Unworthy: How to Stop Hating Yourself

by Anneli Rufus, Rose Itzcovitz (Reading)

"Self-loathing is a dark land studded with booby-traps. Fumbling through its dark underbrush, we cannot see what our trouble actually is: that we are mistaken about ourselves. That we were told lies long ago which we, in love and loyalty and fear, believed. Will we believe ourselves to death?" -from Unworthy


As someone who has struggled with low self-esteem her entire life, Anneli Rufus knows only too well how the world looks through the eyes of those who are not comfortable in their own skin. In Unworthy, Rufus boldly explores how a lack of faith in ourselves can turn us into our own worst enemies.


Drawing on extensive research, enlightening interviews, and her own poignant experiences, Rufus considers the question: What personal, societal, biological, and historical factors coalesced to spark this secret epidemic, and what can be done to put a stop to it? She reveals the underlying sources of low self-esteem and leads us through strategies for positive change.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Mental Health, Personal Development, Health, Audiobook

Audio

First published May 15, 2014

About the author

Anneli Rufus is an award-winning American journalist and author.

Born in Los Angeles, California, she first went to college in Santa Barbara, then to the University of California, Berkeley. Rufus earned an English degree and became a journalist. She's written for many publications, including Salon.com, the San Francisco Chronicle and the Boston Globe. Currently she is the literary editor for the East Bay Express, an alternative weekly newspaper. She is now married and resides in Berkeley, California. wikipedia

Reviews

[Richard M · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rufus says that self-esteem/hatred exists on a spectrum, that most people like some things and dislike some things about themselves. She's describing, and writing to, those of us on the bottom. I knew she was writing to me when she said that we don't just want to be better-looking, smarter, higher achievers-- we want to be someone else, because we can't stand being who we are. If this doesn't describe you, you don't need this book.

I needed this book, because I knew I had something going on that went beyond what the typical self-help/self-esteem book was describing, but the words that kept coming out of my mind, especially about wishing I was someone else, about real self-loathing, weren't being addressed there. Almost every "page" of this book (kindle reader here) showed me a flash of...me. Some were so accurate that they hurt, but I'm to the point that I'm ready for the pain.

Many of you are bothered by how much vitriol she heaps on her mother. I'm uncomfortable with it too, but understand it-- it's like Rufus found the key and, having found it, sees so much of what she couldn't see before. My best therapist worked with me to see how much of my pain came from my parents (even using hypnosis, on the possibility that I had pushed something awful out of my memory), and we concluded that while they (especially my father) were contributors, none of it was malicious, all could be forgiven (posthumously, unfortunately-- they weren't into uncomfortable conversations of this sort), and the rest came from bullying and teasing from elsewhere that probably wasn't abnormal, but which punished me to the core, and taught me that going invisible was an optimal strategy. It is, if all you want is a ghost of a life. I didn't, but never found the courage to do otherwise. (There's the self-loathing again, but that's another issue in the book-- self-loathing explains so much.) Actually, I can look back and see that I chose my life, but I chose a life where my desires ran the gamut from x to z.

Even at this late date in my life, this book makes me think that I have another tool to try and salvage a better life.

[Molly · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is not a self-help book, but unfortunately it is marketed that way.

It should be considered a memoir because the author cannot seem to stop talking about her own life, family, past and misery. It's a whiny, neurotic, obsessive, and self-indulgent list of perceived slights from her past.

I really don't think the author is qualified to help anyone with low self-esteem, as she doesn't show any improvement herself; it's the blind leading the blind.

[Christine · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's crazy how this book really pinpoints the reasons why we loath ourselves. I could identify (sadly) with a majority of this book. It's a self help book that I enjoyed reading and it wasn't full of typical "self help advice"

I'll surely be re-reading this again and taking the advice to heart. I recommend this to everyone.

[Michael · Rating 4 out of 5]

Self-loathers unite. While at times this book approaches self-parody (the author's history with her crazy mom is mined endlessly for illustrating and not-at-all amusing anecdotes past the point of exhaustion), there is much to think about here. I asked my significant other to read the section on personality traits associated with low self-esteem because it seemed to describe me so closely. While the book is heavier on discussion and examples of self-hating thoughts and behaviors, there are also a few tips on fighting it for those of us who suffer from it, presented in an semi-inspirational, you-actually-can-do-it way that doesn't seem too overbearing for those of us who have been told endlessly to just "get over ourselves" all of our lives. Recommended.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although the book got bogged down in places (especially in the frequent references to the author's mother), I'm giving it four stars for the spot-on description of life with chronic low self-esteem.

