Mama: A Queer Black Woman's Story of a Family Lost and Found

by Nikkya Hargrove, Grace Porter (Narrator)

In this searing and uplifting memoir, a young Black queer woman fresh out of college adopts her baby brother after their incarcerated mother dies, determined to create the kind of family she never had.

Growing up, Nikkya Hargrove’s mother was in and out of prison. Hargrove, one of the 5 million children dealing with the effects of an incarcerated parent, spent a good portion of her childhood in prison visiting rooms. After her baby brother was born, Hargrove decided to fight for custody–even though she had only just graduated college.

We see how she is subjected to preconceived notions that she, a Black, queer, young woman, cannot handle the responsibility. She shares about the shame she feels accepting food stamps, her family’s reaction to her coming out, and the joy she experiences when she meets the woman who will become her wife. Whether she’s clashing with her brother's biological father or battling for Jonathan’s education rights after he’s diagnosed with ADHD and autism, this is a woman who won’t give up.

Hargrove’s memoir picks up where Bryan Stevenson’s Just Mercy left off, exploring generational trauma and pulling back the curtain on family court and poverty in America. Moving and inspiring, Mama is an ode to motherhood and identity, to never giving up, and to finding strength in family and community.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Queer, Biography Memoir, LGBT, Audiobook, Autobiography

6 pages, Audible Audio

First published October 15, 2024

Reviews

[Nursebookie · Rating 4 out of 5]

MAMA
By Nikkya Hargrove

This is a memoir about Nikkya Hargrove, and her very difficult with life journey as she spends her childhood as her mother is in prison. She narrates her life and journey in gaining custody for her stepbrother and caring for him through autism and ADHD. Through poverty and a myriad of life challenges, she has shown us to rise above adversity and find herself in the process. I am so inspired by Hargrove and a reason why I love reading memoirs.

[Rachael Morara · Rating 5 out of 5]

no no I’m not crying I just have dust in my eye….

[Miriam · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a beautiful, heartbreaking, raw, joyful story about motherhood, trauma, incarceration, substance abuse, neglect, and genuine love.

[S · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was amazing. I loved so many things about it. I felt as I was reading the pages that I was experiencing life’s ups and downs along with the characters. I literally didn’t want to put this book down because I was afraid that I would miss something. It really pulled at my heart ❤️.


Thank you to the author and NetGalley for gifting me this book in exchange for my honest review

[Janelle Peifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a wonderful, intimate portrait of the intricacies of motherhood. This in depth story brings the full emotional depth of motherhood to the foreground with such beautiful and vulnerability. I highly recommend it to all mothers, people who have mothers, and those who work with mothers.

[Mia · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Being a mother requires so much emotional, physical, and spiritual strength. It can be exhausting, but as parents—good parents—we make the decision to be better people. We choose to put our children ahead of our own dreams and desires, reassured by the belief that one day we will be able to hold both our dreams and parenthood in the same space.”

This beautiful and powerful memoir is a story of one Black queer mother and her resilience, faith and courage in facing all the challenges in store for her family. At a very young age, Nikkya became responsible for her own mom, who was also in and out of prison. While her mother was in jail, she became the temporary guardian for her own baby brother and eventually went on a journey to officially adopt him.

This was a very emotional story and I love the found family aspect of it. I love that Nikkya and Dinushka found each other and were there to support Jonathan no matter what. There were times that I felt angry and annoyed with their situation. I held my breathe while reading the pages on court hearings. I also celebrated with them during their happy moments. It was definitely quite a journey reading this one!

Overall, I highly recommend this book. Nikkya’s story was compelling from start to finish and very thankful for this author for sharing her story. ❤️

Thank you @algonquinbooks for gifting me a copy of Mama by Nikkya Hargrove.

[Jaylin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to Algonquin Books via NetGalley for providing me with an ARC of Mama by Nikkya Hargrove! I was captivated by this book from the start. The book’s exploration of motherhood, spirituality, and resilience was really refreshing and impactful. Nikkya’s queer journey and her experiences in a mixed-race, queer relationship resonated deeply with me and the portrayal of her wife and the handling of their cultural differences were beautifully done. I was especially touched by the depiction of Dinushka and the couple's determination to make their relationship work despite numerous challenges. I admired Nikkya's vulnerability in sharing her financial struggles and her difficulty in setting boundaries with her son's birth father. I also thought the larger discussion on Child Protective Services, the brokenness of that system, the challenges of finding affordable childcare, and the stigma associated with government assistance was particularly impactful. This story is one of resilience and unconditional love and will stay with me for a long time. I'm honored to have had the opportunity to read it. Thank you again!

[Andrea · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a memoir of a woman with strength. At an early age, Nikkya becomes the caregiver to her drug addicted mother who is in and out of jail throughout her childhood. Nikkya's mother dies shortly after giving birth to an addicted baby and Nikkya feels compelled to raise the child and do better by him than her mother did for her. Very complex dynamics along her journey! A woman who seems to have everything going against her finds love and strength in its many forms.

[brightredglow · Rating 4 out of 5]

Finished this book last week. An unexpected comfort read. Not overly sentimental, writer has a very engaging style. Heartwarming but not treacly. It just hit the right spots for me. Very glad I had the privilege to read this book.

[Andrea (looseleftlesbian) · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful story of family, queer love and hope. Thank you Netgalley for allowing me to read this ARC. But more importantly, thank you to Nikkya Hargrove for sharing your story with the world.

[Jeanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

A wonderful uplifting biography. I listened to the audiobook. The narrator had the most beautiful calming voice. It was such a pleasant experience.

[Lauren Kiss · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful memoir about a true legacy of love. Nikkya, these words are just gorgeous.

[Carolina Familia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Your mom is in and out of prison and you grow up being raised by your aunt and grand parents. Despite your circumstances, you mange to graduate college. Then your mom comes out of prison, addicted to cocaine and gives birth to a son. When she passes away, she leaves behind her infant son. He will either be put into the system or raised by his eldest great grandparents. You decide to take a chance and raise your brother on your own, in order to give him a chance of having a stable home and growing up with a mother.

This is the memoir of Nikkya Hargrove, a beautiful and emotional story, reflecting on her relationship with her mother and her own children. A realistic and authentic story, I was hooked from the beginning and got through this book quickly.

Thanks to Algonquin Books and Netgalley for this ARC.

#mama #nikkyahargrove

[Rose Chandler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you to the author and NetGalley for the ARC that I read.

This was a wonderful and hopeful book. I’m inspired by the faith, the love, the queerness and the family. It was lovely and I absolutely recommend! I will be telling my friends about it :)

[Jorden · Rating 5 out of 5]

I NEED more books like this one!!!! More radical hope stories !! More stories about finding love, standing in love regardless of trauma, and working for love !!

This was such an honest narrative, and it was done so gently. I'm grateful to the author for sharing her life so openly to the world. This took me on a rollercoaster of emotions. And I finished feeling hopeful for my own life, optimistic for others, and proud of the author even. Her life is a testimony to what leading with love looks like. I feel so empowered after this story. So inspired. Ugh wow

Anything is possible with love.

[Joanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was very moved by Mama. I loved reading about each person in Nikkya’s life and how each unique expression of love built Nikkya into the mother she is today. This book helped me consider what love is, what it means to truly show up for family, and the range of gifts we can share with those closest to us.

[Trish M · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautiful story of strength and love and the power of perseverance.

[Gabby · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really touching read that was always hard to put down. I loved learning about Nikkya's story and the family she was able to build. This was a really great audiobook experience as well!

[Ana W · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a memoir written by a young, queer, Black woman who commits to raising her infant brother when she is in her early 20. Her mother who was in and out of jail and drug addicted couldn't care for her baby, so Nikkya stepped up with intention and determination to provide him with the stability she never experienced. Told in a conversational tone, this memoir pulled me in and had me rooting for Nikkya pretty much from page one. Thank you to NetGalley for an advanced copy in return for my honest opinion.

[Ailey | Bisexual Bookshelf · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to the publisher for the gifted ARC! This is out in the US from Algonquin Books now.

In Mama: A Queer Black Woman's Story of a Family Lost and Found, Nikkya Hargrove presents a compelling memoir that is both deeply personal and powerfully resonant. She courageously recounts her journey of gaining custody of and raising her half-brother, Jonathan, due to their mother’s substance abuse and eventual death, illustrating her struggle to create a safe, loving family despite the traumas that shadowed her own upbringing. Hargrove’s writing is steeped in raw honesty and a reflective depth that captures the complexities of intergenerational trauma and the harsh realities faced by families impacted by substance abuse, incarceration, and societal biases.

A central theme of Mama is the devastating ripple effect of addiction and trauma within families, especially when addiction forms as a means of coping with insecure attachments or unhealed wounds. Hargrove thoughtfully exposes how her mother’s own experiences with abuse and incarceration contributed to cycles of pain that threatened to extend to Jonathan, a cycle Hargrove fights to break by stepping into a parental role. She also examines the painful limitations of the American carceral system, revealing how it dehumanizes and harms both the incarcerated and their loved ones on the outside. Through prison visits and the lens of family court, Hargrove critiques policies that prioritize biological reunification over a child’s wellbeing, challenging a state process that, though intended to support, often inflicts further damage.

Hargrove’s memoir is also a tender exploration of her queer identity, her journey to find belonging, and the added layers of complexity in being a queer, Black mother navigating social stigma. Her relationship with Dinushka, her future wife, brings a sense of hope and healing as they create a supportive, multicultural family unit. Yet, as Hargrove faces societal scrutiny and battles for Jonathan’s custody against an absent yet persistent father, she sheds light on the obstacles placed before Black mothers and welfare recipients. Her narrative offers an unfiltered view into the stigmatization around race and class, revealing the judgments that weigh on self-worth and the courage it takes to defy them.

Ultimately, Mama is a testament to the resilience found in chosen family and the transformative power of love and community. Hargrove’s story invites readers to witness her journey of healing and, through her introspective and powerful prose, find inspiration in her fight to forge a family built on strength, compassion, and unwavering commitment.

📖 Recommended For: Readers who value raw and reflective storytelling, those interested in narratives on intergenerational trauma and resilience, fans of memoirs centered on Black motherhood and queer identity, and readers of Saeed Jones and Cole Arthur Riley.

🔑 Key Themes: Generational Trauma, Addiction and Recovery, Queer Identity and Belonging, Systemic Bias and Injustice, Family and Resilience.

Content / Trigger Warnings: Drug Abuse (moderate), Alcoholism (minor), Death (severe), Child Abuse (minor), Physical Abuse (minor), Domestic Abuse (minor), Medical Content (minor), Drug Use (minor), Death of Parent (severe), Homophobia (minor).

[Chloe Brasier · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed this refreshingly real story of a family formed almost overnight. I appreciated the honesty surrounding anger in parenting and working to each parents strengths for the betterment of the family unit. Great book!

[Jonesy.Reads · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nikkya Hargrove's memoir explores generational trauma and shines a light on family court and poverty in America. It is about giving your all for your family and fighting for their rights. As a queer Black woman she deals with some major injustices in family court while fighting for custody of her baby brother. Then again when he is diagnosed with ADHD she must fight the education system to get him the help he deserves. It is a story of hope and perseverance. It's not an easy read learning about their struggles, but it grabbed my full attention as I finished it in a single day.

[Kimberly Tierney · Rating 4 out of 5]

When her mother had another child who needed emergency family placement, Nikkya knew that she needed to be that safe haven for her newborn brother Jonathan. She also knew that it was time to break the cycle of her mother’s parenting (or lack thereof) by becoming Jonathan’s permanent legal guardian. That is a heavy decision for a woman in her early 20s to make, but Nikkya knew it was the only way to give her brother a safe and stable life.
This is a powerful memoir about overcoming all of the obstacles thrown at you. Hargrove doesn’t hold back anything while telling her story. She is real and raw with her story and the emotional rollercoaster that came with everything she went through.

[Bookworm · Rating 3 out of 5]

I forgot how I found this book, I was very interested in reading up on Hargrove’s experiences. Issues such as adoption, family separation, foster care, etc. can all be extremely contentious and heart-rendering issues and unfortunately this hasn't changed. I was curious to read what it was like for Hargove to break the cycle and find her own family all on her own.

Hargove describes her life with a mother who is constantly in and out of prison. She grows up observing her mother in and out of prison, raised by extended family and others. Eventually her mother gives birth to Hargove's half-brother, Jonathan, and the book is mostly about her path to becoming a mother and eventually building her family.

Hargove talks about navigating growing up, becoming an adult, being in and out of various relationships and how that affects being a mother to Jonathan. Some of her partners are understandably overwhelmed and/or uninterested in being a parent. Others don't work out. But being Black and queer also adds to Hargove's roadblocks and difficulties in eventually adopting to Jonathan.

Of course, we see what it is like to be a parent to Jonathan, who is also diagnosed with ADHD. Hargove and her partner must also deal with Jonathan's biological father, Karl, who is favored for being the biological parent (and a man?) but is clearly uninterested in being an actual parent in the fullest sense (and heck, even in the barest sense where it is strongly implied Jonathan goes without food/starves during his overnight visits with his father.

Happily, this story ends on a positive note with Hargove talking about her family, including Jonathan, who she eventually succeeds in adopting when Karl gives up his parental rights. Sometimes these stories do not end positively and/or the negative stories are the ones that get the attention, etc. I was happy to see that Hargove breaks a cycle, even if it means the sad realization that her mother is someone who will likely never be able to be an adequate parent.

In the end I would say this was fairly skimmable but not the most interesting read. I was not all that interested in the ins and outs of her relationships unless it was about how it affected Jonathan. Sometimes it felt very surface-level, but I do respect that Hargove does have a family whose privacy she is respecting, and (for example) Jonathan isn't the one telling this particular story.

I am glad to have read it, though, and wish the family well. Be aware that there may be a lot of triggers for people, including incarceration, family separation, adoption, homophobia, racism, child abuse (maybe, hard to know if Hargove was deliberately withholding details for privacy or if it's genuinely unclear, etc.) family courts, etc.

Borrowed from the library and that was best for me.

[Bookreporter.com Biography & Memoir · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nikkya Hargrove presents a bold, frank chronicle of a harsh upbringing, a willingness to love and be loved, and the ways in which her aspirations overcome what at times seemed like impossible barriers --- race and gender issues among them --- to adopt her younger brother and create a secure home with her beloved wife.

Hargrove’s mother, Lisa, was a neglectful, drug-addicted, often incarcerated parent who gave her daughter the soubriquet “Mama” --- not knowing what truth lay in that choice. MAMA begins with the birth of Hargrove’s brother, Jonathan, whose entry into life was threatened by Lisa’s ingestion, two nights before his birth, of a combination of crack cocaine and other substances she couldn’t recall. Jonathan would become the responsibility of his 14-year-old sister. His father, Karl, cheated on his partner to have sex with Lisa.

Such strands in Hargrove’s familial relationships were to some extent ameliorated by her undeniable intelligence, obtaining financial support to attend and graduate from Bard College, and meeting other females who would help her to explore her sexual longings. While in college, it became clear that Jonathan must be adopted, and Hargrove put that process in motion. She had to engage in conflict with Karl, whose scurrilous intentions and actions were somehow overridden by authorities, such as Child Protective Services, because of his proven paternity. She eventually won custody but would need to cooperate with Karl for scheduled visits with his biological son.

Meanwhile, Hargrove was experiencing housing and career shifts, battling poverty, and bonding with a Sri Lankan immigrant, Dinushka. Though their relationship had its trying moments, they would marry and become Jonathan’s legal parents.

Hargrove, now a noted writer of nonfiction who serves on the board of Bard College, offers a saga that will resonate on many levels. Calling herself a Black queer, she vividly recalls the tough trail she had to tread to get beyond multiple varieties of bias, along with the surprising, poignant instances of total acceptance. She depicts her encounters with Dinushka honestly, as situation-based without a tinge of doubt as to what she most wanted. The same is true of her love and sense of protection for Jonathan, who would need extensive mental and physical care, and is now in an atmosphere that she has designated as “a home full of love.”

