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I Hear You: Repair Communication Breakdowns, Negotiate Successfully, and Build Consensus . . . in Three Simple Steps
Birth, death, and conflict—three things you truly can’t avoid. Whether it’s big or small, conflict eats into productivity and makes people feel stuck. Yet solutions exist for even the toughest situations with the most intractable people. The answer
lies in better communication—not just using different words, but rather learning to think differently. I Hear You supplies proven techniques for stepping outside one’s point of view and seeing things from other perspectives. Sample dialogues show how this shift in thinking leads to better conversations and greatly improved outcomes. Readers learn how to: • Tell the other person’s story—the cornerstone of real engagement
• Look from the outside in and see themselves as others do
• Recognize the role systemic factors play—and transform a conflict into a shared challenge
• Overcome the defense mechanisms that derail dialogue For anyone trying to negotiate a difficult situation with a boss, colleague, employee, or client, I Hear You changes opposition into understanding and mere talk into real trust.
lies in better communication—not just using different words, but rather learning to think differently. I Hear You supplies proven techniques for stepping outside one’s point of view and seeing things from other perspectives. Sample dialogues show how this shift in thinking leads to better conversations and greatly improved outcomes. Readers learn how to: • Tell the other person’s story—the cornerstone of real engagement
• Look from the outside in and see themselves as others do
• Recognize the role systemic factors play—and transform a conflict into a shared challenge
• Overcome the defense mechanisms that derail dialogue For anyone trying to negotiate a difficult situation with a boss, colleague, employee, or client, I Hear You changes opposition into understanding and mere talk into real trust.
289 pages, Kindle Edition
First published December 10, 2013
25 people are currently reading
382 people want to read
About the author
Donny Ebenstein
2 books3 followersDonny Ebenstein is the author of I Hear You: Repair Communication Breakdowns, Negotiate Successfully, and Build Consensus…in 3 Simple Steps.
Donny began his career as a student at Harvard Law School, where he was active with the Harvard Negotiation Project and the Harvard Mediation Program. Following his graduation, he worked in Costa Rica, Colombia, and Australia. Donny has extensive experience in the Middle East, where his work included consulting to the Israeli Supreme Court, supporting their efforts to promote mediation in Israel; leading workshops on alternative dispute resolution, attended by hundreds of sitting judges; creating and teaching the first mediation course at the Hebrew University Law Faculty in Jerusalem; training the Israel Defense Forces on how to collaborate more effectively on joint patrols with their Palestinian counterparts; and conducting joint workshops for Israeli and Palestinian Border Crossing Staff on skills for resolving conflict.
In 2000, Donny formed Ebenstein Consulting Incorporated to serve clients in negotiation, communication and conflict resolution. In addition to being the founder of Ebenstein Consulting, Donny was a co-founder and managing member of Consensus Brokers LLC, a consulting firm that existed from 2005 - 2013.
Ebenstein’s private sector experience includes teaching negotiation, mediation, and communication workshops for executives at all levels of seniority, from recent college graduates to partners, directors, and the top levels of management in the U.S., Europe, Asia, Latin America, the Middle East, and Australia.
Ebenstein has worked with a wide range of public sector clients, including the Temporary International Presence in Hebron, Citadel Military College, the US Office of Government Ethics, and the Federal Aviation Administration. He has taught and guest lectured at universities around the world.
Donny began his career as a student at Harvard Law School, where he was active with the Harvard Negotiation Project and the Harvard Mediation Program. Following his graduation, he worked in Costa Rica, Colombia, and Australia. Donny has extensive experience in the Middle East, where his work included consulting to the Israeli Supreme Court, supporting their efforts to promote mediation in Israel; leading workshops on alternative dispute resolution, attended by hundreds of sitting judges; creating and teaching the first mediation course at the Hebrew University Law Faculty in Jerusalem; training the Israel Defense Forces on how to collaborate more effectively on joint patrols with their Palestinian counterparts; and conducting joint workshops for Israeli and Palestinian Border Crossing Staff on skills for resolving conflict.
