Ranchman

by Derek Thomas

Bobby Sims is a former high school star athlete. Now, in his mid-thirties, he is down on his luck and full of rage. So much hate that he begins a series of violent acts just because he doesn't like the way people use a very popular condiment.
Suddenly, he has a chance to get back with his lost love. He knows this will fix all his problems. His once-promising life will be back on track ... finally.

A tragic tale of lost love, reconciliation, revenge and murder.

This is extreme horror. It is not for everyone.

138 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 9, 2025

Reviews

[Shannon Reviews · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has got to be the first book of 2025 that I didn’t want to put down as it was that good! Thankfully this book hasn’t ruined my liking for ranch or made me question what’s in it lol but I just want to warn you. That it might make you not like it! Only thing I can say is this: please let there be a book 2 cause that ending bro!!! I need to know what happened.

[Lia's Haunted Library · Rating 3 out of 5]

(3.5; rounded down)

Guess who’s not ordering takeout tonight and actually cooking? Me. Because this book will make you think about food in ways you didn’t expect. Condiments: are they there to enhance the flavor or to bury it?

Our main character has very strong feelings about that question… strong enough to kill for. What starts as a petty “screw you” experiment turns into something more: a secret sauce so good people can’t stop using it. Yes, the secret ingredients are disgusting.

But Ranchman isn’t just about food and murder; it’s also about obsession, a twisted love story with his ex, and the strange, messed-up ways people try to reconnect.

[Corrina Morse · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is my second book by Derek now, and he is proving to be one to watch! His entrance into the extreme horror world has been brutal, sick, twisted, and depraved. It's had me howling with laughter and struggling not to vomit. And ultimately, it's left me with some very satisfying new reads to add to my bookcase….and my nightmares!

Derek's scene setting and character building are excellent, this story flows like the secret ingredient in a ranch dressing...smoothly blended, and packing a disgusting punch!

Ranchman is a kind of twisted love story, involving a man taken to the brink of sanity, and right over the edge. It covers guilt, regret, desperation, anger and revenge. And buckets of the white stuff.

Bobby really hates people that abuse ranch dressing, especially his own special recipe...this leads to a lot of rage and spur of the moment punishments being dished out. Punishments that are senseless and brutal and pretty ingenious.

Justice is served, along with a large side of ranch!

It's immediately gross, and it escalates, fast! All while being accompanied by a pretty awesome soundtrack.

Such a fun, easy read, that did not go where I expected it to, in fact it (b)ranched out in several unexpected and disturbing directions.

Like Barker's Books of Blood, only with ranch dressing and ink!

So be warned, ranch abuse will NOT be tolerated!

[renee w · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bobby is in his mid 30s and he’s a sandwich artist with a bad attitude and a hell of a vendetta for the way people use ranch dressing. He suddenly finds himself without a job, on a rampage and nonstop thinking of his high school girlfriend. Funny enough, she finds herself thinking of him. Bobby wants to rekindle and start a new life with his old flame. She on the other hand wants much more. This was a really funny, gross, gory, and all-around entertaining read. Definitely makes one ? their use of dressings . Thanks so much to Derek Thomas for the early read. I only recommend this to those who enjoy extreme horror . Releases Feb 9th !

[Tonya Hall · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is by far one of my favorite reads. I got this as an ARC, and I very much enjoyed it. It was a short read but had plenty of moments that left me speechless. The characters were interesting, the story was easy to follow, and it definitely invoked a feeling in me 🤢. Let's just say I will definitely be re-thinking my sauce options for my food from here on out!!!

[Sara Ferrarese · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I didn't have the same visceral reaction that other people have reported to this story, I'll admit this is a pretty gross one. If you're easily offended, or if you're the type of person to drown your food in ranch dressing, I wouldn't recommend reading this. Unless, of course, you're trying to curb your ranch addiction and eat healthier. I don't think it'll stop me from eating ranch when I feel like it, but I do agree with Derek Thomas that blue cheese is the superior choice anyway, so I didn't eat it that often before. I am, however, left with a burning desire to know what made Bobby hate ranch so much that he felt the need to go on a killing spree over it. Seems a little excessive, if you ask me.

[paige · Rating 5 out of 5]

Have you or a loved one fallen ill due to Shadow Ranch Valley’s *special* Ranch Dressing? You may be entitled to financial compensation.

In all seriousness, I’d never read an extreme horror that got 5 stars from me until I read Ranchman by Derek Thomas. Outside of all the gross stuff, there’s still a super solid story with a great twist at the end that you’ll never see coming.

If you’re addicted to ranch, think of this as a Ranch Anonymous book. It has a 99% chance of making you cringe at ranch in your future endeavors. Derek’s writing is incredibly creative and he’s succeeds at writing characters you’ll love to hate! I definitely recommend this book to those not faint of heart.

[Savannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ranchman is a tour de force, taking over the world of extreme horror, one mercilessly squirt of ranch at a time. Written by none other than Derek Thomas, the author of horror-comedy Blood Brawl, Ranchman is a total one-eighty from Thomas’s usual fare, but dare I say, it may need to become the norm!
Bobby Sims is one of THOSE guys. You know the type—peaked in high school and, upon failure to recapture their glory days, become a cesspool of seething rage. Yup. That’s the kind of pond scum Bobby Sims is. Instead of turning to drugs, alcohol, or living it up with the equally washed-up cheerleader, Bobby decides to take his emotions out on those he deems culpable of the most heinous offense. Is it adultery, assault, kicking a puppy? Oh no, nothing as mundane as all that. Bobby Sims’s cardinal sin is RANCH.
Hidden Valley. Buttermilk. Homemade. None of it matters on Bobby’s tirade. Ranch has its place on the condiment shelf, used sparingly across a bed of leafy greens. But used to drown that same salad, or gasp, for steak, and you will incur the wrath of Ranchman!
Thomas pulls no punches as Bobby spills copious amounts of ranch, blood, and cum across the pages of this grotesque gallery of food crimes. This book is NOT for the faint of heart. There are graphic descriptions of sexual assault, murder, and general gore. Things are done that cannot be unread, and if you’re a highly visual reader like myself, unseen. If this book doesn’t make you gag and second guess your helping of ranch dressing, I don’t know if we read the same book.
A sandwich artist hellbent on revenge, Ranchman will change your view on anyone ordering an extra side of ranch. This book is unhinged, but it's not gross purely for the sake of gross. I was amazed at the level of detail and backstory Derek so painstakingly injected into the pages. For such a short read, this easily felt like a full-fledged novel with the craft of the story telling.

[Sally · Rating 5 out of 5]

I know it's early in the year, but I'm fairly certain that Ranchman will end up being the nastiest book I will read in 2025. Both vile and brutal, this book doesn't hold back from offering up almost all of the triggers. I will say that there was no CSA or animal harm, so that's a plus for me!

Bobby works at a sandwich shop and has perfected a new recipe for the ranch dressing they use. And it's a doozy!! However, he becomes enraged upon noticing his customers are using it improperly. Bobby sets out on a killing spree of epic proportions. At the same time, he and his ex-girlfriend from high school rekindle their former flame. The main characters are superbly crafted, and we learn even more about their backstory through well written flashbacks.

The story is compelling, and the writing style is very easy to read. The twist at the end shocked the hell out of me, I did NOT see that coming!

Highly recommend for lovers of EXTREME horror. Check your triggers, this is definitely for seasoned Extreme/ Splatter readers.

[Jules Terry · Rating 5 out of 5]

I spent many moments speechless during the 119 pages. I definitely support having strong feelings of hatred toward specific foods, but I can’t even say that is what Bobby is experiencing. This is 10/10 extreme. I will never look at ranch dressing, or most condiments, the same ever again. I will look over my shoulder when ordering an extra side of any condiment. If I didn’t know and love Derek as well as I did, I would be worried about who ruined ranch for him. I get it though, sometimes, things are excessive. What I loved about Ranchman is the amount of backstory and detail that was packed into the pages. At first, you may wonder why… BUT WHY??? Don’t worry, you’ll understand.

[Jordan Lancaster · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extreme horror is not a sub-genre I normally read or enjoy, so to give this one five stars is a big deal for me. It was gross, brutal, and disturbing. It was also fun (though I feel weird saying that this horrible tale was fun) and exciting to read. The story flowed well and I kept wanting to read about this absolutely horrible person. The ending was great and delivered everything I hoped. This one is definitely a tough read and if you’re sensitive to violence, gory, and sexual assault then this might not be for you. If you have more of a tolerance for those topics, this one is a quick, entertaining read!

[DA · Rating 4 out of 5]

I want to start this review with I've never felt more personally attacked by a book before and I don't know how to feel about that. I'm not going to go into detail but I'll just say I would DEFINITELY have been one of Bobby's victims!
As for the story itself, it was raunchy, vile, disturbing and disgusting! The part with the tacos made me squirm in not a good way. The ending was very clever, something I didn't see coming.
If you like ranch dressing you may feel differently after reading this book. You've been warned!

[Jessie Raven · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bobbie works in a sandwich shop and ends up getting fired due to his anger towards people using sauces unreasonably. When reminiscing his ex girlfriend he goes to where she lives and drink. What happens when she notices him after all this time?

This is extreme. Completely not what I was expecting from the cover. For this mans second release he did an incredible job. Twists I didn't see coming and torture scenes described extremely well. The only issue I had with this was the ending was rather abrupt. I would have liked to have a little bit more at the end but otherwise a brilliant book!

[Michael Stone · Rating 5 out of 5]

Welp. I just went to my fridge and dumped all my ranch. I don’t think I can eat it anymore after the images he conjured in my head. Derek’s prose is simple and punchy, which allows him to paint the story beautifully. His prose combined with short chapters helped me fly through the book in a couple hours.

Ranchman is depraved, vile, brutal, and oddly satisfying. The ending delivers a payoff worthy of the extreme content Derek sustains throughout the book.

[Sian Fuller · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m never eating ranch again 😭

[Kayden · Rating 4 out of 5]

I too get intrusive thoughts about people with weird eating habits, especially if they're magaheads🫡