Hargrove’s dynamic perspective has brought her story to a satisfying dimension that will please her readers, just as it pleases her diligently, determinedly created family.

Reviewed by Barbara Bamberger Scott

[Stella · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this story. It was inspiring, emotional, and at times heartbreaking. I was completely intrigued by the way Nikkya Hargrove shared her journey, the struggles with having a mom who battled addiction, being in and out of jail, and growing up with an absentee father. The storytelling felt so real, and at some points, it even read like poetry.

It was sad to read about the pain of her childhood, but at the same time, it was incredibly powerful to see her resilience shine through. Instead of repeating the same cycle her mom went through, she chose to carve a new and positive path for herself. I especially loved how she found peace in the end with a good partner, with motherhood, and with love for herself. That balance was beautiful to witness.

What really struck me is how raw and honest this story is. Nikkya doesn’t shy away from the difficult parts, yet she turns her pain into something hopeful and inspiring. I admire her strength so much, there were so many times I thought, “Wow, that’s a lot to go through,” and yet she kept moving forward.

The only thing I wished for was more insight into what happened with her siblings and her father, because I found myself wanting to know more about them. But overall, this is a heartfelt, beautifully written story that I would absolutely recommend to anyone.

[Zibby Owens · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a moving and heartfelt memoir about a young Black queer woman named Mama, who is 24 and just out of college. Following the death of her incarcerated mother, Mama decides to adopt her youngest sibling, Jonathan, worried that he might be placed into the foster care system. Determined to create the kind of family she never had, she shares her experiences raising Jonathan while struggling to balance her aspirations with the heavy responsibility of caring for him. The book explores themes of generational struggles, complex family dynamics, societal judgment, resilience, self-discovery, and finding one’s voice.

This narrative is more than just a story about being queer or Black; it is a love story that highlights personal resilience, determination, and strength. The structure is non-linear, moving back and forth in time to depict Mama as both a mother and in a relationship. Overall, the story is uplifting but also sheds light on complex issues such as incarceration, poverty, generational trauma, the foster care system, and adoption - issues many families encounter.

To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://zibbymedia.com/blogs/transcri...

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

A short but deep and affecting memoir. Nikkya grew up mostly with her grandparents, as her mom was in and out of drug addiction and jail. She was just a few years out of college when her mom gave birth again after smoking crack, and child protective services are going to take the baby away - until Nikkya steps in to be the guardian of her much younger half-brother. The book focuses primarily on the few years after this (along with flashbacks to her earlier life), as Nikkya works hard to figure out how to take on this new responsibility, and also whether she can find love as a young queer black woman with such big responsibilities and the trauma from her past.

I haven’t seen much attention for this book, so I highly recommend this one. Reading/listening to stories of people with experiences different from our own is so important for building empathy and understanding. And this was just such an emotional book, often sad but hopeful as well.

Thanks to Netgalley and the publisher for my copy; all opinions are my own.

[Melissa Stordahl · Rating 5 out of 5]

MAMA is such a raw, powerful, and hopeful story of one woman's triumph over the adversity of an absent father and an addicted, incarcerated mother. I could not put it down; I was in a rush of hoping to reach the happier parts of her story.

Nikkya recounts vivid details of visiting her mother in prison, all the rules she knew must be followed. She tells of making the choice to raise her newborn little brother Johnathan even though she had just graduated from college. We learn about her struggles finding a path as young black queer woman yearning for acceptance and love.

I finished this story feeling so proud of a woman I don't even know, for not just surviving but thriving. She didn't just find love, she created it all around her and made a safe space for her family.

Thank you so much to Algonquin and NetGalley for this ARC to review!

[Michelle Glogovac · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nikkya allows the reader an inside look into what it's like to be a child impacted by a parent who is not only incarcerated but also suffering from a drug addiction. She's takes us on her journey of wanting a better life for her brother while also striving to ensure her life is also better. A story of sacrifice, love and what building your family looks like.

I really enjoyed listening to Nikkya's perspective and story and feeling her perseverance. Stories like Nikkya's help build empathy and offer readers insight into experiences they might not otherwise have. I'm grateful Nikkya shared her story with all of us.