it's really weird to me that like every single negative review of this book focuses on the "agenda" of featuring gay characters that don't all just die of AIDS or repent their sinning ways. people also complain a lot about the "swears". neither one of those things really bothered me. i was more concerned with the fact that it was kind of a crappy book.
the tagline in the blurb says, "it's a problem when saying 'i do' gives you deja vu!" so you can see what is coming. our protagonist, milly, is getting married shortly...but she's already married & no one knows.
the book opens with this previous marriage. milly was 18 & she made the acquaintance of a nice gay couple. one of them was american (the book is set in england) & was having mysterious visa issues (despite being a research fellow at oxford? i think they provide visas for that kind of thing), so milly agreed to marry him to help him stay in the country. there's a ridiculous scene in which throngs of tourists are photographing milly & her new husband, including a sarcastic young man with glasses. do people really do that? i've wandered past plenty of weddings in my day & i've never felt the need to gawk like that. they're not that interesting.
anyway, within two months of this silly marriage of convenience, milly has pretty much lost touch with the couple. she never speaks to her husband again...i fail to see how that would in any way help his bid to get a spousal visa, not having any relationship whatsoever with his erstwhile wife, but...whatever. i guess there's a lot i don't understand about british visa laws.
okay, fast forward ten years. milly is engaged to a nice young chap named simon, who is the only son of harry pinnacle, a multi-millionaire CEO of some kind of weird juice company or something. milly is 100% aware that she has been married before, & that she is not divorced. her husband sent divorce papers at one point, but she doesn't know if they ever went through. yet, she is permitting her mother to arrange a huge expensive society wedding. also, she is aware that her fiance doesn't really know her at all. she wears different clothes when he's around, & pretends to read the newspaper & enjoy sushi. he doesn't know that she actually doesn't pay attention to current events at all, & that she likes miniskirts & bright colors, & that she watches a lot of trashy TV. she figures she will just force herself to turn into the woman simon thinks she is once they are married.
so...milly's an idiot. it's already really, really difficult to give a shit about her idiotic dilemma.
you can guess what happens, right? turns out the wedding photographer was that sarcastic young fellow with the glasses who witnessed milly's wedding ten years before. & he recognizes her, because don't we all recognize random people we saw on the street once ten years ago? & he decides to antagonize her about her previous wedding. he's all creepy, saying shit like, "where's your first husband? have you told anyone you've been married before?" it's totally ridiculous because i think MOST people that have been married previously are fairly open about it with their friends & loved ones. there is absolutely ZERO reason for this random photographer dude to assume that milly has this deep dark secret she hasn't shared with anyone. but it's treated like just a matter of course--of course the photographer is the only one that knows! as someone who has been married & is not anymore, this really made no sense to me at all. why on earth would this photographer assume that milly hasn't told her mother about her previous wedding & that she is on the cusp of committing bigamy?
anyway, milly freaks & rushes to get advice from her godmother. meanwhile, there's this whole plot in which milly's parents' marriage is beginning to crumble, & her older sister is pregnant with a secret baby, even though she has no boyfriend that anyone knows about. can i just say that i guessed the father of the baby about twenty pages after that plotline was introduced? i guess it might qualify as a "twist," but when there are only a finite number of male characters introduced, it really wasn't that difficult to guess. the truth doesn't come out until page 280 or so, & you know they're not going to introduce a brand-new guy to be the baby daddy at that point.
anyway, tediousness transpires, milly's sister convinces her to try to track down her husband & see about arranging a divorce, & this leads to milly locating her husband's boyfriend from the time--rupert. the whole rupert storyline is the one that so many one-star raters found so objectionable. he used to be gay...but now he is married to a woman & living the life of a church-going anti-gay barrister. RABIDLY anti-gay. i think madeleine wickham basically modeled rupert's church after the westboro baptist church. are there really any english church-goers that hate gay people that much? it was weird. it seemed very un-english to me.
milly's all, "rupert, where's allan? i need a divorce?" & rupert's all, "don't tell anyone i'm gay," & milly's all, "dude, you totally need to tell your wife you're gay," & rupert's wife is like, "tell me what now?" & basically rupert's life is destroyed. he tells his wife he was in love with a man at one point & she almost pukes on him. for serious. he starts searching the city for allan & eventually tracks him down to a hospice center. one of the employees has a letter that allan wrote to rupert before he died. rupert's all like, "...AIDS, right? oh man. i sinned & now i'm gonna die," & the hospice dude is like, "um, no, he had leukemia."
anyway, the letter is all, "rupert, i still love you." & rupert decides he needs to be gay again. but he also has to tell milly that allan is dead & that she can get married. so he does. & milly's older sister struggled tediously with whether or not to have an abortion. it reads like an anti-choice pamphlet. it's all, "having the baby would destroy her relationship with harry. he made it clear he didn't want to be a father again. so she'd be on her own. no money, no man, no life. but not having the baby would destroy her." there's actually this awful, philosophical little aside about, "choice? isobel has a choice, all right. all modern women have choices. but she didn't really have a choice. she was enslaved by the maternal urges she never knew she had. could she really take an innocent life?" dude, what? those "maternal urges" are CLEARLY just hormones because there isn't a page that goes by where this character isn't drinking or smoking. i'm surprised they don't have her sitting passed out in a shooting gallery somewhere, having just injected listeria bacteria straight into a vein. or perhaps riding a horse & then enjoying a scalding hot bath.
anyway...the wedding is off because milly's crazy-ass godmother outs her bigamist ways to the priest (she did it to get back at simon's father, who she went on a few dates with many years before...i know, it didn't make any sense to me either) & simon LOSES HIS SHIT when milly explains things to him. it's all, "how could he hear her make those ancient voews, knowing she had already shared them with another man?" i don't know, dude. people marrying people who have been married before DO IT EVERY FUCKING DAY though. also, the vows are not ancient. they date back to the middle ages, not the dinosaurs. i just feel the need to point that out, because the phrase "ancient vows" was used like 19 times in this book.
rupert rushes to tell milly she's actually a widow, simon apologizes to milly for his outrage, isobel's baby daddy proposes to her & starts coming up with baby names, simon re-proposes to milly, & the wedding happens anyway, just like we all knew it would. & also, milly is like, "simon, i like cheap shoes & i watch crappy TV & i don't read the news," & simon is like, "it's okay. i know you anyway because i knew that after all of the stress of having to cancel your wedding & us breaking up & your godmother betraying you & discovering your sister is giving birth to a love child & that your parents' marriage is on the rocks & your dad might lose his job & you're a widow, i guess you might want a cigarette."
man. this was not good.