky process, and as the book goes on, it becomes increasingly clear that this methodology doesn't necessarily fall in line with societal expectations...and I'll be honest, I did get a bit deflated and overwhelmed during the book at times, when it seemed like the task of teaching self-regulation to tiny humans seemed a bit much. But what I came to realize as I read is while I might not approach every situation as 'perfectly' as the experienced childcare experts who penned this book, even making the ATTEMPT to hold boundaries and provide support rather than resorting to yelling or punishment instantly is a huge step up...and it will always be a work in progress. My son is two and a half, and no doubt as his communication continues to develop, this will be an ever-changing roller coaster ride. However, even coming into situations backed with scientific knowledge about how our minds and nervous systems coalesce in moments of stress and having those strategies on deck is ENORMOUSLY helpful.
The authors also realize the world is designed to punish "bad behavior": my child's daycare teachers utilize time outs, and it's not like the criminal justice system is simply going to abandon incarceration in the wake of mindfulness and an attempt at tackling problems at the root rather than punishing a negative outcome. However, living in a world that is FINALLY beginning to acknowledge the power of emotional processing rather than simply criticizing bad behavior (and teaching children shame) rather than learning TRUE coping strategies. Although this book in some ways could be viewed as a conduit to guide readers towards seedandsow.org and also to the authors' podcast, this book felt less like an advertisement and more like a survival guide that ANYONE who spends time with children needs to have hanging around.
CEP is a long road, an unpredictable journey, and one you will embark on one day, one hour, and sometimes one MINUTE at a time. As the authors state, "You might be the only emotionally safe person for your child to break down to, and you are enough."
But the message at the end of that quote is at the core of everything we are and everything we do, and is one that as parents and caregivers, we can't ever afford to forget: "You are enough."💕
4 stars
"When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it's our job to share our calm, not to join their chaos."-L.R Knost
Okay, sure...but how exactly do we go about DOING that amidst screaming, tiny fists a' flying and little bodies flailing....not to MENTION people staring at you with that "Get your loud child out of this public place...and oh, maybe try a little PARENTING once you get home while you're at it" face?
While it sometimes takes a village, these two authors (and founders of Seed & Sow.org) take the reader on a journey through raising emotionally intelligent little ones: a trip that begins with parents examining their own psyches and upbringings and the way we were often taught to repress and hide our feelings for the comfort and others, and exploring their new methodology of Collective Emotion Processing (CEP) that encourages children to identify feelings, process needs, and to learn to communicate, even at the height of stress.
This book is split into three sections: the first deals with a broad conversation on Emotions and their significance, and the importance of self-awareness and self-regulation. how DO we want to raise our children? What do we want to be different in terms of processing and self-expression?
The best part of this first section for me were the examples provided of how to charge our batteries, either through proprioceptive sense (big body play) that can include a long hug, massage, going for a run, wearing a baby, jumping into a pile of pillows, etc. or recharging our vestibular system (ex. swinging, going upside down, bouncing on a yoga ball, etc.) Learning how to reset and recharge our nervous systems is an ESSENTIAL tool for getting out of a fight or flight response and back 'into our bodies,' and all of these strategies can be applied to children as well as adults. (All of these resources are also listed at the authors' website if you need a quick resource).
Part two is the meat and potatoes of the book and deals with Collaborative Emotion Processing. The process involves a wheel of mindfulness, with spokes including adult-child interactions, self-awareness, scientific knowledge, uncovering implicit bias, and self-care. This sounds like a LOT: and well, it is. We need to identify our feelings, what triggers the feelings, seek support through coping strategies, and solve the problem or let it go. (And if our child is the one experiencing the emotion...we need to help them through this process!) In essence when a big emotion arises, we need to determine if a child is in a state of dysregulation or not. If they are, it isn't the time to teach: we need to calm them first. If a child is hitting, it's tempting to say "We do not hit", but this alone will not teach the child not to hit. If we can determine their underlying feelings or needs and provide empathy, sometimes this alone is enough.
It's a tricky process, and as the book goes on, it becomes increasingly clear that this methodology doesn't necessarily fall in line with societal expectations...and I'll be honest, I did get a bit deflated and overwhelmed during the book at times, when it seemed like the task of teaching self-regulation to tiny humans seemed a bit much. But what I came to realize as I read is while I might not approach every situation as 'perfectly' as the experienced childcare experts who penned this book, even making the ATTEMPT to hold boundaries and provide support rather than resorting to yelling or punishment instantly is a huge step up...and it will always be a work in progress. My son is two and a half, and no doubt as his communication continues to develop, this will be an ever-changing roller coaster ride. However, even coming into situations backed with scientific knowledge about how our minds and nervous systems coalesce in moments of stress and having those strategies on deck is ENORMOUSLY helpful.
