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The Jews: 5,000 Years and Counting
From Adam & Eve to Zabar’s, this humorous survey of Jewish history is the most outrageous and unreliable account of the Jewish people’s wanderings since…the Torah.
“A delightful companion to the Torah, the Talmud, and every history book every written about the Jewish people…a perfect book for anyone who has ever wondered how the heck the Jews got here and where the heck are we going and is it okay to laugh about it all? I’ll follow Kutner to the answer.” —Mayim Bialik, Actor, Author, Neuroscientist
A hilarious read for those with even the most basic level of Jewish knowledge, and the perfect gift for those who want to know more.
The 5,000 Years and Counting is packed with Jew-facts, Jew-figures, and the original, never-before-seen documents from those who lived through Jewish history. Read the transcript of the Biblical Patriarchs’ and Matriarchs’ Group Therapy Session! Sneak a peek at Moses’ Secret Diary, or check out the awkward “I’m dumping you” text chain from Spain to the Jews in 1492! Collect and trade Rabbi Action Cards!
Covering every major moment in Jewish history from the literal “Beginning” to Tuesday’s rerun of Seinfeld, this book will make you laugh. It might inadvertently make you learn. If you’re Jewish, it will unquestionably give you something to kvetch about.
“A delightful companion to the Torah, the Talmud, and every history book every written about the Jewish people…a perfect book for anyone who has ever wondered how the heck the Jews got here and where the heck are we going and is it okay to laugh about it all? I’ll follow Kutner to the answer.” —Mayim Bialik, Actor, Author, Neuroscientist
A hilarious read for those with even the most basic level of Jewish knowledge, and the perfect gift for those who want to know more.
The 5,000 Years and Counting is packed with Jew-facts, Jew-figures, and the original, never-before-seen documents from those who lived through Jewish history. Read the transcript of the Biblical Patriarchs’ and Matriarchs’ Group Therapy Session! Sneak a peek at Moses’ Secret Diary, or check out the awkward “I’m dumping you” text chain from Spain to the Jews in 1492! Collect and trade Rabbi Action Cards!
Covering every major moment in Jewish history from the literal “Beginning” to Tuesday’s rerun of Seinfeld, this book will make you laugh. It might inadvertently make you learn. If you’re Jewish, it will unquestionably give you something to kvetch about.
196 pages, Kindle Edition
Published March 11, 2025
7 people are currently reading
43 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
April 15, 2025
A fantastic ( and oh so appropriate!) approach to retelling Jewish history. Funny and insightful. ( Rabbi action cards- ha!)
March 26, 2025
This book is delightful and surprisingly accurate - the author clearly did his research. I like how the diversity of Jews is represented, such as a Jewish mother saying, "Sit back. Have a nice bowl of chicken soup / kubbeh / vareniki/ abgoosht / sanbat wat." One of my favorite parts was the Fiddler parody about Tevye and his family as immigrants in NY - so fun! I learned about several historical figures, including Dhu Nuwas, warlord, 6th century Yemen, and Dihya Al-Kahina, a sorceress and military leader in 7th century Berber territories in North Africa, and Radai, dynastic chief, 16th century Ethiopia. As a professor of Jewish studies, I plan to use excerpts in my classes, especially the debate among 4 historical rabbis about the denominations and the interview of kabbalist Isaac Luria by a social media influencer.
I wrote down some quotes I found amusing:
34: cattle disease (deadly, not like cattle eczema)
37: Golden Calf: because nothing strikes fear and awe into the faithful like an adorable shiny baby animal.
41: Samson possessed superhuman strength… and subhuman impulse control
47: (about quotable prophets) Isaiah, Micah, Jeremiah, Amos – pretty much any name of a boy who’s been homeschooled.
48: (because Jonah was swallowed by a big fish) It is for this reason that Jews to this day to take revenge on fish by chopping it into grey mushy ellipsoids that accumulate a weird jelly and sometimes a slice of carrot.
