Ladies and gentlemen, practice your gasps and cross your legs, for I present to you...Fangboy!
OK, just try to stick with me here: imagine someone snuck into the PIXAR (or DreamWorks, it doesn't matter) studios and managed to pump in a lot of gassificated hallucinogens into the air system which runs constantly because you simply can never allow your animators to become overheated. So much gas is pumped in in fact that the folks present began to imagine that they were the reincarnation of either (or both) Carlo Collodi and/or Lewis Carroll who had together set off on a massive bender. And during this time, they decided they wanted to come up with a story that would rival a time-travelling Dr. Seuss - their imaginary but well-defined rival who only wears green-striped pantaloons in this reality - and ultimately get them banned by the Pope himself. Sounds a bit silly now, doesn't it?
It's not such a bad life, once you lower your expectations.
Well, if NOT, then perhaps you are indeed ready to read Jeff Strand's "Fangboy: A Demented Fairy Tale For Adults". This is a story within a story within a bunch of stories and good gods if I have to continue I will indeed pull all my hair out. Or teeth if we're being more relevant to the situation. This is simply the wildest mix of - hang on, I'll use the genres listed by goodreads - horror (there is none), humor (meh), fantasy (and then some), um fiction you'll find anywhere. It vacillates (a word that for some reason I desperately want to spell with an "f") between some of Strand's more amusing and even silly works and something that just strikes me as a middle grade adventure that went terribly, terribly wrong along the way, forgetting completely that it should be consistently suitable for younger ages.
"Does he really have an urge to kill?"
"All children do these days."
Fangboy née Nathan Pepper is not a bad person by any stretch of the imagination, nor is he the horrible monster that people either accuse him of being or want him to portray for their own greedy purposes, despite one rather unfortunate biting episode (he makes it count!). He is simply a young man that is born with a mouthful of already exposed, long, and very pointed teeth that you must agree makes him somewhat unique ("I don't think I'll be breastfeeding him."). Alas, his life is very quickly filled with all manner of tragedy, most of it having nothing to do with his own efforts to live a free and happy life. Because at any opportunity he has for same, well, something rather awful happens even to the point that we all begin to wonder if he is in reality some sort of talisman that brings misfortune to anyone's life he touches. This is naturally just as ridiculous as the rest of the plot so ignore anything I'm saying just to be safe.
A boy without courage is like a bat without rabies.
The book seems to even bounce around in terms of actual time periods, beginning as one does in the present and then seemingly jumping back to a time when freakshows with bearded ladies and travelling by horse-drawn carriages was the norm. I kept wondering if the book was somehow supposed to mirror "Pinocchio" in some way (hence my earlier reference to Carlo Collodi - and I bet you didn't know his name either!) but I just never was able to make enough connections. Now I can't say for certain if this was or was not the case as I've only seen the Disney versions of this tale (which were not mentioned earlier as I suspect they are much more libelant than anyone has ever been) and Nathan definitely does not get swallowed by a whale, though he finds himself constantly in mortal danger ("Help! Help me, somebody! Anybody will do!"). Or at least as long as he's not frozen solid for eleven years! Still, you could argue that the final part of this book does have him becoming somewhat more "real" in that his physical appearance - the one and only true factor in which any human truly judges another - does take a turn towards the positive.
As far as I know, there are no insane people in the DMV. Let's hide there.
At the end of the day though, I am left with two very vague, almost "remembered through the haze of a bender" (see?) thoughts. First and foremost, as silly and utterly inane as it was, I needed this. I'm trying my best to get through a read-a-thon featuring evil or disturbed children (this is a weak addition, I'll admit, but I'm counting it gods be damned!) and my emotions are worn thin. Secondly, I have absolutely no idea what Jeff Strand was trying to accomplish by writing this (maybe "We want our audience to be reduced to blobs of boneless jelly wobbling in the breeze!"??). I do enjoy his books, particularly those where he so deftly combines a bit of horror AND humor in them (e.g. "Clowns vs. Spiders", "Mandibles", "Benjamin's Parasite" as well as his various contributions to different anthologies), but this one will leave me shaking my head for quite a while.
The market for freshly born infant noses is alive and well.
I guess that's why at the end of the day I'm leaving a wishy-washy rating to go with a well-worn, bottom of your mom's purse moistened towellette of a review for "Fangboy". If there was ever a book that needed a good Afterword clipped on to help walk us through the author's thought process (e.g. "sorry I was drunk and didn't mean to hit 'SEND'…") then it's this one. I mean, it's so unusual, I can't even recommend it to avid and diehard fans of Strand who might take up arms with other fans of Strand with slightly different opinions. Anyway, come for the weirdness, stay for the controversy, and what not. Me? I've got a severe urge to go brush my teeth and floss until my gums are spewing blood…