The authors also realize the world is designed to punish "bad behavior": my child's daycare teachers utilize time outs, and it's not like the criminal justice system is simply going to abandon incarceration in the wake of mindfulness and an attempt at tackling problems at the root rather than punishing a negative outcome. However, living in a world that is FINALLY beginning to acknowledge the power of emotional processing rather than simply criticizing bad behavior (and teaching children shame) rather than learning TRUE coping strategies. Although this book in some ways could be viewed as a conduit to guide readers towards seedandsow.org and also to the authors' podcast, this book felt less like an advertisement and more like a survival guide that ANYONE who spends time with children needs to have hanging around.
CEP is a long road, an unpredictable journey, and one you will embark on one day, one hour, and sometimes one MINUTE at a time. As the authors state, "You might be the only emotionally safe person for your child to break down to, and you are enough."
But the message at the end of that quote is at the core of everything we are and everything we do, and is one that as parents and caregivers, we can't ever afford to forget: "You are enough."💕
4 stars
November 20, 2023
Memorable messages:
Realize and recognize what you are feeling at all times.
Relationships cannot be planned. The very nature of human interactions is unpredictable and dependent on the developmental landscape of all participants.
It is natural for parents to want their kids to be happy, but life is not designed for us to feel happy all the time. Life is complicated, and the human experience comes part and parcel with a complex variety of emotions from a very young age. This rich tapestry of emotions is what gives us such a rich life experience and is essential to what makes us human.
The five components to emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, motivation, and social skills.
1. What is my long-term goal for this child?
2. What is my goal for our relationship?
3. Am I modeling the values I want them to inherit?
Remember, our initial reaction is often unconscious. We can hone the skill of noticing the initial reaction and then finding the pause for our secondary response to be intentional.
Your feelings are not a problem you are supposed to ignore or fix. They are feedback from your body and nervous system about how you are doing and what you need in life.
You can either be the thermometer and read the temperature of the room and join it, or you can be the thermostat and set the temperature. You have the power to bring the calm.
1. Be aware of a child’s emotions.
2. Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching.
3. Listen empathetically and validate the child’s feelings.
4. Label emotions in words a child can understand.
5. Help a child discover appropriate ways to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting situation.
Mindfulness: pausing to allow us to respond instead of react.
Phase 1:
In order to teach our kiddos to process emotions, we first have to allow the emotion by holding space for it.
Accept their feelings without solving the problem.
Give them time on their timeline, not yours.
Keep their body safe without punishing them for feeling out of control.
Engage in active listening to connect rather than explain.
Maintain your regulation and model how to calm your body.
Phase 1: allowing one’s emotions to exist
Phase 2: recognizing the perceived emotion
Phase 3: feeling secure in experiencing a range of emotions over time
Phase 4: seeking support through coping strategies
Phase 5: moving on
Boundary vs threat
Boundary: I won’t let you hit my body. Consequence: If you hit my body, I will move to keep myself safe.
Threat: If you hit me, I will feel sad and won’t talk to you.
No statements vs yes statements
No: We don’t run inside.
Yes: Walking feet, please.
No: No more TV time.
Yes: TV time is over. Would you like to turn it off or should I?
Boundaries:
“I will not let you hit my body. I will hold your hands if you hit my body. If you want me to notice you, you can say ”play!”
“We will spend five more minutes outside. I will set the timer. When it beeps, you can walk or I will carry you.”
Kids are not responsible for your feelings about their feelings.
The adult chooses what is going to happen and the child chooses how it will happen.
What: we are going to school.
How: we get ready to leave.
The child can choose how to leave: would you like to choose your shoes to go to the car or should I pick them today?
We can’t say to children that they are allowed to make mistakes, but then hold ourselves to a binary standard of perfection or failure.
Repair with a child can sound like:
“We got home from grocery shopping and everyone was asking for things at once and I felt overwhelmed. I am sorry that I yelled. Next time I am going to take deep breaths to calm my body.”
“This afternoon has been hard. Would you like it to hit the pause button with me and read a book?”
“I was trying to finish the dishes when you asked to play with that toy and I answered quickly. I have changed my mind; you can use it if you’d like. Let’s find a safe place to play.”
Attention-seeking behaviors is connection- seeking behavior.
Negative command -> positive reframe
Example: Don’t climb on the table. -> Feet on the floor, please.
The child is not giving us a hard time, but is having a hard time. Connect and collaborate with them rather than disconnect and control.
Empathy is saying, “I get what that feels like.” Compassion is saying, “I’ll sit here with you while you are feeling it.” Compassion builds on empathy as an action one person takes to help another person tolerate the discomfort of life. Sometimes it is holding space and allowing the hard feeling, which might feel like doing. It is hard not to try to fix it to avoid the hard stuff. Rather than attempting to save them from all the hard stuff while they’re under our care and then sending them off into the wild without tools for resilience, we build these tools together.
While shame may change of behavior, even for the short-term, it becomes a part of a child’s self-talk and can result in lying, rationalizing, or defending down the road when they make mistakes or engage in conflict.
There is a difference between communicating to a child that they caused your feelings and communicating your feelings. This is also an excellent way to teach by modeling. When you allow yourself to feel a range of emotions and demonstrate how to process them, children learn that all feelings are welcome and manageable. What’s key is acknowledging how you process the feelings.
