They're Not Gaslighting You: Ditch the Therapy Speak and Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationship

by Isabelle Morley

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology

280 pages, Paperback

Published May 29, 2025

Reviews

[Royal · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book where the title describes exactly what it’s about. Gaslight, borderline, boundaries, trauma, love bombing, dependent, etc etc - these terms used to be confined to therapeutic spaces but now with social media, many people are using it to self-diagnose, psychoanalyze others, or at worst, weaponized it against others. I completely agree with the author that medical diagnoses should be used carefully and accurately, and therapy speak can actually inhibit resolving conflicts in that when you label people, confirmation bias can happen, especially with uncontrolled social media algorithms that show you what you seek. I was glad to see this book being published because I’ve personally had many concerning conversations with others where I felt that my peers were diagnosing others based on terms they learned in therapy when the diagnoses should really be coming from a credentialed professional. While I’m glad that seeking mental help is mostly de-stigmatized, I can see how this can be super problematic especially when this level of personal psychoanalysis or pathologizing precludes someone from working through their problems with others.

Dr. Isabelle Morley writes with a lot of understanding and empathy and breaks down terms and concepts in an easy-to-understand way through different models and examples. In addition to explaining why common therapy terms, this is actually a wonderful book on relationships too.

Morley points out that it used to be that patients would work collaboratively with therapists to find solutions or identify problems but now people are more inclined to seek out therapy to validate their online self-diagnosis. As a couple’s therapist/psychologist, she also has an intimate view in seeing “both sides of the story” and see how one person’s account may not be correct, but she also points out that therapists can also be part of the problem if they validate their client’s diagnosis of others based on the client’s words alone. This book also breaks down the criteria that psychologists use to evaluate and diagnose patients.

Plus, the way this book is structured is amazing. For example, some of the chapter titles:

* Are they gaslighting you or do they just disagree?
* Is it a red flag or are they just imperfect?
* Are they love bombing you or are they just being nice?
* Are they a sociopath or do they just like you less than you like them?

…And so on.

In 2025, let’s agree to keep therapy speak in therapy.

Thank you to PESI Publishing and NetGalley for providing an eARC in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are independently my own.

[Grey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Firstly, thank you so much to PESI Publishing for the ARC.

I was immediately draw to this book because of its title, along with its focus on the behavior of readers like me who are prone to “looking for red flags” in all kinds of relationships due to past boundary violations, manipulations, and betrayal by friends and family.

This book served as a sort of palate cleanser for all the self-help titles I’ve read in years past which have takeaways with some iteration of: you’re not actually blowing things out of proportion; you definitely have been mistreated by other people and you are right to be upset about it! These kinds of books can feel extremely validating and helpful in the moment, but after consuming dozens of them, I started to wonder whether these kinds of titles can lead to an accumulation of feelings that the reader is forever an innocent victim with no agency who is taken advantage of by everyone in their life and/or that the reader is righteous and correct to think that they should cut ties with anyone they have even the most minimal level of conflict with out of “concern for their mental health” (as learning to deal with conflict is asking for too much energy?).

They’re Not Gaslighting You spends its first few chapters laying important groundwork around therapy speak as an increasingly weaponized tool, the limitations of formal diagnoses, and important distinctions between what would be categorized as bad behavior vs abuse. The next nine chapters each take individual looks at behaviors or diagnoses that are often misused, weaponized, or erroneously projected onto those who hurt us in interpersonal relationships. These also included breakout sections for how to handle conversations either with people who you are questioning if they have a particular diagnosis (or harmful behavioral pattern, such as love bombing or violating your boundaries), or if you yourself might have been told by others that you do such things. I appreciated that each chapter also included a note around discontinuing the relationship with the person as a potential means of addressing ongoing poor treatment. I liked that both potential avenues for resolution – working through the issue or ending the relationship – were given space for contemplation and neither were prioritized over the other. The book then winds down with three final chapters which help put the material in greater perspective by reaffirming the fact that being in relationships with others is hard, and the ways that we describe our relationships impacts how we choose to behave in them as well.

I went into this book with the anticipation that it would give me a much-needed reality check around straying away from wanting a clear-cut diagnosis of people at the center of my past. I looked forward to receiving a firm readjustment in how I conceptualize the poor behavior vs harm duality that many modern discussions of interpersonal conflict are often predicated on. I got just that, but also much more. I am particularly thankful for this book educating me about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and the struggles that people with the diagnosis face as well as the ways that related behaviors impact others. This book made me see several relationships through this lens, which has inspired me to learn more about my own poor pattern of behavior as a self-sacrificing caretaker for multiple people who I believe fit the long diagnostic criteria. I am very thankful for the insight this book has given me in this regard.

In case you’re still not quite sure whether this book could be of interest to you, I’d like to share one of my favorite quotes addressing the threat that weaponization of therapy speak holds:
“Weaponized therapy speak is our attempt to understand people and situations in our lives, yes, but it is also a strategy to avoid responsibility. It puts the blame solely on the other person and allows us to ignore our part. This trend has made normal behavior seem clinically problematic because it doesn’t take into account that humans behave poorly when upset. We’ve always struggled to find the line between “regular bad” behavior and “clinically bad” behavior, particularly in our romantic relationships, and weaponized therapy speak has made it even harder instead of helping.”

[Samantha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you PESI publishing for this ARC.

