"if we deny our acts, our history, our words, our fears about others and ourselves, we may very well lose precious parts of multiple truths holding, keeping us alive. Our homes, families, nation, dreams alive on this treacherous slaveroad we all ride" (172).
This another John Edgar Wideman masterpiece that I've read deeply, taking me into a space of sorrow, grief, heartbreak as in this work, Professor Wideman writes two types of memoirs: both an actual autobiography, and an imagined memoir that delves into the legacy of systemic racism and slavery in our nation, "and though you remain you, you and only you, you are also somebody so much like you that you can't always tell the difference on this slaveroad" (12).
First, the imagined memoir is Professor Wideman taking the reader into the world of William Henry Sheppard, a man who is considered "colored" because of what Jim Crow laws deemed his bloodline to be- though he is partially white. Sheppard goes off to Africa to convert Africans into Christianity, and Wideman explores this story with that of Chinua Achebe's relationship with "the horror" that Joseph Conrad's "Heart of Darkness" explores, and of Achebe's anger that led him to writing the masterpiece "Things Fall Apart" as a response to Conrad's racist attitude; and making sense of Sheppard's own fraught, and imagined history, "words separating each one of us from the other one. Separating languages each person speaks, each of us alone in vast silence beyond words" (3).
The second part of Wideman's book is his actual memoir. I have read in other books of his that he is constantly trying to make sense with and reconciling, and fighting the emotions of his brother having been incarcerated, and of his own son also incarcerated in Arizona to this day. Wideman is constantly grieving, filled with sorrow that the loves of his life have suffered systemic racism in such a way that is neverending, "I will do my best this time...to accomplish more than simply expressing deep regret about how irresistible, tragic, predictable, inevitable it is for most of us to become lost on the slaveroad" (132). This is certainly a theme that has come up time and time again from the books of his that I've read.
Grief always leads to feelings of despair and displacement, into a mindset that makes one not feel welcome, and lost. In his chapter "Here", Wideman writes about feeling that he does not belong in New York City- a city that is supposed to be the sanctuary of dreams for those looking for a better life in a fraught America, "no matter how much you learn, deny, improve, forget, improvise, you remain among the lost" (113).
It's one of the saddest essays I've read about grief- and this book is bitter, bleak, and not for the faint of heart. It's for those who wish to listen, to listen to a story that keeps going on repeat because of past traumas, both real and imagined, "words of stories imitate time, like a poor man's play money imitates riches of the rich" (128).
As someone who is often attracted to sad stories, and to stories that are about marginalized communities, stories that I know connect to my own life and lived experiences- life stops for a book like this. To learn, to feel, and to be sad. I think that's okay to always feel haunted.