Пробачити те, що неможливо забути. Як рухатися далі, примиритися з болісними спогадами та жити життя, яке знову буде прекрасним

by Lysa TerKeurst, Ангеліна Колодніцька (translator)

Уже добре знайома українським читачам авторка бестселерів Ліза Теркерст цього разу пропонує підкріплені власним досвідом способи, як активувати процес визнання провин і прощення, обравши путівником Слово Боже.

● Що робити, коли здається, що прощення насправді нічого не виправить?

● Чи прощення означає, що я маю відновити стосунки з людиною, яка мене скривдила?

● Чи взагалі можливо простити, якщо ця людина не шкодує про те, що зробила?

Книжка містить відверті й проникливі свідчення зраненої жінки, яка вчиться прощати кривдникам. Це складно, але можливо, – запевнює авторка, наголошуючи, що Бог зцілив її серце саме через силу прощення.

Genres: Self Help, Christian, Nonfiction, Faith, Christian Living, Audiobook, Religion

328 pages, Hardcover

Published January 1, 2024

About the author

Lysa TerKeurst is President and Chief Visionary Officer of Proverbs 31 Ministries. She is also an 8x New York Times’ bestselling author of I Want to Trust You, but I Don't, Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget, It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way, Uninvited and more. Her devotional Embraced won the ECPA book of the year for 2019. Lysa was also recently awarded the Champions of Faith Author Award and has appeared on the Today Show many times as one of the leading voices in the Christian community.

Each year, Lysa is a featured keynote presenter at events all across North America and online, including the Global Leadership Network. She also tours state-to-state regularly with TPR. She has a passion for equipping women to share their stories for God’s glory through Proverbs 31 Ministries’ annual She Speaks Conference and her writer training program called COMPEL Pro. Connect with Lysa on social media @lysaterkeurst or at lysaterkeurst.com.

Reviews

[Lindsay Nixon · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is more christian memoir than nonfiction or self-help. It’s not an actionable book written by a psychologist.

[Mackenzie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a lamp to the dark corners of my soul ! Where I had assumed lingering hurt were just after effects of forgiveness, Lysa Terkeurst helped to expose those areas as lingering unforgiveness - color me stirred & shaken 😳

But I’m so glad for it all coming to light now. I’ve got some work cut out ahead of me, but it’s hopeful work; good work. And I will definitely refer back to her list of verses that catalog the importance of forgiveness for all believers. It’s truly talked about so stinkin’ much in the Bible & for good reason! We seriously can’t go a day when we won’t need to forgive at least one person - someone cut you off in rush hour traffic today, and you didn’t flip them off but instead prayed for their safety to get wherever they’re going? That’s the power of forgiveness, baby! 👏🏼

Not a book I feel should be rushed through though! Let each chapter sit & simmer for a day or two as God reveals every little ounce of unforgiveness you still have left to deal with. It’s hard & so very painful, but it’s also so very necessary in order to experience healing & freedom!

[Christy · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 stars

A great read about the power of forgiveness. I admire the author so much for putting her struggles out there so boldly to help others. I got a lot out of this one, and I loved that the author narrated it herself.

Audio book source: Libby (library borrow)
Story Rating: 4 stars
Narrator: Lysa TerKeurst
Narration Rating: 4.5 stars
Genre: Non-fiction
Length: 8 hours and 7 minutes

[Shannon A · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book hits hard. I am very happy I read it. If you have any trauma and forgiveness journey In your life, I highly recommend!!

[S.G. Willoughby · Rating 5 out of 5]

Please read this. It was so incredibly good. I laughed. I wept. I covered the pages in notes and underlines. I journaled and prayed and grieved and healed.

This is a book that I think every human needs

I originally started reading it because I needed to be forgiven. And then I realized I needed to forgive. And then midway through, I lost one of my best friends.

I... goodness, there are too many quotes and insights to share, I can't choose only a few for this review. My friends and IG followers heard me gush.

Random strangers head me gush. Actually, that's one reason I think everyone needs this book. Whenever I read this in public, someone would notice the title and strike up a conversation. I got to share my testimony with four different people by that happening. Everyone needs this book. Or really, everyone needs the gospel this points to.

Lysa writes with honesty and compassion while speaking the truth in love. A balance that is hard to find but incredibly beautiful and powerful.

Just read it, y'all, would you? ;)

[Oceana Reads Co. · Rating 5 out of 5]

I always appreciate her words.

[Olivia | Liv's Library · Rating 5 out of 5]

”Forgiveness is the weapon. Our choices moving forward are the battlefield. Moving on is the journey.”

”You can’t fake yourself into being okay with what happened. But you can decide that the one who hurt you doesn’t get to decide what you do with your memories. Your life can be a graceful combination of beautiful and painful.”

I could quote this entire book, but all I can say is that I highly recommend this one. ♥️

Every time I read a Lysa book, it ends up being one of the most powerful books I’ve ever read & one I need at the perfect time of my life & this one is no exception. This year has been one of the hardest in regards to relationships & this book brought me so much peace, healing & understanding. Lysa has such a way with words that I’m convinced she’s inside my head! I can’t wait to dive into another one of her books.

[Warren Cheng · Rating 1 out of 5]

Felt like sitting in a 10-hour biblical study group with no restroom break.

[Christine Indorf · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really at a lost to do this review. Lysa Terkeurst writes a book of forgiveness. I had to say I did get a lot out of it but she did lose me at the end. Lysa bases this book on her husband affair and how she had to find forgiveness for him. He for a long time wasn't remorseful. I really felt for her and her journey. Here is what I took from her situation. She wanted to get back with him so she had to learn how to forgive him and she teaches us from her experience. A part of me wanted to yell at her to leave him for good because for the longest time he went on with his life and left her to suffer. Personally I would have never given him a 2nd chance. Being a Christian doesn't mean we should be walked on. I learned of forgiveness from Lysa which as Christian we are called to forgive 7x70, but also not to be walked upon. The other problem she used her separation with her husband as the center of this book and she leaves you not knowing how they came back together, you only know they did. Did she let him walk on her to have him back. Now if you know the whole story I would love to hear it. Just reading this book and not knowing Lysa myself, I worry about her. Do I recommend this book? Yes but her story of her husband is the plot of the book and it can get frustrating at times. I will leave this decision up to you.

[Marcia · Rating 3 out of 5]

What grabbed my attention about this book was the author's question, "Have you ever had a reason to break your life into a Before & After? Before a traumatic event and after?” Well I for one definitely have experienced this and I’m sure most people have. So I thought I’ll check this out. But I really had no idea that this was going to be so biblically based. I mean I could have figured that out by googling the author, but I didn’t I just downloaded it and started reading. I can see how this book would be very useful to a Christian. This book wasn’t what I was looking for. I was hoping for a book that would talk about these same issues, but wouldn’t tell me to just pray about it or give it up to the lord. So go in with your eyes open to the fact that this author is not a therapist or counselor, instead she is a Christian woman who has been through a lot and has a very specific way of dealing with it all.

[Lesia Orders · Rating 1 out of 5]

I really like Lysa TerKeurst and have done many of her studies. When this one came out I was super excited but then started it, could not even finish our bible studies and this just turned me off. I was expecting something COMPLETELY different and a guide on how to HELP move on. Lysa was again only talking about herself, her divorce and it seemed like this bible study was not a bible study but a cry for us to listen. We all need someone to listen to our problems and try to help us out, but this only brought to me a story of her life... again. I know that they have to use examples of life to give us a better understanding, but it seems like more and more of her books are just story telling of her divorce.
Sorry Lysa, this one was a no go for me :(

[Jodi · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was okay..



I felt like it was more of a memoir instead of a self help book.

[Donna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is Nonfiction - Christian. The author talks about forgiveness in such a personal way. At times, it was helpful and enlightening as she used scripture and biblical stories to illustrate her topic. But in equal measure, at times this was a bit irritating. Mostly because of the repetition and constant ME-ME-ME-I-I-I. I get this was personal to her, but as a writer there are other ways to say things without the constant over use of those two little personal pronouns.

