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168 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 9, 2025
I don’t like to be too aware it’s me writing. That might sound nonsensical, given that so many sentences here begin with ‘I’. How then could I not be aware that it is me writing this? I don’t know exactly. Perhaps what I’m getting at is that other people’s ideas about me aren’t something I want to be too aware of while I’m writing this. I don’t want the way they see me to interfere and keep me at the surface of things. I need to sink down a bit. I need to disappear, go under, get down to where she is. Then it is she who says I, not me, not me.
You begin to discover that having certain words in your mouth can make you feel the most extraordinary and exhilarating sensations. These sensations are occasioned by little flares going off inside of you, briefly illuminating that dark innermost space, plethoric and phantasmal, that you don’t know very much about but sometimes feel yourself sinking into. By the slow, cascading light of these fleet fire-bursts, set off by words, words spoken, strange and potent, you begin to see how vast and elaborate all that secluded darkness is. Is this scintillating shade you or was it there before you? You don’t know. Is it inside everyone? You don’t know that either. You want to stay, you don’t want to stay. You want to say more, you want to bite your lip hard and remain perdurably mute. It never ends. It never ends.
My belongings are arranged in the corner. They consist mostly of plants. Everything else went into storage yesterday. Something is loosened. The things that hold life in place have been lifted off and put away. I wonder about those rare people who never move. Who live on and on in the same house. Never really needing to sort through anything. Never having to handle each and every object in turn. Never having to weigh up its value. Never having to ask, what do I take with me? Never seeing their life like this. All up in a heap. I haven’t written so much in aeons, yet I’m no closer to why I do it. Is there, after all, a story I am hoping to uncover and make mine? Never, not in a million years. Pfennig. Pfennig. Pfennig. They have gone now and the word has gone now. Can’t there be a new thing we call ‘pfennig’?
Many writers I enjoy—Deborah Levy, Eimear McBride, Jon Fosse, Thomas Bernhard, Marguerite Duras, Sartre, Beckett—have been involved with or have written for theater. When I think about it now, what engages me about all these writers’ books, including yours, is the phenomenological dimension of their work, which I can engage with and am moved by much more than say a purely psychological mode.
My favourite writers are writers who pay attention – very close attention – to the world around them. That feels like a very intimate thing. So writers such as Beckett and Virginia Woolf, Jean Rhys, Annie Ernaux, Natalia Ginzburg. Noticing human behaviour and little changes that occur and wondering about them, that’s an act of love. It’s that willingness to sit there and spend time, which is becoming scarcer and scarcer.
“I moved away a couple of months ago, I’m not sure if you know that.” I’m not sure why I wrote that I left two months ago when in fact it’s only been two weeks and two days. Saying two months makes me feel stronger, more detached and independent, perhaps because it conveys that life, my life, continues, that I exist outside of and separately to his mind. That I am not always where he thinks I am. Maybe Xavier isn’t where I think he is. Perhaps he has managed to get away at last. (pp. 85-86)
“Aren’t they beautiful?” I would write underneath. But it did get tiresome, having to spend fifty. One week I spent thirty and she said she’d carry the twenty over to the following visit, so that meant I had to spend seventy next time I came in and the next time I went in there weren’t many flowers on display that I liked especially, so then I was in a real quandary. (pp. 59-60)
If I were to email him, he would, if he was going to reply, reply almost straight away. He checks his emails at least once a day. Unless something has changed. Unless he has died. (p. 38)
I was promptly sent a cheque for £500. I was over the moon, yet when I told Xavier I was pretty cool about it, as if it were only to be expected because actually, despite what he thought, it was a very good story, and look, here was a cheque for five hundred that attested to its indisputable brilliance. (p. 49)