In 2000, Donny formed Ebenstein Consulting Incorporated to serve clients in negotiation, communication and conflict resolution. In addition to being the founder of Ebenstein Consulting, Donny was a co-founder and managing member of Consensus Brokers LLC, a consulting firm that existed from 2005 - 2013.
Ebenstein’s private sector experience includes teaching negotiation, mediation, and communication workshops for executives at all levels of seniority, from recent college graduates to partners, directors, and the top levels of management in the U.S., Europe, Asia, Latin America, the Middle East, and Australia.
Ebenstein has worked with a wide range of public sector clients, including the Temporary International Presence in Hebron, Citadel Military College, the US Office of Government Ethics, and the Federal Aviation Administration. He has taught and guest lectured at universities around the world.
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
March 1, 2024
Rounded up. The principle I found most useful that I hadn’t heard before was to “tell the other persons story.” Try to express their side/point of view as accurately as possible. Because our own lens easily creeps back in, doing this successfully often requires making yourself the “bad guy” of the story and making them the “hero.” Afterwards, ask them if you got it right and if there’s anything you were missing. This process will help the other person feel heard and may assist in disarming them so progress can be made.
September 27, 2014
Книга про то, как улучшить свои навыки взаимопонимания с другими людьми. Особый акцент на навыках эмпатии, применяемых в "трудных разговорах" (переговоры, конфликты и т.п.). Подробная рецензия + интеллект-карта в моем блоге: http://s-kalinin.blogspot.ru/2014/09/...
Книга не очень легко читается; местами поверхностная; но в целом неплохо.
Книга не очень легко читается; местами поверхностная; но в целом неплохо.
August 25, 2017
Чем-то напомнило книгу Маршалла Голдсмитта - такого же тренера, который решил просто поговорить. Я все-таки ожидаю, что автор проведет исследовательскую работу, подкрепит данные кейсами, выявит какую-то личную теорию, все это структурирует и даст читателю стимулы к применению знаний. Это же такая интересная тема. Заманили меня названием. А это больше было похоже на разговор одного тренера, у которого есть вроде как опыт, но отсутствуют напрочь навыки исследователя и автора. Ощущения экспертности не возникло совсем. Грустно от того, что есть потрясающие книги, которые не переводят на русский, а есть такие, за которым кроме пузырьков пиара ничего и не видно. Но я добрый и допускаю, что просто тема оказалась менее актуальной, чем я думал. Однако... попробуйте сами, сделайте вывод после первых 50 страниц.
October 19, 2018
You have the power to shift your most stuck situation. It is not hopeless. However, you need to remember that you can only change yourself—you cannot change other people. Understanding a different perspective does not mean giving up your own viewpoint. Many aspects go into how someone views the world. Learn to see the other person’s point of view in order to communicate more effectively.
April 21, 2020
ООО, в каждом офисе есть ситуация: один "глазастый сотрудник" постоянно недовольна тем, что "уходящий" «спихивает» на нее всю работу и рано уходит домой. А "уходящий" уходит в пять, а"глазастый сотрудник" работает по вечерам, и по выходным..
Как бы вы поступили в этой ситуации? Книга предлагает несколько роешений)
Как бы вы поступили в этой ситуации? Книга предлагает несколько роешений)
November 1, 2018
Solid book on handling tough communication issues. When stuck, analyze the situation from three different perspectives:
- Others, from the inside ("Tell their story")
- Yourself from the outside ("See yourself how others see you")
- The situation from the outside ("See the system")
- Others, from the inside ("Tell their story")
- Yourself from the outside ("See yourself how others see you")
- The situation from the outside ("See the system")
April 21, 2014
Why, oh, why is it so hard to teach communication skills in books? Maybe because it's impossible? Because, stripped of tone/inflection/poetry/humor and other vocal (not to mention visual) cues, we can't relate to the examples at hand, much less internalize them? No matter how kind and wise and skilled the teacher—Ebenstein qualifies on all three counts—reading even the best communications books is just dull, dull, dull. I fully accept that it might be my own density causing trouble, but after all the books on it I've read, the one I've gained the most from is one aimed at adults who want to better communicate with kids. (In defense of these other books, it's hard to beat cartoons!)
