The Urgent Life: My Story of Love, Loss, and Survival

by Bozoma Saint John

"The Urgent Life shines a bright light on the intricacies of the shadows she’s been in, and illuminates the beauty of her urgent life.” —Serena Williams

From iconic leader Bozoma Saint John, comes a memoir of grief, and one woman's drive to thrive in the face of loss

When Bozoma Saint John's husband, Peter, died of cancer, she made one big to live life urgently. Bozoma was no stranger to adversity, having lost her college boyfriend to suicide, navigated an interracial marriage, grieved a child born prematurely--a process that led to her and Peter's separation--and coparented the daughter who she and Peter shared. When Peter knew his cancer was terminal, he gave Bozoma a short list of things to cancel the divorce, and fix the wrongs immediately.

In The Urgent Life, Bozoma takes readers through the dizzying, numbing days of multiple griefs, and the courage which these sparked in her to live life in accordance with her deepest values time and time again. We witness Bozoma's journey forward through the highs and the lows, as she negotiates life as a woman determined to learn from tragedies to build a remarkable life worth living even in her brokenness.

Bozoma's story is extraordinary, but her grief is not uncommon, and her courage is sure to touch any reader who has loved, mourned and is finding a path through loss and grief, as well as anyone who is maneuvering a pivot and wants to live life to its fullest.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography, Audiobook, Grief, Biography Memoir, Autobiography

Audible Audio

Published February 21, 2023

Reviews

[Luvvie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bozoma Saint John is known as a hall of fame marketer and when she decided to write a book, people thought it’d be about marketing or business. Nope. Instead, she tells the story of her life that led her to being the person who walks into a room, 6 feet tall, in 5 inch heels and a giant afro, refusing to bow to folks whims.

She wrote THE URGENT LIFE instead. It’s a memoir, and the title is a mantra she adopted when her husband, Peter, died of cancer. All the losses she faced sharpened her vision and gave her perspective, that every day must be lived with exigency.

And MY GOD this book. I read it in one sitting, cuz I couldn’t let it go. And I was sending her texts as I went along.

This book is a FREEDOM memoir. It’s a battle cry for personal transformation in the midst of tragedy. Because Boz’s life today is a revolution, a miracle and a testimony. The peacock she shows up as in the world is against all odds. Her story is of hard choices she had to make even if it only made sense to her, and how living an URGENT LIFE means following your own path today.

To read “The Urgent Life” is to get 1,000 reasons why Boz spreads her wings without apology, ceaselessly. Life has given her 1,000 reasons to cower, to bend, to break. Life has shown her its lowest valleys, and taunted her with the deepest losses. But what does Boz do? She stands up, head held high, against all odds.

[Cari · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was totally mesmerized by this memoir. Bozoma Saint John has been an executive for many big companies, but this book doesn't focus on that at all. The main story surrounds her husband, Peter, and the rare cancer that took his life. Saint John opens each chapter with a vignette leading up to Peter's death, then flashes back to earlier parts of her life. The flashbacks are out of timeline order, so the reader is constantly surprised by what Saint John shares. She's lost others beside her husband, yet has learned many lessons from the tragedies she faced. I found this book uplifting despite the sad subject matter, and I'll return to Saint John's words when life feels too hard.

[Mackenzie Peters · Rating 4 out of 5]

Haven’t had a book make me cry so much in a minute! Beautiful story - highly recommend listening to the audiobook

[The Former · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a disappointing read. I thought there would be more emphasis put on the lessons she learned through losing her love. Instead, the first half is all about her proximity to whiteness. In the second half, her self-centered nature is on full display, and she always falls short of the true lesson. Self-criticism, yet no self-awareness. It all rounds out nicely in the final chapters. However, I wish it didn't take so long to get there. Bozoma is very likable but largely unrelatable. For that reason, I simply could not connect with this book.

The Urgent Life is an interesting read, but certainly, not a must.

[Elizabeth Weaver · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to her on a podcast and was so intrigued by her story and the nuance that she brought to so many challenging experiences and topics. Unfortunately, I felt like that nuance and finesse was missing throughout this book at times. I also wish that she had spoken a bit more about her career. The book felt a bit disjointed because the early part of the book feels like it incorporates her career, self exploration, and relationship whereas later it feels dominated by her husband’s cancer. I think more detail about her career and how she managed to continue prioritizing her own path in life during such a challenging time of life would have rounded it out a bit more.

