The Art of Disagreeing: How to Keep Calm and Stay Friends in Hard Conversations

by Gavin Ortlund, Nelson Graham (Narrator)

Learn from Jesus how to disagree with courage and kindness, avoiding divisive arguments.

In this positive and practical book, Gavin Ortlund looks to the Scriptures to discover a way in which to disagree with others that leads to greater understanding, peace, and love—and that shows a watching world something of Jesus.

This is a much-needed book in a society that is losing the ability to disagree well. Whether over politics, religion, or culture, or the more everyday issues of normal life, points of view tend to be held with a polarizing intensity. Often we enter disagreements feeling that we have to win or we avoid them altogether.

Looking to Jesus’ example of courage and kindness, readers will be given a framework for engaging in intense disagreements with a love that furthers instead of hinders relationships.

So, whether you tend to fight or flee, learn how to keep calm and stay friends—even when you don't agree.

1 hr. 55 min.

Genres: Christian, Christian Living, Christianity, Nonfiction, Theology, Audiobook, Self Help

2 pages, Audible Audio

First published February 1, 2025

About the author

Gavin Ortlund (PhD, Fuller Theological Seminary) is senior pastor at First Baptist Church of Ojai in Ojai, California. He was previously a research fellow for the Creation Project at the Carl F. H. Henry Center for Theological Understanding at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. He is the author of Finding the Right Hills to Die On, Theological Retrieval for Evangelicals, and Anselm's Pursuit of Joy.

Reviews

[Matt]

Very insightful, especially the chapter on courage. Good stuff on cultivating soft skills, too. Such a helpful little resource.

[Matt Pitts]

I’m consistently helped and encouraged by Gavin Ortlund’s work. This one is short but still nuanced, gracious and challenging, biblical, practical, and timely. This might end up being our church’s summer book discussion book.

[Ivan]

Pointed and practical. Best of all, the author lives this out.

[Anneke Kloosterman]

Iedereen zou dit dunne boekje moeten lezen. Een pleidooi vanuit de christelijke liefde om echt te luisteren en meningsverschillen te verdragen, de mens te zien achter de mening. Ook een pleidooi om niet alle verschillen te negeren of weg te poetsen, maar uit liefde voor elkaar en waarheid het gesprek aan te gaan. Ik zie ernaar uit om dit met mijn eerstejaars studenten te gaan bespreken!

[Natalie Herr]

Let’s have a round of applause for Mr. Ortlund 👏 👏 This book is gold and I should probably read it yearly (monthly? weekly?). I took notes! I took encouragement. I want to be known for my love, kindness, humility and courage in conversation and conflict. I want to be a good listener and the type of trustworthy, gracious conversationalist that Ortlund encourages his readers to be. Short and powerful — if only it was so easy to put it all into practice! May God help me to do just that.

[Kevin Halloran]

A helpful little book. Recommended for all Christians, especially recommended for believers navigating disagreement. I like short, practical, and punchy books like this. (Edit: I'm now seeing the irony of calling this book 'punchy!')

[Brett Wiley]

I’m very thankful for Gavin‘s ministry online and through his books. He consistently displays the virtues and practices he mentions in this book, and that makes what he says even more persuasive and meaningful.

In our age of rage, mob mentality on social media, and with the loss of our ability to disagree and still value and respect one another, books like this are indispensable. May the Lord raise up many Alyosha’s in the church in the days and years ahead.

[Josh G.]

Ortlund does it again. If every Christian (myself included) believed, received, and applied the truths in this book, our lives would be better and our witness would be (so much) stronger.

[John]

So good I read it twice within just a few months. At under 100 pages it's a book that anyone at any age could benefit from. Ortlund's advice is biblical and practical. Here are some of my favorite quotes:
"Kindness is consistent with toughness and shrewdness."
"There is a lot of fake courage in the world."
"Real courage doesn't feel macho. It feels vulnerable."
"We often assume that what we say is how we will move others. We think, in effect, 'If my argument is sound, they will have to agree with it!' Or perhaps we assume that speaking well and with passion is what will win them. But the biggest ingredient in an act of persuasion is simpler: does the listener trust the speaker? And especially: does the listener feel that the speaker cares for their welfare?"


For more reviews see the beehive.live.

[Parker]

Since my ordination, Gavin Ortlund has become a sort of pastoral figure for me. Through his videos, interviews, and writings, I've often found him to be a voice saying what I needed to hear. What I especially admire about him is his irenic spirit; he is a practitioner of the art of disagreeing.

There's nothing groundbreaking in this little book, but his counsel about kindness, courage, listening, persuasion, and love is well-stated and well-illustrated (especially from Scripture). This is an easy recommendation to make, and I will make it enthusiastically to members of my church.

[Austin Gannett]

So good - great, practical content again from Gavin. Between this book, his book on Humility, and Finding the Right Hills to Die On, I think he should write a book on Christian virtues or the Fruit of the Spirit. So pastoral.

Some will think the topic is niche (but, it’s not - it’s actually the water/world we swim in). It’s not niche, but needed and necessary!

Grateful for this little book.

[Marian H]

The chapter on Persuasion was especially good. Some of the other content may be already familiar to some readers (e.g. the rhinos and hedgehogs framework). And I still think the best way to learn is by observing and emulating someone who is calm and tactful and clear, like Pastor Ortlund. Though I like short books, I do wish some parts of the book were longer, this is such an important topic.

[Peyton Gunter]

Profoundly simple. Reminded me of the (not-so) common sense tactics of disagreement, yet convicted me for neglecting to utilize them.

Also, I’m definitely a hedgehog, not a rhino. iykyk

[Camille Roche]

Absolutely devoured this book. Very practical and gained a lot of tools on how to disagree in love. Will look to this book for reference in the future.

[Addison Brown]

The goal is not to do away with disagreements because that it impossible. If you try it will paradoxically make disagreements worse. The goal is to disagree well. If we do, we represent Christ well and have the opportunity to grow and learn new information. Great little book.

[Taliah Kendrick]

The Art of Disagreeing a short book that offers timely, practical wisdom for navigating challenging conversations with grace and conviction—a much needed resource.

[Tryphena]

Super solid and very concise. The importance of kindness, courage, listening, persuasion, and love in discussions & disagreements was clearly emphasized & tied back to the gospel!
I was also very impressed at how many pop culture references were included in such a small and theologically sound book, including (but not limited to): Tom Petty, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, and Lord of the Rings

[Brenden Wentworth]

Great book!

If you’ve followed Gavin Ortlund’s ministry for some time, you know he is a humble and charitable man who is a great model for how to disagree with someone with both conviction yet compassion.
A needed lesson in today’s overly abrasive and fiery social climate, not helped by social media of course

Recommended for everyone, but especially leaders who live in the realm of ideas!

[Morgan]

In the words of Jaden “Classic Ortlund brother W”

[Carrie Brownell]

This was an insightful little read. Good tips and reminders as to how to keep one's cool and have a productive conversation.

This is a book the entire world could use right about now. :)

[Alfred van de Weg]

Een wijs boekje. In kort bestek klassieke en Bijbelse inzichten en concrete handreikingen voor omgaan met polarisatie in kerk en samenleving.

[Barry]

3 stars (= good)

This is a pretty helpful little guide showing how we can have disagreements with others while maintaining our relationships, and get our points across without being jerks. Of course it all comes down to love. It’s important to love those with whom we disagree, and it’s also important that they can actually see it. Ortlund here provides further practical advice.


Here are a few passages I highlighted:

“Essentially, about half of human beings act like rhinoceroses: the other half, like hedgehogs. Rhinos are aggressive, charging when threatened. Hedgehogs are more defensive, using their prickles as a shield…If you are a rhino, healthy disagreement will be difficult because it requires more restraint than you would naturally be inclined to show. You may have moments when you feel like "charging," and it might even feel like the right thing to do—but you actually need to tap the brakes. (Often we realize this only afterwards, once the temperature has cooled!)
“But if you're a hedgehog, healthy disagreement will be difficult because it requires more boldness than you would naturally be inclined to show. You may have moments when you feel like hiding, but you actually need to embrace the vulnerability of leaning forward into the disagreement. Where you would normally pull back, you have to speak up.”


‘Consider questions that begin with phrases such as "Help me understand" or "I'm curious why...” or "What did you mean by...?" Another strategy is to summarize a position and then inquire if your summary is satisfactory: "What I think you are saying is...Have I got that right so far?" Oftentimes questions are far more powerful than statements in advancing the truth in a conversation.’


“Make it your goal to assume the best, within reason. Err on the side of naïveté rather than cynicism. Not only is this much more productive, but it's actually a lot more fun. Your own heart will feel lighter and happier along the way. Wishing others well, and thinking well of them, is a happier way to live.
“Finally, when you are confronted with strong or dogmatic opinions, remember that there may be pain lying underneath these views that you cannot see. A friend recently shared with me that trauma can have a role in producing dogmatism. As I reflected on this, it helped me understand the modern world so much better. The entire world is, in some respects, in trauma.”

[Jared Greer]

As others have noted, this is a very simple book; its content is fairly basic. But I think anyone who has spent more than 30 seconds on X knows that we can afford to go back to the basics. This does what it sets out to do, and its brevity and simplicity make it great for sharing with others. Recommended!

[Ashton]

Disagreements don't need to cause a relationship to crumble. Disagreements should deepen relationships. How is this possible? Through love (and Love). This is what Gavin Ortlund sets out to address in this short, convicting and impactful read.

The truth is, how Christians treat one another matters. For, it is Jesus who says explicitly that we would be known by our love for one another (Jn 13:35). This means that all eyes are on us. The world is watching.

So, how can we disagree well?

The approach might look a little different for rhinos (inclination to charge) versus hedgehogs (inclination to hide), but regardless, we should seek to please Christ, build up our brothers and sisters and wish others well, even in our disagreement.

Ortlund lays this out with five points to aid Christians in developing this understanding (yes, that means that this book only has five chapters): We must engage with kindness; we must listen, even to the degree that we'd be willing to change our stance based on what we hear; we must engage with persuasion; and we must do all of that while honoring the truth in love, for truth without love is insufficient and ugly.

I recommend this short book to Christians everywhere looking to faithfully engage in love with their brothers and sisters during disagreements.

[Samuel Kassing]

A primer on heartfelt civility amid disagreement.

[Ellie (elliehojreads)]

A succinct and powerful little book. Every Christian needs to read this. It was a perfect mix of practical skills in handling disagreements and pointing the reader to Jesus. I loved how the book was structured as Ortlund tackled disagreements in the context of kindness, courage, listening, persuasion and love. I feel empowered and prepared to engage in disagreements with others in order to learn how to do it in a healthy way.

My prayer as I was reading this: Lord, open up opportunities to experience disagreements with other believers and when they do happen, help me to engage in healthy disagreements that ultimately bring us closer together.

[Ethan Clark]

Helpful. Convicting. Encouraging.

This was a nice little book on how ro disagree with.

The book is broken into 5 sections: kindness, courage, listening, persuasion, and love.

It book offers a couple of great insights and quotable lines, plus its length makes it an incredibly easy read which I will recommend to many of my students, friends, and fellow laymen. With my job, this was an incredibly helpful read and I think I really picked up on some great ways to be kind, persuade, and listen well to others that I didnt before.

I wish he touched more on courage and things like what it means to be righteously angry, use sarcasm appropriately, use harsh language biblically, and things of that nature. However, I think this book really helped and hopefully I can start to be less of a hedgehog in the future.

[Nate Jacques]

Definitely worth reading. The honest and unfortunate truth I have noticed over the years is that Christians are often very unpleasant people to disagree with. This is understandable, considering how weighty most Christian’s disagreements may appear. Disagreements among Christians have a unique way of turning tertiary disagreements into matters of “Gospel compromise” and disagreements in political voting behaviors to be cause for separation. Across this backdrop, Gavin excellently contends for pleasant disagreements among brothers and sisters. Learning the art of disagreeing could turn theological watch-dogs into gentle shepherds. I highly recommend to everyone.

[Jonathan Mills]

This phenomenal little book speaks so well into our moment. We often fail in our culture, both in the world and the church, to "achieve disagreement." Something in our individualistic selves also seems anemic to being persuaded at all. Gavin can help us solve these problems if we follow his lead here in "The Art of Disagreeing." I highly recommend this book!

[Eelinh]

Well balanced and practical approach to disagreeing well. Mainly geared towards disagreements among believers but a lot can be practically implemented in disagreements with unbelievers.

"...the ability to engage in healthy disagreement is a good general test of maturity."

"The art of disagreeing rests on the presence of real love."