La sottile arte di farsi i ca**i degli altri

by David R. Hamilton

Ascoltare chi ci sta vicino è l’unico modo davvero efficace per vincere lo stress e sentirsi meno soli
Chi l’ha detto che si sta meglio da soli e che l’importante nella vita è farsi i ca**i propri? I grandi filosofi ci insegnano che gli esseri umani sono animali sociali, nati per vivere insieme. E se lo stress che attanaglia le nostre vite fosse proprio causato dal fatto che non riusciamo più ad ascoltarci e a capirci l’un l’altro? Che cosa succederebbe se cominciassimo davvero a interessarci alle vite delle persone che abbiamo intorno, con premura e generosità? Secondo il dottor Hamilton, sarebbe l’inizio di una piccola rivoluzione. Le gentilezze – fatte, ricevute e persino viste – sono potenti elisir, che possono avere un impatto duraturo sulla nostra salute fisica e mentale. Distendono i nervi, abbassano la pressione sanguigna, riducono le infiammazioni e riescono perfino a rallentare l’invecchiamento. La gentilezza chiama interessarci agli altri è un modo concreto per essere più felici e arricchire la nostra anima, sentendoci meno soli.
In un mondo sempre più apatico e individualista, farsi i ca**i degli altri è rivoluzionario.
Soli, stressati, travolti dalle nostre vite frenetiche e ansiose. Possiamo cambiare tutto questo? La risposta è sì. Basta farsi i ca**i degli altri. Non sui social, ma per davvero.
«Questo libro dovrebbe essere il nostro pane quotidiano!»
Julie Smith - autrice bestseller del Sunday Times


David R. Hamilton
Chimico, dal 1995 ha lavorato nell’industria farmaceutica sviluppando medicinali contro il cancro.Nel 1999 ha lasciato il suo lavoro per diventare speaker motivazionale. Fondatore di un ente benefico internazionale, è stato tra gli organizzatori del festival di pace Spirit Aid. È stato anche docente universitario di chimica ed ecologia. Dedica la maggior parte del suo tempo alla scrittura, a conferenze e seminari, ed è autore di libri di successo sulla gentilezza, l’amor proprio e il potere della mente. La Newton Compton ha pubblicato La sottile arte di farsi i ca**i degli altri.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Personal Growth

213 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 25, 2025

About the author

David has a first class honors degree in chemistry, specializing in biological and medicinal chemistry. He has the slightly geeky honour of having achieved 100% in his 3rd year university degree exam in ‘Statistical Mechanics’, which is a branch of quantum physics applied to chemistry.

After completing his PhD, he worked for 4 years in the pharmaceutical industry, first developing drugs for cardiovascular disease and cancer, then a year managing leadership and change projects. During this time he also served as an athletics coach and manager of Sale Harriers Manchester, one of the UK’s largest athletics clubs, leading the Junior Men’s team to three successive UK finals. Upon leaving the pharmaceutical industry, he co-founded the international relief charity Spirit Aid Foundation and served as a director for 2 years.

While writing his first book (2004-2005), he taught chemistry (main) plus ecology and mathematics (secondary) at West College Scotland (formerly, James Watt College of Further and Higher Education) and tutored chemistry at the University of Glasgow.

He’s now a bestselling author of 8 books (No’s 9 and 10 are due out in 2017) published by Hay House UK, and offer talks and workshops that use science to inspire – fusing neuroscience, the mind-body connection, kindness, and philosophical and eastern spiritual teachings. He also writes a regular blog on his website as well as occasional blogs for the Huffington Post (US edition) and Psychologies Life Labs, and is a columnist for Soul and Spirit Magazine. In 2016, David won the Kindred Spirit, ‘Best MBS Writer Award’.

He has been featured in numerous publications, including ELLE, RED Magazine, Psychologies, YOU Magazine, Good Housekeeping (both UK & US), and several newspapers.

You might wonder how he got into writing on the subjects he does. In his own words, “Well, during my time in the pharmaceutical industry, I was fascinated by the placebo effect – how people improve through believing they are receiving a drug – so I began to study mind-body interactions in my spare time. I decided to leave the pharmaceutical industry after 4 years because I wanted to educate about the mind-body connection, help people to believe in themselves more, and spread a little more kindness in the world in my own way.”

Reviews

[Chris Boutté · Rating 5 out of 5]

This didn’t know what to expect from this book, but I was blown away by it. Usually, books that talk about kindness can come off pretty cheesy, but this was awesome. David Hamilton teaches the reader about how kindness not only helps others, but it helps us too. In addition to turning to some research to back his arguments, he also discusses Buddhist philosophy and some other interesting topics. This is a great read, and I highly recommend it.

[Deborah Anderson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Truly amazing. I listened to this book as an audiobook over a period of a month when I had some me time. I love the idea of kindfulness, being kind to others as well as to yourself. There are examples given throughout the book.
I did feel that all politicians should be made to read this book and then practice what they have read but maybe that’s my last unkind thought? I will try to incorporate kindfulness whenever possible.
Thank you for writing such an amazing book!!

[Seamus Corry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr David R Hamilton thank you so much for writing this amazing book. Its packed of Kindfulness and Kindlines we can all use to brighten our days, reduce stress and create kindipples (one more for the dictionary editors).

I will gift you that one. Well worth a read. From one Trekkie to another. Live long and prosper my friend

[Daniela Damoc (Nechifor)]

Could-not-finish

Turns out I have a type of "author" that pisses me off. The friendly one that is present in the book. Please, man, write an autobiography if you want to share personal anecdotes and personal preferences, not a book that wants to present a theory and give self-help tips and interpret some research or experiments results.... or whatever this so-called book was intended to be.

I could only force myself up (down?) to page 65 and I read nothing of value so far. Instead I now know quite a few things about this guy that I never heard of before and who's life is of zero interest to me. Feels as if the main idea could've been just a slightly longer article. But, nooo, somebody needs to be called an author.

******

PS: I tried to force a kind review and it turned out bitter again, sorry. Feels like sometimes it's ok to not give a fuck 👌🙃

[Marissa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had such high expectations for this one and was heavily let down. Caught myself wanting to skim the contents when I got to the end just to be done with the book all together.

The whole premise is to practice kindness as much as possible in daily life, but it was SOOO redundant, the same thing was said 243562w346 times and maybe I just already know how important being kind is, so I didn't need a refresher but either way......would not recommend per se. If someone is called to read this, I wouldn't say it was bad but just not the book for me.

Takeaways: (Why I gave 2 stars because I did have some good takeaways!)

-majority of humans are just trying to figure it out with the common goal of attempting to be as happy as possible
-its not the actual events of kindness, its how we interpret them
-taking the high road always feels better
-there are times when it takes more strength to be kind, then to react aggressively
-check in with yourself like how you would check in with a friend (common theme I am seeing throughout my self help journey)
-ups and downs are normal: written into human experience (like the waves, breath, heart beat, night and day)
-some major problems like systematic inequality, won't only benefit from a gentle nudge it requires a collective movement
-look at learning as something that enhances you, not something you HAVE to do
-everyone benefits from kindness-ripple effect
-acknowledge your mistakes and apologize

[Madalina Marincas · Rating 1 out of 5]

Unfortunately the book is a collection of clichés. One after another, supported by little examples (which most of the times remain general).

This book could have been an article.

Note: I read this book in Romanian. I think the translation made it even worse, as some phrasal verbs were translated word by word and they meaningless for a native Romanian.

[Karsten Jahn · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not my vibe…

[Allie Samuels · Rating 3 out of 5]

Felt repetitive

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this read and found it insightful.

"Remember just as flowers need both sunshine and rain to grow, we need a mix of experience to truly blossom. Next time you're feeling a bit under the weather, say to yourself. This, too, shall pass, and after the rain, flowers will bloom. Stay vibrant, and always keep your chin up!"
"No rain, no flowers."

[Steve Vaughn]

This is a practical account on how being kind benefits everyone.

It is like, here is a checklist for good health:
- get lots of sleep
- excercise daily
- limit your caloric intake
- eat good food
- don't text while driving
- be kind to yourself and others.

I enjoyed the book

[Celly De Cuyper · Rating 3 out of 5]

Awesome concept, gets a bit repetitive though and didn't appreciate the hypocrisy of having advertisements for mental health apps after describing the destructive capitalist nature of said apps in the book...

[Polina D · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another great book by David R. Hamilton, definitely worth reading it, great reminder for the importance of kindness!

[Neil M · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book and David Hamilton research, style and approach, highly recommended!

[Annika Tyson · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is not my usual genre, though I did mostly enjoy it.

Some things I liked:
-Chapter 6 in its entirety was my favorite chapter of the book.
-The narrator would use personal stories from interactions in his own life, showing that even a small interaction can have a rippling effect on others.
-I like the challenge aspect of this book. It explains everything, and throughout the book, challenges the reader to test these theories by conducting kindness in everything they do.
-I liked the historical references that tied into what the author was emphasizing, such as the UK TV show from the 80s that brought the WWII hero together with all the children he saved years later.


Some things I struggled with:
-As others have mentioned, the book can seem very repetitive at times.
-It does have a heavy emphasis on the biology and science behind the brains reaction to the scenarios that the author presented. This could be fine for some readers, but I struggled to follow along. Ironically, it could also be entirely vague at times, which was a little puzzling.
-This was a stylistic choice, but I don’t like an interrupting narrator. There were a few times in the book that the narrator would add a personal opinion or two into a paragraph that really had nothing to do with the rest of the paragraph or the science behind what was being explained.
-I disagree with being kind to everyone. I think everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt at first meeting and kindness should be the default, but if someone is bullying you (to use an example from the book!), I don’t think they deserve unbridled kindness in return. I know the book addresses this in a later chapter by talking about kindness with boundaries, but if someone is a jerk, I believe in returning that energy 110%. Forget about the high road. If someone pushes me off the swings at recess, I’m not stopping to hold the door open for them to go back inside. It can slam shut in their faces, you know what I mean?

Overall, I did enjoy the book, but it wasn’t exactly what I thought it would be from reading the synopsis. Still an interesting read that has certainly made me think a little differently about my actions and interactions since picking it up.

[Lenaasty · Rating 2 out of 5]

was really hoping for better. i am a firm believer in radical kindness and gratitude and how much it improves life for the one doing it and the ones receiving it, yet this is not going to be a very nice review because I truly struggled my way through this book.

the writing style and the neverending comparisons are so simplistic ("kindness is like the sauce on apple pie" "it's like the ... of life" x10) it made me want to pick up a classic for something with actual well-written sentences (and I've read other self-help books, this is not me discovering the genre).

this was 250 pages of platitudes mixed with an overwhelming amount of scientific research. i felt like I was reading a post-grad research paper all over again and after writing mine I'd be glad if I never have to read that again.

the only times my brain lit up with some interest and enlightenment about kindness that I hadn't thought of before was when the author quoted proverbs ("Persons are persons through other persons" zulu proverb) or writers ("Kindness is the language that the deaf can hear and the blind can see" Mark Twain).

this reminded me of why I don't read books written by men (besides Stephen King) this felt very much like "men discover empathy at 25 while girls discover it at 8 years old"

[Adaya Medina · Rating 3 out of 5]

siendo un libro de autoayuda, tiene cositas interesantes.
Me gusta que sus datos sean de estudios médicos y que las principales dirrecciones provienen del budismo.

En sí, el libro nos dice que tenemos que volver a ser amables, en ser empaticos. En criar a personas que de adultos puedan vivir en comunidad, y no como ahora que cada uno va a su bola, y si ven a alguien que necesita ayuda, se dan media vuelta y se piran.

[Lightwhisper · Rating 4 out of 5]

Li a versão portuguesa da editora Pergaminho, O prazer de não se estar nas tintas, e achei-o muito científico e prático, ao que gostei, mas demasiado repetitivo sobre o mindfulness.. embora dite as vantagens e desvantagens e introduza o conceito de kindfulness :)

[Louise · Rating 5 out of 5]

Oerhört intressant forskning och presenterat på ett lätt sätt.

[Fiona · Rating 4 out of 5]

gives you purpose and courage to be kind to assholes even when it's not deserved by showing you how YOU actually feel better when you make OTHERS feel good aswell

[Ms Helen T-D · Rating 5 out of 5]

I always love to listen to one of David’s books on my dog walks.
Soothing tones, sensible advice lots of wisdom & a nice sprinkle of science

[Les Kerr · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not done yet. Savouring it piece by piece as part of my morning day starting exercises.

[Ruby Lay · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of those books that you finish and find yourself thinking and talking about over the next few weeks in that funny way of “it’s so interesting, I just read in a book…”. I listened to the audiobook which is read by Hamilton himself with a glorious Scottish accent and cherished every moment.

An anecdote that has stayed with me in the months since I first read/heard it is when he shares a time where he made a mistake while driving to meet his terminally ill father for a doctor’s appointment and another driver showed him patience & kindness rather than aggression so beautifully he burst into tears. Since then, whenever I find myself getting frustrated or irritated by a bad driver he pops into my head and I immediately calm down. It’s so easy to be kind but in this setting in particular it’s sometimes easier to be mad.

I think this book would have different takeaways for different people. I actively try to be kind and adored his takes on the benefits of “kindfulness” as well as his allowance of the fact that you don’t have to be perfect and never angry to still see benefits of being kind. I didn’t know much of the science behind kindness & happiness and appreciated the blend of medical/scientific information and the more philosophical side of mindfulness and empathy.

Would absolutely recommend (and especially in the audio format).

[Ania · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book about kindness. It included the science behind stress, empathy and kindness. Then it gave easy to apply strategies and reminders how to live your life. It was a good book to finish as the year starts and there are opportunities for change.

[L-J Evans · Rating 5 out of 5]

An AMAZING book that I shall make everyone I know read - using kindness, of course.

[My only (tiny) criticism is that the book was obviously written for an American audience & could do with a good editing for British culture & language differences.]