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. —BERTRAND RUSSELL

I've been reading several books of low self-esteem, but this is the only one that has been written by someone who truly understands what it is to loathe yourself. Author Anneli Rufus has struggled with this all her life. But it's not just the feeling of being understood that makes this book tops. Rufus writes amazingly, and her analogies help even those who don't hate themselves (lucky!) understand what those who do struggle with this are going through. She writes as if to the reader alone, as if you're reading a long letter from a friend.

I've also never laughed at loud while reading a book on self-esteem: "Be the first on your block to start a self-loathing support group. Call it SLAG: Self-Loathing All Gone. Or SLOB: Self-Loathing Oblivion-Bound. Hello! My name is Tyler and I hate myself."

Her advice seems simple enough so that you're willing to try, as in this description of releasing negative thoughts: "Imagine the phrase I can’t as a leaf that has flown into your hair on a windy day. Imagine plucking that leaf from your hair, holding it in your palm, and letting the wind take it back, blow it away." Or this one: "But say you had walked with that rock inside your shoe for five blocks. Say you had walked that way for five miles. Say you had walked that way for fifty miles and never shook it out. Because you did not know it was a rock, you believed it was part of you. Because you did not know you could."

Alternatively encouraging and understanding, this book is the ONE you should read if you struggle with self-hatred, or love someone who does.

[Rachel · Rating 2 out of 5]

This wasn't a read to learn how to stop hating yourself, it was how, whom, and where it started and to identify the self-loathing. The 'advice' that was given how to stop the self-loathing wasn't helpful at all. The diffusing of the traps we fall into didn't give any sort of help or advice to steer away from them happening. It read the same way just the words rearranged, and continuing the trap versus disabling it.

There was some stories by others dealing with and how the self-loathing started, which was interesting to read and how they handled it. The author talks about how her mom hated herself and those demons made Rufus hate themselves growing up. The back and forth between her and her mother throughout was more then what the should of been.

There is some things that when you do loath yourself, you recognize those aspects while you read them. The section of the 'character flaws are coping mechanisms' seemed most fit on a much lower level. Lies, overly apologizing, not being able to decide or choose, ruin our own fun, fake lives around others, stuck in the past, can't accept praise, we're perfectionists, can't say no to anything, assume the worst, we don't like ourselves, and we don't like that we don't like ourselves. I'm sure that this hits most of everyone, some on a smaller scale while others on much bigger ones.

This book seems to be the EXTREME of a lot of the issues and made out way bigger then what they really are for most. Rufus literally compares any one who self-loathes to being in a cult and was referencing ex-cult tactics to 'heal' from the self- loathing. This was very unsettling and hit me the wrong way.

Overall, I didn't like this read. I don't think that most people need to read this if they are seeking help to relieve some of the self-loathing. This isn't it. This is a good read if you want to know or sit back and think of how your self-loathing started and accumulated.

[Sara · Rating 2 out of 5]

No disclaimers about self help: I've had, still have, some bad days.
That out of the way, I picked this up because I really enjoyed Rufus's 2004 Loner's Manifesto, a great mix of personal narrative and social history, including an interesting chapter on the sudden spike in invalid women during the early days of the car.
Unworthy is more of a rant, sometimes powerful, but like any rant it takes far too much time get to the point, after which it does so again and again and again. By sheer coincidence, I read much of this concurrently with The Waves, and found the self-hating voices of Woolf's characters similar and a lot more comforting than Rufus's blathering about the inner child.
Rufus is great when she's piecing together bits of philosophy and history and helping you understand yourself in a larger context. There's too little of that here, but what I do like is her acknowledgement of the inner critic as a would be protector. When I'm writing, that nasty voice is often more help than hindrance, even if he makes for slow going.

Jerk.

[Melody · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't say this about a lot of books, but this one has changed my life. I'm not exaggerating. I have low self-esteem and the techniques she laid-out in this book were exactly what I needed to recognize and begin to get rid of my problems. The ending is also hopeful and ends on a supportive note. Does it become a little tedious when she's talking about her tragic past and her bad parents? Yes, however I jumped ahead whenever the 'woe is me' became a bit too much.

There are so many gems in this book. So many lines I can see on inspirational posters. Things that really made me stop and think and want to apply them to my day-to-day life. This is a true self-help book. She lays out the problems, what you can do it about it and then it's over. You can take it or leave it. She can't do the work for you, you have to decide that you want to heal like she wrote in the final chapter. I loved this and I can't wait to read it again.

[LemontreeLime · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I picked this up to read, I never expected to come up against a mirror held up to a huge portion of my mental life. Anneli Rufus bravely nails just what the experience of self hate is like, when your inner critics go way past all powerful into tyrant stage. As I read, I recognized the neighborhood her mind was hanging out in, down to the street signs and storefronts. And her answer to solving it is constant vigilance, not allowing yourself to dissect and ruin every experience. Yet isn't that just another variation on a theme? The inner critics were running the same vigilance before? I will say this, Rufus has accurately described what experiencing this level of inner negativity is like to the point of giving me chills, and I commend her for her bravery, and wish her the very best. She met her devils, then defeated and trapped them in print. Brava.

[Jenn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Obviously, I read this book for a reason. I have had self-esteem and self-loathing issues since my pre-teen years. But I can truly say that this book put into words what I couldn't come to terms with - both the reasons behind it and how to start on the path towards recovery. I'm not completely fixed, but it's at least opened my eyes to things that I need to do start on my journey towards self-acceptance. Definitely recommended for others who have those same inner demons.

[Natalia · Rating 1 out of 5]

I thought my self-esteem was a little low and heard good reviews about this book... But it's awful to read. The opening chapters make you realize their are people who REALLY HATE themselves; that's not me. It made me uncomfortable to think there are these people ... Well anyway, I put it down after a few pages. Apparently, my self-esteem isn't so bad.

[Lamis · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF at 128 pages, this is the 5th book to DNF in my while life. There is no substance to the book, nothing scientific, the author is describing low self esteem and mixing it with anxiety and post traumatic symptoms. Really boring and not going anywhere.

[Misti · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rufus, who has clawed her own way out of low self-esteem, reaches a hand back to her fellow sufferers. While she acknowledges that self-hatred can come from many sources, we do hear an uncomfortable amount about her difficult relationship with her mother. Inspired, perhaps, by Buddhist philosophy, Rufus encourages her readers to aim for a middle path between self-hatred and narcissism.

I found a few useful ideas and strategies in this book. My best takeaway relates to negative self-talk. The author recommends acknowledging that the negative voice is trying to protect you, and then gently redirecting. I’m going to try to do this in future. However, I listened to the audiobook, and did not think that the narrator was a good fit, vocally. Her phrasing was awkward in spots. She also mispronounced a few words and names, which a good producer should have caught and corrected. I feel badly for criticizing the narrator of a work about self-esteem, but there you have it. Read the print version if you think this book might be useful to you.

[Stewart · Rating 4 out of 5]

Self-loathing is the subject of Anneli Rufus’ 2014 book “Unworthy: How to Stop Hating Yourself.” Her book combines psychological research, stories of people (famous and not famous) suffering from self-loathing, and most importantly, firsthand knowledge. On Page 1, Rufus admits that she suffered from this disorder for 40 years.
I don’t know how much of a problem self-loathing is in this country. But when you include related syndromes like depression, bipolar disorder, and ordinary low self-esteem (a milder form of self-loathing), it does seem this problem touches many people.
Where does self-loathing or low self-esteem come from? I remember reading someone who said something to the effect that parents don’t give culture to their children, they ARE culture. That is to say, children’s beliefs, behaviors, and indeed their way of experiencing themselves and the world come from parents – and of course, to a lesser extent, from friends, family, teachers, reading, television, and movies, etc.
The author of this book was bequeathed her four-decades-long self-loathing from her mother. “I hated myself because mom hated herself and, meaning no harm, taught me how. Self-loathing spreads that way, from heart to heart and hand to hand.”
Even well into adulthood, in my experience, many people may not be aware that their fundamental characteristics were soaked up through osmosis – effortlessly, even unconsciously – in childhood: language, behaviors, beliefs, each person’s unique way of interacting with the universe. Some human characteristics are innate, but most of them come from other people, especially parents. We rarely stop to ponder this basic process of childhood and understand its consequences in our lives. We may assume our beliefs and behaviors have always been part of us.
“So ponder, even merely theoretically at first, the notion that you hate yourself by happenstance and not because you should,” Rufus writes. “That your self-loathing is a concept, a philosophy, a legacy, an entity that you adopted somewhere back there just as people adopt new philosophies when joining cults. That your self-loathing is someone else's philosophy: an individual's, society’s, a clique’s – thrust upon you when you are young and/or trusting and/or aiming to please.”
These beliefs and behaviors, hardened by habit over years, become our universe, and we may not be aware that some components of our belief system are wrong. We fail to realize that we could have other beliefs about ourselves and about the world around us. Our opinion of ourselves – ranging from self-loathing to its opposite, self-importance and arrogance – may be harmful to ourselves and others, but we don’t question it, much less attempt to change it because we think our beliefs and behaviors are innate and unchangeable.
Rufus explores the how and whys of self-hate, then hits the proverbial nail on the head when she writes, “The weird thing about self-esteem is how little connection it bears to reality.”
Reality is a slippery concept to define, but for the purposes of this book we may regard it as the social world we share with others. I would argue, and I think Rufus would agree, that our journey through life is easier if we line up our self-image with reality, in other words, have a realistic opinion about ourselves. Adulthood should be a time when we try to better know and accept ourselves, acknowledging our virtues and vices, successes and failures, our talents and areas in which we have little or no talent.
This lining up of our self-image and social reality is difficult and never precise, but after we make this effort, we should realize that we belong somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between the extremes of self-loathing and arrogance. Putting our lives in the perspective of all of humanity, we have to admit there have been no human beings who lived on Earth (including ourselves) who have done everything well or everything badly.
“[B]etween self-loathing and narcissism is a vast spectrum comprising infinitely various degrees of self-regard. Neither extreme is good. If only we could just reach medium.”
Ancient Greek philosophy talked of the golden mean as the desirable middle ground for our beliefs and actions, a psychological region located between harmful extremes. Confucianism, Buddhism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam, and other religious traditions teach similar messages.
Rufus agrees, writing, “Most spiritual paths advocate a conscientious middle ground. According to these doctrines, good people just do good, which generally entails neither playing God nor playing dead.”
After analyzing how and why she and many other people have made themselves miserable, how their own attitudes cause defeat or paralysis in decision-making, she offers hope with her last two chapters which provide guidelines for breaking out of this cycle of self-loathing.

[Jlarkin43 · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read it a couple of months ago, and it was very helpful for me. I think maybe a lot of the naysayers don't actually have low self-esteem, but I do. I recognized myself in everyone of the traits she lists, and I could add a few of my own.

The one thing about this book that really bothered me, and it's a trend I've been seeing for awhile, is the foul language. It lends an ignorant, crass quality to the writing that I don't want to be subjected to. Now, let me be clear. I am not above such language myself, when I jammed my thumb, for instance, or for lesser reasons. But why so many quality writers (Anne Lamott and Bill Bryson, for instance) feel the need to insert so much of it into their otherwise fine writing is beyond me. And Rufus is one of those.

Back to what I really want to say. I don't usually fall into the "self-hating" category, so I didn't take this book out in public for fear I'd scare my friends. Occasionally I do slide into that pit, though, and it usually starts with a memory of something stupid that I did or said, or a memory of how I allowed someone to walk all over me and disrespect me, and then I start to feel like crap. I then dig myself in deeper with thoughts like, "How could anyone like a loser like you?" and on and on and on...

When I read Rufus's chapter about traits of self-loathing people, I realized (for the first time, oddly) that it's not just me. I did and said all those stupid things for a reason, and I'm not the only one. And since I finished the book and put it away, I haven't had those thoughts again. I'm not saying the low self-esteem is gone, but the need to dwell on all the past crap just isn't there.

And that feels so good.

Thank you, Anneli.

[Nicholle · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hate is a pretty strong word, and probably not one I'd use in this instance, but we have a longstanding joke in our family that "we're not good enough for self-esteem." This was the first book I've read on the subject, although certainly not the first I've contemplated.

This was not a step-by-step self help book, but almost a stream-of-conscience discussion of what it's like to have low or no self-esteem. The "personality flaws" she describes are spot on, and more than just simple observations or sterile diagnoses. I appreciated the writing style as much as the treatment of the topic.

I kinda liken reading this book to eating a rich dessert. I tried to consume it slowly, taking in the complexity, chewing on small bites, but the longer I had it on the nightstand, the more I was reminded of the unhealthy content staring me in the face everyday. Then, I felt even worse about my inability to get through and appreciate a book about feeling bad about myself...Yeah.

The author, rightfully so, places much of her personal struggle on her mother. I am ever so thankful I continue to have the most awesome Mom and family who have always encouraged me (beyond understanding) to find the good.

[Mary Overton]

UNWORTHY, a book about self-loathing, was recommended to me by two of the smartest, funniest, kindest, most gifted people I know. Isn’t that both sad and hilarious? I feel unworthy to share their perceptions of unworthiness.
Anneli Rufus’ hysteria-tinged prose captures the delirium of self-hate, the sodden yearning to un-be the self you are. The “unworthy” are legion. From page 49:
“According to one biographer, Franz Kafka’s lifelong struggle with low self-esteem was due to his ‘highly developed capacity for seeing himself in the eyes of others.’ ….
“The painter Paul Cezanne reacted so strongly to criticism that while still young he earned the nickname l’Ecorche, meaning ‘the flayed one.’ It was the name of a sculpture of which he owned a cast, and which he drew again and again - fascinated by the metaphor of a skinless man….”

The Flayed Man by Jean-Antoine Houdon
http://www.artcyclopedia.com/feature-...

[Brian · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very brave book insofar as she discussed her mother and her own immense troubles with self-hatred. She did not take a pandering tone or tried to be a world-weary saint. However (bet you saw that coming) she did not have an answer to the incontrovertible evidence that one's self-loathing is beyond justified. I don't know if there is an adequate response to that but if you're wedded to the justification of your self-loathing you won't be receptive to some of what she says. If the book appeals to your for any reasons it is worth the 10.99 or whatever it costs (I read it on Kindle which was perhaps unwise since it took me longer than it would have if I had ponied up for the hardcover).

[Alex · Rating 5 out of 5]

For me just reading about what the author went through in her life sent me on to an amazing adventure into self compassion. I didn't even get more than 75% of the book before I began to have healthy self love or compassion. The two techniques I employed without even getting to that part of the book was to spend time in places where you love yourself and to treat your own life story from a place of compassion. This book along with the quotes I found of Shannon L. Alder have changed my life forever.

[cherBear · Rating 5 out of 5]

this author was, in the name of the fugees (lol) .... "killing me softly with her words. telling my whole life with her words:=."
my eyes were already open to my flaws and habits... but for her to roll them into ONE by showing how they correlate with each other and fuel one another. she helped me make sense of it all. Still working on myself... but that's on me not her. very good read for more information or how to sort your thoughts in order.

[Inga · Rating 2 out of 5]

A bit repetitive and sometimes I zoned out but a good reminder that our view of the world and our lives comes from within, and what we feel within usually comes in some way from the outside. Would have liked it to have more practical ways to work yourself out of a low self esteem (but maybe it did and that was just where I zoned out?), most of it seemed focused on the causes of low self esteem, more than how to fix it.

[Katie · Rating 3 out of 5]

This didn't really live up to the promise of the title- it's not great at telling you how to stop hating yourself. The author spends a bit too much time talking about her own family and how they contributed to her self-loathing. She also doesn't really get into why differnt people have such different reactions to how others view them- two people could have the same experience and one could come out hating themself while the other doesn't, but after reading this book, I still have no idea why.

[Renee Pelletier · Rating 2 out of 5]

Anneli Rufus begins her writing from the central premise that all self loathing stems from "spell-casters," or other people who undermined our self confidence. Her method of regaining self respect is to return to a time when you did not hate yourself (probably aged 3-5) and build yourself up from there. Unworthy: How to Stop Hating Yourself starts off strong enough, with promises to explore the nature of self loathing and use this knowledge to help readers find a middle place between self hate and narcissism. However, Unworthy's flaws soon overwhelm its strengths, and I struggled to finish it.

I had four main problems with this book: 1. the millennial problem, 2. the mother, 3. too many quotes, 4. highly coddling.

I won't spend too long trying to lay out my problems, but

1. The vicious way she discusses millennials was really jarring. Anecdote after anecdote urged the reader to remember and respect the humanity of ourselves. And others, I had assumed. But apparently not if they were born after 1980, since the one story about a millennial was written with real venom. I actually gasped at loud at the sheer venom in this description of a college student on a train: "The strappy skintight top and short shorts she is wearing do not flatter her. I think she does not realize this. It's not like some people who know that certain outfits do not flatter them but wear those outfits anyway, rebelliously. I think she really does not know." The rest of the anecdote is so ludicrous I have a hard time believing it actually happens. This story opens the chapter that Rufus uses to explain some of her pet theories about millennials and their narcissism. It's pretty clear she did not expect young people to read this book.

2. Towards the end this book reads much more like a deep dive into the author's relationship with her mother, told irritatingly in the second person, than the general exploration of self-hatred informed by the author's experiences I had been promised in the beginning. Rufus's mother is often used as a model of someone with self hatred. Because she clearly had very complicated mental health problems and abused Rufus, I don't think this was a good choice.

3. Way too many celebrity quotes/stories taken (stolen?) from interviews/memoirs. These felt so shallow! Occasional illuminating quotes sprinkled in here and there might have been appropriate, but using the stories of celebrities alongside anecdotes she collected from friends felt like filler. Especially quotes from figures like Gandhi, who hurt many women in his life and was a known anti-African racist. We're supposed to be shocked that even Gandhi could have struggled with self hatred.

4. Finally, I resented the constant coddling. Rufus's book depends on the idea that none of her readers are committed genocide. Maybe not, but most have done things they still regret. Their self hatred might be rational, but an unhelpful way to deal with the pain they've caused.

Overall, this was not the book for me. I didn't want a self help book, but I did want a more thoughtful exploration of self hatred than I got.

[Lisa Wendell · Rating 3 out of 5]

Actually, one of the more digestible self-help books on low self-esteem. Rufus writes compassionate and fairly well-considered descriptions of the many reasons why feelings of worthlessness occur in the first place, and how devastating the lifelong results can be. She catalogs just about every reason for and manifestation of low-self esteem it is possible to imagine--some as a result of any number and type of childhood wounds/insults and others seemingly popping up out of nowhere based on how we respond individually to various challenges and obstacles. She offers anecdotes from others as well as frequent details of her own childhood as examples for how initial injuries occur and continue to repeat again and again throughout one's life as a direct consequence of unconscious negative thinking. The real meat of the book lies in these often insightful analyses.

However, as with many books in this genre, the list of so-called remedies to habitual self-negating behaviors is fairly shallow. Much of what her advice comes down to is the simplistic remonstration to "JUST STOP" feeling like this. You can try any variety of suggestions to quell your knee-jerk self-blaming attitude (i.e. mindfulness meditation, yoga, deep breathing, Cognitive Behavioral therapy, hot showers, etc.) but when all else fails, "JUST DON'T" feel that way anymore. For me, and I'm assuming many others who read these kinds of books, the admonition to "adopt yourself," rings hollow. Despite her rather simplistic attempts to identify next steps, Rufus does adequately address the crux of the issue in her final chapters when she explains that healing takes time...a lot of time; patience and intentional effort will out.

This is not an academic book. It can be read over the course of several 15 or 20 minute sessions. For that reason it is excellent bedtime material--not too overwhelming or difficult to absorb. For those people, like myself, who have read countless books on anxiety, depression, anger, PTSD, CBT.. it is not a bad addition to the list, and perhaps there is just enough here and there within its pages to be helpful.

[Irene Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was prompted to read this book after finishing Alice Millar's extraordinary, "The Drama of the Gifted Child", and Anneli Rufus' own impactful, "Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto". After the latter, I was convinced that Rufus would surely have something to say on this topic of "damaged" childhood selves that continue to haunt adult lives. And I wasn't disappointed.

"Unworthy" is both infuriating and fascinating as the author skewers society's focus on "self-esteem" while revealing the depths of her own personal pain. As a reader, I really felt that pain and very much appreciated how she unmasked the disturbing reality of those who feel "worthless" while providing insights into this very human plight.

Some reviewers don't like how the author so freely laid bare the challenges of her own life. But I do. To me, that's what makes this book a compelling view into human experience.

So despite a little heavy-handedness in reinforcing points already made, and even if I squirmed a lot as I read, this book successfully combines a deeply personal expose, a social/cultural critique, and a very hopeful invitation to move towards the "middle-ground" on the scale of human self-esteem.

Disturbing, enlightening, and all wrapped up in some amazingly thoughtful, snappy writing, this is a book that's worth reading if the topic interests you.

[Janet · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was prompted to read this book after finishing Alice Millar's extraordinary, "The Drama of the Gifted Child", and Anneli Rufus' own impactful, "Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto". After the latter, I was convinced that Rufus would surely have something to say on this topic of "damaged" childhood selves that continue to haunt adult lives. And I wasn't disappointed.

"Unworthy" is both infuriating and fascinating as the author skewers society's focus on "self-esteem" while revealing the depths of her own personal pain. As a reader, I really felt that pain and very much appreciated how she unmasked the disturbing reality of those who feel "worthless" while providing insights into this very human plight.

Some reviewers don't like how the author so freely laid bare the challenges of her own life. But I do. To me, that's what makes this book a compelling view into human experience.

So despite a little heavy-handedness in reinforcing points already made, and even if I squirmed a lot as I read, this book successfully combines a deeply personal expose, a social/cultural critique, and a very hopeful invitation to move towards the "middle-ground" on the scale of human self-esteem.

Disturbing, enlightening, and all wrapped up in some amazingly thoughtful, snappy writing, this is a book that's worth reading if the topic interests you.

[H · Rating 5 out of 5]

I haven't been this affected by a book in years.

I have been depressed all my life, strange in behavior and ashamed of my every trait. A few years back I became ashamed of the pain itself, and tried to dismiss those feelings, telling myself that I was being childish and whiny, and forced myself act normal. But denying all my pain seemed to deaden something in me. I couldn't feel anything anymore, except the everpresent shame.

Reading this book was reexperiencing those buried thoughts I've had all my life. Suddenly every single line and every single nuance came rushing back to me and I couldn't help crying. Where in my head those thoughts were a jumbled mess that I couldn't stand to look at, the author gave order to the confusion and helped me make sense of the thoughts I tried to renounce. The insight I got from the book was no less powerful than years of therapy.

I don't think this could be called a self-help book. It's a manifesto of sorts, a guiding light for all the people who are suffering in this particular manner. Reading this book didn't cure me, but what it did give me was self-understanding and compassion. I am not ashamed of my pain anymore, and that in itself is a priceless gift.

[Cindy Koch-Krol · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you have ever looked at yourself and thought, "OMG, why do I do this $hit?" This book is for you. The book talks about self-loathing that gives us low self-esteem. And it addresses why many of us are suffering from this addiction and what we can do to reach the middle ground. The middle ground is a new concept for me. I have in my own life practiced Rebellion which is to do the exact diametrical opposite of whatever my "Spellcasters" (her description for the people who told us untrue things about ourselves that we then believed to be true) told me to do. The problem with that, of course, is that they are still controlling what I'm doing, rather than choosing what I want to do myself. I'm not 60 years old and my "spellcasters" are all dead and gone. I have been searching for me true self for many years now and in doing I have found a middle ground of sorts but I still backslide upon occasion without knowing why. This book very clearly delineated why these things happen and what to do about it. I recommend it as a starting point for anyone who has suffered from Self-Loathing behavior in whatever guise it takes. It won't always relate to your situation but many parts of this book will make you hold your head and say, "Yes, exactly."

[Nate Sort · Rating 1 out of 5]

i appreciated some of the points the author was attempting to make, but found that much written just... seemed messy.

i did not realise there was a hierarchy in low self-esteem but this seemed to make one -- where millennials apparently were at the lowest, because they have so much pride and no sense of community. finding biased research that is quite possibly outdated and just flat out wrong, is so lazy on the part of the writer. it rubbed me the wrong way, as i found that many of people my age (who are also millennials, yes) struggle with low self-esteem a LOT -- so to find that this book was not letting them have a seat at the table, felt so wrong.

not to mention all the "reassurance" that those of "lesser traumas" didn't experience the "bigger traumas" but were still valid in some sense, were at first warranted. but then it just got tiring to hear. it wasn't in a "listen, we're all valid" way; it felt written specifically to say that, those with "bigger issues" are not the ones targeted in this book. we don't belong. now, especially when you've experienced perhaps some of the bigger traumas, you once again don't feel like you have a seat at the table. you feel invalidated, and in a book about low self-esteem, that's a bad move.

i'm just disappointed.