Jump to ratings and reviews
Rate this book

Rehearsals for Dying: Digressions on Love and Cancer

Rate this book
An expansive, darkly funny, and deeply personal reflection on the reality of living with—and dying from—metastatic breast cancer.


Deena stepped out of the shower and opened her towel in the steam. “Does my breast look weird?” These words irrevocably change the lives of writer Ariel Gore and her wife. As they descend into a world of doctors and tests, medications and insurance, sickness and treatments and hope and pain and more, they discover just how little they truly knew—despite the awareness campaigns and hyper-visible pink ribbons—about the reality of breast cancer. Over the four years following Deena’s terminal diagnosis, Gore does what she always does, no matter how difficult or personal the she writes about it. 


With keen insights, empathy, and humor, Ariel Gore braids together the story of Deena’s experience, her own role as a caretaker, narratives from others living with breast cancer, literary reflections on illness, and reportage on the history of breast cancer and the $200 billion industry that capitalizes on and profits from breast cancer screenings and treatments. Rehearsals for Dying investigates and challenges everything we think we know about breast cancer. It goes beyond awareness to knowledge, presenting a rich, nuanced, heartbreaking, and hopeful portrait of what it is to be diagnosed with, treat, and live with breast cancer in the twenty-first century.

324 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 11, 2025

32 people are currently reading
2381 people want to read

About the author

Ariel Gore

37 books345 followers
ARIEL GORE is the author of We Were Witches (The Feminist Press, 2017), The End of Eve (Hawthorne Books, 2014), and numerous other books on parenting, the novel The Traveling Death and Resurrection Show, the memoir Atlas of the Human Heart, and the writer’s guide How to Become a Famous Writer Before You’re Dead. Farrar, Straus and Giroux will publish Bluebird: Women and the New Psychology of Happiness in January 2010.

Ratings & Reviews

What do you think?
Rate this book

Friends & Following

Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!

Community Reviews

5 stars
81 (57%)
4 stars
41 (28%)
3 stars
18 (12%)
2 stars
0 (0%)
1 star
2 (1%)
Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews
Profile Image for Ruth.
176 reviews14 followers
September 19, 2024
Ariel Gore's wife Deena developed breast cancer, at first Stage 0 and operable, and then progressing to take control of her entire body as Stage 4. Ariel delivers a passionate and informed memoir of the years they spent dealing with the cancer. This includes the doctors, the institutions, the tests, the attitudes simultaneously hopeful and debilitating as they navigate the World Of Cancer together.

In her inimitable humor, Ariel includes the misnomers of cancer: the doctors become parodies of thier attitudes: Dr. I- Don't- Care, Dr. -Park Avenue, Dr. You'll- Be- Fine. She and her wife attempt to deal with the unthinkable- at first led to be hopeful that a cure will be imminent considering the cancer's stage, then becoming angry and mistrustful of the sometimes callous medical professionals they need to interact with, and knowing that if they voice their concerns the providers were bound to be even less helpful and less attentive.

Equally as important as Ariel's telling of Deena's cancer, her treatments, her medications, her side effects- she provides factual information regarding the history of breast cancer and its treatment through the decades. She includes the interviews of other women who lived with breast cancer and enlightens the reader regarding the treatments and medications, as well as attitudes of oncology and oncologists.

Reading this book is devastating and helpful; gallows humour segueing into facts about current breast cancer treatment, quickly detailing the amazing support of their extended family and ongoing research with other women who deal with breast cancer.

Many thanks to the author for the ARC. This is an important book, written in the first person, for anyone with breasts to read. It will enlighten all.
Profile Image for M.
126 reviews1 follower
May 14, 2025
Jeez. This wrecked me. Heartbreaking and beautiful and painfully honest. Queer in every sense of the word. I wasn’t even halfway through before I’d started recommending it to everyone I know.
Profile Image for Patricia.
Author 3 books50 followers
February 21, 2025
This book is like nothing I've read before. Intensely sad and infuriating, I couldn't put it down, hoping, hoping that some moment of grace would arrive, but no . . . there was just so much that hurt and so much that made me mad. Still the work is a generous love letter for a dying spouse while also being an anti-capitalist (and illuminating) indictment of the medical industrial complex. I learned so much about metastatic breast cancer and appreciated the way Gore pushes the story beyond hers and Deena's to include the experiences--embodied experiences-- of others. I was relieved by the bits of humor she sprinkles in because, of course, we need to laugh, and I appreciate how honest she was about the need to periodically leave her dear one, just so she could breathe fully and sleep through the night. This is incredible book. I now have a deeper understanding of the meaning of "digression."
Profile Image for Karen Mcswain.
191 reviews7 followers
March 16, 2025
Poignant, candid, beautiful, and so very honest. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want Deena to end.
Profile Image for Wayne Scott.
58 reviews
March 25, 2025
I’m only minutes from finishing this memoir, which maybe isn’t the best time to write anything about it, but I guess I want to capture this feeling which is somewhere between stunned and deeply moved.