61: Cyrus the Great let the Jews return to Israel and rebuild the temple after 50 years. This was the fastest any project in history would ever get finished by Israeli contractors.
Ezra: I also wrote a series of mystery scrolls following the adventures of a detective Methuselah Jones, but those don’t seem to have met the test of time.
65: Miriam‘s key roles as song leader and hydrator-in-chief would’ve definitely qualified her to run Jewish summer camps.
87: the Rabbis ruled that there would be three main pillars of Judaism Torah study, prayer and acts of kindness. There were not quite enough votes for a proposed fourth pillar: shrugging.
106: At the end of a text chain between Torqueman and spanjew:
So when do we have to be out of here by?
Will circle back. But rn we’re just looking for a year that rhymes with Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
110: pogroms: it takes a village: Vengeance brigades, sponsored by the religion that brought you turn the other cheek
117: the Baal Shem Tov was way too Type-Aleph for that
118: The hasidim were the wild eyed Burning Man attendees of their time, only less tan and with schnapps instead of LSD.
140: Jabotinsky - no one would mess with Jews, who were big, muscular and kicking tuchus. We Jews had to do a full image makeover, or at least start powerlifting something besides volumes of Talmud.
Highly recommended for anyone who wants to learn - or teach - about Jewish history in a fun way.
I wrote down some quotes I found amusing:
34: cattle disease (deadly, not like cattle eczema)
37: Golden Calf: because nothing strikes fear and awe into the faithful like an adorable shiny baby animal.
41: Samson possessed superhuman strength… and subhuman impulse control
47: (about quotable prophets) Isaiah, Micah, Jeremiah, Amos – pretty much any name of a boy who’s been homeschooled.
48: (because Jonah was swallowed by a big fish) It is for this reason that Jews to this day to take revenge on fish by chopping it into grey mushy ellipsoids that accumulate a weird jelly and sometimes a slice of carrot.
61: Cyrus the Great let the Jews return to Israel and rebuild the temple after 50 years. This was the fastest any project in history would ever get finished by Israeli contractors.
Ezra: I also wrote a series of mystery scrolls following the adventures of a detective Methuselah Jones, but those don’t seem to have met the test of time.
65: Miriam‘s key roles as song leader and hydrator-in-chief would’ve definitely qualified her to run Jewish summer camps.
87: the Rabbis ruled that there would be three main pillars of Judaism Torah study, prayer and acts of kindness. There were not quite enough votes for a proposed fourth pillar: shrugging.
106: At the end of a text chain between Torqueman and spanjew:
So when do we have to be out of here by?
Will circle back. But rn we’re just looking for a year that rhymes with Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
110: pogroms: it takes a village: Vengeance brigades, sponsored by the religion that brought you turn the other cheek
117: the Baal Shem Tov was way too Type-Aleph for that
118: The hasidim were the wild eyed Burning Man attendees of their time, only less tan and with schnapps instead of LSD.
140: Jabotinsky - no one would mess with Jews, who were big, muscular and kicking tuchus. We Jews had to do a full image makeover, or at least start powerlifting something besides volumes of Talmud.
Highly recommended for anyone who wants to learn - or teach - about Jewish history in a fun way.
April 24, 2025
A humorous history of the Jewish people? Seriously? Well, yes, actually, Jewish humor and Jewish history both have a dark side to them. But Jews have always had the ability to laugh – and complain – about our troubles. After all, our holidays have been described as “they tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat,” which combines the best of Judaism: celebration and food. This is just a long way to say that Rob Kutner’s “The Jews: 5,000 Years and Counting” (Wicked Son) looks for the humor – laugh-out-loud and so-lame-it-makes-you-groan humor – from biblical to contemporary times.
See the rest of my review at https://www.thereportergroup.org/book...
See the rest of my review at https://www.thereportergroup.org/book...