“It makes me happy when you clean up your toys.” vs “Thank you for cleaning up your toys. It is comfortable to walk through the house without stepping on them.” The latter is better, it takes you out of it so the child focuses on the good action (for more intrinsic motivation) rather than on a conditional action (they’re more loved for following a condition).
Realize and recognize what you are feeling at all times.
Relationships cannot be planned. The very nature of human interactions is unpredictable and dependent on the developmental landscape of all participants.
It is natural for parents to want their kids to be happy, but life is not designed for us to feel happy all the time. Life is complicated, and the human experience comes part and parcel with a complex variety of emotions from a very young age. This rich tapestry of emotions is what gives us such a rich life experience and is essential to what makes us human.
The five components to emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, motivation, and social skills.
1. What is my long-term goal for this child?
2. What is my goal for our relationship?
3. Am I modeling the values I want them to inherit?
Remember, our initial reaction is often unconscious. We can hone the skill of noticing the initial reaction and then finding the pause for our secondary response to be intentional.
Your feelings are not a problem you are supposed to ignore or fix. They are feedback from your body and nervous system about how you are doing and what you need in life.
You can either be the thermometer and read the temperature of the room and join it, or you can be the thermostat and set the temperature. You have the power to bring the calm.
1. Be aware of a child’s emotions.
2. Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching.
3. Listen empathetically and validate the child’s feelings.
4. Label emotions in words a child can understand.
5. Help a child discover appropriate ways to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting situation.
Mindfulness: pausing to allow us to respond instead of react.
Phase 1:
In order to teach our kiddos to process emotions, we first have to allow the emotion by holding space for it.
Accept their feelings without solving the problem.
Give them time on their timeline, not yours.
Keep their body safe without punishing them for feeling out of control.
Engage in active listening to connect rather than explain.
Maintain your regulation and model how to calm your body.
Phase 1: allowing one’s emotions to exist
Phase 2: recognizing the perceived emotion
Phase 3: feeling secure in experiencing a range of emotions over time
Phase 4: seeking support through coping strategies
Phase 5: moving on
Boundary vs threat
Boundary: I won’t let you hit my body. Consequence: If you hit my body, I will move to keep myself safe.
Threat: If you hit me, I will feel sad and won’t talk to you.
No statements vs yes statements
No: We don’t run inside.
Yes: Walking feet, please.
No: No more TV time.
Yes: TV time is over. Would you like to turn it off or should I?
Boundaries:
“I will not let you hit my body. I will hold your hands if you hit my body. If you want me to notice you, you can say ”play!”
“We will spend five more minutes outside. I will set the timer. When it beeps, you can walk or I will carry you.”
Kids are not responsible for your feelings about their feelings.
The adult chooses what is going to happen and the child chooses how it will happen.
What: we are going to school.
How: we get ready to leave.
The child can choose how to leave: would you like to choose your shoes to go to the car or should I pick them today?
We can’t say to children that they are allowed to make mistakes, but then hold ourselves to a binary standard of perfection or failure.
Repair with a child can sound like:
“We got home from grocery shopping and everyone was asking for things at once and I felt overwhelmed. I am sorry that I yelled. Next time I am going to take deep breaths to calm my body.”
“This afternoon has been hard. Would you like it to hit the pause button with me and read a book?”
“I was trying to finish the dishes when you asked to play with that toy and I answered quickly. I have changed my mind; you can use it if you’d like. Let’s find a safe place to play.”
Attention-seeking behaviors is connection- seeking behavior.
Negative command -> positive reframe
Example: Don’t climb on the table. -> Feet on the floor, please.
The child is not giving us a hard time, but is having a hard time. Connect and collaborate with them rather than disconnect and control.
Empathy is saying, “I get what that feels like.” Compassion is saying, “I’ll sit here with you while you are feeling it.” Compassion builds on empathy as an action one person takes to help another person tolerate the discomfort of life. Sometimes it is holding space and allowing the hard feeling, which might feel like doing. It is hard not to try to fix it to avoid the hard stuff. Rather than attempting to save them from all the hard stuff while they’re under our care and then sending them off into the wild without tools for resilience, we build these tools together.
While shame may change of behavior, even for the short-term, it becomes a part of a child’s self-talk and can result in lying, rationalizing, or defending down the road when they make mistakes or engage in conflict.
There is a difference between communicating to a child that they caused your feelings and communicating your feelings. This is also an excellent way to teach by modeling. When you allow yourself to feel a range of emotions and demonstrate how to process them, children learn that all feelings are welcome and manageable. What’s key is acknowledging how you process the feelings.
“It makes me happy when you clean up your toys.” vs “Thank you for cleaning up your toys. It is comfortable to walk through the house without stepping on them.” The latter is better, it takes you out of it so the child focuses on the good action (for more intrinsic motivation) rather than on a conditional action (they’re more loved for following a condition).
July 2, 2023
Tiny Humans Big Emotions was a bit of a struggle for me. It wasn’t stylistically cohesive, and it felt a bit like wading through a text book. There were two authors who used first person, but the only indication of who was speaking was by knowing the name of one of their children. Additionally, I wish the book would have been written to either teachers or parents- It felt like they were trying to put too much into the package - at the very least, I wish they would have prefaced each section as a “for teachers” or “note for parents.” There is overlap between the two, but often it just got to be too much superfluous information.
It is well researched and thorough, but it wants a bit of personality from both authors to make it really shine.
I’d like to thank Harvest Publications and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
It is well researched and thorough, but it wants a bit of personality from both authors to make it really shine.
I’d like to thank Harvest Publications and NetGalley for the eARC in exchange for my honest review. All thoughts and opinions are my own.
March 12, 2025
Full disclosure: I only made it about a third of the way through.
Parenting books are either hit or miss. The reader is humbling himself enough to look for advice on the hardest thing any of us do. The authors can morally grandstand, or they can tell you that, "yeah, this is hard. All of us struggle with this. I'm not perfect, but here's what I've found helps." This book unfortunately is the former. The authors start by saying they run a daycare better than everyone else around them. They're doing something different that needs to be monetized. So of course, if you slap enough Brene Brown quotes on their worldview you've got yourself a book.
This book is not parenting advice: it's a series of beliefs and perceptions of the world. I believe that some of the best parenting advice is to focus on your own issues and patience first, but their advice is just lecturing coming from people with an ax to grind.
I made it to the chapter about implicit biases. Which is just a fancy way of saying, "you don't get to decide when you're being racist. I get to decide." I don't know what place that has in a parenting book. You're just a grifter preying on insecurities if you need to resort to browbeating and finger wagging to a reader who is coming to you humbly looking for advice.
Parenting books are either hit or miss. The reader is humbling himself enough to look for advice on the hardest thing any of us do. The authors can morally grandstand, or they can tell you that, "yeah, this is hard. All of us struggle with this. I'm not perfect, but here's what I've found helps." This book unfortunately is the former. The authors start by saying they run a daycare better than everyone else around them. They're doing something different that needs to be monetized. So of course, if you slap enough Brene Brown quotes on their worldview you've got yourself a book.
This book is not parenting advice: it's a series of beliefs and perceptions of the world. I believe that some of the best parenting advice is to focus on your own issues and patience first, but their advice is just lecturing coming from people with an ax to grind.
I made it to the chapter about implicit biases. Which is just a fancy way of saying, "you don't get to decide when you're being racist. I get to decide." I don't know what place that has in a parenting book. You're just a grifter preying on insecurities if you need to resort to browbeating and finger wagging to a reader who is coming to you humbly looking for advice.
December 30, 2024
Ugh.... This one is hard to rate. There were 'some' things that really resonated with me that I will take forward but there was just SO much. I often felt overwhelmed while listening to this and wondered if reading it would be better? At times it got a little confusing because at 1 point they said they were an only child then 2 chapters down the road it said they had like 4 siblings. I realize there are two authors so that would make sense but there was absolutely no indication to what author was providing what information.
The whole book was mostly them saying, if this happens, do this. It was very black and white and in my 7 years parenting the only thing I've really learned is that it is anything but black and white. I think these ladies really wanted to make a 'how to guide' but honestly that doesn't really work for me.
That being said there were some good thoughts I want to incorporate into our family life.
The whole book was mostly them saying, if this happens, do this. It was very black and white and in my 7 years parenting the only thing I've really learned is that it is anything but black and white. I think these ladies really wanted to make a 'how to guide' but honestly that doesn't really work for me.
That being said there were some good thoughts I want to incorporate into our family life.
January 16, 2025
This book changed my outlook on life and parenting. I have already implemented CEP strategies and have seen them work. I’m also making an effort to improve my own self-talk, self-care, and emotional processing. The question posed in Chapter 2, “are you modeling the traits you want them to inherit?” was truly eye opening. The emphasis on self-reflection and breaking generational cycles is so important. I’ve recommended this book to friends and family, with and without children. We can all learn a little something from this book because we’re all still Tiny Humans in our own little ways.
November 25, 2024
Thought I was reading a book to help my daughters. Little did I know I was getting a needed therapy session for myself 🤣 I honestly wish I would have read this when I was teaching, but excited to use these practices with my girls and if I ever happen to teach again. I listened to it on audiobook but I think reading it in person would be more beneficial.
January 29, 2024
I received this book through a Goodreads giveaway, and I was really looking forward to reading. Normally a book like this might sit around for a while before I get to it, but I shot this one up to the top of the queue because I was so interested in it. It was worth the read. My three star rating might suggest otherwise, though. It's complicated to pin down what I think of the book.
The concept of CEP, or Collaborative Emotion Processing, is really interesting. In short, it's training the emotional intelligence of children. Honestly, it's applicable across all age groups if you can manage that kind of openness with people. That's basically implied as you read more about it. You need to do the work to continually regulate and understand yourself to be effective in helping anyone else do it. I love that. I love being open about the moment and your own vulnerabilities while trying to help kids with theirs. All that is brilliant.
But the book is also a bit of a mess. We have two authors who are trying to write from a singular first-person perspective, which shouldn't be a problem except when they talk about their personal lives. They'll mention one child or another, or in the span of 10 pages or so mention they were one of n number of children as well as being an only child. The lack of coherency in identity doesn't detract from the message but does unintentionally distract.
At various points in the book they mention a website for resources. I've tried the exact link they provided, and those resources already don't exist despite how new the book is. But the site does say I can join and spend money! I don't like the possibility that this is a book leading me to spending even more money. It's not anywhere near Dianetics levels of problematic, but it would be manipulative if, say, the reader were in a position where they were reading the book because they were feeling desperate about issues with the tiny humans in their lives.
Also, at points it seems like there are words put on the page that seem to be there for space. There are plenty of informative sections in the book. Then there are sections that are less informative. Like there was a word count/page limit they were trying to reach. They want the book to be a resource that parents/teachers/caregivers return to over and over again. An even leaner book would lend itself better to that goal.
This is a good book. There are just things about it that could be better.
The concept of CEP, or Collaborative Emotion Processing, is really interesting. In short, it's training the emotional intelligence of children. Honestly, it's applicable across all age groups if you can manage that kind of openness with people. That's basically implied as you read more about it. You need to do the work to continually regulate and understand yourself to be effective in helping anyone else do it. I love that. I love being open about the moment and your own vulnerabilities while trying to help kids with theirs. All that is brilliant.
But the book is also a bit of a mess. We have two authors who are trying to write from a singular first-person perspective, which shouldn't be a problem except when they talk about their personal lives. They'll mention one child or another, or in the span of 10 pages or so mention they were one of n number of children as well as being an only child. The lack of coherency in identity doesn't detract from the message but does unintentionally distract.
At various points in the book they mention a website for resources. I've tried the exact link they provided, and those resources already don't exist despite how new the book is. But the site does say I can join and spend money! I don't like the possibility that this is a book leading me to spending even more money. It's not anywhere near Dianetics levels of problematic, but it would be manipulative if, say, the reader were in a position where they were reading the book because they were feeling desperate about issues with the tiny humans in their lives.
Also, at points it seems like there are words put on the page that seem to be there for space. There are plenty of informative sections in the book. Then there are sections that are less informative. Like there was a word count/page limit they were trying to reach. They want the book to be a resource that parents/teachers/caregivers return to over and over again. An even leaner book would lend itself better to that goal.
This is a good book. There are just things about it that could be better.
February 27, 2024
A recommended read for anyone who has tiny humans in their lives (parents, caregivers, relatives, friends). Listened to the audiobook and bought the hard copy to use more as a reference book to go back to.
June 8, 2024
This book is utter rubbish. I feel that very partial research has been done by the authors and they engage with a lot of psycho-babble to try to make their points.
I understand they might be established educators, but they often try to mix Eastern philosophy with Western psychology (if it’s even psychology).
I borrowed this from my local library and am pleased I didn’t pay for it.
Can I recommend:
The Montessori Toddler - for practical ideas and tools, how to deal with paddies and how to engage well
The gentle parenting book - for thinking about how to navigate tantrums as calmly as possible and think through what you’re doing
The book you wish your parents had read - to think about how your issues might spill over into your parenting
Honestly, don’t bother with this; it doesn’t know what it wants to be!
I understand they might be established educators, but they often try to mix Eastern philosophy with Western psychology (if it’s even psychology).
I borrowed this from my local library and am pleased I didn’t pay for it.
Can I recommend:
The Montessori Toddler - for practical ideas and tools, how to deal with paddies and how to engage well
The gentle parenting book - for thinking about how to navigate tantrums as calmly as possible and think through what you’re doing
The book you wish your parents had read - to think about how your issues might spill over into your parenting
Honestly, don’t bother with this; it doesn’t know what it wants to be!
February 6, 2025
As a mom of a 2 year old I expected this book to supply some tools to approach tantrums and big feelings and it definitely does that. What I didn’t expect was to face my own people pleasing personality and the roots of it. Would recommend as a general approach to emotional intelligence introspection not just for toddlers. What really stuck most for me is looking at if you’re building towards the child growing their emotion processing or are you trying to create a convenient child.
August 3, 2024
One of my favourite reads on understanding littles and their emotions, while also navigating my own big feelings.
July 28, 2025
The philosophy is that a kid’s behavior (whether good or bad) is communication. If you try to just end the behavior without getting to what they are feeling and trying to express, then you’re just shutting down their communication and missing an opportunity to connect. And actually helping them express and communicate and feel heard is a lot easier and less frustrating for everyone involved. This framing has been helpful for me to keep in mind when trying out toddler tactics.
The authors have experience in preschool/daycare, home-based childcare, as parents, and as ECE professors. Their methodology is blended from approaches in all these settings so it’s versatile for any type of caregiver relationship. Things like validating the emotion first, narrating how you see them expressing the emotion, narrating how you are tying to calm yourself down, trying to problem solve or offer choices only when everyone is calm, and helping kids playback high emotion situations have all been really helpful for me.
The authors have experience in preschool/daycare, home-based childcare, as parents, and as ECE professors. Their methodology is blended from approaches in all these settings so it’s versatile for any type of caregiver relationship. Things like validating the emotion first, narrating how you see them expressing the emotion, narrating how you are tying to calm yourself down, trying to problem solve or offer choices only when everyone is calm, and helping kids playback high emotion situations have all been really helpful for me.
July 4, 2024
While many of the concepts I’ve read or seen before in other “gentle parenting” books (I don’t think their Collaborative Emotional Processing CEP method is as original as they think), I did find their methods to be explained really well and very helpful. The book reads as very logical and even scientific (unlike what some people may think about some gentle parenting), and I already started implementing some of their strategies while I was reading it.
It focuses on how to manage your own emotions as an adult, and how to best cope with your child’s emotions in a way that sets them up for emotional health in the future. Their discussion on how to cope with negative emotions especially resonated with me. This book has helped me deal with tantrums and big emotions in a calmer and more effective way.
It focuses on how to manage your own emotions as an adult, and how to best cope with your child’s emotions in a way that sets them up for emotional health in the future. Their discussion on how to cope with negative emotions especially resonated with me. This book has helped me deal with tantrums and big emotions in a calmer and more effective way.
May 15, 2025
Look, fundamentally useful content as a parent of a toddler. But as with all books like this they really know how to labour a point (this could have been an article or a podcast episode). A bit too much feelings chat for me, which seems like an unfair critique of a book with "emotions" in the title so take it will a grain of salt.
May 6, 2024
I found this book to be very similar in approach to other books on the topic. Not as much new insight as I had hoped for, but a good reiterating of concepts. I want to check out their website for the additional resources, as it sounds like they have a lot.
October 30, 2024
There was so much great and well researched information here, it was just so hard to get past the authors condoning ABA for autistic individuals. Even if it was in passing
April 7, 2025
I ended up listening to this because it was the best way to actually finish it. I own a hard copy, too, which I will highlight in and reread parts of.
As a mom of 2 tiny humans (6&3) and a first grade teacher I see so many big emotions. In general, the kids I've worked with (especially the past few years)seem to not know how to work through their emotions. This book was good as it made me think about how I think about emotion processing. I'm also more aware of how I'm responding to my children and my students when they're having big emotions.
It may only be a small step in the right direction, but it's worth the listen.
As a mom of 2 tiny humans (6&3) and a first grade teacher I see so many big emotions. In general, the kids I've worked with (especially the past few years)seem to not know how to work through their emotions. This book was good as it made me think about how I think about emotion processing. I'm also more aware of how I'm responding to my children and my students when they're having big emotions.
It may only be a small step in the right direction, but it's worth the listen.
March 7, 2025
I had a lot of a-ha moments in this book. It’s very informative and gives you some really great examples. I’ve already started implementing some of the ideas and it seems to be working really well. I believe this book has made me a more mindful parent and a calmer person. I recommend this book for any parent or caregiver.
July 16, 2025
One of the better parenting books out there, this one is focused on the mindset and coping mechanisms parents need for themselves before effectively guiding kids towards having empathy and self awareness. My book bundle for new parents would pair this with How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen by Joanna Faber and Julie King to include more concrete examples of what to do and say in the moment.
May 2, 2024
A great tool for all caregivers of small children
Read
January 18, 2025I enjoyed most of it and already feel like I need to reread
August 11, 2025
Fantastic book! I loved how she gave so many examples of how to speak to your child and how ways I may have been raised/spoken to as a child might not help to raise my Oliver in a emotionally mature or validating way. I want him to become emotionally resilient and confident and this book helped me to learn wyd to support that. I listened to this in an audio book but I think I may buy the physical book so I can reference it in the future. Great read!
September 20, 2025
Audiobook. Haven’t been keeping up with reading because I have a tiny human with big emotions
May 10, 2024
This book was helpful in understanding how toddlers process (or can't) emotions and made me feel better about my toddler lol. Some stuff wasn't new but gave helpful tips for what to do with tantrums etc.
July 12, 2025
Good, not great.
The main takeaway is to put your own oxygen mask on first.
Share you calm, not their chaos. Our nervous systems are constantly communicating with each other.
This book emphasizes the importance of parents prioritizing their own well-being for healthier interactions with their children. This is especially critical when it comes to breaking generational cycles, addressing attachment disorders, or for those who have experienced adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and chronic stress.
The other memorable point was car seat illustration.Babies were once held in their mothers’ arms on the ride home from the hospital. Kids used to nap in the space between the backseat and the rear window during road trips. My grandma still laughs about putting my mom in the basket on the front of her bike as a baby and riding from place to place. Car seats will likely look different by the time my kids have kids, and we’ll probably cringe at their baby pictures, too. The point is, just because something was done differently in the past doesn’t mean it's something we should continue to do. As more research and resources become available, we can and should do better.
Overall, there were some good points here. I would recommend this particular book to someone who is trying to break a generational trauma cycle. Beyond that, much of the content overlaps with other parenting books that I might recommend first.
The main takeaway is to put your own oxygen mask on first.
Share you calm, not their chaos. Our nervous systems are constantly communicating with each other.
This book emphasizes the importance of parents prioritizing their own well-being for healthier interactions with their children. This is especially critical when it comes to breaking generational cycles, addressing attachment disorders, or for those who have experienced adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and chronic stress.
The other memorable point was car seat illustration.Babies were once held in their mothers’ arms on the ride home from the hospital. Kids used to nap in the space between the backseat and the rear window during road trips. My grandma still laughs about putting my mom in the basket on the front of her bike as a baby and riding from place to place. Car seats will likely look different by the time my kids have kids, and we’ll probably cringe at their baby pictures, too. The point is, just because something was done differently in the past doesn’t mean it's something we should continue to do. As more research and resources become available, we can and should do better.
Overall, there were some good points here. I would recommend this particular book to someone who is trying to break a generational trauma cycle. Beyond that, much of the content overlaps with other parenting books that I might recommend first.
October 10, 2025
The book has some good information, but it’s conveyed in such a condescending and idealistic manner that it was frustrating to get through. I also did not appreciate the questionably-placed section on implicit biases which felt more like a reflection on post-2020 critical race theory than an earnest look into parenting small children. Maybe those parts are better suited toward public school teachers. But the authors’ voices were so unclearly delineated along with their intended audience that it’s hard to know what the focus was. The second half of the book was more useful than the first because it provided actual examples of Collaborative Emotion Processing to use with your child. I’ve heard that The Montessori Toddler has a better presentation of similar ideas, so I’ll add that one to my list instead. This book is probably best to read if you are non-religious or secular and you have some kind of emotional trauma attached to the way you were raised.
November 4, 2023
This book is fantastic! It really breaks down how to connect with your children or students or any young child in your life to help them learn how to deal with their big emotions, starting first by looking within ourselves and learning how to deal with our own big emotions. This book feels like a very modern approach to parenting and childcare, allowing children to feel their emotions in full without feeling like they need to suppress or hide them from us, and working together with the child's needs to come to a healthy processing and conclusion of whatever feelings they may be having. The book is written to include lots of technical information, but broken down in a manner that is very easily understandable for pretty much anyone who wants to learn. The authors do a great job of cycling back to the most important points throughout the book to emphasize them and really force you to remember them. It is also very ADHD friendly in the layout - the chapters are about 20 pages each on average, and within each chapter there are subsections with headers averaging between 2 to 5 pages each. There are also tons of little charts within the book with examples, and links to extra resources outside of the book. If I could, I would tell every single parent and teacher I encounter to read this book, and if possible to buy a copy to keep on your shelf so that you can go back and reference it. I borrowed this book from the library, but will definitely be purchasing a copy for myself.
If I had one critique, it would simply be that on some of the pages with charts, the charts are placed on the page in a manner that is not the most intuitive regarding where to stop reading the actual text and start reading the chart. But this is definitely a super small critique and doesn't take away from the overall effectiveness of the book.
If I had one critique, it would simply be that on some of the pages with charts, the charts are placed on the page in a manner that is not the most intuitive regarding where to stop reading the actual text and start reading the chart. But this is definitely a super small critique and doesn't take away from the overall effectiveness of the book.
July 15, 2024
This was an insightful read on how to engage with big emotions in little people by first recognizing our own big feelings that come up, and subsequently by seeing the other person (little or big, as in young or old) as a person. It was challenging and uncomfortable (oh, you mean I have to work on me, not just focus on "them"? ;P ), but also helpful with easily applicable tips for right now. Because when you're in relationship with anyone, particularly children, it's really easy to find opportunities to apply tips on big emotions for everyone involved.
The biggest takeaway for me is being the support for the child and helping them feel safe and loved before problem solving for "behavioral issues" or what is perceived as such. And for me to become self aware to my own feelings/triggers/discomfort. Near the end, an example is given where the child is freaking out about something and the adult says "You have nothing to be scared of, you're safe, etc". And the author explains how that actually invalidates the child's experience and that what the adult is really saying is you're reaction is making me uncomfortable so I need you to stop having this reaction so I can stop having this discomfort. And that was so convicting to me. Because it is SO TRUE for me. The other important thing that the authors bring up is grace and compassion for the people we interact, but just as importantly (more importantly), OURSELVES. Because that is also how we show up and model to our littles and others how to mess up. We will mess up. It's the human experience, but it doesn't need to form our identity. We can learn from it and as aforementioned, while we're alive, we'll have plenty of practice opportunities. ;)
Highly recommend for anyone that engages with kids in any capacity.