But putting that irritation aside, this was insightful and I loved her use of the scriptures. It came across as sincere and honest. I LOVE that. So 4 stars.

[Louise Hulewsky · Rating 1 out of 5]

She is exhausting. She finally divorces her ridiculous husband (not covered in this book). Trite, redundant tropes. She’s clearly had a rough life but she’s not an expert on anything.

[Candy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oh my goodness, get this book. I went through it with highlighters and plan on reading it again. What a fantastic book on dealing with forgiveness.

[Kristina · Rating 2 out of 5]

1.5 stars, rounded up

This book is a mess. For starters it is a memoir of the author's life, not the Christian living book as it is marketed. While this is annoying, its overshadowed by poor theology. God owes us nothing and nowhere does the Bible say anything about our wants and timeframes being met because we prayed about it. What a mess our lives would be without God's divine guidance and His perfect timing. There's also a chapter entitled "Forgiving God", which communicates the implication that God sins when this is untrue. This is explained at the very end of the chapter, but it is all still in poor taste. We can certainly be mad or frustrated with God, but that is ultimately our own sin and we are the ones who then need to repent and seek His forgiveness.

All that being said, TerKeurst is also just not the author for me. She comes off as very emotional, at times bordering on unstable. (She shares experiences getting caught having a meltdown and slamming a door repeatedly by a delivery driver and not even acknowledging/apologizing, tearing up someone else's mailed paperwork because she couldn't control her feelings, and admits she vengefully takes her feelings out on others.) I'm also aware TerKuerst ended up divorcing her husband after the publication of this title, so any positives she mentioned in her story feel inauthentic.

The only redeeming portion of this book is the afterword, which looks at actual Scripture focusing on forgiveness, with snippets of teaching from sound, expository preachers such as Spurgeon.

I was recommended another book from this author, but thought the topic of forgiveness was one I should read first. I was hesitant with the author given her association with false teachers and other problematic things I've seen regarding her teaching styles. It's also beginning to be a red flag when someone has a widely popular ministry, as Biblical Truth is generally not met with a wide appeal. I will still be reading the recommended book, but do not have high hopes at all.

Format: Audiobook (via Hoopla)
Rating: 1.5 stars
Book 7 of 2024

[Rachel Hanes · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 Stars.

I’m a big fan of It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way by Lysa TerKeurst, so I was super excited to get a copy of this book. I had high expectations for this book considering the topic of forgiveness, because Lord knows it’s very hard to forgive people and let go of hurt that’s caused.
Unfortunately, I became rather bored with this book. It started off strong, but then about halfway through it became rather redundant. In fact, I don’t believe I got a clear answer on how to forgive other than to go and read some scripture verses that were recommended...
Am I big fan of Lysa TerKeurst? Yes. Do I recommend this book? Unfortunately, no.

[Kara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book does a beautiful job balancing scripture truth about forgiveness with sensitivity and acknowledgement of the deep emotions of hurt that so many books in this genre fail to accomplish. Each chapter is deep, challenging, and real--like sitting down with a friend and counselor at the same time. I cried through nearly every chapter as God's word spoke to me, and I plan to revisit these pages often in the future.

There's so much I'd like to remember from these pages, but this is what I decided to include in this review for my future help.

Introduction:
"You can't edit reality to try and force healing. you can't fake yourself into being okay with what happened. But you can decide that the one who hurt you doesn't get to decide what you do with your memories. your life can be a graceful combination of beautiful and painful. you don't have to put either definitive label on what once was. It can be both-and."

Chapter 1 Forgiveness, the double-edged word
"...while [this message] will offer truckloads of grace, it is fueled with God's truth. After all, grace gives us the assurance that it's safe enough to soften our fearful hearts, but it is the truth that will set us free."

Chapter 3 Is this even survivable?
"If healing hasn't' been worked out and forgiveness hasn't' been walked out, chaos is what will continue to play out."