“Rehearsals for Dying” picks up where Audre Lorde’s “The Cancer Journals” leaves off. It’s an unflinching look at the impacts of breast cancer. It’s an unfiltered unsentimental look at how people struggle against and die in heartless capitalist misogynist homophobic systems that are mostly interested to profit. It’s a depiction of a fierce intelligence, Gore’s and her partner Deena’s, their superpower, which doesn’t save the day, but makes the best of it. It’s a love story that’s strong and fragile and real at the same time. Somehow in this dark labyrinth there is lightness and humor and sarcasm and joy and a few spicy recipes I want to try.

I feel changed for having read this book. I’ve been a friend to many people who lived with and died from cancer, I’m sure there will be more. But now I feel equipped to be a better friend on the hard journey.
37 reviews
June 22, 2025
Wow. Just wow. This book wasn’t even on my radar but I picked it up to complete the Goodreads challenge for June simply because it was the only qualifying book available at my library. I compulsively read this in a couple of days. I would read while eating and brushing my teeth because I didn’t want to put it down.

This book is hard and sad and scary but it’s also funny and hopeful and comforting. I got lost in the beautiful prose and almost forgot I was reading a book about cancer. I felt like Ariel and Deena were my lifelong friends and missed them immediately after finishing the last page.

There’s a very grim picture of what it really means to “battle” cancer in this book, especially if you’re not a standard cis person. Ariel routinely has to remind doctors that she’s calling about her wife and not her husband. They’re treated with cold nonchalance and at times, outright disdain all while medical bills as big as my mortgage continue piling up. Separately, a transgender friend of theirs also goes through breast cancer treatment and the way that experienced medical professionals completely fail this person due to their lack of care and empathy is just disgusting. (Also makes you stop and think about the pink-ification of everything related to breast cancer and how that makes someone feel if they AREN’T actually a feminine person.)

The ending of this ripped open my heart and made me so pissed off at modern medicine and capitalism and yes, cancer. It also made me fall in love with the author and her wife and all the vibrant friends and family that comprised their village. My life and my social circle look nothing like theirs, but I found them so deeply lovable.

My heart is hurting so terribly right now but I am so grateful to have experienced this book.
221 reviews
March 11, 2025
4.25⭐️

This is a candid memoir about Ariel Gore and her wife, Deena following the latter’s metastatic breast cancer diagnosis. Gore utilizes humor, research, and others’ embodied experiences (in addition to Deena’s) to illustrate the challenges and frustrations of navigating the US health care system, societal attitudes towards the terminally ill, and her own complex feelings as a caregiver/supporter.

I found the writing style both refreshing and insightful in a way that does not feel weighed down by the somber topic. Gore is unabashedly honest about the clinical interactions she and Deena have following their rapid plunge into the world of medicine, treatments, and insurance. I particularly appreciated her reflections on uncomfortable yet earnest questions surrounding life, freedom, and death.

“𝘞𝘢𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘷𝘢𝘥𝘦? 𝘐𝘧 𝘧𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘉𝘢𝘳𝘣𝘢𝘳𝘢 𝘌𝘩𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘳𝘦𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘨𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥, 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩 𝘪𝘵𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘸𝘰𝘮𝘢𝘯? 𝘈 𝘤𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘳? 𝘞𝘢𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩 𝘢 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘵𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴? 𝘞𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘴𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘯 𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘳𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘰𝘳 𝘥𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘩?”

When I first started this reading this story, I primarily expected a tragic narrative but it was much more than that. It was certainly emotional but also witty and and highly informative. For instance, I learned about the origins of the pink ribbon as a symbol for breast cancer and role of Pharma in promoting early detection among other facts.

If you’re interested in a nonfiction book that explores illness and grief through a queer lens supplemented with history then I highly recommend picking this one up!

Thank you @feministpress for the ARC!
Profile Image for Ayun Halliday.
Author 15 books114 followers
February 23, 2025
It's not hard to fall in love with Ariel Gore and her late wife, Deena Chafetz, a gifted chef and robust, funny, opinionated presence.

The epigraph to this gripping memoir serves as a concise, and remarkably apt summary:

Deena didn't want to die in this book because she didn't want to die, but there was no other way this story could end.

What readers might not be prepared for is how funny this book is - Ariel has a keen eye for the absurdities of life and what constitutes health care in the United States. Her gallows humor is both poignant and welcome.

Ariel and Deena's experience as a butch-femme couple in the American Southwest may not resemble that of many readers, but their frustrations and commitment to each other as Deena's condition deteriorates are universal, and heart-wrenching.

This no-bullsh*t memoir, originally slated to be co-authored with Deena, is both a page-turner and an extremely educational primer on how to support friends whose families are currently struggling with a terminal diagnosis. I expect that many grieving loved ones will feel seen in these pages.

I would not give this book to someone who has been newly diagnosed with cancer...just everybody else.


(For context - I read an Uncorrected Proof in the summer of 2024, and eagerly await its March 2025 publication)
Profile Image for Amanda Gilby.
Author 1 book1 follower
February 10, 2025
I read Rehearsals for Dying in two sittings. It's a powerful love story. It's activism and art that will break your heart, make you laugh, and encourage you to reconsider the power of shame. It's an exploration of humanity at its most raw and tender, but it's also information that everyone needs to consider because everyone is touched by cancer at some point in their lives.

This isn't just a memoir. It is the history of breast cancer, the reality of the cancer-industrial complex, and revelations on the remarkable differences in quality of care available, as well as profound literary reflections on cancer and illness. The words and experiences of other caregivers and people with embodied experience are beautifully woven into the central story.

This book opened my eyes in ways that will empower me in the future. Ariel Gore gave voice to things I experienced as a caregiver but didn't have the words to describe, even to myself.

And did I mention it's funny? Just read it. It's important.
Profile Image for Lucie Vandecandelaère.
Author 1 book
June 10, 2025
This was a heart-wrenching memoir. Beautifully written, this love-story made me cry. Sadly real, this between-the-lines study of capitalism and how it kills people through the american healthcare system gave me anger. Worrisome, the ever present homophobia and sexism in our society, showned through Deena and Ariel's experience, reminded me of the utmost importance of Pride Month, during which I read this book.
I'd like to thank the author and her belated wife for this sensational, feminist, thoughtful, educative, magnificient book. I loved everything in it, from the author's writing style, to the very original outline of this memoir. Deena, rest in peace. Ariel, thank you so much.
75 reviews
February 9, 2025
Funny and infuriating, wise and heartbreaking, Rehearsals for Dying is a gift.

It does what the best memoirs do, illuminating the deepest questions about living and dying, about love and need and the desire for freedom, by telling a story from one very specific life -- in this case, a queer, Gen X writer and mother in Santa Fe whose wife has metastatic breast cancer.

No one writes about shame like Ariel Gore. Her writing is medicine. I just finished and I'm already looking forward to reading this book again.
2 reviews49 followers
January 25, 2025
Ariel Gore skillfully weaves her story with her late wife's story of the experience they walked through when Deena was diagnosed with cancer. When I got to the last paragraph on page ten, my whole body broke out in goosebumps. That was 172 pages back but I won't spoil it for any of her readers. Okay, back to reading. Do take the time to check out Rehearsals for Dying - Digressions on Love and Cancer.
Profile Image for Rebecca Kuder.
Author 7 books10 followers
October 7, 2025
This book is, among many things, a generous love letter for a dying spouse and an anti-capitalist (and illuminating) indictment of the medical industrial complex.

Ariel Gore has this way of knitting together the many strands of experience that make us human. This is an exceptionally generous glimpse into what it is to love, and what it is to endure the perils of mortality as we love each other.
1 review
December 29, 2025
Gore opens up those intimate spaces a couple and family holds private and lets us in during the hardest time imaginable: a terminal health diagnosis. Yes, the failings of USA healthcare and the specific horrors of Stage 4 breast cancer are expertly explored but, for me, it is the tender honest space between Ariel and Deena that I treasure and remember months after my first read. Highly recommend.
Profile Image for Helen Sullivan.
Author 1 book2 followers
May 10, 2025
I love how this book weaves so many strands together: memoir, cancer writing itself and primer (what not to do when your friend has cancer!)... and yet never loses its forward momentum. I devoured it in two days. Even though the subject is sad, even tragic, the book is funny. Honesty tempered with love is a beautiful combination and this is a beautiful book
Profile Image for Honor.
24 reviews
June 30, 2025
This was an interesting read. It in pled a broader narrative or lived experience and research looking at Deena and Ariel’s journey with metastatic breast cancer. Sad, funny and moving. It was very eye opening and at times a disappointing at the lack of compassion, care and resource for patients and families.
Profile Image for Sofia.
103 reviews5 followers
Read
July 11, 2025
Beautiful recount of a life lived with someone you love. Made up of little digestible medical anecdotes that do little to help and even less to stoke hope. Dealt a really sucky hand. Have been crying.. just so honest and lovely
Profile Image for Jerie Bolin.
25 reviews7 followers
Read
October 14, 2025
“We knew it would be a story of forestalling…Digressions, we would come to understand, are life.”

What a beautiful, heart-wrenching story about the author and her wife. It was so vulnerable and raw that, honestly, it was hard to read (but in the best way?).
Profile Image for Kimberly.
86 reviews1 follower
March 16, 2025
Excellent heartfelt memoir with important notes on the big business of cancer in the USA. Told in small digestible bits of vignettes a bigger picture emerges. And it's not a pretty one...
Profile Image for Shari.
707 reviews13 followers
March 24, 2025
I've said this every time Ariel Gore releases a new book, but this is my absolute favorite. This one will linger for a long time. (I'm on a post-reading high and need to come back to this.)
Profile Image for Michelle.
15 reviews14 followers
July 5, 2025
Truly touching to see another couple navigate through the world of impossible impossibilities.
Profile Image for Jenna.
988 reviews81 followers
December 22, 2025
This book was very hard to read especially closer to the end. It was beautifully written.
Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews

Can't find what you're looking for?

Get help and learn more about the design.