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How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing With Toxic & Difficult to Love Personalities
Book by John L. Lund
304 pages, Paperback
First published August 1, 1999
130 people are currently reading
3274 people want to read
About the author
John Lewis Lund
23 books23 followersDr John L. Lund is a great writer and his CD's on human interaction are fun, informative, and entertaining. He has taught in major universities in Utah, Idaho, and California, hosts trips to Israel and Mesoamerica and is a fantastic archeologist too. Check out his books in both fields and you will find a great writer to follow here on Goodreads.com.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 192 reviews
January 5, 2010
I'm afraid to admit that I read this book for help in dealing with another person and shamefully recognized myself within its pages. Oh my. I love the practical advice in this book, how to receive criticism, and how to give criticism, as well as tactics for dealing with critical, toxic people in one's life. This book gave me my 2010 personal maxim: Be my Highest and Best Self. I give others the right to be whatever version of themselves they want to be. I just decide on me.
July 2, 2013
While I had come to realize a lot of the suggestions in this book, it was good to see it in writing. I grew up in a toxic home with toxic people and learning to treat people the way they should be treated and recognized how I should be treated as a person has been a long journey. My natural instinct often gets in the way. This book helps to clarify distinct boundaries and suggests ways to become my best self. Awesome read. Anyone wanting to be a better person should read this book! And even more they should read it if they have to deal with hard people in their lives!!!
Quote I liked:
"Positive reactions require time to think and ponder. Negative responses primarily emotional reactions require no thought. The goal is to keep yourself in control of you." p.92
Quote I liked:
"Positive reactions require time to think and ponder. Negative responses primarily emotional reactions require no thought. The goal is to keep yourself in control of you." p.92
January 21, 2009
Since I love reading these kinds of books, I was intrigued from the title alone. I had also heard the author lecture and knew he was excellent. When I brought this book home, it caused a stir as several family members came to me secretly suspecting they were the one who made me buy it. I only smiled without saying "who" and reminded them that some extended family members could also be suspect. :-) This book is very insightful and helps shine a light on an often unspoken problem. That of living with people that drain you with an onslaught of negativity. His case stories and examples are clear and he addresses the unspoken question of when to call it quits with "porcupines" and what you can do if you stay. Since he is a Mormon author and Dr. it is good to know he understands the eternal perspective on marriage and family. His empathy, advise, and understanding is valuable. My favorite line of his is this; Some of you will either marry your biggest trial or give birth to it. And some of you most unfortunate ones will do both!
March 10, 2012
This book was one series of amazing revelations after another about how toxic personalities in my life - those constantly negative people who drain all patience and happiness out of me - don't have to be given that power. This book teaches proper ways of dealing with people who refuse to be satisfied and how to keep from pinning your own happiness and self-worth on their skewed view of the world. A life-saver!
October 10, 2014
This book just got better and better as I read it, I especially liked the end. So many good ideas and tips, not just for dealing with 'porcupines', but in trying to become your best self.
August 28, 2023
Learnt a lot. An interesting read
August 20, 2012
The book was fabulous. I started reading it in hopes of knowing how to deal with the personalities of some specific people (people who are defined as "toxic"). The advice and coping skills are great. The part I didn't anticipate was the painful reality of my own toxic interactions. Luckily, there's a difference between having toxic interactions and being a toxic person. I have some improvements to make. I was already sold on Dr. Lund's approach after listening to his CD "For All Eternity" (http://deseretbook.com/All-Eternity-J...). I honestly think this book will help me be aware of how I interact with everyone around me. One of the great things, is being able to be around toxic people I love without allowing my self worth to be injured by them.
August 27, 2008
This has helped me in so many different ways. I have learned about toxic traits I have and learned how to deal with toxic traits I see in my family members and people I have to deal with frequently. It is a very interesting but sometimes difficult book to read. I've learned alot about myself, which can be humbling.
July 15, 2008
If you have anyone that you have a hard time dealing with just can't stand this book will help!! It more teaches you how to train YOURSELF to handle "colorful" people instead of trying to change them!! LOVED IT!!! It is a MUST read in this lifetime!!!!