Chapter 4 How is forgiveness even possible?
"I must separate my healing from others' repentance or lack thereof. My ability to heal cannot be conditional on them wanting my forgiveness but only on my willingness to give it. And I have to separate my healing from any of this being fair. My ability to heal cannot be conditional on the other person receiving adequate consequences for their disobedience but only on my obedience to trust God's justice whether I ever see it or not. My healing is my choice. I can heal. I can forgive. I can trust God. And none of those beautiful realities are held hostage by another person."
I love how TerKeurst deals with the emotions and repercussions after the original episode of hurt. Her mantra: I forgive _____ for ______. And whatever my feelings don't yet allow for, the blood of Jesus will surely cover.

Chapter 6 Connecting the Dots
"At the same time we grieve a loss, we gain more and more awareness of an eternal perspective."
"Everything lost that we place in the hands of God isn't a forever loss."
"...when I mentally place each and every loss in His hands, it can be redeemed."
The way she describes her marriage reconciliation and freedoms is beautiful in this chapter. "There is vulnerability. There's no performing. There are no secrets. And if I cry in the midnight hours, he wakes up. Literally. There is safety we never had before. Emotion. tears. Honesty. Freedom to discover what's inside without worrying it will label us with issues or scare the other one away. Just plain humanity set before another who is fully aware of their own frailties. We are free to just be with each other without the pressure of needing to fix each other."
"My trust gets built when I see God's work with my human eyes. But what builds my faith is when I can't see or understand what He does. Instead, I choose to place my trust in who He is and declare Him good in the midst of all the unknowns."

Chapter 7 Correcting the Dots
"The experiences I have affect the perceptions I form. The perceptions I form eventually become the beliefs I carry. The beliefs I carry determine what I see."
A way to journal through the hurt vs the perspectives I'm learning from the hurt:
1. be honest with the feelings I have
2. be brave enough to stop the accompanying runaway thoughts, even if I have to say that out loud
3. check possible distortions with other trusted friends, my counselor, and with the Word of God
4. find a scripture verse that can speak truth to some pat of the memory and apply God's Word to my thinking
5. process through it until I can find a more healed way of looking at and telling my story.
I don't need to:
1. Run away
2. Isolate
3. Numb it away: "Never am I closer to healing than when my feelings are strong enough to motivate me to attend to them."
4. Silence my journaled words.
"Emotional healing is not so much a level to reach as it is a new way of thinking you chose."
"When you let the hurt go and the grudges all leave, PERSPETIVE--a really great gift-- is what you'll receive."

Chapter 8 Unchangeable feels unforgiveable
"Forgiveness is a hard step to take, it's also the only step that leads to anything good."
1. Forgiveness is more satisfying than revenge.
2. Our God is not a do-nothing God.
3. Your offender is also suffering from pain.
4. The purpose of forgiveness is not always reconciliation.
5. The enemy is the real villain.

Chapter 9 Boundaries that help us stop dancing with dysfunction
"Forgiveness releases our need for retaliation, not our need for boundaries."
"...we are working toward keeping our compassion for others without slipping into having out-of-control reactions to their out-of-control actions."
Remember these things when setting boundaries:
"Adults inform, children explain."
"I can say no. I must not confuse the command to love with the disease to please."
"I will not crumble if the other person accuses me of wrong intentions when I set boundaries. Instead I can firmly say, 'Please hear me speak this in love. I will respect your choices. but I need you to respect my choices. Communicating my boundaries is not being controlling or manipulative. It is bringing wisdom into a complicated situation."

Chapter 10 Because they thought God would save them
"God loves us too much to answer our prayers at any other time than the right time."
"He is faithful, so if He's allowing what I'm seeing, it must somehow be part of His weaving together a much bigger plan."
"His silence is not proof of His absence. And my broken perception is not evidence of His broken promise."
"Hope is the echo of eternity assuring us there is resurrection ahead of us. Faith is believing that whether we see it on earth or in heaven, God will return the world to the description of His original design: 'It is all good.' The perfection of Eden isn't just gone, it's also in the process of returning."
"Hope is the melody of the future. Faith is dancing in that melody right now."

Chapter 11 Forgiving God
"We only see what the human mind can imagine. God is building something we cannot even fathom."
"...pray what you know to pray. Pray what you need to pray. Pray all the words and let the tears flow into sobs and demands and frustrations and doubts mixed with hope. But then let the faithfulness of God interpret what you see. Let the faithfulness of God build your trust. Let the faithfulness of God ease the ache of your confusion and bitterness and bewilderment."

Chapter 12 The part that loss plays
"What we've gone through is not a waste when it fertilizes that softened ground of our hearts, increasing the chances for new life to thrive."

Chapter 13 Bitterness is a bad deal that makes big promises
"Wrongs we deem were never made right are incredibly stealthy in their ability to sit, quietly seething, until that one more wrong done to us gives them permission to finally scream."
"If our reaction is hysterical, it is historical."
"I have a choice to keep adding my anger and resentment into the equation, or I can make the rare choice to add in my own humility. My anger and resentment demands that all the wrongs are made right. It also keeps me positioned to get emotionally triggered over and over. My humility wants something even better: peace."
"Adding humility into the situation acknowledges the unfairness I have felt but affirms a trust in God to do what He needs to both in their hearts and mine."
"The Greeks thought of peace as the absence of hostility. But Paul is teaching that peace is the atmosphere we can bring into hostility. This peace is a wholeness we have because of our relationship with God. ... In other words, peace in my life isn't being prevented by other people's choices. It's made possible by my choices. ... This truly is possible, but only if we surrender our offenses daily, keep our hearts swept clean of bitterness, and remain humble even when we are hurt."

Chapter 14 Living the practice of forgiveness every day
"Confession breaks the cycle of chaos inside of me. Forgiveness breaks the cycle of chaos between us."
"The best time to forgive is before we are ever offended. The next best time to forgive is right now."
"Maturity isn't the absence of hard stuff. Maturity is the evidence that a person allowed the hard stuff to work for them rather than against them. Most of the time we only think about what hardships take from us. Maturity helps us see how hardships can add what's missing in our development. Maturity helps us become more self-aware. Maturity helps us process with healthier perspectives. Maturity sets us up for healthier relationships. And maturity has a depth of empathy for others and a patience for imperfection that is less likely to get so easily offended."

The Beauty of Forgiving
"There is an undeniable connection between what we really believe to be true about vertical forgiveness and our willingness to extend horizontal forgiveness."
"...Sometimes the only way to live at peace with some people is to remember that, while forgiveness is unlimited and unconditional, reconciliation is limited and conditional based on repentance, their willingness to be discipled, and their humility in the restoration process."
"The more we are full of God, the less and less we will be full of ourselves. The more we know and imitate God's ways, the more humble we become. The more humble we become, the quicker we desire to submit to God, resist the devil, and make sure the words we use contain godly wisdom and not bitterness and selfishness."

[Rebecca Graziano · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is not a book about biblical forgiveness. This is a woman’s personal testimony as it relates to her journey with forgiveness. It’s like reading her diary…. There is an entire chapter dedicated to explaining her childhood. Enough said.

There’s nothing of value, if you are looking for theological study.

I was very disappointed. There’s a much better book, Forgiving Forward.

[Faloni © · Rating 5 out of 5]

Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst is a powerful, faith-driven guide to releasing past hurts, making peace with painful memories, and reclaiming joy. ✨📖💛

With raw honesty and deep wisdom, TerKeurst shares her personal journey of heartbreak and healing, offering biblical insights and practical steps to move forward. She doesn’t shy away from the complexity of forgiveness—it’s not about excusing the hurt, but about freeing yourself from its hold. 🙏🏽💔➡️💖

For anyone struggling with unresolved pain, this book is a compassionate companion, reminding us that peace is possible—even when the past still lingers. 🕊️✨

[Toofan · Rating 1 out of 5]

Audio book: Audio quality: Good, narration:Good
It seems like repetitive rambling of someone how is trying to convince herself.

[Cori · Rating 3 out of 5]

Part of me thinks this book would be more powerful the earlier in recovery someone were to pick it up. I also think working through Celebrate Recovery's workbooks makes most other reading materials on forgiveness and amends feel a bit more cake. Though for me, many of the earlier chapters kind of had me nodding along with familiarity as I read, there were still practical elements I was able to pick out of it. I liked Lysa's collect the dots/connect the dots/correct the dots idea. That's something I did end up doing in my journal and liked the outcome of it.

