Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years

by Jim Fay, Charles Fay

Parenting little ones can be exhausting...until you discover Love and Logic . Take the exhaustion out and put the fun into parenting your little one. If you want help
and many other everyday challenges, then this book is for you! This book is the tool parents of little ones have been waiting for. America's Parenting Experts Jim and Charles Fay, Ph.D., help you start your child off on the right foot. The tools in Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood will give you the building blocks you need to create children who grow up to be responsible, successful teens and adults. And as a bonus you will enjoy every stage of your child's life and look forward to sharing a lifetime of joy with them.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Family, Education, Childrens, Adult

174 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2000

Reviews

[Sonya · Rating 2 out of 5]

Wow.... Okay, so there are a couple (I mean literally two) of key points that work for my parenting style. However, there are some big red flags that come up for me personally. I know this is a popular method with many people so will keep my opinions close this time. Happy to talk individually w/ anyone about it though.
**Sorry, had to add a note after reading the reviews and some
great information on Psychology Today's website / magazine. I feel that I took a bit of a cowardly exit by keeping my opinion to myself.

The red flags I mention above speak to the act of demeaning a person (a child in this case) by making fun or light of their feelings/outbursts in order to "corral and reign in" the tantrum. The issue is related to creating dangerous
passive-aggressive and co-dependent behaviors by asking the child "how they plan to replace the parents energy that was sapped from dealing with a tantrum."
The idea of not positively reinforcing a tantrum as the book suggests is correct in my opinion.
It is the tools and words that they suggest parents use that are highly dangerous to a small child's developing personality.
Lastly, the steps suggested for "delivering consequences" are to load on empathetic statements and loving words on one hand while dishing a punishment on the other.
This teaches children the concept of displaced anger and that words & actions do NOT need to align. This is the hallmark of most adult abusive relationships. ("I hurt you because I love you...")

Most child psychologists recommend allowing natural consequences to happen based on the child's actions (as per the book.) However, children need to trust that their parents words and actions are speaking to the same emotion.
In my humble opinion, helping children learn how to correctly identify emotions and feelings as they occur is perhaps the most valuable piece to parenting. We need to strive to mirror that ability in our daily lives as we identify our own emotions and work through them mindfully. There isn't better or more long-term lesson we could offer them.

[Shelley · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has a lot of great ideas. I think the technique is pretty good, and they write it in an easy-to-use way. However, it was so obnoxious to read that I could barely stomach the first half of the book. After that I got over the annoyance and just gleaned the good techniques. The Fays seem to be high on their own theory. They even make comments such as "Is it possible that there would be no such thing as the United States of America if King George had known about Love and Logic?" Barf! The other thing this book is missing is more focus on encouraging and reinforcing positive behavior. Almost all of it was directed toward disciplining negative behavior, which of course is the more unpleasant (and generally tricky) part of child rearing. I'm glad I read it. I do think I can benefit from many of the techniques, but like I said, the Fays were a huge turn off.

[Elise · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not even done yet, but it's life-changing. I really love this book. Take it with a grain of salt and some prayer (like any parenting advice), but for quite a while I feel like I've been running into a brick wall with my parenting - it's not quite what I want (I get angry and frustrated way to easily and just plain don't like who I become in those moments), but I had no exact strategy to change my parenting/discipline techniques, so always ended up back in the same boat.
Enter this book, and my sanity. :) I feel like I now have something to work with. I'm still not perfect, but I'm headed in a much better direction, towards Happy Mama, instead of Angry Mama. It also seems to me to fit with how God parents us - love and empathy, but direct consequences. Not a lot of time spent in lectures, but we still learn just the same. Elder Christofferson said "The root of the word discipline is shared by the word disciple" (Moral Discipline, Oct. 2009). It really struck me that I don't often feel much like a disciple of Christ when I'm disciplining my 3 yr old. It is easier to me to feel like I am doing good, like I am trying to be a disciple of Christ, using these techniques of discipline.
Overall just makes me feel like a better person inside and a better parent. Happy day!

[Franziska · Rating 2 out of 5]

What I liked about this book:
- its clear outline and need for enforcable statements and rules, and the need to set limits and boundaries for your child
- its emphasis on staying calm, being positive and loving, even in a difficult situation
- its emphasis on teaching consequences and helping your kids learn to think
- suggesting to give lots of choices and sharing power/control where you can

What I didn't like:
- pretty much everything else. I particularly hated the tone of the Authors. They sounded really arrogant and full of themselves, particularly when I felt that none of their ideas were very original to me.
- I disliked their discouraging warnings. I realize that they want to help you to make sure that what you say to a child means something, and doesn't become a bunch of empty threats and warnings. However, I think in order to teach a child to learn to control his feelings better, warnings are necessary. It's good to tell your child where they're at emotionally, because they are still to young often to realize themselves. You could say 'Sweetie, you're getting really upset right now. Remember what happens when we get mad and start yelling? Please calm down or I have to X...'. I felt they were just trying to push for actions whenever your child misbehaved without trying to help parents teach their children not even get to the bad behavior (other than teaching to surpress the bad behavior with immediate discipline). Hated that.
- I really disliked, and was even concerned about some of their suggestions for discipline. They gave one example of a mother feeding her 10-months old kid. The kid first likes the food, then gets crankier and crankier and eventually spits out the food. Their suggestion: take the kid, and put it in the crib. Huh??? I mean seriously! This baby is 10 months old. Apparently the mother didn't get the hint that the kid is done (getting cranky about the food) and kept going until the kid drew a line and spit out its food. I mean, if it can't communicate any other way, what do you expect??? And then go punish a little baby? That's crazy, particularly in the area of food. They had a similar example somewhere in there that I thought was also just as bad advice.
I'm all for discipline, but only when there's clear communication and understanding, and not when I'm too stupid to understand my child.
- I am not sure about some of their disciplining methods/suggestions like the 'energy drain'. First of all, I don't want certain chores in the house to become my classic punishments and thus something they hate and dread. Also, I want my kids to learn natural consequences wherever possible. And mostly, I don't want my kids to feel that their choices (good or bad) or their mere existance is hard and draining to me. Of course, it is at times. But, I think for little kids that's a bad message to send out. They need to feel safe no matter what. I'd rather have them learn how their actions hurt themselves rather than their mom or dad, unless of course they do something that in fact is hurting someone else (hitting, stealing, biting, name calling etc.)

Bottom line: The book had some good suggestions, but all in all I wasn't a big fan. I don't think it had a lot in there that was original or new to me, and definitely nothing in there that warrants the arrogant tone of the authors.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great parenting book! I agree with a lot of what they advocate. A few things I gleaned from it:
-Replace anger and frustration with empathy.
-Replace threats and warnings with simple actions (stop talking the talk so much and just walk the walk).
-Set limits you can enforce.
-Give away the control you don't need (give your kids lots of opportunities to choose).
-Point out your kids' interests that you notice, and resist the urge to follow it up with "That's great!". Let them have their interests without you having to approve of their interests.
-Allow your kids to struggle and solve their own problems.
-When kids make a poor decision, give them empathy and follow through the consequences so their decision, not you, is the bad guy.
-Every child worth keeping is going to experiment with misbehavior!
-Use enforceable statements (not "Hurry up" but "The car leaves in 5 minutes").
-It's okay to delay consequences to give yourself time to think of an appropriate one.
-Don't argue with your kids. Say, "I love you too much to argue."
-Give your kids chores!

[Meg Sherman · Rating 5 out of 5]

That's right! Another book that receives a rare 5-star rating from Meg! If you have children, or if you work with children, or if you've heard of children before, do yourself a favor and read this book NOW. All the Love & Logic books are amazing, but this one is packed with concrete examples and conversations with young kids... instead of just a bunch of theoretical mumbo-jumbo. I'm terrified to think how much worse a parent I would be if I hadn't read it.

[Danielle · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ideas from this book I liked: 1. Let the consequence for your chid's actions be the (primary) teacher (that is, don't lecture, just act). 2. Always discipline with empathy. 3. Don't let your child see your anger or frustration when they misbehave. If you lose control it tells your child they're unmanageable, which makes them feel insecure. 4. Encourage your child to think through problems and find solutions for themselves. 5. Hand over any control you don't absolutely need to your child, so that when you do need it, you can use it. 6. Use enforceable statements. Instead of saying "Pick up your toys" (which you can't really enforce) you say "Feel free to pick up any of the toys you want to keep." Then you have to see it through.
Things I didn't like: 1. Fay instructs parents to not say ANYTHING about the consequences of your child's bad decisions. He contends that when you tell your child why something happened, they tune you out and don't learn. If you don't say anything, they think it through for themselves. I don't buy this. I'm a fan of warning of consequences before they happen (one time, not indefinitely) and of briefly imparting the lesson to be learned after they happen. 2. Fay loves the idea that the "empathetic" phrase "This is so sad" can reduce a child to tears knowing that a punishment is on the way. I don't consider that empathy. 3. Many of the "good" examples in this book, where parents were using their Love and Logic training really creeped me out. If I witnessed a similar scene, I would be scared of that parent. It's almost like a sadistic power trip, dangling these choices and consequences in front of your child as you encourage them to think for themselves. I agree that children should be taught to think through cause and effect, but the tone of this book was just...yeah, creepy.
Over the last couple of weeks, I tried the directions in this book. My previous parenting style was similar, if a little more lenient. I did not notice a change in behavior. In both cases my son (going on three years old) was relatively obedient, reacted quickly to threats, and was suitably contrite after being punished (with time out). I didn't notice any change in his response to me when I was super empathetic, as this book recommends, or more matter of fact, which is how I was doing it. So, I'm not going to adopt this parenting style wholesale, but I did pick up a few good ideas that I'll continue to implement.

[Al · Rating 2 out of 5]

Love and Logic have been offering parental advice for awhile now (since the 70s) They likely are the people most responsible for creating the idea of a 'time out'. They are without a doubt the people who coined the term 'helicopter parent'. They advertise that they are the parental teaching system Bill Gates uses for his kids (I don't care what Bill Gates does. I want to know what his parents did, right?).

Like Dave Ramsey, I feel obligated to mention that they are faith-based. That doesn't necessarily mean it doesn't work, but for some reason, it seems obligatory that I comment on this.

For sure, there are some things I don't mind. The cute cartoon on the cover, the easy-to-read bullet points, the constant market branding. That said, there are some things that won't go over well with some people.

For starters, although I don't think the book is preachy, the approach it takes is judgemental. For example, the anecdotes spread throughout include the parent who wishes she had used L&L since both her daughters died in a car crash.

Whoa. That's heavy handed.

Then there's the casual observation that kids who don't do chores are more likely to join a gang or a cult.

I don't buy the premise that L&L kids are so superior, for example....

Typical Non-L&L 5 year old "Waaa..Waaa.. I want! I want!"

Typical L&L 5 year old "While we generally attribute the start of World War One to the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand, there were other causes..."

Ok, a bit hyperbolic but they do overstate how responsible and responsive L&L kids are. They do this to the extent that it’s kind of hard to take them very seriously.

The book generously offers that L&L is such a fun thing for a parent to use that parents will look forward to their children misbehaving. The only problem though is that L&L kids are so well-behaved, their parent never get a chance to use discipline. (This isn't an example of my hyperbole, this time. They actually say this in so many words).

All said, I do like the core of the program which is to love your kid and treat them like little adults by using logic. Give them (pre-approved) decisions, give them freedom, and see what results. They can learn and grow through choices and seeing the outcomes. The book in typical heavy-handed style suggests maybe you let them pick their bedtime and be groggy the next day, or no joke, let them get lost in a grocery store (with someone keeping an eye on them) and then panic when they can't find their parents anywhere.

For the casual reader, this really seems like a lot of passive aggressive parenting (if they throw a fit, mock them. If you can't think of a punishment, delay it and make them wait it out), and they backed that A-side with a B-side that you should tell your kid that you love them while you are beating.. er disciplining them, which makes it seem like they are going to grow up ending like Ike and Tina.

Having read the book, I do think the authors are giving examples and they do want you to do the right thing (besides, single parents, whose kids of course, they basically say have no hope). Scanning the book (which most people would do) will give you the takeaways I gave you, but it is actually a fairly smart system. (Also, it's confusing how they suggest you do everything possible to satisfy a toddler's desire, though once they are three- it's time for some Ayn Rand style individualism. This seems counter-intuitive to me, but well, okay..)

That said, I do trust their program. There is probably a lot out of this book that I will use, and to be sure, there are aspects in here that would compliment and fill some of my weak areas. (Although I think having discussions with children as they grow might have some beneficial effects, as opposed to just dropping them off by themselves downtown and wishing them luck.)

Parental books, like investing books, like anything; is going to have supporters and detractors. This book's style only goes to make it simple to embrace that much more, or cause someone to ridicule for it a few paragraphs on a review website. I am not lying when I say I think it is a well-thought out program and there is stuff in it I will use. That said, parenting may not be an exact science, and this book isn't one to go for science anyway.; so what’s to make of this- is it better or worse? So I will simply say with some certainty, that of all the parenting styles in the world, that this is certainly one of them.

[Molly · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was picked for my daughter's Montessori school book club of parents and teachers; fortunately, the lead teacher wasn't enamored with this book either.

My first issue is the barrier--the first hoop, the first swoon or sorrow--I will always have with a book: the writing style. And in this case, it's miserable. There's a weird, used-car salesman grin behind every sentence, and most of the points the authors raise come with a completely asinine scenario with unrealistic conclusions. "And then they all lived happily ever after" kind of stuff (because they used our formula...)

Here's what I'm on board with: sending great gobs of love in the direction of our children and maintaining calm. I like the idea of putting power into their hands in appropriate moments--and true, as much as possible.

I had pointed out at the book club that I didn't understand in the example where the child was making a mess in the grocery store, how the parent could walk away, what kind of message that would send, and the teacher pointed out that some kiddos like the attention. Oh yeah. For someone like my daughter, walking away would send an abandonment message. She's the sort who loves to be around people for the company, as opposed to the attention.

I'm truly not on board with the hard luck kind of parenting (am I getting the cliche right? probably not)--there's an example where a father observes his son fall from a slippery rock into water. Yes, kids need to learn their own lessons and need to anticipate consequences, but really? We can't warn our kids that maybe that rock is slippery? Isn't this the time for us to teach them how to observe? Granted, my oldest is only three, and I do let her learn things for herself, but--

I resist the idea, also, of punishing or saying, "How sad. Go to bed." No discussion of what went wrong, just, "You messed up, see ya" kind of attitude. I know discussing something in the midst of a tantrum just isn't going to happen, but this "You need to read my mind" attitude frightens me a little. It's sending some strange message--I prefer the idea of being straightforward. "How sad" YES to empathy! "You can't do X, so let's go have some quiet time." Just slip a little extra in.

I think, if I'm in a jam, I find the books I've read on positive discipline a bit stronger. We'll see how things pan out with my two littles--one never knows what one might need in that parenting toolbox.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

aside from the overly and ridiculously (at least to me with MY kids) unrealistic examples of love and logic at work with young kids, i actually thought the basic principles of love and logic make a lot of sense. i especially liked the idea that actions speak louder than words -- you don't need to give a million warnings, just one and then act on the consequence. i also appreciated the concept that you don't need to act in anger or frustration, but just put the kid in their room for as long as it takes until they can calm down and be reasonable. and then rather than lecturing or fussing or moralizing, simply expressing love to them. i was surprised at how well this worked when trying it with my rather spirited children. this principle in particular seems very gospel oriented -- you know "reproving betimes with sharpness when moved upon by the holy ghost and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love towards him whom thou hast reproved lest he esteem thee to be thy enemy."

anyway, like i said. i thought the stories given were ridiculous, but the principles are worth trying out. i'd give this closer to 3 1/2 or 3 3/4 stars.

[Seiji · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall, Love and Logic (L&L) provides some insightful foundational principles for parenting little children as well as several helpful practical applications. However, I think it could define the limits of these principles more clearly.

My wife and I developed a few criteria for identifying good parenting advice.
- Credibility: Is this parenting advice coming from a reliable source?
- Feasibility: Can I reasonably and consistently implement this parenting advice given our situation?
- Values alignment: Is this parenting advice consistent with our values?
- Goal-oriented: Is this parenting advice directed towards a goal that we have for our child? In this case, our general goal would be raising a child who both recognizes parental authority but also possesses an age-appropriate sense of independence.
- Effectiveness: Is this parenting advice effective in accomplishing our goals?

L&L is based on four principles: building the self-concept, sharing the control, offering empathy then consequences, and sharing the thinking.

Three of the four principles (1, 2, and 4) are rooted in developing a children’s sense of independence. By not doing everything or deciding everything, children learn to think for themselves and solve their own problems. Children need to believe that they can overcome challenges and solve problems on their own. This better equips them for when they are adults and have had practice in decision-making.

I like a lot of the specific strategies they recommend in service of these four principles. They include giving children lots of choices in which either outcome doesn’t bother us (and only choosing for them if they can’t make up their minds quickly) and inviting them to problem solve themselves rather than telling them how to fix a problem they face (such as by asking them “what do you think you can do?” and giving them suggestions if they can’t come to a reasonable solution).
One application of these principles is in allowing children to feel natural consequences for their actions. There was an example of a parent giving a child the choice to either wear her coat or hold her coat on a winter day. The child chose to hold her coat and subsequently felt the consequence of being cold. When the child complained about it, the parent asked the child “what can you do about this?” in which case the child realized she could wear the coat. In this example, the child made a poor decision, and the parent allowed her to experience the outcomes that followed then nudged her into the correct decision. That's sharing the thinking. Enabling them to learn independence means not always shielding them from natural consequences even though as a parent you may want to do that. This is a good way for children to learn that their actions sit within a chain of cause-and-effect and how to consider those effects as they make choices.

But this approach is also not unfettered permissiveness either. L&L tells parents to set clear limits once without continuous warning and reminder and just stick with them. In fact, giving a number of choices to children in matters that aren’t important to the parent may make it easier for a parent to exert authority when it matters to them. In one story, a parent allowed the child to make a number of choices at a park. When it was time to leave, the parent gave instruction without providing a choice and pointed out that the child already made a number of choices, and now it was time for the parent to make a choice.

This is important because parents have to balance the fact that their children need to learn how to think through decisions on their own but that they also need to respect parental authority. Children require guidance from their parents. It is the role of the parent to have authority over the child, and that is what children need to grow.

However, being acquainted with some level of independence at a young age is critical because there will be a time when age will force them into independence whether they are prepared or not. At a young age, you can give them decisions because the costs of poor decisions are mild. If they don’t have experience with independence by the time they are teenagers, they may not develop the skill in decision-making. Worst case scenario is they are drawn into foolish or risky lifestyles.

Parental authority comes in the form of imposing consequences. When a child does not do that which they are told to do such as picking up toys, L&L says to impose the consequence without lecture. It is important for children to understand the rules of the household, but that’s different than turning any form of disobedience into a lecture. I doubt children learn much from those. Instead, L&L recommends enforcing the rules without much verbal fanfare. Perhaps there may be a time for a lecture or some sort of extended explanation when it comes to teenagers, but this book is about younger kids.

Not imposing commands that you can’t really enforce seems reasonable to me. I think the language of “feel free to put away your toys,” as the book recommends, is too deferential, but removing toys or giving chores as a form of consequence to pay back the rule infraction is a useful tip. In fact, they even recommend framing chores as a "payment." Nothing particularly groundbreaking there, but it is something that we will implement. We want to have a list of chores that can be meted out as consequences. Another form of consequence would be simply to not deliver something that they want if they failed to do what they were told to do or behave in an appropriate manner. For example, if a child does not clean up his play area before going to the park, we can say “we only take you when you have cleaned up your area.” That's not a direct command that you can't enforce so it gives the child some independence, but the independence they are afforded (cleaning up their area or not) is connected to some desirable outcome.

There are limitations to the book’s philosophy that the book doesn’t always clearly describe. Natural consequences need limits because children need to be able to trust parents. They talk about this with the trust cycle, but if a child doesn’t feel protected from consequences to some extent, they may not feel like their parents are looking out for them. There are two extremes to avoid. There is the helicopter parent who prevents their children from ever failing or struggling. As a result, this child doesn’t develop coping skills. Then there is the negligent parent who may not keep their children safe. There are some limits described in the book, but I think they could be developed more clearly.

I think even empathy needs some limits as well. I think children need to understand when things are serious. L&L teaches that parents should prioritize empathy to show they care about the child and have a positive attitude to show that their children are easy to handle (which boosts their self-image because they don’t feel as though they are a big burden to their parents). However, I think there could be an issue when there is a fundamental mismatch between the seriousness of the offense of the child and the disposition of the parent. That’s confusing to the child. When there is a serious incident of rebellion, I think the parent should not pretend that there is not an issue. The parent doesn’t want to risk the child interpreting this as a kind of approval. On the other hand, the parent shouldn’t express too much anger because you don’t want the child to be reacting to the emotion more than the actual parenting strategy. In such a situation, the child may feel as though they can control the parent’s emotion through their actions, potentially leading to a battle for control.

Some of the examples are also just outdated, and as a result are not appropriate in today’s culture. For example, allowing your toddler to wander in the grocery store is just not something you can do today even if you are keeping an eye on them from a distance. That may have been acceptable parenting in another time or another culture (in Japan, young kids frequently do things all by themselves like riding the subway), but we now live in a low-trust society. We don’t look at the external world as a safe place for a young child to be without parental oversight. It may even be empirically true that much of our local area is safe enough for children to roam around without supervision, but our cultural context strongly discourages that so this type of example fails the feasibility criterion.

[Brette · Rating 2 out of 5]

The central idea of this parenting book (and the Love and Logic system) is a good one: instead of solving all their problems, let your children learn from natural consequences, helping them develop logic on their own. For example, if Bear throws food at dinner, dinner should be over, and I should let him go hungry for a little while. Good plan. I just don't think it necessarily works for every single scenario, especially through toddlerhood. I don't think he's ready for adult-like logic, especially when he's hysterical about something. Also, in this book, I felt more like the authors were selling their parenting system, rather than addressing specific problems. Some of the examples were a little extreme and kind of brutal (e.g., Love and Logic parent's child graduates top of his class and loves to do chores and spend time with family, versus non-L&L child, who ends up in jail). Also, I don't really agree with their advice that L&L parents encourage children to make mistakes, so they can learn now instead of when they're teenagers (like their example where the little boy stays up all night watching movies at a friend's house; the next time he goes, the parents encourage, "Yeah, you should stay up all night again! That would be fun!"; and then when he comes home, he tells his parents that he decided not to stay up all night because he was too tired the next day afterward. Why would the parents encourage bad behavior instead of gently reminding him what happened last time? I'm not convinced every child make the right choice on his own.).
So I like the idea of using consequences instead of lectures. But I don't think that idea alone will work all of the time. I think sometimes parents have to gently point out right and wrong (while hopefully avoiding turning it into a lecture). Overall, a good book, although the idea could be condensed into an article.

[Kris Patrick · Rating 3 out of 5]

I could lead with a number of jokes here but they would make zero sense to someone unfamiliar with Love & Logic. How sad.
Ok... I couldn't control myself. ;)

[Alli · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 ⭐️
I can get on board with the premise of this book — teach your kids wisdom through loving and firm parenting.
I do not love the actual method. There is quite a bit of sarcasm, and quite a bit of “guilt-tripping”, which they claim to recommend against!
The most important reason for a bad rating to me is that I feel that this book, though great in premise, really missed the HEART of a kid. This is not to say that I wouldn’t (and don’t already) use some of these principles. But without the foundation of a Savior who forgives, you are just looking to produce moralistic kids who know that they won’t “get what they want unless they’re sweet.”

[Esther Nevener · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great practical guide to the love and logic philosophy. I read Parenting with Love and Logic first and found it was hard to apply to my toddler. I would recommend that book for parents of school age kids. This book, however, helped apply the same philosophy to toddlers. It gave plenty of examples and stories which made the concepts easier to grasp. I would say about half of this book was gold and the other half I felt was dated. This book is very helpful for ages 3-6 but I would say the title is misleading in saying "Birth to Six Years". I look forward to putting this book to the test.

[Laura · Rating 1 out of 5]

Update review written on December 3, 2019:

Believe it or not, among all of the horrors and tragedies in the world right now, the fact that I gave this book 5 stars has been keeping me up at night. I reviewed this book when I was pregnant, and 3 years later, I have not found anything in it to be helpful in raising a real child with real emotions and a real attachment to mom and dad.

My problem with the love and logic method is the emotional and relational detachment that it requires. Maybe this is why I thought the Love and Logic for Teaching was useful - classroom management with students is COMPLETELY different from raising a child. I don't know - maybe someday I'll reread that too and write a new review.

The point is, though, that this Love and Logic method is based on a kind of emotional and relational detachment that is dominant in patriarchy and authoritarian systems. It is not a surprise that the authors are based out of Colorado. Another author, Joanna Faber, in her excellent book "How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen," points out that the idea of "logical" or "natural" consequences is a subjective construct except in situations of natural physics and even then, the way that one teaches those consequences is of importance.

In short, I thought this book was great until I actually had a kid and then I realized that I would never do anything in this book to my own kid, so my conclusion is that this book... sucks.

---------
Review written on August 4, 2016:

This is a fantastic book about strategies for parenting young children in a way that avoids power struggles, backtalk, and arguing. Instead, the goal of all of these simply but brilliant strategies is to teach children from a very young age to think for themselves and to learn about consequences for their choices and actions in a context of empathy and loving authority. In doing so, the children will develop a strong self-concept and a solid sense of responsibility.

I read their Teaching With Love and Logic years ago and loved it. This book is much shorter and to the point -- it's a terrific book to read quickly and keep on hand for constant reference and affirmation. It's also aimed specifically for ages 0-6, and it emphasizes the importance again and again of giving children opportunities to learn from their mistakes at an age when the repercussions are small rather than later when the consequences are much more serious.

[Lisa Wuertz · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this book, but I think that the subtitle is totally off: "Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years." More like from 3 to the teenage years. While there are a few things the authors address that are applicable to infants and anyone under the age of three, most of it is not.

Other problems I have with this book:
-It definitely reads like a cheesey self-help book. Complete with catch phrases, one-liners, and mantras. These kinds of things annoy me.
-There is a lot of emphasis placed on "self-concept" which just seems to be the old "self-esteem" gospel repackaged.
-I take issue with rule #2: Turn every mistake or misbehavior into a learning opportunity, mostly because this is completely how my husband operates and it gets on my nerves a lot because sometimes life just happens the way it does and not everything is a teachable moment or a learning opportunity (in my opinion anyway).
-Letting the kid decide how much time-out (bedroom time is what they call it) they get, "You can feel free to come out when you are ready to be sweet." My daughter caught onto that one ages ago, even before I read this book, and now thinks that as long as she says sorry or "OK be nice now" that time-out can last as little as a second and then it is right back doing what she was doing wrong before. Pretty much not effective, I'd say.

There were still some good things I think I gleaned from the book. It was a good reminder not to get frustrated and angry, that it only makes the problems/behavior worse. There were a lot of practical situations addressed (grocery shopping, talking on the phone, temper tantrums, etc.).

[Nikki · Rating 3 out of 5]

[update after thinking about this a long time and worrying that I gave the wrong impression to everyone who got this email update originally]
So I have a really hard time assigning a rating to this book. The philosophy itself should get a five, because I think it is a fabulous philosophy. But the explaining of the philosophy should get a one or two, because this is hands down the most disorganized book I've ever read.

I repeat, though: the philosophy should get a five, and I'm looking into hiring a Love and Logic teacher to give a seminar at my house, because I've heard that if you hire a good one (who explains it well, with real examples and probably better organization and age-appropriate application tips) then this stuff will change your parenting and your life.

[previous review]
I liked this book because it fit my style of parenting and gave me additional strategies for my current repertoire. Also, it helped me zero in on some areas where I was falling into traps: namely, letting my kid get away with bossing me around because at least he was saying (barking) "please"; and nagging him again and again to do things and wondering why he always refused. My biggest complaints with the book are that it seems too randomly organized, uses too-perfect examples (like your kid has to respond a certain way for it to work) and has too many typos. Also, though it does occasionally address age-appropriateness, I would have liked to know what age they're targeting with each strategy since many seemed too sophisticated for my three-year-old.

[JoyfulK · Rating 5 out of 5]

This little book is the clearest introduction I've found to the Love and Logic parenting system, an excellent system that is adaptable to situations including parenting, step-parenting, co-parenting, teaching, and counseling.

The system is based on empathy, natural & logical consequences, and helping kids make age-appropriate decisions on their own---so that they take on increasing levels of responsibility for themselves and move towards healthy interdependence. Although this book uses examples with pre-schoolers, the principles explained can be "aged up" to your kids.

There are also books in the Love and Logic set for school-age kids, teens, kids with chronic illness, and kids with attention issues. There are also free tips on their website, Love and Logic. All of their books I've read thus far are useful, but I think this one is the best place to start.

[Tonya · Rating 3 out of 5]

I just wish this had really been geared more at EARLY childhood. like, starting at age 2. That's what I assumed it would be from the title and I was hoping for more tips about dealing with issues that arise from with my 2 year old. But there was only one chapter-one!- dedicated to ages 3 and under. I like a lot of the ideas and philosophies in this book but I think it's titled incorrectly to try to gear towards a different audience than their other books. I guess I will revisit it in a couple of years.

[Natalie Cornish · Rating 3 out of 5]

The concepts offered in this book seem simple, but they are difficult to remember in the heat of the moment. Take the authors advice and master one concept before adding another. I still don't know if this will work for my family, but it is worth a try!

[Douglas · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a decent book. It reads quickly and doesn't overwhelm readers -- most likely parents -- with techniques that cover everything. This is really a disciplining technique that the authors believe helps to create wisdom that will last into adulthood. There's a Tao-ish simplicity to this that I can appreciate, and to be honest getting frustrated and arguing with my kid all the time doesn't work well so hey, if someone has a method they think works well, I'm all for it. Moreover, it does involve discipline and is not at all permissive, but rather uses the former in a way that is more empathetic with the wants and needs of the child. As a guy who gets embarrassed by his own outbursts of emotion, that alone gives me enough to want to try.

The writing style seems to work for the authors and I suspect some people. For me, it seemed like a constant upsell -- like the technique they lay out in this book is a form of foolproof magic. It's not towards the end that it's noted that nothing is foolproof, but in the mean time they keep telling me how "Love and Logic parents just love this part!" or something like that. Moreover, there are "real-life" examples through the book, that is examples given as real-life anecdotes but I'm not sure how real they are and sometimes they just seem to perfect. Dunno why I'm such a hardened cynic.

I'm willing to up my rating after a year or so of trying this method. It's not easy to get on because I obviously know I have some bad habits. On the other hand, as I said, I'm willing to try this because of my thoughts in the first paragraph here.

Of course if it doesn't work or even backfires, I'm changing my rating to a big ol' razberry. You've been warned, book!

[Berls · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a great book! I came to this already a fan of Love and Logic, but as a teacher not a parent. And even though the principles are basically the same, the application as a parent and with toddlers is different. I especially enjoyed all the real life examples, they really helped make the principles and recommendations come to life. I've seen how effective these principles are in the classroom and I feel confident they embody the type of parent I want to be.

The second edition, which I was reading has QR codes embedded to hear Drs Jim and Charles Fay extend the advice or illustrate the tone of voice to be used. I wish the extensions were written in the text - stopping to go to the QR code and listen was disruptive, especially considering that I then would write the note out. The voice illustrations were neat though. So I guess I'm okay with QR codes, but I wish they'd been used more specifically for things that need to be heard. And I'm curious what the audiobooks version of the book does with them?

My first time reading this, Dante is just 1 year old. But the advice is really geared to toddlers 1-4 years old. Which is why I say my first time reading. I've highlighted and made notes but I feel confident I'll be rereading as Dante gets older. I couldn't recommend a better book for parents of toddlers.

[Kat · Rating 5 out of 5]

At first I thought the examples of how the kids responded were really unrealistic- or at least unrealistic unless you've been trying the methods for awhile. But as I read along, it really has practical and powerful parenting techniques. I want to give my child choices, follow through, and come across with empathy. I want my child to be able to contribute as a family with chores. I want to help encourage my child to think through options. I will be reading this book again and taking some practical notes the second time around, so that I can find what works for me and my family. I do think that kids need a warning first with a short explanation before the rule being enforced. I also agree with the below response of the 10 month old eating- it's hard to say if they were just playing to play or if they were trying to give the que of all done. Regardless, 5 stars for sure, and hopefully people can use some tips that go along with their children and parenting style.

[Jillian Vincent · Rating 4 out of 5]

We are in the exact stage for this book right now. My pediatrician recommended it to me and I will start to highly recommend too. It was simple, which we need, but sets a foundation for later in growing up too. It gave me the words and actions to use when misbehavior starts, and eliminates some of the stress and anger at the situation. My critique is that it is missing the gospel, so there will need to be conversations about sin and grace added to this. Also some of the examples I would never do, but I still understand why the authors used them (aka encouraging my child to whine more or scream louder to take the power out of it😂). I will continue to reference this book and my hubby is reading now too.

[Bailey L. · Rating 4 out of 5]

A couple with grown kids recommended this book when giving a talk to engaged couples and I’ve been slowly working through it for two years as my oldest goes through stages of toddlerhood. So I’ve been trying ideas in this book for a while now, and I have found immense use in the tactics. At the same time a couple of their ideas involves using guilt as a tactic which I do not agree with. Also, the first bit of the book with the authors talking about how great this method is was unnecessary. Almost made me stop reading. But I am glad I stuck with it. The uh oh song and helping kids solve their own problems were the parts I am using constantly, as long as I remember to 😂

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. It does not come as second nature to me. I've started to implement choices over the past year with my daughter, and it's been very helpful. I will definitely pick it up and read again as my 2 year old loves to test my patience, and I felt like this book had good alternatives to losing my cool 🙃. Also, loved the last chapter on chores and the few ideas to implement with a toddler. Would recommend!

[Kistie Adams · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book! Fantastic ideas for parenting as a loving authority figure rather than being frequently angry and frustrated with children who are learning to behave. I will keep this around as a reference for the next several years.

[Jonathan Ammon · Rating 3 out of 5]

A lot of phenomenal principles and practical advice mixed with some things that seem snarky, manipulative, and maybe unhealthy. I will be applying much more than leaving behind on this one, and my rating may go up as I actually apply the methods.

[Camille · Rating 4 out of 5]

This has been my favorite of parenting books I’ve read in my short time learning how to parent—very practical and usable in all aspects.