When Longing Becomes Your Lover: Breaking from Infatuation, Rejection, and Perfectionism to Find Authentic Love: A True Story of Overcoming Limerence

by Amanda McCracken

"Readers of Glennon Doyle will especially appreciate this." — Publisher's Weekly

Author of the popular  New York Times  articles "Is It a Crush or Have You Fallen Into Limerence?" and "Does My Virginity Have a Shelf Life?" Amanda McCracken shares her honest, funny, and at times heartbreaking story of learning how to seek true love and intimacy.

Journalist and late-in-life virgin Amanda McCracken dated over 100 men by the time she was in her late thirties. She was so certain she was doing everything she could to find the loving, lasting relationship she wanted. So why wasn’t it working? After another breakdown in her therapist’s office, she came to a startling she was addicted to longing.

This realization was part of a 10-year journey to understand the cultural, neurological, and psychological factors that shaped her beliefs about love, sex, and commitment. She began to understand that longing for someone feels good. It can even feel better than being in a secure relationship. Longing can provide a sense of control when life is uncertain and offers a safe place to hide from emotional vulnerability, especially in today’s online dating and hookup world. But longing can trigger an addictive neurochemical boost that can derail us from forming healthy, intimate relationships.

In this searingly honest book, Amanda shares the crushes, relationships, situationships, travel, friendships, hookups, bad dates, wins, losses, and brushes with fate that came with her journey.  Starting with her early childhood hero fantasies and how they evolved in her tween and teen years into a commitment to the purity movement espoused at her church, she chronicles her profound longing for love that led her to her lowest point. She provides a deep, exploratory look into the state of mind known as an obsessive rumination on an idealized version of someone. Amanda weaves together her personal journey with research, storytelling, soul-searching questions, and quotes from experts and nonexperts alike to reveal the addictive nature of longing while providing hope through her journey of breaking her patterns and ultimately choosing the path towards healthy, authentic intimacy.

Genres: Memoir, Audiobook, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help

224 pages, Hardcover

Published February 10, 2026

Reviews

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I don't normally read anything close to 'self help' I was intrigued by this book, and did find it more of a memoir about a woman's own journey with sex, love, and limerence. Truly fascinating journey, and I did learn some terms and studies that helped illuminate some of my own experiences (particularly when I was young & single), and while reading there were some people I wanted to recommend this book to as it may be equally helpful to ingest a memoir that makes them feel a little less alone in today's dating world. Or at least help them to understand it more, I certainly gained some perspective.

[Mick B · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 Stars

Raw honesty about longing and love

"I replaced my bra and top and walked out feeling incredibly empowered. And just like that I lived a confident Carrie Bradshaw moment, but I felt only marginally fulfilled. Was he the pawn or was I?"

Thank you to NetGalley, Amanda McCracken, and Hachette Audio | Worthy Books for this advanced audiobook in exchange for an honest review.
CW: Abandonment, ghosting, sexual content, death, grief, religious institutions, anxiety, mental health

Amanda McCracken's When Longing Becomes Your Lover: Breaking from Infatuation, Rejection, and Perfectionism to Find Authentic Love is part memoir and part research. McCracken is a journalist who dated over 100 men by her late thirties. She thought she was doing everything right to find a lasting relationship. It wasn't working. After a breakdown in her therapist's office, she realized she was addicted to longing. The book chronicles her ten year journey to understand the cultural, neurological, and psychological factors that shaped her beliefs about love, sex, and commitment.

Amanda McCracken narrates the audiobook herself. She's great. Her narration comes through with humor, vulnerability, and wisdom. The tone and pace work really well.

This book was a surprise to me. I really liked it. The storytelling is raw, vulnerable, and honest. McCracken doesn't hold back about her experiences. The writing is beautiful. It reminded me of the moving personal stories in I'm Glad My Mom Died in terms of how it handles difficult material with compelling prose.

The book explores limerence, which is obsessive romantic rumination. It's when you fixate on an idealized version of someone. McCracken examines what it means to long for people who are emotionally or physically unavailable. One of the most striking ideas is that anticipation becomes the drug, not the relationship itself. You get addicted to the longing rather than seeking actual fulfillment.

The early chapters look at what causes someone to become addicted to longing in the first place. These sections are thoughtful, grounded, and illuminating. They're not judgmental. McCracken draws connections between anxiety and passionate love. She also explores links between purity culture and hookup culture. Both prioritize objectification over embodiment. Both can make people prone to limerence.

The book is well researched. McCracken weaves in psychology and includes quotes from experts. She explores the cultural, neurological, and psychological factors behind these patterns. It's not just her story. It's backed by research that helps you understand why these patterns develop.

Midway through, the book shifts more into memoir. McCracken shares her own experiences with obsessive longing. Her stories are raw and deeply human. There's something comforting about seeing these thoughts and behaviors laid out honestly. It makes you feel less alone. Less broken. The honesty is intense.

The book is relatable. If you've ever confused intensity with intimacy or chaos with chemistry, you'll see yourself here. McCracken is compassionate without excusing unhealthy patterns. She's empowering without being judgmental. That balance matters.

There's no quick fix offered. The book shows how McCracken slowly escapes the cycle of longing through years of lived experience, therapy, and self discovery. It's a realistic, compassionate path to healing. The ending offers hope. It's a beacon for anyone who fears relationships might never work for them.

I have a BA in Gender Studies and attended seminary at a mainline institution. The examination of purity culture and how it shapes beliefs about love and sex resonated with my background. The way McCracken handles these themes feels informed and careful.

This works for people who have struggled with longing taking over stable relationships, readers interested in psychology and attachment patterns, anyone who has mistaken anxiety for love, those curious about limerence and obsessive relationship patterns, people who appreciate memoir mixed with research, and anyone seeking to understand how culture shapes our approach to intimacy. If you're not interested in personal memoir or prefer purely academic approaches to psychology, this might not work for you.

A vulnerable, well researched look at breaking free from destructive relationship patterns.

[Cameron Charping · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honestly can see a lot of women finding understanding about themselves reading this. The concept of longing being more of the appeal in a relationship was very interesting. Have to admit, I could relate to some of the authors examples. A lot of women think, “I want to fall in love!”. But the longing for love ends up being more enjoyable than finding what doesn’t turn out to be love. Or reality doesn’t live up to the fantasy. The author also talks about purity culture and how many cultures just tell you to be pure. Rather than explaining why it may be the right thing for you. Often, young women are left with a guilt to be pure but don’t fully understand how to handle the emotional load of attraction and even pressure to be a certain way. I appreciated the various stories shared. Even a woman that was pressured to have a sexual relationship whether she wanted one or not just because it was the norm surrounding her.

This does have adult themes discussed and should be, in my opinion, considered with all seriousness for any readers younger than 18. But I can’t help but wonder if this was written several years back, would I have not been caught up in my own longing. Or rather, understood myself more. Let’s just say, I kissed some crappy frogs before finding my husband. Overall, I appreciated the honesty the author and lengths of study the author took for this book. Very glad she narrated for the audiobook. It brings the message across better for me when the author is the one that emotes through the book.

Thank you to @netgalley @hachetteaudio and @amandajmccracken for the gifted audiobook.

[Anna Goldfarb · Rating 5 out of 5]

For anyone who's ever wondered why they keep falling for the wrong people, this book is a mirror, a compass, and a friend.

Part-memoir, part-cultural investigation, When Longing Becomes Your Lover is an astonishing story about breaking free from the self-sabotaging patterns that keep us from the love we claim to want. Amanda holds the subject of longing like a prism, analyzing the emotion from all sides and finding a curious beauty in its multifaceted image.

With humor, raw vulnerability, and older-sister wisdom, Amanda reveals what it takes to stop fantasizing about connection and start building it—one authentic moment at a time.

[Marci Corea · Rating 5 out of 5]

It was healing to see myself in this story. I am grateful for McCracken’s authenticity and vulnerability in sharing her journey.

[Marjan · Rating 4 out of 5]

As someone who has often mistaken anxiety and insecurity for love—and questioned relationships that didn’t come with emotional turbulence—this book felt written for me.

It begins by unpacking what it actually means to long for someone who is emotionally or physically unavailable. Through research and psychology, the book explores the obsessive patterns behind craving a fairytale relationship with someone who can’t fully show up. One of the most striking ideas is that anticipation becomes the drug, not the relationship itself—a cycle that feeds longing rather than fulfillment.

The book draws compelling connections between anxiety and passionate love, as well as between religious purity culture and the idealization of limerence. As someone interested in psychoanalysis, I deeply appreciated the early chapters that examine what causes a person to become addicted to longing in the first place. These sections felt thoughtful, grounded, and illuminating rather than judgmental.

Midway through, the book shifts into memoir, chronicling Amanda’s own life as someone addicted to longing. Her stories of obsessive love are raw, vulnerable, and deeply human. There’s something profoundly comforting about seeing these thoughts and behaviors laid bare—it made me feel less alone, less broken. The honesty is intense, and more than once, it brought me to tears.

The book closes by showing how Amanda slowly escapes the cycle of longing through years of lived experience, therapy, and self-discovery. There’s no quick fix offered—just a realistic, compassionate path toward healing.

This book is for anyone who has confused intensity with intimacy, chaos with chemistry, or longing with love. It’s confronting, validating, and quietly life-altering.