[Tinu Akeredolu · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ever read a book where, as soon as you flipped over the last page, you went right back to the first page to start re-reading because you just couldn’t get enough? The Urgent Life was that for me, as Bozoma gripped me with her story as she made me feel so deeply invested in her journey from loss to survival. Beautifully written and hoping we get more books from her in the future.

[Joy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was really looking forward to this read, however it fell short of my expectations. It seems partially self aware and at many times it is hard to empathize with her decisions and actions. Some of the conclusions were not matured enough and I didn’t come out of it understanding why life should be lived urgently. If anything, the lesson I saw that she could have fleshed out was more about gratitude and reverence for all things we are given.

[Wamboi Kay · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of those books that when you finish, you’ll want to start re-reading! So incredibly deep.

[Letitia · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was somehow everything and nothing I expected. As I read more about grieving, loss, and mortality this year, I heard an interview with Bozoma Saint John and thought this is the book; I need to read this. And I will start by saying I did end the book in tears. You can't read about this type of loss and not feel something. But with that said, I have enormous cynicism about the existence of this book and its contents.

I really do not like or respect Bozoma. She is frequently mean, petty, and disrespectful to people around her, and while she expresses some mild regret in the book, she narrates doing this so frequently that I came to feel she was quite a self-centered and harsh person. I began the book feeling she was far too harsh on Peter, who seems like a well-intentioned but naive white dude. When she reveals his naivete is much more insidious, and that he's a staunch Republican, I quit giving him a pass, but I also questioned her choices even more. The selfishness displayed in the segment with her dad stressed me out so much I almost quit reading. The way she treated his girlfriend as he was dying was unforgivable.

And it's probably because I was so drawn into the book that I felt strong emotions about it. I believe Boz's and Peter's love was real. I believe this whole family went on a journey of self-discovery that was shattering and hard. I believe there was too much external pressure on Boz and Peter as a mixed race couple for her ever to experience the freedom and ease she deserved from life. But I also believe Boz capitalized on the tragic loss of a man she was going to divorce, and is cha-chinging her way all the way through her grief.

[Jenny · Rating 2 out of 5]

She uses her life’s traumatic events as an excuse for narcissism. We needed more stories of living the urgent life (gelato, lasagna) and much, much less of the smug, self-congratulations. Her stilted delivery in the audiobook is off putting.

[Meggie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Saint John has a lot of tragedy in her life and some interesting reflections on it, but I just couldn’t get on board with her approach.

[Nghi · Rating 5 out of 5]

The premise of the book is wholly heartbreaking: Boz's husband asks her to "cancel the divorce" in his dying days. But was that the most authentic decision she made? Could she have honored him without being in this marriage? What I love about this story is how much it breaks you because it was so real. That last chapter. Literal chills!

[Jenn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Something about this book was not as satisfying as the last two memoirs I read about loss (From Scratch and The Other Side of Yet). I do appreciate the message of living life urgently/living the width of life not just the length.
Also came back to add that I didn’t enjoy the several times she wrote about what she thought Peter must have been thinking in a particular moment but never included whether she actually discussed with him his feelings in that moment. I felt his perspective was missing a bit and while this is her memoir many of her decisions are based on what she thinks he is thinking or feeling so it left me to wonder about her reliability as a narrator.

[Kay · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read a lot of memoirs. Unfortunately this was one I did not enjoy at all. I struggled to get through it and I had to DNF at chapter 8. I didn’t understand how at 17 she had a cyst in her breast and turned that into a possible death sentence for years. I also could not relate to odd relationship with her dying husband. She couldn’t understand why he couldn’t get up from the toilet or have to strength to swallow food yet he was given only a few weeks to live. The entire story felt disconnected and unfeeling.

[April Denise · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not what I expected. The title is “the urgent life” and it’s marketed as a book where the author learns some tough life lessons and then starts to live life “urgently.” That literally never happens. I don’t even know how they came up with that title and decided that was what the book is about. It’s mainly just about her marriage and dealing with her husbands illness. I kept waiting for the “living life urgently part” and I’m disappointed that it never came.

[Julie Simons · Rating 2 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️ 1/2
I loved the book by this author’s sister, Alua Arthur (Briefly, Perfectly Human); this book not so much. Clearly this author is incredibly intelligent, resourceful, accomplished & gutsy. But I can’t imagine she would have published this book if she had a similar level of self-awareness. Her emotional immaturity, self-absorption, lack of insight, poor judgment & magical thinking are on full display in this strange, sad memoir.

[Bree · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m always intrigued by memoirs and Bozoma’s life story is definitely one worth a read / listen. I listened to the audio book which she beautifully narrates, and takes you through her painful life moments of grief and loss (also a balance of celebratory moments ).

[Laurie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m impressed with Bozoma’s honesty in her thoughts and feelings. The book felt uplifting even though there is so much grief and loss in her life.

[Emily Mis · Rating 3 out of 5]

She spoke at my work conference two weeks ago! Very interesting read!

[Renee Davis · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don’t know if she consider this a self-help book or not. I’m not a fan of self-help books.
You know, I wonder why every time people go through something in life they feel they gotta write a book and share with the world.
To me this was just was a story about a selfish woman who didn’t really know how to love.

[Zee Dee · Rating 1 out of 5]

Disappointing bash at a person who is no longer here or able to defend himself. There are three sides to every story, yours, mine and the truth. It is sad to support your fame on the back of someone else.

[Debbie Massry · Rating 2 out of 5]

What a heavy, sad book. I know it’s supposed to be hopeful but it’s just depressing.

[Cheryl · Rating 2 out of 5]

A high strung woman copes with the death of his estranged husband. She seemed so high maintenance and career driven that I had trouble sympathizing with her life

[Elizabeth Chan · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don’t recall how I came across this autobiography (perhaps recommended by Amazon or Goodreads) but I’m glad I did. I didn’t know of Bozoma Saint John before I came across her book.

A quick Google revealed her illustrious career as a marketing professional including at Netflix, Apple and other companies.

This was a beautifully-written and moving memoir. I think what I found thoughtful was embracing the complexity of life: suicide, music, marriage, divorce, separation, cancer, death, co-parenting, pregnancy, careers, jobs.

Bozoma’s story shows that life isn’t linear, isn’t easy and the challenges one faces wouldn’t be obvious and discernible from one’s CV.

I love Bozoma’s larger-than-life personality that leaps out of the book, from her big hair, ballsy attitude, risk-taking, love for parties, taking everything to the extreme. I felt this book was an authentic portrayal of herself and her experiences, and I appreciated what she learned through her relationship with Peter: to live life urgently.

********

I also started to write notes as I was reading it, so I am sharing them here.

On her experience as an African woman
- Bozoma writes about her experience as an African woman, fleeing from Ghana (where her father had been taken prisoner) and arriving in the US, thanks to her godfather who helped to arrange passports for her mom and sisters.
- ⁠Bozoma writes about the different Black experiences and especially growing up African in Colorado. She writes about how her family were proudly Ghanaian, they spoke their native language at home. When they had friends over, instead of ordering pizza, they would enjoy “fufu and light soup”.
- ⁠She writes about falling in love with Ben while in college. While he was white, he was very much part of the Black community on campus and wanted to be a rapper.
- ⁠While Bozoma was at college, she wrote the curriculum for her own course on Tupac, his Life and Times. Taught two nights a week at X House, the course was oversubscribed and ran overtime so that students could share their raps and explain their music.
- ⁠When she first met Peter, her husband, she asked him to read Song of Solomon, and challenged him to be able to discuss it fluently with her and deal with the racial issues in it. He more than impressed her. His gift of artwork expressing the impact of the book on him moved her to tears.
- ⁠She writes about some of the challenges she faced with knowing Peter would never fully understand the Black experience even if he was respectful — eg the trip to Ghana.
- ⁠The anecdote of Peter’s sister, Debra, as she asked whether any child of theirs would be Black or White (“a human being”, was Peter’s answer)

On mental illness
- Bozoma writes about her encounters with death and mortality, including discovering a benign lump in her breast that was a wake up call when she was around 18.
- ⁠She was diagnosed with depression and seemed to have been given Prozac as a matter of course. She felt like the drug numbed her feelings — taking the edge off the lows but also stopping her from feeling the highs.
- ⁠Her boyfriend in college, Ben, committed suicide. They had a fraught relationship doing long distance when Ben flunked out of uni and his parents sent him back to Switzerland. One night he sent frenzied messages to her and it turns out he then took his life by drowning.

The challenges of an interracial marriage
- Bozoma writes about how the fact of their relationship encountered doubt everywhere — from Peter’s white Italian family, her own family, the sweet Ghanaian doorman of her building, white women, black men … they were constantly having to defend their love.
- ⁠The cracks that can become a tide that ruins it all: “That there could be devastating episodes that overwhelm all the determination you can muster, or simple disagreements and misunderstandings that can wear away your affection, like the tide.”
- ⁠The incident in the restaurant where Bozoma and her Black friends weren’t served because of a racist waitress—and where Peter became shocked at being included as Black: “But he wasn’t one of us. And he didn’t want to be.” “But while he recognized injustice, Peter couldn’t really feel its sting. And he never wanted that to change.”

Taking risks
- Bozoma got a temp job working for Spike Lee the director and she took a risk in asking to review one of his scripts.
- ⁠She says this: “But you have to know what you have in your quiver and what you don’t, when to aim, and when to hold back. I was smart. I was charming. I was articulate. I was eager to leap for the next rung. So, I pulled out my bow and took the shot. Maybe I’d miss. But I know now that every try makes you sharper. And sometimes you hit the mark perfectly.”
- ⁠To those who help us when we are down on our luck: “Don’t wait to thank your angels. Tell them what they mean to you right then. That beautiful, loving woman saved my life. And I don’t even know her name.”

[Karla Drozd · Rating 3 out of 5]

“But that morning, when God spoke to me in my apartment, I knew I had to focus. Whatever doubts I had about my marriage, I resolved to ignore them, to not let them obscure the lesson that was coming into view. Faced with the truth that I'd lacked appreciation, I staggered to my feet, understanding that from now on, the only way I could live my life was with full gratitude. I vowed to actively demonstrate my thanks for every breath, not with a passing thought or a glib remark that I said but didn't mean. My gratitude was going to be intentional. I didn't want to gaze at the light as it began to dim. I wanted to cherish it all along the way.”

3.5 stars. the first 1/3 of the book felt like a forced race discussion but if you get past that, the book is a powerful reminder that nothing is guaranteed in this life, that we often lack gratitude for things we later realise are pillars in our every day life and it ends with the staggering conclusion that the wake up call is brutal for the vast majority of us.

[Emily Winters · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. It’s a memoir but only from a very specific part of Boz’s life instead of trying to encompass everything.

It follows the path of Boz and her husband Peter. Boz’s family is from Ghana while Peter is a 6 ft white boy from a traditional Catholic family. They fall in love quickly, amidst hesitation from their friends and family.

The story is about deep love, connection, death, careers, cancer, heartache, family - and Boz ties it all together seamlessly.

This isn’t a self help book yet there were plenty of profound statements about life love and death that Boz wrote that made me wish I was reading with a highlighter.

If you enjoy reading real, honest, and moving stories this one’s for you.

[Judith · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really can't account for why I found this book so compelling. Suffice it to say, I picked it up at 8:30 last night and finished it at 1:00 a.m. I just couldn't put it down. It's the true story of a woman who became a really successful business woman and then had to go through her mother's cancer at the same time she was going through her husband's cancer, while she was raising her 4 year old daughter and juggling a high powered career in advertising. I have one small complaint. The book includes four pages of family photos but they are such blurry prints and no person, event, or date is identified corresponding the photos so it's sort of irritating.

[Ruby · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn’t know a damn thing about Bozoma (Boz) until she recently appeared on RHOBH and someone told me she had a book.

So I rented it from my library and flew through it. Beautiful.

Gave me so much perspective about life and insights on how we should be living. With love, regret, sadness, joy. All of the things.

Her story is fascinating and I would love to read another memoir from her about her roles in business.

[Brittany Keller · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the most incredible and heartbreaking memoirs I have ever read. The book had me in tears multiple time as I listened to the tragedy she has faced in different elements of her life, but was moved by the insight and lessons she has taken away from her experiences. I highly recommend this book

[Mystic Miraflores · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you to the author for writing an honest and authentic book. At times, it seemed so depressing that I felt I couldn’t continue. However, I’m glad I did because it ended on a note of hope and faith.