Big Girls Don't Cry: A Memoir About Taking Up Space

by Susan Swan

Where do we belong if we don’t fit in?

A memoir about what it means to defy expectations as a woman, a mother and an artist, for readers of Joan Didion and Gloria Steinem and listeners of the podcast Wiser than Me

Susan Swan has never fit inside the boxes that other people have made for her—the daughter box, the wife box, the mother box, the femininity box. Instead, throughout her richly lived, independent decades, she has carved her own path and lived with the consequences.

In this revealing and revelatory memoir, Swan shares the key moments of her life. As a child in a small Ontario town, she was defined by her size—attracting ridicule because she was six-foot-two by the age of twelve. She left her marriage to be a single mother and a fiction writer in the edgy, underground art scene of 1970s Toronto. In her forties, she embraced the new freedom of the Aphrodite years. Despite the costs to her relationships, Swan kept searching for the place she fit, living in the literary circles of New York while seeking pleasure and spiritual wisdom in Greece, and culminating in the hard-won experience of true self-acceptance in her seventies.

Swan examines the expectations of women of her generation and beyond using the lens of her then-unusual height as a metaphor for the way women are expected not to take up space in the world. Inspiring and thought-provoking, Big Girls Don’t Cry invites us to re-examine what we’ve been taught to believe about ourselves and ask how it could be different.

Genres: Nonfiction, Canada, Memoir

272 pages, Hardcover

Published May 27, 2025

About the author

Journalist, feminist, novelist, activist, teacher, Susan Swan’s critically acclaimed fiction has been published in twenty countries including the US, the UK, Spain, the Netherlands, and Russia. She is a co-founder of the Carol Shields Prize for Fiction, the largest literary award in the world for women.
 
Swan’s new book, Big Girls Don’t Cry: A Memoir about Taking Up Space, was published by HarperCollins in Canada and Beacon Press in the US in May 2025. Big Girls Don’t Cry tells the story of how Swan’s Amazonian size shaped her life. To be tall is to be big and to be big is a no-no for women of all sizes, Swan writes. Nobel Prize winner Olga Tokarczuk says of Swan’s writing that it offers “not only an enjoyable read but the chance to think and reflect on the vast complex living entity that is the world.” 

Swan’s other books of fiction include The Dead Celebrities Club (2019), a fascinating account of a Toronto-born tycoon jailed for fraud in the US; The Western Light (2012), a story about a girl’s love for a dubious father substitute who is also an ex-NHL star and convicted murderer; What Casanova Told Me (2004), a novel that links two women from different centuries through a long-lost journal about travels with Casanova in Italy, Greece and Turkey; Stupid Boys are Good to Relax With (1996), a collection of short stories about young women and how they relate to men; The Wives of Bath (1993), an international bestseller about a murder in a girls’ boarding school; The Last of the Golden Girls (1989), a novel about the sexual awakening of young women in an Ontario cottage country; and The Biggest Modern Woman of the World (1983), a saucy portrait of the real-life Victorian giantess Anna Swan who exhibited with P.T. Barnum.

A retired professor emerita at York University, Swan mentors creative writing students at the University of Toronto. As York’s Millennial Robarts Chair in Canadian Studies, she hosted the successful Millennial Wisdom Symposium in Toronto featuring writers and historians debating the lessons of the past. As a former chair of The Writers’ Union of Canada, Swan brought in a new benefits deal for Canadian writers and self-employed Canadians in the arts.

Susan Swan makes her home and garden in Toronto’s Annex neighbourhood.

Reviews

[Giles Blunt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book tremendously. It's much more than a presentation of memories. Really, it's an extended personal essay in the vein of masters like Susan Sontag and Joan Didion. To be sure, as a staunch second-wave feminist Swan has lots of tart memories about men, but most of the difficulties--even those that must've been painful and angering at the time--are presented with tenderness and compassion. Swan is more than adept at self-criticism--a painful but necessary trait in an author, but especially a memoirist. Yes, she's a feminist, but not an ideologue; she is perfectly able to understand and present opposing points of view or values without ridiculing them. In short, reading this book you are in the company of the most delightful kind of intellectual--passionate, imaginative, and broad-minded, but also level-headed and practical. Swan is such a long-established figure that many Canadians will think they know her pretty well, but she reveals a lot that I certainly did not know. She had (has?) a wild side that was great fun to read about. I highly recommend this book, and if I were a bookseller I'd be pressing it into the hands, especially, of young women. It definitely left me with the sense that, hey, feeling a bit of an oddball is far from the worst that can happen, and a woman--short, tall, or other--is a damn fine thing to be. And suddenly I'm seeing tall women everywhere.

[Laurie Burns · Rating 4 out of 5]

In this memoir, about being a tall woman and taking up space, as well as life and living and self discovery, Swan also explores some of the more famous “giants” in our past and muses on what their lives must have been like- (and two from Nova Scotia-represent!) As a fellow tall (6 feet) I know what it’s like to be big when all you want to do is not be noticed. I was the tallest person at my elementary school (including the teachers!) and at that age I just wished to shrink and be 5’4 and be “normal”. Now, at almost 42, I stand tall and proud, but gosh darn it has taken some work. When I left my smaller town to move to Halifax for university I only dated super tall men, haunting basketball games, believing that height meant everything. Naive yes, but oh, don’t we all sometimes want to feel small? Swan recognizes the joy of seeing yourself in others, and writes in beautiful lines about becoming okay with who you are. I loved it.

[sana · Rating 3 out of 5]

read this after interviewing the author, who used to teach at my school. because of that, her story felt special and will live close to my heart forever.

[Enid Wray]

Oh dear - I'm first... with a less than stellar review... Sigh...

I really like the authors fiction - I didn't feel the same about this title.

I found it to be very repetitive and disjointed. I'll leave it at that.

[Talia Rocca · Rating 2 out of 5]

I so wanted to love this book but if I was someone who could dnf books, this would probably be a victim. I struggled to follow along with the constant jumping of timelines, what felt like irrelevant stories, and the whole book being very repetitive. The premise behind the story with the message of learning to take up space as a tall woman in the world is something I connect with and so I just wish this was done differently.

[Lynn Zoia · Rating 2 out of 5]

Got this in a Giveaway and I was so looking forward to reading this memoir. I was always the tall girl, from gradeschool thru most of high school, when the boys and a few girls caught up or passed me. Swan is 4 inches taller than I, but I was interested in her take on being the biggest person in the room.
Instead of an interesting, hopefully entertaining book, it's kinda dry. Like a college lecture. And she repeats a few things almost verbatim, which had me looking to see if I somehow lost my page and fell back a bit. I hadn't.
The takeaway is a good one, really. Be confident and don't let others decide who you are or what you can do. But I can't really recommend it, unless you're writing a paper.

[Virginia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was so happy to get my hands on this Canadian writer’s memoir and have just devoured it. Susan Swan is a lovely woman of immense stature in so many ways and this is just charming. It's more a collection of essays about different eras of her life, glossing over some events and repeating others several times. In the end, it's more than the sum of its parts, a book of meeting things head on and “moving on” and I so relate to that (we learn useful things as we get older, usually way past the time when we could have used them effectively.) I was entertained and moved by the diary project and what was learned from it, and was overjoyed to be reminded of Dingbat calendars of our Canadian childhoods - I’ve thought of them over the years but didn’t know the name of the artist or his busy little creatures to research them. Most of all it was enlightening to be reading about another introspective woman with an out-of-the-norm body in a restrictive, size Medium world. It was interesting to read about the author’s experiences with Goddess theory author Carol Christ and their adventures in Greece. The Goddess movement isn’t something I knew anything about but I love that the author found a great deal of fulfillment learning about it with her adult daughter. I didn't get as much value out of the foreword by Margaret Atwood, but it illustrates that Canadian women gotta stick together right now, eh?
A good summer read, and I’m prompted to revisit at least some of Susan Swan’s earlier novels. 3 1/2 stars

[Denisele · Rating 2 out of 5]

I won this book in a good reads giveaway. I didn't know anything about this author before reading the book and I honestly signed up for it without even knowing what it's about. I identify as a tall - although not quite as tall as the author and some of the tall women she talks about... I'm really more in between - regular in seams are too short and tall inseams are just a fraction too long- but either way I quickly identified with the premise. I also reflect and think a lot about taking up space as a woman leader in a traditional, male-oriented workplace - especially the distinction between being assertive and being aggressive, and would the definition of those two be the same for a male counterpart? overall, the writing though did seem a little bit repetitive and at times I was getting lost between past storytelling and current observations. I also thought the messaging got a little mixed up at times between a person's size, parental impact, exploring sexuality, defining success, taking care of ourselves, etc..... so I finished it not quite knowing what I was supposed to have taken away from the book.

[Jenny Dean · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a vertically challenged woman, I eagerly read this articulate and superbly written memoir. But I discovered it is more than a memoir. It’s an intelligent and articulate exploration of not just being too big, but the many challenges all women face. Taking up too much space, being too loud, too intelligent, too fearless and thus to some, too scary. Knowing what you really want and going for it. The author deftly categorizes the boxes that women have been placed in throughout their lives. So often trying to live up to some kind of expectation and not always to their true selves. It is a brilliant exploration of what women desire and due to personal, societal pressures, deny themselves the fulfillment and success they yearn. And deserve. Swan is heroic yet vulnerable. I discovered so much about myself through her journey. I wish this insight and wisdom was available to me when I was young woman. It is a fascinating and inspiring read at any stage of life.

[Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don’t like rating someone’s memoir. I also am not familiar with the author at all, which after finishing the book, am a little embarrassed to say.

I picked up this book because the author is Canadian and she will be at the Vancouver Writers Festival this fall (October 2025). I carefully went through the Writers Festival Reading List and have tried to get as many as I can out of the library to read in advance of the festival. This one interested me because growing up, I was always the tall girl. But I’m short compared to the author and probably pretty average in North America now at just barely 5’8”.

I can’t say this book captivate me. My mind kept wandering off and I’d have to go back and re-read bits.

It was ok but it did make me curious out her fiction novels and I will get those out of the library…. Maybe this winter, after the Writers Festival.

[Sylvia Sutherland · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed “Big Girls Don’t Cry” tremendously. In it, author Susan Swan tells of the resistance she has shown all her life at being squeezed into a box because of her size ( she was 6’2” in grade 8), her gender, and her background growing a doctor’s daughter up in small town Ontario. Throughout all her life, as a journalist, teacher, mother, novelist, and university professor, she has carved her own path. It was not easy, but it sure was exciting. With the skill she has demonstrated in her novels, she takes us from the Midland, ON of the 1950s to the Toronto and New York of the 1970s and beyond. From a house on Hugel Avenue in Midland to a cave in Greece. She shows both her strength and her vulnerability with uncompromisingly honestly. I am glad I went along on the journey,

[Elinor · Rating 5 out of 5]

This author's lot in life is always to be the tallest woman in the room. That has shaped not only the way she is viewed by others, but her own sense of self. At some point she decided to stop wishing she were different, and to own it. Although height is the underlying theme, this book is a loose collection of memories and experiences and observations drawn from her eight decades on earth. Susan Swan is an acclaimed Canadian author who possesses the Order of Canada, so she requires no recommendation from me regarding her ability to tell a good story. When written well, every woman's memoir is interesting and this one especially so. Her friend Margaret Atwood wrote the foreword to the book.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this in a day at a cottage, and liked this better than I thought I would. Someone lent it to me due to my height, thinking it might resonate. It did, but the reflections on height are more like metaphors for not fitting into cultural boxes, which was interesting. I liked the sections where she works in the performance art scene in Toronto in the 70s, and when she goes on an Greece/Aphrodite trip in the 80s/90s. Fun!

[Nancy Backas · Rating 5 out of 5]

While Susan is taller than I am, it resonated so profoundly with me. I was a tall girl, the tallest in grade school, until other caught up with me, most not until high school. I know how it feels to be a bit of a freak. I also loved her take on the volatile and exciting sixties and early seventies. It filled in some gaps for me since I was younger and not as much in the fray. The book is insightful, honest and revealing. Such a fun read, especially about her times in Greece.

[Valerie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved Susan Swan’s superlative biography Big Girls Don’t Cry. Woman of all sizes can relate to the idea of how we take up space in the world.
As a side note a big chunk of the time while I was reading I was hearing Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons singing in my head. But in my weird brain they were singing Walk Like a Man. 😂

[Shannon · Rating 2 out of 5]

This Canadian memoir didn't hit for me. I do appreciate a woman rebelling against societal norms and shouting that it's okay to be BIG and LOUD but overall I just wasn't that invested or interested in her story, much to my chagrin. Maybe it will work for others but it was a miss to me.

[Bridgette · Rating 5 out of 5]

*well-written and informative
*raw, honest and inspiring
*this is a book that belongs on the bookshelves of all women
*highly recommend

[Marc · Rating 2 out of 5]

Swan really wants to write about her bohemian adulthood but knows that won’t get read without a few chapters of tough childhood experiences

[Annie · Rating 2 out of 5]

While the author shares stories from her life, and her path to learning to be vulnerable, the book felt oddly distant to me.