Thank you to NetGalley and Hachette Audio for the advanced audiobook in exchange for my honest review.

[Anna Rollins · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book explores the overlapping Venn diagram of both purity culture and hookup culture. Though seemingly opposites, the two have much in common: both prioritize objectification over embodiment. And both diminish the importance of agency.

And for these reasons, people deeply immersed in these two cultures may be particularly prone to limerence: a form of romantic obsessive compulsive disorder that keeps individuals turning to longing and fantasy rather than purposeful commitment.

These cultures -- and this mental health condition -- is what Amanda McCracken skillfully explores in When Longing Becomes Your Lover: Breaking from Infatuation, Rejection, and Perfectionism to Find Your Authentic Love. Part memoir and part reporting, McCracken traces the ways that limerence appeared in the lives of men and women. But she doesn't simply narrate and define this phenomenon: she provides readers help and hope in overcoming it.

This is a hopeful and helpful book perfect for Valentine's Day. I highly recommend you order a copy today.

[Heidi · Rating 5 out of 5]

"She says the Lord has a plan
But admits it's pretty hard to understand" (Mumford & Sons)

I don't usually write reviews and I don't read self-help books. The title of this one interested me...and then I read the first chapter before it was released.

I've never cried at non-fiction like I did with this one. Why? I'm not sure I've read something so relatable before. I was highlighting every few pages...quotes from others, research, author thoughts. While she is 14 years older than me, it feels like we lived very similar lives. I only heard of limerence a few years ago. I only realized a few months ago that I've spent my life in it, and have developed deeply harmful habits because of it.

While our circumstances around limerance weren't the same (e.g. mine is social-emotional compared to physical), I still deeply related.

I do wish that there was more in the book involving after the colon in the title, but I suppose that's where I have to do the work. (Additionally, the author has a podcast about limerance.) This book was a good starting point for inspiring change for me.

[Brie Doyle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this up not entirely sure what "limerence" was. By the end of the first chapter, I was underlining sentences. McCracken has written something genuinely brave here. Part memoir, part cultural deep-dive, she traces her own decade-long addiction to longing -- the obsessive, fantasy-fueled loop of wanting someone who mostly exists in your own head -- and unpacks the neuroscience, purity culture, and attachment patterns that feed it. It's rigorous without being clinical, and personal without being self-indulgent. What I most love about McCracken is her honesty and vulnerability. She has a way of being real, humble, and honoring all at the same time, a rare combination in a book this personal. If you've ever loved the idea of someone more than the person themselves, this one will find you. Highly recommend.

[Estelle Erasmus · Rating 5 out of 5]

I first discovered Amanda McCracken’s work through her New York Times essay and was intrigued by her exploration of limerence. When Longing Becomes Your Lover expands that idea into a powerful, deeply personal memoir that blends research with raw storytelling. What makes this memoir plus book stand out is how seamlessly she weaves psychology and neuroscience into her own lived experience. The research adds depth, but it’s her vulnerability, honesty, and humor that make the story resonate. You don’t just learn about longing, you recognize yourself in it.

To listen to my interview with the author go to https://estelleserasmus.com/178-from-...

[Joelle Tamraz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Once I started reading the story of Amanda McCracken’s relentless search for Mr Right, I couldn’t put this book down. Although I knew she would eventually marry and have a child, I couldn’t see how she would get there.

At first you think the book will end with her HEA, but it reads more like a personal quest for her lost self. Her unceasing search for the perfect man is a form of self-abandonment. Instead of loving who she is as she is, she seeks an external male ideal to complete her.

The book’s message is at once simple and profound: when we stop searching we are found. Genuine love is not an elusive ideal but a real connection with another human being.

I learned a lot from this book and hope the author will write about the next chapter of her story.

[Tasia Jungbauer · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is like your annoying coworker who constantly has relationship drama despite not actually being in a relationship finally got married and suddenly feels like they can dispense relationship advice to you solely based on the fact they they found their person. Calling obsessive crushing “limerence” is just a way to make it sound more interesting and holds people less accountable. It’s this intellectualized avoidance technique. And the whole “I didn’t get held enough for one single month as a baby, so despite having loving and present parents, I’m crazy now” made me roll my eyes. Idk.

[Melissa Petro · Rating 5 out of 5]

In When Longing Becomes Your Lover, Amanda McCracken writes with fierce vulnerability and luminous insight about the ache between desire and fulfillment, solitude and connection. This book is a meditation on yearning as both wound and wisdom—an invitation to befriend our hunger rather than outrun it. With honesty, humor, and grace, McCracken transforms longing from something to escape into something to embrace, offering a radical reframing of desire as a source of power, not pain.