This is probably one of the best self-help books I have read in a long time. The book provided clear definitions and examples of each behavior. The main chapters do not need to be read sequentially especially if there's an area that resonates more with you. There is a clear call to action for yourself as well as how best to support those around you when certain behaviors are exhibited. I will say that my favorite section was truly the "Are they gaslighting you, or do they just disagree" and "Are they a narcissist, or did they just hurt your feelings."

[Meredith Powell · Rating 5 out of 5]

It took me a bit to finish this book just because it’s been a very busy spring for me, but once I picked up momentum, I flew through it.
I got an ARC of the book from NetGalley— thank you!
“They’re Not Gaslighting You” stood out to me as a title instantly, because as a therapist and being in the mental health world, I have seen the weaponization and/or misuse of therapy speak and therapy terms firsthand, both in my work with clients and in my personal life with friends and family (not to mention social media). I wanted to read this book as one that I might potentially recommend to clients, as I’m always the hunt for book recs for my work. But I won’t just recommend this one to my clients— I think this is a read for any and everyone.
“They’re Not Gaslighting You” covers a variety of diagnoses and therapy terms that are being misused and weaponized in pop-culture, including: gaslighting, love bombing, OCD, bipolar disorder, narcissist, sociopath, borderline, boundaries, red flags, trauma bonding, triggered, and others. Dr. Morley goes into detail about what each of these clinical (or therapy) terms actually means, how people are weaponizing the term, why it’s damaging to misuse or abuse this word, and what the reader can do if they have either weaponized this word themselves or had the word used against them. I appreciate the understanding yet firm approach that Dr. Morley takes in this book. She doesn’t shame or belittle the reader for having weaponized or misused the terms, but she does clearly stress the importance of no longer weaponizing these terms and how to approach relationship struggles and conflicts in a healthy and mature way.
The truth is, it’s easy to fall into the habit of weaponizing therapy speak. We see these terms everywhere on social media, and often times, calling someone these words or accusing someone of having a mental health diagnosis makes it easier for us to either not own our part of the issue or explain away the hurt we’ve experience. However, misusing these terms will not only cause us more distress in our relationships, but also continue to dilute the meaning of these clinical terms which further stigmatizes mental health disorders and takes away from the seriousness of actual abuse when it occurs.
Thank you, Dr. Morley, for an incredible read, and thank you, NetGalley, for a chance to read this book early!

[Robi . · Rating 4 out of 5]

"They’re Not Gaslighting You" is a practical and insightful self-help book that delivers actionable guidance on navigating complex relationships with narcissistic individuals, problem-solving, blame-shifting, recognizing red flags, mental conditions, establishing boundaries, and toxic relationships. It enables readers to identify and address unhealthy relationship dynamics and behaviors, and provides expert advice on personal growth and self-improvement. Recommend this book although I’ve only read a few self-help books, I enjoyed this one because it identifies so much in a relationship.

Thank you NetGalley for the ARC.
#NetGalley #TheyreNotGaslightingYou

[Francis Tapon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve never highlighted a book as much as They’re Not Gaslighting You: Ditch the Therapy Speak and Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationship. 

Author Dr. Isabelle Morley gives us a timely book that rejects the reckless proliferation of the following terms: 

Sociopath
Psychopath
Love bomb
Narcissist
Boundaries
Borderline
Toxic
Gaslighting

I dated a woman for two years. Let’s call her Fatima.

In the second half of our relationship, Fatima bombarded me with many of the highly charged and often misused words listed above.

After she dumped me the fifth and final time, I finally pushed back on her barrage of accusations. I said to her, “So, you truly believe I’m a narcissist? Let’s look up the clinical definition of a narcissist and see how I stack up.”

She agreed. Perplexity wrote:

To be clinically considered as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) according to the DSM-5, an individual must exhibit at least five out of nine specific characteristics. These characteristics, as summarized by the acronym “SPECIAL ME,” include:

Sense of self-importance Exaggerating achievements and expecting to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements.
Preoccupation Being preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
Entitled Having unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with their expectations.
Can only be around people who are important or special Believing that they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
Interpersonally exploitative Taking advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
Arrogant Showing arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
Lack empathy Being unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Must be admired Requiring excessive admiration.
Envious Often being envious of others or believing that others are envious of them.

These symptoms must be pervasive, apparent in various social situations, and consistently rigid over time. A qualified healthcare professional typically diagnoses NPD through a clinical interview. The traits should also substantially differ from social norms.

I asked her how many of these nine characteristics I exhibited consistently, pervasively, and in many social situations. She agreed that I was nowhere near five of the nine.

Admittedly, I sometimes exhibited some of these nine characteristics in my intimate relationship with Fatima. I’m certainly guilty of that.

However, to qualify as a true narcissist, you must display at least five of these nine characteristics often and with most people, not just your partner.

To her credit, my ex-girlfriend sheepishly backed down from that accusation, saying, “You’re right, Francis, you’re not a narcissist.”

Later, I would educate her (or, as she would say, “mansplain”) about another of her favorite words: gaslighting. I mansplained by sending her a video clip of renowned couples therapist Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, who explained why standard disagreements and having different perspectives aren’t gaslighting. Soon after explaining that, Mrs. Gottman explains why, in some ways, “everybody is narcissistic.” Watch 6 minutes from 1:35:30 to 1:41:30:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9kPm...

After listening to an expert define gaslighting, Fatima apologized for incorrectly using the term. This is what I loved about Fatima: she wouldn’t stubbornly cling to her position when presented with compelling evidence to the contrary. This is a rare trait I cherish.