April 14, 2025
MUCH more fun than Hebrew School!!!
Kutner is a smart funny writer — it’s clear why both Conan O’Brien and Jon Stewart hired him!
And his knows his Torah and his Jewish history — you come away from reading this book with a genuine grasp of history and a bellyache from LOLing so many times.
Few writers can strike a balance between humor and history, and Kutner is clearly one of them!!
The illustrations are apropos and outstanding, the artists chosen from the cream of the comics crop!
Just finished it and i’m about to read it again.
Kutner is a smart funny writer — it’s clear why both Conan O’Brien and Jon Stewart hired him!
And his knows his Torah and his Jewish history — you come away from reading this book with a genuine grasp of history and a bellyache from LOLing so many times.
Few writers can strike a balance between humor and history, and Kutner is clearly one of them!!
The illustrations are apropos and outstanding, the artists chosen from the cream of the comics crop!
Just finished it and i’m about to read it again.
March 23, 2025
Who knew that the Jewish people and humor were somehow connected?! Why the story of Jewish people hasn't been told in this format before is beyond me, but Kutner nails it. Funny, interesting, informative, history-ish, and graphic (ummmm...graphic novel, that is...) This is a definite must read for anyone who likes the Complete History of the Universe.
April 14, 2025
The best gift for Jewish readers! I learned history while laughing -- the family therapy session for Abraham and Isaac (and Sarah, Rebecca....) was brilliant!
The author covered thousands of years of history and several Diaspora communities- lots of new knowledge for me which I enjoy. So much more fun than Hebrew school!
The author covered thousands of years of history and several Diaspora communities- lots of new knowledge for me which I enjoy. So much more fun than Hebrew school!
April 17, 2025
The great comedy writers use humor as a tool, rather than a be-all end-all. Kutner is one of the great comedy writers, this we know, while The Jews is a perfect synthesis of everything he does well. He educates, persuades, and entertains with such warmth, joy, and precision. What a lovely and wickedly funny book.
April 15, 2025
It’s historically accurate, it’s funny and you will learn things you did not know even if you’re a “know-it-all”.
Covers thousands of years using many different creative approaches, and I guarantee you will laugh out loud at least a few times.
Covers thousands of years using many different creative approaches, and I guarantee you will laugh out loud at least a few times.
April 15, 2025
Kutner’s book is a hilarious and informative Judaism lesson wrapped in a comedy special — equal parts Monty Python’s ‘Life of Brian’ and “The Daily Show.” This is the kind of bar/bat mitzvah gift that stays on the bookshelf far into adulthood.
July 23, 2025
Funny on every page. And that’s saying A LOT about a book that has a chapter dedicated to the Holocaust. Shocked that the author found a way to tastefully and intelligently land every joke. I also learned more about Jewish history from this book than I had any right to.
April 14, 2025
This should be required reading for every Jewish teen (and their parents). Hilarious, yes, but also thoroughly educational. My new Bar / Bat Mitzvah gift.
April 14, 2025
An utter delight! Highly recommend.
April 14, 2025
Excellent. An ideal bat/bar mitzvah gift!
April 15, 2025
It's rare when something is both educational and funny, but Rob Kutner has found a way to do both in his latest book. It's accessible, informative, and enjoyable. Glad to know this book exists!
April 15, 2025
Instant classic - giving as a graduation/bar mitzvah gift to like the next ten B Mitzvahs I’m heading to. Hilarious - I am proud of how many jokes I got by remembering my Hebrew school days; too!
April 16, 2025
Awesomeness!
April 21, 2025
A highly entertaining book with just the right amount of snarky humor. The only downside? You might actually learn something.
May 1, 2025
Amazing! This book made me think, made me laugh, and taught me a ton. My neighborhood crew- representing multiple faiths and perspectives- also loved it!
September 10, 2025
I bailed on this about halfway through. It's clever and amusing, but just not hitting my funny bone right now.
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews