Spoiler Alert! I read this book all the way through so you wouldn’t have to! (You’re welcome!) So there may well be spoilers within this review!
Vanished by Elizabeth Heiter is without a doubt one of the worst mysteries I have read in a long time. The heroine, FBI profiler Evelyn Baine, is simply too stupid to live.
Okay, the first sign of trouble is when she insists she has to be involved in a case in which she is personally involved—a serial killer who kidnapped her best friend when she was growing up has resurfaced in the small South Carolina town where she used to live, and Evelyn absolutely insists that she has to be the profiler assigned to the case.
I could live with that, after all, it is a standard feature of mysteries, although I don’t like it. But this woman is absolutely too dumb to be working for the FBI. First of all, there is a riot at police headquarters when the victim’s father is arrested for beating up one of the suspects in the kidnapping of his daughter. The police chief orders her to stay inside the station while his men rush outside in full riot gear to try to contain the situation. So what does idiot Evelyn do? She grabs a bullhorn, runs outside, and tells the crowd that their actions aren’t helping and they need to let the police handle things. So the crowd turns on her, she gets knocked to the ground and pepper sprayed. The police have to stop what they are doing to try to protect her. What an idiot!
Then Evelyn joins the search for the missing girl, but doesn’t join any of the actual search groups. Instead she goes off by herself where she is accosted by one of the suspects. Once again, she has to be rescued, this time by a fellow FBI agent who has been deployed to the same area on a different case. However, he is interested in Evelyn so he spends more time sniffing around her than he does dealing with his own case.
Next she goes with another police officer to interview a suspect, and while she is in the bathroom of the suspect’s house, she conducts an illegal search of the toilet tank and discovers a trove of pictures of children. Of course, the police cannot act on it since it was an illegal search. Then she goes by herself to another suspect’s house, trespasses on his property and conducts another illegal search. The suspect sees her and calls the FBI to file a complaint against her. Rightfully she should be taken off the case, but she just CAN’T BE! So the FBI sends another agent to serve as the profiler and demotes her to assistant. Now she has two FBI agents dogging her every step of the way.
While all of this is going on, Evelyn continuously has flashbacks to her childhood, remembering when her friend was kidnapped. She has attacks of the vapors at this memory—crying jags, dizziness, etc. So all the guys around her go into all protective mode because they are so concerned about how poor Evelyn is holding up. Why the heck they don’t pack this ding-a-ling off to an FBI post in some place like Nebraska where she can’t possibly do any harm is beyond me.
Then she gets shot at and once again, the guys are all circling her like sharks in full protection mode. There follows a bunch more stupidity until the end of the book when she goes off, again on her own- even though her partner and her boyfriend are expressly falling all over themselves to make sure she is always with someone. This time she conveniently forgets her cell phone so she can’t call for help when she needs it. Not that it would have mattered because the killer- who is completely unlike Evelyn’s profile, by the way, easily gets the drop on her. Unfortunately her boyfriend comes riding to the rescue and saves her in the nick of time. This book is part of a series so readers will have plenty of opportunities to read about the most incompetent FBI agent and profiler in history.
Ironically, the author’s bio at the back of this book says she likes strong heroines. I got news for her—Evelyn Baine is one of the wimpiest heroines I’ve come across in a long time.
If you want to read a good series about a competent FBI agent, check out Allison Brennan’s Lucy Kincaid series. It even has a touch of romance in it, if that’s how you like your mysteries. The Evelyn Baine series, however, sets the cause of women’s rights about 300 years.
Disclaimer: I received a free copy of this book from Amazon in exchange for an honest review.