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296 pages, Hardcover
First published February 17, 2015
Carrying an oil paper umbrella
alone, I make my way down a
long, long and lonely lane in the rain,
pacing back and forth, hoping to encounter a
young woman knotted with sadness and hate
like a bud of lilac
The sound I heard, beyond being entangled in my own questioning, was the sound of bicycles braking high on the slope above the north end of the bridge, the sound of bicycle chains.
I knew it was the sound of school being let out. They must have lowered the flag, listened to the speech of exhortation, dispersed, and set off for home. Nine hundred male students were surging out, swinging identical book bags in the same color and with the same weight, their hats on their heads, in their hands, or, like mine, thrust into their book bags. I didn't attend the flag-lowering ceremony today. Starting around noon, I couldn't sit still, as a strange, unformed melody floated through my mind, as if from the other side of a high, dark, ancient wall someone abandoned himself to chanting for me a fragmented but still special and recognizable song of prudence, pronouncing words that were difficult to understand but occasionally stressing a certain expression, seemingly also what I frequently heard between sleep and wakefulness. I looked around me: the distant sky, sea, prostrate mountains, the aged banyan tree, hibiscus, canna lilies, and the beehive under the eaves, steadily growing larger by the day. 'How am I to let go, be free, release myself, and be different from others?' I repeatedly asked myself such silly questions and then when totally exhausted, 'How can I prove that I am different from others?' The blackboard was covered with proper nouns: 'Age of Enlightenment,' 'feudal lord,' 'serf,' 'guild,' 'Galileo,' 'isolationism,' and 'indulgence.'