April 5, 2011
5 stars/"It was amazing" means this is a really good book dealing with a very personal and unpleasant subject. Toxic relationships. I don't know how may people have to deal with toxic people in their lives but I would recommend this book to one and all who do. It helps with boundary setting, understanding what you can and can not control, and gives practical guidelines that help in interacting with an emotionally difficult relationship. I like the reassurance that I am not crazy, it is not all my fault, it is not all up to me to fix, the "stuff" going on in the relationship is not just my imagination, and there are things within my power I can do to lessen the insanity. Perhaps some would say, if a relationship is toxic - just leave it. Unfortunately, a toxic person will continue to provoke and try to insert themselves in your life. You may leave, you may want to leave - but the toxic person will never leave you. Hence, you need guidance and help to navigate through dangerous waters.
August 14, 2012
This book is basically an instruction manual on how to deal with people who are toxic, how to take criticism and how to give criticism. The bottom line is that you should put forward your best self regardless of what other people dish out to you. We are all tempted to take an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth when confronted with someone's toxic behavior, but there is a better way, a healthier way to respond. WE can't change someone's toxicity, but we CAN change how we react to it and that can have a positive effect. Sometimes it won't, but we don't have to take the fact that it didn't personally.
Some of the structure and mechanics of the writing bothered me (I can't help noticing that stuff), but the message is worth it especially if you take the information to heart and put it into practice.
Some of the structure and mechanics of the writing bothered me (I can't help noticing that stuff), but the message is worth it especially if you take the information to heart and put it into practice.
May 5, 2014
Priceless. Everyone must read this book.
June 21, 2019
Years ago, I told someone I was a bit of a porcupine when it comes to people. The person's response was, "Oh, I'm sorry." I meant to say I am private, I tend to not let people get close to me, and sometimes I emotionally distance myself from others. Clearly, that was before I read this book and discovered how Lund describes porcupine people. The word "toxic" is probably used more than any other word in this book. So a porcupine would be someone who isn't really good for other people. The quills they throw are verbal barbs, negative attitudes, and abusive actions. So of course I'm generally not a porcupine by this definition, though I'm definitely far from perfect.
This book has motivated me to want to eliminate most criticism, to try harder to be edifying in all my conversations, and to show more love to everyone in my life. I'm inclined to be a little more self protective than the author advocates, but that depends on the circumstances. I'm glad I don't have any classic porcupines in my life, just imperfect people like me who might have porcupine moments.
I like the author's focus on "being your best self" and helping others "become their best selves." A porcupine would not really do either. It's true we can't change other people, only ourselves. He says changing ourselves can involve goals, but we can't have goals for other people. The only thing we can have for others is wishes. Other people often change when they see us change. At the very least we won't make the problem worse if we avoid negative reactions. The author advocates taking personal responsibility for our emotions and responses. It's true that most criticism is not helpful and doesn't change behavior. I like his idea of trying to go for 24 hours (or more) without criticizing. He equates criticism to bloodletting. He says we don't realize how bad and unhelpful it really is. People want to be loved, appreciated, and accepted. Criticizing generally tears people down.
The author does contradict himself. He says there is no such thing as constructive criticism and later has whole sections on how to conduct positive criticism and how to react to criticism from others in a helpful way. There are definitely times when we need to say something that could be considered critical. He does do a pretty good job of explaining how to criticize in a way that can help people and situations.
I don't love all the author's examples. I don't love all the writing. I don't like reading when he writes in passive voice. I like the quizzes. I like many of his suggestions on how to deal with toxic people.
A lot of his ideas I've heard in other ways from other people, but I'm glad I read this book. I think the thoughts I've had while reading it will probably help me be a healthier, better, more loving person.
This book has motivated me to want to eliminate most criticism, to try harder to be edifying in all my conversations, and to show more love to everyone in my life. I'm inclined to be a little more self protective than the author advocates, but that depends on the circumstances. I'm glad I don't have any classic porcupines in my life, just imperfect people like me who might have porcupine moments.
I like the author's focus on "being your best self" and helping others "become their best selves." A porcupine would not really do either. It's true we can't change other people, only ourselves. He says changing ourselves can involve goals, but we can't have goals for other people. The only thing we can have for others is wishes. Other people often change when they see us change. At the very least we won't make the problem worse if we avoid negative reactions. The author advocates taking personal responsibility for our emotions and responses. It's true that most criticism is not helpful and doesn't change behavior. I like his idea of trying to go for 24 hours (or more) without criticizing. He equates criticism to bloodletting. He says we don't realize how bad and unhelpful it really is. People want to be loved, appreciated, and accepted. Criticizing generally tears people down.
