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Cremains #3
Grave Expectations
“I need a coffin,” she said.
Not an unusual request to put to an undertaker and not an unwelcome one either, since Max, Alan and Scratch are once again struggling to keep their funeral business from going under.
The sale of a single coffin wasn’t going to save them, of course, but the woman who wants it happens to be a dominatrix with a supposedly foolproof plan to rob a bank.
Max and his partners don’t exactly jump at the chance as their previous attempts at bank robbery had almost always ended in disaster. But maybe this was an opportunity too good to miss.
What they hadn’t bargained for, though, was that the bank job was just the beginning of a catastrophic series of events including blackmail, betrayal, murder and an unwelcome brush with organised crime.
Grave Expectations is the third book in the Cremains series of comedy capers.
Not an unusual request to put to an undertaker and not an unwelcome one either, since Max, Alan and Scratch are once again struggling to keep their funeral business from going under.
The sale of a single coffin wasn’t going to save them, of course, but the woman who wants it happens to be a dominatrix with a supposedly foolproof plan to rob a bank.
Max and his partners don’t exactly jump at the chance as their previous attempts at bank robbery had almost always ended in disaster. But maybe this was an opportunity too good to miss.
What they hadn’t bargained for, though, was that the bank job was just the beginning of a catastrophic series of events including blackmail, betrayal, murder and an unwelcome brush with organised crime.
Grave Expectations is the third book in the Cremains series of comedy capers.
333 pages, Kindle Edition
Published January 17, 2025
35 people are currently reading
6 people want to read
About the author
Rob Johnson
13 books47 followers‘You’ll have to write an author biography of course.’
‘Oh? Why?’
‘Because people will want to know something about you before they lash out on buying one of your books.’
‘You think so, do you?’
‘Just do it, okay?’
‘So what do I tell them?’
‘For a start, you should mention that you’ve written four plays that were professionally produced and toured throughout the UK.’
‘Should I say anything about all the temp jobs I had, like working in the towels and linens stockroom at a big department store or as a fitter’s mate in a perfume factory?’
‘No, definitely not.’
‘Motorcycle dispatch rider?’
‘You were sacked, weren’t you?’
‘Boss said he could get a truck there quicker.’
‘Leave it out then, but make sure they know that you've published eight books so far. And don’t forget to put in something that shows you’re vaguely human.’
‘You mean this kind of thing: “I’m currently in Greece with my wife, Penny, seven cats and two rescue dogs and working on a new novel and a couple of screenplays”.’
‘It’ll have to do, I suppose, and then finish off with your website and social media stuff.’
‘Oh, okay then.’
* My website
* My Facebook author page
* Twitter @RobJohnson999
‘Oh? Why?’
‘Because people will want to know something about you before they lash out on buying one of your books.’
‘You think so, do you?’
‘Just do it, okay?’
‘So what do I tell them?’
‘For a start, you should mention that you’ve written four plays that were professionally produced and toured throughout the UK.’
‘Should I say anything about all the temp jobs I had, like working in the towels and linens stockroom at a big department store or as a fitter’s mate in a perfume factory?’
‘No, definitely not.’
‘Motorcycle dispatch rider?’
‘You were sacked, weren’t you?’
‘Boss said he could get a truck there quicker.’
‘Leave it out then, but make sure they know that you've published eight books so far. And don’t forget to put in something that shows you’re vaguely human.’
‘You mean this kind of thing: “I’m currently in Greece with my wife, Penny, seven cats and two rescue dogs and working on a new novel and a couple of screenplays”.’
‘It’ll have to do, I suppose, and then finish off with your website and social media stuff.’
‘Oh, okay then.’
* My website
* My Facebook author page
* Twitter @RobJohnson999
Ratings & Reviews
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Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews
April 16, 2025
As with the other books in this series, the main protagonists are Max Dempsey (okay, that’s not really his name, but it is the name he uses now, read the book to understand why) and his two partners. In theory they’re in the undertaking business, selling coffins, preparing people for burial or cremating their bodies … you know, not what most of us would consider fun, but definitely a legitimate business. But when the only other undertaker in the area seems to be getting all the business and the money coming in isn’t coming nearly fast enough to cover the money going out, a guy’s gotta find some way to make a few bucks to get through the dry patch, right? They’ve robbed banks before and when presented with a proposal that appears to be a sure thing, they jump at the chance. Down the rabbit hole they go as complications happen and their reaction to those only causes more complications. Whether or not it all works out for them and how they finally get to whatever the end result turns out to be is an adventure that keeps them and you, the reader, on your toes as the unexpected keeps happening and the whole time you’re going to be laughing (after all, it is a comedic crime story) as well as happy you aren’t one of Max’s partners.
**Originally written for "Books and Pals" book blog. May have received a free review copy. **
**Originally written for "Books and Pals" book blog. May have received a free review copy. **
January 19, 2025
A good giggle.
If you want to exercise your chuckle muscle, Rob Johnson is for you. His Cremains series is a light hearted easy read with characters that are unforgettable. Although Grave Expectations (Cremains Book 3) is a stand alone novel, there are enough references to their previous hilarious escapades to encourage you to read the previous novels; even the book covers will make you smile. Give Rob Johnson a chance, at the price you won't regret it.
If you want to exercise your chuckle muscle, Rob Johnson is for you. His Cremains series is a light hearted easy read with characters that are unforgettable. Although Grave Expectations (Cremains Book 3) is a stand alone novel, there are enough references to their previous hilarious escapades to encourage you to read the previous novels; even the book covers will make you smile. Give Rob Johnson a chance, at the price you won't regret it.
October 14, 2025
This "comedy crime novel" is an easy read and great fun, with a cast of double-crossing criminals and a series of unexpected events. The tone is set when, on the first page, we find that the main character, an undertaker, is using an alias because his real surname, Golightly, is hardly fit for purpose.
Much recommended as a quick, relaxing read.
Much recommended as a quick, relaxing read.
February 16, 2025
Honour Among Thieves
Comedy crime thriller that works on both fronts. Third instalment of would - be - criminal undertakers relying mainly on the funeral business. Stands out due to intriguing plot and characters.
Comedy crime thriller that works on both fronts. Third instalment of would - be - criminal undertakers relying mainly on the funeral business. Stands out due to intriguing plot and characters.
April 2, 2025
Max and the gang are back again and it's as good as ever. Read it.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 2 March 2025
Another great story from Rob Johnson. The undertaking business has never seemed so far from the slow paced and grim sector it surely is.
More twists and turns than the now infamous twisty turny thing. The level of lying and deception amongst the shady and supposedly honest characters keeps you (and the cast) guessing up until the culmination of the various strands.
All of Rob Johnson's books have been enjoyable and this is no different. Start reading his work now.
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 2 March 2025
Another great story from Rob Johnson. The undertaking business has never seemed so far from the slow paced and grim sector it surely is.
More twists and turns than the now infamous twisty turny thing. The level of lying and deception amongst the shady and supposedly honest characters keeps you (and the cast) guessing up until the culmination of the various strands.
All of Rob Johnson's books have been enjoyable and this is no different. Start reading his work now.
Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews