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401 pages, Kindle Edition
Published August 14, 2025
‘A desire to be unanchored and in a state of constant movement has plagued me my whole life and yet is manifest within me alongside a paradoxical but equally profound desire for ‘home’. The two seem to need each other like demanding co-dependent siblings.’
‘Whenever I cross a border, I am hit with neurotic guilt as if I’ve committed a crime unknown even to myself. There is also the fear of simply getting everything wrong, of reading the instructions incorrectly.’
‘When I went to pay for my coffee in Cannelle, my Canadian debit card wouldn’t work, nor my British one. (I also had a Montana bank card which was equally useless.) Unlike many of the cafés and restaurants I was to visit, this one still accepted cash. I excavated the ‘emergency’ $100 bill from my wallet and handed it to the server. ‘Oh, an old one,’ she said, holding the bill up to the light—A familiar nervousness rose in me. Our steady march towards a cashless society has created a growing sense of unease within me. When you have to rely on the digital realm for the privilege of buying food or other essentials, you are being asked to trust in something other than a belief in the value of money. You are being asked to trust in technology—the very same system that monitors us, harvests and sells our data and nudges into our social media with misinformation and advertising. This move towards a cash-free world fuels an existential anxiety that I will be denied service, be shut out of the smooth running of society by having my physical money rejected.’
‘Like Steinbeck after him and Rorty before him, Miller was critical of what he saw: ‘What have we to offer the world beside the superabundant loot which we recklessly plunder from the earth under the maniacal delusion that this insane activity represents progress and enlightenment? The land of opportunity has become the land of senseless sweat and struggle.’
‘In male accounts of the Great American Road Trip, there are fewer conversations with strangers, the individual is paramount and the car is a symbol of intoxicating, virile freedom. When John Steinbeck set off across the United States with his French poodle Charley, he was fifty-eight years old, wealthy and famous. By this point he’d written half a dozen novels and won a Pulitzer Prize for The Grapes of Wrath. Steinbeck saw the ‘ten or twelve thousand miles driving a truck, alone and unattended, over every kind of road’ as ‘the antidote for the poison of the professional sick man’. He equated his trip with manliness, pointing an accusing finger at those middle-aged men who slowed down, worried about their cholesterol levels and entered a semi-invalid stage of life. ‘I see too many men delay their exits with a sickly, slow reluctance to leave the stage. It’s bad theater as well as bad living.’
I was curious to see what it would look like today to cross the United States without the machismo, the individualism and the car. The communal aspect of travelling by Greyhound is crucial to seeing a side of ‘America’ that very few people want to acknowledge and even fewer actually inhabit, even fleetingly. Passengers travel by bus because it is the cheapest way to move from one place to another. There are more stuffed garbage bags on a bus than suitcases on wheels. The Greyhound is where you meet those who, despite wanting and deserving a better life than the one they have, are stuck for various reasons: luck, fate, bad choices, unfair circumstances or illness. ‘Traveling by Greyhound is no pleasure trip,’ Kurtz writes. ‘Bus journeys in America are purposeful expeditions, no frills or affectations.’
‘De Beauvoir notices that in 1947 she didn’t often see women travelling alone. ‘American women,’ she wrote, ‘drive in the cities, but they rarely take a trip without a masculine escort—this is about the extent of their independence.’ Throughout America Day by Day, we encounter de Beauvoir’s views on freedom and feminism—she was after all about to write The Second Sex. ‘I’d imagined that women here would surprise me with their independence,’ she writes, adding: “American woman”, “free woman”—the words seemed synonymous…In the women’s magazines here, more than in the French variety, I’ve read long articles on the art of husband hunting and catching a man. I’ve seen that college girls have little concern for anything but men and that the unmarried woman is much less respected here than in Europe.”’
‘Since I cannot drive, I have had to be a passenger all my life. In order to cross the United States on my own, I was always going to have to do so as part of a group rather than as an individual. Simply by eschewing the car, one becomes a communitarian, a fly in the ointment of modernity and progress, however short-lived. The fact that most of the Great American Road Trip books are written by men driving cars (or trucks) while letting their fancies, their desires and their needs dictate their routes only serves to make the writings of Irma Kurtz, Ethel Mannin and Simone de Beauvoir more radical.’
‘A young woman appeared as we were reboarding and pleaded with the driver to let her on. ‘Please, sir, I just want to go home. Just let me on the bus so I can go home. Please, sir.’ She was crying. He said he couldn’t let her on. Her ticket wasn’t valid. I’d lost count of the number of adults I’d seen crying in public on this trip—Just then my phone vibrated. My hotel in Amarillo was asking me to check in, the way you might check in for a flight. They wanted all my information confirmed via their app. I declined the opportunity.’
‘‘What you need is a boyfriend for two days to show you around Tulsa,’ he offered.
I laughed. ‘Maybe you could just tell me where I can find a nice bar to get a beer and listen to some decent music?’
He drew me a map.
Would Karl have taken his offer up? I don’t think so. I think she would have taken the map and run as I did—When I told him I was heading to New Mexico and then Vegas he took my journal and began writing down names of people he knew in those towns—The beer was beginning to talk and I took my leave—’
“A ragged person running away from loss. Marc Augé, the late French anthropologist, sees these revisited ‘places of memory’ as opportunities to face ‘the image of what we are no longer’. A place can offer a palimpsest of one’s past and present: the superimposition of our current selves onto the memories we have of a place allow us to be, in Augé’s words, ‘tourists of the private’.’
‘Another man at the bar, this one in a tweed jacket and a flat cap, noticed me writing in my journal and came over to tell me that his wife had just written a novel. He asked where I lived and when I told him, he said he hated London because there were too many ‘different colours and people from all over’—words that tumbled straight into my journal. The owner—heard I was from out of town. He sat on the stool next to mine and told me he had emigrated from Kent. He was another London-hater. ‘No one bloody speaks English there!’ They all laughed.’
‘I laughed. ‘Do you really think I am going to tell a guy I’ve just met in a bar where I am staying?’ I don’t remember what I answered, if anything, but whatever it was, he must have taken it to mean I was making fun of him. He started shaking his fists in front of his face and I walked faster. I knew I was going in the general direction of my hotel, but I didn’t know the route very well, nor the name of the street I needed to turn down. I couldn’t pull out my map, so I just carried on walking. Eventually he stopped and I continued.’
‘—I’d found myself in a gumbo restaurant with a live band. The place was loud and the crowd was composed mainly of old hippies. I ordered a Schafly just as some very fast Bluegrass started up. Older couples got up to dance. The music worked on me like a heartbeat. In this moment, away from anything and everything familiar, I was where I wanted to be. I didn’t really know where I was, but I wasn’t lost—’
‘—travelling alone on a Greyhound bus across the United States took me out of my mourning and placed me squarely ‘in the moment’, in seats with their sticky upholstery and dirty windows looking onto landscapes, horizons, farms, suburbs, gas stations and parking lots. I could spend hours listening to other people’s stories and losses and not have to think about my own. I was running away from grief, from my body’s inability to hold on to a growing child and from my sense of failure as a woman—’
‘That night as I lay in bed, it hit me that, being in my fifties, I had become more aware of my fragility. All through my twenties, thirties and forties, I was fearless and didn’t think twice about wandering around alone at night. But here in Detroit, I imagined violent scenarios.’
‘Planting seeds is in fact one of the most rebellious acts of resistance out there, which is why giant corporations like Monsanto are in the business of patenting seeds. By doing so, they are effectively making it illegal for farmers and Indigenous people around the world to grow the food they have been relying on for millennia.’
‘Planting seeds and growing food is a political act. Not only do these activities keep one connected to the seasons and the cycles of life, but they are a means of creating a sustainable food source should the links in the global food system collapse. When looked at from this wider perspective, transplanting cauliflowers in a hoop house in Detroit looks very sane indeed. Urban farms are accessible to people without cars, without money, without photo ID. You don’t need an app or an iPhone. They are places of community and learning. They are the places I feel most at home.’
‘The rain continued and the dry ground looked grateful for it—These somewhat anarchic, communal bus-wide conversations had lessened over the years. Most people were now plugged into their devices, barely aware of the passengers around them.’
‘—I found a strange sort of transcendence on the Greyhound. The shared experience of a group of humans, all of them wanting to get where they needed to go, hoping for some kindness, some love, something that might be just out of reach or remembering something they had left behind and were regretting. I felt buoyed by the feeling that I was not alone, that there were others around me grieving, missing loved ones, wishing life had turned out differently or heading towards something beautiful and exciting. And then there is the fact that you are not in control; this is something everyone on a bus feels, which is absent in one’s private vehicle.’
‘Cars offer a promise (or mirage) of freedom. They also contain a political and racial dimension. There has always been a disparity along the lines of race and class between those with vehicles and those without; those who have the freedom to move when and where they want to and those who don’t. Before the 2008 financial crash, 93 per cent of white American households owned at least one car. The figure for African American households was 76 per cent. African Americans were also six times more likely to use public transport. This was a statistic I saw reflected around me on the Greyhound back in 2006—Not only do cars function as machines for acts of removal and separation, but so do the roads they drive on. Roads and highways, while so often being seen as modes to connect us, as avenues to take us towards ‘Freedom’, also allow for a subtle segregation, a quiet death for those seeking the utopian ideal far from the sometimes imagined, sometimes real squalor of the city. For others, suburbia becomes an opiate, a gateway into a world unharmed by poverty and extremes of any kind.’
‘Deserts, like outer space, are places where time and space collide. The scrubby mesquite you see before you might only be three feet tall, but its roots have travelled down eighty feet under the ground and are sucking up water that fell in the form of raindrops 2,000 years before its seed had taken hold in the ground. No wonder deserts are where the mystics, visionaries, ascetics and searchers go to wander, to lose themselves and to find answers.’
‘My bag was heavy and the constant hum of despondency all around me was wearing me down. My lips were chapped and dry from the sun and wind and I was relieved that I could indulge in a large drink of water before the measly four-hour ride to Albuquerque.
When I walked into the bus station, I was hit by a foul smell. A woman with half a dozen carrier bags seemed to be the source. I imagined something dead in one of her bags. It had to be; this was the stench of death—Let everyone sit on the curb or the floor.
Don’t allow them the dignity of a chair or a glass of water or cup of coffee. It’s cheaper to let everyone fend for themselves. The material world where most of us dwelled was being ground to dust or turned to shit right before our eyes. Much of the hope I had seen in 2006 had evaporated. Worsening climate disasters, a global economic crash, meth, fentanyl and every other opioid, Covid, zero healthcare, the relocation of human transactions and experiences to the digital sphere, all of it felt like a tsunami that had been gathering in size and strength for months, years, decades. We were now living in the devastation left in its wake. I was beginning to see the United States as a failed experiment. I had grown up loving the place: I had lived in New York, Boston and Missoula, Montana. I have as much family and as many friends in the US as I do in Canada. So many places are like home to me here. But I was starting to lose faith in the whole project, in the adventure called ‘America’.’
‘Cattle in this part of Texas are force-fed as quickly as possible until they are fat enough to be slaughtered. It used to take a cow five years to grow large enough to be sent to the abattoir. Now, with antibiotics, growth hormones and a sedentary existence in a small pen, a calf can go from 220 to 590 kilos in a mere six months and be ready for slaughter in 18. What I was smelling in Amarillo was not simply the manure from these intensively raised animals, it was ‘faecal dust’—tiny particles of cow shit that get swept up and carried on the wind—the manager of the Greyhound bus station in Amarillo told me about his half-brother getting a job in a place that processes this stuff, a job with healthcare (the Holy Grail for millions of Americans), I felt genuinely happy for him. Very few of us can escape from participating in a society that has been built upon extraction and consumption if we want to survive in it.’
‘There comes a point when, as a woman travelling alone, you will meet someone who invites you to spend the night with them. I was learning on this trip that even when you hit forty and are travelling by bus in a pair of dirty jeans and a smelly T-shirt, this rule still applies. Usually, it’s easy to brush off the advances, to make a joke of them, to say you have a partner, that he trusts you and you trust him and you are not willing to break that trust. Every woman has an armour they bring out to deflect unwanted attention. I usually resorted to humour. I’ve always thought that it’s fine for anyone to declare an interest; it’s how they react to your ‘no’ that marks out the good from the bad.’
‘After we’d both eaten our meals in silence, he approached and told me how he used to be into photography but now that he was blind, he had to see what everyone else sees in his own head. He asked how I’d liked my moussaka and whether I was a tourist. Before I could answer, he said that there were better months to be a tourist in Napanee. ‘My timing is always terrible,’ I said. He replied, ‘Your timing is beautiful because I got to talk to you,’ and then turned and walked out.’
‘I had surrendered to my loss and it had rewarded me with gain. I also realised during the period shortly after—that books about grief never mention the solace of moving through space as one person among many, as one living, breathing human in a group of living, breathing humans. About how other people’s stories can swallow and consume your own stories, turning a heavy, leaden weight into a ghostly, almost translucent thing. That movement can perform a kind of alchemy, that you can trust in strangers; that without trust, there is nothing.’