The author does contradict himself. He says there is no such thing as constructive criticism and later has whole sections on how to conduct positive criticism and how to react to criticism from others in a helpful way. There are definitely times when we need to say something that could be considered critical. He does do a pretty good job of explaining how to criticize in a way that can help people and situations.
I don't love all the author's examples. I don't love all the writing. I don't like reading when he writes in passive voice. I like the quizzes. I like many of his suggestions on how to deal with toxic people.
A lot of his ideas I've heard in other ways from other people, but I'm glad I read this book. I think the thoughts I've had while reading it will probably help me be a healthier, better, more loving person.
May 23, 2021
Helpful advise on dealing with toxic behaviors and toxic people close to you. If you’re like me, you’ll quickly recognize the behaviors in your family, friends, colleagues, but especially yourself. Glad I bought a copy for reference.
This book helped accept that I cannot change toxic behavior in others, but I can change how I deal with them. My biggest take away is that the book provided me with some methods to make me into a better person to those around me and improve my self worth.
This book helped accept that I cannot change toxic behavior in others, but I can change how I deal with them. My biggest take away is that the book provided me with some methods to make me into a better person to those around me and improve my self worth.
August 30, 2017
Prickles doesn't mean unloving or unlovable. We still live in a society of many many personalities. Sometimes, helpful reminders on how to get along, understand, and give space to the harder to love can bring more peace to us and the social, working and family communities we strive to live in. A must read for a peaceful life
July 25, 2017
I was skeptical about this book I received, but figured it might have some practical advice I could use somewhere. Instead I found many ways in which I could improve myself.
The chapters on giving and receiving criticism were by far the most useful.
The chapters on giving and receiving criticism were by far the most useful.
October 9, 2017
Excellent guidance on how to safely interact and have a relationship with a destructive personality, as well as ways to identify if you are one yourself, and changes you can make.
I thought it was brilliant and have purchased my own copy.
(I listened to it as a book on CD, read and commented by the author)
I thought it was brilliant and have purchased my own copy.
(I listened to it as a book on CD, read and commented by the author)
February 9, 2018
Must-read for anyone who is less than perfect.
I now (finally) have a clear vision of how to become the best person I can be and how to make the best of my relationships with those around me. If you are only ever going to read one self-help book, then I recommend this one. Seriously, I cannot over-recommend this book.
I now (finally) have a clear vision of how to become the best person I can be and how to make the best of my relationships with those around me. If you are only ever going to read one self-help book, then I recommend this one. Seriously, I cannot over-recommend this book.
April 6, 2018
A great book that needs to be revisited often to remind you how to NOT be toxic or let toxic others tear you down.
Read
April 19, 2021`Worthwhile reading. Useful even if you are not a porcupine or don't have porcupines in your life.
May 10, 2019
I had high hopes for this book but I was a little let down. It was very short and pretty vague. I would have appreciated more applications and anecdotes. Offering the advice to be patient with a difficult coworker, or consistent with a teenager is good advice, but obvious and not very helpful.
January 18, 2020
Old fashioned in presentation, wise content. Worth a read.
January 25, 2013
One of the best books I have read about interpersonal relationships. Every adult should read it because it teaches how to better get along with everyone including yourself. The examples presented as very short stories make the reading fun. "A toxic behavior is any word, deed, or action which detracts from you being your best self or hinders others from becoming their best selves.. . . An emotionally healthy person accepts responsibility for his own happiness,. . . unhappiness,. . . expectations, and behaviors . . . [has] the ability to forgive self and others . . . [and] does not hold grudges nor withhold loving behaviors." Love and trust are distinctly different. Love is given, but trust must be earned. Dr. Lund's "I Love You" Creed: "Because I love you, I will assist you in becoming your highest and best self. But I will not enable you to self destruct, nor will I help you one inch to hell!" His "I Trust You" Creed: "I will trust you as you demonstrate responsible behavior. I will trust you when your words and behavior are consistent. I will trust you when you are doing what you say you will be doing and you are where you say you will be." I plan to read the book a second time.
