Toughest People to Love: How to Understand, Lead, and Love the Difficult People in Your Life -- Including Yourself

by Chuck DeGroat

Toughest People to Love explores the basics of how people "tick," encouraging leaders to examine and take care of themselves so that they can better understand and care for others. Based on DeGroat's wealth of experience as a pastor, professor, and therapist, this book -- both wise and practical -- is one that countless leaders will go back to time and again for valuable insights and renewed vision.]]>

Genres: Counselling, Leadership, Theology, Nonfiction, Christian, Church, Faith

184 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 15, 2014

About the author

Chuck DeGroat is director of the counseling center at City Church in San Francisco, as well as academic dean of the Newbigin House of Studies. He also served as professor and director of spiritual formation at Reformed Theological Seminary in Orlando.

Reviews

[Ellie Dawson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Hard to give a balanced review of this - the first half was heartwarmingly practical and Biblical as the author brought his professional expertise as a psychotherapist to bear on pastoral ministry struggles. But the second half was a bit too mystical for my liking.

[Denise Ludwig · Rating 5 out of 5]

if you're looking for a compassionate, honest, gospel driven blend of therapy and theology read Chuck DeGroat.

[Allie Randall · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 ⭐️ this was a great read for a general overview of psychology in a leadership/ministry perspective. My favorite quote from the book was actually the words of St. Teresa of Ávila:
“Believe the incredible truth that the Beloved has chosen for his dwelling place the core of your own being because that is the single most beautiful place in all of creation”.
Mind=blown, and I want to remember this for loving myself and everyone that I encounter

[ISH · Rating 4 out of 5]

Different than expected, but definitely worth the time! The author summarizes the book in a benediction at the end of the book, two sentences struck me and proved important through the entire book: "My hope is that you're convinced now that it's more important to be found than fixed. My hope is that you see yourself as much in need of grace as those who cause you headaches every day." Enough food for thought...

[Dustin Turner · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a fantastic book! I don’t know why I didn’t read it sooner. It’s a mix between pastoral ministry/counseling and personal/pastoral ministry. Practical for personally growth as well as pastoral growth. Also full of resources!

[Graham Gaines · Rating 5 out of 5]

DeGroat's words are very helpful. His chapters on Rest (Ch 7) and Self-Care (Ch 8) are some of the best material I've read both on the subject and in seminary as a whole. I'm grateful that my professor assigned this text.

[Jacob · Rating 1 out of 5]

DeGroat's book was filled with some good advice for how to relate to people, but it was about 100 pages too long. He took five pages to say what could be said in a paragraph, and as a result large portions of this book are just platitudes and block quotes.

He also has a pretty bad take on Solomon's Ecclesiastes: "I'm reminded of the divergent paths taken by the very foolish, yet remarkably resilient, writer of the book of Ecclesiastes...His love was not cruciform, but self-consumed. His was the path of folly, a path that rejected the 'fear of the Lord'" (101). It's unfortunate the wisest man of the Jewish Scriptures is actually a fool who hates God (/s!!).

[Jodie Pine · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book to better understand and love those who are challenging to love. Counseling help for both others and ourselves, with examples from the church, home, and work place.

"The most effective leaders demonstrate integrity, lead transparently, and cultivate trust. So the challenge is this: We must gain a greater vision of our own lives, marked by honest self-understanding and a clear sense of how the significant themes of our stories will replay in the present."

[Grace · Rating 5 out of 5]

Found learning about the different types of people helpful, but honestly was wowed by the last third of the book. A well timed and very helpful read - makes me want to read more of his work

[Corey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was both delightful and painful. I felt known and I felt struck. This is a book about how to understand and love people who are very difficult to love. DeGroat walks through a variety of personality disorders ranging from Borderline, Obsessive-Compulsive, Narcissism, and other personality disorders with real life examples of each that he has counseled. He covers various addictions, and points out that everyone struggles with addiction at some level. I recognized certain people in his diagnoses, but I also felt known and could recognize myself as well. He cited some interesting neurological studies that demonstrated a neurological connection between being known and our overall health - that is the power of relationship and love. It's amazing how human beings were created to need to quite literally need love and relationship to thrive.