Narcissists and sociopaths are about 1% of the population, so it’s highly unlikely that all your exes are narcissists and sociopaths.

Still, Fatima flung other popular, misused terms at me. She loved talking about “boundaries” and “red flags.” According to Dr. Morley, my ex “weaponized therapy speak.”  

Dr. Morley writes, “It’s not a new phenomenon for people to use therapy terms casually, even flippantly, to describe themselves or other people. How long have we referred to someone as a ‘psycho’ when they’re acting irrationally or being mean?”

Although weaponized therapy speak isn’t new, it’s ubiquitous nowadays. Dr. Morley’s book sounds the alarm that it’s out of control and dangerous.

Three types of people would benefit from Dr. Morley’s book:

1. People like Fatima: Does someone you know tend to denigrate people using therapy speak? Are they intelligent, rational, and open-minded like Fatima? If so, they must read this book to recalibrate how they use these powerful words.

2. People like me: Are you (or someone you know) accused of being a psychopath, a gaslighter, or a person with OCD?

3. Actual victims: The explosion of use of these powerful words has diluted their meaning. As a result, the real victims of narcissists and sociopaths are now belittled. Their true suffering is minimized when every other person has a sociopath in their life. Their grievances are severe. Let’s not equate our relationship problems with their terror.


I’ll list some of my favorite chapter titles, which will give you a flavor of the book’s message:

Chapter 4: Are They Gaslighting You, or Do They Just Disagree?
Chapter 5: Do They Have OCD, or Are They Just Particular?
Chapter 6: Is It a Red Flag, or Are They Just Imperfect?
Chapter 7: Are They a Narcissist, or Did They Just Hurt Your Feelings?
Chapter 9: Are They a Sociopath, or Do They Just Like You Less Than you Like Them?
Chapter 11: Did They Violate Your Boundaries, or Did They Just Not Know How You Felt?

I will quote extensively to encourage everyone to buy Dr. Mosley’s book. Most quotations are self-explanatory, but sometimes I will offer personal commentary.

Excerpts

The trend of weaponized therapy speak marks something very different. These days, clinical words are wielded, sincerely and self-righteously, to lay unilateral blame on one person in a relationship while excusing the other from any wrongdoing.
==========
Many times, we use these words as protective measures to help us avoid abusive partners and reduce our risk of “wasting” time or emotional energy on family or friends who don’t deserve it. But using these terms can also absolve people from taking responsibility for their actions in their relationships. They can say, “I had to do that because of my obsessive-compulsive disorder” or “We didn’t work out because she’s a narcissist,” instead of doing the hard work of seeing their part in the problem and addressing the issues behind it. As a couples therapist, I’m particularly concerned with how the enthusiastic but inaccurate embrace of clinical terminology has made it harder to sustain healthy romantic attachments.

With Fatima, our relationship woes were always my fault because I crossed her “boundaries” and I was a “narcissist.” If I disagreed, I was “gaslighting” her. Or I was being “defensive” instead of apologizing. And when I apologized, I did so incorrectly because I offered excuses after saying I’m sorry (she was right about that). The point is that she used weaponized therapy speak to demonize me, alleviating herself from the burden of considering that perhaps she shared some of the responsibility for our woes.
==========
Their friend doesn’t agree with their warped view of an event or their disproportionate reaction? The friend is an empathy-lacking narcissist who is actively gaslighting them.
==========
In one memorable session of mine, a client managed to accuse their partner of narcissism, gaslighting, love bombing, blaming the victim, lacking accountability, having no empathy, and being generally abusive, manipulative, and toxic . . . all within twenty minutes.

Although Fatima and I went to couples therapy, I don’t remember Dr. Mosley being our facilitator, but that sure sounds like Fatima! LOL!
==========
I’m certified in emotionally focused couples therapy (EFCT), which is a type of couples therapy based on attachment theory.
==========
For example, if you feel like a failure for letting your partner down, you might immediately minimize your partner’s feelings and tell them they shouldn’t react so strongly to such a small issue. (For anyone wondering, this isn’t gaslighting.) That makes them feel unheard and unimportant, so they get even more upset, which makes you dismiss their reaction as dramatic, and round and round it goes.

Welcome to my world with Fatima!
==========
You could claim your partner is toxic and borderline because they’re emotionally volatile and unforgiving. You could say their feelings are disproportionate to the problem, and their verbal assault is bordering on abusive. But your partner could say that you are a narcissist who is gaslighting them by refusing to acknowledge their feelings, showing no empathy for the distress your tardiness caused, and shifting the blame to them (just like a narcissist would!). You’d both be wrong, of course, but you can see how these conclusions could happen.
==========
Weaponized therapy speak is our attempt to understand people and situations in our lives, yes, but it is also a strategy to avoid responsibility. It puts the blame solely on the other person and allows us to ignore our part.
==========
However, the vast majority of partners and friends are not sociopaths, narcissists, or abusers. They’re just flawed. They’re insecure, demanding, controlling, emotional, or any number of adjectives, but these traits alone aren’t pathological.
==========
But doing such things now and then in our relational histories, or doing them often in just one relationship, doesn’t mean we have a personality disorder. These diagnoses are reserved for people who exhibit a persistent pattern of maladaptive behaviors in most or all of their close relationships.
==========
I wasn’t an abusive partner. I was a messy newcomer to relationships, as we usually are in our teens and twenties, trying my best to navigate my feelings while following bad examples from television and making plenty of other blunders along the way. Stonewalling was immature and an unhelpful way of coping, but it wasn’t abuse.
==========
If we’re looking for a partner who will always do the right thing, even in the hardest moments, we’re only setting ourselves up for disappointment. As I mentioned before, really good people can behave really badly.
==========

If we don’t know the difference between abusive behavior and normal problematic behavior, we’re at risk for either accepting abuse (thinking that it’s just a hard time) or, alternatively, throwing away a perfectly good relationship because we can’t accept any flaws or mistakes.

Alas, Fatima threw away a perfectly good relationship. I was her second boyfriend. Her lack of experience made her underappreciate what we had. She’ll figure it out with the next guy.
==========
Disagreeing with someone, thinking your loved one is objectively wrong, arguing about what really happened and what was actually said, trying to find your way to the one and only “truth”—these are things that most people do. They are not helpful or effective, but they also are not gaslighting.
==========
“What? I didn’t say yes to seeing it, Cece. I said yes to finding houses we both liked and visiting them. Sometimes you just hear what you want to and then get mad at me when you realize it’s not what I actually said,” Meg answers.
“Stop gaslighting me! Don’t tell me what happened. I remember exactly what you said! You told me yes to this open house and then changed your mind, and I’m upset about it. I’m allowed to be upset about it; don’t invalidate my feelings!” Cece says, her frustration growing.
Meg feels surprised and nervous. She didn’t think she was gaslighting Cece, which is exactly what she says. “I didn’t mean to gaslight you. I just remember this differently. I don’t remember saying I would go to this open house, so that’s why I don’t understand why you’re this upset.”
“Yes, you are gaslighting me because you’re trying to convince me that what I clearly remember happening didn’t happen. But you can’t gaslight me because I’m positive I’m right.”
==========
Cece’s accusation of gaslighting quickly shut down the conversation, labeling Meg as a terrible partner and allowing Cece to exit the conversation as the victor.
==========
I find gaslighting to be one of the harder labels to deal with in my clinical work for three reasons: 1. Accusations of gaslighting are incredibly common. I hear accusations of gaslighting at least once a week, and yet it’s only been accurate about five times in my entire clinical career. Boyfriend didn’t agree with what time you were meeting for dinner? Gaslighting. Spouse said you didn’t tell them to pick up milk on the way home, but you swear you did? Gaslighting.
==========
You could say, “I want you to know that I really understand your perspective on this. I see things differently, but your experience is valid, and it makes sense. I’m not trying to convince you that you’re wrong and I’m right, and I’m sorry if I came across that way.” WHAT IS VALIDATION? Validation is another word that suffers from frequent misuse. People demand validation, but what they’re really asking for is agreement. And if someone doesn’t agree, they call it toxic. Here’s the thing, though: Validation is not the same as agreement.
==========
You can disagree in your head but still validate how they feel: “Hey, you’re not crazy. I see why you’d feel that way. It makes sense to me. I’d probably feel that way too if I were in your shoes, experiencing our interaction the way you did. I care about your feelings.”

==========
“I bet it felt really awful to have me challenge your experience and make you feel like it wasn’t right or valid.”

I regret I learned this lesson too late with Fatima. I was too slow to validate her feelings. We learn something in every relationship. Ideally, our partner is patient with us as we stumble through the learning process, often repeating the same error until we form a new habit. However, Fatima ran out of patience with me. I couldn’t change fast enough for her, even though I was eager to learn and dying to please her. By the time I began to learn about proper validation and apologies, she had given up on me.

==========
My husband, Lucas, hates it when lids aren’t properly put on jars. You know, when a lid is half on and still loose or haphazardly tightened and askew? I, on the other hand, could not care less. I am the only perpetrator of putting lids on wrong in our house. I barely screw on the top to the pickles, peanut butter, medications, water bottles, or food storage containers. I don’t even realize that I do it because I care so little about it. This drives Lucas absolutely crazy.

I love this example because it’s what I would repeatedly tell Fatima: some habits are hard to break. Dr. Mosley knows her husband hates half-closed jars, but she struggles to comply with his wishes. We’re imperfect creatures.
==========
Is your partner always leaving a wet towel on the floor after showering? Red flag—they’re irresponsible and will expect you to clean up after them. Is your friend bad at texting to let you know when they’re behind schedule? Red flag—they’re selfish, inconsiderate, and don’t value your time. It’s all too easy to weaponize this term in a relationship, in hopes that it will shame the other person into changing.
==========
People aren’t perfect. Individually, we’re messy, and in relationships, we’re much messier. We all make mistakes, sometimes repeatedly for our entire lives. Instead of labeling all unwanted behaviors as red flags and expecting change or running away altogether, try a new approach: Identify why those behaviors hurt you and share that with your loved one instead.
==========
When confronted with the knowledge that we’ve hurt someone, many of us become defensive. We hate the idea of hurting the person we love and since we usually didn’t intend to hurt them, we start explaining why our actions weren’t that bad and why they shouldn’t feel upset. It comes from a place of inadequacy, self-criticism, and remorse. If the other person responds like this but you can tell they care about your pain, this may be a good time to give them some grace in the form of empathy and time. Wait a few hours or even a few days, then try the conversation again.

For every criticism I had about Fatima’s behavior, she had 20 criticisms about my behavior. As a result, I had many more opportunities to fall into the trap of becoming defensive. It’s so hard to resist. I’m still working on that front.
==========
We all have a touch of narcissism, which can get bigger at certain points in life,
==========
Conflicts are upsetting, and we’ve all developed ways of protecting ourselves, whether it’s getting loud to be heard or emotionally withdrawing to prevent a panic attack. Underneath these less-than-ideal responses, though, we feel awful. We feel scared, insecure, inadequate, unimportant, and alone. We hate fighting with our loved ones, and we really hate that we’ve hurt them, especially unknowingly. We’re not being defensive because we have a narcissistic belief in our own superiority; we’re doing it because we’re terrified that the person won’t understand us and will see us negatively, so we need to show them our side and explain to them why we aren’t to blame.
==========
But whether it’s an inflated ego, vanity, self-absorption, or just unusually healthy confidence, these traits do not make a narcissist. To have NPD, the person must also require external validation and admiration, and to be seen as superior to others. This is the difference between a big ego and grandiosity. Grandiosity goes several steps beyond confidence—it’s a near-delusional sense of importance, where someone exaggerates their achievements and expects others to see them as superior.
==========
Some people suck. They’re immature, mean, selfish, and unremorseful. Some people don’t respect other people in their lives. They lie and they cheat, and they don’t care that it hurts others. But they can be all these things and still not be a narcissist. There’s a lot of room for people to be awful without meeting the criteria for a personality disorder, and that’s because (you guessed it!) people are flawed. Some people feel justified in behaving badly, while others just don’t know any better yet. Our growth is messy and not linear.
==========

[Lisa Konet · Rating 1 out of 5]

I skipped around reading this and didn’t read it at all the same time. Many assumptions, and didn’t like the writing.

Just no.

Thanks to NetGalley, publisher and author for an ar for this book in exchange for an honest review.

[Sarah Jensen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Review: They’re Not Gaslighting You: Ditch the Therapy Speak and Stop Hunting for Red Flags in Every Relationship by Isabelle Morley, PsyD

Overview
Dr. Isabelle Morley’s They’re Not Gaslighting You is a refreshing antidote to modern relationship anxieties, challenging readers to step back from overanalyzing every interaction for hidden red flags. With a blend of clinical expertise and relatable wit, Morley dismantles the culture of armchair psychology that leaves many relationships strained under the weight of unnecessary suspicion. While the book’s sharp critique of “therapy speak” may polarize some readers, its core message—to approach love with more trust and less diagnosis—resonates deeply.

Key Strengths
-Balanced Perspective: Morley strikes a rare balance between validating modern relationship concerns and calling out excessive hypervigilance, urging readers to distinguish real issues from imagined ones.
-Engaging Writing: The tone is conversational yet authoritative, peppered with humor and real-life examples that make complex psychological concepts accessible.
-Practical Guidance: Beyond critique, the book offers actionable advice for rebuilding trust and communication without pathologizing normal disagreements.

Critical Considerations
-Potential Controversy: Those deeply invested in therapy culture might bristle at Morley’s pushback against popular concepts like “gaslighting” or “red flags.”
-Narrow Audience: Focused primarily on romantic relationships, the book may feel less relevant to readers seeking broader interpersonal advice.
-Repetitive Themes: Some points about overdiagnosis are reiterated heavily, which could dilute their impact for attentive readers.

Score Breakdown (0–5 Stars)
-Originality: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ (5/5) – A bold, much-needed counterpoint to modern relationship discourse.
-Practicality: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (4/5) – More conceptual than step-by-step, but insights linger long after reading.
-Empathy: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ (5/5) – Morley’s warmth shines through, even when challenging readers’ assumptions.
-Depth: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (4/5) – Covers substantial ground but leaves room for deeper dives into specific scenarios.
Overall: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ (4.5/5) – A relationship compass for the overanalyzed age—pointing you back to common sense and connection.

Who Should Read This?
-Couples exhausted by constant “red flag” paranoia.
-Skeptics of pop psychology trends seeking a nuanced alternative.
-Anyone craving a more trusting, less diagnostic approach to love.

Final Thoughts
Morley’s book is a provocative, compassionate call to reclaim healthier relationship dynamics. While not every argument will land equally, its core wisdom is undeniable.

Gratitude
Thank you to NetGalley and Dr. Isabelle Morley for the advance review copy. This review reflects an honest engagement with the book’s mission to restore simplicity and sincerity to modern relationships.

[Em · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thanks to NetGalley, the publisher and the author for providing me with a digital ARC so that I could provide an honest review.

I requested this book on NetGalley because I was eager for a resource that could cut through the overwhelming wave of pop-psychology terms being misused in everyday conversations, especially at work. Dr. Isabelle Morley, a licensed clinical psychologist, does exactly that in "They’re Not Gaslighting You." With clarity, nuance, and genuine authority, she dissects the ways therapy language has been weaponized in our social media-saturated world.

This book is for anyone who is trying to deal with people who spout therapy language even though they have zero credentials in that field. It's also for those who have been unfairly labeled “toxic” or “narcissistic” for simply disagreeing, or told they’re “gaslighting” someone when they were just expressing a different memory or opinion. Morley walks readers through a series of scenarios in each chapter: "gaslighting or just disagreeing,” “OCD or just particular,” “love bombing or just being nice," and more, to help readers reestablish what’s real, what’s clinical, and what’s just life being complicated. Every chapter had me nodding along. I’ve seen firsthand how people—often in their 20s to early 40s—get just enough mental health lingo from Instagram and TikTok to label, diagnose, and avoid genuine connection and accountability.

Morley’s voice is grounded and empathetic, but firm. She acknowledges the importance of mental health awareness while pushing back hard against its misuse. She also offers practical advice on how to respond when someone uses therapy-speak to manipulate or shame you.

This book is well-organized, easy to follow, and refreshingly sensible. It should be required reading for anyone who throws around terms like “trauma bond,” “empath,” or “narcissist” in casual conversation without fully understanding them. I'm especially looking forward to reading Morley’s blog post analyzing Shiv and Tom from "Succession." If her take in the book is any indication, it will be smart and sharp.

This is a much-needed book in an era where too many people mistake therapy language for actual knowledge and wisdom.

[Hypsypops]

I have really mixed feelings about this book.

I went into it and loved it. The first 25% was an easy five stars for me. I was ripping through it, and really enjoying my time.

The concept is great. People love to diagnose others when they have no business doing so, and they love to really weaponize these terms they don’t understand. This is a great book for anyone who feels the need to dig into their partner’s (or friend’s, or family member’s) problems. It gives a solid background for psychological terms that people love to throw around, and to some extent I would recommend this book to friends and family.

For me, the tipping point was when the author began to talk about red flags. IMO, the author overstepped her authority, because a red flag is not a diagnosis, it’s a colloquial term. It is completely valid for me to find not liking pets a red flag. It doesn’t mean they are a bad person, but it does mean we will never work out.

The examples used by the author were very strong, and imo, moved far past the red flag territory. A red flag is something you are aware of, and could potentially develop into worse behavior, but isn’t a problem yet. The red flags in the book were unacceptable actions. Things I hope I would not tolerate in any relationship. Again (the whole point of the book) none of them were necessary things that were deal breakers, and they could be worked through.

After that, the examples just seemed a little too extreme, and I found myself skimming. I am very familiar with a lot of the terms in this book, so it wasn’t super ground-breaking knowledge for me (even though the intro was super great about reframing), and I didn’t feel the need to finish the book.

In all, the intro is a great reminder about why we don’t need to give others a diagnosis, and the meat of the book is good for people who are unfamiliar with the terms listed, but for people who have done their own reading elsewhere, I’d pass on the bulk of this book.

Thank you NetGalley for this eARC. All thoughts are my own.

[Samuel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Between TikTok and Instagram, and any number of social media platforms, we are all inundated with pop psychology pages. These accounts tell us about real psychological diagnoses but go on to faux-diagnose the people around us.

These very real pathologies carry very real implications. More often than not, such pop psychology diagnoses implicitly invalidate the experiences of those suffering from psychiatric illness. Rather than counteract mental health stigma, pop psychology digs deeper roots for those cultural stigmas.

Many of those social media posts carry positive intentions. In fact, they often aim to de-stigmatize these pathologies.
Instead, they cause new problems:

They suggest we can safely eliminate any need for us to be held accountable for our behavior. Rather than accept both the positive and negative contributions we make in our relationships, we diagnose our ex-boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses - and blame them for the negativity within those relationships.

We fail to de-stigmatize these disorders and in fact worsen that stigma.

We give a false impression of the severity and the suffering of mental illness causes, as well as the negative impact on their loved ones.

In They're Not Gaslighting You, Isabelle Morley does a fantastic job walking the reader through these challenges. She shares the actual symptoms of these disorders. She writes a one to two page fictionalized example of someone with a given disorder. These examples give us a better sense of how a narcissist, or abuser, gaslighter might sound in conversation.

In each chapter, she goes on to give similar styles of examples. In these latter examples, she writes dialogues that amount to people being people. She breaks down these narratives, and we see the distinctions between a pathological abuser and a person in less-than-ideal circumstances.

I highly recommend this book for anyone feeling inundated with faux pop psychology.

Thank you to PESI Publishing and NEtgalley for the advance copy. All opinions are my own.

[Crimson Books · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you, Netgalley, for the advanced copy of this book

I read this book because recently I came out of a relationship that was toxic & unhealthy. during my healing journey, I realised I said some pretty bad things when I was triggered, so I was interested in knowing what this book had to say since I have fallen into saying things not knowing if my ex was or was not a narcissist etc.

when I first went into this book, I was afraid of seeing myself in the pages, but I also wanted to read more on the topic of so many doing the same through the eyes of a therapist eyes giving more context.

As I read one chapter at a time not to overload myself, I resonated on what each chapter talked about & as I slowly got through the chapters, I got more knowledge not only on how therapy speech can distort & rip a relationship but also how not understanding personality disorders & other conditions that are thrown about can effect a person badly.

while reading this book and learning more about all this, it helped me gain prospective as well as learn more about some mental illnesses & personality disorders, what the diagnose needs to be what ever one it is & so much more... this book is not going to be to everyone else's taste, and it's not to be read by the light-hearted who get easily offended or feel called out.

I have done research into certain personality disorders over the last few years as well as into some other stuff. This book helped to tie that information up for me (also, I was not wrong with the signs I saw in my past relationship), but this book has make me more aware & reserved on how I speak when I see things & come at it from a different angle.

[Bahaa Hassan · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a psychiatrist, I’ve been worried for a while about how therapy language has taken over everyday conversations. Words like narcissist, gaslighting, and trauma are being thrown around so casually that they’ve started to lose their real meaning. They’re Not Gaslighting You is the kind of book I didn’t know I needed — a smart, honest, and very readable reminder that not every disagreement is abuse and not every flawed person is toxic.

Dr. Isabelle Morley doesn’t dismiss mental health or diagnosis — she just asks us to be more thoughtful with how we use those words. What I really appreciated is how she talks about the damage this kind of language can do to real relationships. When we slap labels on each other, we stop listening. This book encourages the opposite — real conversations, empathy, and the ability to see things in more than black and white.

As someone who works in psychiatry and cares about how language shapes the way we treat each other, this book hit home. I also liked how straightforward and relatable the writing is — even the chapter titles are clever and make you think. I’d definitely recommend it to anyone who’s feeling overwhelmed by all the therapy speak online and just wants to understand their relationships better.

Thanks to NetGalley for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review

[Ellen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thanks to NetGalley for an advance digital copy of this book.

I really like how the information in this book is presented. The author has an easy-to-read writing style that makes it easy for the reader to understand. Terms such as gaslighting, narcissist, OCD, bipolar, and more have come to be used to describe a broad range of behaviors that are not actually classifiable into these categories in the professional mental health world. This text shows how one can determine if someone indeed has Narcissistic Personality Disorder or not, is really a sociopath (person with Antisocial Personality Disorder) or not. It is a call to stop the weaponization of mental health diagnoses. Yes, people really may have OCD but not just because they like something a certain way or are fastidious. Sure, people can gaslight others, but it might actually be a difference of perspective. After you’ve read this book, you’ll be able to discern if someone in your life, or you, actually needs to be concerned about a mental illness or not.

I find it coincidental that I read this the same month I’m going through domestic violence training for some volunteer work I’ll be doing. The topic of what is emotional abuse and what is not was explored in this book as well.

[Kelley K · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am not sure how I feel about this book. It is outside my usual area of reading and maybe that is why I struggled to even get past Chapter 3. I made myself sit down to finish the last 200 pages in my one night just so I could be done with the book. Overall, I would give it 3.5 stars rounded up to 4, because even though it is not my taste, it was still a well done book.
Although this book wasn’t for me, I do have to say that the material talked about is important and I think many people need to hear about it. The information presented was done in a concise manor with the writing style being easy to understand and definitions provided for all the terms. I believe with social media being as large as it is, many people are seeing possibly the wrong use of therapy speaking words, which I believe is why this book is so important. My favorite chapters were “Are they Gaslighting you, or do they just disagree?” and “Did they violate tour boundaries, or did they just not know how you felt?” I think these titles are great!
Overall, I think this self-help book is important, even though self-help books are just not for me!
Thank you NetGalley and the publisher for an e-arc in exchange for an honest review!

[Ariel Vaughn · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a therapist, I can't count how many times I’ve had to gently correct or reflect back to a patient that what they’re describing isn’t actually gaslighting. I understand that therapeutic language is bound to spill into pop culture, but it can be frustrating, especially when misused terms end up dulling our awareness of real harm. When everything gets labeled as gaslighting, it’s almost as if nothing is, which diminishes the seriousness of the actual behavior.

This book was excellent. It explained complex concepts like gaslighting, trauma bonding, and boundaries in layman's terms, using clear models and relatable examples. It also addressed how misusing these terms can cause just as much damage to relationships as the behaviors themselves.

I found myself agreeing with the author’s point that many people today come to therapy looking for validation of their beliefs, rather than engaging in the collaborative, reflective work therapy is meant to be. Reading this may have been a bit of confirmation bias on my part, but even so, I think it’s a valuable and much-needed read.

*Special thanks to NetGalley and PESI Publishing for graciously providing me with an eARC. All opinions are my own.

[Haley Turner · Rating 5 out of 5]

First of all, thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for this arc in exchange for an honest review.

This book is such a timely and necessary read. With therapy language everywhere—online and in real life—it’s easy to forget that terms like “gaslighting,” “narcissist,” “trauma,” and “red flag” have clinical meaning. Dr. Isabelle Morley unpacks how social media has distorted these words and how using them too casually can harm our relationships.

She doesn’t shame anyone, but she gently reminds us that labeling people can stop us from actually solving problems. The book is smart, empathetic, and full of helpful examples, including from Dr. Morley's own life. Plus, the chapter titles are perfection: Are they gaslighting you or do they just disagree? Are they a sociopath or do they just like you less than you like them?

In a world of over-diagnosis and algorithm-driven self-diagnosis, this is a call for more clarity, more nuance, and more real connection. Let’s leave therapy speak to the professionals and talk to each other like humans again.

Highly recommend.

[Alyssa Davila (Traveling with Words) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this is a book everyone needs to read. We are becoming more and more open talking about therapy, self help books, and how to be better overall, but we also use terms like red flags, OCD, and narcissist way too casually. I personally have done it on more than I’d like to admit, and I’ll now be more cautious of using certain words moving forward. I think the two most important takes from this book are: that we’re all humans that succumb to bad behavior at some points in our lives (and that doesn’t make us sociopaths) and that we need to be more aware with how often and in what context we are using some of these therapy terms. These terms do effect real people and by casually saying someone is gaslighting us or that we’re trauma bonded, then we are taking the true meaning of those terms away from people who have lived or do currently live with these realities.

Thank you NetGalley for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

[Ell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such an interesting and, in my opinion, much needed book! It seems everywhere I turn over the past few years I encounter armchair therapist without degrees diagnosing everyone from coworkers to family members to Hollywood celebrities - very often incorrectly and in a way that borders on character assassination. People who have a large ego are branded harmful narcissists, conscientious workers are branded with OCD, introverts are branded as having avoidant personality disorder, and people who disagree with someone may be branded as a gaslighter. Books like this are so helpful because it's important to be able to make thoughtful distinctions about character, intentions, and actions because it's the respectful thing to do and also because it helpful for relationships, whereas the former is harmful. This is an excellent book and I highly recommend it.

[Seth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve had this book marked to read since before it was published. After I first (fortunately) stumbled upon Dr. Morley online discussing “therapy speak” as a then Counseling student I was captivated. I feel like Dr. Morley more eloquently (and expertly) describes my own personal and professional viewpoints. This publication is a well written, easy to read book, and borderline (pun intended) guide for both counselors/therapist and every day people. Anyone who spends a lot of time on social media and uses clinical terms in their everyday language should read this book! Some of the more guideline aspects can be skimmed over for those clinically trained, but I especially enjoyed the “has” and “doesn’t have” examples for each term.
Best advice from the book I hope everyone out there will take away…”Follow experts (not influencers) on social media”

[Michael Doane · Rating 5 out of 5]

They're Not Gaslighting You is a refreshing, practical guide for anyone navigating the often-confusing dynamics of modern relationships. Isabelle Morley cuts through the jargon of therapy speak and the anxiety of overanalyzing interactions, offering clear, actionable guidance on recognizing healthy boundaries, understanding interpersonal behavior, and trusting your instincts.

What sets this book apart is Morley’s approachable tone combined with psychological insight. She empowers readers to distinguish between genuinely manipulative behavior and everyday relational friction without fostering paranoia or self doubt. For anyone who’s ever questioned themselves in a relationship, this book provides clarity, validation, and tools to foster healthier, more balanced connections.

Michael

[Síle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to Isabelle Morley and PESI for granting me access to this book for an honest review.

They’re Not Gaslighting You is an insightful and practical deep dive into psychological manipulation and personal boundaries. What I really appreciated about this book is its flexible structure—you don’t have to read it front to back; you can jump to the sections that speak to you the most. The real-world examples help break down complex topics in a way that feels accessible and relevant. If you’re interested in psychology or just want to better understand the subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways people can manipulate others, this is definitely worth the read!

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book to be very insightful. People definitely overuse therapy terms and reduce them to their most simple meaning. Especially given all of the new TikTok therapists that are out and about. This book is good at telling how these terms are correctly used. I liked the examples that were used to show how a term is correctly used paired with an example of how it’s incorrectly used. Putting the term in its correct context was helpful in understanding how it’s been overused and over simplified. Overall, I would highly recommend this book.

[Julia Dietz · Rating 5 out of 5]

THEY’RE NOT GASLIGHTING YOU by @drisabellemorley

READ IT AND WEEP. or, read it and pass it to a friend/partner/family member who’s a little *intense* like giving a dog a pill wrapped in ham. a super super informative and important book about the very real harm in taking clinical terms and throwing them around. the person you’re thinking of is probably not ACTUALLY toxic, maybe they’re just kind of suck to be around. come come, step inside and uncover your own defense mechanisms! seriously, someone needed to say what she’s saying and she did it SO WELL. I have three copies now.

[Amber Awalt · Rating 5 out of 5]

"the truth is that we don’t need to label someone to understand them or work on improving our relationship with them. We can see them more clearly by exploring reasons for their actions in light of who they are instead of seeking evidence for what issues we fear they have. In short, we can deprioritize the label and focus more on the individual. Which, as it happens, is most of what clinicians are trained to do."

[Sabrina · Rating 4 out of 5]

They're Not Gaslighting You is a refreshing and honest take on navigating modern relationships without overanalyzing every interaction. Isabelle encourages readers to ditch the therapy speak and stop obsessing over spotting red flags in every relationship, which can sometimes do more harm than good. The book is down to earth, relatable, and offers a balanced perspective, making it a helpful guide for anyone who feels overwhelmed by the current relationship discourse. While the advice is solid and practical, some sections feel a bit repetitive, but overall, it’s an insightful and thought provoking read. It’s a great reminder that not every conflict or misunderstanding is a sign of something toxic, and it’s okay to let go of the constant need for validation. Thanks NetGalley for the arc!!

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

An empathetic and educational look at the pitfalls of pathologizing our relationships. However, the chapters felt a bit redundant and the parallel structure of each section felt cumbersome. Best skimmed for chapters that seem particularly interesting to you.

[Ossy Firstan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dibaca skimming tentunya. Jika ingin membaca soal NPD, BPD, Ocd, gashlighting sampai red flag lainnya, ini menarique.

[Lottie C · Rating 4 out of 5]

[a copy of this book was provided to me by the publisher from netgalley. thank you!]

4.25⭐️

i found this self help book to be very informative as a person with narcissists in my life.

[Terry ~ Huntress of Erudition · Rating 4 out of 5]

Isabelle Morely's book reads like a slightly gossipy tell-all, but includes important facts about relationships. She has an interesting take on modern relationship dynamics. Many people are misdiagnosing every slight disagreement or difference as a “red flag” or form of emotional manipulation and therapy-speak has infiltrated everyday conversations - terms like "gaslighting," "narcissism," and "emotional abuse" have been weaponized and misunderstood, with people misinterpreting healthy disagreements as signs of toxicity.
Morely encourages readers to stop searching for “red flags” in every misstep, urging them to differentiate between true abuse and natural, imperfect human interactions instead of labeling every conflict as a sign of deeper issue.
She encourages people to look for patterns and context. Her approach is balanced, compassionate, and practical, steering away from a one-size-fits-all solution to relationship struggles.
I liked reading the case studies. The format got redundant after a few chapters, but the repetition made the advice easy to remember.