It's no secret, I've shared openly that I'm a survivor of childhood sexual assault, so that was my personal approach to this book, but the material is applicable for any level of minor hurt to outright heartbreak.

Definitely do recommend for anyone working through recovery and forgiveness.

I'd rate this a PG.

[Linda Grebler · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was blessed to be a part of an early focus group in 2019 as Lysa was writing this book. I knew she would wrestle well with the events in her life and seek answers in His word. If you are struggling with an event (or several) in your life, this is a great place to find some help with how to forgive and how to move on to happiness.

[Anna Kao · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was probably the best counseling I ever received, and it cost me less than a single session of therapy! Lysa captured the feelings of unforgiveness TOO well, in a way that left me feeling naked. She is real about the pain and even realer about the steps we need to take to move forward. I appreciated how Biblical & practical it was.

[LaTrice McNeil-Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

I needed to start my year off with this book. I cried heavy tears because this is exactly what I need to move forward and forgive. Definitely will get the physical copy and reread.

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book provided a very tender and unique approach to healing that I had not yet explored as a lifelong Catholic. I'm glad I was able to finish this! Although the writing is Christian based and uses Biblical text throughout, Lysa offers a very raw and (in my opinion) very rare story of forgiveness that all people can relate to.
Personally, this book did not heal anything for me overnight, but it offered a new perspective that I found extremely valuable in allowing myself to get out from under my grief and consider living the life I am meant to live.
I will probably read this book again at some point!

[Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is my favorite book by Lysa thus far. Forgiveness is so important, but can be so difficult to do. I could relate personally with this book from a circumstance I experienced many years ago. I think we all struggle with forgiveness at times. It’s beautifully written and much needed in our world today. Highly recommend! This one made my favorites list for 2020. ❤️

[Desiree Ford · Rating 1 out of 5]

if you’re a christian, i’m sure this book would be a great read for forgiveness. i should have read the fine print about her years of theological studies before deciding to press play on the audiobook. i didn’t finish listening, she mentioned jesus too many times for me to continue.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an important book for Christians who have been devastated by someone or something. Sharing helps and sharing hope really helps.

[Jasmine (Jazzie) [Jesus Loves You!!] · Rating 4 out of 5]

What we look for is what we will see. What we see determines our perspective. And our perspective becomes our reality.

~My Thoughts~
Well…. My emotions definitely weren't a roller-coaster as I read this…. 👀🫣
So, I'm not quite sure what to say about this book, but it did help me a lot. It helped me realize that with some of the things that happened to me that I thought I had forgiven, I hadn't really, especially when it came to forgiving myself, and it really did help me get past all that and to actually completely forgive them. So… yeah…. I'm really glad I read this book!

~Content Warnings~
(Warning! 🚨 Before you go any further, there is a chance that something I've said about the content could possibly be a bit spoilerish, so please proceed with caution!)

So, because this is a Non-fiction book, I am going to do this CW a bit differently. It won't be laid fully out, or as detailed as my usual reviews, but I will touch on a few things that were mentioned in this book.

The author's husband cheated on her, she was s*xually assaulted as a child, and she was bullied some in school, too.

There's also many mentions of God, and praying, and the Bible, too, along with church and stuff. Quoting scriptures from the Bible. Mentions of Jewish traditions.

~Other Notes~
It's definitely not a book for just anyone, especially not for younger teens and kids, but this book is really good for older teens and adults who are going through things. And I just want to say that to everyone who reads this review and is struggling with something, I just want you to know that it gets better. Regardless of what you're going through, it will only last for a season, not a lifetime. One day you'll be able to use that as a testimony to help someone else out. God wouldn’t allow you to go through something without Him having a plan to use it for His good later. I also want you to know that I'm praying for you, and if you ever need to talk, I'm here. 💝

~My Age Recommendation~
17 years old and up.

~Will I Read the Rest of the Series/More from this Author?~
Yes.

~Will I reread this book at some point in time?~
I might.