[Kailee · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a relatable and educational read. It's been a while since I've read a non-fiction with such beautiful writing, it reminds me a bit of I'm Glad My Mother Died from the moving personal stories. Highly recommend for anyone that has struggled with longing taking precedence over stable relationship. Between the advice from the author's therapist, her personal stories, and the happy ending, this felt like a beacon of hope for anyone that fears relationships may never suit them.

[Pam · Rating 5 out of 5]

This vulnerable, well-researched, beautiful book is part memoir, part science, part sociology, and offers an unflinchingly honest account of the author’s long history of limerance.

Whether you identify as someone who suffers from chronic limerance, love someone who does, or are just curious about human nature, love, and longing… and what can happen when a childhood influenced by purity culture bumps up against an adulthood where hookup culture is the norm—this is a must-read.

[Kaitlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a Thoughtful and Well Written Book:
Amanda delivers the lessons she’s learned in a thoughtful and well written manner. She demonstrates the growth and open heartedness (as well as open mindedness) her journey delivered with some funny, some difficult, and many touching stories (coupled with a lot of research statistics/findings) along the way. Her honest and heartfelt advice is inspiring and helpful!

[Nicole · Rating 2 out of 5]

I wanted to like her book because limmerence is somthing I have struggled with for many years. But, her rationalization about meeting her husband is still within limmerence, “soulmates”. It just sells this idea of after overcoming longing, you will find “true love”. Precisely the problem. I understand is her story ans her journey. She found love and now lives a traditional life. No hope for the reader.

[Penny Crook · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent, well-written guide to understanding limerence. Clear expectations, relatable examples, and genuinely helpful insights. It helps to understand attachment, obsession, and emotional dependency. It’s compassionate without excusing unhealthy patterns and empowering without being judgmental. A must-read for anyone stuck in repetitive emotional loops.

[Elizabeth C. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This well-written and thought-provoking book is is both poignant and instructive on a phenonmenon which touches many of us. Kudos to McCracken for tackling such a personal topic with honesty and candor. I would recommend it for anyone experiencing or wishing to learn more about limerance and relationships in general.

[Susan Bronson · Rating 5 out of 5]

A heartfelt, well-researched, and deeply insightful memoir. I devoured this book! I appreciated McCracken's vulnerability and honest reflection on her relationships interwoven with insight from academics and experts in the field. A must-read for anyone seeking to learn more about or break free from limerence.

[Tana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Limerence is a growing field of study. The author makes a complicated topic easy to understand with a mix of personal stories and research. This book is raw, emotional, honest and heartfelt. It will make you laugh, cry, and even feel exasperated at the author when she makes a crazy choice... which really serves to drive home just how complicated and challenging it must be to live with limerence.

[Stephanie Weaver · Rating 5 out of 5]

McCracken is a journalist who interrogated her own experience with wanting the perfect relationship, exploring the concept of limerance and her own years-long hesitancy with intimacy. I related to so much of this book, including the deep fantasy-building about guys I barely knew, holding off on sex until things were perfect, and trying to control everything in a relationship. A powerful read.

[Heather Sweeney · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this smart and insightful book by Amanda McCracken, readers are given an inside look at limerence, from love and longing to connection and patterns. McCracken seamlessly combines vulnerable personal stories with research and interviews in a cultural commentary that’s brutally honest, humorous, and infused with hope. I highly recommend When Longing Becomes Your Lover!

[Stacey G. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Unfortunately, I was disappointed in this book. It didn’t keep me interested-I had to force myself to finish it. It was more of a memoir and not guidance regarding Limerence. I would have liked to have heard about others’ LO experiences rather than the author’s life story. I didn’t come away with any newfound knowledge on limerence or what can help to combat the cycle of limerence.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an insightful, real and moving journey of one persons quest to find self acceptance and love. I laughed out loud at some parts and was moved to tears in other parts. Amanda doesn’t hold back and tells it like it is… truly a great read for our current times.

[Patrice McCracken · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book summary reads like fiction but is written based on facts and science. I think this will enlighten everyone about limerence in general. I am anxious to read this book to determine if I have an addiction to longing and how to break it if I do.

[Martha Freeman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a rare combination of humor, heartbreak and help -with a lot of solid and unexpectedly informative hard science backing up the author's hard-won insights. If you're like me, you'll especially appreciate the author's indomitable spirit not to mention the happy ending!

[zi · Rating 4 out of 5]

read like a fun aunt give you a cautionary tale. i’ll promise myself to not abandon myself like that 🌱

[Ronit Plank · Rating 5 out of 5]

A pleasure to read this memoir and interview Amanda McCracken for my podcast.

[Lils · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars
I listened to this woman on a podcast and was fascinated by her story. Interesting read!