The biggest takeaway for me is being the support for the child and helping them feel safe and loved before problem solving for "behavioral issues" or what is perceived as such. And for me to become self aware to my own feelings/triggers/discomfort. Near the end, an example is given where the child is freaking out about something and the adult says "You have nothing to be scared of, you're safe, etc". And the author explains how that actually invalidates the child's experience and that what the adult is really saying is you're reaction is making me uncomfortable so I need you to stop having this reaction so I can stop having this discomfort. And that was so convicting to me. Because it is SO TRUE for me. The other important thing that the authors bring up is grace and compassion for the people we interact, but just as importantly (more importantly), OURSELVES. Because that is also how we show up and model to our littles and others how to mess up. We will mess up. It's the human experience, but it doesn't need to form our identity. We can learn from it and as aforementioned, while we're alive, we'll have plenty of practice opportunities. ;)
Highly recommend for anyone that engages with kids in any capacity.
September 12, 2024
I found this to be a very helpful book, and am starting to put some of the practices it introduces into play. As well, a few of the chapters up front, I am going to find time to review again soon to refresh my memory, because they were so jam packed with information, I know it didn't all stick and a refresher will help.
This book is based around the idea of Collaborative Emotion Processing, which is referred to as CEP mostly throughout the book. It seems to me like gentle parenting taken to the nth degree, so if that's not your thing, you might come into this book and not be convinced by its ideas.
But for me, I was realizing already that when my kids are very upset, you can't really teach them or expect them to learn, you have to take a minute to calm them down first. And this book is basically about that, in detail - it starts with an analysis of the limbic system and how, when children are upset, they are not trying to be bad but are dysregulated. The book goes into detail into the different types of dysregulation a child may be experiencing, and different techniques that you can use to help them re-regulate themselves. This on its own was worth the price of admission for me, and is one of the chapters I am going to be re-evaluating.
But a key idea in the book is that limbic systems talk to each other. A kid with a dysregulated limbic system will dysregulate your limbic system. So very much of this book is just about recognizing emotions, in yourself, and in your child. You need to recognize your own emotions and your own impulses to calm yourself down, before you can help your child recognize and calm their own emotions. This is CEP, and this is the crux of the book. And it strikes me as true - I've noticed in the times when I've been least successful managing my kids emotions, it's when I was having my own emotional reaction to their emotions, and I was only able to help them once I calmed myself. I wish I had had these tools earlier for my older child, and am glad I'll have them for most of my younger childs life.
In terms of content, this book is front loaded with the best stuff. The second half of the book is more about the application of these techniques in specific ways, like when there are more than one child around, or when a child is going through a transition. I skimmed these a bit more, just picking out the bits that are relevant. Actually, my daughter has been having a hard time now that she's started full day school, and I got to the chapter that covered that at just the right moment - hopefully I'll be able to help her through this transition better going forward.
Ultimately the goal of this book is to help your child learn to be more emotionally intelligent. This is something I had to learn as an adult, rather than as a child, and I am still learning. Hopefully the techniques in this book will help me help my children start further ahead of the game there.
A worthwhile read.
This book is based around the idea of Collaborative Emotion Processing, which is referred to as CEP mostly throughout the book. It seems to me like gentle parenting taken to the nth degree, so if that's not your thing, you might come into this book and not be convinced by its ideas.
But for me, I was realizing already that when my kids are very upset, you can't really teach them or expect them to learn, you have to take a minute to calm them down first. And this book is basically about that, in detail - it starts with an analysis of the limbic system and how, when children are upset, they are not trying to be bad but are dysregulated. The book goes into detail into the different types of dysregulation a child may be experiencing, and different techniques that you can use to help them re-regulate themselves. This on its own was worth the price of admission for me, and is one of the chapters I am going to be re-evaluating.
But a key idea in the book is that limbic systems talk to each other. A kid with a dysregulated limbic system will dysregulate your limbic system. So very much of this book is just about recognizing emotions, in yourself, and in your child. You need to recognize your own emotions and your own impulses to calm yourself down, before you can help your child recognize and calm their own emotions. This is CEP, and this is the crux of the book. And it strikes me as true - I've noticed in the times when I've been least successful managing my kids emotions, it's when I was having my own emotional reaction to their emotions, and I was only able to help them once I calmed myself. I wish I had had these tools earlier for my older child, and am glad I'll have them for most of my younger childs life.
In terms of content, this book is front loaded with the best stuff. The second half of the book is more about the application of these techniques in specific ways, like when there are more than one child around, or when a child is going through a transition. I skimmed these a bit more, just picking out the bits that are relevant. Actually, my daughter has been having a hard time now that she's started full day school, and I got to the chapter that covered that at just the right moment - hopefully I'll be able to help her through this transition better going forward.
Ultimately the goal of this book is to help your child learn to be more emotionally intelligent. This is something I had to learn as an adult, rather than as a child, and I am still learning. Hopefully the techniques in this book will help me help my children start further ahead of the game there.
A worthwhile read.
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