[Seth · Rating 3 out of 5]

Chuck’s Book: A Balanced Assessment


Chuck’s book contains a wealth of valuable insights, no doubt. However, I’d like to address a couple of critical points that deserve consideration.

1. The Message Version: Chuck’s reliance on The Message version or paraphrase might raise eyebrows for discerning readers. While it has its merits, some argue that it lacks the depth and precision found in translations directly drawn from the original biblical languages. As thoughtful readers, we should prioritize accuracy and nuance when engaging with sacred texts.

2. Clarity of Beliefs: Chuck’s exploration of various doctrines and theological perspectives can be both enlightening and perplexing. His openness to diverse influences may leave some wondering about the coherence of his personal convictions. A more focused theological stance could strengthen his message.

3. Language and Audience: Chuck’s use of language, including potentially questionable words, warrants reflection. As a Christian and pastor, he occupies a unique position of influence. While authenticity is essential, we must also consider the impact of our words on the audience. Striking a balance between relatability and reverence is crucial.

4. Hidden Heart Issues: Despite its flaws, Chuck’s book delves courageously into the complexities of human relationships. It not only addresses dealing with difficult people but also invites introspection. By examining our own hearts, we gain valuable insights into hidden struggles. Furthermore, the book equips us with grace-filled approaches to navigate these challenges.

In summary, Chuck’s work isn’t without merit—it offers profound self-awareness and practical wisdom. However, as discerning readers, let’s engage critically while appreciating its strengths.

[Ryan Linkous · Rating 3 out of 5]

DeGroat does a nice job helping ministry leaders (and others) confront their own baggage but also helps them navigate how to deal with and love the challenging people in our lives - those with personality disorders and who struggle with addiction. It's a helpful resource and does a pretty good job of straddling the relationship of sin and environment in people's lives. He at least tries to helpfully navigate the two, which is more than some can say.

His thesis is dependent upon people being able to become their "true self" because our sin in its variety of forms projects a false self. Personally, I think some of it is a bit excessive, but I also understand that's the language many people use today. However, he does a nice job weaving this into discussions about being made in God's image and how that is shattered due to sin.

Also, I think he puts a bit too much emphasis on yourself and your own badness. Having finished the book, I'm aware this could be a form of self-guarding. I definitely think self-awareness and repentance is important, but I just don't think the majority of "hard relationships" at least in my life and in the lives of my pastors are hard not primarily because of the pastor. It's a helpful reminder, but maybe DeGroat gave it more attention than this topic warranted.

[Steve Jaeger · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I'd had this book available during seminary and pastoral counseling classes. Even though it doesn't go into detail on any of its chapter subjects, the amount and kind of information DeGroat presents is what's needed for the actual work of pastoral ministry and spiritual formation. I also highly recommend Richard Plass & James Cofield's "The Relational Soul" for a more developed view on how to work this into your own life.

[Kristen Keeling · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Compassion does not ignore the truth. It enters into it, wrestles with it. It requires a solidity and strength of relationship with others which endures even in times of extraordinary difficulty. It invites us to a cruciform life—a life lived in the pattern of the suffering servant. The compassion of the incarnate Christ was not some kind of cosmic Band-Aid administered from a distant parent, but a stupendous act of solidarity and love. This is our invitation as well.”

[Chuck Barber · Rating 4 out of 5]

While written primarily for pastors, this is an appropriate book for anyone in leadership, or who deals with difficult people, or who is a difficult person.

Danger to avoid: There is a warning to beware of labeling everyone who meets the descriptions of various problematic personality types...we all have elements of these. The labels help us to understand, but do not define people.

[Danny Lamonte · Rating 5 out of 5]

Surprising & Freeing

The title is misleading because you think you are getting a book to help you deal with others, but it turns out the primary person we all need to deal with first and regularly is ourselves. Such an encouraging read for sinners (like me) & compassionate reminder to pastors (like me).

[Salvador Blanco · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fine book with great diagnosis and solutions for a variety of difficult personalities in ministry. I like that DeGroat doesn't just make others the problem. We need to examine ourselves as well.

Favorite quote:

"All unhealthy and dysfunctional styles of leadership have one thing in common: they're based in anxiety and control" (27).

[Ike Unger · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book incredibly helpful and timely. If you are a leader who has been wounded by people you lead this book is going to help you work through the pain. It will help you understand why people did what they did, how to address them, and most important, how to process what it did to you.

[Beth Bryant · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the best resources I’ve read for pastoral ministry and could also be a good resource for other contexts. Listened on Audible and then bought a paper copy so I can reread several chapters and take more time to reflect.

[Susan Mackenzie]

I cannot recommend this book, which appears to replace doctrine with psychobabble.

[Lindstromsteph Lindstrom · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved how DeGroat bases psychology & behavior patterns on the Gospel. He explains how tough people to love (including ourselves) hurt, behave, & live and how to love them, based on the Bible.

[Cody Barnhart · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m not a big leadership book kinda guy; this one is vulnerable and helpful. It’s more about how to be more human rather than be a better leader—but in the end, they are one and the same.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't agree with all of this theology, but this really was helpful in terms of understanding myself and others.

[Lacy]

DNF

[Mallory Johnson]

My favorite book from our Pastoral Care and Counseling required reading!!

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 ⭐️

[Robert D. Cornwall · Rating 4 out of 5]

Anyone who has been in leadership, especially pastoral leadership, knows that there are people who are difficult to love. Chuck DeGroat, Associate Professor of Pastoral care and counseling at Western Theological Sminary in Holland, MI, writes a book that will help us understand, lead and love those people who we find difficult to love. And yes, that includes ourselves.

The book is composed of three parts. DeGroat begins in Part 1, with the issue of understanding people. Here we have two chatpters, beginning with sharing a vision for those we lead, and then a chapter on understanding our story. In the first chapter, he invites us to move from a reactive mode of leadership, but a relational one. It's easier to love without people, but that's not reality. There will be, in every situation, people who are difficult to deal with. Rather than ignore them, he invites us to try to understand them, love them, and watch for transformation of them and us. That requires that we acknowledge that people are complex. We are the product of our environments, as well as our genes. Most of us care with us an invisible bag, filled with the stuff that weighs us down.

In Part Two, we focus more specifically on "leading and loving difficult people." In three chapters, DeGroat introduces us to four personality disorders, such as narcissism and border-line personalities. He shares how persons with these disorders can prove problematic and distracting. The same is true of persons with addictions. He subtitles this chapter: "loving in the dark." He speaks of addiction as an identity problem -- it is the result of a faulty attachment -- filling a need with something destructive, feeding the false self. From thre we move to loving the fool. This chapter title can be off-putting, but as DeGroat shows us -- we will encounter persons who "blightely acts in foolish of sinful ways with little or no understanding of where these actions come from in himself or what their consequences are for others" (p. 86). There are three kinds of fools, the simple fool, the self-consumed fool, and the sinister fool.

The third part of the book, builds on what went before, but turns the attention to ourselves, which "is the best help we can give another." In this section DeGroat helps us understand how to grow in the midst of pain -- the dark spaces in our lives. As I read this I was reminded of the recently published book by Barbara Brown Taylor Learning to Walk in the Dark: Because Sometimes God Shows Up at Night. There is value in recognizing the reality of darkness. He speaks of living with wholeness, includig the need for rest and resiliency. The final chapter focuses on self-care -- the art of shadow-boxing.

In order for us who are called to lead to respond appropriately -- in love -- for those who are difficult people, we must attend to ourselves. We must recognize our own darkness, our need for rest, and our need to care for ourselves -- physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

This is a very helpful book. It is good to have the kinds of people we encounter, the people who cause us grief, described. Understanding their personalities and their concerns helps us respond appropriately. It is good also to remember that we must take care of ourselves, recognizing our own addictions and personality disorders (or quirks). We too might be difficult to love.

Recommended.

[Stephen · Rating 4 out of 5]

The American church has awoken to the need to invest in its leaders. Christian leadership development has become it own cottage industry with accompanying books, conferences, and celebrities. I drank deeply from this movement. I bought the books, took furious notes as I listened to speakers tell me the 3 (or 5 or 7) key principles for my success as a leader. But as I matured and stepped into a pastoral vocation, I began to sense that it wasn’t enough. I needed more than principles or strategies to walk alongside my people in the way of Christ.
Chuck DeGroat’s Toughest People to Love: How to Understand, Lead, and Love the Difficult People in Your Life is a different kind of leadership book. At its core, DeGroat is wrestling with how to follow the greatest commandments – love God and love neighbor – when it isn’t easy, which is most of the time. Toughest People to Love dances between psychology, spiritual theology, and soulful leadership in its attempt to show a way to be a Christian in a position of leadership. Theologically, DeGroat’s vision is rooted in Creation and Redemption as a restoration of Creation. We are all created in the image of God, meant for intimate relationship with God and each other. Sin has shattered (but not obliterated) this image. Both by birth and choice, we continue to live into these fragmented and false versions of ourselves, which God is working to restore in Christ.
The book is divided into two major sections – dealing with difficult people and dealing with ourselves. Chuck offers practical wisdom for walking with people with addictions, personality disorders, and the generally foolish people we live, work, and worship with. However, the heart of the book lies in how we deal with ourselves – engaging our darkness and living toward wholeness.
Through his engagement with theologians and mystics, DeGroat manages to provide a vision for leadership that engages the soul without being self-centered. He is able to do maintain this balance because of larger theology. We were created for wholeness and intimacy. Avoiding our own dark places as leaders not only cuts off the healing we need for our own mission, but can seriously damage our ability to leader others into this life. He encourages the Christian leader to look intently in the mirror and invite God to work deeply in our lives.
Does Toughest People to Love say everything I want it to? No. There are times I wanted more systematic clarity on points of theology, but it is not that kind of book. Instead of a theological treatise, it is a spiritual invitation to loving our God with our whole heart and our neighbors as ourselves. And it is an invitation worth reading.

[Jason Kanz · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could put this book into the hands of every pastor and leader in the United States I would. Chuck DeGroat's Toughest People to Love: How to Understand, Lead, and Love the Difficult People in Your Life--Including Yourself (2014, Eerdmans) is a useful book on understanding people that has a high Christology and a realistic anthropology.

DeGroat opened the book by discussing the challenges of the pastorate. He pointed out that 80% of new pastors quit within 5 years. As I often say to my friends, people are messy. He discusses the ineffective ways that we tend to lead and why they don't work before he moves on to discuss our deep relationality and how understanding that is the foundation of all good leadership.

One of the terms that DeGroat introduced was "beautiful complexity"--that we are not only sinful, but God's image bearers. We must be careful of simplifying people and trying to fit them into neat theological boxes.

Part 2 which deals with "leading and loving difficult people" is particularly beneficial. Often, I think Christians are leery of psychological categories, but they can be helpful in dealing with people. As his friend Johnny LaLonde said to him, "Labels are helpful when they broaden our ability to understand and empathize with a person. They're destructive when they confine us and cause us to see the person more narrowly." Having said that, DeGroat introduces the reader to terms such as personality disorders (borderline, narcissistic, obsessive-compulsive, and histrionic) as well as addiction and foolishness.

As he continued through the book, he explored the benefit of the dark night of the soul, a call to wholeness, and useful spiritual disciplines. I particularly liked discipline 4: "The freedom to break the rules." I have been offering this piece of wisdom to some rigid folks I know and it helps them to discover a freedom they did not know was available.

Whether you are a pastor or not, whether you are a leader or not, I would strongly recommend this book. I have already recommended it to my pastor and will no doubt recommend it again.

[Steve · Rating 3 out of 5]

DeGroat is an excellent writer and has some marvelous stories to help unpack his points. As any pastor would recognize, the individuals and their pathologies exist in every congregation and in every organization. Whether clergy or laity, his work is a "good read" to help understand the pain such individuals are in and encourage a leader to a more compassionate and healthy response. I really like how he is always clear that a leader cannot change another person. Change is always an "inside out" transformational experience (which he feels is a Divine work). Therefore, no leader should have expectations set too high.

He's also got some great quotes from excellent sources. For a novice, he brings forward good theory matched to good research in the area of psychology and neurology.

That said, much of what he says is common sense and healthy theology. If we see others through a Divine and loving lens, it changes our approach. If we recognize standard management techniques don't apply to persons with deep pathologies, doing something else is always wise.

Overall, a good read; one I'd recommend to younger clergy.