Living with Death and Dying

by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

In this compassionate and moving guide to communicating with the terminally ill, Dr. Elisabeth Küebler-Ross, the world's foremost expert on death and dying, shares her tools for understanding how the dying convey their innermost knowledge and needs. Expanding on the workshops that have made her famous and loved around the world, she shows us the importance of meaningful dialogue in helping patients to die with peace and dignity.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Death, Self Help, Medical, Grief

192 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 1982

About the author

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross was a Swiss-American psychiatrist, a pioneer in near-death studies, and author of the internationally best-selling book, On Death and Dying (1969), where she first discussed her theory of the five stages of grief, also known as the "Kübler-Ross model".
Kübler-Ross was a 2007 inductee into the National Women's Hall of Fame, was named by Time as one of the "100 Most Important Thinkers" of the 20th century and was the recipient of twenty honorary degrees. By July 1982, Kübler-Ross had taught 125,000 students in death and dying courses in colleges, seminaries, medical schools, hospitals, and social-work institutions. In 1970, she delivered an Ingersoll Lecture at Harvard University on the theme On Death and Dying. The New York Public Library also named, "On Death & Dying" as one of the "Library's Books of the Century."

Reviews

[Nicole Roccas · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book for two reasons. First, I am working my way through the lesser-known works of EKR's oeuvre in preparation for a class I am co-teaching on death in the Eastern Orthodox tradition at the Orthodox School of Theology (Toronto). Second, my father-in-law is currently in the middle of a long battle with cancer that doesn't have a good prognosis. I was looking for a practical book that would help me navigate communication, and after attempts with less-than-stellar books, I finally just went back to EKR. It's been half a century since she began pioneering a new way through death and dying and her works are still some of the best and most perceptive out there. I will now be recommending this book as a must-read to my friends with aging parents.

It initiates readers into the topic of death / communication strategies through narrative rather than exposition. I could locate myself in the stories, patients, and families that were described; I both related to and learned from their experiences. While many of the chapters deal explicitly with terminally ill children, the core ideas are applicable to a variety of situations involving caregiving, aging, and mortality in the general medical context.

Here are the main lessons I'll be taking with me, to apply to both my father-in-law and my course:

- Let your loved one talk about their sense of mortality in their own time or in their own way. Don't ask how they feel about dying, just ask how they're feeling (or why they seem sad/ upset) and give them the opportunity to bring up what they want to talk about if they want to talk about it.

- If they do bring up a fear of death, or other difficult thoughts, stay on their level. Let them say what they need to say. Don't make things lighter or more serious than your loved one is expressing.

- Anger (at God, death, nurses, you, etc.) can be a good thing. It is, among other things, a sign that your loved one is moving beyond denial, beginning to recognize the seriousness of his/her reality.

- The difference between acceptance (positive/ healthy) and resignation (not such a good sign). And some warning signs.

- The value of symbolic language. Maybe your loved one isn't talking about death explicitly, like you'd like them to. Maybe instead they are talking about a nightmare they had about being left alone, or a memory of a butterfly they once saw emerge from a cacoon. Don't dismiss such "random" comments abut try to be in that symbolic world with them for a moment. Be curious, ask questions, share in their emotional response to the symbol they've brought up. Death is a mystery and symbols are often the only way people can find to make sense of what they are going through. (And the symbols may be allowing them to work through things on a subconscious level as well, which is just as important as anything else.)

Here's to hoping these tidbits will come in handy in the weeks or months ahead.

But already, the book did what is hard for a work on this topic to do: it left me with hope and a greater sense of awe for the human condition of living, dying, and loving those around us in between. If you know someone who is dying--slowly or rapidly--or you are a living, breathing human being who has ever been preoccupied by the topic of death (which is ALL of us), read it.

[Rena Sherwood · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is one of those books you read and then almost immediately forget. I read this about 2005. I found it on my shelves after my dog and my Dad died recently and so I thought I'd read it again, since I couldn't remember this from the first time around.

Only about half of this book is by Kubler-Ross. The other sections are written by other folks. Why they're not given credit as co-authors, I don't know. I guess Kubler-Ross was the big moneymaker at the time (about 1980.)

I was hoping to find some advice on how to deal with grief but didn't find it.

What I did find is a scattershot and meandering look at how to care for dying children and adults. It also recounts one mother's experience with her dying daughter. There are conversations taken directly from transcripts, including "Ums" and references that only the talkers understand.

There's also an embarrassingly stupid look at the drawings of people who are well verses drawings of people who are dying or who experienced a death in the family. It is not a how-to guide and mentions that only professionals should attempt to interpert drawings and not to use it as a parlor game. Very silly stuff. For example, he makes a fuss over how a chair and a house are drawn without proper supports or windows, but I think all that it showed that these people couldn't draw chairs or houses.

And all of this is done in teeny-tiny print.

I think I'll give this book away.

[Russ · Rating 3 out of 5]

This short book is really only half by Kubler-Ross. Two of its four chapters are written by others, and the last chapter is transcription of an interview with Kubler-Ross. As a result, I think that the usefulness of the book is somewhat undermined; the book can't seem to determine if it is written for medical professionals or a general audience, nor can it figure out whether it is scholarly or not. I think the most interesting chapter was written by Martha Pearse Elliott, which talked about how involving parents in the care of children with cancer can help them in the process of accepting the death of their child.

[Crystal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very thorough and helpful, but some articles are inevitably more helpful than others. Overall very good though!
if you work in hospice or homecare dealing with death alot this book is worth reading great insight on coping and how to handle the ending process.
actually gonna buy this book for reference

[Starling Wolfrum · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another classic on death and dying lol. I preferred this one to on death and dying. It was a bit less outdated and addressed new topics. I was especially interested in the section on automatic drawing, though I do wonder if the interpretations went a little too far. I feel like drawings are better used as a tool to help patients communicate and visualize their own feelings, though the guest author of the section went pretty far into obscure interpretations. I would rather hear from the people who drew them what they see in their work.

[Daniela Ashworth · Rating 4 out of 5]

A pioneer in her field Elisabeth Ross relates stories that will help both medical personnel and family rethink their approach to helping those they love or care for who are in the process of dying, as well as themselves. There is encouragement to talk more openly about death and dying, as well as powerful examples of using art therapy and symbolism for processing and healing, as a means of communication and expression ...

[Christine Rollins LeStarge · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fascinating! A little dry and research-y, but it's got important insights for dealing with death and dying. It focuses a lot on terminally ill young children.

[Elodie Chevalier · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ce livre permet de voir la mort sous différents angles et permet d’apprendre à geré cet événement

[Christian Engler · Rating 5 out of 5]

The data and writings of Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross are really perceptive and affecting, because they show the living what can be possible versus what just is, as well as how life can and should be lived: to the fullest and most meaningful way possible. And with all Kubler-Ross's previous books, Living with Death and Dying is no exception. In this, her fifth book, she looks at the progression of palliative care by way of parent-pediatric involvement (see Section III, Parent Care: Total Involvement in the Care of a Dying Child). In it, a mother movingly recounts the dying of her daughter with leukemia and all the stresses that were attached to the situation. But what mitigated the sadness of the inevitable was the direct involvement of the parents in the care of their daughter to the bitter end. And where a loss of this magnitude can often cause separartion and ulitmately divorce, the unified confrontation by the husband and wife and the other healthy child (in this particular case), actually solidified the nucleus of the family; the bond became tighter and unbreakable, which was very nice to know. But though the loss was understandably painful, it was also a gift, for it brought about a heightened acuteness of love and living, not just through words but by actions and the uncommon stepping outside of the 'comfort' zone of their day-to-day reality. Also interesting was the in-depth exploration of drawing-analysis of the soma (the body) and the psyche (the soul) in regards to terminally-ill patients and those deeply psychologically wounded (read Section II, The Use of Drawings Made at Significant Times in One's Life). It is a great illustration of nonverbal communication and truly eye-opening when you explore the 'hidden' messages that are not as concealed as one might think. Because of the merciful candidness, courage and knowledge of patients, families, clergy and medical staff, like Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, among others, they have mentally brought readers to the brink of death by their own experiences and observations. Through death and dying, they have taught that openness and candor are imperative and that compassion and goodness does not have to begin when death and dying enters the scene.

[William Hiser · Rating 5 out of 5]

How to Book
Living with Death and Dying: How to communicate with the terminally ill, written by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, MD, is a 181 page How-To book published by Touchstone in 1997. It was written for grades 9+, ages 14- adult. The author teaches us how to use her tools for understanding how the dying tell their innermost knowledge and needs. She describes the urgency for meaningful dialogue in assisting patients to pass with peace and dignity. We learn how important we are to the person dying and how communication with them helps us in our grieving process.

[shiv · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everybody can find something useful from this little piece on psychiatry. The book talks about how to communicate with people who are about to die and mentally prepare the family members for the inevitable. Sounds like a bit gloomy topic but it's factual nonetheless.

[Kevin · Rating 2 out of 5]

What the dying have to teach us. More about denial, acceptance, and attitudes of people that are terminal.

[Karin · Rating 5 out of 5]

great book for anyone wanting to support someone with terminal cancer

[Vicky · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most important books of our time. Read it years ago.