January 17, 2009
I have to go back on my last comment about this book. It wasn't dry, that was a very quick judgement of mine because the first part of this book felt like a lecture from college. The meat of the book itself is absolutely worth 5 stars, it just wasn't delivered the right way for me in this book. Dr. Lund is a man that truly understands human interaction. He is the same man that gave the four CD talk set we own that I LOVE, and he wrote a couple of other books, all around the same subjects. I do think his ideas are a must read or a must hear for everyone. It helps you to realize how your communication comes across and puts it in the right perspective. I hope to get my hands on his most recent book "Without Offense: The Art of Giving and Receiving Criticism". I am guessing it's probably the most polished of all the versions. I would also bet he CD set about teenage porcupines is probably just as good. Just amazing stuff about applying true charity in your life.
August 23, 2011
This is not a novel, but a wonderful self help book. After going through personal struggles some 11 years ago, I found myself going to one of Johns Conferences and then began some couseling with him. It wasn't until last month, however, that I picked up this book. It is currently out of print but many copies can be found on Amazon. I found that I used this book more as a reflection and 'journal' of sorts, as I wrote notes and highlighted the words that inspired or reminded me of myself or others. Now I must read it often and keep it on a short chain so as others may not see my NOTES and perhaps worse, themselves in my notes!! Great book to help us all love more completely...or not, and break free from those toxic people.
October 18, 2016
I was already sold on his book Without Offense and his CD titled For All Eternity. Both of those books took a religious standpoint on communication issues whereas this one was more clinical. It is a must read for anyone dealing with difficult relationships and people. I've tried several techniques he offers. And although I don't feel like I've gotten anywhere, I do know it takes two willing individuals to make a relationship work. As long as I am working on the goal to be my highest and best self, that is the best I can do and to be at peace with that. Nobody can change who you are but you, and you must allow others the same right . . . to be be whatever version of themselves they want to be.
March 3, 2009
"Reaffirm your desire to become your healthiest and best self." What better goal could there be? When dealing with difficult relationships, there are several cliches. You can't make a person change; you can only change yourself. What a difference it makes to focus on positively changing yourself. "You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi
The author uses lots of stories to illustrate his suggestions. Not all the stories will be relatable, of course, but the suggestions are mostly concrete. My favorites are: choose healthy responses to the toxic person, set boundaries to protect yourself, and stay in control of your values.
The author uses lots of stories to illustrate his suggestions. Not all the stories will be relatable, of course, but the suggestions are mostly concrete. My favorites are: choose healthy responses to the toxic person, set boundaries to protect yourself, and stay in control of your values.
February 25, 2012
This book took a long time to read, only because I needed to immerse myself in what was said and to try and use his many wonderful ideas in my own life. I gave this 5 stars because this is my new reference book on how to deal with difficult personalities, but even more so, to make sure I don't become one myself. Even in little things, he reminds us that we need to always act in a way that we are the best we can be. He made me want to be a better person in all my relationships. He has so many examples, and I loved his down to earth remoinders of how people really work and practical solutions for our many relationship quanderies.
July 13, 2011
I think this is a very helpful book. It doesn't give you all the answers for each situation, but it does help you separate yourself from "toxic" people in a healthy way for you and a healthy way for them and still have a workable relationship. The main mantra is: you can't change others, you can only change yourself. This may mean character change or just some behavioral changes. There are great vignettes of success stories and also some failures that will hit home. It may even help identify porcupine characteristics in yourself (my own testimonial)! I would recommend this for anybody since there aren't very many people in the world that can get along with everybody!
March 8, 2012
For years I have enjoyed and come back to Dr. Lund's "For All Eternity" CD lectures. I found his website (drlund.com) and was intrigued by the quizzes "Am I Toxic to Myself?" "Am I Toxic to Others?" and "Do I Have a Toxic Mate?" Then I saw this book. I got it Monday and finished it early this morning (Thursday). For me : LIFE-CHANGING! He gives so much good advice on how to change your toxic behaviors and conflict resolution skills.
SPOILER ALERT! None of the help he gives will work unless you are willing to change your toxic behaviors. I appreciate the main premise of the book, which is to commit to be your healthiest and best self.
SPOILER ALERT! None of the help he gives will work unless you are willing to change your toxic behaviors. I appreciate the main premise of the book, which is to commit to be your healthiest and best self.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 192 reviews