All that griping aside, there are many good tools presented in the book, and not a "system" (boo! hiss!) in sight. Listening is emphasized above all, along with other practices to help get you out of your own point-of-view, and into your co-communicator's. As he states mid-way through (on p 163 of the hardcover version), "Everything in this book shows you how flexing your mind and shifting your thinking will shift your capacity for engaging constructively with the other side." Probably the most useful takeaway is a detailed explanation of how to create a successful role-playing set-up. In this chapter, he explains the various uses: diagnosis; shifting perspective for yourself; helping someone else to shift perspective; and just plain practice.
I concede that learning to communicate well is neither a swift nor formulaic process; it's kind of like learning how to live a good life, or how to be happy. Come to think of it, by the time you've learned to communicate well, both of those things are well underway. Maybe I wish the examples were better, or maybe I just wish life were easier.
Yeah, probably that.
All that griping aside, there are many good tools presented in the book, and not a "system" (boo! hiss!) in sight. Listening is emphasized above all, along with other practices to help get you out of your own point-of-view, and into your co-communicator's. As he states mid-way through (on p 163 of the hardcover version), "Everything in this book shows you how flexing your mind and shifting your thinking will shift your capacity for engaging constructively with the other side." Probably the most useful takeaway is a detailed explanation of how to create a successful role-playing set-up. In this chapter, he explains the various uses: diagnosis; shifting perspective for yourself; helping someone else to shift perspective; and just plain practice.
I concede that learning to communicate well is neither a swift nor formulaic process; it's kind of like learning how to live a good life, or how to be happy. Come to think of it, by the time you've learned to communicate well, both of those things are well underway. Maybe I wish the examples were better, or maybe I just wish life were easier.
Yeah, probably that.
January 2, 2014
Conflicts and communications breakdowns are inevitable. Mr. Ebenstein refers to these as “stuck situations.” In his book, I Hear You, he provides useful and practical tools and techniques for identifying and resolving conflicts and communication failures. The premise of the I Hear You is that you must “flex” your mind to respect and process different perspectives, situations and natural tensions in order to get “unstuck.” Mr. Ebenstein shares concrete and vivid examples (example situations/conversations) that clearly illustrate the application of his methods and bring his practices to life. He also provides easy to follow tips incorporating and practicing his techniques.
I Hear You is the rare “guidebook” that provides practical, useful information while entertaining the reader and not getting bogged down in technical jargon or esoteric philosophical theories. This book can be useful to anyone seeking to improve their personal or professional communications and relationships. As a practicing attorney and business owner, I have been able to incorporate a number of Mr. Ebenstein’s suggestions into my own professional life with great results and I have seen Mr. Ebenstein’s techniques successfully employed to resolve significant conflicts.
Put simply, Mr. Ebenstein really understands what it takes to move past differences and build consensus and in I Hear You he shares the “secret sauce” with us.
I Hear You is the rare “guidebook” that provides practical, useful information while entertaining the reader and not getting bogged down in technical jargon or esoteric philosophical theories. This book can be useful to anyone seeking to improve their personal or professional communications and relationships. As a practicing attorney and business owner, I have been able to incorporate a number of Mr. Ebenstein’s suggestions into my own professional life with great results and I have seen Mr. Ebenstein’s techniques successfully employed to resolve significant conflicts.
Put simply, Mr. Ebenstein really understands what it takes to move past differences and build consensus and in I Hear You he shares the “secret sauce” with us.
December 4, 2013
A very useful primer on improving communication in difficult situations. Should be read by all business people!
February 23, 2016
I really liked the fact that the author laid out the exact dialogues from his communication coaching sessions... Very practical!
Read
January 26, 2017Read for work purposes, so will not rate.
This is the sort of book that would be good for me, because I'm often quick to jump to conclusions and refuse to look from the other person's point of view, except that it felt too idealistic and preachy.
Don't think it would actually work in practice.
This is the sort of book that would be good for me, because I'm often quick to jump to conclusions and refuse to look from the other person's point of view, except that it felt too idealistic and preachy.
Don't think it would actually work in practice.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews